Why Women Should Make Men Wait For Sex

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If you’ve ever wondered why it seems that men are okay with no-strings-attached sex while women tend to suffer with this arrangement, watch this video closely.

It affirms everything that I’ve ever written about sex and gender in a very logical, concrete manner. In short, women teach men how to treat them. And if, due to equality, birth-control, libido, societal acceptance, and insecurity, many women are willing to have sex with men who don’t call, pay, commit, or make an effort, then those women are essentially teaching men that they do not have to behave well to procure sex.

You want to find out if a man is serious about you? Wait to have sex with him.

My advice is not to tell men that they shouldn’t sleep with women; it’s to tell women that you must have men make a greater investment in you as individuals before having sex.

This is why I created the 2/2/2 rule to screen men through the online dating process.
This is why I say you should wait 5-6 weeks before he’s your boyfriend.
This is why I tell you not to have sex outside of commitment.

You want to find out if a man is serious about you? Wait to have sex with him. If you don’t – because you’re a liberated woman who can have sex whenever you damn well please – don’t be too surprised if a decent percentage of those men never call again. Again, I’m not remotely judgmental of those who have sex without commitment; I will only point out as a dating coach that it tends to lead to sub-optimal results from men because they didn’t have to do anything special to get into bed with you.

Note: there will be no comments about slut-shaming, since no one is shaming anyone, nor calling anyone a slut. Nor will there be comments about how you slept with your boyfriend on the first date and he became your husband. The many exceptions don’t disprove the rule that giving men sex without demanding better treatment is not the best idea.

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Comments:

  1. 42
    Chris

    First and foremost, I have to say the moment I stumbled on Evan’s blogs & resources I knew I found the information that I needed at this point in   my life.   Candid, fresh, honest and informative!   Thank you!!
    In response to your post, I have to say that this is totally on point!   Unfortunately, I found this out after the fact and am now trying to figure out how to salvage it.   What I did want to add is I waited long enough for the guy to still be around after sex but not enough time to develop the emotional connection that is necessary for him to desire, be inspired to want me, and most importantly want a relationship with me.   I don’t know if I will fix it but I know I aim to try.   All elements of a relationship are independent but also interdependent of the other.   HUGE   
    If you need advice this is a great place to find it.   Thanks again 🙂   

  2. 43
    Marie

    (Thanks Lynn and Marymary)
    I’d like to point out for those of you who keep saying waiting for sex until you are ready can’t be done because other women are putting out and you will lose to the competition – stop thinking about it as a competition.   If you adopt waiting as part of your principles, your character then it’s not about other people, the guy, what other women do.   It’s about living life based on your principles. And if you can live authentically then you will eventually attract a man of the same character who values you for more than sex.
    I’ve asked my husband if he would have called if we had had sex on the first date. (He hates these questions!). He said in all seriousness probably not because he wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time and would have gotten what he wanted.   I kept bugging him to tell me at what point it would have been ok to have sex and he said honestly not sooner then when we did (about date 9 or over a month) because by that time he was so emotionally bonded to me (we were bf/gf) he had already decided to wait for as long as I needed because he was in it for the long haul.    My husband is one of those rare nice guy with balls.   He is a successful alpha male who was also loving and giving.   This is the kind of guy women wish they could attract.   But to do so you have to stand out from the crowd.   You have to live according to your principles and get him to see you for who you are.   If you hop into bed before you establish the emotional respect and connection you will likely go the way of the other women who are tailing him. (If your principles are actually universally to have sex first and ask questions later then don’t bother trying this as it will not come off as authentic but game playing.)

    1. 43.1
      SparklingEmerald

      Marie@ 43 – Thanks for sharing your story.   And as happy as I am that you found love and marriage, I must admit (please don’t hate me for telling you my gut feelings on this) that your questioning of you hubby, revealed a quality that I absolutely loathe in men, and that is their sexual hypocrisy.   (which is probably why he, and most men, HATE questions like that)   I HATE that men initiate sex so soon, then hold it against a woman when they get it.   Or hold it against woman when they don’t get it.   I don’t know if your hubby pushed for sex on a first date or not, so perhaps I am not completely understanding his answer.   If he did push for sex and you put the brakes on that, then essentially he was just looking to “get what he wanted” and move on.   That’s not nice.   The fact that he stuck around leads me to believe he was in it for the chase, but looks like he fell in love anyway.     Now, on the other hand, if he didn’t push for sex on a first date, then you were asking a completely different question.   Because in that case, if he didn’t push for sex, that means YOU would have initiated it.   So most men will disappear after female initiated sex that happens pre-c0mittment.   In that case, they aren’t hypocrites but merely opportunists.   No guy is going to turn down sex that is OFFERED to him on a silver platter and of COURSE he won’t call after that, because he wasn’t into her to begin with.  
      I totally agree that women should have their sexual boundaries no matter what other women’s boundaries are.   Don’t be pressured by to “sexually audition” in hopes that it will lead to a relationship.   If a guy sees you as relationship material, he’ll wait, if he’s on the fence (and I hear that men are rarely on the fence, it’s either yes or no)   he might wait, if he doesn’t see you as relationship material, having sex won’t change that, and in most cases, the woman will end up feeling hurt that she “flunked” the sexual audition and didn’t get the part of leading lady in some guys life.
      In my experience, if a guy tries for sex on a first or second date, it’s a SURE SIGN that he’s not looking for a relationship, but is just looking to literally get in and out.   (This is just my experience, YMMV) I now just write off guys who push for sex THAT soon.   After that, if a guy starts in that direction, I still wait, and depending on how he responds, I will continue to see him.     I figure if a guy REALLY saw me as girlfriend material, he wouldn’t dream of trying to bed me too soon, for fear of ruining any chance he had.   I think at my age, most guys know that women don’t like to be pressured into sex so soon.     And if they don’t know that they are too clue-less for me to consider.

      1. 43.1.1
        Marie

        @SE – I’d like to answer your questions but I don’t think I understand your chain of reasoning.   Of course my husband didn’t pressure me for sex, he would never do that.   If you knew him, you’d understand he’d never pressure any girl for sex and would not ever have to.   But that doesn’t mean he didn’t start the date out being hopeful somewhere in the back of his mind.   Why would that mean I would have initiated sex? The thought of me doing that is really hilarious.   Seriously, not being sarcastic but that’s just funny.   He never went into this with any specific conscious agenda.   He’s not a player like that.   He just wanted to go with the flow and have fun, see where it takes us.   That describes a lot of men.   Did he stick around for the chase?   No, he stuck around because sometime in date 2 the shocking thought entered his mind that, wow, she might be the one.   I might actually marry this woman.   And as such a ridiculous thought had never walloped him in the head before, he was not about to let some other guy get his paws on me.
        As to you hating men who initiate sex too soon and then holding it against women, as I understand it from other posters on this blog, women seem to be initiating sex just as much.   And it’s not always a judgy thing.   It’s just that once the haze of sexual desire wears off, men sometimes wake up and realize this woman is a poor match for them in so many different ways.   Should they have understood this before they got naked?   Sure but people aren’t computers.   Logic isn’t always available when you need it.   Personally, my advice is to focus less on what you perceive to be the hypocrisy of men (something which you can’t control but are merely reacting to) and more on factors within your control — better screening of men who better match your life principles.   This by the way, usually requires time.   Have you figured out how to get that time?

    2. 43.2
      julia

      Thanks Marie. I am glad your husband felt he could honestly tell you what he would have done. I would like to remind you he is one man and not representative of every man out there. I have found an incredibly kind, generous sensitive alpha male who feels the opposite. Not because he is an exception but because he is an individual with complex emotions like all of us. I know Evan would like us to see the nuance but there is an incredible amount of black and white thinking here. That all men split after having sex because they got what they want. Some men do, some don’t. Just like some of us need a commitment to have sex and some of us don’t.
        

      1. 43.2.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        There is no black and white thinking going on here, Julia. In fact, no one said that “all men split after having sex.” What I said – ad nauseum – is that women who can’t handle the possibility that men can split after sex have every right to make a man wait until commitment, and can successfully do so from a place of confidence and power. Anything else you’re inferring is just that – you inferring.

      2. 43.2.2
        Marie

        Julia, congratulations on your newfound happiness.   You worked hard and really deserved it.   As to your point, I’ve lost track — is this the same guy you were beginning to date before (M?) or someone else?   If the same guy, as I recall, he was already quite emotionally committed to you before you slept together.   Even though you didn’t do the whole bf/gf discussion first, it was pretty clear where it was headed (at least from the outside looking in).   According to your description: “He didn’t need to wait weeks to figure it out, from the moment he met me (literally he says the moment I opened the door and kissed him on the cheek he knew I was a prize.)”   In that case, really unless you were a mass murderer I don’t think anything would have deterred him, certainly not sex.   So I would like to remind YOU that your man could also  be the exception, and not the rule, considering most men don’t know from the first moment they meet  a girl, from the very first kiss.  
        I’m going to point out that I did date quite a few men before my husband (45), some before Evan’s advice, some during.   By and large I found that Evan’s advice characterized them accurately.   I also think that in many ways my husband was the exception because he was a cut above the rest.   But in order to find him, I had to accurately weed out the chafe and it is there that Evan’s advice was most useful.   Otherwise I would be like my girlfriends — stuck in emotionally dead end relationships and wasting their time.

