Maria’s Coaching Journey with Evan Marc Katz – Week 11

Hola!

I believe my coaching journey with Evan has been about much more than just me meeting someone, so today I’ll be sharing how I’ve learned to know and understand myself better and the process of online dating.

11 weeks into my coaching, I am so much more confident than when I started. I have a clear understanding of what I want and don’t want. I now recognize how different my behavior and emotions are with the guys I like compared to those I don’t like (as much). It’s amazing to me to see how much my behavior changes based on chemistry or lack of chemistry.

I’m also learning to trust my instincts and make better choices. Remember I said there was something weird about the Italian guy from California, and that Evan had advised me to fire the guy since the beginning? Well, he turned out to be a scammer. Last week, he asked me for money. I believe there were two reasons why I kept the communication open with him. One, I was absolutely drawn in with his sweet little messages and songs in the beginning and a part of me wanted him to be real. And two, since I’m documenting my entire journey, I wanted to follow through to the end so I could validate my suspicions and share it with you. I’m hopeful that my experience will prevent other vulnerable women from falling into the same trap.

What’s more important is to keep moving forward, do the work and actively communicate, and don’t waste time with the men that are weird, lazy or not moving forward.

Evan had said that scammers usually target women over 50. Mature woman have less men contacting them than younger women and it makes them an easier target. Younger women have fuller inboxes making it more difficult for a scam artist to connect with them.

Another thing that I’m learning is to not take things personally. It’s not easy, but with online dating it’s very important to understand that whatever happens has nothing to do with me. As Evan reminded me, “just because someone asked you for money or you were contacted by a loser, is no reason to stop dating.”

And last, I now realize that when I’m focused on one or two guys, my attention towards other men diminishes…but this seems to be a normal behavior. What’s more important is to keep moving forward, do the work and actively communicate, and don’t waste time with the men that are weird, lazy or not moving forward.

As always, thank you for your support and remember to keep your heart open to give and receive love.

Until next week,

Maria

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Crista

    Maria! I love watching your journey. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. You WILL find LOVE!

  2. 2
    nordicgoddess

    I so appreciate this blog and the shared experiences, I would like to add my experience as a 49 year young women,  and a 28 year career as a stylist. Its sad that we need dating gurus, good to know they are here for us, but is it helping? Its like fat free and sugar free food, people eat them yet Americans are after then ever. Ladies, stop giving the milk away, get a life. Find yourself and you will find a man who will respect you, if thats what you want. Most of my older clients who become widows dont want another man, to take care of.so think about the next 50 years before you jump into a marriage. Or dating at 50.

    1. 2.1
      Josie

      I’m not sure what you mean by this- I’m not a woman over 50, but I think the concept of having a partner is hardly unique and most women (even widows) do desire to at least be in a relationship, if not remarry and end up with “a man to take care of.”  I’m 38, but I have late 40s-50s friends, who inspire me in my life because of all they have been through and their wisdom. My friends do seek to date and are just as frustrated by Match as I am, but like me, they do not give up despite the emotional lows dating can bring.    

      1. 2.1.1
        nordicgoddess

        Hi josie,  being in a relationship is great, if it is a good one. The divorce rate is high because it’s really about finding someone that you can be with for a lengthy time and still be good. There are plenty of miserably married people. So many people want so badly to be in a relationship,  then they get into one, and life gets complicated. All I am saying is be realistic,  find out who you are, be happy alone first, be independent, its about respecting yourself and you have to respect the other person. I am lucky, I look great for my age, I enjoy dating,  I get lots of dates, I have fun. But dating at 49 is not that great though. I was married at 22 divorce at 42, I was lucky I didn’t have to pay alimony,  but I did pay a lot $$$, my youth, and yes, I cooked, cleaned, and played the bills,I did all everything a wife should do for her hhusband.  There are men whoalso  end up being the main support,  so find the partner that creates a balance not a deficit.  There is so much to finding a healthy relationship that grows. Thats all I’m saying. 

  3. 3
    Love

    Hi Maria I feel for you.  Glad you got Evan by your side.  What didn’t kill you will make you happier:)

  4. 4
    Susan Knoll

    Maria,

    I have been contacted by many of these types. I have learned to spot them in the first or second contact. I have noticed a few things they all tend to have in common.

