When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11” report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?

Chill. You’re the exception. Here’s the rule:

“Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication.”

“Sexclusivity”: don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.

You mean fucking an attractive stranger you’ve known for 3 hours and hoping that you’re compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?

“There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes,” says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

This isn’t just conservative Mormon B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality. He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He’ll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:

Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compell us to stay in relationships that we know aren’t built to last, the study suggests.

Finally, “women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships,” says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.

The word I’ve coined for this is “sexclusivity”. Don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it’ll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment – as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.

Read the article here and please, share your thoughts below.

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  1. 41

    Some of you probably won ´t believe me, or will laugh, but there are still places in the world where guys are dating for a year or two without sex. And both sides seem to be comfortable with it. Just a comment, I don ´t mean to imply anything.

  2. 42

    Actually in reflection I can see your point in that the time length is not the issue and agree with that part.
    I can see it is not so much a matter of time but a matter of the depth of caring and connection. . It’s   the caring that is the issue. And just because you wait a month, two months whatever time length you want to put on it it doesn’t   mean that he has developed those feelings. They however do take time to develop. And it takes longer than a month to develop real deep mutual caring connected feelings to see if you are compatible for a relationship. Time and not having casual sex will not guarantee that those mutual feelings will develop. However waiting first for the woman to see if those feelings develop and are mutual will stop you from becoming hormonally bonded and attached to a man who doesn’t have those feeling’s and care about you in a deep connected way.

  3. 43

    @Rose please stop judging the rest of us. You do you, we’ll do us, deal?
    @Karmic 35
    You know who write blogs about “pumping and dumping” women? douches. So I would say its pretty easy for those of us with self respect to avoid sleeping with these kinds of men. Waiting helps but also refraining from jumping in bed with a guy who just seems smarmy helps too. And you’ve admitted that you haven’t slept with that many guys, so it seems like you’ve also avoided these types.
    As for hit and run, it doesn’t sound as offensive to me. There is something so pornographic about the term “pump and dump” that makes me legs close up real quick.

  4. 45

    @ John # 5
    Did you actually read Jenna’s (#2) post?   She never said that sex would mean more to the guy if she waited she said (and you even quoted her) that she finds it “more romantic to wait a little for sex.”   She is not waiting because she (to quote you) “somehow feel that it will mean more to the guy”.   She clearly states that the benifit is that it helps a woman not to get “prematurely attached to the wrong guy”.
    Not at any point in her post did she write that she would make a man wait so she would feel more secure.   Nor did she make any reference to him waiting as being “indicative of his interest level”.   
    You wrote, “Somehow you believe that by making him wait, you are controlling the situation.”   Did you just pull that malarky out of you behind?   Where did she write anything like that?
    @ Jenna # 2
    I liked your post and I agree that women tend to get prematurely attached if they have sex too soon and don’t wait to find out if they actually like the guy and are not just attracted to him.   People reveal themselves if you give them some time… some in very little time. 🙂   
    @ Sparkling Emerald
    “Waiting a while lessens the chance that a woman will be blinded by that oxytocin buzz, and bond herself to a jackass.”   LOL… LOL… Been there, done that.
    All in all a great post!
    @ Karmic Equation
    I have to say it yet again… Great post.
    I am one of those women who does bond with a man when I have sex.   I have to say that reading the comments you have written through out Evan’s blog, have given me a different way of looking at sex and relationships.   I like your attitude and have shared your thoughts with my sisters.   I have to admit that there is just a bit of envy in me for the way you can be so free and comfortable.  
    I know that most people judge “sex without commitment” to mean sleeping around.”   I actually never thought that of you.   And I loved the last paragraph.  

  5. 46

    Good advice as usual and I love the term sexclusivity. My head is definitely clearer when I haven’t overdosed on male induced oxytocin!! LOL  
    Guess Im the exception though cause i slept with a guy on the first night, and that marriage/relationship lasted 20 years.   

