Bringing Sexy Back – an Interview with Allana Pratt

Allana Pratt has a “thing.” I’ve yet to meet another woman who carries herself with effortless sex appeal that Allana does. She uses her gift to help women step out of their masculinity when they’re in relationships, as well as helping men get their confidence back, post-divorce. Tune in to the Love U Podcast to learn why men respond so strongly to women like Allana.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Nissa

     
    Yes, I get this, I have seen this work. I do agree that it is most effective to give first and create the opening for the other person to give back. Not only does this cost us very little, but literally anything other than this does not work. Withholding only creates more withholding. EMK mentioned that sometimes women think, “but he’s not doing anything”. He is doing something. He’s reacting to you – what you offered, what you gave, your levels of excitement, joy and love (or conversely, lack, sorrow and frustration). If you offer repeatedly and get nothing back, he’s still giving you something – the information that he’s unwilling or unable to be reciprocal, and that you should move on to someone who is.
     
    This stuff matters. All the women who complain that they are giving endlessly are the same ones I see that give as a means to control the behavior of others, or from a place of trying to earn love, or a place of fear that they will be dumped if they have appropriate boundaries. The act of giving is far less important than the reason you are doing the giving. You may not say it, but if you are getting anything other than the result you want, examine your motives – that is where the problem lies.
     
    I think the advice that will most help me is her comment about lecherous men. I’m a toucher, which is a good quality, but sometimes when I smile and touch a man on the hand, they go from zero to 90 in 5 seconds. I can handle it if they suggest getting closer, but sometimes they opt to grab me or try to kiss me without looking for signals that it is consensual. Requests I can handle, but being pounced freaks me out.
     

    1. 1.1
      Adrian

      Hi Nissa,

      I have noticed a very consistent theme with most of Evan’s guest speakers… Many have very Very “intense” past.

      I am the type to normally cringe away from those type of women; not in a judgmental way, but more in a “it’s makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward, so now I don’t know how to act around them” sorta way.

      Yet listening to all their stories it is easy to see that years later they are all extremely great catches in their own different ways.

      I’m curious to hear your opinion how do you know the difference between a person that is actually “damaged goods” and you should break up with them as soon as possible; and a person who is just going through an extremely traumatic time in their lives?

      How would you know the difference between the one to stick with through the hell, and the one to let go because they subconsciously seek out the hell?

      1. 1.1.1
        Nissa

        Oh, that’s super easy. Most of the trauma you are talking about happened  TO these women. It wasn’t generated by them. When one parent is a gambler, alcoholic, abandons or abuses (emotionally or physically) or kills another, the child obviously had no part in the creation of that. She just experienced it because she was dependent on those people. The other thing that you will notice about Evan’s speakers is the consistency of them being people who have DONE THE WORK. Meaning, they rescued themselves from whatever evil existed in their lives. They proactively asked for help, dealt with their issues (as well as they could) and used their power to help themselves. Their hell tends to be in the past for the most part and they tend to be committed to dealing with those same issues as they come up (as they will).

        People (both genders) who have not done this will live more in the past. They tend to blame, judge and use the past as reasons for any issue in the present. These are the people from whom you run. They live as victims, never seeing how they can help themselves, and no help you offer can be received by them. Think of leading a horse to water – only the horse can decide to drink, when she’s ready. Until them, nothing you do will make a difference, and you do not honor yourself by trying.

        If you cringe about being with people who have trauma, remember that they are victims. No one asks to be abandoned or abused. Let it stimulate your compassion, remembering the child they once were, deserving of love and attention. How would you act toward that child? Gentle. Loving. Kind.

        Think about how you would like to be treated. Say you had gotten your credit card stolen through no fault of your own and had terrible credit. But you did everything you could and now have good credit, but sometimes you still have to deal the fallout from that time. Would you still be a good person? Would it make you a bad partner? Or would the process of overcoming that difficulty make you stronger than you would have otherwise been?

        The crux of it is, not that we have had trauma. Everyone has been through something. It is how we have reacted to that trauma that makes all the difference. It is the choices we make that reflect our character and strength.

         

        1. KK

          Great comments Nissa. One caveat or addition to your sage advice: I don’t think there’s a perfect formula when meeting new people and deciding who you want to keep in your life. For example, I met someone in the recent past who had a lot of amazing qualities. He was very self aware, kind, and compassionate… However, he confided in me some things about his past that were very traumatic. Those issues pop up from time to time and he needs to talk about it. I consider myself a strong person, a compassionate, empathetic person, but I honestly couldn’t handle it. Needless to say, we aren’t a match because of this.

          I guess the best you can do is be open and honest with people you date and eventually, everything you need to know (hopefully) will come up. And if there’s something you can’t accept, so be it.

          I also think timing is important. Getting involved with someone in the middle of a messy divorce or recent divorce usually doesn’t pan out. The person you meet under those circumstances could be completely different (healthy) a few years down the road.

        2. Adrian

          As always thanks Nissa,

          Though I kind of believe that your wisdom is more applicable to people Evan’s, his guest, and your age.

          Most people my age and younger that I have met, either live in constant victim hood, or overcompensate way too much, when they have a hard past.

          As you know, I have just recently gotten back into the dating world. I haven’t had to date anyone for 10 years, so all my dating experience is that of a 20 year old.

          My long time girlfriend was sick for years, and she eventually pasted away about three years ago. Yet I don’t talk about it (it took me forever to force myself to get back into the dating world), it is something personal and I surely would not tell a stranger or someone one about it on the first date.

          Yet these are the type of stories I have been exposed to over and over. I want someone to open up to me, and I am glad that I give off the vibe that they feel they can. But it still makes me uncomfortable hearing such intense personal stories from these women who are practically strangers.

          I may be wrong for saying this, but it always kills any sexual attraction I have for this women. I no longer look at them as a possible woman I can one day share my bed with; I just look at them as someone I should cradle like a big brother for a hurt child.

          I am not saying sex is the only thing I am looking for with these women, I am just saying that -to me- a part of a relationship that is more than a friendship is the element of sex and feeling like your partner is an emotional equal. I can never feel those things with someone I feel is a hurt child.

          ….    ….    ….

          I don’t know how to explain it, but thank you for answering my question. You are right, I always do feel bad for stepping away, but -for me- when a person I barely know wants me to be their emotional pillar, to much and too soon (always within the first 3 dates)-I run!

          But I will take your advice and work on that.

        3. Nissa

          That’s interesting. Even though I’ve had people lean on me (sometimes inappropriately) I would not have thought of it that way.

          Adrian, I’d do an ‘objectivity check’ with others to make sure that your concern about being expected to be someone’s emotional pillar right off the bat is actually coming from the other person. It may in fact be a reaction to what you felt was expected during your ex’s illness, and may be an internal response to that experience, where your soul is saying “I don’t want to ever have to be that strong again. I don’t want someone to lean on me. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness or safety”. It could be that you are projecting what you think they will expect, the person in front of you might be quite capable and willing to be responsible for herself. You won’t know until you actually get to know her, and that rarely happens in under three dates.

          KK, I’d have to agree that when a person is still going through a divorce or illness is not the time to get involved. It’s important to see if a person is still living their pain NOW, or has taken accountability for resolving that so that is minimally affects the present.

      2. 1.1.2
        Caroline

        Adrian-just a thought. You may want to look into why people overshare. The psychology behind it is quite interesting.

        1. ScottH

          here’s an interesting article on oversharing: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/03/overshare-martha-beck_n_3997538.html

          from the article:

          “We all have an innate tendency to mirror the level of intimacy presented by others, so when someone confides personal information, we feel social pressure to reciprocate. This can put us in deep social water with people who might simply be enthusiastic swimmers but could also be sea monsters. Experts who study predatory criminals advise wariness when anyone shares too much information too soon. Such people may be using a tactic called forced teaming, pulling others into ill-advised intimacy and gaining information they can use to embarrass, exploit, invade, or control.”

           

      3. 1.1.3
        Adrian

        Hi Nissa, KK, and Caroline

        I have no problem with a person over sharing, it’s the timing I have a problem with.

        Nissa,

        What are your thoughts on Evan’s advice about waiting until a new partner knows you more and is more emotionally invested before telling them certain things?

        Or do you believe that timing doesn’t matter when telling people certain things?  I’m asking because when I mentioned the sharing being within the first three dates, you did not acknowledge that, so what is your distinction or do you not have one about when to accept certain types of information? You are probably a more battle hardened dating than I am (^_^).

        For example a few weeks ago, I went on a first date with a younger woman who told me that she has two children that were taken from her by the court in a state on the other side of the country. She is not allowed to see or contact them, her mother whom she hasn’t spoken to in years has custody of them.

        A few days ago, I was on a first date with an older woman who told me that she and her ex-husband were swingers as well as were in an open relationship; she has had sex with married as well as single men and women, group sex, etc. She also told me that they had a 19 year old girl that was their babysitter who use to live with them full time-they both either shared her at the same time or had sex with her on their own all the time.

        Nissa what would you have said or done in those situations? How do you think I should act in the future in those type of situations? What advice do you have for conditioning myself to only focus on a person’s present and not their past as you suggested?

        KK,

        I agree, maybe it was the timing of where they are in life, or I am just too vanilla!

        I have noticed that my reaction to sexual stories make me feel intimidated; for example I met a woman about six weeks ago who told me while on the phone (before the first date) that she likes to participate in orgies (O_o), and she is use to being with men and women that can give her an orgasm because most men she has been with aren’t good in bed. I felt pressured and inadequate, I’ve only had three sexual partner and the last one we were together for years until she passed away.

        In contrast, whereas about two months ago, I met a girl who told me on the second date about being in a 5 year relationship were the guy beat her a lot and stole from her, he raped her numerable times; they had no kids and yet she stayed for that long (o_O). I felt I needed to comfort her as a friend or brother not kiss her at the end of the date; the rape story guaranteed that any kind of sexual thoughts I had for her were gone.

        Maybe Nissa was right, I probably reacted badly to both of those women, I just didn’t know what to do in these situations.

        Caroline,

        Why do you think people over share too soon?

        I know it is healthy to share, especially if you are with a person for a few years, but why do some people do it only after a few phone conversations and less than four dates?

         

         

        1. Emily, the original

          Adrian,

          Both of your dates, with the older and younger woman, overshared. TMI. Same with the girl you went on the second date with. You don’t volunteer those details of your life so quickly. It shows a lack of discretion or a botched attempt at forced intimacy. Why are you having such heavy conversations with women so early in the dating process? Are they just out of the blue bringing up such private topics or is something in your manner inviting them to do so?

