The Breakup Doctor – an interview with Kevin Kurgansky

love u podcast

Sensitive, smart, and spiritual are the first three words I’d used to describe Kevin Kurgansky. While he’s a young guy, he is an explorer who has channeled his wisdom into a best-selling breakup program. If you’re struggling to get over a guy, you don’t want to miss this.

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  1. 1

    The subject for next week is going to elicit a lot of comments, hold on to your seat!

    This is the first podcast i think I will have to listen to for a second time in order to get everything out of it. Thanks Kevin, for a lot of thought-provoking points.

    What i got out of it the first time round is a renewed sense that we first need to know ourselves more before we engage in a long term relationship. Quite a lot of our invisible contracts are invisible even to ourselves. It’s hard to divide what are normal expectations and what are products of our past disappointment and hurt, and the overcorrecting that ensues. I think that is a life long project, though we get better at that division as time goes by. Also, what might be said in passing might have profound meaning to us, but the other may see that as a singular incident that needs to be corrected. To detect, for example, the underlying need beneath a request to check in more as a need for better communication is not a knack that comes to most people naturally.



  2. 2

    OK, like, I’m not sure how to say this but, like, this was an enlightening interview. However, Kevin’s continual interjection of the word “like” is highly annoying and disruptive to hearing the message. Perhaps I’m just not around people in their teens and twenties enough to overlook this! Comment on our times…………….

  3. 3

    Thank you for the informative discussion! I really appreciated the thread on boiling down our emotions to the true feelings. Glad, mad, sad, and fearful. I have been using ” I feel” statements in attempt to communicate more clearly. Knowing how to truly use those statements in a way that does not blame, shame, etc is truly helpful. I look forward to studying and practicing NVC!

  4. 4

    This was an excellent interview.   Kevin’s verbalizations to the nuances of behavior, emotions and expectations and how they relate to all relationships was enlightening.

  5. 5

    There was a lot of useful content here, and coming from a nonviolent communication background, it was great to hear this introduced to the relationship realm. The thread was a bit hard to follow though, and in many ways, it felt that Kevin wasn’t solid in the information he was sharing. Perhaps it was podcast nerves… I know we all have our learning curves, so I offer feedback to support that growth. Public speaking practice, reviewing the questions in advance, taking notes on what is being asked and pausing to gather thoughts before responding- these are a few strategies I would offer up. I am happy to offer coaching in this realm. Kevin has a lot to offer, and what he has to offer can be more powerful with greater strength in the delivery.

  6. 6

    He needs to attend a few toastmasters meetings

  7. 7

    I think this was a great interview with a lot of nuggets. I have to listen again because I was listening during my morning-go-to-work routines so I didn’t get to take notes.   Evan asked some excellent questions. The one I was turning around was whether what a woman might be asking of a man is reasonable.   Does she check her expectations or does she find someone who as he already is is more in line with what she wants?   I asked Evan once and he just said, “Yes.” Which I guess means she should do both.   I know I don’t always want to do both, though.

    The overthinking. It was interesting to hear two coaches discuss it. I can see they’re only trying to help.   Sometimes . . . a person has to wallow.   Just as long as it’s not too long.   Sometimes I know I need to talk–a lot–it feels good, and helps me resolve things and find some peace. Not always, but a lot of the times it really helps.   People have to go through their stages at their pace.   That’s how one learns and grows.   It must be frustrating as a coach.   But it’s frustrating as the person! Sometimes I rush my process and it’s necessary and that works. Sometimes I rush my process and it backfires because I’m not ready and I’m really set back.   As a coach, I think you can only offer some insight and it’s up to the person to know if they are ready enough to take that insight and work with it to change their situation. And if they’re not, that’s okay too.   That insight might be useful down the road long after coaching.   You never know when good advice might click!

  8. 8

    Kevin, I think you made a really good points. I especially liked how you discussed honoring the desires and requests of one’s partner, and recognizing that even when they set us off or make us feel something negative, it more often than not is a function of an internal unmet need, rather than the ‘wrongnress’ of that person’s request. To me, an ideal relationship is one where both partners are allowed to want what they want, and have the freedom to ask for what they want without being made wrong by their partner. Excellent discussion of invisible contracts and expectations – something I think will really help people to recognize and be more aware of how these impact their daily choices and thoughts.

    Evan, I can only tell you what got me through my divorce, when I literally could not wrap my mind around the fact that my ex rejected me. I told myself, that it doesn’t matter why. It’s what he wants, and being a person of integrity, I am bound to honor his desires as equal to my own, even when they are in opposition. For me, that thought moved me away from the hurt feelings  (rejected, unwanted) to something that I could control  (my own behaviors, metrics) and shifted my feelings to the positive (I feel good about being a person of integrity  even when my spouse is not, I feel honored by my own choices).

    1. 8.1

      even when they set us off or make us feel something negative, it more often than not is a function of an internal unmet need, rather than the ‘wrongnress’ of that person’s request.

      Such a great point!   The difficulty is when the person can’t acknowledge or communicate in words (even if it’s just with themselves) what the unmet need is.     I think it’s great to ask for what you want, but what does a person do if their chosen partner isn’t meeting their needs? Sure, they could go elsewhere but it depends on what those unmet needs are.   Self-awareness and communication are so important.

      One of the things I’m working on is recognizing early on when I can’t meet someone’s need.   I was mentioning in my comment above Evan’s comment about whether the need is reasonable. In way, it doesn’t matter. If I can’t meet it and I’m not willing to change, it doesn’t really matter, I’ve got to go.   Even if most people I date have a need, if I’m not willing to meet it then that’s it.   It all goes both ways.

  9. 9

    This also brings up the idea that the conflict between the two in a relationship will automatically bring up the issues of both involved. The key is that the negative feeling you are having – that tells you what the unmet need is. If a woman feels abandoned because her spouse is spending “too” (a qualifier that tells you it’s a judgment instead of an objective fact), her unmet need is to feel accepted and acknowledged. The woman’s job at that point is to give that feeling to herself, to do her own emotional work to find the ways to feel that (instead of making it her partner’s responsibility).

    1. 9.1

      Sorry, *because her spouse is spending “too” much time with his friends.


  10. 10

    I was listening again to this podcast and wanted to discuss a point I left out: what to do when your partner has an unreasonable want. Kevin makes a good point about this usually being some other unmet need, like security. Evan, if your client realizes that the ‘unreasonable request’ is just ONE way to address the unmet need, then she can ask her partner to offer her something to address the unmet need. For example, if your client is seeing a guy, and is going to break up with him because he’s friends with women on facebook, and her ‘unreasonable request’ is for him to unfriend every woman so that she can feel comfortable & secure, you can tell her to address her unmet  need for comfort and security in other ways.  She can change her request to ‘help me feel comforted and secure”.  I had success with this when I was married. Often we get stuck on the ‘request’ and  it being a win/lose  situation. But if you get down to addressing the unmet need, then you  can ask for what  your partner is willing to do to meet that need, and there is  often a compromise that can be made.

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