Why You’re A Dating Hypocrite


Ever start off hot and heavy with a guy who suddenly pulled back or ghosted? Of course, you have. Ever start off hot and heavy with a guy and realize he’s not the man for you? Of course, you have. Check out this Love U Podcast to understand why this is the very nature of dating – and how not to take it personally.

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Hi, I’m Evan Marc Katz, Dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Stick around to the end to discover why we’re all hypocrites when it comes to love and why it’s essential to recognize our own hypocrisy. When we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can join Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood. 

So true story, my client, Brianna, is a forty-nine year old, never married woman who’s always been drawn to emotionally unavailable men. 

When she started Love U Masters coaching, Brianna meets this guy, comes on strong, calling her every day saying, “you’re the one.” And soon they’re spending the night together four or five times a week. Now, like many relationships that start off hot and heavy, it feels great. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, chemistry, talking about a future, think I’m falling in love with you. 

And after a few weeks, Brianna starts to realize as she learns more about this guy who she’s spending all of her time with, that something didn’t feel quite right. And, she wasn’t gonna come out and criticize him or tell him what was wrong with him, whatever her misgivings were. She just recognized that this thing that she thought was right wasn’t right. She dove into the pool and there was no water in the pool, and she decided she needed to get out of the pool. So she breaks up with him. And he was shocked because everything seemed so great. But she did the right thing objectively. She did the right thing instead of continuing a relationship that didn’t feel right. 

Now, would anybody, maybe you, doubt that Brianna is a good person? I wouldn’t. She is my client. And if Brianna is a good person for diving into a hot and heavy relationship and then having second thoughts, doesn’t it stand to reason that a man could do the exact same thing? Yeah. 

So that doesn’t absolve they are actually bad men. There are bad men who just use you for sex without commitment and know they’re doing something wrong. But I think there’s a lot more situations like the one I just described with Brianna. Just because a guy is into you at the beginning doesn’t mean that much for the future. 

And just because he pulls back abruptly upon realizing timing is wrong, it doesn’t mean he’s a jerk. It means it hurts, but it doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person. 

If anything, he’s just a human being who, like you, doesn’t always know what he wants and is open to changing his mind on being presented with new evidence. Even if he seemed sure a week ago. We’ve all been in that position.

 Your two takeaways from this should be this. 

Number one, don’t dive into a hot and heavy relationship at all. Take your time to evaluate whether a person has long term potential both before you sleep with him and before you decide to call him a boyfriend. 

And number two, just as importantly, recognize that men go through largely the same emotions as you do. In general, when we’re single, all the women we have crushes on, don’t want us. All of the women who want us, we’re not that interested in. Same story as yours.

And when we finally have a moment of chemistry, it feels like everything makes sense and we dive in only to find out that, sure enough, there’s more to the story than just initial chemistry. This, in and of itself doesn’t make him a bad person. It makes him human just like you. 

My name is Evan Marc Katz. 

Thank you for tuning into the Love U podcast.

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Please share an honest review on Apple Podcasts. 

If you want to find love right now and are committed to making healthier choices with men so you can have an easier relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood look for the link below and fill out an application to apply to Love U. 

Thank you so much. 

I’ll talk to you soon. 

  1. Download my free special report, The 8 Massive Mistakes You’re Making in Relationships
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  1. 1

    I don’t know if I would call having a bunch of hot sex a relationship. If this “hot and heavy” relationship is just mostly sex and fun hanging out, and doesn’t involve any pretention of love or seriousness, I don’t see how anyone would feel weird if it ended. Usually, people feel shocked or surprised because seriousness was pretended. One person let on that it is more than it actually is.

    And this is where I somewhat have a problem with women making men jump through a bunch of hoops, spending weeks, even months, insisting on the commitment and boyfriend title before they have sex. Then they have sex, it seems to be good enough to keep the relationships hot and heavy for a while, everything else still seems to be fine (after all, she’s already vetted him for weeks or months). And – all of a sudden, she drops him. Yeah, I can see how a guy might get a little upset with this.

    She pretended seriousness. then she pretended everything was all right. Then she tailspins on him It just seems dishonest. If there are issues, don’t pretend everything is all right. If there aren’t, why are you breaking up after all that?

