13 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked to divorced women who told me that everything was great with her ex…until she got married. Turns out that it wasn’t “marriage” that was the problem; it was that she didn’t really get to discover whether she was compatible with her husband until AFTER they tied the knot. Join me for this New York Times-inspired Love U Podcast on what you MUST figure out about your boyfriend before he becomes your husband.
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These are good questions. What I find interesting is how few people could answer them honestly. No, I’m not mistrustful; I don’t think most folks mean to lie. However, through the years, I have observed many people’s astounding blind spots. Claiming that their parents have a loving, healthy relationship when every time you’re at their house, mom is drunk and dad is muttering obscenities while slamming kitchen cupboards. Agreeing that some day they’d happily sign a pre-nup but then when the time comes, sobbing bc it’s so mean that a successful fiance wouldn’t want to be more generous. Insisting that they’d never want any money from the spouse but then asking him/her to invest a large sum in their latest get-rich scheme, insisting that it’s different bc, “it’s to help us and our family!” No doubt, I have my own blind spots, too.
By all means, discuss these issues and discuss them often. But try to not be too disappointed if there is a disconnect between what they say and how they actually behave if push comes to shove.
So true. This reminded me. My ex was from a “good jewish family” with all the right values and such whatever that means I guess, his parents were married till death did them part, etc. and to the outside they projected this idyllic image of a perfect marriage. Once when we were still dating, i remember spending a weekend in their country house. The mom was not feeling well that day. She had already began developing a terminal illness that would kill her in 2 years but we didn’t know it at the time. So here’s this old lady, complaining that she is not feeling well, and the Dad plops himself down on a couch in front of the TV and says “[name], would you make me a sandwich?”. And she got up and made him a sandwich. I was floored to say the least. Of course, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that my ex-s “family values” ended up being about how he should be catered to by his “good wife”. Now, my family is very different. My parents lead complicated lives and didn’t have a cookie-cutter romance and marriage. But my dad would sooner die than make his sick wife get up and serve him a meal. The moral of this story i guess is that self-reported values should be questioned heavily, and first-hand observations not discounted lightly (like i did in my case).
I love the part about the love languages, so many of us do not use all the languages.
This is absolutely great; I kinda’ ‘follow’ you Evan for some time now and I have to admit that your wonderful work is a great surprise every time I read or listen to you. I’ve learned things, found out new perspectives…. about these 13 questions, many of them are on my before :)) list, but for some I didn’t thought they’re major important – Big thank you!
Thanks Evan for sharing these 13 powerful things to ask before marriage .We have been dating for nearly a year now and he wants for us to get married in December bu my pastor says that i should get to know him some more before marriage .It was an eye opener for me as i am planning to get married sometime next year .I will be discussing these item by item with my fiancee.
1 How to handle Conflict ?
How does he handle conflict.We both have the tendency to shout at each other whenever there is a disagreement and since lately he would hang up the phone just to avoid the tension . When i told him that i do not like it he said but you do it as well. I am presently working on it by speaking in a low voice as the bible states in Proverbs that a soft answer turneth away wrath but grievous words stir up anger.
2.Will we have any children ?
We discuss having children .I told him at my age 47 based on the condition of my womb it is a possibility that i will not have a child for him he said no problem as he does not want anymore children as he has a 4 year old son and we could raise him together .Lets hope he does not change his mind as he is much younger than me ..He is 26 and i am 47 years old ..
3.Handling Baggage. He told me that he has a wealth of experience with other ladies before me as he was the lady’s man.His child mother who happen to be his Ex is giving him a warm time as she does not want him to see his son nor to call him any at all .He is a contractor by profession and at times there is no work available but when ever he is working he supports his son by sending her maintenance money .Since she is not working and pregnant for another man it seems as if she is living off this money .I encourage him to support his child and one day when it is right she will be alb to relinquish his son to him.
4.Religion
Thanks God he is now a Christian and we attend the same church .We are moving in one accord.in that regard .In recent times due to job commencements and the distance from the church he has not been coming to church regularly .I feel very strong about my religion and i told him that i will not want to consider a relationship with him if he is not saved as i want us to be on the same page..
5 How does he spend money ?
I notice that he loves brand name s in clothes ,shoes-Puma ,underwear Hanes ,Shirts and even belts. I told him that brand name will cost more money .He is a construction worker and whenever he gets a job he would give me money from time to time.send money to his child’s mother and to give his aunt money towards the bills and food where he now lives. He always wants to purchase fast food and i told him that he has to stop doing so as it is not healthy to do so and besides he has to save some money ..
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@Diane – good for you for slowing down and taking time before you! Good for your Pastor for advising the same. Many of the issues you ponder will become more clear over time; there’s no need to rush to the altar (especially since you’re not going to have children together).