How to Stop Men From Walking All Over You

It’s the curse of the nice girl. You fall in love. He seems great. Slowly, but surely, his mask slips and you see his true colors: he’s selfish, stubborn, temperamental, critical and mean. You still love him, you remember him at his best, but you have no idea how you fell so far in this relationship. In this Love U Podcast, I’m going to help you enforce healthy boundaries from the very beginning so that you’re nobody’s doormat ever again.


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Comments:

  1. 1
    Danika

    Amazing…….  I am doing already this because I love myself and so the need to be heard and understood positively is purely because I am a positive person!  I don’t sweat the small stuff and I WONT deal with the low stuff.

    His advice is spot on ladies…… I am actually studying how to be with men – because they are fascinating and amazing people.  (The ones who are connected inside I find are the best) X

  2. 2
    Emma

    Yes! Amazing and timely and appropriate as always. Thank you so much Evan.

  3. 3
    Adrian

    Evan stated, “Breaking up with someone should take 10 seconds.”  HA! I wish!

     

    Usually with me, they try to:

    ->convince me to that I am wrong

    ->over criticize and blame themselves

    ->cry

    ->get angry, and verbally attack my character

    ->accuse me of having another women

    ->they offer me sex

    ->and on the rare occasion they just say okay, and walk away.

     

    All those women have not been girlfriends, just women whom I went on a few dates with. These experiences led me to understand why many men AND women breakup over text (though I have never done it myself).

     

    Evan once did a great post on what to say when you want to break up with someone, but I haven’t been able to find it. He has a great line in it that starts off telling the reader that no one wants to hear their flaws as the reason you are dumping them; does anyone know that post? It’s an old one.

     

    I’m sure many of you all have been on first dates and at the end you had to have the awkward no thanks conversation, what did you say?

     

    I always feel so guilty, that I usually end up giving them all another chance; I don’t even think about having sex with any of them for fear that they will say I lied to them or used them. Though fortunately, as of yet, I have not had the Tom Cruise broken nose breakup from Jerry Maguire (^_^).

    …   …   …

    I like the boundries idea as to why men and women choose bad boys or b*tches to date, but I think it is simpler than that. Most younger men and women crave excitement and adventure; everyone wants a great story to tell. Most nice men and women are boring, actually most people are boring.

     

    The fantasy is to have someone pull you out of your shell, you know that you are boring, but you refuse to date someone who is boring. Well, that is my hypothesis anyway.

     

    There is a thin line between confidence and arrogance; confident men and women are so much fun to be around.

    I use to think it was BS when relationship experts, and coaches said that confidence is more attractive than good looks, but now I see the truth in it. Okay looks but someone who is fun, always makes you smile, and constantly gives you side splitting laughter, will trump, someone with a hot body, a beautiful face, but boring to be around any day.

     

    1. 3.1
      Christine

      Really Adrian? For goodness sakes, I feel like shaking those women and asking, where is their pride?  At least to a guy’s face, I stayed calm and took it in stride.  90% of the time, I wasn’t quite feeling it either.  I even honestly told them that I felt the same way about the lack of chemistry and/or compatibility.

      Sometimes they were relieved and grateful that I was taking it so well.  At other times, they were taken aback.  You’d think they wouldn’t care what I thought of them, since they didn’t want to be with me.  I guess it was somehow still a blow to their ego to basically hear “well, I’m not that into you either”.  I suppose they wanted me to eat my heart out LOL.  Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Even for the other 10% of the time I was genuinely disappointed, I saved any tears or moping for afterwards, and just did it privately.

      Confidence and healthy boundaries really are necessary.  Even the most stunning face will lose its appeal eventually, as you get used to looking at it (and as it ages).  Once the looks fade, there needs to be something else left that’s more long lasting.

      1. 3.1.1
        Adrian

        Christina and Stacy

        Jeez! Whose side are you two on! (^_^)

         

        It’s not like I got off on breaking up with these women. How was punishing myself and feeling guilty for not being attracted to someone, or feeling like scum for days just because my decision to not stay with someone whom I knew that I wouldn’t be happy with, caused them to cry.

        I need to go back and re-read my comment, I guess I said somewhere in it that I needed some kind of pat on the back and this was something to brag about?

         

        Yes, the pride of these poor women, and my satisfaction from taking it…. ok (O_o)

         

        And Thank You both for answering my question (^_^)

        …   …   …

        Hi Malika,

        These were not long term girlfriends, or even short term girlfriends.  I agree with you, no matter how politely you do it, if the person had feelings for you or a fantasy built up around you, they will not like being dumped.

         

        Christina, made a great point about those who don’t care about you, but just don’t like their ego’s being hurt. Or you have people who have believed that they were the perfect catch for so long, that of course the fault is with you, in you dumped them.

         

    2. 3.2
      Malika

      Breaking up a long term relationship is going to involve more than ten seconds, but the point Evan is making is that it is one action: Have the conversation and be done with it.

      The cliches are true: Keep the criticism out of the conversation unless they expressly ask for it and even then verbalize it tactfully.

      I have broken off dating with two guys last year. Both of them I had been dating for two to three months. With one I just stated that i didn’t feel what i needed to feel to proceed further. That wasn’t the whole story, there was a whole host of red flags that made me want to flee, but I didn’t think it was going to benefit either of us by providing him with a comprehensive overview of my ‘Hell, No’s’. He was disappointed but took it like a gentleman and we even drank a glass of wine to celebrate the two months we were together.

      With the second one I told him about the reasons. His appartment was a shrine to his former relationship and he had just exited a fifteen year relationship weeks before he met me and was fast forwarding our dating phase while dealing with his feelings about his ex. I couched the breaking off in ‘I feel within this situation’ sentences but to no avail. He told me I was stupid and throwing away my chance at happiness and walked away from me mid sentence.

       

      Lesson learnt? ‘Just not feeling it ‘makes break ups so much easier.

      1. 3.2.1
        CaliforniaGirl

        I’ve met a guy last year at the party, we talked a lot and exchanged phone numbers. We started as friends and saw each other 2-3 times a month for 7 months. At some point we started to talk few times a week and saw each other every week. Then we had sex and the guy disappeared for a week. Not a text or a call, nothing. I was really surprised but decided to give him a chance. For the next two months, he only texted/called me once a week to arrange a date on Friday or Saturday but that was it. If not for Evan, I’d probably continue this better than nothing arrangement but after his next text asking if I want to see a movie on Saturday, I replied that I don’t feel like being once a week girl and we should probably discuss it. What was the guy’s reaction? Nothing. He just never replied me back. I am glad I saw who he is early and this blog helped me not to be upset about it.

    3. 3.3
      Stacy

      I would NEVER give a man who broke up with me that much ‘satisfaction’ other than walking away with my head held high with a simple ‘okay’. I don’t understand these people but it’s not only women. I broke up with a guy a while ago who STILL sends me texts almost daily saying that he misses me and is asking for a second chance.

    4. 3.4
      Christine

      Adrian, I wasn’t actually trying to criticize you–and I do feel bad for those women because I’ve been there and done that.  But I also can’t help thinking that they needed to grow a backbone.  Yes, I know that it can be painful to deal with romantic disappointment and believe me, I’ve been there and done that.  However, I’m with Stacy and don’t understand these women and why they carried on like that.

      1. 3.4.1
        Adrian

        Christine and Stacey,

         

        Actually, I am the one who should apologize. I have read enough of your post to know that attacking isn’t your style on here Christine.

         

        It was Stacy’s comment that kind of really irritated me, but as she has said before, she is passionate about certain issues. I again was at fault for mistaking her passion for derisiveness; so I apologize to her as well.

         

        Neither of you are wrong for wanting these women to… skip and whistle while they walk away (^_^).

        …   …   …

        Though I will give some advice, feel free to ignore it.

         

        Sometimes when a man comes to you about a concern of his, it never hurts to acknowledge his concerns, show you support him, and THEN go in with your… criticism (^_^), or change the subject to what it is that you wish to talk about. Sometimes, you have to be aware of who you should be supporting at certain times.

         

        I didn’t comment to speak about those women, and wasn’t glorying in their rejection. I just had a question and wanted some opinions, I am happy that you both wanted to defend women, and I will be right along beside you doing so. But at that moment it was me, not them seeking your help and support.

