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  1. 1
    Malika

    I really enjoyed this podcast! When i discuss your ideas with friends, most of the time they have an ‘aha moment’. The idea that hard work is different from effort is the one they struggle most with. I must say it took me a while to internalize the difference. Society largely tells us that relationships take compromise and hard work without adding the caveat that it must be a compromise that you are willing to make and that hard work in relationships is there to make up a high incompatibility. If i’m in a relationship with a dominant man, listening and empathising is gruelling. If i’m in a relationship with a more laidback man it suddenly becomes motivating and therefore easy. It’s taken me years to see the difference, but i now avoid hard work like the plague.

    That’s why i think the second caller will probably find her relationship with the richer man hard work, even though he can take her around Europe. Exotic travel can become 24-hour hard work if we perceive our travel partner as needy and unstable.

  2. 2
    ScottH

    I see the healthy work in relationships as dealing with “my” issues and the laborious work as dealing with “our” issues.   Those of us who are not of the secure style will have to work on our own issues so as not to create “our” issues.   I think it was on this site where there was a blurb to the effect that “the problem isn’t the problem;   how you deal with the problem determines if there’s a problem.”   The example of Evan’s wife suggesting that he do something for himself   was a great positive and productive way of not creating an unnecessary problem.   Some people would take their partner’s situation personally when they shouldn’t, thereby creating a problem, and not doing that is the kind of work they need to engage in.   It doesn’t mean there is a problem with the relationship.   It means they have personal development work to do to become a more secure person, if only they can see it as an opportunity for their own development (and most don’t).

    1. 2.1
      KK

      I agree, ScottH. I liked the way Evan’s wife handled that as well. A super sensitive person that takes everything personally wouldn’t have handled it properly, which would’ve compounded the situation. Instead of your spouse noticing that you’re irritable and suggesting something fun, now you have to reassure and comfort your spouse on top of still being frustrated and irritable. Ask me how I know. Lol.

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