How to Be a Great Partner and Create Unconditional Love
Let’s face it: most relationships fail before they hit the altar. That’s okay. Dating requires a lot of trial and error. But what happens when you find someone special? How should you treat him? How should he treat you? What can you do to ensure the long-term success of your relationship? In this Love U Podcast, I’m going to tell you how to embody the habits of the happiest marriages.
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Hi Evan- I appreciate your videos and the great information you provide but just wanted to provide a little feedback- any chance you can make your videos around 15 minutes or less? It would greatly help (me) to watch them. I know you don’t add unnecessary fluff. Thanks.
Thanks for your feedback. It’s a fair request, but unlikely. The original format was two 12 minute segments on one topic. Then I decided that if I was on a roll, I didn’t want to stop after 12 minutes, so I’ve loosened up and my podcasts have been closer to a half-hour. In the future, I will be coaching clients and interviewing guests, so I’d guess my stuff will last longer rather than shorter. Hope you still find reason to tune in.
On-air coaching? Sounds awesome! Looking forward to those segments.
Your advice is amazing! I’m so glad you are “on a roll.” You’re making a huge difference!
Hi ScottH,
I’m the opposite, wish the podcast were longer. I usually let it play in the background while I’m cleaning or something.
Hi Scott,
I bluetooth my phone to my car stereo. So I often listen to Evan’s (and others’) videos on the way to/from work.
Of course, make sure you have a good data plan if you do that.
I’ve had issues downloading Evan’s podcasts, so I don’t listen that way, but if his podcasts download and play properly for you, you can avoid the streaming data costs (I think).
Thanks Evan–this is timely for me since I’m in that exact situation, of (finally) finding someone special, and wanting to fortify our relationship even more. I actually don’t think any of us should stop growing and learning about love, even after finding someone. Not to say a relationship is “work”, but it still takes effort to sustain it.
No relationship is ever completely perfect, since no human beings are perfect. But I think the good relationships are ones where both parties, overall, get their core needs met. I have found that the key has been compromising on (and not sweating) the “small” stuff–while maintaining healthy boundaries on the “big” stuff.
I learned a lot by observing my guy with his mother. She’s the one who (like many other mothers) will nag him over every little thing, big or small. After a while, he has gotten so used to her nagging that he’s gotten numb to it, letting it go in one ear and out the next. I learned not to be that and to really let certain things go if it’s not a big dealbreaker.
That has enabled me to get my needs met on the “big” stuff. My guy has seen that I let 99% of things slide…so in the 1% of the time I really do draw a hard line in the sand, that really grabs his attention. He has seen that most things usually don’t bug me that much. He knows something must be a really big deal, for me to be speaking out. That really is the key, separating the wheat from the chaff.
Classic joke I heard a father-of-the-bride say one time at my work –
“You know, your mother and I, we’ve been married a long time now. And the secret to our success is that right from the beginning we made an agreement. We decided to split the decisions between us so that your mother would make all the small decisions and I would make all the big decisions. And it works very well. Your mother makes a lot of small decisions. But you know, it’s funny – in all the time we’ve been married, there have been no big decisions. 😛
LOL! Maybe that’s the way to do it. 🙂 As they say, a happy wife is a happy life!
Evan, I found this podcast to be most informational and definitely spot on! You covered all the points that are so necessary for a good relationship. It is all about the give and take. I have learned so much from you. I have been reading all of your blogs even prior to your marriage to your wonderful wife. I personally didn’t think you would ever get married. Lo and behold, Evan found “the one”. Hey, that gave me so much hope. It really does help when you explain how you and your wife help each other and sometimes have to commit to something that neither of you really wants to do but do it because you have a great love for each other. Absolutely loved this podcast!
By the way, I think I have finally found that special guy. He is all that you say a good man should be. Kind, considerate, caring and always planning the next date. As you always say, one must step outside the box and you might find that height and hair does not matter at all! So it is in this case! Thank you Evan!
This podcast brings three things to mind:
1) E, I like your podcast music, it is light and memorable without being annoying. I was pleased that you removed the fountain you had on in the background for early podcasts as it distracted a bit.
2) It would be interesting to discuss what metric you and your wife use in your negotiations for what constitutes a viable compromise. I think a lot of people either have different metrics and don’t realize it, or don’t have experience in finding the other person’s metric so that a common frame can be utilized. Insecure people especially have difficulty because what ‘feels right’ is so often actually just controlling behavior.
3) I think a lot of people, especially women, have confusion that having boundaries and being nice are two different things. Possibly they just don’t have experience in holding boundaries and only hold them appropriately when they are angry & thus conflate the two. Therefore they never realize that holding boundaries makes it possible for you to be nice, because you know you will only agree to things that are inconvenient, instead of agreeing to things that feel outside of your boundaries.
Evan,
Just listened to the podcast. What I found really interesting is that a lot of your advice to create unconditional love in a romantic LTR/marriage parallels a lot of advice in adoption parenting books/material on becoming more bonded to or connected with your child. Letting go of the small stuff, focusing on the big stuff. Trying to be sensitive to their “hot buttons” and how they will react, then choosing words and behavior wisely. Being calm and trying to see their perspective when there is a disagreement. Say yes when you can. Understand and validate their feelings when you must say no anyway.
At the end of the podcast you mentioned that their are people who will maintain that there is no such thing as unconditional love in a relationship. A good exercise for them would be to apply these concepts to other (non-boyfriend girlfriend, marriage) relationships in their lives. I bet they will see an improvement. Awhile back, I started to do some of these things with my adult son: I stopped “advising” him to quit smoking every chance I got. I listened without interrupting. I listened to what he said without jumping back at him with a judgement. Not only does he come around me more (which I think means he’s happier with our interactions) but I am happier with him in general. I have seen relationships with friends, other relatives, and coworkers improve as well.
Hi Evan,
I love your no nonsense style. Sometimes it hurts but I guess that is my clue you have hit a sore spot that needs attending to!
Would you consider a link to a transcript for your podcasts? I comprehend much better reading rather than listening to new information.
Thanks so much if you are able 🙂
Hugs, Karla
I have understanding of the ring she wanted my opinion is the same as yours not thinking of his feelings only her dimond i would say to him i lid of a can or registry office or what he can afford he wants me to move in with him and ask me about 1 year to marry i said yes i would one day at a time taking things slow end of year i will move in together 55 his 62 we are lay back people im not needy
Lisening to your words about dimond ring she was wrong selfish my man is 62 i am 55 ill be moving in end of the year he ask me in 12 months will i marry i said yes he said hell get a ring i said a lif off a can and registry office is ok if cant afford its not about how much expensive its about feelings ive never been married it is about honesty loyalty understanding giving of yourself with how you feel within its taking me 55 years for this man that god put us together i belive i am ready to love and marry he ask me im not needy
Very helpful. Thanks, Evan
Fabulous advice as always Evan.
I’ve been reading your blogs religiously ever since 2013, I am but one of many people who endlessly soak up your advise and praise your common sense in my head while showing all my friends, but I have never gotten a chance to comment – why am I so lazy at that? Don’t know. I wanted to send a comment your way to say you are absolutely killing it, nailing it on the head. I am a better girlfriend because of YOU and I have had quality partners ever since reading your blogs, now I’m with the one, the peaceful love that brings no fear into my life, just never ending/comfortable/ecstatic joy.
Keep doing the good you are doing, your hard work is loved by thousands of people and I hope you get your own show one day, I hope all your aspirations for your career come true. Believe in you buddy, thank god you are still writing so I can be a big fat blob in my bed reading your work and all the crazy comments baha.
Cheers