When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11” report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?

Chill. You’re the exception. Here’s the rule:

“Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication.”

“Sexclusivity”: don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.

You mean fucking an attractive stranger you’ve known for 3 hours and hoping that you’re compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?

“There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes,” says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

This isn’t just conservative Mormon B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality. He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He’ll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:

Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compell us to stay in relationships that we know aren’t built to last, the study suggests.

Finally, “women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships,” says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.

The word I’ve coined for this is “sexclusivity”. Don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it’ll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment – as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.

Read the article here and please, share your thoughts below.

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  1. 121

    I’ve dated my boyfriend for 2years and I’ve not had sex wit him all these years and now he is seriously asking for it,I want it too but am afraid of giving in

  2. 122

    I love it

  3. 123

    Very wise advice that I have been following for years that has saved me from a lot of heartache. I do however find it very disheartening that, despite a lot of male attention, I’ve been celibate for years as a lot of the men I meet fall into this category. I was dumped last week by a sexy French guy who was getting far too heavy on a first date and pushing for a lot more than a goodnight kiss. At my age I could do without such encounters.

  4. 124

    “Conservative Mormon B.S.”

    Hm. Why does it have to be “Mormon B.S.”?   Not Catholic B.S.? Or Amish B.S.? Or religious B.S.?

    It may be true that teaching abstinence before marriage is old school. When not taught properly it can mess with a person’s sexuality.

    However, look at the facts. If more people followed the Mormon BS attitude toward sex there would be fewer STDs, fewer unwed pregnancies, fewer abortions, and less emotional scarring from casual sex.

    I probably lost focus of what the entent of your article was even about. And while I typically enjoy reading your posts, I am disappointed in your choice to use Mormon doctrine the way you did.

  5. 125

    I have no idea what is right for other women. When I was in my 20s I always had sex early on. I thought that would somehow seal the deal. But I think I just wanted the affection, and I was curious and figured it was going to happen sooner or later anyway.

    When I started dating my husband, I was afraid to do *anything” the same way I had! I held out for maybe a month, I think, lol, before we had sex, and this time it added just another dimension to a happy relationship. I think I had just happened to meet “the one,” because here we are 27 years later.

    I wish I could tell my younger self not to be so fatalistic about things, but everything did come right in the end.   So maybe it’s good that I can’t talk to that girl.

  6. 126
    Karen K

    I don’t know what to say here, because now men know the tricks.   They tell you they want to be exclusive with you right away, and in my girlfriend’s situation, he said (a doctor) he wanted to marry her, and started talking about their future together.   My girlfriend waited 6 weeks to sleep with him, thinking he was exclusive with her (they both said they were) but come to find out, he was wanting a loyal wife to come home to after a long day of cheating.   Thank God she insisted on condoms!   So, waiting for a “monogamous, committed relationship” or when they say they will marry you won’t always work.   The amount of time has nothing to do with it.   When there is a connection, and the guy seems trustworthy, you want it too.   Holding out just makes you seem like a b*tch.   If you don’t want to rip his clothes off by the 4th date, you should find someone else, because the chemistry isn’t there…and if you are forcing the chemistry, then he has money, and you are just using him.   Shame on those who do that.   Find someone that you click with, wait until there is trust and you are exclusive, and then rip his clothes off.

  7. 127

    It doesn’t matter how long you keep him wetting. My ex boyfriend i never hard sex with him for like 5 weeks. When I finally did. He did not show much love he did not care he got what he always wanted. I was like it ok have done everything to keep him but it not working. So after a long time I meet my resent boyfriend in the supermarket. We exchange numbers. We use to chat always. For like 2 weeks. When I went to meet him I never wanted to have sex with him.   But when I got there everything change. We make love together after that in the morning he asked me will you be my girlfriend. And we are still dating till now a year plus. And his out of the country his coming back is to see my family for the preparation of are marriage. So it doesn’t matter a guy that really want u if you like let him stay for a year or give it to him when you like. He will still love you and the one that doesn’t will not.

  8. 128

    The  best  way  about  this  thing  is  to  wait  until  after  marriage,  at  least,  no  guy  will be willing to marry a  lady  just  bcos  of  sex,he  will  also  be  sure  that  he  loves  her  before  deciding  to  marry  her

  9. 129

    ladies should not wait. buffet once said, “saving sex for old age”

    and ladies please have sex with everyone equally. Imbalance is a bit disturbing, where one alpha male gets all the ladies. The alpha males already are high achievers. It’s the little guys who need a lift. please help!

    there are two types of men:

    1 who thinks you are his type.

