You Didn’t Lose The Person You Thought You Lost

You Didn't Lose The Person You Thought You Lost
You know what it’s like to get devastated when a promising new relationship doesn’t work out? Well, take heart – you didn’t actually lose ANYTHING.

In fact, you gained the freedom to find the person you ARE meant to be with.

It may not seem to be the case, but I want to point out to you that it’s a blessing when your dead-end relationship finally comes to a close…

A client of mine shared a story with me recently.

A lawyer in her mid-50s, Carol said that she’d gone out with this new guy three times.

He was older, divorced, and a real gentleman.

Unlike many men she’d met online, this man made a great effort each time.

He’d make plans in advance, email her in between dates, compliment her when he saw her, pay for everything, and talk about having a future together.

He was even a great kisser!

But one night while the new couple was fooling around on the couch, things got a little weird.

To avoid going too far, too fast, Carol (after some heavy petting), said what I told her to say when putting on the brakes:

“I also want you badly, but I only sleep with guys that I know I’m in a committed relationship with. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do a lot of other fun things together, but I don’t want the man I have sex with to be hitting on other women on tomorrow.”

The idea behind this is to let the man know that you ARE into him, but that you have just this one very reasonable boundary.

Generally, guys can understand this.

If he’s really into you, this is his chance to step up and become your boyfriend. If he’s not, this is a clear sign to get out.

Either way, it’s impossible for us to disrespect a woman who says she only has sex in a committed relationship. Even if we’re not getting our instant gratification met, it’s impossible for a man to find fault with a sexual woman who values herself.

A man’s failure to step up to the plate and act like a boyfriend is Red Flag #1 that he’s not a keeper.

Alas, Carol never heard from her guy the day after, or the day after that, or ever again. And when she started thinking, she started to get upset with me. After all, it was my advice that had killed her relationship. For all she knows, maybe if she would have slept with him, he would have asked her out again.

Uh uh. Nope. Fuhgeddaboutit.

Setting down boundaries for sex is a truth test – and this guy failed with flying colors.

I’m not suggesting that you “test” men. Not at all. But a man’s failure to step up to the plate and act like a boyfriend is Red Flag #1 that he’s not a keeper.

And this is why, despite her disappointment, Carol really shouldn’t be all that upset. Nor should you be upset if you ever set a reasonable boundary and the man walks away.

What’s a reasonable boundary?

Wanting to talk in between dates, making weekend plans in advance, committing to a relationship after three months.

If you suggest these in a reasonable way at a reasonable point in time and a guy refuses, then guess what?

When you choose to be devastated by a man who is not your boyfriendHe’s NOT the guy she thought he was. You didn’t lose your future husband. You lost the ILLUSION of your future husband. See, your future husband, when faced with the prospect of waiting for sex will do one of two things:

a) Decide that, yes, he does like you enough to be your boyfriend. He was just too afraid to push things that fast, but he’s glad you suggested it.

b) Decide that he’s not ready to commit yet, but he appreciates your respectable stance. You’ll both get semi-naked, have a little fun, and no hearts will be broken.

Your future husband does NOT:

c) Bail like a rat leaving from a sinking ship.

So if you’re worrying about why some guy disappears suddenly on you – without any reasonable explanation – the thing to know is this:

You didn’t lose your future husband.

You lost the ILLUSION of your future husband.

You’re OVERRATING that person’s character.

He is NOT a good partner for you.

Be GLAD that you learned that this person is not in it for the long haul.

Remember, despite all your bad experiences, there are good men out there – men just like you, who are wondering where to connect with you.

The only responsibility you have is to continue to make the effort to meet them.

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  1. 91

    Bill #94

    Evan did not call you that, he didn’t insult you either. He tried (unsuccessfully it seems) to make you understand a woman’s point of view.

    Reading you all we can say is that you date to (almost exclusively?) have sex. Good luck with that! I’m sure you achieve your goal now and then, and it seems you get extremely upset when you don’t, right?