          I have noticed that my reaction to sexual stories make me feel intimidated

          You feel intimidated. I feel turned off. This is similar to the men I mentioned to you in another post who told me about all the other women who wanted them or who they had been with in the past. All I could think of was: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?

           

        2. Adrian

          Hey Emily!

          I was just thinking about you <(‘-‘<). The printer in our office broke down Friday and I started to think about your encounter with your copy repair tech guy and it made me laugh.

          I just kept picturing that poor guy even now stopping by and poking his head into your office asking “I bet a pretty thing like you can’t be single?”… silence…blank stare from you….”Is there a Mr. Emily?”

          … He continues to ask for 15 more minutes and then walks off because behind him there is a line of other guys waiting to try again with you.

          I picture his belly entering the room 2 full minutes before he does (^_^).

          …   …   …

          I also thought these women were sharing too much too soon, but I want to take into consideration Nissa’s advice that it is me and not them that is the problem.

          Our conversations are normal, they usually just volunteer the information. To be fair, in practicing the 2-2-2 rule, I usually have 2-3 hour phone conversations with women, and our first dates generally last between 2-3 hours as well.

          Hours vary depending on the connection with the woman, but with 2 phone conversations and a 3 date, you are talking about 9 hours of pseudo bonding and faux emotionally connecting.

          So my guess is that they feel so at ease with me… But heck! I’m just guessing I don’t know.

          I just think of all of Evan’s guest turned out to be great catches in their own ways, and my fear was that I may be rejecting someone great because I couldn’t see past their… past (o_O).

          …   …   …

          Sex… I always got the impression that these women were trying to brag honestly. I guess that when people meet me they assume that I probably had a lot of sexual partners or maybe they are just really comfortable talking about sex.

          Either way, their stories always makes me feel like they have a bar that I know I can’t reach (one woman told me on the third date about a guy who made her have 3 orgams in one love making session).

          When I hear my married or coupled males friends brag about all the wild sexual things the do (behind their girls backs), I do envy them, but at the same time I don’t think I could ever do many of those things.

          …   …   …

          I am often torn between Evan’s and Karmic Equation’s (where is she!) advice on the too much time in the beginning issue. I know you agree with Karmic’s position.

          She says that you should not talk to long on the phone until after you meet for the first time because it creates a false sense of closeness without the actual in person attraction being established first.

          But Evan says that if something is “naturally” going good stopping it for no other reason except for the fact that it is some kind of PUA rule is just game playing. I personally agree with this; if a conversation is going good why stop it? If a date is going good, why end it early?

          And yet, I do see some of the negative effects of this faux bonding that happens.

        3. Emily, the original

          Hi Adrian,

          I picture his belly entering the room 2 full minutes before he does (^_^).

          LOL  It wasn’t that bad. He just wasn’t my type. I’m actually all for a guy throwing it out there in a very obvious way, but what I don’t like is a man who lacks what I call a transmitter. He doesn’t receive information. I am not responding, but he just keeps bludgeoning forward with the come-ons. Then he starts to wade into creeper territory.

          She says that you should not talk to long on the phone until after you meet for the first time because it creates a false sense of closeness without the actual in person attraction being established first.

          I am going to agree with her. I think you should keep the conversations short in the beginning. Treat getting to know a woman as you would any friendship. It should evolve over time, as should the levels of intimacy. You are a kind and considerate person (I can tell by your comments), plus you remember what women write on Evan’s site. Woman LOVE to feel like they’ve been heard. And you look like Tom Hiddleston. You probably have them eating out of your hands! (BTW, who are you going to date now that the thing with Tay Tay is over?! I lost respect for you when you wore the “I Heart TS” t-shirt.  🙁   )

          When I hear my married or coupled males friends brag about all the wild sexual things the do (behind their girls backs), I do envy them …

          I think a lot of people exaggerate their sexual conquests, both men and women. It’s a turn off.

           

        4. GoWiththeFlow

          Adrian,

          My dear child, where are you finding these women?  Or where are they finding you?  😉

          All the examples of recent dates you have had;  the younger woman who lost custody of her kids;  the older swinger who with her ex, shared a young babysitter that was barely legal;  the woman who told you she participates in orgies; the woman who was in an abusive relationship.   IMO this is oversharing on a pathological level, especially the sex stuff!

          I think that maybe all three feel that their situation is so uniquely problematic that they should just put it all out there at the beginning so the guy walks away then and not after time has gone by, they’ve become attached, and the guy walks after he finds out she lost her kids, was in an abusive relationship, or likes to get her freak on with multiple partners.  (Geez, I think I’m a serious prude:  I’m tickled pink to have ONE loving partner)

          I do think that you wind up be the recipient of these “true confessions gone wild” because you project an open, nonjudgemental, accepting personality.  That is a very GOOD thing.  The downside to that is, well, true confessions gone wild 😉  I know because this happens to me a lot.  I’m everyone’s favorite amateur therapist and wasn’t looking for half the stuff I have heard!

          Set boundaries.  Especially after you get married and have kids, your friends will have to find someone else to verbally purge on.  You will need the mental energy and empathy for your family.

          I hope that in-between the over-sharers you are meeting women who know how to build a trusting friendship/relationship with a man OVER TIME.