         

        Oh well, as I said, you can ignore it. I don’t have the experience or years on my back to really give advice as many of the older commenters; and again I apologize for my snideness (^_^).

        1. Sarak

           

           

          Most younger men and women crave excitement and adventure; everyone wants a great story to tell.  Could be accurate.  However, sometimes younger men, not trying to single anyone out, can be really difficult to be in relationships with.  My ex was not good at all, but that is a different story.

           

          Usually with me, they try to:

          ->convince me to that I am wrong

          ->over criticize and blame themselves

          ->cry

          ->get angry, and verbally attack my character

          ->accuse me of having another women

          ->they offer me sex

          ->and on the rare occasion they just say okay, and walk away.

          This comment is everything.  Haven’t the best of us been here.  I have.

      2. 3.4.2
        GoWiththeFlow

        Yep, I would save my emotional blow out for my girlfriends.  And I returned the favor to them in their time of need.  In fact I would say not losing your s#!t during a breakup is girl code 101.

  4. 4
    Donna

    The problem is some women start out full of confidence and esteem and by the end of the relationship the man has all but destroyed that with his poor treatment of her and then has the audacity to complain that you are acting like a doormat.

    1. 4.1
      Kathy

      So very true!

      The new guy  has new games so we just simply

      can not catch up. The variety of games is just huge . You stop one and a brand new one is popping up.

       

    2. 4.2
      Stacy

      Then why did she stay accepting this poor treatment?

      As soon as I glimpse poor treatment, I’m gone. I admit it took some time to learn this but seeing situations at face value helps. My philosophy is, the heart will always try to deceive. Think with your head first. Your heart doesn’t have to line up with your head says if your head says otherwise and your head is usually right before the heart.

  5. 5
    KK

    As usual, Evan has great insight and has given sound advice. What I wonder about though, is how to weed out the really bad guys; the liars and cheaters… I’ve found that if someone really wants to deceive you, they can. You can date for a couple of years, marry, and not find out for many more years who you’re actually married to.

    1. 5.1
      Malika

      The type of person who can artfully deceive you are few and far between. Not even professional actors can keep up a mask 24/7. I have found that people show their colours early on. A temperamental person will start to flare up once they have come down from the pink cloud that is the idealised start phase of the relationship, a dismissive person will start to respond erraticaly to you, a narcissist will blow hot and cold… All these behaviours show up pretty quickly.

      As an example, I dated someone last year who at first tried to impress me. He came accross as the ideal man, the girl everyone would want to date. But by date three, little things started to creep in which made me pause for thought. Negative comments on the whole of womankind, criticisms about my behaviour (he really took issue because i didn’t bike as quickly as he did!), sighing really heavily when I said I wanted to take it slow in the bedroom and repeatedly trying to change my mind instead of accepting my boundaries. These little things started to pile up, and it became clear that the ideal man wasn’t nearly as wonderful as he made himself out to be. After two months, I exited, realizing that it was only going to get worse.

      Except when dealing with a very expert conman (who are once again very few and far between), you can only be deceived for a very long time if you want to be. You idealize a person who is not deserving of this, and sweep behaviour under the table which you wouldn’t tolerate under normal circumstances because you are blinded by chemistry or really want to be in a relationship and you finally seem to have found someone you could have one with. Evan says take dating slowly and get to know them over a long period of time before diving into a commited relationship. It is one of the best pieces of advice i have ever received.

      1. 5.1.1
        KK

        Big difference between sweeping occasional bad behavior under the rug (or even confronting it head on) and suspecting someone is living a double life. It may be somewhat rare but I don’t think it’s extremely rare. Otherwise sites like lovefraud.com would not exist.

        1. Malika

          People who lead double lives also leave enough clues around. In these situations i also feel that in the long term we are blind to those clues because we want to believe we have finally found true love. Part of love, even in healthy relationships, is idealizing the other person. It’s a very small step from idealizing, which minimizes flaws, to wilfully ignoring the fact that the person is showing inconsistent behaviour that doesn’t add up.

          Believe me, i speak from experience!