    1 who is just curious.

    Waiting won’t screen away the latter. Some men, esp high achievers, can delay gratification. Most likely outcome is you will waste years of life trying to get a guy every other girl wants. While men with potential are left by you to shrivel or else adapt to be self-sufficient and not need your moral compass.

  10. 130

    I think waiting Iz gud my bf had to wait 1year as I felt lyk I need to knw him better

  11. 131

    Hi, First of all I have to say how much I enjoy your blog, Evan. Your posts are usually spot-on. Great comments too! I was agreeing with Rose for a while but then when she got religious she lost me.

    Overall, I agree that it is better to wait for sex.

    Disclaimer! I’m in my 40s, single and have had my share of casual sex. In my 20s it was fun mainly because it helped me learn what I liked and in the pre-Internet early 90s it still felt “rebellious” to have casual sex. Now it’s common place.   But I think women in their 20s need a period of casual sex.

    Now in my 40s I know what I want and what gives me orgasms. Casual sex can be fun, but the emotional place it leaves me off in is not fun, so I get those great orgasms with my middle finger, while waiting to get to know the man I am dating. I have great orgasms and I love sex. None of the guys I’ve fucked would ever call me inhibited. More importantly, I know that about myself.

    Young ladies, the men will get you worried that you will be considered a “prude” or “sexually inhibited” if you want to wait for sex. Don’t buy into that. Do you think you are a sexually inhibited prude? All that matters is that you know yourself.

    I personally think that after a guy   (or a woman) puts a certain amount of time into something, they have a harder time walking away. When I’m at TJ Maxx and I’ve been hunting for a dress for 1 hour, I tend to buy a dress even if it’s not “the one” so as not to leave empty-handed. But if I’ve only been looking for 5 minutes, I can leave without buying anything. I think it’s the same with dating.

    Not that we should settle for something less than perfect. Soul mates and nothing less is my motto. I’ve met them, and lucky for me, I’m idealistic and patient enough not to settle. That waiting period is important because it gives you the chance to converse and find out if you are soul mates. What if later I found out he was into Bruce Springsteen and Led Zeppelin, while I’m into The Stranglers, Super Furry Animals and PJ Harvey? I’d rather know about those things to begin with!

    So you men will protest about my arbitrary rules, and tell me that you won’t stick around because I’m a prude. So fine, don’t stick around if you are in a hurry. But if you take the time to get to know me, you will be rewarded. Eventually we will all (mostly) find someone who wants what we want.

  12. 132

    u can’t change anything about wat someone is thinking even if u wait for a hundred years,lets try to live lyf as it is.

  13. 133

    I dont know anymore. Look just follow society unless you dont care about being judged. This world and learning how to be human let alone understanding humans is a darn hard full time job!

  14. 134

    What is this world coming to? Men telling women to sleep around knowing full well they wanna marry woman who is dam damn near virgin. And women telling other women is ok to be sluts and hoes.

  15. 135

    This is so stupid. Have sex when you want. Simple. You are not going to fall in love and have your heart broken from every guy you fuck. It’s ridiculous.

  16. 136

    There is nothing worse than having sex with a guy who puts on a decent act of being chill only to have him in your home later and find out he is TOXIC. The reality of the situation is that once you have shared biomes with someone their relational and emotional predisposition as well as parts of their body composition will be PERMANENTLY entwined with yours. This is a known scientific fact, the biome sharing and how in the gut hormones are produced that affect your mind. So the toxic aftereffects you feel for several days if not weeks and months after having made a bad decision are real. And you’ll pass them on the right guy if you don’t take the time to detox both emotionally and physically. It’s not as easy as one might think to move on from bad sex. And that’s just if you don’t get a disease or a pregnancy or a stalker or someone going around slandering you, or having ended up with someone who takes illicit photos or recordings of you. People who have casual sex thinking it’s cool just haven’t had enough experience in the real world to know the kind of risks they’re taking. Get to know a guy first. Make sure he is really a friend, and trustworthy, and will get your back whether or not you two are getting it on. Discuss having sex in the context of your greater relationship. Then if everything is still chill, go have fun and if it doesn’t work out you can both share your disappointment with each other and move on meaningfully and respectfully, and you won’t be stuck with loads of toxic stress and Who Knows What Else. Signed, you wish I were your mom because I speak from experience, not some theoretical wishful la-la land. I’ve made the Mistakes You Really Want to Avoid. And for whatever reason, am still sane and healthy, but not from lack of having to clean up my own messes.

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