5 Ways You Can Overcome Rejection and Find Love

We've all been there. You fall in love. It's the best feeling in the world. But then, for some reason - timing, money, addiction, infidelity, children, communication, emotional availability - you grow apart and can't be fixed. What do you do then? Join me on this Love U Podcast where I explore my own heartbreak and teach you 5 ways to bounce back and find love.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    roxy

    I needed this one Evan. Thank you.

  2. 2
    Emily, the original

    Thanks for sharing your stories. At least for me, it was helpful to hear that men can be deeply affected by the end of a relationship.

    1. 2.1
      Emily, the original

      By that I meant, if you’re a woman and get dumped, it can sometimes feel like the man blithely moves on quickly.

      1. 2.1.1
        Stacy

        @Emily

        It’s only a smokescreen. They hurt just as much but deal with it differently.

        This is one of the reasons why if I break up with someone, I consciously lose access to that person. I delete any and everything that alludes to him.  I do not want to know what you’re doing/who you’re seeing, etc.  I don’t want to know about his moving on.

        1. Emily, the original

          Hi Stacy,
          They hurt just as much but deal with it differently.
          My examples are men in my family so it’s a limited viewpoint, but they seem to be able to quickly transfer their affections from the previous partner to the new one. Is there much depth to the attachment?
          This is one of the reasons why if I break up with someone, I consciously lose access to that person. I delete any and everything that alludes to him.  I do not want to know what you’re doing/who you’re seeing, etc.  I don’t want to know about his moving on.
          I feel the same way.

        2. xxxxxxxxxx

          Hi Stacy. Yes. No contact is best, not just for yourself, but to send a message to a man that if he were to make the decision to break with you, then he must live with the consequences. I find a lot of men want to break up because they do not want exclusivity or committment, but still want to maintain contact in case they need sex during a dry spell or the pleasure of your company when they get dumped themselves,  or get lonely Well, guess what, take your lumps man.

          I have been on the other side of the divide too. And yes, maintaining contact with a man you break up with can be cruel because it gives him an illusion that you both can still somehow get back together. I have found that it doesn’t work and they get angry and accuse you of “stringing them along”  when you really wanted to be civil and kind and graceful in the way you bow out.

        3. xxxxxxxxxx

          Yes Emily. I have experienced the same phenomenon.  Not just in my family, but in my woder social circle as well. I sometimes think that men don’t actually love a woman warts and all, but some sort of ideal that a woman currently represents to him. When she no longer represents that “ideal” or he realises that she never did, he finds a new woman for whom he sees that “ideal” in.

          Which might explain why some men continue to dote upon women who appear to treat them so cruelly and scornfully. In their eyes,  she is still the “ideal” for them and so are able to bear whatever cruel treatment she dishes out to him.

        4. Emily, the original

          xxx,

          I sometimes think that men don’t actually love a woman warts and all, but some sort of ideal that a woman currently represents to him. When she no longer represents that “ideal” or he realises that she never did, he finds a new woman for whom he sees that “ideal” in.

          I was talking about how a spouse of 30 years will die and the man is dating again in 3 months. It seems to be a quick transfer of his needs from one woman to the next.

        5. Fromkin

          It’s pretty common for men and women to start dating ridiculously quickly after a spouse dying. It has nothing necessarily to do with not loving the person who died, and a lot to do with wanting very badly to be in a couple, with being lonely.

          In support groups I met one widow totally on her own who started dating after 6 months, and one with kids who started dating after 6 weeks.

           

        6. Emily, the original

          Those sound like people who must be with someone to meet their needs, which everyone does to a certain extent. However, I’m thinking that people who can move on that quickly can’t see their partners as autonomous from themselves. They aren’t individuals with whom they have a unique connection.

        7. Yet Another Guy

          @Emily, the original

          My examples are men in my family so it’s a limited viewpoint, but they seem to be able to quickly transfer their affections from the previous partner to the new one. Is there much depth to the attachment?

          I believe that men hurt just as much as women.  It is just that we process things differently due to the fact that we do not have the extensive emotional support networks that women enjoy.  Men usually do not seek emotional support from other men because what they are likely to receive is advice to “man up” or go get laid.  In my humble opinion, men re-couple more quickly than women because it is easiest way to avoid dealing with the pain of a breakup.  Men tend to suppress, bury, and move on to the next woman.  Men are able to make this transition because we are trained from the time we are little boys to suppress our emotions.  However, I can assure you that many men still feel a wave of emotion when they run into an old love.

        8. Emily, the original

          YAG,  

          However, I can assure you that many men still feel a wave of emotion when they run into an old love.