  6. 47
    Karl S

    Something people need to remember when arguing about sex is that in reality, its purpose is to facilitate the continuation of the human species.   That’s all. It’s foolish then to proclaim that the act of sex should only be defined as an expression of deep, committed love. After all, even sex with someone you’re married to can range from “making love” to “f***’ing”, depending on what head space you’re both in. In those instances, it’s much like casual sex, except it’s with the one person. AND, because each event is separate, the fact that you’re just “f***’ing” one day does not devalue or undermine the “making-love” you do the next day.

    I’ve even seen successful couples who can share deeply loving sex within the relationship, yet have play partners outside of it as well. Everything is open and honest, and they make it work.

    The real point I’m making with all this is that while it can be smart to withhold sex for a time in order to identify which partners will commit, the sex you have with that partner is not always going to be some transcendent, soulful experience. Sometimes it just feels nice, and other folks like to embrace that quality in a more relaxed manner with a variety of people.

    1. 47.1

      Sex actually serves many purposes. Procreation is just one. Non-human primates use it to reduce stress and promote group bonds. Humans use it in a variety of ways.. for money, to exalt power (so-called “alpha” males – the concept of which is debatable in humans, sorry), to keep peace, to fulfill emotional needs… there are many emotional, psychological, political, and economic aspects surrounding sex – in addition to biological. And, when you think about the number of times you have had sex, the number of partners you have had, and the number of children you have had, I would suspect that those numbers get smaller: #encounters>#partners>#children. Did you want to have children with every encounter? Probably not. If that were its only purpose, you would only have sex to have children.

      In my experience, it is not about the commitment. It takes me awhile to figure out if he is someone who is worthy of forming a bond with – will he screw me over, is he healthy mentally and physically, does he have integrity, is he happy, does he care about me and my child, etc.? The commitment is secondary, but usually evolves naturally out of that anyway.

  7. 48
    Sparkling Emerald

    Karl S said . . .
    “Something people need to remember when arguing about sex is that in reality, its purpose is to facilitate the continuation of the human species.   That’s all. It’s foolish then to proclaim that the act of sex should only be defined as an expression of deep, committed love.”
       And because sex is for reproduction, most women are hard wired to want a deep committed love from a man, before they potentially carry his seed.   That’s not “foolishness” Karl, it’s just the way most of us are.
       Can you not post anything, without putting women down, for being the way nature made us ?

  8. 49

    We all have to be truly aware of and honest about what we can handle, ourselves, and act accordingly.   I’m not someone who’s good at dealing with the emotional aftermath of casual sex so I don’t partake but I certainly don’t begrudge or judge those who can & do.   I just don’t like hearing folks whine about the consequences of their actions or inaction.

  9. 50

    i am 41.   upon reflection of my life, i do think that when i’ve slept with a guy within the first few weeks of knowing him, i was pretty emotionally desperate and needy for love which i couldn’t give myself.   after having my heart broken, and crying and suffering for a rediculous amount of time, i’ve now come to a place where i don’t feel emotionally needy anymore. and now i feel like i’m in a much better position to evaluate a potential guy (even one i’m strongly attracted to) for much longer than i would have been in the past. the reason for this is because i’m now all too aware that if you jump into bed with a guy and get emotionally bonded to him before you know him … then i am falling for a guy who i don’t even know. he could be really a shitty person and i wouldn’t see him clearly because of my emotional bonding. this is exactly what happened to me in my last relationship and i swear, after all the suffering, i will never do that to myself again.

    1. 50.1
      Nuri Eliza

      Also in my 40s and great at reading people. With all my dating experience, I know pretty quickly whether he is a keeper or full of it. So why wait if we are about the same thing?

  10. 51
    Sparkling Emerald

    Leesa 52
    I totally agree. Waiting a bit, gives one a chance to see if this person is worth getting crazy-glued too emotionally. I do think it gets a bit easier as we mature. I don’t know if it’s the wisdom that comes with age, or declining hormones.

  11. 52

    @ Karl S #49
    I’m a woman, and I agree 100% with what you said.
    @ Sparkling Emerald #50
    I honestly don’t think Karl S was trying to put women down. I believe the biological urge to reproduce is separate from and indifferent to the parties’ satisfaction…

  12. 53

    Leesa. I feel pleased to hear, “I’m now all too aware.” And would dearly like to do my best to help prevent our young girls going through this needless   suffering that most young girls and women go through because they are not aware and not taught this.
    I want to now teach this to our little girls as part of sex education to help them choose   better fully informed choices for themselves as without all of the information they are not able to make a fully informed choice.