    1. Marital status : widowed but not mention of it in profile
    2. Only have 1 or 2 pictures posted and they look as if they came out of a catalogue…the men are usually very good looking. No offense but men that good looking just sit back and let their inboxes fill up.
    3. Hair/eye color do not match picture
    4. Message they send ..ut is very obvious they have only primary school education. They also tend to use “cos” in place of “because”.
    5. Always looking for a “Godly/ Christian/faithful” woman. Christian faith will sometimes be very prevalent throughout their profiles.
    6. Their first contact message to you is VERY long..in excess of 6 paragraphs where they espouse you are the most perfect person for them. They will tell you they do not get on the site very often and give you their email, which tends to be very generic ” johnsmith@gmail.com
    7. OR more recently I have received messages from users who claim a “friend of theirs who does not believe in online dating” saw my profile and went crazy . Said friend does not know this person is contacting me and would make said friend’s day if I emailed them and here is email.

    EMK has great scripts for handling these. I have just learned that if your instinct tells you something is not right, listen to it!

    Thank you Maria for following through. I think there are more ladies who get scammed than we know. We all want to believe the best…and hope in the fairy tale. But we need to protect ourselves by being smart. As EMK says ignore the positives, pay attention to the negatives.

    Keep reaching for the stars Maria!
    Susan 

    1. 4.1
      Maria

      Thank you for taking your time to point out some of the signs of scammers, it may prevent others to fall prey to them. 
       

  5. 5
    IntellectualCandy

    Amen!  Don’t waste time on the LAZY ones.

  6. 6
    Josie

    Maria, thanks for continuing to share your dating journey.  
    Stay strong!  You are beautiful and inspiring.  

    I wanted to ask, have you been trying actively to meet men via other methods than OD? I think it’s important to keep expanding your social circle through activities (i.e. volunteering, Meetups) so that you can increase your chances of meeting emotionally available, age appropriate men.  

    1. 6.1
      Maria

      Not really…I do have a girlfriend that keeps introducing me to guy friends…unfortunately they were attracted to her! 🙂
       
      I’m planning to attend some of the activities for singles suggested by Match. And, BTW my video blogs are a week behind. In next week’s post I talk about two guys I dated and have a second date scheduled with both. Exciting!

  7. 7
    nordicgoddess

    If a guy is questionable,  plug his picture into Google or the scammer website and if this person is habitual enough, the pictures they are using will come up as a scammer or who the person pictured really is.

    1. 7.1
      Maria

      I’ve never heard of plugging a picture on google. Can you explain to me how to do that?
      Thank You 

      1. 7.1.1
        Gabri'el

        Hi, Maria. What Nordicgoddess is talking about is a program that you can download and if you click it, it will highlight the person’s picture, then it will search every picture in Google to find a match. So if the person is a scammer and used stolen pictures you will see where the original picture came from. Using this along with what Susan said, is a great way to spot scammers.
         
         
        I would caution people though to not trust in the picture app too much! About 3 years ago, I had my picture stolen and used by a scammer from… I’m guessing Africa. I was surprised because though I use to model, at that time in my life it was all local modeling, nothing big, just local magazines and stores, so I didn’t know how they got my picture. Well it turned out that when I did some modeling for K-Mart, they put the picture of me modeling their clothes on their website. But since it’s on their site, it’s wouldn’t show up on the google search.
         
        Since then, I’ve done some modeling for GAP and was even in one of their commercials, so now my picture will show up on the google search under GAP or under whatever clothes I was modeling at the time. Most models get their pictures stolen because they have their own website, trying to promote themselves, so they would have shown up on your google image search. I was never really serious about modeling, because I knew I was going to be a surgeon and med-school was always my goal, so I never bothered to create my own website. I think those are the type of people scammers look for, pictures that are harder to find on google.
         
        The point is, if the picture is not on a major website, then the google picture search might not come up with the results. The only reason I found out about my pictures being stolen was because my sister’s friend happen to see one of my pictures on the dating site under a different name and wrong age, at first I though it would be fun to play with the scammer and thief, but after a while it was just too creepy and it made me angry. So in my opinion Susan’s and others advice is the best for finding scammers.