    Hey, we all have our goals. Just think about this: you get lucky much more often than us women in our quest of a serious, faithful, healthy, happy commitment with a man. Let’s say you get a 20% rate of success, 1 out of 5 women you go out with end in bed with you. Congratulations, my success rate in finding a good, kind, committed, serious, mature man is, let’s say, 3% when I am VERY lucky.

    And you think you have the right to complain or feel frustrated? You have no idea what is frustration man, no idea.
    I pity every woman who gets close to you thinking you are more than a sex-oriented man. And remember you are the only responsible for the image you give: you haven’t addressed a single time in your posts things like “respect”, “feelings”, “considering the other person’s wishes”, “commitment” or any other thing indicating some actual appreciation of the opposite sex (other than the physical aspects).
    Listen to Evan, since you haven’t learned to listen to women… Sad.

  2. 92

    @Jadafisk 85
    How awesome are guys with that mentality going to be as long term partners, though?* Are women who exercise conservative sexual behavior okay with the double standard that men who’ve been around the block and back/men who’ll “go as far as you’ll let them” often espouse when it comes to who they decide to pursue for relationships and how relationship-worthy they think *they* are based on their own sexual behavior?

    I’m standing up and clapping! Here’s something I never quite understood… so the guy Margo’s talking to admitted to her that he loses respect for a woman if she has sex too soon with him. I don’t consider that much of a “tidbit” considering how frequently I’ve heard men say that.
    My question though is this… hearing a man state something like that doesn’t remotely make you question the integrity of that man? A man who says something like that is still appealing to you?
    Let me finish my thought before answering… for a woman to even have sex “too soon,” typically, a man has either initiated heavy petting/making out. So, he’s saying that he’s okay with setting up a woman for potential “failure” and then he’s going to judge her for it. Meanwhile, if she “passes” the test, then she’s now “worthy” of a long-term relationship. I have heard men say that they test women in this exact manner and if she “fails” by giving in to his advances, she’s no longer relationship-worthy.
    But yet, you and other women are okay with this?
    One way that I got around all this was to see how the men I was dating handled physical attraction in the first place. With the man I married, he didn’t even try to put me in a situation before exclusivity in which I would have to turn down his advances to “prove” something to him. When we did go back to my house on the first few dates, he sat in a chair and I sat on the couch while we watched TV and talked. Then he would kiss me goodbye and head home. Let’s just say that it was VERY refreshing to not have to be put in a situation in which I was wondering how to say no to his advances AND to not have to wonder if he was a guy with a Madonna/whore complex who was testing me with his advances to make sure I wasn’t a “whore.”
    I think its a lose-lose situation for women in general dealing with these types of men. If a woman is a “whore,” she’s judged. If she’s a “Madonna,” she’s put on a pedestal, but these men usually have been with lots of “whores” beforehand and only later feel that they deserve a “Madonna” to settle down with… and why are the “Madonnas” okay with a man who has compartmentalized them in such a way and who hold a double standard in regards to sexual activity? That it’s okay for men to have sex when they want with whomever they want, while expecting their future girlfriends or wives to have limited sexual experience?
    I’m just saying… I wouldn’t take too kindly to a man who tried to get sex early, but then says he “respects me” because I didn’t give it to him… I don’t see that type of man as one with much integrity…

  3. 93

    @Flower 85
    I am clapping in agreement to SS @74 wrote
    “So why not just avoid the situation altogether by not putting oneself in such a position in the first place?”

    Thanks for the support.  🙂

    I think though that my bigger point was not to hold back for the man’s sake, but for your own. I just think that if a woman wants to avoid the topic of sex or avoid having to make a declaration about waiting, it helps to just leave intense physical activity out of the equation period in the early going.

    I remember on one of my early dates with a guy, he invited me into his house (which made sense because it was close to the restaurant and I met him there anyway). I went inside, but I sat at the opposite end of the couch from him. Now, maybe he got the impression that I wasn’t into him whatsoever, but that wasn’t the case… I just didn’t feel like putting myself in a position where I had to have “the talk” with a guy I barely knew.