    Now, a guy won’t make her jump through too many hoops before he hops in bed with her. Most men won’t insist on her having the girlfriend title before they have sex with her. Agreeing to take on the boyfriend title and being exclusive is the only way for him to take it to the next step with her. Therefore, it doesn’t mean that much to him. What does he have to lose? At worst, he’ll have to be exclusive for a day to see if he still likes her after sex, then he can break up with her.

    But even then, if he pretends to be all into it and never shows the slightest sign of anything being wrong over the course of weeks or months, it seems deceptive.

    I think it might all depend on how serious someone takes the terms boyfriend/girlfriend. Some think it implies no more than temporary exclusivity (if that), others think that it is more of an intent of long-term, and you’re simply seeing if you’re compatible that way. But it means that problems are addressed as they arise, and that there should be a certain amount of communication.

    1. 1.1
      Mrs Happy

      Dear Sylvana,
      I’d call weeks of sleeping together, hanging out together, and communicating frequently, a relationship. Different people might have differing labels for that relationship, but there is a connection there, and they are both into it. It’s fairly accepted in most cultures we are envisaging here on Evan’s blog that, being both into it, they are each now going to evaluate one another, and themselves (though people forget to do the latter) in this relationship over time; stay if things are going well, leave if they’re not. I don’t see much pretense most of the time, rather I see a trying-out period.

      That’s the model, right? So if person A takes x time frame to do thought/feeling/action C, person B just has to decide whether they’re content with that time frame. I think it perfectly reasonable someone would feel weird, unsettled, surprised, hurt, etc. if things end and they don’t want them to. It’s perhaps a difference in hope rather than seriousness. And I don’t think many people communicate what they see as suboptimal or wrong with a relationship in the first few months, instead they just say goodbye and move on.

      1. 1.1.1

        Mrs. Happy,

        The dating culture in the European countries I grew up in was very different than it is in the US. I guess that’s why I find the US system very confusing at times.

        The different labels for the relationship is where the problem comes into play. To some people, being a boyfriend/girlfriend actually means something (evaluating each other for possible long-term compatibility), to others, it’s more of a casual thing, and they will have boyfriends/girlfriends, even if they have zero intentions of ever being with the person long-term. They look at boyfriends/girlfriends in a very casual and interchangeable way with no intentions of ever forming a relationship with meaning. The boyfriend/girlfriend is the current casual distraction. They’re exclusive until something better comes along or until they get bored.

        The same goes for dating. There is casual dating, there is casual dating with an open mind of finding someone for a serious relationship, and there’s dating to find a serious relationship. But very few people are actually honest about their goals. The casual ones don’t want to ruin their chances of having fun, and the serious ones don’t want to scare their dates/boyfriend/girlfriend off.

        I do have to say that I find that there really isn’t a somewhat clearly defined standard here in the US. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re in a relationship to figure out long-term compatibility. It very much seems to depend on the individual person. Heck, it seems that in this country, you have to have an official talk about being boyfriend/girlfriend. Until you do, all the sex and hanging out together that does not officially make you such (which is baffling to me).

        1. Mrs Happy

          Yes I’d agree that very few people detail with clarity exactly what they are hoping for upon entering a relationship. To do so increases vulnerability and risk, and illustrates perhaps too harshly for some any difference in aims. It’s a shame really, because relationships begun with clearer, more honest communications, tend to have a genuine aspect to them that is lovely, no matter how the relationship pans out.

  2. 2

    I just went through something similar that reminded me what it’s like to be on the other side, i.e. – the mans’ side of things.

    I had my second date with a man. He checked the boxes and we both felt some chemistry on the first date. He really liked me and was chasing me aggressively. He called, made plans, talked about potential dates for the future, texted, gave me flowers, and so on. But I wasn’t feeling it. I sensed something was off and I was right.

    In the nicest way possible, I let him know that we weren’t a match. He was so angry and responded accordingly. I think I hurt his feelings, and I know he is really eager to find his life partner. I am too. It’s just not him.

    A good reminder that chemistry on one side doesn’t result in a relationship. Also a reminder to be kind when you do let someone down.

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