           

           

        5. Adrian

          Hi GoWithTheFlow,

          Emily speaks a lot about guys who always bring up how many other women want them as a form of bragging or trying to boost his desirability in her (any woman’s) eyes.

          I always got the impression that the women who told me about all the sexual things they have done or liked to do too soon were doing a female version of what Emily described.

          What backfired was not the descriptions of the acts themselves, but the pressure of feeling like I have to perform like a GOD in bed to meet her standards or to be as good as the men of her past.

          …   …   …

          I completely agree with you that some women like to throw personal information at you hard and fast to just get it out of the way with.

          I have noticed that whenever I met a woman in person, and asked her out, then we went out on a first date; she would almost always throw out that she has children immediately, without a lead in,  any tact, or it even being the topic of our conversation-just here, I’m a mom if you are going to reject me do it now (O_o).

          Hmmm… Actually, I am curious; what advice do you have for dealing with that awkwardness on dates? I have found that saying anything but “I love kids or you having children is not a problem for me”, will lead some women to take it as a personal rejection; and I always feel super guilty.

          Especially when they shove it in my face the first 10 minutes of the date, that makes the rest of the evening long and awkward. I am conflicted on this issue:

          On the one hand I can see that a woman could wait for a man to get to know her before she brings up the subject of her having children; especially since most women wait before allowing a man to meet their children anyway. That way he will be emotionally invested in her and will accept her having children even if he never saw himself dating a woman with children.

          On the other hand I can see how many women would want to not get emotionally attached to a guy just for him to reject her when he finds out she has children. Plus on top of that, a child is a living breathing BIG part of her life, not something to manipulate a man into accepting about her like she would manipulate a guy she really like but he hates smoking into falling in love with her before revealing her habit.

        6. Nissa

          Wow.  I’d have to agree with Emily as those being examples of lack of discretion or botched attempts at intimacy. I did not mean to imply you acted badly in regard to your dates oversharing, just that the idea of them wanting you to be their pillar seemed like an assumption. I’d agree you have had an usually high number of oversharing dates. If they are bringing it up on the date, it’s very fair to say your date is bringing it into the present by detailing it for you. That’s quite different than,” I had a pretty abusive marriage – but I’ve come so far since then by moving to a new town…”

          I could see when a women mentioned she’d been raped as an attempt to request you move slowly sexually and trying to let you know that her discomfort was not about you personally. That one I would get. (Although, yes, it utterly kills the romance for that date, I think that reasonable of you).

          I think the best distinction I could give is that you are allowed to have a different level of intimacy than your date. They are not wrong, but they are not matching you either. It’s reasonable to back up if your date makes you uncomfortable, for whatever reason. I think it feels so intimidating because it feels like it’s about you personally. However, it is much more likely a reflection of that person – their comfort zone, beliefs, desires. I might date someone who wants to disband Social Security or loves to Bungee Jump, but neither of those things is a reflection of me personally.

          Could you give us an example of the lead up question to the overshare? You seem to have an inquisitive, curious mind, and I could see you asking getting to know you questions….and having your date forget she’s on a date to the degree she lets it all hang out. Rachel Greenwood of Have Him At Hello tells her oversharing clients (like me) to limit first date chat for this exact reason. I think your best bet to limit the oversharing is, when they do it, to simply redirect the conversation, ignoring your dates’ social gaffe in admitting they love men who give them multiple orgasms. You can simply reply, “Ah. I’ve always loved the Alps, myself…”

        7. Caroline

          Adrian-I hadn’t realized I didn’t answer your question. My answer is what ScottH said above😊

        8. GoWiththeFlow

          Hi Adrian,

          “. . . guys who always bring up how many other women want them as a form of bragging or trying to boost his desirability in her (any woman’s) eyes.”

          I haven’t experienced this in a direct manner.  Say, for instance, I’m on a date with a man and he starts talking about the women who he can go out with.  At work I sometimes get the fly-on-the-wall experience of listening to guys talk amongst themselves.  When they talk about this or that woman “liking” them I think this is more to feel good about themselves and increase their cred with the guys.

          There was one guy I was very interested in that I would run across at work once or twice a week, usually in a group setting.  He would sometimes talk about ex-girlfriends he had or exotic women he found attractive that were the physical opposite of me.  They were tall, Latin, brunettes.  I’m short, blonde, girl next door type.  My take home message was don’t bother with this guy I’m not his type!

          As for people who overshare their kinky sex tales, I have much the same reaction as you do.  If the person is used to engaging in supra-normally stimulating sex with multiple partners, they will view sex with me as being boring and eventually they will want more.  And they will want me to go places or cross lines that I’m not comfortable with.

          As for single moms and dating, I’ve been a single mom almost my whole adult life.  When I was much younger and guys in my expanding circle of acquaintances would find out I had a child, I used to call their reaction the “Oh my God, what would my mother say” look.  As I got older, and my peers got older as well, it got to the point where there were so many divorced people that single moms and dads weren’t an anomaly in the dating scene.  Now I’m at a spot where the issue isn’t so much that I have kids, it’s that the two younger ones are young, and the men in my age wheelhouse often have teenagers or college kids and they don’t want to “start over” with little ones.

          Since whether person wants to, or is able to, take on having step kids is a big issue, I am all in favor of getting one’s status as a parent out there in the beginning.  That info may come out in an awkward way, yes, but the women are essentially letting you know so that if you want to opt out, now is a good time before people start developing feelings and getting attached.  If you have ever been in or seen a situation where a S.O. or step-parent resents, hates, or refuses to be involved with their partner’s kids it is usually a bad scene, and it is the kids who bear the brunt of it.

