Three Day Rule – An Interview With Talia Goldstein, CEO

When you think of matchmaking, you probably think of Patti Stanger, but I don't. Matchmaking is part art, part science, and part alchemy. That's why I'm honored to interview the CEO of matchmaking service, Three Day Rule, about her business. Talia is a smart, successful, happily married mother who lives her mission to spread love every single day.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Randi

    i enjoyed listening to this podcast and I am going to be mindful of the key takeaways…be open-minded, reduce my checklist big time, date in my league, choose a husband type, and give serious consideration to men who I am on the fence abou. Thank you for sharing this podcast for free. I learned a lot!!!

  2. 2
    Joyce

    Hi Evan,

    It was a great pleasure to listen to this podcast. What a great example of a engaging and productive conversation! Greet-compliment-engage-ask-listen-show you are listening-compliment/appreciate-repeat again… Your conversation with Talia by itself teaches us a lot. And besides that, there are many good dating advises in this interview that I picked up for myself. Thank you both!

    Joyce

     

     

  3. 3
    Lisa

    Was it my imagination or did Talia seem to get very uncomfortable when Evan was  asking her about her own marriage? Hmmm….Both men and women have trouble in the dating world…but sadly men are the worst ones. She wasn’t kidding when she said men think they are MORE suave…MORE attractive than they really are. I will add in…they think they are MORE funny, MORE smart, MORE everything and it’s why many think they can all get super models no matter if they area  6 on the attractive scale. Not to mention…jerks. It’s truly what’s wrong out in the dating world. And yes…it’s a good thing you don’t coach men. Not only do they not ask for help because they think they have it covered…but they are way more apt NOT to listen unlike women. I can honestly say…HONESTLY…that the reason I’m still single is because I’m not going to settle and put up with what I’ve found out there in Singledom. I wish it wasn’t so hard but it has become like turning boulders over to find someone great instead of just stones past 50 now! Boulders!

    1. 3.1
      Karl R

      Lisa said:

      “She wasn’t kidding when she said men think they are MORE suave…MORE attractive than they really are. I will add in…they think they are MORE funny, MORE smart, MORE everything and it’s why many think they can all get super models no matter if they area  6 on the attractive scale.”

      You seem to be trying to apply objective standards to traits that are either subjective, or at the very least, multi-faceted.

      Attractiveness:

      Back in my early twenties, I realized that approximately 5% to 10% of women found me attractive, and the other 90% to 95% did not.  Should I base my opinion of my looks on the women who find me attractive … or the women who don’t?  I have always chosen to base my opinion on the reaction I get from the 5% to 10%.  That was the subset of women that I dated, so it was their opinion that mattered.

      Since I married a woman whom I find very attractive, I’d say my self-chosen perception of my attractiveness paid off.

      Humor:

      I don’t find Larry the Cable Guy (the stage persona of Dan Whitney) to be particularly funny.  He has some good jokes, but they’re outnumbered by the ones that fall flat.  Regardless of my opinion, Larry/Dan is a tremendously successful comedian.  Should he consider himself funny, because he has millions of fans who think he’s funny?  Or should he believe he’s not very funny, because I (and likely millions of others) think less highly of his humor?

      If he’s remotely sane, he should probably consider himself to be a very funny guy.

      Intelligence:

      If you ascribe to Gardner’s theory of multiple intelligences, there are many ways to be intelligent.  People do not excel equally at all of them.  So should Bill Nye the Science Guy consider himself dumb, just because his bodily-kinesthetic intelligence is below average?  Or should he consider himself highly intelligent, due to his accomplishments in the logical-mathematical and verbal-linguistic areas?

      When I was out in the dating pool, I approached it with the attitude that I was a reasonably attractive, highly intelligent, and rather funny guy … because I knew that I could find and date women who agreed with that opinion.  Any time that I ran into a woman who disagreed with that opinion, I just shrugged my shoulders and moved on.  There was no point wasting any more of my time on her.

      Lisa,

      If we were to meet in real life, I’m sure your opinion of me would be much lower than my opinion of me.  (Your opinion of all men seems to be extremely low, so I do not expect to be an exception.)  From your perspective, my attitude is “truly what’s wrong out in the dating world.”  From my perspective, my attitude was an effective dating strategy.

      Let’s turn the situation around.  Let’s imagine that you’ve found an effective dating strategy (at some point in the future), but some man stated that your strategy was “everything that’s wrong in the dating world.”  (Perhaps even with evidence to show that he is, at least in some sense, correct.)  Would you abandon your successful strategy based on his opinion?