    My suggestion was mainly one of self-interest for a woman who wanted to wait for exclusivity before having sex, not really about how the guy might feel.
    @Starthrower68 #96
    Well this is the entire problem is that we don’t keep sex in its proper place.  There is a sense of entitlement out there.  Sex is a wonderful thing but we have this notion as a society now that we’re entitled to a test drive.  Being a responsible adult, Bill, is learning to control our urges.

    I love this. Honestly, when I was dating in my late 20s and early 30s, I sometimes felt like I was regressing to high school health class or to teen church camp when teachers would tell girls that it was okay to say no, and tell boys that they wouldn’t die from “blue balls” or that they needed to just take a cold shower.

    I know I’m being a little extreme with the above example (I didn’t exactly like the “no no no” all the time message from such teachers either), but it’s flat-out ridiculous when I hear 30+ year-old educated men acting like hormone-crazed 15-year-old boys. This sense of entitlement that a lot of men out here have about sex is ridiculous. I mentioned in another post how I had to cut off a man who told me he was in a transition phase in his life (personally and economically) and really couldn’t “date” me properly, but when I came up with other options that simply involved spending time together on a no-pressure basis, he said he was tired of that and ready for sex. And when I said that there would be no sex without exclusivity and commitment, he had the nerve to imply that there was something wrong with ME and that I was a prude/old-fashioned/etc., for the mere offense of deciding I wasn’t going to just have sex with him just because.

    Seriously? We’re in a society where a supposedly mature man feels that he has the right to get angry at a woman he barely knows or question her because she has turned him down for sex? Ridiculous.

  4. 94

    Thank you, Evan, for your words (#80 and #90)

  5. 95

    Not all men have the absurd and frankly silly attitudes towards sex that are being represented here in many people’s perspectives. Some of us have brains, self-control (all of us do, just some men choose to pretend they don’t) and respect other people’s limits.

  6. 96

    Thanks Evan- for the response to Bill!

  7. 97

    @SS-99, You make good points and a man like you describe, the hypocrite who sets a woman up to “fail” while testing her to see if she can control herself, is truly sickening. I wouldn’t like that, but be aware SS, there are a LOT of men out there like that. That line of thinking, Madonna/Whore complex IS a societal more born out of traditional family values that were in place when the country was founded.

    Let’s face it: Men don’t want “loose” women as the mother of their children. There are men out there who can think rationally about the subject and acknowledge the hypocrisy of the double-standard, but the way someone is raised will always be a part of them on some level. So, that same liberal man that was raised in a traditional American family unit might not outwardly judge a woman for sleeping with him on the first date, but in the back of his mind somewhere he might be thinking, “Hmm, I wonder how many men she’s done this with…”

    In the guy’s case that I currently like, and I don’t want to make excuses for him as I did cringe a bit when he made that comment, he was sexually abused as a kid. Both of his older sisters had sex with him and his brother when he was under ten, and I mean straight out intercourse. They would call them in the room, one after the other. So, there are issues there, and I knew that beforehand.

    I also thank Evan for his comments to Bill. But as an aside, I will say that I view oral sex as sex. With me, a man’s not getting NOT getting a blow job on the first date or geting in between my legs-and if he does, I’m telling him to stop.;) I think if a woman does that, the man will discount her for that as well. Of course, because then he’ll be thinking, “I wonder how many men she gives blowjobs to on the first date…”

  8. 98
    Sheba Wheeler

    Bravo Evan! Unfortunately, rather he realizes or not, Bill has given us an example of what some men expect when they go out on a date. And it’s the very reason why Evan has been trying to empower us (meaning women) to stick to our guns and only have sex when we know the man wants us for us and not for just our bodies at the moment.
    Being turned on by someone is a natural response that is often hard to control because of the power of hormones and arousal, etc. That’s why deciding whether to sleep with someone should be a mental response.