          Although it may be hard to do, be honest with a woman when she tells you she has a kid/kids in a dating situation.  If it’s not your cup of tea, tell her so.  Trust me, we’ve heard it before and we get it. I have met men in my life who had family situations that were deal breakers for me no matter how attracted I was to them.  When this is the case, parting ways early is the best option for everyone involved.

      4. 1.1.4
        ScottH

        Adrian- I asked questions very similar to yours to another columnist and here is an excerpt:  “…Said another way, one of the things a midlife single person should want in a prospective life partner is consciousness! Someone committed to living consciously! Funny to think about adding it to your online dating profile but: “Looking for man/woman who knows his/her neuroses, has working knowledge of how he/she contributed to the demise of their marriage, and has the ability and the willingness to see his/her parents as they really are!”
        If I was writing an online dating profile, I’d add, “Must really like and desire to be a grownup.”
        The goal isn’t to promise yourself only to date people never married and without childhood wounds. The people in your dating pool are mostly divorced and always in some way wounded. No, your goal is to pursue courtships only with people who demonstrate a regular willingness to live consciously and to live accepting radical responsibility for that about which they are willing to be conscious.”
        here is the link if you’d like to read the whole thing.  I am the letter writer to Mr Kalas  http://www.reviewjournal.com/columns-blogs/steven-kalas/we-are-all-walking-wounded

    1. 2.1
      Nissa

      awww, thanks  *blushes*

      1. 2.1.1
        ScottH

        Nissa- I agree.  Your comment is most worthy of being posted on the bathroom mirror.  Very insightful, very wise.  You’ve been on a roll lately.  I will make it a priority to watch the video.  The videos have been really good.

  2. 3
    Caroline

    Great comment Nissa. I find it so true in my own life. I can be so emotionally giving to my family and girlfriends; yet I find myself pulling back at times with my guy. Old hurts I guess. This is also on my radar but it can be so easy to refrain. Not give of oneself. Great reminder and loved the podcast. Embarrassing how many times I’ve listened to it:)

  3. 4
    Elemental

    The Universe is indeed unfolding as it should! This podcast is yet another affirmation that the right information arrives when I’m open to receiving it.

    My marriage ended 20 years ago and left me even more battered, beaten and damaged than I had been going into it. I had some important decisions to make. I had two kids to raise and care for and the way I approached life and living just wasn’t working. I had a sister who’d been through a similar experience and was bitter, cynical, miserable and making one bad decision on top of another. I had some girlfriends in the same boat.

    Nope! That’s not what I wanted for the future. I won’t detail the journey, but in the course of working on me, I discovered abundance and gratitude and the power of both. It took me a while to get there and I will always consider myself a “work in progress,” but I can say with all honesty that I am happy and have been for the past 15 years. Really happy.

    And from my experience, when bad stuff happens, and it will, it’s much easier to navigate the tough times from a core place of happiness.

    I watched and nodded my head as I listened to Alanna speak. I realized listening to the pod cast that I’ve found “my people.” I have wonderful relationships with friends and family and almost exclusively positive day-to-day interactions with everyone. What I haven’t had in the past 20 years is a life partner.

    I chalked that up to not meeting a lot of new people, never mind men, in the past 20 years. It’s no secret that lot’s of people are turning to the web to find love and so, in May 2016 I decided to sign up to an online dating site. And I did it completely ass-backward.

    I was so ill prepared for online dating and consequently it didn’t go very well. So in August I ordered EMK’s “Finding the One Online”. Not long after I placed my order I received a call booking me for a surgery I’d been waiting for for about 6 months. Once the surgery was booked I cancelled my subscriptions to two online dating sites and took my profile down.

    The Universe was setting up the perfect reset period for me. A 1 month pre-op followed by 2 to 3 month recovery period that would allow me to move through EMK’s course, but I didn’t get started right away – my limited experiences early this summer were holding me back – was I really ready for this? And then, 5 days post-op, I received the link to this podcast and had a huge AHA! moment.

    I just need to be who I am with everyone else in my life and I’ll be OK with dating!

    That may seem like a no brainer, but it was the affirmation I needed. I especially loved hearing EMK say if the woman was ready, he could take her through a process to lead to success. After listening to this podcast I realize I’M READY. Hallelujah!

    Still going to wait until I don’t need to nap twice a day to post a new profile, but once again, so grateful to have what I need, yet again.

  4. 5
    Henriette

    Fun podcast, @EMK.  I’m pleased you made sure to note that you thought Allanah’s client who moved in after 5 weeks of dating her long-term pal should slow down.  In interviews like this, it’s easy  ~ in the interest of just staying “on topic” ~ to skip over little verbal asides as though they don’t matter, but I appreciate that you took time to address what others might have just let slip.

    There is a common perception (and, I agree with you, it’s a misperception) that when it comes to finding a life partner, “when it’s right, you just know” and we’re constantly told that, say, getting engaged after 2 months is infinitely more romantic than waiting 2 years.  Stories are powerful; every time we hear of a couple who moved in quickly, as though that is proof of a deep and abiding connection, that myth becomes more deeply ingrained.