      Probably not.

      1. 3.1.1
        Lisa Merrill

        Look…you don’t know me. And you don’t know what I’ve been through in the dating world to give me a lower opinion of MANY of the men out there. Not all…but yeah…I have to admit…MANY. I’m glad that you were able to find a woman who found you attractive enough to marry you. And your statement that some women would find you attractive and some wouldn’t is the truth for ALL of us! But you at least GET that. There are MANY men who just do NOT get it and they act like they are better than any woman (perhaps insecurity?) unless they are a 10. (In their eyes) With me…I could think a man is gorgeous…but if he has nothing upstairs he becomes very ugly to me. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Sadly something in my post struck a nerve with you. Why I’m not sure. I will say again that although I think there probably are good men out there…it has become like turning over boulders to find one. AND them boulders is damn heavy! Us women are TIRED!!!! And even if you find a man you like…doesn’t mean he’s going to be into you and choose you. He may want to have sex with you…but he may not see you as a life partner. Sadly I believe that it is very hard to find compatible love (why do you think there are so many gurus out there?!) where you have things in common, and you are spiritually, intellectually and emotionally attracted to someone as well as physically. And as a woman you better be physically attracted to a man because sooner or later they are gonna want to have sex…and if you aren’t into them that way (but perhaps you are in other ways…) good luck! It may work for a while…but it won’t in the long run. Count your blessings Karl you found someone! You are one of the lucky “few.” Hope it lasts!

        1. Karl R

          Lisa Merrill said:

          “And your statement that some women would find you attractive and some wouldn’t is the truth for ALL of us! But you at least GET that. There are MANY men who just do NOT get it and they act like they are better than any woman (perhaps insecurity?) unless they are a 10.”

          Let me address your second point first.  Why get bent out of shape over that?  When you meet a man (or when I met a woman) who had unreasonable standards for what they expect in a partner, they’re only preventing you (or me) from having one relationship … with them.  On the other hand, they are preventing themselves from having any relationships.

           

          Your first point was ambiguously worded, so I’m possibly restating what you intended to say.  But there’s an important point that I want to make unambiguously.  (Even if you understand it, some other people reading this may benefit from having it spelled out more clearly.)

          My point isn’t just about how all women see men, but also about how all men see women.  Even if you were a supermodel, there would be some men going, “Meh.  She’s not my type.”  For example, I’ve never found the Pamela Anderson type attractive.  My disinterest isn’t based on some delusion that I’m better looking than her.  It’s based on the really clear idea that I can always find someone who is more attractive to me.

           

          Lisa Merrill said:

          “And even if you find a man you like…doesn’t mean he’s going to be into you and choose you.”

          That’s exactly the same for men and women.

           

          But I found a way to view dating that was the reverse of how you (and many men and women) do.

          You’re starting by finding the men you believe are good, and then you’re getting frustrated because most of them don’t reciprocate your interest.  Most men and women do the exact same thing, and they get equally frustrated … because, as I pointed out, they may be getting rejected 90% or 95% (or more) of the time.

          As I pointed out, I tried to start with the women who seemed interested in me, and then picked the best ones out of that pool.  I sometimes misjudged their interest.  Even when there was mutual interest, things didn’t necessarily work out.  But I avoided a lot of the frustration you’re expressing, because I wasn’t wasting most of my time and energy on women who weren’t interested in me.

           

          Back to your original post and the men who are 6s trying for super models.  If one of them starts with the pool of women who are interested in him, he’s probably going to feel that none of them are “good” enough for him.

          Why not?

          Based on what you’ve said, it’s because these men think they are “MORE” of everything than they actually are.  And I agree with your assessment.

          These men could succeed if they had a more realistic view of themselves and what they brought to the table.

           

          So, take stock of all the men who are interested in you.  Pick the best ones out of that group.

          If you are like me, you will have a much less frustrating dating experience.  You’ll date a bunch of wonderful people who just aren’t quite right for you.  And then you’ll finally find one who is right for you.

          But you might not be like me.  You might look at that entire group of men and decide that none of them are “good” enough for you.  That’s perfectly fine.  It’s your prerogative to make that decision.

          It just means that you have a lot in common with the men you’ve been ranting about … the men who believe they are “MORE” of everything than they actually are.

        2. sylvana

          I think Lisa’s turning over boulders statement doesn’t stem so much from unreasonable standards.

          In order to have a good relationship, you need three main elements:

          The person has to be attracted to you/want to be with you
          The person has to have good partner/relationship qualities
          You have to be reasonably attracted to the person

          When you can only get one or two of the main qualities, it starts feeling like turning over boulders.

          It’s easy to say start with the ones who are interested in you. But what if those who are interested in you all have serious deal breaker qualities? Like alcohol or drug (including medication) problems, serious health problems, obese/any other seriously bad health choices, 20+years older, completely opposing views (Religious, political, etc. He hates animals, she can’t live without them, etc. – the list is endless. Not everything can be compromised on). This is not being unreasonable. Those are SERIOUS deal breakers no one should compromise on.

          And even if those deal breakers don’t exist, there is still the little matter of her being attracted to them physically at all. Not LESS attracted to them than others, but AT ALL. As Lisa pointed out, they’ll want sex at some point.

          Oftentimes, it seems that people assume that the reason a woman can’t find a good relationship is because she wants the hottest, 10 chemistry super rich guy she can find. When in reality, she can throw out every item on her wish list, and still not find the two very basic minimum requirements (interested in her + relationship qualities) in a guy that she feels more than a 2 or 3 attraction with.

          And the few 5s or 6s attraction/chemistry she finds still treat her like crap, because she is not a 10.

  4. 4
    S.

    I started listening to this one because I wanted the inside scoop on matchmaking.  It was a nice, nuanced podcast and she has a unique perspective as she is literally bringing dates that her customers specify to them.  That’s service.  And she seemed very kind and patient in this interview.

    There was, however, something that bothered me about this podcast.  First, there was the description as Talia Goldstein as “the perfect perspective as a woman who has done it all right and a woman who is living the dream.”  I mean, wow.  Yes, Talia is quite accomplished and it’s a lot to balance with a family too.  I wonder, though.  Does every dating coach have to be married to be considered successful?  Does every guest have to be heterosexual? Same sex partnerships are rarely mentioned on the podcasts.   Maybe I’m nitpicking, but there seems to be a lack of diversity in the guest speakers. There was one African-American guest and she was speaking about the colors of your rooms (I didn’t listen to her podcast so I can’t speak on it.)  Just over time, it starts to seem as this advice (not generally, I like this blog, but podcast-wise) is geared toward straight women who make a lot of money.   Or maybe it was just this one since that seems to be Talia’s clientele. Maybe you’re just inviting people you know.  I still listen.  You know I listen.

    Two years ago I moved from the neighborhood I grew up in. I hadn’t remained there my whole life but I had moved back for a few years.  The neighborhood had always been diverse but when I left it, it was a vibrant community of working class people, primarily Mexican and Ecuadorian.  If I left extremely early in the morning on public transport I would see so many men in blue uniforms who worked construction.  These folks were mostly in heterosexual families, with two to five children and abuelitas in tow. 🙂 They seemed happy from my casual observation and family seemed at the center of their lives.   And most of the men weren’t taller than 5’5″. I remember a date walked me home once and he at 5’11” called it ‘land of little people’ or something like that.  (He wasn’t a particularly kind person and we broke up but I digress.)

    I think this point was driven home when the Talia said that most of her clients would rather have a successful man who traveled and they would hire a nanny to take care of the kids.  Thank you, Evan for pushing back a little on that. I could tell from that remark that Talia is referring to a very, very select group of women and it speaks also to who can afford a matchmaker.  Or maybe it’s just L.A. I don’t know.

    If you are a short, Ecuadorian man who works construction you can find a wife and have a happy family in the world where I lived for so long.  I don’t always think the guests speak to that situation.  We aren’t all tall, skinny, white, or make a six figure income.  I know Evan would agree that doesn’t mean we can’t find love, but I wish there were more services geared toward this niche.  These factors do matter.  That nanny comment really hit a nerve for me.   Just such a different world than mine.

    Evan, this isn’t a knock against you, at least that isn’t my intent.  And not Talia, either. I appreciated her allowing a peek behind the matchmaker curtain.  Almost like hearing from a magician.  My intent is just to mention there are different voices and needs in the dating world.  There are a lot of other self-help and relationship coaches of color out there too.   I would like to hear about them and the populations they serve as well.  We all want a little magic.

    1. 4.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thanks, S for your feedback. However, comments like this drive me crazy. I am a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women. My clients are the people who pay for my services. My industry colleagues are friends who offer similar services. They are not necessarily a representative sample of the world, nor are they supposed to be. In other words, it’s okay that I’m not a dating coach for Ecuadorian construction workers. It’s okay that I’m not a coach for gay men. Are their experiences important and valid? Sure. But I can’t be all things to all people and serve every segment of the population just because “diversity.”

      So is this blog geared towards straight women who make a lot of money? Goddamn right. They’re the ones who pay my bills so I can offer free blogs, newsletters and podcasts to the people who never pay me a dime.

      1. 4.1.1
        S.

        I never suggested that people not pay for your services, simply that as a regular podcast listener, that I’d be interested in hearing from experiences from more diverse guests on the podcast.  I was talking about the podcast, not your whole business or the whole site, and this podcast in particular.

        It’s your podcast and site, and of course, it’s your prerogative to do whatever you want with them.

        But I can’t be all things to all people and serve every segment of the population just because “diversity.”

        As a woman of color who doesn’t make six figures, I do naturally look for advice that is representative of some of my experience.  But I understand that this podcast is not necessarily that place.  Doesn’t mean it’s not still valuable to me in some ways.  I have additional resources out there that I access as well, just not many.  And maybe someone else whose lurking here around will see their experience in what I’ve written.  That’s valuable too.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          I appreciate your suggestion, S. And I don’t doubt your sincerity. However, it doesn’t sound like you fully understand: the Love U Podcast, ultimately, is a marketing channel. Same as the blog. Same as the newsletter. It’s designed to offer free education and entertainment to attract my ideal clients. To suggest that I have, say, a gay man on to hear a different perspective… let’s just agree that doesn’t make much sense for my business. This is not NPR. This is not PBS. This is a private enterprise that reflects my interests and, largely, the interests of my core clientele. If, however, you know of a prominent dating/relationship expert who happens to be a minority, I’d be pleased to investigate and follow through. One note: good dating/relationship advice is good dating/relationship advice. I wouldn’t expect a black matchmaker to offer appreciably different advice than a white matchmaker, in other words.

        2. S.

          It’s designed to offer free education and entertainment to attract my ideal clients.

          I do understand, at least as much as I can from reading this blog for five years.  I know I’m not your ideal client or part of your core clientele.   You have a business model and it doesn’t has to be marketed specifically for me.

          That said, I am a loyal listener and I comment to many podcasts.  I could save and afford some of your products and while not be a core client, could become a paying customer.  I have purchased one of your products and have been thinking about purchasing another one.  But I’ve been hesitating and not just because of my budget.

          This is the world, I get it.  But the world is me hearing straight, white women held up as the ideal, the ‘norm’ all the time.  Not just here.  Not just on dating sites.  This is the world, but I have to make my way in it and take what’s out there and make it work for me.

          There are self-help books for folks of color and there are coaches out there of color.  Dating sites specifically for people of color which I periodically explore.  One coach whose channel I occasionally listen to is Bernardo Martinez.  He would be an interesting guest.  And no, it doesn’t mean the advice is necessarily different but it does matter sometimes to me to hear a slightly different take on it.  Like when you have on a coach who coaches older women, or when you have a coach who is a man.  Similar advice, slightly different perspective that matters.

          Do either of us have to fully understand one another for your advice or products to work for me and others like me? Maybe not.  But my race and my class matters in dating in ways I’m not sure I have the time this morning to fully convey, though I truly appreciate you taking the time to address my feedback thoughtfully.   It’s not always easy to share these things. So much easier to pretend I’m exactly like everyone else.  On the internet, no one would ever know.  But I know so I decided to comment and share a different take.

        3. Evan Marc Katz

          You’re more than entitled – and encouraged – to share your take. As I am to offer a spirited defense of why I do what I do. If you would seriously not purchase a product that could alter the course of your life simply because you think I’m too cis-white-upper-middle class, well, I don’t know what to tell you, my friend. You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. And if you find there’s a coach of color who better reflects your reality, then, by all means, invest in his products. I appreciate you reading and listening and wish you luck no matter what you choose to do.

    2. 4.2
      Talia Goldstein

      S. 
      I truly appreciate this comment and the time you took to write out your thoughts. I can’t speak for Evan’s business but I do want to mention a few things about Three Day Rule. First, you ask if date coaches have to be married to be successful. From what I have seen in my business, the answer is “no.” Many of our most successful matchmakers are single. Second, I recognize that in this specific podcast the conversation focused on successful straight women. As Evan mentioned, that is his demographic. However, I want to point out that we work with all people, not just successful, straight, women. Our goal is to help as many people as possible find love through our blogs, matchmaking, webinars, events, and coaching. Thank you again for the thoughtful comment and for listening to the podcast. P.S. If you happen to be single, sign up for Three Day Rule. 😉 

      1. 4.2.1
        S.

        Thanks, Talia!  I appreciate you and Evan taking the time to comment back.  I know you are a busy woman!  I was curious about matchmaking though I know it’s not in my budget.  And I suspect, though I don’t know for sure, men for whom it is in their budget are paying for you to set them up on dates with women in their same economic class.  Even if that’s not the best woman for them! 🙂

        As you said, you meet people where they are first.   If you had a majority of diverse (Black, Latino, Asian, short height, medium height, suave ;-)) male clientele who made five figures looking for similar at your events, we could talk!  I’m slightly teasing.  😉  I don’t mean to imply I’m excluding other men, but there are plenty of services and events where I find those men.  I’m actually going to one after work tonight.  I just want to invest in meeting a wider range of folks sometimes.

        Thanks again.

  5. 5
    Marilyn Harrington

    Hello, I enjoyed the content of this interview but Talia’s use of ‘girl’ for woman made me cringe.

  6. 6
    Angela

    Hi

    I listened to quite a few of your podcasts now and first off I need to say this: It’s a great thing to have access to blog posts and pod casts on relationship ‘issues’ or advice or whatever you want to call it for free from anywhere in the world. How valuable and GREAT is that? Right?

    Having said that, I cringe every time I hear your introduction: dating coach for smart, successful women. It’s pretty much the same line you get from every other dating coach in the industry. And sure, you need people with  money to pay you. Sadly, I am interested and smart, but successful is not how I would describe myself. So many of the topics, including this podcast, cover issues of “I am really successful in my business, but just can’t find a good guy to be with” or “I make a lot of money and want somebody to match my interests and life style” etc. Is it to much to ask for a pod cast every now and again to cover ‘normal’ lives? Women who survive, but don’t make a lot of money; women who want a guy to share their life with, but aren’t bothered about how much money he makes as long as he’s responsible with what they’ve got; women who want a guy to take care of them, protect them, help find the answers to life’s questions? Women, like me, who struggle with loneliness and having to deal with every aspect of life themselves and just want somebody so share the burden with?

    I have NEVER thought about setting an age limit for a man to have a relationship with. Nor have I EVER thought about a man needing to make a lot of money. I am not bothered if the guy is tall or short, any hair colour will do, etc. etc. I have very simple criteria (and so far, haven’t found one man who remotely meets these): No 1 – I just want a man who wants me. That’s it, that simple. I want to feel wanted. I want to experience him being interested in me. I want somebody who wants to spend time with me. Following on from that, I want him to show that with say, organising a meeting or an activity. WANTING to see me.

    A long, long way down from that, it would be kind of nice if he was interested in healthy living, not adverse to a bit of exercise every now and again, had an interest in nature and be up for gardening and DIY. But all the rest can be negotiated. None of the criteria you routinely mention in your pod casts as being raised by your clients has ever entered my mind.

    Am I the only freak or is there some value in what was suggested in another comment: could a slightly different kind of women looking for slightly different kind of things in a relationship be covered in one of your pod casts – every now and again?

    Maybe I am not the rich, smart, successful woman to be your next client. But I might know somebody who is. You are definitely in the business to understand connections and recommendations and you hopefully belief that a future client can come from anywhere, sometimes people and places you least expect.

    1. 6.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Angela, thanks for weighing in. Now please try this exercise: click here and scroll through the 90+ podcasts I’ve created since 2016.

      How many of them are exclusively for “successful” women vs. “normal” women? How many of them have advice that only caters to the 1% and doesn’t apply to you?

      Once you’ve done that exercise, you’ll see that your misgivings about my brand/introduction has virtually NOTHING to do with the reality that I offer tons of free dating and relationship advice to women, of all ages, colors and sizes who want to understand men and find love.

      And if I’m wrong – if 40+ of my podcasts are completely unrelatable because I’m only talking about Porsches, prenups and second homes in Vail, I will come back here to apologize to you.

      Please let me (and anyone reading this thread) know what you discover.

  7. 7
    Angela

    Deal. I look forward to to listening to each and every one.

    Thank you for replying.

  8. 8
    Milena Genova

    Evan,

    I am also not of your typical demographic re: income because I am not a businesswoman (though I do the travel, the yoga, the gym, etc., just on a different scale), and I am already in a committed relationship after my divorce. But I visit your site and read your blog because your advice is universal and a great part of it certainly applies to my situation. Besides, you are such a good writer. You have a strong creative streak which you express very well in your blog posts. I just enjoy a piece of good, intelligent writing on a topic which will remain relevant all my life.

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