Why Men Should Say No to Sex

couple cuddling on the couch

I’d like to hear your take on how a guy can smoothly handle the condom issue early in the dating relationship (assuming things get hot and heavy on the first few dates before the “safe sex talk” comes up).  

For example, on the first few dates, the guy is not sure if he is going to ‘get lucky’ or not with the woman he’s dating.  

If things start to get intimate early on, the guy is going to look pretty tacky if he just whips a condom out of his pocket when it’s time. The woman would probably think, “The jerk must think I’m always easy that he put a condom in his pocket EXPECTING sex!”

So what’s he supposed to do to make this go more smoothly? If he just whips out a condom out of his wallet, she’ll probably think he’s looking like the promiscuous high school football star.  

The guy could just not bring condoms on the early dates (so it doesn’t look too obvious that he’s just out for sex), and hope the woman has one in her belongings or at her place. But then the woman could be thinking the guy is not very responsible, and he’s leaving it to her to bring the goods.

Perhaps the guy could put some in his glove compartment and tell her, “Hey, I didn’t know we were going to get intimate on this 1st (or 2nd) date, but I do have a condom in my glove compartment, I think.”   It would chill the sudden hot intimacy while he has to dash out to his car, but how else does a guy not look like a jerk in this whole process if things get unexpectedly sexual early on?  



Dear Jim,

First off, kudos to you for asking this. It’s not only a fun question, but an original one, as well.

Second, you’ve clearly thought this through, although I’m quite sure I don’t agree with your final conclusion.

Dashing to the car to retrieve a rubber from the glove compartment? I know you were going for some sort of compromise between prepared and unprepared, but this isn’t it. Might as well turn on Jay Leno and pour two glasses of milk, because your mood has already been ruined.

So let’s discuss the two alternatives you brought up and allow me to counter with one that you don’t seem to have considered.

You’re right about the perception of the guy who carries the condom in his wallet. I did it myself for years and got nothing out of it, except for a bunch of wallets with raised ring outlines. And, as you acknowledged, it comes off as a bit too slick and tacky. While being prepared is usually a good idea, the negative connotations outweigh the benefits of preparedness.

The other idea you came up with is not bringing condoms on dates, in hopes that the woman is prepared. This is a far better scenario, and I don’t believe that it indicates that you’re not responsible. Rather, it indicates that you didn’t expect to be in the position to have sex.

But what I want to posit with the rest of this post is a mind-blowing new take for men on how to deal with sex and early-phase dating.

Don’t do it….

See, that’s the supposition underlying all dates: “When are we gonna have sex?” And although sex can make things very exciting, it often leads to disastrous results.

Unless both parties are on the same page with either an exclusive relationship or an agreed-upon casual relationship, it’s likely that one person will feel stronger than the other. And you know how that plays out:

You two have sex on the second date.

She thinks this means you want to be her boyfriend.

You think it was fun, but don’t see her as your future wife.

Her heart gets broken.

You feel like a jerk.

This is dating, in five lines.

So what I’m proposing here is a whole new paradigm shift — one in which hot-and-heavy, spontaneous, condom scrambling never takes place again.

Why? Because you’re actually going to talk about sex before you have it. And what are you going to say, Jim?

“I don’t have sex with anyone with whom I’m not in an exclusive relationship. Which is why I don’t carry condoms with me anywhere.”

It’s crazy, I know.

But once I started doing this, the results were astounding.

Women would say, “Are you serious?”

And I’d say, “Completely.”

And they’d say, playfully, “You mean if I tried to seduce you right now, you’d say no?”

And I’d say, “That’s right.”

And they’d smile and stare at me and say, “Hmmm…”

And what I’ve established with that one declaration is this:

I’m safe.

I’m not going to rape her.

I’m not trying to take her home tonight.

I’m not out for just sex.

I don’t sleep around.

I have integrity.

I’m surprising.

I’m challenging.

I’m different.

Saying no to spontaneous sex gives a man power. Constantly chasing sex makes him weak. I’m not saying that spontaneous sex isn’t fun, or that I’m morally above it. I’m saying that nothing bad comes out of saying no.

Either you’ll avoid breaking hearts (which is a good thing) or you’ll make sex into something special (which is a good thing). Regardless, she’ll respect you for taking an unusual stand.

