4 Ways to Make Your Own Luck in Love

 

You may feel like a victim of love. Bad guys. Bad timing. Bad choices. Fair enough. But even if it’s all true, you can’t let the past dictate your future. If you want to find lasting love, you have to do something different. Here are 4 ways you can start today.


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Comments:

  1. 1
    Adrian

    Boy oh boy, I was just thinking the same thing about the comments sections. Evan I don’t know how you do it.

    …         …         …

    My biggest issue with the whole let god or the universe send me someone philosophy is that mindset encourages people not to work on themselves. You are a perfect catch,  just wait for the right person to see that, this is the take me as I am, love me for me- mentality.

    …   …   …

    Yes, many people see others who are great at dating, and when they ask what that person does “if” the advice goes against their personal beliefs (for example writing a guy first online or paying her way for the first few dates) then they don’t do it.

     

    This is why we focus on attractive people. It is easier to say that he or she is more successful because of something they did not have to work for. Or the rich guy, because he has an unfair advantage.

     

    I see average looking (and body) men and women with happy relationships everyday, but no one talks about them, because to do so, is to admit that we have to put in work to get the happy ending.

    1. 1.1
      KK

      Lol’ed at the first part of your comment, Adrian… If you comment long enough and often enough, you will eventually encounter a little (or a lot of) snark.😀 Not to fret though, I think everyone on here loves ya.

      To your point though, I agree with you. I think for a lot of us, dating was so easy when we were younger because everyone we socialized with was close in age and single. Past a certain age, it’s much harder to find single people to socialize with and that’s why online dating is a great way to meet people. It just takes a change in perception, because what came so easily at 22, isn’t as easy at 32 or 42, for the sheer lack of opportunity of being in close proximity to other singles.

    2. 1.2
      GoWiththeFlow

      Adrian,

      Combining your first and lsst points, I love the disertations on missapplied evo psych theories of relstive SMVs that get posted in the comments.  I’m tempted to post photos of my short, chubby, graying, plain Jane/Joe friends who are happily coupled up in response.  I think Evan’s key advice to find the men or women who want you is key.  If you are experiencing radio silence onlinr, it’s probably because you are seeking in a mate what you cannot give:  Gorgeous, rich, and without baggage.

       

  2. 2
    Malika

    Actually the comments section here have sometimes given me lightbulb moments. I get that some of it may be quite negative ( I can’t say I was Positive Polly when I first started checking your site after a horrible romantic meltdown) but your readers can be exceptionally lucid and nuanced, offering well-balanced commentary on the downright mystifying rituals of dating. They have helped me in the past year nearly as much as your content So it’s not all doom and gloom!

    Point two is a good one. I have a few friends who effortlessly charm the opposite sex. One guy friend is very attractive, but i realized a while ago that that wasn’t what was making all the women go for him. it’s the fact that he establishes eye contact with everyone surrounding him and shows a real interest in them. It sounds really basic, but it’s suprising how many people can’t be bothered with this basic form of interaction. I decided to try out his method, and lo and behold, it worked. I now feel ten times more attractive, just by mimicing this effective strategy.  Another friend is very good at giving sincere compliments and making people feel appreciated. I realized that she quite often said what i kept to myself. Once again, when i break out of my shell ( I am way too skilled at keeping my thoughts to myself), i realize that people start to warm towards me.

    You can make your own luck, but you do have to break out of your daily rituals. That can be a very scary thing for some people, but it sure does help.

    1. 2.1
      Christine

      That’s very true and a great attitude to have.  I’m like that too, in keeping my thoughts to myself. It initially drove my guy nuts and it bothered him when he sensed I was withholding things from him.  He told me that he’s the person I should feel the most “safe” communicating honestly with.  Our relationship has gotten much better when I’ve been more forthcoming about my feelings and opinions, and not held back so much.  So breaking out of that shell isn’t just critical for initially attracting a partner, but in maintaining a healthy relationship once you get one.  Do as I say and not as I did–let the world know what you have to say!

       

       

      1. 2.1.1
        Malika

        That sounds like a great development, Christine. And how wonderful to have a boyfriend who wants to know more about your opinions and thoughts and encourages you to become more outgoing!

  3. 3
    Tracy

    Evan,
    The crux of this advice is “Put in effort, try new things, take risks.” There’s nothing wrong with this advice, but so many of us are already doing it. I have bought all of your products, including Love U. I make it a rule to go on one prescreened online date per week. I make it a policy to get out of the house 4 nights a week. I attend networking events, after work drinks with coworkers, lectures, classes, and college alumni events. I take small risks with people I find attractive and try to strike up conversations. I go speed dating. I’ve paid for a membership with a matchmaker.
    Something you said in Love U is, “You know what to do, you’re just not doing it.” You’ve also said you don’t like to label things right or wrong, just ineffective. Well I’ve got to tell you, I’m trying, I really am, and I am quite simply exhausted. At this point, I don’t believe I’m single because my methods are ineffective or because I’m not trying hard enough. I’m not single because I’m difficult or don’t allow men to be themselves. I’m not single because I lack feminine energy or because I’m too picky. I have not always been single, but I am single at this time in my life, and I think quite simply it’s because I haven’t had the good fortune to meet the right person.
    I’m not blaming you or myself. I’m not blaming online dating or men. The reality is that far too many women are single in the United States for far longer than they’d like to be, and this has more to do with changing demographics than anything else. I truly don’t believe my happily married female friends and colleagues have a magic formula that’s different than my own. The deep emotional pain that comes with starting and ending your days alone, when what you what the most is a loving partnership, really can cut you to the core. I’d love to hear you talk more about that.
     
    I’m not giving up. Giving up would mean even worse pain, and I can’t do that. But I think I speak for a large portion of your readership when I say we are doing all we can. I’ve paid enough money for coaching and self-help books, and I’m so tired of hearing about everything I need to change. A blog about everything we’re doing right would be refreshing, and quite frankly, welcome.

    1. 3.1
      Adrian

      Hi Tracy,

       

      I want you to know that you are not alone; and as both KK and Malika said, reading the stories in the comments on this site shows that. There is a lot of uplifting inspiration to be had from knowing others have been where you are and succeeded.

      …   …   …

      You did not mention your looks or your weight (nor should you have to), so assuming that you are at least average in each category, then I would say you are right, luck does play a part in dating success.

       

      Because if you are putting that much work into it and not getting any results, I would have to conclude the problem is one of two things.

       

      1. You are not attractive to the type of men you desire

      2. You are too picky

      ….   …   …

      You said you paid for a matchmaker, how did that go? I thought they are suppose to guarantee you so many dates?

       

      You mentioned that you go on at least one new date a week, strike up conversations with new guys, and speed date; what are the main reasons why none of them have ever become your boyfriend?

      …         …        …

      Tracy, I hope this comment comes off the right way.

       

      I am not asking to be judgemental or trying to pry, I am just asking so that with clarification, someone can answer your concerns better.

    2. 3.2
      Nissa

      In absolute sincerity,  if men are not approaching you, perhaps it’s your appearance. For example, Melissa Maccarthy and Adele are  beautiful, rich, and funny, but I’d bet that they have few men who approach them based on size alone. Similarly, Kristin Stewart or Paris Hilton are not the prettiest girls, but is slim and stylish, and probably get approached all the time.

      If all of the above is true, that tells me it’s either your appearance (including size, makeup, clothes and general stylishness) or something about your personality that people find so off putting they can’t bear to tell you. I know one women who is eaten up with anxiety and it’s very off putting, but no one has been able to say it to her face because 1) they don’t want to be rude and 2) she would likely spend 20 minutes defending her behavior, instead of considering the possibility that it’s meant as constructive criticism. I know many people who have no idea that they complain all the time. They truly don’t know they are making themselves unappealing.

      I’m making a generalization, but what I have heard from men of all ages, is that not fit is not attractive. Period. If they find you hot, they will approach. If they aren’t approaching, that’s usually why. If men are approaching you but not asking you out, you may need help in making your conversation more fun or an objective assessment of what you are not seeing in your own behavior.