          This is my point. Imagine being the new woman. No one wants to be someone else’s human band aid.

          I have a female friend who will not leave a relationship unless she has a jump off lined up. She was in a long-term relationship years ago that ended, and then she married the next door neighbor. A few years ago she left her husband and moved out. THREE MONTHS LATER (they were married for 15 years), he moved another woman into their home. And, no, I don’t think he was seeing her before my friend left him. So that means he meet someone, dated her and determined it was serious enough for a live-in relationship in 90 days. Wow.

        9. Yet Another Guy

          @Emily, the original

          I can assure you that there are women that men never get over.  There is one in my past that still haunts me from time to time, and it has been almost thirty years since we broke up.  I believe that Eric Clapton and Robert Cray expressed how men feel about women like this one in the song entitled “Old Love.”

          Old Love

          I can feel your body
          When I’m lying in bed
          There’s too much confusion
          Going around through my head

          And it makes me so angry
          To know that the flame still burns
          Why can’t I get over?
          When will I ever learn?

          Old love, leave me alone
          Old love, go on home

          I can see your face
          But I know that it’s not real
          It’s just an illusion
          Caused by how I used to feel

          And it makes me so angry
          To know that the flame will always burn
          I’ll never get over
          I know that I’ll never learn

          Old love, leave me alone
          Old love, go on home

        10. Emily, the original

          YAG,

          I can assure you that there are women that men never get over.  There is one in my past that still haunts me from time to time,

          You’re actually making it worse. That’s most women’s nightmare. To be with a partner’s who’s still moping around about somebody else.

           I believe that Eric Clapton and Robert Cray expressed how men feel about women like this one in the song entitled “Old Love.”

          The song that comes to mind when I think of my former “situations” is “What Was I Thinking? I Must Have Been Drinking!”   🙂

  3. 3
    RG

    Thank you for this podcast! I was committed to a 28 years long marriage that I thought was going well, but ended with him having an affair and leaving me. It’s been 5 years I still hurt and I still question myself while wishing to have him back. This podcast has helped me to see and think differently. Everything that you’ve said is so on target and I am terribly grateful to you after having listened to it.

    1. 3.1
      Shasha

      End life Crisis for the guy? Wants one last fling? since only on the earth once? Just let him go.  You out grew each other maybe. Just find someone yourself so you are not alone and forgive. Life is short….a journey where you are always learning. You may find someone even better. God bless!

  4. 4
    JKM

    At least it sounds like the ladies were honest pretty honest with you. I was in a  long distance relationship for 18 months. I’m 59 and he is 56. He traveled and spent weekends with me. He was too financial stable and was a man that was a master seducer and told me everything any woman wants to here and honestly believed him. However, he never followed thru with any actions. He called me every day sometimes 3x’s a day. OUt of the blue he said we needed to take a break. I said there were no breaks at our age that we need to talk.  Within 3 days he said he would be up in 2 days to get his stuff. Within in a week he posted in a relationship on FB and 2 weeks later posted he was engaged to a woman 12 yrs younger than me. WHO DOES this? I’m was completely devastated and am still having a difficult time healing to move on.  I did tell him that I was the best damn woman he ever had and someday he’ll have regrets. I really was a fool and have beat myself up badly. I finally know that I messed up big time but it doesn’t mean it needs to be a life sentence. I do fear I’ll never find love again as at 59 and living in a very small town far away from everything there aren’t many options.  Yet, I do believe God has my back and knew the relationship I was in was not good for  me. I would rather be single and live the rest of my llife alone than settle out of fear of never find love again at my age. Heartbreak sucks for sure, but nothing will ever compare to the loss of my husband 12 years . Widowhood is the most difficult heartbreak. Yet, at least you know their is never a chance of them coming back.  Thanks for sharing your story and advice. Sometimes it easy to feel that you are the only one in the world that has ever had heartbreak. Happy New Year!

    1. 4.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @JKM

      Within 3 days he said he would be up in 2 days to get his stuff. Within in a week he posted in a relationship on FB and 2 weeks later posted he was engaged to a woman 12 yrs younger than me. WHO DOES this?

      Men do it all of the time.  You learned an almost universal truth in that men will date and have sex with a women their senior; however, when it comes to settling down, a man with options will almost always choose a woman his junior.  Men almost universally desire to be the older partner in a couple.  This reality is amplified if a woman is significantly older than her partner.

