Maria’s Coaching Journey with Evan Marc Katz – Week 10

Hola!

The theme of this coaching call was all about becoming the CEO of my love life. I told Evan that even though I had a lot of fun communicating with four guys at a time I felt overwhelmed. How can I manage multiple connections?

He asked me what I wanted my love life to look like – how many dates a week did I want? I said one. I work 40 hours a week and I couldn’t possibly date on a week night after working all day. I don’t get out of work until 8:00pm, I’d have to go home and get ready and by then, it would be too late to go out.

He responded, “Have you heard the expression ‘the perfect is the enemy of the good? If you wait for all the conditions to be perfect, it’ll never happen. You can’t just have four men, two of whom are in other cities, one of whom hasn’t emailed you in two weeks. You have to log in every day! Be open to going out after work sometimes. Communicate with 7-10 guys in your inbox at all times if you want 1 quality date a week. If you don’t do this, you will not have any dates.”

At the same time, Evan suggested that I can take my time replying and don’t have to communicate with every man every day. The guy I like the most who follows directions (the 2-2-2 rule), gets the first slot – which means I reply to him first. The ones I don’t like as much and are not good at following directions can wait. Momentum is very important but it’s okay if I wait 2-3 days to reply to men I’m not as excited about.

If the guy seems weird or it doesn’t feel right, I should FIRE HIM. I can set my own boundaries and don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to. Nothing happens without my permission.

We also discussed a response if I’m asked on a date when I already have plans. I don’t have to say “no” or shut them down but respond with something open-ended that keeps momentum flowing – like: “I’m already booked for this Saturday, how about if you give me a call on Sunday and we’ll make plans for next week?” Perfect.

Now the conversation moved to my Italian suitor from California. I told Evan that I’ve continued communicating with this guy but there’s something weird about it and he says he’s coming to Miami next weekend! What if he wants to have sex? We haven’t talked that much and really don’t know each other very well? Evan said I was wasting my time and energy. If the guy seems weird or it doesn’t feel right, I should FIRE HIM. I can set my own boundaries and don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to. Nothing happens without my permission.

I can’t tell you how wonderful is to have Evan in my corner, helping me sort out my experiences and mixed feelings. Wish I had known him 20 years ago…it would have saved me so much time and pain. But as they say, better late than never. 🙂

As I mentioned at the beginning of the blog, I sometimes get a little overwhelmed with the process, so my continued practice of yoga/meditation/breathing exercise helps me move the energy in the right direction. The good news is, the dating process gets easier and less personal with each coaching session – and of course, lots of dates.

In today’s video, I’m sharing with you the Prayer to Attract Great Love by Marianne Williamson that I read every day. Hope you like it….

Until next week,

Maria

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Sunflower

    Hi Maria, I’ve been following your journey and I, myself, am gearing up to try online dating again.  I’ve been working on my profile and getting pics together.  I totally relate to the overwhelming factor.  I work 40+ hours/wk and hit the gym as well.  In addition to family, friends, home, etc.  I know I need to be open to dating during the week and have come up with a plan for myself, which leaves two days open to date, plus weekends.  I use to hit the gym 5x/wk (doesn’t leave time for anything else).  Now, I double up on my work out classes, two hour sessions (cardio/strength) three days a week.  At times it can be daunting, especially if I’ve had a hard day and feeling really tired, but it frees up my time during the week.  I actually feel more energized.  And, we are about the same age (52), so no excuses there for me.   

    1. 1.1
      Maria

      I’m happy to hear that you’re doing whatever it takes to find true love. I’ve moved a lot of things around just like you to be able to do the online dating. I also do yoga, walk/run and prepare all my meals most of the time. In addition I have to take time to put my thoughts together for the blog and figure out which friend is available to help me film the video every week. 
      The truth is that we can always find time for what we REALLY want.
      Cheers to you, Sunflower!

  2. 2
    mgm531

    It’s all about the numbers.  As an overlay sales professional for the past 20 years I can tell you it takes a very large quantity of contacts for any sales result.  To that end it takes a lof of ‘smiling and dialing’ as it’s called to result in success.  Typically I can expect to contact between 15-20 people per week to generate around 3-5 new sales opportunities per week.  Out of those opportunities I can expect maybe 5-10 solid sales proposals per month and out of the sales proposals I can expect about 5 ‘closes’ per month.  Success in sales doesn’t come without a tremendous amount of front end work, but that’s the beauty of the numbers.  If you have a big enough pool to work with succes is almost garuanteed — you just have to make enough contacts and you’re bound to be successful.  It helps if you approach dating the same way.  To be sure it may seem impersonal to do this, but from a numbers perspective it makes sense.  