  3. 44
    John

    In fact, no one said that “all men split after having sex.” What I said — ad nauseum — is that women who can’t handle the possibility that men can split after sex have every right to make a man wait until commitment, and can successfully do so from a place of confidence and power
      
    In Part 1 of this blog and in the title, you certainly do not make that disclaimer that this advice only pertains to women who cant handle the possibility of men splitting early. It is only now after a backlash in comments that you add that disclaimer. Your original comments spoke to all women- not just the ones who cant handle it. Go back and read it.
      
    Since that original blog, in your comments and in your subsequent follow up, you have made that distinctionad naueum. But for folks just getting around to reading the headline and the article for the first time,   you made it sound like this applied to all women.

  4. 45
    Evan Marc Katz

    John,

    1) Since I didn’t do a thorough job of properly explaining myself in the first post, I took the time to do so in THIS blog post. Do you have any objections to what I said here? If not, then we should be cool.

    2) If you’re going to engage me on my website, you should probably stop trashing me on other websites.

  5. 46
    LaMiss

    Wow. From the outside it’s really something to see how often a message (and surprise, surprise, it’s sex getting everyone so riled) can be bashed and misinterpreted, over and over, and erroneously so. How many times has Evan now had to say that his message applies only to those women who do/may feel shaky after sex without commitment? How many times does he have to say that there is no judgement on those who feel differently? Keep doing what you’re doing and more power to you, no? If anything I’m jealous that you can, it sounds great. But I unfortunately can’t. My sleeping with a guy means that I like him, for whatever reason I’ve already decided that I like him, and since I now know that men don’t even have to like me to sleep with me (and if you’re considered hot and ‘exotic’ this can happen quite a lot), I’m at a disadvantage. Evan is helping women like me out. I’ve seen plenty of examples of friends sleeping with a guy pretty quickly and having that turn into a relationship. I also have a number of examples of friends who waited for some sign of exclusivity before sex (they didn’t necessarily have to ask for it). If the guy likes you it probably doesn’t matter either way. It’s just that as a woman if you don’t want to take the risk that he doesn’t actually like you, but is thinking with lust first and the rest second, then Evan’s stance works great. The guy who actually likes you will stick around anyway. And you have one less thing to worry about.
    Anyway… Came across this article that puts an interesting spin on the topic. My main takeaway is below, a different spin on the ‘women should join forces’ sexonomics stance of the original video:
    “What if the fact the you’re sleeping with some guy is squashing his motivation and desire to go out and find the  true  love of his life, because his immediate sexual needs are being met. And meanwhile, some other girl is doing the same with the guy  you’re  supposed to be with?”

  6. 47
    Lyn

    I am currently dating a man who admits to having “male whore tendencies”, he told me after out initial chat about my discomfort with casual sex that he wanted to wait before being intimate with me, because he knows it would mean being fully committed, and he’s not sure about that yet. Despite feeling a bit disappointed that he’s not sure about me, I am grateful and impressed by his honesty and respect. Is this an unusual experience to encounter? Although in my early 50s, im relatively new to the dating world and don’t have a good feel for what’s normal, etc..