  9. 99

    I also have to say to women and men, if you are going around giving your dates oral sex and you are not exclusive yet, and they are having sex with other people, it’s the very SAME thing as having unprotected sex. Whatever they have on their sexual organ or in their mouth will be transferred to YOU.,,

    I don’t want to be a hypocrite, so yeah, I did give the guy I was with a “taste”, as you all know from my previous post, but I didn’t let him finish. Anyway, point being that was still a risk as I don’t know who all he’s sleeping with and we’re not exclusive in any way.

  10. 100

    Margo… oh yeah, I’m sure that there are tons of men who think like that… I’ve encountered plenty. That’s why I find it funny when men think that they’re telling us some deep secret when they share that they judge women for having sex too soon… I’m thinking, “Tell me something I don’t know buddy. I’ve only been hearing that since I started dating!”
    However, I can only speak for myself and say that I didn’t want a “loose” man to be the FATHER of my children either… and a man’s desire not to have a “loose” woman as the mother of his children was just as valid as my desire not to have a player as the father of mine!
    I think women are just as guilty of upholding a double standard by setting a sexual guideline for themselves but then not caring if a man meets that. So if a man reveals through his words that he had a Madonna/whore complex and yet had a very promiscuous sexual history, I was not interested in him.
    P.S.: I personally don’t think of people as loose or whorish, etc., based on the number of sexual partners they have. What other people do with their bodies isn’t my business. I just knew that I was looking for someone who, by his actions, at least gave me the impression that he had some sexual standards as well and didn’t sleep with everything on two legs! When I didn’t have that standard, I often found myself very disgusted with the behavior and words of the men I dated who seemed quite a bit pleased with their very colorful pasts, so I stopped dealing with those guys.

  11. 101

    I thought Bill would have replied to Evan by now. His lack of a response is very telling…Any man who thinks he’s entitled to sex is one who I will steer very clear of. What I want to know is does this type of man think any woman actually needs what is between his legs. They get what they want then they forget the woman’s name and number. Too many men out there to deal with the ugly, entitled scumbags.

  12. 102

    Alright, I’m going to gingerly step into this territory and support both Bill and Evan, but only partially to each. 🙂 I think Evan’s message of a woman waiting until a commitment for sex is right on, but I also think that Bill’s response (though maybe not stated the most eloquently) to Carol’s situation is a common and normal response by a lot of men. I can see where it could look like a “bait and switch.” I do want to stress though to Bill that it wasn’t just Carol who turned up the heat. It takes two to tango and without revealing ALL the details, we will never know who started it, flamed it, etc. A man cannot be “teased” without playing along.
    IMHO, I also take issue with the thought that oral sex isn’t sex. This is the common practice and belief that a lot of today’s young people have. “I blew him real good last night, but we didn’t have sex.” I think it’s on the same level as intercourse, but without attachment; it’s just a different kind of sex.
    While I wouldn’t find myself in Carol’s situation because well, for one, I don’t drink nor invite men to my place nor visit theirs so early on, and I mentally use my boundaries to keep this kind of activity from happening, if I did ever have to work with this, I wouldn’t blurt out the commitment word. I’d say something different to diffuse the situation, and talk at our next date (if there was a next date [LOL]) about how I feel re: commitment before sex.

  13. 103

    Pleasuring someone orally and not calling it sex is pretty much the same as “I didn’t inhale”….

  14. 104

    SS – But these same guys complain later when their Madonna turns out to *surprise* have a low level of attraction to him in particular and/or a much lower sex drive in general. They screen for their own analogues, weed them out, then blame their results on the pool (women don’t like sex much/aren’t that attracted to men) instead of their strategy (refrain from pursuing women who show early evidence of liking sex a lot/being extremely attracted to them due to infidelity fears).

    104 What makes a woman that has sex after three dates with a man she didn’t know before all that different than a woman who has sex after one? To people with “traditional family values*”, there isn’t a dime’s worth of difference, but to these guys there’s a midpoint of acceptable sexual behavior for women that’s in no way sanctioned by the church or dear old mom… too soon, and she’s not getting the call, but if she’s waiting until marriage, she’s not getting the call either.