  13. 54

    I’d say the second or third date.
    I’ve had one woman test me for sexual compatibility on our the third date. I could tell she was desperate to get married. The sex was not that good, and she dumped me, which didn’t bother me at all. She still stayed in touch as “friends” whereupon I found out that she did third-date-sex with a bunch of other guys she was dating. She finally settled on one bloke who was kind of ‘meh’ in my opinion.
    I had a relationship with a Catholic school teacher that also was into second date sex once she made up her mind that the guy had long term potential. The sex was super awesome, but eventually, there were incompatibilities. Then I found out that second date sex was pretty much her modus operandi.
    In my experience, early sex is fine and good if both are really into each other and your gut instincts say so too.

  14. 55
    Karl S

    Sparkling Emerald, would it have helped if I’d put extra emphasis on the word *only* when talking about how sex shouldn’t be defined? In my last post I talked about the variance you get, which *included but was not restricted to* sex as an expression of love. Yes, a lot of women are hardwired to want deep committed love with their sex, but a lot of people (both men a women) are also hardwired with high libidos, or are hardwired with low inhibitions, or are hardwired without the inclination towards children. For them, sex might be more of a release, or a way of getting to know you, or an outlet for their darker kinky side. I’m saying it’s foolish to insist sex is *one* thing just because you might feel that way about it. That’s when people get super judgmental.

  15. 56

    Nothing wrong with waiting it out if that’s what you are comfortable with. Every relationship is unique; use your best judgement.

    1. 56.1

      The only post in this entire thread, that makes sense!

  16. 57
    Sparkling Emerald

    Ellejem 54
         Karl S (Whom I suspect is a re-incarnation of Karl R) Said it is “foolishness” to define sex as deeply committed love.
         I don’t think completely divorcing sex from love is very smart.   ESPECIALLY since it could lead to the creation of a brand new helpless little life.   We are not animals mating in the woods.   We are not spawning fish, who will swim upstream and die after the act. We are human beings with complex emotions.
       I don’t think sex and emotions are separate.   Maybe because I am woman.   Why does a woman’s brain produce oxytocin and cause her to bond with the male with whom she has just shared her body ?   That is not necessary for reproduction, yet our female brains produce bonding chemicals during sex, so why are we supposed to ignore our emotions that are connected with sex ?   Why are we called fools for doing so ?     I think it IS smart to recognize that men don’t bond through sex, but it is NOT smart to think women don’t bond through sex.    I know some women on this blog comment they don’t, but MOST women do.

       Men give biological reason such as “spreading their seed” to explain their non-bonding behavior.   Honestly, I don’t understand the biological advantage to men “spreading their seed” and abandoning the mothers of their seed bearers.   I honestly don’t understand why women’s oxytocin levels RISE after sex, and mens oxytocin level LOWER after sex.   I don’t see the biological advantage for this disconnect.

       I DO see the biological advantage if BOTH partners are bonded to each other BEFORE they have sex, so that any offspring that results, will be cared for by two loving adults.   But for some reason biology has not given men the paternal instinct as strongly as it has given women the maternal instinct.   (Obviously men eventually come around and want children, because I can’t believe that ALL people in the world are the by products of “shot-gun weddings” )
       There is a book called “The Naked Ape” that explains why humans have the emotions they do surrounding sex better than I can explain it.   Maybe Karl S could read this book by a male author, and change his thinking a bit about womens “foolish” emotions.

    1. 57.1
      Karl R

      Sparkling Emerald said:

      “Karl S (Whom I suspect is a re-incarnation of Karl R)”

      He can’t be a reincarnation. I’m still alive.

      I don’t particularly mind if someone conflates us. When I read Karl S’s posts, I agree with him almost all of the time. He supports his points rationally, even though he’s a bit less focused on facts and statistics than I am. He also seems like he’s a bit nicer than I am. (More succinct too.)