        2. KK

          Malika,

          “People who lead double lives also leave enough clues around”.

          That’s what most people think. However, it can go on for years before you see one of these clues.

          “In these situations i also feel that in the long term we are blind to those clues because we want to believe we have finally found true love”.

          I’m not sure about that either. Mature, intelligent people who are looking for a real relationship are pretty good at analyzing the situation pretty accurately. The problem comes when there’s deception. I don’t care who you are or how smart you think you are; if someone intentionally deceives you, there’s not much you can do.

          “Believe me, i speak from experience!”

          I would never say anything to invalidate your experience. In my experience, there were no “clues” for many, many years. My friends and family never saw any clues either. I know we all know women who get involved with bad guys and we warn them against it but they get married anyway and then the inevitable happens. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about someone who you have no reason to question their love or loyalty but the end result is the same.

          A well renowned psychologist, our marriage counselor, said these people do exist and there really isn’t much you can do once they target you.

      2. 5.1.2
        Stacy

        I COMPLETELY agree with you.

        And yes, professional con men (where you see NO red flags and date the person for a long time) is are very, very rare. Because of the chemistry (and sometimes because we either have invested time or dont want to be alone), we just accept what we know in our gut should not be accepted (9.9 times out of 10). Then we have the hindsight is foresight playout after the fact.

        1. KK

          When I hear “con man” I tend to think of someone trying to scam someone else out of money. I’m talking about men who live double lives. They want to be respected for being a family man so they marry a beautiful woman, have children, live in a nice home in a nice community and have affairs on the side.

      3. 5.1.3
        Nissa

        Agreed. It takes a while to know someone. It takes time for the best behavior to slip away and the real person to be seen. Until you see the ‘real deal’ you can’t possibly give anything other than a ‘tentative green’ to the relationship.

        I think people don’t realize that the ‘perfect person’ they had at the beginning of the relationship was never real, it was only one aspect of the whole person they are dating. Instead of asking themselves if they can accept the whole, flawed package, they spend time bemoaning the loss of imagined ideal and trying to get the other person to change.

        1. Caroline

          That’s very true Nissa. I look back on my marriage and realize there were warning signs now. I really didn’t see them at the time. I was definitely not very savvy at relationships. I always tend to see the best in folks.

        2. Sarak

           

           

          Good gosh, Nissa.  Your last paragraph I think was glossed over by some.  How well put!  People seem to also “want” that “perfect person’ and not really seem to realize that they can’t have that person because they aren’t perfec t either.  I see guys do this a lot.  They want the ideal partner, not really the only that has a lot of flaws, like them!

           

    2. 5.2
      Karmic Equation

      You can’t weed out the highly skilled, highly practiced, liars and cheats.

      You might just want to keep mental notes of things that “don’t feel right” when they happen instead of writing them off. If you get enough of these feelings over time, and he becomes neglectful, then address the neglectful behavior. Odds are he’ll be better for a short duration and the the neglectful behavior will return. Then make a decision. Neglect doesn’t feel good and you gave him a chance and he failed. The only thing left to do is end it. Or you can give him a few more chances. You need to put a limit on the # of chances. Unlimited chances = no boundaries = doormat. Don’t become one.

      However, if he is so skilled at the deception that he was able to keep (generic) you happy and satisfied while leading a double life, then there is nothing you can do until after he is discovered. Since you never had an inkling, don’t blame yourself. Move on the best you can.

  6. 6
    Linda

    Loved this, Evan!

  7. 7
    Stacy

    Last response was meant for Malika.

  8. 8
    Ashley

    There was a point in which I kind of had the mindset of your old girlfriend. I dated a guy whose friends went to strip clubs regularly and it drove me crazy. For one, these guys were pigs and it really disturbed me that he could even think they were cool enough to consider these guys friends, and two, I couldn’t stand the thought of them inviting him along and him actually accepting. It’s a good thing too because his life is wrecked by a woman who used to be a stripper. I saw him with rose colored glasses. BUT that doesn’t change the fact that I was also insecure and untrusting. Some would say my suspicions were warranted, but he didn’t give me a reason to feel that way while we dated.