      1. 4.1.1
        JKM

        @ Yet Another Guy

        I am only 3 years older than he is. I don’t consider that significantly older. He told me that he had only ever dated older women. In my post I also meant to post that he was financially UNstable. You say that men do this all the time! Really? Men just go around preying on older women that are widows and devote love and attention to them until they find a younger woman? Why would a woman go for a man 12 years older than her who has no financial stability, impulsive, whose motto in life is, “I never expected to live this long which is I never worried about my future or retirement?” If universally do this all the time, my faith has not been restored that there are honest, trustworthy, committed, and ambitious left in this world. 🙂

         

        1. xxxxxxxxxx

          JKM, read my post to YAG and the one addressed to you following from my response to him. No, not all men are like your ex, but I really think you need to temper your expectations from men as a 50+ woman.

          I am 50 and am fully aware that engegement with men at my age is a totally different ballgame from the one I experienced when much younger.  If you are hoping for remarriage, this is going to really be a challenge. However, it is still very very possible to find love, companionship and mutual support from a man looking for something similar.  Most men (not all of course) have been there, done that and really don’t have the temerity to cop another marriage. Some may have even survived a few divorces themselves !

          Also, I don’t know if you want your man to be “your everything” and you to be his. At our age, men expect us to be comfortable with ourselves and be able to be happy without constant validation and attention from them . Indeed, this is one of the attractions and advantages we have over younger women who need more constant validation from their men.

          At our age, men are looking for equals and compansionship, not someone they have to fuss over and “take care of”. If they had to do this with us, they would then prefer to go for younger women who have the same expectations as we do, but who are younger and more attractive.

          For men our age who may have been through the dramas of previous divorces and separations, all they want is someone easy going, personable, companionable and will provide the easy comfort older women like us can provide. I think you need to rethink your requirements for a man who is “ambitious”. As for committed, I hope you mean sexually exclusive rather than in the marriage sense.

        2. xxxxxxxxxx

          OK, Evan. If your statistics show that older men wish to remarry at the rate higher than younger men, then I eat my words. My experience is that a lot of older men don’t wish to remarry, but of course there may be other factors contributing to this self selected sample, with emotionally harrowing and financially impoverising divorces being a big factor, and the fact that they no longer wish to have children.

        3. Evan Marc Katz

          In fact, it works the OTHER way, xxx. Consider:

          We know that 2/3 of men are emotionally unintelligent.

          We know that women ask for 2/3 of divorces.

          We know that women usually fare worse after the divorce than their breadwinning exes.

          Should it be any surprise that it’s women who are more leery of remarriage?

          Should it be any surprise that middle-aged men with some money but few friends are looking for a wife?

          The stereotype of the divorced/widowed guy taking up with a new woman immediately is true.

          For every avoidant MGTOW, there are two men who would love to have a woman taking care of them.

    2. 4.2
      xxxxxxxxxx

      YAG, the age difference in JKM’s case is only 3 years. To him, it would have felt like dating someone his own age. I think you meant to say that it is a universal truth many many men prefer to settle down with a significantly younger woman if they can. It is that hind lizard brain thing that tells them if they are going to invest a lot of their time and resources, they should get someone as attractive and as close to an “innocent” state as possble. By this I mean not having as strong or as independent a character that can lead her to push against his will.  The same way women prefer to adopt a younger child or baby over an older child. I threw that in should women here get up in arms over this.

    3. 4.3
      xxxxxxxxxx

      JKM, so sorry to hear about your brutal experience at the hands of this person.  You believe this man was never serious about you, and manipulated you with sweet words. I really don’t know if this is true, but I do know he may have been one of those men who truly “lives in the moment”. They only know what they are experiencing in the now, and it is very possible he was truly smitten with you when he was with you.  But these men are very changeable (autistic in a way) that leads them to act and think according to what they feel moment to moment. You could one day be the centre of his universe, and then totally forgettn the next because his interest is caught up in something or someone else. If he is that kind of person, it is truly a blessing you were “gotten” out before you invested any more of your time and energy and emotions into him. I wasted 15 years on a man like that so be thankful you didn’t.

      Another takeaway is that if you had a good marraige and it sounded like you did, be aware not to carry on expectations of men based on your late husband. As not all men are as good as your late husband, just as not all men are as rascally as they man who led you down the garden path.

       

  5. 5
    anne

    Thank You Evan and Happy New Year,
    I would like to try and apply your advice to a marriage that lasted twenty years, which is a tricky exercise, but a useful one.

    1) “you don’t want to stay with a husband who has decided that he no longer loves you (enough) to stay”: true! Not only is there nothing I could do, but I decided that I needed to let him/it go, for my own sake, in spite of my three wonderful daughters. Love endures, but wives and husbands can leave.