       

      1. 3.2.1
        Adrian

        Ahhh! Personality! I can’t believe I forgot that one.

         

        Thanks Nissa.

         

        I knew there was a 3rd reason

        1. Nissa

          I hope that came off as helpful and not snarky. It’s just that…well, a lot of us aren’t objective about our own flaws. And most of the time, if it’s not a personality issue, friends will flat out tell you.

          After my divorce, I had friends say, ‘oh, you just need a makeover, some makeup and sexier clothes’. Which did not make me feel so great, lol. But they were right, because I was dressing…like a married person. And some of them said, ‘you are kind of insecure around men’. Also right. So from my perspective, if no one is offering that kind of info, it’s something that makes them uncomfortable enough to zip their lip about it.

          Last, when I did date…I had forgotten how to talk. Somehow I always ended up making it…serious and profound. I’d forgotten how to flirt, be playful and have fun (and, uh, may not have known how to before I got married. But I got great help from Have Him at Hello for identifying my issues, and learned to practice the Buddhist habit of disengaging from the outcome. It helps!

      2. 3.2.2
        Stacy2

        I second this, like I said before, a woman who is not attracting any men should look in the mirrow.

        We don’t know Tracy and sometimes it is just bad luck or a “slow month” or whatever. But I know I have girlfriends who are struggling the same way she described, and I firmly believe that this is because of their looks. But it is hard to give such advice in real life. I have to constantly bite my tongue to not tell them to re-do their hair or get a nose job for example because I don’t want to offend them.

      3. 3.2.3
        Ruby

        Do you honestly believe that all married/coupled women are fit, slender, confident and stylish?

        1. Nissa

          Those are the women that get approached the most. Essentially, the closer a women gets to those parameters, the more approaches she will garner; the fewer of those characteristics, the fewer approaches she will receive. Sometimes men approach based on the appearance of one of the above, then shortly discover it’s not representative of the regular behavior of that person (ie, someone else dressed you, you have to drink to be confident, you are slender due to age but have terrible eating habits).

          There’s a whole spectrum of the coupled/married. Some women approach men. Some women are fit & stylish, then get married and become less so. Some women accept the men that approach  in a  situation where there’s an expectation that it’s a one-off, not a relationship (therefore dropping partner requirements to gender, active pulse, current availability). Some men approach women without those qualities because of the expectation that those women may have more relaxed standards for the relationship.

           

        2. Karmic Equation

          Most were when they got married. They got fat/unfit afterwards. Men do too 🙂

          The fact is, as much as we don’t like it, fit people have more options.

      4. 3.2.4
        Ruby

        I like how you assume that single women are “less than”, that they must have something wrong with them, or be fat. Very judgemental.

        1. Nissa

           
          No one said that single women are ‘less than’ in value. I will say that women who are single, but who don’t want to be single; who are consistently engaged in behavior that reaps dates for others (online dating, friends of friends, meetups, bars) but are not reaping dates, are most likely not aware of or not being objective about that particular cause and effect. Or perhaps they are not willing to do the actions that would resolve that issue. Most people, men and women, find it easier to take the path of least resistance instead of facing humbling truths about themselves.
          Of course someone can have value independent of weight and whatever happens to be wrong with them (because all of us have flaws).  But since in general it is men that initiate dates, and they do so primarily on visual information (unless informed by a trusted party), that would be the factor that initially holds the most importance. If a woman is often approached but men fail to continue asking them for dates, only then can behavior be considered a more significant factor.   
           

    3. 3.3
      Theo

      Tracy,

      I have a comment that is partly based on my own dating experience, partly on observing that of friends and people around me. My comment might be a dating advice for some people, possibly to you, Tracy. It seems to me that some people (men as well as women) are not very attractive in general but are much more appealing to the opposite sex in a specific social or professional context. Let me take myself as an example. When I was 22-26, I went to night clubs and bars to meet women, as was common in the 80’s and 90’s. However,  I was not at all successful: only rarely I would talk to a woman and exchange phone numbers, etc.; and if I had some contact with a woman she would turn out to be completely wrong for me after a few dates. A few years later, when I moved to a bigger city and started my career as a university assistant professor, my love life improved substantially. At the university I dated a few women who were researchers. I felt stronger intellectual connections as well as physical chemistry than I had ever experienced before. I eventually met my ex-wife this way. My personal conclusion is that I (and probably other people too) should search for love not in arbitrary places but in the specific ones where I am confident and experienced.