    *Which defines the conduct of pretty much every single adult woman in today’s America as akin to an abject slattern

  15. 105

    The reason so many men -expect- sex so soon is because women have become sooooo liberated and free sexually speaking that they have sex on date 1, 2, 3 regularly….AND they are the aggressors.

    Many single male friends have told me that they are amazed at the fast and easy sex they get and are offered by women they date. So going slow, having standards, making out a little and stopping makes one look like a freak in comparison.

    I had a man tell me on our 2nd date that he wanted to “F*** my eyes out”…I calmly said, “Does that line usually work for ya?” and I tried to joke it off just to get through the meal. He said, “What’s the big deal? We’re adults.” When I told him that sex wasnt’ going to happen, he asked me, “Don’t you like sex?”, “What’s wrong with you, are you frigid?”….you get the idea.

    Men are getting used to women throwing their legs in the air as an ice-breaker and the one’s that don’t are teases or freaks. Sad.


  16. 106

    Gem is right about some of these aggressive and sexually liberated women. The guy I’m currently interested in has women texting him on his cell phone things like, “Can you come over tonight?” “Can I come over tonight?” “Do you want a quicky”? Of course, he cannot be the only man experiencing this kind of stuff.

  17. 107
    Sheba Wheeler

    I was discussing this topic with a male friend who thought that perhaps men might read Evan’s suggestion about sex only in a committed relationship as “Uh oh. She wants commitment, and if we have sex she’ll feel like we’re engaged. Run away!” Could setting a boundary like this scare someone off who might honestly be interested in you?

  18. 108

    Is “Uh oh. She wants commitment…” what genuine interest sounds like? People have those kinds of thoughts (after dating for a long enough period that sex is deemed imminent, anyway) about people they’re, for lack of a better word, “meh” about. If a woman doesn’t want to sleep with a man who’s mildly interested in hopes that he may become more interested someday, can you fault her, and is she missing out on that much besides the sex? Also, I thought when it came to sexual interaction, open lines of communication were ideal…

  19. 109


    “Could setting a boundary like this scare someone off who might honestly be interested in you?”

    Yes, I think so. She is making out with a guy who’s putting the moves on and, she says, “I also want you badly, but I only sleep with guys that I know I’m in a committed relationship with.”

    If I were a guy I would hear that she’s ready to be exclusive and ready to have sex tonight and waiting for my answer.

    Otherwise she’d have said, “I’m attracted to you but we have to stop. I only have sex when I’m in a commited relationship and it’s too early for that.” 

    That’s a woman in control telling HIM that she knows what she wants (a commitment with someone), doesn’t know if it’s him (cuz it’s too soon),  won’t risk her body (he’s not that cute). Kiss and goodnight. 

    Personally, I think the word “commitment” should come out of a man’s mouth first….when he’s asking for one. In the meantime, there are all kinds of non-verbal ways for a woman to slow down sex if she wants to while SHE flirts with other men on tomorrow.

  20. 110
    Sheba Wheeler

    I’m not sure I understand the difference between these two statements:
    “I also want you badly, but I only sleep with guys that I know I’m in a committed relationship with.”
    “I’m attracted to you but we have to stop. I only have sex when I’m in a committed relationship and it’s too early for that.”
    I ask because this very thing happened to me this week and for the first time, I said, “I want you to know that I am attracted to you and I want you too, but I want us to stop because I want to have sex while in an exclusive relationship.”
    The next day when we talked about it, I told him that I wasn’t trying to push him into a commitment, or cock tease him. That I just personally couldn’t handle casual sexual encounters any longer and wanted to refrain from sex until it could be a valuable experience.
    He said he respected my choice, but hasn’t spoken to me since. I was devastated and starting to feel guilty for not having sex! I felt like I had done something wrong after I had finally done something right! Set a boundary and stuck with it. But now I have to deal with the pain that he’s gone and will likely not come back.
    Was it a good strategy after all? I’m still working on that.

