Why Does the Guy I’m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?

Dear Evan,

I really hope you can help me with this predicament.  About a month and a half ago, I met this guy at a bar, the day after I had just ended a very short and confusing juvenile relationship.  He seemed like a stand up guy and we flirted and talked a lot.  I needed to take things slow because of where I was in life—just out of a relationship and just having graduated college.  On our fourth date, the issue of race and religion came up.  We are different religions and races, mine being more conservative on both accounts, but I told him I make decisions on the future of relationships based on each individual person.  The issue of sex also came up, and I was straightforward, truthful, and tactful and told him that I made a personal choice to not have sex outside of marriage and that I was a virgin.  He said that was great and he really respects that.

It was after this conversation that he seemed to change.  He started calling me almost every day, and on our fifth date, he told me that I had “most of the qualities he looks for in a woman.”  He wanted to define the relationship, which I was not ready for at this point.  On our sixth date, he tells me and I quote “I don’t want to scare you away but…you sort of…complete me”   Later, my friend, who had double-dated with us, tells me that he told her that he would consider converting for me if things “got that deep” but would want our children to know about his religious background.  I hadn’t even agreed to be his girlfriend at this point.  I like this guy but whoa!

I freaked out at this point, and withdrew a little.  When I tried to talk to him about everything, he made light of the comments.  Although, when I pressed him about the reasons why he liked me so much, he listed, in the following order:  1) that I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across and that he respected that, 2) I was “cool people” to hang out with, 3) we got along well, 4) I was educated.  What am I to make of this guy?  I expected reason #4 to be higher on the list, and reason #1 to be lower.

What are your insights?  Should I end this for good?  Is he crazy?  Am I crazy?

Effei

Virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

A multilayered question from a booksmart girl. Where to begin?

Let’s start with the virginity thing.

I’ve answered questions from virgins before and really feel for them. It’s not easy having a moral code that is out of step with the majority of the world.

Then again, virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

Frankly, that’s a bit messed up, and I’d be concerned if I were you.

Now I’ll admit – I don’t fully understand the virgin until marriage thing.

I don’t understand why a man would prefer someone with no sexual experience whatsoever. It’s like trying to train an employee to type when you’re used to people who can type 75wpm.

And I also don’t understand it from the virgin’s perspective. Sex doesn’t have to be procreative. It doesn’t have to be with someone you love, although it’s nice. And sex is, by most accounts, a really fun pastime. Not only is it a great way to kill twenty minutes before you go to sleep, but it’s also an exhilarating bonding experience between two people….

And until you have experienced that sexual bond with a few men, you really have no idea what’s out there.

It might be easy to say that you only want to save it for your one and only, but what if your one and only doesn’t please you? It’s like assuming you wanted to be a doctor for your whole life, but learning in med school that you actually hate it. People do this ALL the time. There’s no downside in doing your research. And yes, having sex with other men besides your future husband can be considered very fun research.

The same guy who puts you on a pedestal for being a virgin might take you down a notch when you’re not.

Lest anyone fly off the handle, I’m not saying Effei should go screw a stranger at a bar. But maybe having sex with the first man she falls in love with BEFORE she gets married would be a decent idea. Test driving the vehicle before buying it is rarely considered poor etiquette.

Anyway, this is really about your new guy, and I’m more concerned about him.

It’s a very common male psychology to exalt the untouched – to value the new car instead of the old car, etc. But that psychology plays to the age-old double standard – men are studs, women are sluts. Somehow, by not being with anybody, you’ve turned yourself into even MORE of an object, the shiniest apple at the top of the tree. And this guy is scrambling to climb it as fast as he can. But what happens when he takes a bite? What happens, Effei?

Neither you nor I know the answer. But I’d be pretty concerned. See, his change in tone with you made one thing very clear to me – he’s not enamored with YOU; he’s enamored with what you REPRESENT. And that’s dangerous – as dangerous as a woman liking a guy because he’s rich. Wealthy men are always on the lookout for golddiggers, with good reason – they’re often very good at masking their intentions. Your guy isn’t. The second he heard you were untouched, your value to him skyrocketed. And it shouldn’t. You’re the same woman you were the day before.

Which is my big worry.

The same guy who puts you on a pedestal for being a virgin might take you down a notch when you’re not.

So while I’m tempted to tell you to dump this guy, I would urge you to continue take it slow and let him reveal his true intentions.

He IS going too fast, he DOES seem insincere, and you DON’T want to be objectified because you’re different.

Please come back and let us know how it went.

Evan

P.S. Get over the idea that men should value you for your education. It’s not that education doesn’t matter – it’s that it matters FAR LESS than the things that he DOESN’T possess himself. Like sex, for example.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Francis

    Some men want virgins, others do not. Me myself want a virgin to carry my children, a non virgin is okay if it is only for sex. If you are gonna sleep around at least be honest when your date asks you. Lying about it just shows what kind of behaviour it is in your own eyes. Tell the truth and let him decide if he wants to take things to the next level.