And more likely than not, she’ll feel so comfortable with you that if you do choose to have sex, you’ll be able to have it the next time out, but not until you’ve had a genuine conversation about what it means.

Say no to spontaneous sex.

More power, less heartbreak.

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  1. 61

    First of all, it’s good to say that a man should say no to sex on a first date. Me and this guy once crushed on each other, and the idiot called and asked when was I going to let him have sex with me, and stated “he had a box of condoms in his truck”…are you serious??? That was the biggest turn-off for me. Number one, who said that I was going to agree to have sex with you? number two, somebody coming off strong to me like that indicates to me that you are a horny idiot who does not care about somebodys morals first. Everything about that was off-key. To me, if somebody had condoms ready, the first thing I’m going to think is, how many skeet skeets has this idiot been sleeping with? Then again, I can see how some people just want to be prepared just in case. Wow…I don’t know where the generation turned, but nobody is wanting to get to know anyone anymore before sex. Guess the epidemic of unwanted pregnancies, STDS and AIDS is not a big dea, eh? But I like the topic of this nontheless. It’s attractive when a man shows he has morals and values and shows that he is sincere without wanting to take advantage of a woman first….but, there aren’t too many out here like that.

  2. 62

    I think this is a great answer – especially if you mean it. Even saying, “I don’t have sex with any one without discussing our relationship first so there’s no confusion,” would be good. Both avoid drama, confusion, and needless heartache. It never killed anybody to wait – contrary to popular belief.

  3. 63

    Not having sex the first few times you go out is a very good idea, but shouldn’t we all be doing that anyway? I mean, what’s the value in meeting someone, who you barely know, and getting that intimate that fast? I have never really believed in “dating” per se; I tend to screen pretty heavily before I’d ever even go out with someone. And I do not see a lot of people. Maybe one a year. I’m pretty picky, but not irrationally so. I do not believe in casual anything, though, including sex or dating. I am also not looking to get married, either. I am looking for commitment, and that means most of the guys I get involved with are pretty damned serious to begin with, otherwise I don’t get involved. My mother (ironically!) always used to criticise this about me, that I always had “relationships” and never “dated”, like dating is a lot of fun. I would have to say that I used conversations in lieu of what others probably use dating for. I can find out a lot about someone long before investing time, money or strong emotions in them. And sex…. sex is for when you know, because you’ve spent enough time talking, how you feel about one another, and whether you have a hope in hell of making it as a couple. Otherwise, sex is of no interest to me. There’s got to be a lot going on between me and the other person before I’d even consider sex. It’s not worth it–too much gets lost when you give your body to someone indiscriminately, without forethought, let alone foreplay.

  4. 64

    I think part of the issue is that there are some people who are just a lot more comfortable with casual sex than others. There’s no point in pretending you’re something that you’re not. A guy should have an opinion about whether he is okay with casual sex, and he should take full responsibility (as should every girl – no one’s off the hook) for making sure sex is safe no matter when it happens. But if he doesn’t like the idea of sleeping with every single girl he takes out for a drink, he probably has the maturity and restraint to enjoy her presence without taking his pants off for one night. And that maturity is evident in the way a guy carries himself in general – and it does make him more attractive.
    But if a guy, or a girl for that matter, decides that in general it’s okay to have sex on a first date, he should own up to it, be honest with himself, and bring the darn condom. I would think that kind of guy ESPECIALLY should be watching out for his health.
    Wanting to avoid appearing too eager in my view shows that the guy isn’t ready to be honest with himself or others about just how casually he treats sex. Not all guys are promiscuous, but many are, and more of them should just own up to it. Is sex on a first date ever really an “accident”? Come on. If you’re that eager to have sex you probably knew it before you left your house. If a girl thinks you are too slutty because you want the option of having sex on a first date while she doesn’t even buy her own condoms, maybe the two of you don’t share the same values and you shouldn’t be having sex with her anyway. She’s probably the kind of girl who is going to be pretty hurt when you don’t call her the next day. And that’s the underlying scary issue here: if you want casual sex, please please please don’t pretend something extraordinary is happening with a girl who’s going to be crushed when she finds out that it was meaningless. That’s just plain irresponsible and unkind. There are lots of other girls who ARE interested in casual sex and won’t stalk you or swear off men for life after a one night stand.
    Personally… I’d opt for not having sex on day one, and I’d have serious questions in the long run about a guy who fundamentally disagreed. So I agree with Evan’s answer except for the fact that this is not about having more power, it’s about respecting yourself and your health, and making sure that the girl’s level of respect for you and for herself equals your own.
    All that said, any single person should keep spare condoms at home, and if you’re okay with having sex somewhere other than at home on a first date, god help you to know that you’re the kind of person who should keep condoms strapped to your chest at all times.