    We need more people who ask us to stop, look at the proof (which clearly shows that couples who transition quickly into serious commitments like cohabitation, engagement and marriage are less likely to end up happily-ever-after than those who move at a more measured pace) and reconsider prevailing beliefs.  I know this wasn’t the focus of your conversation with Allana but it’s actually what struck me.  Thank you, Evan.

    1. 5.1
      GoWiththeFlow

      Henriette,

      My grandparent’s “story” was that they met, fell so much in love that they just had to get married right away, then had a very small wedding with only two other couples in attendance because they didn’t have the money for a big wedding.

      The truth:  Shotgun wedding.  My dad was apparently an unusually large premature baby that was born 7 months later.

      1. 5.1.1
        Henriette

        🙂  We have a few of those oh-so-romantic stories in our family, too.  And yes, I know that moving quickly CAN lead to some long-term happy endings,  but in my family there was the more common outcome: misery.

  5. 6
    Adrian (^_^)

    Hello “my” Emily-Wait! Can I legally call you mine? (^_^)

    This podcast is kind of nostalgic for me. A post by Evan about Allana Pratt is the very first time you and I started talking; actually we were at odds over her one of her philosophies.

    I never knew then that you would become one of my favorite commenters. (^_^)

    So now after listening to her podcast interview, I am curious about your stance on her philosophy dealing with keeping a partner sexually attracted.

    I can not remember the specifics but I “think” the gest of our disagreement was because Allana believes that if a man or woman does the sexy things they see their partner longing for; including what attracts them to others while with you, then you give them no reason to stray with their eyes or body.

    If I remember correctly Evan linked an interview of Allana’s wherein she gave the example about a man walking in a mall with his girl but he was checking out another woman (she did not justify the guys roaming eyes), Allana said something like instead of the woman getting mad, a woman should try to copy the thing about that other woman that makes her man look… So for example if she wears short skirts, you should start wearing short skirts.

    I noticed this exact same scenario while sitting at an outside cafe’ downtown a few weeks ago and I asked GoWithTheFlow about it. I noticed that many of the men who were checking out other women, were with partners that dressed so unsexy; loose fitting jeans and a loose fitting shirt, baggy sweatpants, ankle high dresses, etc. But of all the women walking past us, the only women they were sneaking looks at were the women dressed sexually. Ten women with pretty faces could walk by, but if they were dressed unappealing, the guys didn’t look, but if a women dressed in a sexy or form fitting outfit walked by, the men looked-regardless of how attractive her face was.

    This is why I asked GoWithTheFlow about how to broach the topic of asking your partner to dress sexy for you. But unfortunately it seemed the general answer was, if a woman doesn’t dress that way when you first meet her, you already accepted how she dresses when you started to and continued dating her. (-_-)

    However, what I get from Allana’s advice is, a man or woman should want to “adapt” to keep their partner sexually attracted. To quote her “make it so that he wouldn’t care about looking at the sexy girl who just walked by because he knows he has that and more at home.”

    I think? It was honestly so long ago when you and I had that conversation. Anyway, I’m curious to here if your opinion has changed or is it the still the same?

    1. 6.1
      Emily, the original

      Hi Adrian,

      This podcast is kind of nostalgic for me. A post by Evan about Allana Pratt is the very first time you and I started talking; actually we were at odds over her one of her philosophies.

      Damn, you have a good memory! I reread the interchange we had about Allana’s ideas. Tbh, I wasn’t particularly open to the points you were making.

      I can not remember the specifics but I “think” the gest of our disagreement was because Allana believes that if a man or woman does the sexy things they see their partner longing for; including what attracts them to others while with you, then you give them no reason to stray with their eyes or body.

      Hmmm … What does she mean by “sexy things”? Dressing sexy? Role playing?

       

      1. 6.1.1
        Adrian

        Hi Emily,

        I don’t even remember what post that was, nor do I remember the conversation; we both know that I definitely could have been wrong.

        So I am curious as to what if (anything) of Allana’s teachings did you disagree with, not of mine?

        …   …   …

        Loki the tricker god… Nope! Wrong Tom (^_^).

        I resemble Tom Welling, not Tom Hiddleston. Though Welling looks so old now! I didn’t realize that he was 40, I look more like him in his youth, I’m just more muscularly lean and toned.

        There are so many reasons why I wouldn’t date Swift; as an adult I have realized that a person can be attractive and yet you can have (despite genuinely trying) zero sexual attraction for them.

        1. Emily, the original

          Adrian,

          I just looked up Tom Welling. A current photo. I disagree: He is still very handsome.

          I have realized that a person can be attractive and yet you can have (despite genuinely trying) zero sexual attraction for them.

          That’s what I’ve been saying in other posts. Attraction and attractiveness are two different things. They aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, but sometimes a very average-looking man will be much more appealing than the hunkazoid in the room. Attraction is irrational.

          So I am curious as to what if (anything) of Allana’s teachings did you disagree with, not of mine?

          I don’t remember specifically what she said, but you know how you said that a woman talking about her past sexual conquests makes you feel like she’s setting a bar you can’t reach? That’s how a suggestion of mirroring what another woman does feels for me. I am a lot of things, but that’s asking me to be the one thing I can never be: somebody else.

          I read your comments below to GoWiththeFlow, and if it involves dressing sexy or trying out certain things sexually, I don’t have a problem with that. But I am a fair-skinned, blonde woman. If you want a Mila Kunis look-alike, we have a problem.