  3. 3
    Gabri'el

    I understand and agree with what you are saying Mgm, but I don’t think that is what Maria was talking about, I think she was speaking more about just having so many guys to talk to during the week, that it’s hard to keep the “same” level of upbeat, enthusiastic energy and momentum going with them all.
     
     
    I’m currently in that situation myself now. My inbox and winks are full, but I just don’t have the energy to give more than one girl at a time too much attention. Every time I try to talk to more than one women during the week or go out, I’m always left feeling more drained than happy. Like Sunflower, I have a pretty active life and demanding college major. The personal activities I can cut back on, but with school I don’t have that option. My dad keeps telling me to just quit dating until I’m finish with med school, but who wants to be single for so many years?
     
     
    Though Maria, I am curious… when Evan tells you to talk to guys you “really don’t like as much”, what was his reason why you should do that? Isn’t it just wasting their and your time? Or is the purpose to just use them until something happens with the guy you really like? I ask because, though my inbox is full, I’m not attracted to about 99% of them, and I would feel too guilty to just string someone along or pretend we have a chance, when I know we don’t… Or is Evan telling you to give those guys a chance because he’s thinking: “Who knows, one might surprise you”.

    1. 3.1
      Maria

      Gabriel, from Evan and other relationships experts I follow I’ve learn that is important to date “out of type”.  We tend to be attracted to the same kind of people. We have to be flexible specially if we keep attracting “the wrong men/women”….
      What I do is I choose some of the very good looking guys that I feel very attracted to, as well as  guys that have a nice smile, a kind look in their eyes and very important a profile that resonates with what I’m looking for in terms of a relationship and not just the looks. I don’t say I’m picking people that i don’t like, just people I may have not give it a shot in the past.
      One of my favorite sayings is: if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always got. 
      Hope this helps…Keep me posted! 

      1. 3.1.1
        Gabri'el

        Hi Maria, my male brain is having a hard time distinguishing between “someone I’m not really attracted to” and “out of type”. Aren’t they not our type because we aren’t attracted to them?
         
        And didn’t this backfire on you with your first date? The guy who you said looked like his picture, but still when you saw him in person, you thought about just jumping in your car and driving away!

        1. GreatGal

          Gabri’el
          I’ve followed Evan’s advise in dating out of type. I used to date only highly educated, high earning men. I gave my now-bf a shot although he only finished high school.  
          Of course, i gave him a shot because i was open to meeting different types of men. He’s good looking, not the best-looking and i was open for time work its magic and have this interest grow. Now I find him VERY attractive physically and he really is the best man I know because of his character and personality.
          So to answer your question, girls don’t necessary have one criteria. We can have a moving scale for different attributes. If the scales balance out (i.e. less on looks, more on stability/education vs good income and nice person and less looks) we can still give it a chance and see if attraction or a relationship can develop.
          That’s my take on Evan’s advice. Thanks Evan, it worked well for me! 

        2. Maria

          Gabri’el, One of the most important pieces of information I’ve learned in the past couple of years is about the effect of chemistry in our behavior and decisions… Go to Evan’s page and watch the video on chemistry if you haven’t watch it yet…
           
          The things that will really make us happy are…honesty, loyalty, trust, respect, fun, love. 
          I actually went on two dates this weekend, had a great time and neither were my type. They want to go on a second date and I’m excited to see if indeed the chemistry can move up, like Greatgal said.
          Lots of luck and please keep me posted. 

  4. 4
    Henriette

    It sounds as tho’ you’re working hard at this and being very thoughtful about the process.  Good for you, Maria!  I think I’d need a spreadsheet to help me keep all these different men straight in my mind.
     
    Are you really able to find so many men who you find attractive-enough and who respond to you, too?  When I was online dating, I didn’t uncover a lot of men who were both moderately-appealing and found me moderately-appealing, in return. 

    1. 4.1
      Josie

      Henriette, that’s been my experience with O.D.  I feel like men (and maybe online daters in general) are “window shopping”, and it’s rare to develop a connection that leads to a date.  

      I remember a blog post (Evan’s I think) named “A Man is Not Real Until He is Your Boyfriend”.   Take all the emails with a chunk of salt, and a tiny kernel of hope, because it’s more likely than not that the man will either vanish or there will be no chemistry and continued connection once you speak on the phone or meet one another. That said, you DO have to maintain hope despite all the odds, which is why the process is SO trying! 

      Good luck Maria!

       

    2. 4.2
      Maria

      I know it can be frustrating not to be liked back from the ones we find more attractive. The thing I learned with Evan is that the people that are attractive have a fuller inbox and much more options than the ones that are not.

      The email writing techniques from Finding the One Online help you increase your chances of men noticing you and writing back. Like Josie said, we just have to keep optimistic and contacting people, this is much better than the alternative to wait and hope to find love in Starbucks. 😉
       

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