Is Dating an Older Man a Bad Idea?

Most women I work with do NOT like older men. Older men aren’t attractive. Older men look like Grandpa or Dad. Older men can’t keep up with you. Older men have no energy. Older men have erectile dysfunction. Older men are on their last legs and are looking for a nurse with a purse. I hear you. The problem is that these are stereotypes and stereotypes are only partially true. On this Love U Podcast, I’m doing to explain what it looks like to date an older man and why the rewards are often worth it. Stick around.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    ezamuzed

    @Emily

    It is NOT a given for everyone that you are dating other people, and it is certainly NOT a given that you are sleeping with multiple people. But in this case my date didn’t just bring this up out of the blue. She mentioned to me that she was walking in a park earlier, which surprised me because it would have been during work hours and so I asked her what she was doing there, thinking maybe she was just taking a work break. That is when she told me that she was on a date. I wouldn’t normally ask such things. The night before she was silent the whole evening and didn’t message me back until the late morning so I assumed she was on a date and possibly sleeping with someone the night before. But I would never ask.It was just so great to hear her being completely honest with me. And it makes me think that she would be very honest in a relationship.

    For the ex-girlfriend when we first started dating she told me she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. But a month and a half in after sex one afternoon she demanded that we be in a relationship or she would end things or at least not sleep together anymore. It took me by surprise but that was fine. I opened up about where I was at and asked her the same. I told her I thought we should wait because I had a bunch of trips coming up and wouldn’t be able to see her much. I said to be completely honest I was likely going to be hooking up on those trips too. She was really upset about that comment but did tell me she understood because months earlier she was hooking up. In the course of that conversation it came up if there was anyone else she was seeing and she said no. A few days later we became official at which time we talked about unprotected sex. We both said it has been a while since we slept with anyone else and we had no symptoms so we decided to proceed without protection. She had also gotten tested the week before. Well it turned out the day that she confronted me about being boyfriend and girlfriend she had actually slept with someone else hours earlier, the evening before. So not only did she lie to me about there not being anyone else. She put my sexual health at risk because she couldn’t be sure she hadn’t picked up anything since she slept with the guy after getting her STD test.

  2. 22
    Emily, to

    ezamused,
    “It is NOT a given for everyone that you are dating other people, and it is certainly NOT a given that you are sleeping with multiple people. ”
    It’s not a given but you should just assume so. It saves you (universal you) the trauma of thinking you’re the only one and finding out otherwise. One should never assume anything.
    “But I would never ask. It was just so great to hear her being completely honest with me.”
    She could have just told you she was out with a friend. She didn’t need to tell you she was on a date. To me, it’s tacky. It’s like going on a date with someone and openly flirting with someone else. Or telling your date what other people in the room you find hot. It’s not a conversation you need to be having. But that’s just my opinion.
    Yes, agreed about your ex-girlfriend. She withheld information she shouldn’t have.

  3. 23
    Mrs Happy

    I often dated 10 years older, sometimes up to nearly 20 years when in my 20s, until I married each time. Looking back, one of the advantages was in the sexual experience I gained being with older men. They were without exception a better sexual match for me, much better in bed than guys my age, until I reached my mid 30’s. One of the myriad advantages of being female is that I’ve been able to experience relationships with older men in a socially acceptable way, and learn a lot from them; learn a lot about life in general, actually.

    I suspect this sexual advantage peaks, plateaus and then declines after a certain age (age of both the female and male) though. Past a certain age, I’m not likely to learn much more, and he is not going to be able to keep up with me.

  4. 24
    Emily, to

    Hi Mrs H,
    When I was 24, I had sex with a 40-year-old man to see if older men were different. TBH, there was no difference at all. Same basic script. 🙂

  5. 25
    ezamuzed

    Mrs Happy- there are so many young woman, like your younger self, willing to date older men that it ends up creating this age imbalance in dating with middle age that so many woman find frustrating. I just turned 50 and I’ve been newly single for just over 3 months. In that time I’ve had dates, flings and sex with maybe 3 dozen woman and not a single one was as old as me or older. Most have been in the range of 5-10 years younger but I’ve had dates and flings with as young as 22. I feel bad for the woman in my age range but since I can so easily fill up my dance card with younger women I won’t even give them the time of day.

    As for “keeping up with me” I exercise and eat well almost every single day so I find that most younger woman still have trouble keeping up with me.

  6. 26
    Emily, to

    ezamused,
    “since I can so easily fill up my dance card with younger women I won’t even give them the time of day.”
    And we’re ok with that. We aren’t going out to mass protest.

  7. 27
    Mrs Happy

    Dear ETO @ #24,
    all I can say is ….. maybe I was luckier? Or had lower standards (doubt it, I’m a demanding woman)? Or ….. you needed a higher sample size?

    Dear ezamuzed @ #25,
    nobody alters their individual behaviour for the good of the larger population group unless they’re getting something out of it. Both you and I were/are suiting ourselves and doing what we want to do. This is standard script for humans, animals, most living things, so I don’t think you feel too bad.

    You may have slept with more men than I have, idk, but my experience is that as men age, the frequency of sexual difficulties increases, despite how much exercise and good food is thrown into the mix, though of course health is a robust protector. The sad reality is that basic physiology and anatomy alters with age, and usually not for the better. I still state, there’s going to be an age threshold beyond which there’s no extra to be gained in me having significantly older, and an age at which I’ll get a better sexual experience going for my age or younger.

    I was having my formative sexual experiences with men whose initial 5 -10 -15 – 20 years of their own sexual experiences were before easy-internet-porn availability. Their experience was largely gained with partners. Their ratio of (time with female partners IRL giving numerous messages about what feels good) : (time spent watching porn and absorbing its messages about what women are faking they like, for a male audience) was high. This is like gold, for my pleasure, and something that almost all women younger than me will, forevermore, sadly, not get.

  8. 28
    jo

    Emily, your comment made me snort coffee. 😉

    OK, more seriously, I don’t think an older partner – either male or female – is a bad thing unless the age gap means you are incompatible in some way: physically, culturally (there are real generational gaps, and if you like doing things together and talking about things you both know, this can be a challenge), expectations of gender roles in a relationship and who does what, etc. As I think we’ve all experienced on here, finding compatibility is difficult enough on its own, and an age gap can increase that difficulty – but it doesn’t have to. There is so much variance in every generation: how we relate to the opposite (or same) sex, what we like, how fit we are, and our ability to compromise and make changes.

  9. 29
    Emily, to

    Dear Mrs. H,
    “all I can say is ….. maybe I was luckier? Or had lower standards (doubt it, I’m a demanding woman)? Or ….. you needed a higher sample size?”
    Well, in my late 20s I was with a guy who was in his early 40s. Again, no discernible difference. And if the sex isn’t any better and I didn’t want a relationship, why not hang out with someone my own age who, let’s be frank, looks better and with whom I have more in common. All of us are ripe peaches in our 20s. 🙂 Notice I’m writing in the present tense as if I’m still in my 20s. 🙂

  10. 30
    Emily, to

    Jo,
    I was just disputing the idea that sex with older men is better. Granted, my sample is very small. I just don’t think age has anything to do with it.

  11. 31
    jo

    Don’t worry Emily, most of my comment was thoughts on the subject as a whole. I was just laughing at your comment about how we non-20s women are not rushing out to mass-protest an older bragging man (again). 😉

  12. 32
    Emily, to

    Jo,
    ” I was just laughing at your comment about how we non-20s women are not rushing out to mass-protest an older bragging man (again). ”
    Oh, I thought you meant another comment. Most people learn by about … what? … 25 or 30 (maybe earlier) that most of the world (read: 99.9%) doesn’t really care what you do. Except for maybe your mom and your boss b/c he doesn’t want to do your job. 🙂

  13. 33
    ezamuzed

    Emily, to- it would be pretty insecure of anyone to come here to brag to a screen full of text. I assume we are all here because we are very interested in dating dynamics between men and woman. I believe it is valuable to share my recent experience here. Despite all the age discrepancies in my recent dating life. I’ll likely be with a woman around my age very shortly. I just proposed pandemic exclusively with a 46 year old woman and she agreed. I wouldn’t be surprised if this turns into something long term.

  14. 34
    Mrs Happy

    Dear ETO @ 30,

    Perhaps number of sexual partners might have something to do with sexual skill when considering men? I don’t know how much that applies in reverse, for men having sex with women, other than, women more into sex who really enjoy it, might have more partners, so that will be a big confounder. My first 3 (male) partners were virgins, and, frankly, looking back, the sex was below average. They were young, and maybe I’m correlating youth with inexperience.

    When I compare the men I’ve had sex with aged in their teens or twenties, with the men aged 30s and 40s, no matter how old I was each time, the older guys were stand-out better across the board. To the point that, after I was about 24-25, I never bothered with anyone who wasn’t well into his 30s or 40s again. I was always having a relationship with them, though, and admittedly I was looking for things other than sexual skill. Forty nine is my oldest though. I suspect the graph declines at some point.

  15. 35
    Emily, to

    Mrs. Happy
    “My first 3 (male) partners were virgins, and, frankly, looking back, the sex was below average. They were young, and maybe I’m correlating youth with inexperience.”
    Virgins I wouldn’t even put on the playing field until they got some experience beyond the first few times. I don’t know what you mean by skilled. Someone who can get you off? The definition probably changes depending on the woman. The two men I’ve had the best sex with were 22 and 34. I was really attracted to them, I liked the way they kissed me and the fact that they were really aggressive and didn’t need to be prompted. That combination is very hard to find. 🙂 I am guessing (?) your definition of skilled is different.

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