How to Always Be Your Best Self With Men

How to Always Be Your Best Self With Men

Before I tell you the secret to being confident with men, I need to confess something:

Even though my business is based on confidence — the willingness to boldly assert how to conduct your love life — I frequently have my own crisis of confidence.

I try not to let you see this side of me, of course. What’s the point of letting you know that your dating coach is having a bad day?

But, in the interest of authenticity, I think it’s useful to offer you full disclosure about my insecurities and inadequacies. Ready? Here’s my confession:

I am a much better dating coach than I am a businessman.

It’s hard not to feel like a failure sometimes.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s a huge deal to me.

I write a newsletter every week and two blog posts every week. I run group coaching and maintain 9 private clients at a time.

In between, I try to create more value for you: more social networking, better use of technology, maybe even create more inexpensive products for you.

Well, guess what? I haven’t created a new product since 2011.

So what have I been doing?

Struggling. Really, really, struggling. Mostly with hiring and technology.

I’ve been redesigning my online dating profile writing site, e-Cyrano, for 2 1/2 years — and have gone through FOUR web teams in the Philippines, India and the U.S.

I’ve also been redesigning since 2012. It was supposed to be complete in May. It’s now late October.

It’s hard not to feel like a failure sometimes.

But you know what? As many times as I’ve failed, I kept persevering. And although it hasn’t always been the easiest journey, I am only weeks away from launching BOTH of my updated websites.

They’re real. They’re beautiful. They’re my gifts to you.

I’m only mentioning this because I hope that you never even saw a hint of my insecurities. I trust that every time you read this blog or open an email from me, it’s with anticipation that I’ll share something optimistic, thought-provoking or confidence-inspiring.

Long story short: like you, I’ve struggled to accomplish something big and important. I never gave up. And I’m finally going to see the fruits of my labor.

Stick with me on your journey to love, and you will, too.

Now, for your actual content…

There are lots of kinds of fear in the world. Most of them are irrational.

I’m pretty afraid of needles. Nobody dies when a nurse sticks a needle into your arm. But that doesn’t stop me from getting queasy, anyway.

The most common fear I see is worrying about how others perceive you.

This started when you were a child and it scarred you.

Maybe you were heavy or wore glasses and little kids teased you.
Maybe you had a stutter or were really shy.
Maybe you tried out for the play and didn’t get cast.

Whatever it is, you’re still carrying that fear around with you.

I, for one, remember almost every barb ever hurled my way.

I remember when my parents first told me I couldn’t sing as I imitated Billy Joel in the backseat of our Oldsmobile.

A mark of happiness is the dual feeling of being self-expressed and accepted.

I remember when my roommate told me my tie was ugly and I shouldn’t bother to leave the house with it.

I remember the JDate who confessed after an hour that she wasn’t at all attracted to me, even though I was wildly attracted to her.

What does all this mean?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

But if I carry around these fears and insecurities wherever I go, how will live my life? Scared. Paralyzed. Insecure.

I am fortunate to have not internalized my insecurities. I’ve pushed them aside.

It’s more fun this way.

I host karaoke parties where I lead the crowd in singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me”.

I wear hats and vests and bold colors, even if some don’t agree with my taste.

I married a beautiful woman who constantly reminds me that she is attracted to me — even if I’ve put on ten extra pounds since my kids were born.

I choose to lead a fully confident, self-expressed life, no matter what baggage I may be carrying.

You can, too.

A mark of happiness is the dual feeling of being self-expressed and accepted.

Think about that for a sec.

Being self-expressed is being authentic, vulnerable, and truthful. It’s being yourself, saying what’s on your mind, and not worrying about what others think.

Being accepted is the result of being self-expressed. Because you’re so confident and real, people respond to you and respect you more than if you’re meek and fearful.

So how can you channel your best self wherever you go?

How can you act the same way with your closest friends, your family, your work colleagues and your boyfriend?

How can you stop living in fear?

How can you stop walking on eggshells?

How can you stop worrying about what others’ think?

How can you be the most confident and self-expressed you?

This is the version of you that you love the most.

This is the version of you that men will love as well.

This is the version of you that you’re meant to be every day for the rest of your life.

This is what I’m here to share with you.

In the meantime, thank you for being a part of my community.

Thank you for listening to me share.

And if you liked today’s blog, make sure you sign up to receive my newsletter.

Until then, best wishes,

Your friend,


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  1. 21

    While I am a recent follower of your blog, I have spent many hours going through the archives and reading all of the comments.   I have never posted before.   Reading through all of this has helped me so much, in getting over my most recent breakup and in figuring out what I truly want from a relationship.   I have recommended it and your other products to everyone I know who is struggling in the world of dating.   Please know that you have an impact on the world that is positive and insightful, sometimes in quiet ways.   Looking forward to seeing what comes next and thank you!!

  2. 22
    Soul Sister

    Evan, I am like Rebecca #19….when my friends start complaining or questioning men, I am always saying “well, Evan says…” and I have told many, many friends to download “why he disappeared”.   I can’t (nor do I have the patience!) to give them any worthwhile advice, so I send them to your site so you can give it to them.   If they choose not to read, download…their problem.   I listened, changed my online profile to show my softer side, met a man on match, 2 years later we are still together.   When I added something about cooking a signature dish to my profile (instead of sounding only like a tough business woman!), the emails came flying in…got that tip from you!   So thank you from me too, and I hope you have made a LOT of money off that ebook!!!   Cause to us clueless women, it was priceless!

  3. 23

    Soul Sister 22 – sounds great to me.   What a brilliant idea, adding your signature dish to your profile.   It does show a more womanly side.   I also noticed that when I mentioned how I like to  make dishes from scratch (cakes, cookies, etc.) men are sometimes stunned (and women too by the way!).
    Our profiles (online or snap judgements) can sometimes be awfully wrong!

  4. 24

    Really, the only advice sites anyone needs are this one, Baggage Reclaim, and Dear Sugar. Maybe also Miss Manners, just for the technical points.
    As for crises of confidence — lemme tell ya something, folks. Everyone on earth falls into one of the following two categories:
    1. Egomaniacal assholes  
    2. People who feel like failures or feel stupid some or all of the time.  
    Maybe you look around at other people and think “Wow, how does everyone else seem to have it together? What makes me different?” You need to know that if there’s any difference, it’s in that S word right there. SEEM. Think of the most confident, successful, accomplished people you know. If they fall into the first category above, you’ll know immediately. All the others are in the second category. ALL of them. You and maybe the entire rest of the world are blown away by everything they’ve done and managed to do,  but I guaran-damn-tee you that none of them lay their heads down on their pillows every single night secure that they’ve done their best at everything and accomplished everything they set out to do and that it’s enough. I’ll double guaran-damn-tee you that at least a few of them, despite everything they’ve done, think they’re total failures, or frauds who don’t deserve anything they have.  
    So really, Evan, and everyone else: It’s not just you. It’s everyone worth knowing. Absolutely everyone. The important thing is that you keep trying, whether that means wallowing for a second and then putting it aside and going back to work, or doing a detailed assessment of what works for you and what doesn’t, or just straight up faking it until you make it. Whatever it takes, the only thing you can’t do is STOP. Just keep going!

  5. 25
    Peter 61

    Recruiting decent help! I so sympathise. And Indian Internet firms! Monsters! So who does the accounts?

  6. 26

    Hi Evan, I really enjoy reading your blog, you are doing an excellent job! Best wishes. M

  7. 27


    You are very insightful and a great communicator.     Everything i read from you make so much down to earth sense.     Thanks for this column.     It really touched me and I believe that it will allow me to open up, be more honest about myself.     By that I mean be more willing to show and talk about the parts of myself that are perhaps a little quirky or not perfect, and in doing so hopefully come across as an authentic person.


  8. 28

    Awesome post, love reading your blog

  9. 29

    Hi Evan,

    As always a great post. It’s good to hear you being real/vulnerable as it’s never easy to do but keep doing what you do because you’re work is amazing and helps many people!! Xx Remember, just because someone doesn’t leave a comment doesn’t mean they’re not inspired, moved or helped by your work but that they may be scared to interact in the global world! !! Xx

  10. 30

    Thank you Evan. Your blog really helps. Years ago I suffered mental abuse and was mostly afraid what others thought of me. I felt like i couldn’t be myself. I was insecure. I was sick of being that way but I learned not to care what others think. Afterwards i felt like i could breathe!

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