      1. 3.3.1
        Caroline

        Great point Theo.  Stands to reason that you would be yourself in familiar surroundings engaging people of like characteristics:)

        I’d also like to add, in my personal experience, I was totally clueless to how unapproachable I had become. I found out for myself while trying on clothes that I had a “resting b*tch face”!! I was relaxed and happy yet I caught a glimpse of just an awful scowl.

        When I first divorced; I was fortunate to have a great friend going through the same turmoil in her life. I “profited” from her gorgeous smile, unabashedly flirty style and gorgeous exotic looks. We kiddingly, called our nights out together meeting men our “divorce tour”! Ha. I learned much from her and was more than happy to scoop up the guys she left behind in her dust! You gotta start somewhere and I was honestly pretty painfully shy around when I was attracted to. The best thing I learned was to engage everyone; don’t hold out all night in the guy you’re wanting to meet. Turns out you’re missing out on not only fun social interaction but you might just be surprised by someone you weren’t initially interested in:)

         

        1. KK

          Hi Caroline,

          I sure wish I had had a friend who was going through her divorce the same time I was. The “divorce tour” sounds like it was fun. 😀

    4. 3.4
      Christine

      Tracy, you’re far from alone.  I was in your position for a long time and really do know how you feel.  I have to admit that half of my relationship came from luck/timing–I’m sorry to say I don’t have some magical formula that helped conjure him up (or else I would have used it a long time ago…and then would be giving it to you now).  My guy was involved with someone else so really wasn’t available before I saw him online.  The other half of it was getting smarter about the choices I made, and recognizing a good thing when I saw it.

      What kept me going was just reminding myself that my yesterdays don’t dictate my tomorrows.  You also never know when your perfect match is breaking up with someone else and will become available (as was the case with me), or about to move to your city, or what have you.

      Look at Evan’s story, and how he met his wife just a few months after the worst dating month of his life (mine is similar.  My relationship came off the heels of one of the worst romantic experiences I ever had).  Tomorrow really can bring better things to you.

      You’re doing a lot right in just not giving up, and keeping yourself open to the possibility for love.  I know so many single friends who really have given up,and that makes me sad for them.  You’re doing everything right by keeping yourself going and that work will pay off!

      1. 3.5.1
        Adrian

        Hi Karmic Equation,

         

        1st & 3rd Link: What is your opinion on why most relationship books and literature for women avoid those subjects?

         

        I have an opinion, but I would be interested in hearing a woman’s interpretation.

         

        Most men’s dating/relationship literature gets around this by promoting the myth that women don’t care about looks, so men only have to focus on their success and their charisma.

        …   …   …

        Also, I acknowledge that every woman will quickly say that the pressure on women is to look a certain way and be a certain weight according to hollywood, or course I think these same pressures are on men as well, but my question was focusing on actual published dating advice.

        1. Karmic Equation

          Hi Adrian,

          I’m pretty sure I’m not going to win the any PC contests with my answer to your questions. But I’ll answer anyways.

          “1st & 3rd Link: What is your opinion on why most relationship books and literature for women avoid those subjects?”

          Let’s assume that most women who buy this type of literature are in the 5 and below category. Not saying that is the demographic, but just making this assumption for the sake of the argument.

          There’s only so much a “3” can do to be more attractive. The magazines know it and the 3 probably knows it. So the magazine sells more mags by glossing over the fact that, absent plastic surgery, you may never reach “attractive” never mind the cute or sexy level. Instead the magazines tell women if they change their behavior, and do this or that, or stand on their heads while giving a hand job, that’ll surely win the guy! Because we can all try to become acrobats, but we can’t all be attractive.

          And then of course, the people who write those self-help articles don’t need to validate their examples. Under a deadline? Just make something up that sounds plausible! Easier to write something about changing a behavior because you don’t have to validate with photographs, right?