  6. 7
    GoWiththeFlow

    Evan,

    Thank you and Allana so much for this podcast!  I remembered a post you did awhile ago where you linked to another interview Allana had done and I loved it!   So I was excited when this popped up on my podcast feed.

    I totally agree with the advice to be proactive and be the one who breaks a stalemate by giving more first.  Most people would have little to no problem being proactive to improve their relationship with their child or a good friend, but they resent “having” to do it with their romantic partner.  That’s sad.  And thanks for bringing up Gary Chapman’s book  “The Five Love Languages.”  It’s life changing!

    The part of the interview that really resonated with me was about the power of touch.  Long story short, life brought me to an orphanage in a former soviet Republic several years back.  I visited there five times over two years in a failed attempt to adopt a little girl.

    During the last visit, I and a few other prospective adoptive moms were sitting cross-legged on the floor of the main play room while a bunch of 3-5 year olds played around us.  The girl I was matched with was engaging in typical attachment behavior.  She would come up to me to show me a toy and give me a quick hug, then she would dart off to resume play, glancing back my way every so often to make eye contact.  Some of the other kids would engage with me and the other moms in a similar fashion.

    One little girl eventually came and sat down a few feet away from me.  Gradually she inched closer and closer to my side.  I turned, smiled at her, and held my arms out to her.  She quickly climbed into my lap, wrapped her legs around my waist, her arms around my shoulders and she draped her body over mine and pressed her cheek into my neck.  I held her firmly and very consciously tried to pour all of the love I could draw from within me into her.  Eventually she leaned back and looked me directly in the eye.  The deep longing there just killed me–I’m seriously tearing up just remembering it.  Later that night back at the hotel I talked to the other moms about our day and we all had had the same thought while interacting with the kids:  We’re going to fill them up with as much love as possible while we can.

    That visit, and the whole experience of seeing young children who are deprived of very basic needs for human touch, eye contact, and love changed how I treat people in real life.  After that I committed to touching and hugging my friends and family more and tell them I love them more than I used to because I thought everyone was at least a little love deprived.  I’m an acts of service person (5 Love Languages stuff) so this wasn’t effortless at the beginning.  But because of the dramatic positive reactions I got it quickly became second nature.

    1. 7.1
      Adrian

      GoWithTheFlow,

      That story made me honestly tear up. I could just imagine those little faces. This is why even though I do a lot of volunteer work, I refuse to volunteer time (I have no problem giving money) to children. Especially small, dying or emotionally starved children.

      I know it is selfish, but I can’t handle it. I did it once when I was 19, volunteered for an event at a hospital for terminally ill infants and toddlers. I couldn’t bare it seeing such young faces suffering-every time they smiled, my heart broke again so hard.

      …   …   …

      …   …

       

      I’ll ask you the same thing I asked Emily, what is your take on Allana’s doing things to keep your partner interested philosophy?

      You can read the summary up in the message I sent to Emily, but the question I asked you previously concerning dressing sexy was based off of that scenario.

      You and Nissa explained to me that, “a person pretty much accepted their partner’s level of trying to be sexy for them (how they dress, what they do in the bedroom, etc) within the first few months of when they first started dating.” So I am curious what parts of Allana’s philosophy do you agree with and disagree with (Of course I could be the one wrong; I could be the one who is taking her teachings out of context).

      Because it seemed that she was saying that if I always caught my girlfriend staring at guys who wear short shorts or staring at guys who were muscular, or if I always caught my girl watching porn of guys who did x,y, and z (she wasn’t telling men or women to do things that were unsafe or that they felt was degrading, but she was encouraging people to leave their comfort zone to make a person happy); I should emulate those things to keep the interest of my partner.

      So with the risk of becoming redundant, do you think a person has the right to ask their partner to dress or (in the bedroom) act more sexy/sexual for them? If that person refuses, would they be wrong for leaving an otherwise good relationship over it?

      I hear men complain about the importance of receiving certain sexual acts or preferences so much! Regardless of what the woman is already doing for him in and out of bed sexually; I just wanted a woman’s take on it.

      1. 7.1.1
        GoWiththeFlow

        Adrian,

        I hear you on how hard it is emotionally to spend time with hurt and suffering children.  There’s a reason I didn’t go into pediatric oncology.  But, God Bless and all positive karma to those people who devote themselves to care for them.  If there is a heaven, I hope there is a special place in it just for them!

        Moving along. . . “what is your take on Allana’s doing things to keep your partner interested philosophy?

        I have listened to this podcast or sections of it several times and the part where she talks about “keeping your partner interested” is brief and it’s connected to her larger message about an open positive attitude and energy.

        Allana’s message was about being loving and accepting about yourself, and valuing your WHOLE self, your sexuality and nurturing side as well as your intelligence and industriousness.  When a woman is secure enough with herself, including her “wobbly” areas, then her cup is overflowing with enough to really give to someone else.  That a woman’s sexiness is about more than what she wears, it’s about the energy she exudes.  (I think Allana could wear a potato sack and she would still exude openness, love, and sexiness 😉  )

        So maybe when you say you want a woman to dress sexier for you is it really about the clothes or do you want her to BE sexier for you?  Your partner could put on thong underwear,  a very revealing short, snug dress , and stiletto heels.  If she FEELS uncomfortable in this outfit (negative energy), she is not going to exude sexiness. The trick is that it has to be an outfit that makes the woman feel good about herself that her own innate sexual confidence comes out.