    2)  “he was no longer into me, and therefore not such a great match”: true: he used to be a great match but no longer was

    3) “if I had stayed, I would have been miserable”, more and more, because in spite of my feelings, my needs were not met; I no longer felt cherished, protected, listened to, and I was struggling and starving. And yet I admired him so much; he was my complement, but, he was no longer a partner.

    4) My ego: it took me several months to go from “my loss”, “I am not challenging enough, not good enough”, to “his loss”: he lost the wonderful, loving, supporting me… I had put him on a pedestal, and undervalued myself. So yes, it’s his loss… although it is also mine (after 22 years), but I’m prepared to learn, and move forward.

    5)I’m not quitting on love. I’m not sure whether there’s a man in the next bus, or rather when is the next bus, but I don’t want to quit. My husband was not a shitty guy, far from it, that’s why it’s harder than if I had met him a few months ago, but I won’t quit!

     

  6. 6
    Elly Klein

    Really enjoyed this one, Evan! One of your best. I like the personal stories.

  7. 7
    Henriette

    Evan, this was exactly the podcast I needed to hear on this exact day. Thank you.

  8. 8
    Shasha

    Great talk! ‘Thanks for explaining about your life! I could not do 10 years actively trying to date. I have been sick, but want to heal first, but know if I was happy and in a relationship I may heal faster than alone. What guy wants to be with a sick women? No one … Guys maybe interested but they don’t realize I am sick. Yes…don’t take the person who enjoys abandoning which is a control tactic and means they can’t handle something and want to run. They may do it many times. I already see Red Flags, but know there are no perfect guys/relationships. Wanting to be with more than one women would also hurt. If I ever date I would be the only  one in my family tree that dated/remarried after divorce. I have  my pets, which are great, but to make it work with another person seems very hard since I can’t handle conflict. I have no conflict with my pets. They are awesome and give unconditional love!

  9. 9
    Marni

    Hi Evan, I’ve been listening to you for a while now and have bought some of your products, and yet again, your kind, thoughtful straight-talk is exactly what I needed to hear. If I could, I’d reach out and give you a hug. Thanks for sharing your real life experiences and how you dealt with the them, I needed to hear that. I love the part of remembering to value myself equally, and to not give it away to some random stranger from a dating site.

  10. 10
    Rossana

    Absolutely awesome podcast, sooo valuable. Pure wisdom. Every single person that listens to this will find it golden even just as a precious reminder. Thank you Evan, you’re the best!!!

  11. 11
    Shasha

    HI, Just be yourself…not too nice which endomorphins may cause and fear of rejection. I agree, no beg a guy to want you. Find someone who really wants you…no excuses. I agree, many guys may be interested in me, but it is just lust, not that he is right for me.  Yes…once dumped that person may not right for you.

     

  12. 12
    Marika

    Evan

    Thank you so much for acknowledging that women can fare worse after a divorce, and also for reminding us that the ‘all women are disgusting after 30’ guys are in the minority! We know this, but for some reason those guys love to take over this blog from time to time. So reminders are always greatly appreciated ☺

  13. 13
    Lorraine

    Thanks alot everyone,for sharing.Thank you oh so much Evan for all the support.Am one of those people who keep running into walls but I still believe that one day it will all turn out right.

  14. 14
    k. alexandrovna

    Evan- This was like a hot cup of coffee after our recent  snowmaggedon ❤️✌🏽 thank u for existing, you do provide much solace to us soon-to-be-not miserable bunch -lol

  15. 15
    Marika

    Best podcast so far! Authentic, open, relatable and useable. Thank you ☺ It’s funny how the simplest messages can be the most helpful.

  16. 16
    S.

    The question I’ve been wondering since I listened to this last week, was would you have (or had you already) changed your type in women before you met your wife? Sometimes we don’t know what we’re doing wrong until we get it right.

     

  17. 17
    audrey

    I have yet to meet a guy who puts in half the effort you did, EMK! Where are guys like that? In my twenties, I did marry a guy who was so persistent that I ended up giving in and married him, I thought I was in love, but no, I was manipulated into that marriage and it was an abusive relationship that persists today as we share a child. But to this day I want someone who would put in some effort into pursuing me, is that too much to ask/want/expect? I’ve been meeting men thru dating sites/apps on and off for six years. I’ve been in three almost relationships that I broke off shortly after intimacy began, because the guy got lazy. So frustrating, but I’m still going on dates, hopefully one this weekend, but he’s here on vacation, so I’ll go just to practice conversation skills 🙂

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