  7. 48
    JoJOe

    Marriage doesn’t make us “committed” there is the option of divorce and just straight out abandonment. The presentation tells us that if all women got together and started a “no sex” movement, men would have to work harder on that monogamy. Wars have stopped because women refused to have sex as a collective. The video states “It hasn’t happen yet” planting a seed to prompt women into a “shoulder to shoulder, hit parade”.
    However, if we take back our power, and it is power. What we have is yet another inequality. A collective energy that eventually will flip the other way at some point in its evolution. Why should any woman believe that they are now enslaved to men? The video clearly states through example, theory and facts. We are again being objectified and treated as we have been in the past.
    Are we so desperate under the pressure to become “tied” that we become “comfort women”
    to anything that comes along? Do we have to revert back to chastity belts?
    So how to change a man’s attitude about women, humans, sex, and stop using the excuse of his genetics? How are we going to evolve the humane species if we don’t’ stop treating others like recyclable plastic utilities? For one thing, as women have a more communal approach to survival and community, (just at the baseline) so we could simply tell them.
    That’s all, just tell them.
    No, you can’t treat “anybody” like crap, no you can’t be dishonest, no you can’t be aggressive, no you can’t have “everything” you want. Yes, you should honour others and yourself, yes, you should be respectful and help others.
    We women don’t have to be the HOLE but we can be the WHOLE.
    That means, telling HIM, how to treat his world with compassion not illusion.
    “I need to know your values and character as a person before I get all funky with you.
    WHY? Because I want to know what is in the recipe before I nurture myself with it.
    And sexually, for me as a human being, I choose wisely.”
    Don’t hold men in contempt, hold them in credibility. I’ve seen it, I practice it.
    I’ve seen men really look at how they treat the world and women around themselves.
    I’ve seen them change; I’ve seen them re-evaluate their intentions and their ethics.
    Men can reason with these kinds of values very well. When I can reach a man this way, I know we’ve both come to an agreement on respect. Men understand that word before love.
    As for myself, I’ve come to a personal agreement, I need good men in this my world, life, universe. I have no problem showing them the way. That is my feminine power and my universal duty. Call it what you may, I call it equality.

  8. 49
    JoJOe

    Ha, I can’t edit here, could you change Mirage to Marriage. Then again, seems like a Freudian slip of sorts. HA.. Thanks Evan your a good man.

  9. 50
    JoJOe

    I can also support hundreds of times I’ve done this effectively without insult or aggression. Firstly be the change you want to see. Your character becomes your destiny. What you say to a man becomes his choice and you leave it with him. This goes for your approach to anyone. It’s about change, but not for my benefit, for your’s and for others. I can walk away, let you go, but I will hopefully have planted a seed to show you the way to respect, love and learn on your journey’s. I don’t get booty calls, I get “I’ve met a great woman” calls. I get “hope you’re doing good emails”. I get “sorry I did that” texts. For all the trouble of what men say they don’t want (our talking on and on) believe me, they need our words our thoughts and our actions.

  10. 51
    Rocks

    As a dyed in the wool scientist, I tried this theory and stuck to it for three years, turning down/being rejected by several dozen guys. I am not exaggerating. The result: I didn’t have sex FOR THREE YEARS.

    That was a lot of fun.

    p.s. thank god for BCP because it allowed me to reach my intellectual potential and make a contribution to the world outside of my uterus. Does this mean I don’t like/want children? No. Does this mean I wouldn’t follow a good man to the ends of the Earth? No. This has been a PSA.

  11. 52
    Lynn (the other one!)

    Hi Rocks @51,

    I’m quite fascinated by what you’ve said. So I’m pondering: better to have no sex, even sex without commitment, for 3 years? Or would sex, even with someone who disappeared afterward, be better than nothing at all for 3 years?

    That could be a tough call. I’m not sure what I’d do. It’s easy for me right now to say hey, I’ve done the sex without commitment thing and it hurts and I won’t do that again. The memory of the hurt is strong enough that it’s easy to stick to it. A couple of years from now? Hmm. Hard to say!

  12. 53
    Rocks

    @Lynn,
    I have an extraordinary amount of self-control, actually determination is what it is.  
    It was better for me to have no sex for three years than to a) be used for sex, b) be unfulfilled by sex with no emotion or attachment, c) be worried about non-exclusive sex-partners, d) I could go on.
    Yup, it’s not much fun.   At least the no-sexy part isn’t much fun, but the rest of life is!

  13. 54
    ysil meis

    hahaahhahha thats funny and true though, but really what does that mean>? it means that women with high standards like myself might not get the chance to reproduce, and I think thats cool, very advance women like Gloria Steinam or Joan Jett didnt reproduce either, cause this patriarchy is shit so why even bother in men, and really smart successfull beautiful women dont botherrr in men!!! sex with women is better anywaysss 🙂   and still I might get in vitro, i think is kind of scary bbbuuuutttt if i ever have enough money why not

  14. 55
    lin

    I think all this talk is annoying it’s like women are always available or something, I think you wait for sex because sex is a big commitment!!!! I need to be sure I really like the guy and feel emotionally safe before I ever have sex with him, it’s not really about if he wants to marry me or anything like that, I don’t even know if I want to be married, words fall short, but it’s funny how women who feel like “sluts” thinks everyone is slut shaming them, NO ONE HERE IS SLUTSHAMING U!! Maybe the reason you feel so bad and so shammed is because you are being too low maintenance with your bf, blame it on him or on yourself – BUT DONT PROJECT ON OTHER WOMEN.

  15. 56
    Ruth

    Many,   many   sources confirm what   Evan is saying.   Noneone needs to be religious nor a prude. Find out about the facts what Evan is saying, do your own research.   Men are   women    are   DIFFERENT Biological, hormonal, so on.   The fast amount of this post consists of emotions, and feelings..   Time for facts and reason..   Men are   NOT   just like women with different body parts.   

  16. 57
    Gabriella

    I am comfortable with the idea of waiting with sex until he commits I am just not comfortable with the idea of having to tell this while making out or in the middle of foreplay. I just don’t know how to not make it sound like game playing or setting arbitrary rules.
    I just had a guy who I had to stop on date 7 saying that I was not comfortable sleeping with him until he was my boyfriend and I can tell you it was an awkward moment and I believe it killed a lot of the attraction that he felt towards me. Besides, it did feel like game playing or bartering sex for commitment.
    Two days later he called saying he did not want a long-term relationship with me, so I was extremely happy that I had not slept with him. So, actually, Evan’s rule worked very well, I just wonder if there’s any way to communicate this that is not an instant desire-killer.

  17. 58
    Annie

    Great article. I think us women would learn a lot from this video. We are never taught in life (school etc.) on how to behave correctly and promising in relationships. I have a question though, is it possible to wait too long before having sex as well? This does not include affection and flirting. But can it hurt the relationship too if you make a guy wait too long. Say over 2 months? I would think a guy would respect whatever a decision a woman would make regarding her body. Thoughts please?

    1. 58.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      If you can enjoy foreplay for 4-6 weeks and he’s really excited about you, you can usually wait until he’s your boyfriend before having sex. It’s not about a set time period; it’s about how serious he is about making you feel safe.

  18. 59
    Lynn (the other one!)

    (Sorry if this comes through twice; browser issues)

    Right on, EMK. I love this policy, its simplicity and effectiveness.

    I know you’ve mentioned this elsewhere and I’ll echo: be prepared that the majority of guys will vanish. I joke that it’s like the sorting hat in Harry Potter. Them that just wants to get laid will go ‘poof’ when the hat is set upon them. (Or do the slow fade.)

    Which is just fine!

  19. 60
    Hazel

    I’m late 20s and a virgin, thanks to growing up with very strict culture,   in spite of the fact i was raised in the middle of show biz.

    I loved this article. It is practical and real. Love the writers style of writing and honesty!

    The way my generation does it… and i was surprised to see it depicted so well in “Awkward Moment” with Zac Efron,

    Men and women hook up (this means have sex)
    then they decide if they want to date or not.
    then after dating and going back and forth they decide if they are ‘in love’.

    The increase of STDs is continuing, people like me are afraid to even think of sex because it seems like so many people walk around with something. and i dont believe there is such a thing as safe sex, coming from parents that used birth control and a condom and i was the product of that mistake. So STDs are transferred.

    Also the guys I get fall for me, they want more. I have not once had a guy break up with me. I call the shots and I am unemotional (most guys dream girl because i dont get to be a leach). I believe all of this is due to the fact that I dont believe in premarital sex. I see clearly what im getting into.

    Sad is that I wish others would have more respect for their bodies… its kind of gross thinking how much body fluids travel back and forth between people that have slept with so many people.   

    1. 60.1
      Karmic Equation

      Those guys who’ve never broken up with you also haven’t ever proposed, have they?
      Or did they propose and you declined?
      Maybe the guys never “broke up” with you…but did they “disappear” instead?
      Something’s being left out in your self-summary.
      ———————-
      And are you planning on marrying a virgin then, too? Because if you’re not, he has   “grossly” exchanged bodily fluids with at least one someone else already. But if that’s acceptable to you, then aren’t you guilty of helping promote the old double standard? Ok for men to have experience but not for women to have it?
      Sex is a natural act and a lot less “gross” than childbirth. So I’m guessing you don’t on having children either?
      Sex is a beautiful act when done between consenting adults. It’s a fun act when it’s done between adults when at least one knows what they’re doing. When it’s a “blind leading the blind” kind of scenario, like two virgins mating, odds are, as the woman, you’re not going to enjoy it.

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