    Also before somebody starts whinings about double moral: there is a huge difference in men and women, a man needs to fight to get laid; a woman only needs to open her legs.

  2. 82
    James

    The only thing that could make this article (and most of these comments) more wrong is if they mentioned the earth being flat or Trump being a friend of Mexicans. Women who are still virgins are the farthest thing from a commodity. The United States of Adultery (Yes, I said it that way on purpose, and I challenge anyone out there to prove me wrong. There is almost as much data as there is national debt to give this new name for our country complete merit.) has built whole industries around sexually-active, unmarried civilians, from movie genres and tv shows to music and pharmaceuticals. These people are the real commodity, and are praised as being the pinnacle of what is popular and aspired for. They objectify themselves every morning they wake up in a bed with someone else from the night before.

    To the ladies who are annoyed at men who try harder when they find out you are a virgin, let me explain why this is.

    1. Assuming that you are truly a virgin, you have proven that you have more self-respect for yourself than pretty much anyone else does, because you haven’t settled for your special first time to be with just anyone, but hopefully with the man you really love and want to marry.

    2. You have also shown that you have more self-control than pretty much anyone else in the fact that you haven’t given in to temptation (We know you’ve wanted to, but you’ve held off, and that speaks volumes).

    3. You show that you value who your marriage partner is by not giving yourself to others along the way.

    No wonder guys act crazy around you. You actually are an amazing and unique person with VALUES.

  3. 83
    Kenneth Bell

    If you are a virgin man or woman nothing is wrong with that. Growing up i was taught to respect a lady not a hoe. To most men dating a virgin is like having the woman of your dreams.  My view is that a man wants to go around public with his lady knowing that mailman or jimmy from across the street had a piece of their woman. Thats why some women keep their past a secret. If your not a virgin nothing is wrong with that your a human being just like everyone else. And just because your first man or woman dont work out it doesnt mean its going to happen to everybody. Just like people say its their free will to explore others but its also a person free will to stay with one person. So dont let people talk you out of your relationship just because it didnt work for them.

  4. 84
    AJ

    People in these comments make me laugh. I’m a virgin and considering the superficial and stereotypical responses I see here I can see why men have not responded to my sexual status kindly.

    Effie, having no sex or having all the sex in the world does NOTHING in the way of securing your marriage or the ability to sustain a healthy relationship. There are tons of divorced couples out there who had great sex and it wasn’t enough.

    Good sex with a new partner takes time and communication moreso than just experience. Great sex is something that can evolve between two people so don’t get hung up on this “test drive” nonsense. You’re a human being not a tool for transport.

    I’m not super religious nor am I conservative. I just haven’t found a guy open minded enough to not a) fetishize me or go to the other extreme and villify me because clearly, SOMETHING must be wrong (cue eye roll).

    As for this dude, I’m happy you have a good head on your shoulders and can spot red flags. People assume a lot about us based purely on what We haven’t done but not all virgins are naïve.

    I am a big believer in addressing a red flag head on. Rather than speculate, ask questions and let him know it bothers you that your stock went up when your V-card was revealed.

    Also having more than 5 sexual partners in your lifetime increases your chances of cervical cancer by am alarming proportion. People get offended by the disease argument but people are getting sick all the time just no one wants to discuss it.

    At the end of the day you alone have to live with the choices you make for yourself. This is not a double standard on my part either. A high body count on a man is an unattractive quality to me. Self-control and discernment are very attractive qualities to me but getting harder to come by.

    You will find that many people who will encourage you to sew your wild oats in the manner that they have done it are miserable and often looking for company.

    If you want to have sex do it on your terms. If you abstain do it on your terms. You are an educated woman so do as much reading and research as you can. But take it all with a grain of salt.

    Good luck!

     

    Good luck!

  5. 85
    Raze

    I have no problem with girls staying virgin till marriage. I have a problem with some men who insist the girl they should be serious for marriage should be virgin even if they fucked lot of girls. Feeling special.amd self-entitled. They are trash.

  6. 86
    eli

    I’m 21 and still a virgin. To be honest, I don’t know if I’m gonna wait till marriage or not. But I definitely don’t agree with sleeping around too much. That’s just my opinion. It’s almost as if you people are saying that people like myself are problematic or something lol

  7. 87
    Charles

    Lots of interesting comments and perspectives in this thread, so I thought I’d just throw in my two cents. I am a virgin male in my early 20’s who would very much prefer a virgin partner. Contrary to many of the comments here, this has nothing to do with the “commodification” of women. It’s entirely about myself. I know that in being romantically involved with a non-virgin woman, my mind is incapable of separating that person from their past. It has nothing to do with them; it’s entirely my own ill mind and negative experiences that have shaped me in this way. I know it’s not the healthiest or most productive way to think, but it’s sinply who I am. So my hope in life is to find someone I can admire and respect, who can understand and accept my uncontrollable thoughts, and shares my virtue of saving themselves for the right person. So that’s my perspective. Just throwing it out there for the sake of broadening the conversation.

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