This observation from an article by Jia Tolentino blew me away. Bold type is mine:
“These days, in this country, sex has become a hyper-efficient and deregulated marketplace, and, like any hyper-efficient and deregulated marketplace, it often makes people feel very bad. Our newest sex technologies, such as Tinder and Grindr, are built to carefully match people by looks above all else. Sexual value continues to accrue to abled over disabled, cis over trans, thin over fat, tall over short, white over nonwhite, rich over poor. There is an absurd mismatch in the way that straight men and women are taught to respond to these circumstances.
These days, in this country, sex has become a hyper-efficient and deregulated marketplace
Women are socialized from childhood to blame themselves if they feel undesirable, to believe that they will be unacceptable unless they spend time and money and mental effort being pretty and amenable and appealing to men. Conventional femininity teaches women to be good partners to men as a basic moral requirement: a woman should provide her man a support system, and be an ideal accessory for him, and it is her job to convince him, and the world, that she is good.
Men, like women, blame women if they feel undesirable. And, as women gain the economic and cultural power that allows them to be choosy about their partners, men have generated ideas about self-improvement that are sometimes inextricable from violent rage.”
Hell, we’ve seen it in the comments section here. Although I delete the most hateful comments immediately into the trash, my desire for a free forum allows misogynists to vent about their frustrations with women right alongside women venting their frustrations about men. But the author above has a point. Women look inward in an attempt to take responsibility in some way for her relationship failures. Men look outward. It’s why I’m a coach for women, not men. It’s not that men don’t need help. They do, and desperately. It’s that they generally don’t ask for it. If they’re not getting laid, they’re more likely to blame an entire gender for their woes.
Women look inward in an attempt to take responsibility in some way for her relationship failures. Men look outward.
I always knew there were 20, 30 and 40-year old virgins. What I didn’t know until they started killing people was that they were an organized community called Incels (short for involuntarily celibate). Per this Glamour article, “(Incels are) an online community of men who are, in the simplest terms, angry that they can’t convince women to have sex with them. Unlike typical men who are irked they’re not having sex, incels don’t grouse to their friends over beers and try to pick up girls at bars—they talk about overthrowing feminism and, often, plot violence against women….What incels want is extremely limited and specific: they want unattractive, uncouth, and unpleasant misogynists to be able to have sex on demand with young, beautiful women. They believe that this is a natural right.”
If there hasn’t been enough written about the differences between men and women, we can see it right here. Women rarely, if ever, murder strangers out of rage, but I have never heard of any woman wanting to destroy men because she can’t get laid. This is a problem unique to the male gender and the times in which we live. I don’t have a solution for it, no more than I have a solution for our political discourse, but I do think it’s worth it to discuss how sad, lonely guys think this is their only way out. Are incels just like ISIS or Alex Jones’ followers? People who are looking for someone to blame and devoting their entire existence to justifying that blame instead of looking in the mirror…
Your thoughts, below, are greatly appreciated.