  8. 8
    Morgan Hill

    What makes online dating frustrating and disappointing for most people is their lack of self awareness. 80% of the online dating population, men and women, take only the most desirable 20% (good looks, wealth, youth, being exotic, etc.) as acceptable for them to date. 
    Everything being equal, a woman in her fifties is already at a disadvantage versus a man of her age. A man in his fifties who is physically and emotionally healthy, financially fit, college educated, and with no minor children has options with women of his age or perhaps a few years younger. Yet most of these average looking middle age women (yes majority are average looking by definition) not only want a man of high quality but think men of their age are too old for them. And the chemistry has to be immediately there (i.e. he has to be hot). 
    I am in my mid fifties. I dated a woman 4 years older than me and was in a committed relationship with her for a year. I have to admit though what attracted me to her was her good looks. She was slightly overweight as most women of her age are, but her face was just like an older version of Sofia Vergara. And we both owned our own homes, had some wealth and assets so that was no concern or suspicion about money.
    And then there are those who have no understanding of value proposition. I dated a woman same age as mine very briefly and I ran the other way quickly. She owned her home, a condo by the beach, and four other properties. She had two master degrees but she was wealthy enough that she did not have to work. She expected to be treated like a princess because in her mind she was such a high value woman. While it was good that she was educated and wealthy, it did not make her an attractive partner to me. I found her repulsive when she dwelled on her qualities. Too bad I am not a scammer.    
    For the middle age women doing online dating, unless you are objectively very good looking (not just you think you are), be more realistic. If you insist on shooting out of your league or expect to be treated like a princess, you will get scammed, played, or nothing.

    1. 8.1
      Maria

      Thank you for the illuminating message. This is something Evan has made very clear to me since the beginning. Most online dates are trying to connect with the very good looking and younger men/women.

      The truth is that physical beauty does not always come with awareness and/or beautiful personality. My own experience has shown me that many times. Most of my life I’ve dated very handsome men and where are they now? LOL
      I never saw myself as being shallow but now I think I was…I didn’t know better. I realize now that I was a chemistry junkie, like you said…. he had to be hot!

  9. 9
    Susan

    Nordicgoddess,

    What is the scammer website?? 

    1. 9.1
      nordicgoddess

      The scammers website is a great way to check someone out , google images also works well. The scammers website is about habitual scammers who are reported, if there are picture’s of the person, these pictures are sent to the website and if they match up with previous pictures , then you know if it is legitimate or not. Google images searches the entire web for a match, its even better. Artistes search for unauthorized use, copy rights etc. 

  10. 10
    Maria

    Maria get hotter professional photos and you will have more options. When you get older you need more light. You need a closeup of your face with natural light, a beautiful shot in a dress, full figure, sporty.

    Also be more specific that you are looking for romance and a magnificent relationship. There are men who want that and they will really want to ask you out. And finally FL is a hard place to date but don’t give up!!

  11. 11
    Josie

    If a man looks too good to be true, use Google Image Search to select the photo.  It will run a search and the scammers ( guys who are using a fake pic ) will be uncovered.  Guess where I learned that?  That TV show, Catfish on MTV (almost embarrassed to say).

    South Florida is, like NYC, a notoriously difficult place to date as a middle age woman.  Many men move from elsewhere with bikini babes on their mind.  As is the case everywhere,  a large proportion of successful middle aged men (especially recently divorced 40-something successful men) feel entitled to younger hotties.  You should have seen the men on Match when I lived there.  It was extremely rare for a man above the age of 40 to actually indicate that he was searching for women his own age.  When  That is less prevalent in central Florida, where I live currently, though still common.  

     To Morgan Hill above, who said: 
    ” Yet most of these average looking middle age women (yes majority are average looking by definition) not only want a man of high quality but think men of their age are too old for them. And the chemistry has to be immediately there (i.e. he has to be hot).” That is hardly my experience with myself and my friends.  We deliberately avoid winking at or messaging the hot men, knowing the unlikelihood of a positive result.
    I can’t count how many conversations my girl friends and I have had about accepting dates with men we aren’t immediately attracted to.   In fact, just today I replied to a man who was heavier than my normal preference, but shared some common interests and seemed articulate.  

    Women are , as a rule, much more likely to date someone they are not physically attracted to and allow chemistry to develop over time.  With men, well, Patti Stanger says it best:  “the penis does the picking!”  I can say with nearly statistical certainty that men are much less likely to accept a date with a woman who does not immediately get their motor running, so to speak.  

     

    1. 11.1
      Morgan Hill

      Josie,  If more women (and men) are as self-aware and rational as you and your girl friends, we would have a kinder, gentler, and more satisfying online dating world. 