  5. 65

    Good Damn answer Collette!

  6. 66

    I’d like to take this one step further.   I am a woman in my 50’s.   Condom use is   for disease protection, HIV, Hepatitis, Herpes, STD’s.   Personally, I hate them.
    Impotence was also brought up.   Many men at this age (not all men) have difficulty keeping the condom on, because having one on decreases sensation and at this age there is already a decrease in the ability on “keeping it up”.   PS, for many woman, it also takes longer to reach peak pleasure.   Oh Bother!
    SO, what are your suggestions?   How does a woman approach the subject when you are both ready to take it to the next level, of keeping it safe?   The optionI see is blood tests before sex!   (because the condom is no longer protection when it falls off mid sex!)   How is that discussed without causing a man to look like a deer in the headlights?
    PS: I bought my two sons condoms when they were 13 years old; put them in the medicine chest.   However, we also discussed respecting and loving themselves, as well as the girl they may be with.   My thoughts, better safe than sorry.
    Have one with you.   I know I’ve been in a situation that lust and passion would not wait -care to the wind!.   If there was no condom, there would have been sex without it.   I’m glad I had some in my drawer.

  7. 67

    My current guy turned me down for sex even though we met in a bar and I brought him home. He told me that he wanted to be able to call me. I’m not sure if this is because he has no respect for women with which he’s had one night stands, but it certainly melted my heart.

  8. 68

    I tend to agree with the Zann and the other ladies.   Sex is a natural thing that’s needed to build a healthy relationships.   Do carry condoms with me all the time….absolutely not.   If things go hot and heavy and looks like things will happen….no big deal I tell the girl flat out that I don’t have a condom and we need to  turn down the  heat in  here  and but when we schedule the next date….I remember to go to walgreens  so I’ll be  ready for the next time.   It doesn’t make me a guy whose sex starved.   I also agree to the  that fact that sex should at least be monogomous.   But how can that happen I keep rejecting the girl right in front me if not prepared this time.

  9. 69

    The reality is a lot of men want to have sex with no condom and women too. The above responsible posters are really the minority in this world.

  10. 70

    Hunter 58 – snap.
    And to all those ladies out there who are still getting infections while not sleeping with other men than their own, shouldn’t that be telling you that………………..he’s sleeping with other women????

  11. 71

    This one made me laugh out loud. I live in Southern California, and anything rubber you leave in the glove compartment is gonna melt by August. Not anything you’d want near your privates!!
    Other than that, my first thought about the condom was, “oh, good, he’s responsible”. Just my two cents.

  12. 72

    Good advice Evan, – Now, if I could only meet BOTH men who will take this advice, perhaps I’d have a chance that one of them would lead to a relationship 🙂

    Also want to add, the condom in the glove compartment – – BAD IDEA ! Especially if you live in a place with high temperatures.

  13. 73

    I agreed with Evan : )!!!

  14. 74
    Kate Minter

    “Constantly chasing sex makes him weak.”

    Yeeeessssss.   Women may be flabbergasted and hurt by a man saying no if he doesn’t explain like Evan described above, but, the truth is, this is one of the few ways men can truly earn the respect of a woman: if they’re not a puppet to her sexual desires.

  15. 75

    A woman who is THAT childish, who ist THAT underdeveloped in therms of personality and character, should be kicked out instantly. Men deserve good women.

  16. 76

    I agree with you Evan but men are not going to do or say that, at least not most men.    If a woman offers it up they are going to take it and deal with the consequences later. I am a single woman and I have condoms at my place, it is   just called being prepared. I have hooked up with guys I was dating who did not have condoms even on the 5th or 6th date and I found it odd.    So I make sure to have my own.   I would take no offense if a guy had one in his wallet one way or the other.   Single men or women should have condoms on hand.   It’s just practical.

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