  9. 9
    Sparkxx

    We can lament about how we ought to be circumspect at the beginning and have certain criteria for weeding out jokers, booty hunters, jerks and two timing slobs, but the truth remains; both men and women put on a façade of sorts at the beginning. It’s because everyone knows that you never get a second chance to make a great first impression. There is simply no foolproof seive except time.

    Secondly, that chemistry that binds you together at first also blinds you to these red flags and more often than not, you find yourself making excuses for that kind of otherwise unacceptable behaviour. What with your body now turned into a sea of hormones and your knees into jelly, you can’t do any serious vetting. So you let it slide. “He was rude to the waiter at our second date but omg, the sex was out of this world”….catch the drift anyone?

    Thirdly, it may well be that one feels like time is no longer on their side and they are staring at the cold prospect of eternal loneliness. That feeling that you didn’t get when the getting was good, and the gravy train has long left the station. In that case you just find yourself in the “anything goes mode” and people can see through that desperation and worse still treat you like they are doing you a favour just by being with you…”am just in it for the kids”

    .

    Moral of the post?..
    You don’t want to be a desperate doormat? Then make hay while the sun still shines.

    Or settle for the jerks after sunset.

  10. 10
    Kellie

    Re: the bachelor party:  When your companions friends/family “do not respect your relationship”, there is or will be serious conflicts ultimately.   The same is true of your friends/family.

    That situation constitutes a threat to the health of the relationship.  I am not a jealous person..but I am territorial!..Like in nature itself, we tend to be very protective of the things we invest time and energy to.  It is animal instinct and though the idea above may seem like “a leap superman couldnt make”…  it will prevail whether we want to believe that or not.

    Evan is awesome!  First time I’ve heard him.

     

     

     

     

  11. 11
    Chris

    Great points, especially for those who are afraid of getting into another relationship after being abused (aka a doormat). There is a difference between not setting boundaries with an emotionally and mentally healthy person…and getting scammed, love bombed, hurt and controlled by an abuser who has a mental pathology. A man who is “critical, dominant, and mean” as Evan describes, is not a healthy person to start with, and these descriptions are characteristic of abusers. It is a choice to stay, but if you are an abuser’s doormat, it is much harder to leave than a 30 second conversation. Once you realize who that person really is and understand the pathology, the doormat is probably torn to shreds and been so emotionally and financially treaded on, that it takes an immense amount of work and strength to leave, and even more to heal.

  12. 12
    Amy

    Omg, just found your website and podcast.   You are delightful and so insightful! Looking forward to learning more from you:)

  13. 13
    April

    I had a classic passive-aggressive reaction to this treatment in my last relationship – he was stubborn, horrendously insensitive, didn’t cheat or lie, but just didn’t treat me very well(no appreciation or valuing me) and critical at times. For 2 years I just swallowed my feelings because I was worried I would be asking for too much and this seems to be how relationships were in my family…kinda cold and I figured I’d just adapt. 2.5 years later I loved him very much but my intuition wouldn’t let it go anymore…I felt unloved all the time, I could only feel calm and safe if he was physically near me or touching me.  I sought a counselor and attempted getting him to speak my love language but he said the only way to give me words of affirmation was if I wrote exactly what he should say…which of course made it meaningless anyway. I broke up with him once and he told me he literally didn’t care if someone broke up with him; he’d would literally just go fishing the next day. He wasn’t even saying that to be cocky or vengeful, that was literally his truth. Eventually that sunk in and I knew even though I loved him SO much, a future with him, with someone who wasn’t emotionally attached, would just kill me. So I ended it for good and 7 months later I still can’t imagine someone could be like that…just not care at all after so much time. It’s sick.  But anyway, it taught me to speak up…right away, with my boundaries, because from the beginning I knew he was treating me okay, but not good enough (like a good boyfriend would) but I was too embarrassed to ask why(how do you ask “Why don’t you get me flowers? Or tell me nice things?” To me, that sounded weak or spoiled/princessy).  Now, there will be much asking with any new guys! Haha

  14. 14
    dandy

    Last time i broke things off with a man in person i came very close to being physically assaulte.If i ever have to initiate a break up again it will be over the phone

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