Do You Think It Is a Choice Between Being Alone and Getting Hurt? Think Again…

In an email I sent out yesterday, I talked about the cost of pain and suffering. I mentioned that we will pay lots of money for pleasure – a car, a vacation – but are not as generous with ourselves when it comes to removing pain. If you’ve ever balked at $200/hr therapists before, you know what I’m talking about. You’d have to go to therapy every single week for 2 straight years to come close to buying a cheap car. Yet you’re more likely to get the car.

Anyway, I wanted to be clear about something I said in that email about the pain of being smart, strong, successful…and single: I’m not assuming that you’re waking up miserable every morning because you don’t have a relationship. Absolutely not. In fact, I’m assuming the opposite. I’m assuming that you’re a generally happy woman with a healthy sense of self-esteem, a great bunch of friends and a good job. I’m assuming that you’ve loved and lost and been hurt by a number of men. Finally, I’m assuming that you’d prefer to find a happy, healthy, nurturing, fun, passionate relationship that lasts forever.

If I’m wrong — if you’d rather be alone than to have a happy, healthy, nurturing, fun, passionate relationship — then my new book, Why He Disappeared isn’t for you. I think it is for you, but there’s one thing holding you back. You’d rather be alone than to risk getting hurt again. And if that’s the case, you’ve already got your own wish.

There’s no risk in staying alone — you can continue to live this way forever — but there’s also no reward. There’s no one to wake up next to you. No one to comfort you directly after a hard day at work. No one to surprise you with a weekend away or homemade pancakes. No one to provide you the love, support and companionship that you desire. And sex! Don’t forget about regular sex with a man you truly care about and who cares for you. If you don’t put yourself out there, if you don’t learn to understand men, if you just leave things the way they are now, nothing is going to change. You’ll read my emails one year from now and your love life will be the same.

If you don’t put yourself out there, if you don’t learn to understand men, if you just leave things the way they are now, nothing is going to change.

If you’re not content with the way that sounds, you’re going to love Why He Disappeared — The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever. It’s coming out on Tuesday, and because this is the culmination of a full year of research, writing, and lots of ups and downs, I really want to make sure that you’re getting tremendous value out of it.

At this point, you’ve already contemplated the cost of your own pain. How it would feel better to have an amazing relationship than to have an amazing car, and so on. So how much would it be worth for you to know the secrets of the male mind: what we think, why we do what we do, and what you can do differently? Because with the limited time offer that’s coming out Tuesday, I’m going to give you a 130 page eBook that you can read on your computer in seconds. If that’s all I were giving you, the peace of mind and years you’ve saved alone would be worth thousands of dollars. But — as a new husband — I’m really focused on trying to be a giver, not a taker.

Remember, it’s not a matter of choosing between being alone and getting hurt. There’s another path, and I can’t wait to share it with you.

Have a great weekend.

With love,


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  1. 1

    That is an interesting statement you make, Evan.  I believe I have been guilty of that sort of either/or comparison.  But you're working on me…I recognize I have issues with pride and being risk averse.  But I'm also willing to hear that I'm wrong and such attitudes are based on distorted thinking.

  2. 2

    being alone is a choice even if youa re afraid of getting hurt.Been alone is not a choice  when you  have  tried to be ina relationship which is never working.If youa re afraid of been hurt be cautious but its better to be alone than get hurt again at the same time dont be too over cautious cos u wont be getting nothing

  3. 3
    kevin blumer

    i didnt make that choise i made the stay with someone and get hurt and i did get hurt a lot i wish at the time i had of left i would not of got hurt then i am now alone and strating to learn to live bymyself it has took sometime and i still dont really like being alone

  4. 4
    Been There

    I don’t agree. It’s an over-used sentiment, but walk a mile in my shoes. Thirtysomething and completely alone. It all started with my father. He loved me for about two years of my life and then it was clear to me that he hated me. He was abusive at worst and distant at best. All other males have done the same thing to me. Sorry, but I’m NOT willing to keep getting my heart smashed in a door. Men are all the same- they all use you and then dispose of you. A guy can find a much better woman than I just looking at porn, which is all men do. I’m not perfect enough, I’m just not GOOD enough. And I never will be- for anyone.

    1. 4.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Well, that’s ultra-sad, Been There. Please don’t tell my wife that all men “use and dispose” of women. She likes to think she’s happy.

    2. 4.2

      I agree. Thats why I’m isolating myself and staying away from all women. Men like me don’t deserve happiness.

  5. 5

    You  can have a partner and still have no one who cares for you.   At this point I would rather die in my sleep in my late forties than have to live through old age still single. In my mid-forties now.

  6. 6

    This thread is making me sad.

    our society trains us to believe we aren’t good enough. It’s on us to tell society to go f itself. We are fine the way we are. We all have things we need to work on but that is the beauty of being human. We all have good in us and we can make a choice. No one of us is worth more than another, especially over shit like income, job, attractiveness, height, bra size, etc. that won’t mean a thing when you’re six feet under.

  7. 7
    Roslyn Washington

    this post is awful. The women and men here need prayer and learn to love like Jesus.

  8. 8

    Evan, I think now is a good time to re-read this post. At this time, I am experiencing trying online dating again for the first time in years, and also a lot of thoughts and feelings brought up the the Kavanaugh hearings. For some people those are two very different things. For me, and people like me, it’s not.

    As much as I know that the actions of one man, or a few men are not all men, I notice that I am feeling particularly raw right now. I flinch when a co-worker calls Dr Ford “Floozy Ford”. I read about getting unsolicited dick pics, and my stomach turns silently. I think about getting out of my comfort zone with men, and I find my shoulders rising toward my ears – my instinctive reaction to make myself less of a target.

    What’s great about this post is that for me, it’s a reminder to ask myself: what does it mean to be afraid of being hurt? I never thought I was afraid of being hurt because I’m not fearful of a relationship not working out, or that I will be used sexually, or that I would “waste my time”.

    Being in this process is reminding me where I do have fears: fear of being judged (what if he gets mad that I don’t like spicy food….or being up late…or Alex Jones)? I have fear that I will be made wrong for my thoughts, my habits,     my beliefs (what if he tells me that I’m wrong for letting my cat sleep on the bed…wrong for leaving dishes in the sink in favor of spending time with friends…wrong for wanting to eat healthy when he wants to eat french fries)? What if he pressures me to do things his way, and not mine? Will my “no” be heard this time?

    It’s not even so much that I’m afraid those things will happen – every relationship has conflict of some kind. I’m most afraid of losing the peace of no conflict that being alone has enabled me to have. And though I’m very well aware that we each are responsible for our own peace and well being, I find myself uncomfortable with the pain of those conflicts. So I am learning to trust myself to know when I’ve had enough, to hear my own “no”. I am learning that when I honor myself, that’s everything I need. I am remembering to love myself in spite of my obvious flaws, and in doing so, realize they were never really flaws anyway.

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