          “Most men’s dating/relationship literature gets around this by promoting the myth that women don’t care about looks, so men only have to focus on their success and their charisma.”

          For men, it’s kind of easy.

          The good looking and/or confident guys aren’t buying the magazines. Only the not-so-good looking or less-than-confident ones are. So the magazines cater to them.

          For the less-than-confident, but good looking, men, these men will find some measure of success once they become (or fake) confidence.

          For the not-so-good-looking men, telling them that women don’t care about looks makes them feel better, though, in the modern world, where women can outearn men, a man’s looks matter just as much to a woman as a woman’s looks to a man.

          But the men’s mags are truer. Success or money is an equalizer for ugly men. There is no such equalizer for ugly women because men care less about a woman’s success or her money.

          It is true that men care how a woman behaves, but she has to pass his eye test before she’s given chance.

          I personally think that the women’s mags do a disservice to women because too many articles imply that if she does X-Y-Z in bed, she’ll keep her guy.

          Sure, men want adventurous sex, but if the woman’s a nag, a b*tch, too insecure, he’s not going to treat her well if he has options. Adventurous sex does not KEEP a guy in a relationship if the relationship is bad. It just keeps you on his booty call list. And sometimes the woman doesn’t realize that she’s a booty call, not the main squeeze. But hey, she can do headstands while giving him a bj, so she’s a catch!

          Such bad advice to women.

          The Rules Revisited site is great. Honest. No holding punches. But gives really sound advice to women that she can actually achieve that is based on the POV of a man who sincerely wants to help women. Not because he’s trying to meet a publishing deadline. IMO anyways.

        2. Adrian

          Hi Karmic Equation,

           

          I 100% agree with your analysis. Both genders do this (hope is the biggest aid to con-men); it is more profitable to tell people they can make “anyone” attractive want them regardless of their own personal looks with a few techniques, than it is to tell a person “hey, your are a 3 so most men/wome above 5 will not want to date you.”

          …   …   …

           

          But Karmic Equation doesn’t this statement by you:

           

          in the modern world, where women can outearn men, a man’s looks matter just as much to a woman as a woman’s looks to a man.

           

          Contradict this statement by you:

           

          Success or money is an equalizer for ugly men.

           

          I just can’t picture a woman seeing a man she considers unattractive and still dating him or feeling attraction for him just because he is successful.

           

          The Discovery Channel (back when they were still about science and not reality television) did a documentary on the science of attraction.

           

          The researchers took a guy who was rated a 9 by women in the 1st test group and went to a different test group of women but said that he was a sales clerk at an electronics store making about $20,000 a year. He went from a 9 to 5.

           

          So I know what you and science says, but it just doesn’t make sense logically. Besides, aren’t you the one always saying that a person has to at least be attractive enough for you to see yourself kissing? A rich frog is still a frog.

           

        3. Karmic Equation

          Hi Adrian,

          Yeah, I understand why men wouldn’t understand that 🙂 Just like I understand why women don’t understand that sex does NOT equal love/relationship for a man.

          And I know of the Discovery channel show you’re talking about. That was fascinating.

          The easiest way to explain it is that for women, sex is more mental than visual. That’s why women like romance novels (lots of words, not pictures) and why men like girly mags (lots of pictures, not words). So, if a man has confidence, which can be conveyed by the way he carries himself and how he speaks; or if he has money, usually can be ascertained by how he dresses and accessorizes; or has status, e.g., usually a celebrity or politician; this turns on women “mentally” and she can overlook his looks (examples: Mick Jagger, Jay Z, Billy Joel) — If any of those guys were NOT celebrities, they wouldn’t have the success they had with gorgeous women.

          Men’s sexual stimulation is not mental. Their love is though.

          So once a man truly loves a woman (but again she has to first pass his eye test to get that chance to be loved) — and she makes him feel loved in return — even if she gains a few pounds or even if she were disfigured by burns — he won’t leave her for someone else. Women who truly love their men do the same (think veterans who lost limbs in wars).

          But the love has to exist BEFORE he/she gets fat or disfigured.