    1. 110.1

      IMO, you did absolutely the right thing. If he ran away after your saying you want sex only with commitment (or, at least, exclusivity), then he did not adequately value you as a person to know that you were worth getting to know on an exclusive basis. Since the only man worth giving BOTH our hearts and our bodies to , is a man who values us as the beautiful person we are, we will not want a man who is not “ready” to be in an exclusive relationship as we both learn more about each other to see if we want to make it a longer-term commitment. So as Eric premises in his article we’re commenting on, if a guy runs in that situation, IMO HE WAS NOT WORTH HAVING, and by sticking to yr boundaries you — as an unintentional side effect of standing up for yr own self-value — set forth a test of this fellow’s “relationship value” (and he failed, and you “dodged a bullet”! 🙂 )

  21. 111

    @ ##114-116 – IMO, what could potentially scare a guy off in this scenario is if he thinks: “Uh-oh, she’s using sex as leverage to get me to commit.” Kind of like in that song “Paradise in the Dashboard Light” that was already mentioned on this thread.

  22. 112

    Speaking for myself, I like the benefit of getting to know the character of, trust and like a man before I sleep with him, no matter how long or short it takes.  I do also take into account his worldview on sexuality, and endeavor to find out as much about that as I can beforehand. But I don’t always stick to that if I feel a connection in the moment. I do prefer that a man does not sleep with others if he wants to sleep with me, because that is not what I would do. I consider it a measure of his character and think that it is greedy and narcissistic behavior.  I can’t say that I “require” this, because, unfortunately, it is very difficult to know for sure if they are sleeping with anyone else, or cruising the dating sites, regardless of what they tell you, or how much you might feel trust.  I can often put two and two together if the man is doing or not doing things that consistently make me feel uncomfortable and just let it fade away or cut it off.  I don’t think it is very useful to wait to have sex until there is a formal commitment.  Too much pressure, and how do I know I want to commit until I know if we have sexual chemistry?  So, there is a marked difference between sexual exclusivity and commitment, but I wonder how men reconcile the difference in their minds?

  23. 113

    @Sheba-117, NO you didn’t do anything wrong. The guy is a scumbag.

  24. 114


    I don’t think you did anything wrong.  If he is gone, it just means that he was more interested in sex than in you.  His interest in sex could very well mean that if you had sex with him, he still would have disappeared  — and then you’d feel 1000 times worse than you do right now.   

  25. 115


    I don’t think you did anything wrong, and do not feel guilty for not having sex!!
    I even believe him when he says he respects your choice…. it’s just that I honestly think that the average man who wants to have sex while he getting to know a woman (and that doesn’t make him a scum-bag necessarily) hears either one of those phrases and thinks, A.) “Oh boy, I’m not going to be having sex for quite some time…” and B.) “Here’s a girl looking for a commitment and if she digs me, she’s going to be pushing for one and I barely know her.” He’s had a timeline for sex just laid out for him and, yes, I think it may scare some men off.

    Those phrases, IMO throw mystery out the window. The latter one, at least, (and I don’t like that one either) is better because the woman is saying she thinks it’s too soon for a commitment while the first choice makes it seem like she’d have sex right then if he agreed to be exclusive. I’d rather the man think he hasn’t passed YOUR tests yet.

    I think most nice guys will wait until a woman is ready for sex but it’s better, IMO, if he doesn’t know EXACTLY when it’s going to happen and what your conditions are. That way, if he meets them, you know it’s not because you gave him the map; it’s because he’s being himself.

    Seriously, what is the point of those phrases? To explain to him that you’re not “that kind of girl” or to let him know that sex ain’t going to be happening for awhile? Why would we imagine that it’s sexy for a man to hear either of those things so soon in dating?

    The way a woman carries herself without words should tell him what he needs to know about how casual you view sex.

  26. 116

    @Gem-116. If it is really early in the dating relationship, I don’t believe any rational-minded man would think the woman was making him pull his pants back up because she wanted him to commit to her right then and there.