      I think it may be of selection bias that female followers of this blog are more likely to have the dating behavior that you describe for you and your girl friends, but I don’t find that to be the case for the general population in online dating. 

    2. 11.2
      Gabri'el

      Josie, I had never even heard of the term catfish, until I moved here to Europe for school, so you’re not alone. Back home in the states, I never needed online dating, but over here, I didn’t know anyone or any places to go meet people, which lead me to try online dating and to find Evan.
       
      If a person thinks you’re too attractive they will think you are a fake, but mostly over here catfish is used to describe people who just want the emotional attention/connection from another human, but either because they don’t look like their picture, they are much older then they say they are, or because they are married, they never want to meet. They just keep stringing you along, that’s called being catfished.
       
      I’ve noticed that women are more on guard with attractive men, most guys don’t autimactically think she is a scammer if she is very attractive. But women do, and want different pictures, Skype, and your birthday with your full name and the city you were born (I’m not joking, this happens to me more time than I can count) to verify that you are actually the person in the picture… it’s very exhausting and usually turns me off from the woman, I usually wait until she knows I’m real, then cut her off. Spiteful and childish, yes, but let someone treat you like you are a scammer or a player just because of how you look and see if you wouldn’t be insulted.

  12. 12
    Gina

    Maria,

    Thank you so much for sharing your online dating journey with us!! I, too, have learned so much from reading your posts. finding love at 53 isn’t for the fainthearted that’s for sure! In addition to reading Evan’s blog, I have spoken to middle-aged guys about what it takes to be successful online and they said that many 50 something men who date online, as many of us women already know, are filling up the inboxes of  primarily very attractive and younger women. Those of us who are average, cute, and older don’t receive as much attention. With that said, it’s not impossible for us older women to find love online (I have friends and colleagues who are older and have met their husbands online), it’s just a matter of finding the guy who’s looking for you. To increase my chances of finding Mr. Right, I having been participating in Meetup and other social activities based upon my interests. Sometimes I even go to social events alone. When I do, I make sure that I am looking attractive, smiling, making eye contact, being friendly, and checking  for wedding rings 🙂 I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, so there’s lots of fun things to do. Even if I don’t meet anyone, I leave feeling happy and content because I had fun! In fact, I am signing off right now to go hiking in the Sonoma mountains.  Maria, you are on the right track! Keep on keeping on! I am confident that you will meet that special guy who’s right for you! 

  13. 13
    JB

    Wow Maria I would’ve thought that Evan would’ve taught you the first thing you do when you see a mans profile you like is to save all his photo’s in a folder and Google image search them ALL. That way you may (but not always) be able to find out a lot more about them especially if the photo has been used in scams like your guys was. Many people use the same photos for online dating as they use for their LinkedIn page so you can actually learn a lot sometimes. I’ve been doing this for every woman’s profile I find interesting for about 3 years and it helps immensely.

    One more thing. I know you live in Florida but if you can find 7-10 men a week and one everyday to contact then God bless you because when I peruse the guys profiles of my age range of 45-60 (my competition) up here in the Chicago area I can barely find 5 quality profiles….lol and 2 of them are fake scammers. The scam profiles like someone above me said are fairly easy to spot. I used to email Match and report them and say “how do you guys let these profiles get approved?” Get rid of them.

  14. 14
    marymary

    Sorry to hear this happened. You’re right it’s not personal.  I hope your next update is happier.
    It’s a good call to initiate contacts, it keeps you moving forward.

     

  15. 15
    Denise

    I’m in my ’50’s and I have grown weary of Match.com.  In a few months, I must have received about 50 emails from scammers.  The typical profile is that they say they are widowers, nice looking picture, very generic profile and always willing to date someone 10 or more years older than them and they always give you their email or phone number in the first message.  Oh, and they often start their correspondence with something like “Hi gorgeous” or “Hi beautiful.”
    I never respond to them because it is so obvious that they are scammers, but as I said, I have grown weary of Match.com because of the volume of scammers.  And sadly, when a profile says a man is a widower, my first assumption is that he is a scammer, although I am sure there are some legitimate widowers on Match.com.

  16. 16
    Christine

    I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t been expressed in the thread… but I do want to mention
     
    That color and dress look beautiful on you Maria! Keep on truckin’ on your journey best of luck.

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