          Of course, not everyone can cope with disfigurement. But most can cope with their partners getting old, gray, and fat, as long as they were once gorgeous to each other and they continue to make each other feel valued as they age.

        4. Christine

          [O]nce a man truly loves a woman…and she makes him feel loved in return — even if she gains a few pounds or even if she were disfigured by burns — he won’t leave her for someone else

          Karmic, go tell this to my mother.  She’s afraid my guy will leave me because I’ve gained a few pounds to go from a size 2 to a size 4, LOL!  But, I sense he’s not really going anywhere even at my “fat” size.  If anything, he says it’s nonsense and tells me not to listen to a word of that.  Just one of many reasons I love him. 🙂

        5. Karmic Equation

          @Christine,

          Tell your mom, size 2 is too skinny. Size 4 is perfect. LOL

          I’m always at my thinnest when I’m single (cuz I have the time to hit the gym and the choice to eat at expensive places that serve awesome salads. When I’m relationships, the guys I date would rather go to the Outback or other franchises, where the salads aren’t as inventive or delicious).

          I had gained about 20lbs after a few years with a a bf, and I needed some reassurance one day. And dared to ask him, “Am I getting too fat?” — His answer was absolutely awesome, but such a lie. LOL. “Nope. You’re perfect!” And he punctuated that statement with a big hug and kiss. I really loved that guy. He knew when I needed to be lied to. lol

    5. 3.6
      Malika

      Hi Tracy,

      A lot of people here have commented on your reaction and have made some suggestions here that could be very helpful. As we don’t know you, we don’t know whether any of these suggestions will help, but i hope something here gives you a breakthrough aha moment.

      I understand your pain. It is dispiriting to see other people paired up and that you still have to make an effort to meet men and go through the time-zapping process of dating. If a date isn’t what you had hoped for, it can be quite frustrating to think of all the other things you could have done with your precious free time. I spent last monday  (a bank holiday in my country) traveling to another city in order to meet a man who turned out to be anything but the kind of person I would want to date. Even though i kept it as short as politely possible, it was basically the large part of my holiday gone.  Do i wish i’d spent that monday biking through the forest, reading or having a laugh with my friends? Absolutely. But hey, at least I invested my time meeting someone who on paper had potential. Better than not putting the effort in at all.

      It’s a cliche, but you never know what is around the corner. For some of us, it takes more effort to meet someone. That’s just the way it is. But we will be very happy once we meet that special someone, and will be glad we put the effort in. Itś hard to believe now, but just look at how happy Evan is, 300 dates later. His advice hasn’t brought me a relationship yet, but it has given me peace with my turbulent past, a mirror that made me realize the ways i was letting in the wrong men, better ways of handling myself on a date and most of all hope that  one day the right man is going to come along and I will recognize him. It might be difficult to see all the ways self help (Evan’s and otherwise) has made you grow, but maybe it would help to sit down with pen and paper (or laptop) and list all of the great changes you have made in your life because of it. I am sure you have reaped dividends on developing yourself, even if it hasn’t brought you the man you have hoped for, as of yet.

      And i don’t think we are better or worse off than our friends who are coupled up. Yes, we can feel lonely and frustrated at times. But some of my friends who are coupled up have the same moments of frustration as us, just in different areas. One friend of mine loves his girlfriend dearly but is in absolute chemistry induced infatuation with someone else. Another has in laws that give her so many headaches, she sometimes wonders whether it is worth it, having to deal with their drama. Yet another moved countries to be with her beloved, and misses her friends and family on a daily basis. We all have moments where we struggle and feel dispirited, and we all have to work our way through those moments.

    6. 3.7
      Arya

      The commenters have given some good advice, but you do all realize that you’ve just done the exact thing that Tracy was asking you not to? Well-meaning I’m sure, there was no meanness in the comments, but they were all still accusations; maybe you’re just fat ( do you honestly think anyone doesn’t know that they’re fat or unattractive or whatever and hasn’t considered that issue?) or unapproachable or anxious or picky or something just ‘not enough’. Sometimes we just need to vent and the sores our frustrations and be sympathized with.