    However, if he did think that, he could simply have an adult conversation with her when things cooled down (perhaps the next day), asking her to clarify what she was expecting from him at this point in their dating relationship rather then just bailing.

    It seems to me that some of you are starting to excuse men’s behavior on this topic. Is a man that horney that he can’t wait several dates for sex?? If he has good intentions toward the woman, he’ll wait. If he’s just out to satisfy his libido, he won’t. It’s that simple. So, let’s stop making excuses please ladies.

    I made the guy I’m currently going on dates with stop after he actually got “inside”. He’s still around…So, if things don’t work out with him, it won’t be because of that.

    There is just no reason to make excuses for shady, self-centered behavior. Some of the reasoning that is being exhibited on this thread by women is the exact same reasoning/fear that will convince a woman that she needs to “give it up” to keep a man. Then he gets it too easy, determines she doesn’t respect herself enough, and bails.

    Also, I don’t think it’s so much that using the word “commitment” is off-puting; I believe a woman’s tone makes the difference. If she says it in a nasty, uppity tone, yes, that’s off-puting. I wouldn’t say what Evan said about fearing the guy would end up “looking for women on” the next day. I think that’s a bit harsh. However, I wouldn’t have any problem saying “I only sleep with men when we are dating exclusively/ or in a relationship. There is no need to say committed; being in a relationship implies that.

    1. 116.1

      Dear Margo, I agree w/everything you say except I’d caution that there’s at least one man “out there” (the one I was falling in love with and having sex with early in the relationship–and STILL love but know he’s no good for me for the reason I’m about to give, so just ended the sexual part with him because I was getting hurt just THINKING about how much it would hurt when he began, as he said he wanted to do, to get sexually involved with other women, let alone when he would actually do so) who say “we’re in a relationship” but for them, that does NOT imply exclusivity, as they believe themselves capable of MULTIPLE relationships.

  27. 117

    Thank you everyone for your support. I agree with Kenley and Margo. This was only the second time I had seen this man, so to me, we weren’t anywhere near even dating regularly much less dating exclusively. 

    I am trying to remember Evan’s advice on when to decide to have sex: is the guy doing it because he’s interested in sex or interested in you. Given that, I think he was being more motivated by his libido than any ideas of long term involvement.

    1. 117.1

      Sheba, based on my just-yesterday experience of ending (&the reason for ending– as I describe just-above) the sexual part of a relationship, I would add to Evan’s guideline, as follows.

      If, as is true for many if not most women and certainly for me, we want to be in a loving relationship with only one man who is READY and desires to have a committed relationship with only ONE woman once he finds she who he believes he likely can be long-term happy with and is willing to go forward on an exclusive basis until such time as one or both of them MAY find that the other does NOT sufficiently delight and meet each other’s needs,

      Then the question I’ll want to ask myself to avoid a whole lot of heart pain/sadness, is: when deciding whether to have sex: is the guy doing it because he’s interested in sex or interested in you, AND has he demonstrated that interest in the whole-person by acts of kindness, AND (most of all) has he truthfully (as best as I can determine) come to a state of maturity in which he recognizes that being in an evolving relationship with one good woman — rather than indefinitely sampling a range of partners — is what he (as I do) wants.

  28. 118


    I believe in showing men rather than telling them as much as possible, that’s all. Expecially in the embryonic stages of a relationship.

    I think it’s more effective and has nothing to do with making excuses for men.

  29. 119

    @ Margo #123,

    I do agree with you about not excusing the bad behavior of men (not all, just the ones who behave badly).  Since we can’t change it, we have to learn to successfully navigate it.  So, when a guy bails because he didn’t get sex, it is as Evan says: he’s done you a favor.  He’s revealed you sooner rather than later that it’s about sex, not you. 

  30. 120

    So after this she found the right man?  Otherwise, IS this a good story?

    Those words just sound negative, if she’d smiled and purred, “So would this mean you’re my boyfriend? I bet you’re an excellent boyfriend.” there may have been a different outcome.  That one works every time. 😉

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