4 Signs You’re Wasting Your Time On The Wrong Man

You’ve been in a relationship where you felt off-balance before. Your feelings for him were strong but the longer your relationship went, the more anxious you felt. Chances are, you fell into one of these 4 traps. Check out this Love U Podcast to learn what NOT to do the next time you fall for a new guy.

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  1. 21
    Emily, to

    ” It would involve sitting down with the person, explaining the background, and being as kind as possible if it is a potential relationship breaker. Kindness and consideration are the keys.”
    Yeah, but there are things you can ask of someone that they won’t be able to forgive, no matter how sensitively you ask.

    Hi there. I’m ok. How are you? Tbh, this has been a really crappy year. I’m looking forward to it being over.
    “But that’s an extreme example. What are you thinking of?”
    I was thinking of a couple of letters to different advice columnists I’ve read about the husband or wife in a long-term married couple discovering that he/she is bisexual and asking the spouse to be able to explore that part of their personality (the implication being that the spouse has already explored their straight side in the marriage but, if they stayed married and monogamous, would never in their lives get to explore their bisexual side). But it could be anything. I had a friend whose husband was interested in swinging, but she had no interest. Now, he was ok with not doing it and she was ok with knowing he wanted to do it. Didn’t cause problems in the marriage. Also, have you taken the enneagram quiz?

  2. 22

    That was meant for Emily to

  3. 23

    Jo, it was interesting to read your position that when it comes to sensitive topics, the way the question/information is presented is of paramount importance. I’m not sure I agree. Or rather, I’m not sure which people I’d agree it applies to, versus which people I think it doesn’t.

    My experience, for whatever it’s worth, is that presentation and context tend to matter more to more women compared to men. I’ll use myself as an example – to me, the way a topic is presented matters nothing at all. I hear the content. The context is fluff. The presentation is fluff. The niceties are fluff and manipulation, intended or unintended as such.

    I’m trying to consider how generalisable this is to gender. I wonder how love languages impacts this – whether words people care more about the words. I just don’t know. I wonder.

    It’s funny – my father-in-law is really into context and presentation. Whenever he discovers that I’ve been to a restaurant, his first question is always “How was the presentation?” How was the service, how was the atmosphere, how was the decor? Which is so contrary to my first question when the tables are turned – “How was the food?”

  4. 24

    Which enneagram quiz, Emily? The personality one?

    I think that if a question is burning a hole in one’s mind, one should ask. Since such a situation, the consequences of not asking might be at least as harmful to the relationship as the consequences of asking. My comment was really more about a situation where the partner really should know better. For example, when money is tight and one spouse is stressed over it, asking for something very expensive and very optional. Likely to stress out the partner, likely to make the partner feel like a failure for not being able to better provide it. The notion that “it doesn’t hurt to ask” just isn’t true. The person who says no may well be hurt to say so. The person who says yes might be hurt to say so.

    Sorry to hear that it’s been a difficult year. Been one for us too. Kids just went back to school after 7 month hiatus. Not sure how long it will be before it closes again. We’ll see.

  5. 25

    Emily, that is probably true! Funnily, all such questions seem to revolve around sex. 😉 But IRL, the questions that have required sensitivity in LTRs are a lot broader than that. They include finances even when the couple has separate accounts, of who pays for what when they live or travel together, or issues of family members not treating the partner well, or vice versa, or dealing with a partner’s kids or exes. Relationships are one big lesson, in real time, on sensitivity training. I guess that is a good thing. If only we were all equally diligent in trying to learn it.

  6. 26
    Emily, to

    Hi Jeremy,
    “Which enneagram quiz, Emily? The personality one?”
    Yes. I don’t know how you feel about those quizzes, but they can, imo, provide insight. I’m a 4, and when I read the description, a lot made sense.

    Well, I’m not sure where all the other long-term posters went. Kind of feels like we all turned about 28 and everyone fell off the planet because they got married. Nobody is hanging out at the club anymore. 🙂

  7. 27
    Emily, to

    “Emily, that is probably true! Funnily, all such questions seem to revolve around sex.”
    “But IRL, the questions that have required sensitivity in LTRs are a lot broader than that. They include finances even when the couple has separate accounts …If only we were all equally diligent in trying to learn it.”
    Ok. Gotcha. What happens if someone doesn’t like your her/his partner’s kids? Or the partner has partial custody but then gets full custody? Or a parent has to move in? Could be anything.

  8. 28

    Jeremy, while I understand what you’re getting at (content vs. style), I do think it is wise to be careful not only how we deliver our messages, but also to observe how others do to us and other people. For example, at my workplace, it is very clear that how some people communicate indicates how much respect they have for different people. The address, the level of deference, the sign-off: you pick up on how much you matter to a co-worker and whether you can trust them, and where you fit on the pecking order of their attention, time, and respect. You gain a world of information this way that would be foolish to disregard in favour of only content. It’s a survival skill, to learn how to read people.

    And in relationships: if someone takes care to couch potentially harsh messages in kind wording, that says something about them as a human being. It indicates a level of empathy that I believe is crucial for healthy relationships. I would not want to be with someone who did not care how the manner of their delivery affected me, and likewise would not be careless in that way to those I love.

    Restaurants – now that’s another matter. Like you, I don’t care as much about the ambiance as about the food, but of course it matters that there are no unpleasant odours or excessive noise or crowding, etc.

  9. 29

    I agree with this, Jo. My point was not to say otherwise, but rather to approach it from the other angle. Not to say that one should not take care to be respectful, but rather to say that one should not necessarily think that couching a difficult message in flowery language will necessarily make any difference. The message is the message. Depending on the message and in the person to whom its delivered. Deliver it with care, with empathy, yes, but realize that it’s the message that matters more than the delivery, depending on the person. And, I’d posit, more so for men.

  10. 30

    Ah Jeremy, if we must make this about gender… 🙂 IME, women are expected to be more ‘sensitive’ in how we couch our messages, not just to other women, but also to men. Men are more accustomed to hearing bluntness and lack of refining from other men, but some get defensive if a woman communicates with them in the same way. Women are expected to be soft. Those who are not consistently so, who speak more in that blunt male style, are permanently branded as difficult or bitchy, regardless of whether they really are. So most of the time (you might not believe it given how I comment on here!), I go the soft route IRL, and everyone thinks I’m so nice, but I recognise the inequality of it and am not entirely comfortable with it.

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