Are You Compromising or Are You Settling?

love u podcast

“Settling” is a bad word. I didn’t settle. I would never ask you to settle. In this week’s podcast, however, I’d like to help you redefine settling. Soon, you’ll be able to distinguish “settling” from the smart compromises that every happily married woman makes in order to build a life with someone.

Watch: YouTube

Enjoy the podcast? Please leave a short review on iTunes by clicking

Join our conversation (9 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 1

    Yasss thanks! I wouldnt wanna settle… it makes a person unhappy. But i would sometimes want to work hard to make a relationship work! Today i was with a friend and her boyfriend is a clingy, controllig type. I at least made her contemplate to do this trip to Berlin she wanted to do of which her boyfriend said she wasnt allowed to do because he woildnt give her thremoney. Shes still studying.   So i told her she should go ask her parents to give her money! I think that he did brainwash her badly!!!


    1. 1.1
      Just Saying

      If you do not want a man or like what he is doing to you, THEN DO NOT TAKE HIS MONEY. It is as simple as that.

  2. 2

    Good advice.   Even for men.

  3. 3

    Wow.   I knew your mother had found love but I didn’t realise she’d  tied the knot  again: fantastic news, Evan!   I remember you mentioning, years ago, how lonely she was and I guess we could say she is an  example of finding joy in  a package that  none of you had  expected.   Mazel Tov  to the lovely couple.

    I’m surprised by the dearth of comments on this thread, because I think it’s one of the most important messages you “preach.”   Then again, sometimes we remain silent on topics where we don’t feel like there’s anything to challenge so maybe everyone is in tacit agreement.

    Even before I began reading this blog, I advised my girlfriends to loosen their restrictions on height, income and education level when looking for partners.   Most of them did not but found husbands, anyway.     That written, most of those are married to successful, tall, short-tempered, self-centred guys who certainly would make me miserable.

    I thought I was doing it right, because I didn’t prioritise dating men with power, wealth or classic good looks.   However, as Evan points out, that’s only half the equation;      I  have  to focus on getting traits that WILL make  me happy in the long run.   I have (almost) always dated kind, respectful guys but I have learned that I also require a man who can support himself, financially.   Dreamers who can’t pay the rent aren’t  compatible with me, no matter how sweet and loving.


  4. 4
    Yet Another Guy

    I believe that a lot of college-educated American women are still somewhat delusional when it comes to mate selection.   They hold out for perfection when the odds are not in their favor.   It is no secret that I am a bit of a data guy.    I wanted to know why finding a date today is trivial compared to what the experience was like when I was a younger man.   What I have discovered is not going to make college-educated American women happy.     The shortage of college-educated single men in America is not perceived.   It is real, and the shortages span most age ranges, with the top and bottom age ranges most negatively affected.   Where a woman lives further compounds the shortage of college-educated single men.   For example, where I live the ratio of college-educated single women to college-educated single men in the 45 to 64 age range is between 1.5 and 1.8 to 1 depending on county (between 3 women for every 2 men and 9 women for every 5 men).   Unless a woman is willing to be alone or share a man with another woman, she is going to have to consider non-college educated men.   The shortages in the 45+ age ranges are in large part caused by death, as there was parity or a slight oversupply of college-educated men in these brackets at one point.   The problem at the bottom is an unintended side-effect of Title IX leading to higher acceptance rates for female applicants at universities that accept federal funds (women tend to be better applicants because they mature earlier than men and do not engage in risky behavior that can lead to trouble with law enforcement).   The page linked below has interactive map that details male/female ratios in the United States.   One can select on age range and education.

    1. 4.1

      That chart confirms my experience dating.   I struggle with the settling and paying for it with unhappiness.   I am a college-educated 65 year old woman.   To make matters even worse, much worse, is that I have a 155 IQ.   It’s hard, maybe impossible, to connect with someone who is not somewhere in the same IQ range.   I figure there’s 45 people on the planet that speak English, are heterosexual, will cross paths with me, etc etc.

      What to do?   I really really don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.   Embrace Polyamory?


  5. 5

    I have settled for over 15yrs. Keeping it short. When I became ill with a deadly disease. He lived here, but became emotionally nonexistent. Again finances have kept me in the situation. Finally I am starting to become my Real self. Much more complicated. Enough for now. Ty.

  6. 6

    Evan – regarding the first call where the guy isn’t fun – could it be that he isn’t fun out of low self-confidence? could she coax the fun part of him out of hiding without trying to change him?

    1. 6.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Possible. But, in general, how much coaxing do you want to do with a partner. I believe, in general, that relationships should be easy. Try your hardest to make the best of each situation, and if it doesn’t feel right, move on.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *