Why You Should Wait at Least Two Years Before Getting Married

Love at first sight. Married in a year. Together forever. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Well, does until you realize that the couples who tie the knot quickly are the most likely to get divorced. Tune in to listen to the sobering statistics and learn what pace is the most effective to get not only a proposal but a happy marriage as well.


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Comments:

  1. 1
    D_M

    Evan,

    Good podcast. You highlighted a number of things, but I think three key items were:

    – Build a relationship foundation that will endure

    – Relationships are a working partnership

    – Be indispensable

    Maybe you have outlined how your clientele can go about being indispensable before, but I have not read it. Can you spend a few moments expanding on how a woman goes about making herself indispensable?

    1. 1.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thanks. However, I cannot honor your request. Blogs are free. Newsletters are free. Podcasts are free.

      If you want more coaching – if you want to go deeper to get better understanding and results – you’re gonna have to join Love U like everyone else. 🙂

    2. 1.2
      Adrian

      Hello D_M

      __This is just my opinion (so you can take the following with a grain of salt) but I would say that the first step for a woman to take in making herself indispensable to a man is… finding a man who recognizes a good woman/a great catch when he has her.

      __I am still learning to recognize this myself. When I was younger, I just thought if a woman was attractive, intelligent, and kind-hearted; she would make a great girlfriend and treat me right-we would live happily ever after.

      __However now I realize that a person can have all those qualities and still take you for granted because they over-estimate their own desirability and they underestimate how rare of a catch you are just because you are flawed.

      __To many people don’t realize that you can be perfect and flawed at the same time. You will be flawed because you are human, but you can still be the “perfect” partner or the perfect piece to fit into someone’s life. Your strengths compliment their weakness and vice versa. You can still have the occasional argument or disagreement, but you are both overall happy with the relationship.

      __Their weaknesses show you how benevolent, strong, patient, and forgiving of a person you are… without resentment or regret. Their strengths show you that you will always have support, help and a friend-you are never alone. Most importantly their strengths and weaknesses show you that no matter how flawed, unattractive, or unworthy you think are, someone will accept all that and still love you.

      __Superman had kryptonite, which prevented him from being infallible; yet at the end of the day, he is still a Super Man.

      __Find a man who recognizes your worth and you will have taken your first step to becoming an indispensable girlfriend.

      __As far as the actual action a woman could take, I would say make sure the man you desire, desires your company. Make him smile, make him laugh. Make him feel safe, make him feel  comfortable confiding in you without fear of being judged negatively for being a human with base human desires, fears, lusts, and hatreds. Make him feel attractive, and most importantly COMMUNICATE your own desires, fears, concerns, and needs to him.

      __His actions after you communicate your wants and needs will tell you if he finds you indispensable. Because I can’t speak for all men, but for me, a woman whom I find invaluable I would do anything not to lose her. Being indispensable to someone is just as much about the actions they take to make you happy as it is about the actions you take to make them happy.

       

      As a side note: I have found that many people mistake the saying “communication” in regards to relationships to mean “talking” to each other about your feelings. NO! Communication or communicating your emotions to him means making sure he “understands” why you feel a certain way. It does not mean he has to agree with you, it just means that you and he should understand were the other is coming from.

    3. 1.3
      Elle

      Hello D_M,

      Good question! Am I right in thinking you’re a man, who’s in a relationship? I’d be interested to hear your personal take on the issue (whether or not if you’re in a relationship 😊)

      1. 1.3.1
        D_M

        Elle,

        You are correct, I am male. I don’t subscribe to the indispensable theory before marriage. I believe that indispensability grows as the marriage grows. Our esteem host’s own admission during the podcast is another data point in that direction. From my perspective, establishing mutual affinity before walking down the aisle seems more attainable. People make life too complicated, just treat others the way you want to be treated. Some folks will respond in kind and others will not. I feel that a strong sense of self, along with our individual sociocultural experiences of affection tilts the scale. Being reared by examples of women that embraced the pressures that modern society places on women, while maintaining a propensity to nurture has strongly shaped my definition of “Wife”. No, I am not currently in a committed relationship.

        1. Elle

          Ah, thanks for confirming, I thought from your comments on the engagement ring/tattoo post that you were. Rereading my question about your relationship status, I’m concerned it could have been rather intrusive. Apologies if so – and thank you for satisfying my curiosity. I will admit I had rather assumed you would be in a relationship, because your comments, to me at least, come across as psychologically sophisticated, warm and unbiased. And I think these qualities tend to promote success with the opposite sex!

          I also feel true indispensability is something that takes years to develop. Mutual affinity does indeed sound a more attainable goal for two people marrying at the two year mark.

          I very much agree that the golden rule is the way to go. One’s gender can colour one’s perception of how it should apply, but what’s good for the goose is good for the gander a lot of the time imo. My sister is just starting to engage with online dating after the end of a longterm relationship, and is wondering how certain things about her would be seen by men.  She answers a lot of these by flipping the script and asking herself what she’d think if a man she was messaging revealed the same information.  Doesn’t tell her how these things actually will be perceived by an individual guy, of course, but it gives her some kind of benchmark of reasonableness.

    4. 1.4
      SMC

      Adrian said:  “As a side note: I have found that many people mistake the saying “communication” in regards to relationships to mean “talking” to each other about your feelings. NO! Communication or communicating your emotions to him means making sure he “understands” why you feel a certain way. It does not mean he has to agree with you, it just means that you and he should understand were the other is coming from.”

      Adrian, you’ve NAILED it, and this was, I think, my own personal biggest failing in my last relationship.  He was, and always will be, extremely non-communicative in the verbal sense, but he made crystal clear how he felt about me by his actions.  I’m a verbal communicator to the nth degree and had a very hard time wrapping my head around what I perceived as a dysfunction between the two of us, and the lack of his verbalizing his feelings, combined with my overreactive emotion over a certain incident, caused our split.  I’m going to cut and paste your entire comment and read it every morning for however long it takes to get through my head that non-verbal communication is OK too.  (Along with what makes a woman indispensable.)

      FWIW, he and I are giving it another go.  I’m working on my over-sensitive reactions, he’s working on, well, whatever he’s working on, because I do believe that sometimes second chances at love CAN succeed after careful instropection.  Time will tell.

      1. 1.4.1
        Adrian

        Aww SMC,

        __You promised you wouldn’t treat the new guy like a rebound and he liked you so much for so long (-_-).

        __Plus you have said so many time -in between the lines- on many old post in your comments that you never felt completely… safe… sure… secure… or at easy about your relationship with your old boyfriend.

        …   …   …

        Please tell me that at least it was him and not you who initiated contact first?

        All I can say “I wish you good luck with your second round with this guy.”

        1. SMC

          LOL Adrian, I gave the new guy a fair shot, I promise, but when he changed two of the first four dates from fun activities to um…”hanging out” at my place or his and pressed for sex on all four dates despite promising to take things at my speed, I’m sorry (but not really), it was a definite turnoff.  When he’d let 3 days go without any communication whatsoever in between dates, that contributed too.  All that glitters from a 10-year distance is definitely not gold.  He’s a super nice man, a real sweetie, but I have and always will have a rather sour memory of certain actions on his part, most of which shall remain undisclosed here.  I followed Evan’s base-rounding timetable to a tee, but changing dates from “let’s go <insert activity>” to “I’m tired, let’s stay in” on the 3rd and 4th dates just put me off.  The 4th date was at his house.  Now if he’d been a complete stranger from the start, I wouldn’t have gone to his house on the 4th date, but since I already knew him, I did.  He cooked dinner (that was enjoyable, seeing him in his element), and there was a baseball game on tv (the original plan was for us to go see the game live), but instead of wanting to watch it after dinner in the living room, he wanted to watch it from his bedroom.  “It’s just more comfortable to watch from bed.”  (I disagree completely.)

          As for who initiated on the reconciliation, it was technically me, but only to arrange via text for us to exchange our things since I was going to be in his area in a couple of weeks.  During that texting exchange he wrote certain things (remember, this is a man who is sooo non-verbal) that clued me in to how he was feeling so that once we actually had a phone conversation, things progressed.  Too long to write here, but I have done much self-examination over the past few weeks and see much fault in my behavior (I AM overly sensitive, I DO get too emotional, and I DID expect him to communicate the same way I do), so yeah, long story a little less long, we’re going to BOTH put in the effort again.  I wasn’t interpreting “safe and secure” the way he was demonstrating that I was safe and secure.  As for being “understood,” well, you kind of explained it above in that paragraph about communication.  Again, time will tell.  There are no guarantees, but it’s a gamble I’m willing to take with my eyes wide open.

          As for the other guy, we both said right up front that if it didn’t work out, no hard feelings.  And there won’t be.

        2. SMC

          Adrian,

          By the way, I had already cut the other guy loose, so I didn’t swing “from one vine to the other.”  I don’t mind being “vineless.”

          I kind of figured I’d be taking some lumps with my disclosure.  🙂

        3. GoWiththeFlow

          SMC,

          “. . . instead of wanting to watch it after dinner in the living room, he wanted to watch it from his bedroom.  ‘It’s just more comfortable to watch from bed.'”

          Palm-hitting-forehead-now.  Can’t believe he’s over 22 and used that line!

          When I was reading through your comments on the reconciliation with your ex it made me wonder if you’ve ever read The Five Love Languages?  It sounds like you have different styles and you may be missing each other’s expressions of love and caring.

        4. SMC

          GWTF,

          I read that book during these past several weeks along with a couple of others.  What an eye opener.  Karmic touched on it back when I was fussing about his lack of communication and I finally did the deed and read it.  Talk about an education.  YES, his language is most definitely Acts of Service, and mine is most definitely Words of Affirmation.  I had thought it was also Touch, but after these four dates with this other guy, I decided that maybe it’s not.  The constant hands on me began to annoy me before too long. So I’m a day late to the Love Language party, but I feel it’s never too late to learn.

          As an example of his LL, he texted me a couple of days ago, a mere day after we decided to move forward, and said he was going to go help a friend thin his chicken and quail flocks and asked how many I’d like to have.  That’s par for the course with him – always giving, sharing and thinking of me.  I have work to do on myself, that’s a fact.

          I told him last night to look at it this way – we “rebooted” our relationship and cleaned it up.  He thought about it for a moment and said “Yeah, defragged, but not reformatted.”  Exactly.

      2. 1.4.2
        Christine

        SMC, I hope this second go-around works out better for you, really I do…but I just hope the same issues that derailed the relationship before don’t rear their ugly heads again.

        What concerned me the most wasn’t so much his lack of expression about his own feelings–but more, the defensive way he responded to yours.  I hope he works on that.  Whenever you express a concern to him, I hope he shows some empathy/concern for your feelings.  I hope you feel more safe in confiding your concerns to him.

        1. SMC

          Christine,

          Thank you.  I hope so too.  The difference, if it doesn’t work out the second time, will be that I won’t leave in the middle of a fight, which is what I did this time after having promised in the past that I wouldn’t.  I hate fighting so much that I will run, and that’s just not a healthy way to end a conflict.  It hurt him, and it shocked me that it did because I honestly thought he didn’t have those kinds of feelings.  Big surprise, he does.  I will be working on my sensitivity/emotional issues, but yes, he will have to step up and recognize my concerns.  And if he doesn’t and hasn’t learned anything, at least next time I’ll be able to let it, and him, go for good.  Just not right in the middle of a fight.  This has been a learning process for me and continues to be so, and I recognize that I need to work on my conflict issues.  I’m looking forward to the process.

  2. 2
    Tyrone

    Smart advice. Though I’ve never been married myself, I have seen some of it play out. A female friend from college got married to her boyfriend of not quite a year. They made it about 5 months. According to her, he was lazy, unambitious, stupid, drank too much, and couldn’t get it up. According to him, she was mean, wanted him to quit the job he liked, was wasting their money, and was probably cheating on him. I knew another couple that had lived together for 11 out of the 13 years they’d been together. They decided to get married, then split up and divorced about a year later. Wasn’t able to get both sides of the story that time.

  3. 3
    Roxanne

    Good stuff Evan. It’s so funny you mentioned this like a week or two ago my aunt was saying the same thing about how people show themselves in 2 years and I thought about how at 2 years in my marriage my ex husband showed me the super ugly that if I would have just dated him those years I could have saved me unnecessary heart ache. But everything you said as far as observing his action and let him show himself to be a good boyfriend before making him a boyfriend (instead of just simply liking him) and taking your time spending time together in the relationship and letting time reveal flaws and all before making the informed decision of agreeing to marriage. Valuable good advice. If I would have followed this advise my last 10 years of my love life wouldn’t be such a hot mess lol.

  4. 4
    Adrian

    Hi GoWithTheFlow,

    In your opinion how does one over come the differences in love languages to have a happy long-term relationship or marriage?

    For example,

    1). What if one partner’s love language is words of affirmation, but the other partner in the relationship just sees them as needy; always craving validation or praise?

    …   …   …

    2). What if one partner’s love language is quality time, but the other partner just sees them as smothering, or lacking their own social life.

    …  …   …

    3). What if one partner’s love language is receiving gifts, but the other partner in the relationship just sees them as superficial, or caring more about money and material things than who they are as a person?

    …   …   …

    4). What if one partner’s love language is acts of service, but the other partner in the relationship just sees them as not trusting them or too demanding. Thinking you should know I care about you without me always having to do “little” things for you.

    …   …   …

    5). What if one partners love language is physical touch, but the other partner in the relationship just sees them as always “only” wanting sex?

    __I guess my question is: during the 3 year wait while dating a person before knowing if you want to marry them. How do you know the difference between a person who is not a good relationship match for you long-term verses a person who simply has a different love language?

    __If it is just simply different love languages, how do you make it work? Getting your needs met without seeming needy, insecure, or demanding? Take my lowest love language score for example, which was gifts; if I didn’t buy a girlfriend presents without having to be reminded by her, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about her, it just means it is not natural for me to even think of considering to get her something.

    __Though to a gift person I know it wouldn’t look like that, it would look like I didn’t value her emotional needs in the relationship because she had to always remind me to buy her a birthday, anniversary, or a I’m just thinking of you gift.

    1. 4.1
      SMC

      It’s a good question, Adrian, and I’m interested in reading the answers from others.  Evan points out in WHD that he often has women asking “Well why do I have to change my behaviors, why can’t the guy do it?” and he answers that we women will have to because men won’t (paraphrased, of course).  Speaking only for myself, I’ve seen what he will and just flat will NOT do, and I’ve decided that those words of affirmation can come from others, heck HIS friends give them to me all the time, and I can overlook his lack of verbal communication in favor of what I feel deep in my heart.  He proves his feelings every. single. day. and it’s up to me to let that be enough.

      A side note is that, given that he doesn’t verbalize his feelings, it also means he doesn’t criticize me (except when playing pool, and Karmic enlightened me on that point), and by that, he honestly doesn’t think I’m being “needy” when we’ve discussed this communication issue.  So there IS a benefit to him not liking to talk so much.

      So, speaking only for YOUR self, if you knew that your girlfriend’s LL was Receiving Gifts, would you be stubborn and stick to not doing it, or would you maybe do something like set an alarm on your phone to remind you to pick up flowers or some such small token on your way to see her on Friday night?  That is, if you otherwise felt she was LTR material?  How would YOU handle the difference in Languages with the object of your affection?

      1. 4.1.1
        Adrian

        Hi SMC

        __Good question, for myself, I would try to make sure I remember those things for her.

        __My main point/question to GoWithTheFlow was how do you as a partner understand the in between? How do you know when a person is trying but still falling short because that is not their love language vs a person who just is a bad partner and doesn’t care.

        __For example, I think most people won’t forget major holidays because they are all over the tv and billboards, but would a woman be as forgiving if I never thought about getting her a gift just to say I love you on a random day?

        __Being honest SMC, I think gifts is the easiest love language to fake because the media helps us remember. Words would be the hardest in my opinion.

        __Being conscious of the little things, saying “often” how we appreciate things that most people take for granted is hard; regardless of your level of love for that person.

        __Saying I love you is easy, saying you are a great cook is also easy because you will be most likely eating a meal made by them regularly, but what about the other things like the way they ___ for you, or the way they help you with___ every day. Or what about how because of them your home and/or children are always___.

        __You can insert any mundane task into the blank and you will notice how you enjoy the benefit, but you “unwilling” take for-granted the benefactor. As a child, it never once occurred to me to thank my mother for waking me up for school everyday, so I wouldn’t miss my bus. Yet I always thanked her for buying me something or cooking a great meal.

        …   …   …

        __As far as your question about how I would handle different love languages, that is tricky because the easy answer is that I would just notice their actions after I explained my needs-see if they are trying to meet me half way.

        __But I had a friend who use to drive me crazy because of his constant break-up, make-up relationship with his girlfriend. They would break up, he would tell her why he is ending it, she would do what he said and then he would take her back thinking she changed, but after about 6 months they would be right back where they started.

        __It is hard to change behaviors long-term, it is easy to change them short-term. But once we get comfortable we revert back into our old ways. Add to that the dangerous blinding effects of love on our common sense, and you have a person who would advise me as a third party spectator to leave a bad relationship, FIGHTING to stay in a bad relationship similar to the one they think I am crazy for not leaving…

        __The blind in love, never can see that they are blind.

        1. GoWiththeFlow

          Hey Adrian,

          I realize I didn’t go far enough in my comment below to fully answer your questions.  I had surgery this week so I’m going to blame the pain meds for that 😉

          Ideally both partners would be knowledgable about their own and their partner’s love language.  Both would try to express love to their partner in the partner’s love language.  At the same time, both people would be more aware of when their partner is expressing love in their love language.

          For instance since you are act of service and your girlfriend is receiving gifts, you will make an effort to bring her flowers or perhaps a small gift she would enjoy every so often.  She would help you pack your things up when you move, or stop by and get your dry cleaning on her way over to your place.  In return, when you change the oil in her car or watch her dog when she goes on a trip, she recognizes that this is an expression of love on your part.  And when she buys you a tie because it matches the color of your eyes, or brings you a half dozen muffins from your favorite bakery, you realize she is sharing her love with you.

          Additionally, as I mentioned in the comment below, knowing ours and our partner’s love language gives insight into why somethings may trigger a disagreement or argument with our partner while others may not.  For instance, if your girlfriend forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, this probably won’t just roll off your back.  Also, if you tell her that buying flowers for her is a waste of money, she is likely to react very negatively to that.

        2. Adrian

          Hi GoWithTheFlow,

          I wish you a speedy recovery from your surgery (^_^)

    2. 4.2
      GoWiththeFlow

      Hey Adrian,

      I haven’t been able to use the LL knowledge on a romantic partner, yet 😉  But I have been able to use it on my kids, siblings, and friends and it’s amazing what a little conscious effort can accomplish.  I’m acts of service, my adult son is words of affirmation, the little son is WOA and physical touch, and my daughter is quality time.  I’m 90% certain my brother is WOA.

      The secret is you have to both commit to giving the other person love in their language that may be awkward for you at first.  And once you understand your own LL, you can understand why certain things tend to upset you more than others.  When someone tells me they will do something that I can’t do by myself, i.e. remove an old appliance from the garage, and then they don’t come through, it really upsets me.  Knowing what I know about my LL, when something like this happens, I can mentally talk myself down from being angry because I realize this is a real trigger for me and I’m prone to overreacting to that vs. not getting a card on Mother’s Day.  (Which I didn’t, but my oldest son took the little two with his family to a friend’s barbecue and I had a nice afternoon off of mom duty.  I really appreciated that.)

      As for a girlfriend who is receiving gifts (which is also my lowest scoring LL) I’m pretty sure my aunt, who passed away several years ago, was this LL.  She gave us cards and gifts for every little holiday, and she would get hurt if it wasn’t reciprocated.  I would say you’re just going to have to accept that birthdays, anniversaries, etc. are important to her.  Set alerts on your calendar and make sure you plan something.  It doesn’t have to necessarily be big or extravagant, but a card with a personal note written in it, and something small she will really appreciate may just do the trick.

      In the book, the author, Gary Chapman, has couples do real practical exercises, like sitting down and writing out what things you appreciate from your partner, and writing down 3 things you would like them to do for you in a week.  He also talked about a woman in a dead marriage where she estimated what her husband’s LL was and then she decided to be a better wife, without expecting reciprocation, for a certain period of time using his LL.  Within weeks he started to return the kindness and after awhile, their marriage was satisfying to both.  They both said it was a miracle.

      One thing you touched on in your first comment was about making an effort not to just communicate words but to make sure there is true understanding.  In some relationships, you may never get true mutual understanding.  The interaction is you need to understand me by changing what you think, believe, etc.  I had a boyfriend who was way more politically and socially conservative than me.  He could never accept that my views were the result of my own unique experiences and that it was okay for me to have him.  I felt like I was with an evangelist who wouldn’t give up on trying to convert me and that I was wrong for not “seeing the light.”  My next boyfriend was even more conservative.  But we agreed to disagree on certain issues, and it was no big deal.

       

  5. 5
    John

    Very Good Stuff ! Many times I  heard same things from different people; irritated by this things. When I read this blog I am happy to see that same thing done on me. Thanks for sharing this post.

  6. 6
    Angel

    Always good stuff! Although for mature adults 12 months is enough to know IMHO.

  7. 7
    Elle

    I’ll admit I have not watched the video because I’m at work. However, I’m wondering what the guideline would be for a couple who is childless, neither have ever married but have been in LTRs,  and areof advancing age (I am 40 and he is 41), and probably interested in having a child?   I’m not sure if you address this in your video.  I fear rushing things due to the time pressure.  So far (9 months in) things are going well. I am curious about Evan’s recommendations for this scenario.

  8. 8
    Henriette

    I’m surprised that (relatively) few of the comments in this thread pertain to the main topic, since I think it’s such an important one.   When people say, as many are wont to, “couples divorce too easily!” I reply that most of those couples probably married too easily (which might include, too quickly).

    I couldn’t understand, from the podcast, if all the benchmarks describe the length of time before becoming affianced or if some are the length of time between first meeting and marrying.   In any case, YES YES YES, I agree that people should wait at least a couple of years to wed, even when they (we) are “older and wiser.”  I’ve been shocked by how many of my friends & family married a year or so after meeting, stating “when you know, you know!”

    I also appreciate that Evan stresses a couple should use this time to truly learn about each other.  One acquaintance very recently married.  She and her husband told each other 2 months after meeting online that this was “it” but waited to the 6-month mark to become officially engaged.  So, they only spent about 8 weeks getting to know each other; then the next 4 months picking an engagement ring, discussing where they were going to live, meeting future step-kids, etc.; the next 6 months planning the wedding (buying a dress, sending invitations, setting up the registry etc.).  The marriage might work ~ even a broken clock is right, twice/day, right? ~ but I think that deciding after 2 months and then letting the motion and excitement of engagement/wedding planning carry one forward is a risky proposition.

    Finally, I remember hearing, ages ago, some advice that you shouldn’t get engaged for at least 2 years bc that’s how long it takes for the until the initial infatuation had burned off, and by then you’ve had a few disagreements so you can evaluated your style of arguing and resolution, as a couple.   Sounds about right, to me.

     

  9. 9
    Bee

    Just wanted to say, Evan, before I even listened to this podcast, that you are absolutely right.
    Had I done that, I would have saved myself from an awful marriage.
    On the other hand, I would not have my lovely children…

  10. 10
    Christine

    I thought of this the other day when I found out about a 50-something former colleague of mine, who is getting married after six months.  Don’t get me wrong, I was over the moon thrilled for her that she found love again, after a tumultuous divorce.  He seems like a terrific guy and I really do like him.

    But, I just hope they’re not rushing things and that this isn’t too soon.  One thing that concerned me was when they had their first fight recently…and she seemed totally shell-shocked by what he said to her.  They have since reconciled and they didn’t see it as something worth breaking up over.  However, the fact she was that surprised by him makes me wonder how well they really know each other.

    I’m not completely sure why they can’t just continue to date and get to know each other better, before getting married.  Since they’re in their 50s, they see themselves as “older and wiser” and not needing to wait.  I sure hope they’re right and I’m wrong.

    1. 10.1
      Adrian

      Hi Christine,

      As I was reading this, I couldn’t help but think of how nicely this story would also fit into the podcast about chemistry. My guess is that your friend is on a chemistry high.

      What really caught my attention about your comment was when you said, ” Since they’re in their 50s, they see themselves as “older and wiser.”

      This statement is so power, yet so simple; I can’t believe that I have never considered it before!

      Christine, in you opinion do you believe this is why so many of the older commenters struggle with accepting much of Evan’s advice and why so many of them fight the ever changing modernization of rules in dating?

      I am the youngest person on the executive level at my new job, so you know I get all the typical nicknames associated with being a kid. The most interesting thing is when I suggest something or see a problem, it is shrugged off. Most older people regard the wisdom of someone younger as just cute, because to them they have seen it all and did it all.

      I now realize that it is the same on here with dating and relationship advice. You can say something and even show the science behind the “average” dating patterns of a certain gender, yet if a person has only seen men or women who only do such and such, than that s their reality-there is very little you can say to change their minds.

      Same thing with falling for chemistry, I am sure that your 50 something friend believes that she is old enough and has seen enough to know that she is not just a victim of the chemical high of new love and she knows the real him.

      1. 10.1.1
        Henriette

        @Adrian: This is an interesting point.  A dear friend in her mid 40s recently became engaged after being exclusive with a guy for 5 months.  They plan to wed exactly a year after their first date.   I asked her why they were rushing.  She replied, “when you’re older, you know what you’re looking for.”

        I think them foolish to commit so quickly.  However, she is someone who would happily have become engaged after 5 months when she was 23 years-old, too (we’ve been pals since childhood) even tho’ she’d probably never admit it, now.  I suspect your fellow executives making dismissive comments and couples in their 50s rushing towards marriage are simply the same people who’d have been just as dismissive or foolhardy in their youth… they haven’t changed except they now pretend their behaviours are based on wisdom and experience.

      2. 10.1.2
        Emily, the original

        Adrian,

        Same thing with falling for chemistry, I am sure that your 50 something friend believes that she is old enough and has seen enough to know that she is not just a victim of the chemical high of new love and she knows the real him.

        Have you ever felt that way about someone? Because it does make you crazy. Your body and mind turn on each other, and you aren’t thinking clearly. You can’t. Think of Governor Mark Sanford “hiking the Appalachian Trail.” He blew up his family for a woman he’s not even with anymore, but he wouldn’t have listened to any good advice at the time. He wasn’t in a place to hear it.

        I’m quoting Helen Fisher: “In that stage, it’s very difficult to control. It’s a drive like hunger, thirst, and ambition. You can’t turn the system off like a spigot.”

        Had he walked away from the affair, Fisher said in an interview: “There’s a term called frustration attraction; when you’re not with a person, you like them even more. The other woman may be camped out in his head.”

         

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