        When Allana talked about her coupled up male coaching clients, she talked about what a negative loop they were in with their partners.  They felt their women acted like men.  But they emotionally shut down and did not know how to support or bring out their partner’s feminine side.  Let’s put that together with what was discussed about touch.

        Men in our society are deprived of affectionate nurturing touch and crave it from the woman in their lives.  While women in general, I believe, do get more affectionate touch in general than men do (from their friends and children for example) Allana pointed out that many women don’t touch themselves or are touched by others in a loving sensual manner that’s just about affection without an agenda.  She had a quick quip about masturbating to please a partner versus just for oneself.

        So instead of asking your girlfriend or wife to dress sexier for you, maybe you can help create an environment where she will feel sexier around you.  Holding hands, a good hug before you part ways, telling her she looks radiant when she smiles.  If this helps to fill her cup to overflowing, then when she sees that you notice women with a certain clothing or hairstyle, she may feel secure and loving enough that she wants to put the effort in to please you and will accommodate your tastes since she knows you love her and her efforts will be appreciated.

         

        1. Adrian

          Hi GoWithTheFlow,

          You said, “The trick is that it has to be an outfit that makes the woman feel good about herself that her own innate sexual confidence comes out.”

          I palm smacked my forehead when I read this. I was like Ahhh, why didn’t I see this (O_o)!

          Great point! It’s not all about me!

          GoWithTheFlow, you know… besides Karmic Equation, you would probably be the only commenter that I would not want to meet in person.

          I think I would be too busy trying to impress you to actually relax. As you said, if I was only 20 years younger… no wait; that wouldn’t be legal, was it, if only you were 20 years older? (^_^)

          …   …   …

          The only thing I would add to what you said is that there should be a willingness to meet in the middle when it comes to fulling a partners sexual desires.

          My limited anecdotal experience along with the innumerable stories I have heard about both men and women in long-term relationships not knowing how to please their partners sexually does show that many people do NOT make an effort to satisfy their partner sexually.

          But only because most people think the act of having sex is the same as exciting your partner sexually. I loved Evan’s story in the podcast “the 13 questions to ask before marriage” where he stated that when he was single all he thought about was sex, but a few years after he got married and only had sex with the same person over and over, sex became less important.

          So sometimes it is not always about dressing a certain way as you said and comfort is important; however, I think it is the willingness to want to turn your partner on that is the key

        2. GoWiththeFlow

          Hey Adrian!

          “. . . you would probably be the only commenter that I would not want to meet in person.  I think I would be too busy trying to impress you to actually relax.”

          Awww, that makes me sad 🙁    And trust me, you have already impressed me 🙂

          As for you being 20 years younger. . . yeah now that would make me criminally perverted!  Think I’ll stick with my plan to set you up with my 27 year old niece 😉

          “My limited anecdotal experience along with the innumerable stories I have heard about both men and women in long-term relationships not knowing how to please their partners sexually does show that many people do NOT make an effort to satisfy their partner sexually.”

          Also remember that many people have real difficulty communicating about sex.  They may easily be able to resolve issues with chore sharing, money, and kids, but they never really talk about sex.  I think the trick is that a couple needs to start discussing sex in the beginning when things are usually very good sex wise since they’re running on chemistry.  Then hopefully if things start not going so well, those lines of communication have already been opened up and used.

          Of course, as you say, both partners have to want the other to be happy and satisfied with their sex life to be willing to work on it.

           

  7. 8
    John

    In the past 30 years, the average person overshares too quickly. I think it is called “the Oprah Effect.” The average person goes on Oprah and “tells all” to an audience of strangers. I wrote on another thread of Evan’s website about how women I’ve dated have overshared too fast. There were a couple of people who told me they didn’t know anyone like this. Really? Our culture has a problem with basic boundaries. I’ve had people over share with me often. Fast sex, swipe right if you think he/she is hot and making relationship-building too efficient makes a trusting, LTR tough to create.

  8. 9
    FG

    From my standpoint, there is NO such thing as oversharing where and when I am the recipient. It miraculously “cuts to the chase”, reveals immediately what I can expect (what I’m facing?? 0_o ) and makes my choices more judicious. Prevents going on 10-12 dates with a woman when we have zero chance of a LTR, Some would disagree. But cards on the table is a breath of fresh air.

    partner) time. All in all, it is considerate, although it may appear to oforward, too revealing or too blunt.

    We live in an era where diversity is widespread. In the 40s, 50s and 60s, people much more readily conformed to a standardized model, and the divergent were fewer in numbers (and thus, much more notable or obvious). The indicators of being different or having lived / experienced in a different way can be obviously visible, or be undetectable below the surface.

    Hangups, inhibitions or barriers are easier to deal with when they are known. Best avoid another person’s landmines.

    A capacity to communicate is essential to establish rapport and to really know one another. When telling a funny anecdote to a woman my age (mid 50s) recently, I also told her the reason for the telling. The point of the story is? Finding it funny, or not. Grasping that it is off-script, and that the most brilliant moments in life often are.Knowing that anyone who does NOT find it funny would make a very awkward partner and worse yet, likely a bad mismatch for me.

    So oversharing may really be a boon, a time-saver, and a quick compatibility check.

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