      On the other hand, please don’t confuse me with Karl T. He comes across as being really obnoxious and abrasive.

  17. 58

    Sparkling Emerald, I think it is a known fact that men can and do detach themselves emotionally. When people are engaged in the act, they are very vulnerable (physically) so a level of trust is required from each other. They have to trust that the other party is not going to pull out a knife or something like that while they are flat on their backs and naked to boot. Until a man truly knows a woman, loves and trust her implicitly (know a man can’t love if he can’t trust) he is bound to have a level of detachment despite having had sex. Due to his size and strength advantage, he can afford to go into sex without that total trust. For women, it is more “dangerous” for her so she needs to have a greater level of faith in her man in order to do the deed – oftentimes that level of trust and intimacy bleeds into her emotions and gets interpreted as “love”.

  18. 59

    I don’t know anything about anything but I’ve learned one thing about women. They hate the word “casual” unless we’re talking about “dress code”…..LOL
    Oh and for all above me who think that a guy who only wants something “casual” from you or nothing long term won’t wait 6-8 weeks(which may be 8-10 dates)  before having sex even though he knows you probably aren’t going to be around much longer than a few weeks after that. You’re wrong. At 50, I have no problem enjoying the “dating process” and waiting a bit even if it’s with a woman I have no long term interest in because I know I have to take what I can get or I’ll be celibate. Most likely I’ll be emailing other women while that is going on trying to trade up of course just like they’re still getting emails every day from other guys. I usually only date one woman at a time but that doesn’t mean they’re my “girlfriend” so in theory I am monogamous during that short period. It is what it is. It’s a little different up here in the “over 45” category.

  19. 60
    Sparkling Emerald

    I agree with what you said, and in fact, I think it just re-inforces the idea that women should wait.   (until the relationship is at the commitment level she desires)
    I agree, a level of trust is greatly needed before committing an act that could potentially create a life and one that puts you in immediate physical danger if the person you are getting naked with turns out to be “Mr Goodbar”  
       Which is why it is WISE, and not FOOLISH for a woman to wait.   She is in the most vulnerable position in 3 main ways.
    1.)   She is the one who could end up pregnant and abandoned.   (Birth control has pretty much lessened that possibility, but biologically our brains still interpret sex as potential baby making)  
    2.) Pregnancy concerns aside, hopping into bed with a stranger puts HER at risk for physical assault.   Remember getting the Stranger Danger lectures in kindergarten ?   It is not any safer getting in a car and going to a remote location with a stranger, or a near stranger, just because sex is involved.
    3.) Emotional Bonding through Ocytocin – OK, anyone who has been reading this blog for more than a day, knows about this.
    So yes, I GET that men can treat sex like a sport, and hump and dump with no emotional fall out, no worries about an unwanted child, and not much to worry about as far as physical assault goes, because men are stronger and can defend themselves easier.   (These things are pretty much on a biological level, in reality, with DNA testing a man can now be id’d as the baby daddy and end up paying child support, and if the stranger he brings home pulls out a gun, his physical strength is not such an advantage, but who thinks about THAT stuff when they’re raring to go ?????)
    What I DON’T get, is all the put downs toward women who don’t just hop into bed at the drop of a hat.   Women are called fools,   manipulative, likened to hookers, called bitches etc, because they want to protect their bodies, hearts and future offspring by “waiting”.   And “waiting” has now been defined in modern times as “waiting” for the first date, vs having sex with someone you met 5 minutes ago.
    I hope the young girls of today get this message loud and clear.   There is NOTHING wrong with waiting until the relationship is where you want it to be emotionally.   It is WISE and NOT foolish.  
    Some men will try to tell you something different.   They’ll try to convince you that there is something WRONG with you, if you aren’t willing to hop in the sack the instant they get a boner.   First they will “prude shame” you.   Then if you give in they will basically “slut shame” you.   The exception ?   The man who wants YOU, not just your lady parts, the man who feels PROTECTIVE toward you, and won’t take advantage of your vulnerability.   The man who will step up and give you some sort of emotional bond before pressuring you to pleasure him.   That is a man worth waiting for.  

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