       

      Tracy,

      I understsnd and you completely. And I feel your frustration. It’s HARD to wonder “why not me?” when you’re trying so hard. I know many of my faults and the things keeping me single at 36, but I don’t think it tells the whole story.  There are people less attractive in all ways than me that are happily coupled. Im trust in you that you’re doing everything in your power to find what you’re looking for. I believe that we must always try to improve ourselves and take lessons from our past relationships. But sometimes it just doesn’t happen, or it takes a very long time. Most things in life involve an element of luck. There are so many things that must happen to get the right person (well, A right person, I’m not a ‘soul mate’ believer) in the right place at the right time and in the right mindset to meet and connect. I can’t give any advice on how to keep positive because I struggle with the same thing. But I’ve decided that as long as that desire to form a great relationship is still inside me, no matter how discouraged I get or how much I think it would be easier to just get more cats and give up, it means that I still have hope. Even though I might be resigned that maybe my luck will never change, that hope means I haven’t given up and I’ve still got a chance. You say you haven’t given up, which shows strength and hope and you should celebrate that.

      I wish you lots of luck in your search. Try as hard as you can to not feel like something is wrong with you, because it isn’t. You are NOT less than your coupled friends.  Besides, you probably get better sleep ;).  if we try to be the absolute best we can be, if we try our best to live a full, active life, then things will come as they may.  The fact that we’re still questioning means we’re not out of the game.

      1. 3.7.1
        Joe

        No one told Tracy it was because she was fat…I didn’t see anything in her post that would make anyone think so.

        According to Tracy:

        The reality is that far too many women are single in the United States for far longer than they’d like to be

        http://www.statista.com/statistics/500269/share-of-us-middle-class-population-by-gender-and-marital-status/

        I dunno…there appear to be more single men than there are single women.

        I think quite simply it’s because I haven’t had the good fortune to meet the right person.

        Thinking there’s the right person is the wrong way to go about it; you need to go about it thinking there’s a right person.

    7. 3.8
      GoWiththeFlow

      Tracy,

       

      Yes there is an element of luck involved in finding love.  Other commenters have focused on appearance, specifically weight, as being the msin factor in whether you attract a mate or not.  But I know many overweight women who attracted a husband, while some thin women are perpetually dateless.  Clearly other factors are in play including random chance.

       

      All you can do is be the best you you can be.  Work on what you can improve and lovingly accept the aspects of your physical self (height, facial features) and personality (introversion/extroversion) that you cannot change.  Ask a friend or relative to give you honest feedback and accept what they say.

       

      You sound totally burnt out.  Take a little time off and remember to engage in some self care;  a massage; an evening spent reading a book;  or a phone date with an old friend.  Once you have a family of your own, being able to recharge your batteries will be an important skill to have!

       

      You did mention yiu believe demographics are a factor here.  I agree with you on that.  One thing that you may want to consider is where you live.  Big east coast cities tend to have way more single women than men.  I recently moved back home to a large western city after a year spent in a small city that was “a nice place to raise a family”.  Yeah, socially I was semi-screwed living there.  Consider moving if you live in a single man desert.

  4. 4
    Trixie

    Do what works and insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

    One could try too hard desperation is not attractive in either gender.

    1. 4.1
      Adrian

      Where are all the angry comments about fat-shaming coming from?

       

      Making your own luck means taking responsibility for your part in the reason why you are still single -which most people don’t do… because they say, “I’m a good person, so I deserve… or I want someone to love me for who I am”-

       

      I believe most people acknowledged Tracy’s point about sometimes no matter how hard you try, finding someone can still be out of your control.

       

      Not to speak for Evan (and I am sure he will correct me if I am wrong) but, from my understanding through reading his advice over the years, I believe what he is preaching is that timing and chance encounters (the definitions of luck to me) are more heavily relied upon in the relationship process than they should be.

       

      It should be that goal oriented effort and consistency trump being in the right place and at the right time for effective results.

       

      However due to hollywood and romance novels, many people place more faith in meeting that special person magically, without any effort; saying, “love  comes to those who don’t look for it”, “it should happen naturally”, or “leaving it in god’s hands.”

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