Maria’s Coaching Journey with Evan Marc Katz – Week 9

Hola! Let me start by telling you that this past week was a lot of fun! I was busy emailing and talking to four guys at one time! Two of them sent me songs, I had conversations with three, and one actually said he was going to call but never did. His loss!

Remember the guy I mentioned I had two phone dates with who started talking about some kind of fetish? Well, I was kind of curious so went along with it. I got caught up in the sexual energy, but the truth is, I really don’t want a relationship that starts with that kind of tone (done it too many times in the past). So my first question for Evan was about sexual conversations. What should I do if I don’t want to go there? He said I can tell the guy the truth – I don’t want to sext a total stranger who isn’t my boyfriend. It’s not rude. It’s honest.

If I want to be the receiver, then I should wait until the man asks to meet with me.

My next question was whether I should set up a phone date and initiate a follow up call after the first phone call. Evan says it all depends on whether I want to be the pursuer or the receiver…the male or female energy in the relationship. If I want to be the receiver, then I should wait until the man asks to meet with me. At that time, I can suggest we have a phone date and be very SPECIFIC. This means to write something like: “I’m available tomorrow at 6:00pm. Would love to hear your voice. XOXOXO”. Now, the ball is in his court. If he can’t make it, he should follow up with an email suggesting another time. Be specific – got it!

Then I discussed with Evan another phone date I’d had where the guy said he would like to meet for a glass of wine and get to know each other better. He said he was busy on the upcoming weekend but we could go out the following weekend. I agreed. I didn’t like not knowing when exactly we were going to meet and the last time I agreed to a similar arrangement was when I went to Puerto Rico and the guy never called. So my question to Evan was what should I do about ambiguity?

His response was: again, be SPECIFIC. He suggested I could say something like: “I’m free next Saturday night, should I put it on my schedule? What time and where?” Once you establish the details, tell him to stay in touch….”Look forward to meeting you”….or “Just because we’ve made plans doesn’t mean you have to be a stranger, stay in touch.” This keeps the momentum going…and I’m realizing with each new guy that keeping the momentum going is critical in online dating.

My last story for this update is about one of the men I’ve been corresponding with. He’s charming, good looking (at least he is in his photos) and texts me very sweet messages every morning and evening. There’s only one little problem…he lives in California! He was looking for women in Miami and I missed that he was not local! So, I thought I’ll give him a try. He even said he’ll come to meet me in a couple of weeks. Evan said the whole thing sounds like he might be emotionally unstable trying to rush things that way. Flying to meet a total stranger for a first date after a bunch of texts? Did I mention he’s Italian? 🙂

I’m realizing with each new guy that keeping the momentum going is critical in online dating.

I’ll give you the scoop on him next week…

Honestly, I have to say this journey has been quite the ride so far. Between the let-down of guys that say they’re going to call but don’t, the disappointment of dates that never happen, the excitement of meeting somebody new, the sweet compliments that make me blush, and learning to set my expectations realistically, I’m up and down like an emotional roller coaster. But I’m also blessed with my Yoga and meditation that helps me relax and stay centered, and Evan, my dedicated coach, who keeps me focused, strong and confident.

Thank you for following my journey, your comments and encouragement. I hope my experiences help you in your search for love. And remember to always keep your heart open to give and to receive love.

Forever grateful,

Maria

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Sunflower

    I’m learning so much from your weekly posts.  Thank you so much for sharing your adventures.  I don’t know how many times I had met someone online or had a phone conversation that turned to a sexual nature which made me feel uncomfortable.  Now I know how to handle.  And I like the “SPECIFIC.”  So simple!

  2. 2
    fitblondebrit

    At least 90% of the men on match, are flakes. Please be careful. Don’t move too fast, or invest in any of them too early. You honestly have a better chance of being hit by a flying pig. Than meeting a compatible man on “not my” match.com. it’snotmymatch.com is actually a great website for a laugh, look it up!

    Any man starting out with sex, is obviously only looking for sex. And uses the same opening with every woman he contacts. I honestly wish you luck. But it will take more than match.com and Evan..who can help you navigate. But can’t produce  your match out of an empty hat..!

    You shouldn’t have to keep the momentum going, that’s up to the man. And beware the guys who send, cute little messages every day. They send them to any and every woman who responds to them. Lonely men …very lonely men!

    I honestly believe that meeting in the real world, is the only way..any of us will find the right one.

    Online dating is seriously flawed.. I would love to be proven wrong. And know a few people have got lucky. But the vast majority get nowhere..

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “I honestly believe that meeting in the real world, is the only way..any of us will find the right one.”

      Except for the fact that 1/3 of marriages begin online. That’s MILLIONS of exceptions to your rule, not “a few people” who “got lucky”.

      1. 2.1.1
        fitfunblonde

        I honestly wish everyone who’s sincerely seeking, the best of luck. Maria is lovely and I hope she finds somebody special, online. This blog alone however, proves that most don’t! I suspect the 1/3 statistic, is a few years out of date.. Too many people now using match.com purely for entertainment, scams, booty calls and as a lonely hearts club.. Many men’s only means of having any communication with women.. But hope springs eternal, maybe Maria will be one of the few 🙂 

    2. 2.2
      Henriette

      I’m always curious when I read opinions like this.  As Evan points out, about 1/3 of marriages are couples who met online.  But, beyond stats… I can’t be the only one reading this blog who has plenty of co-workers, family and friends who have found love this way.  Why does it only seem to be those who think “a few get lucky but the vast majority get nowhere” who leave comments?!?

      1. 2.2.1
        Adrian

        Henriette, I once read a study (I can’t remember it now, but I can look it up for you if you wish), that stated that people remember things tied to strong emotions better, and a different study said that negative things are more noticeable to us because it’s not normal and our brains seek variety.
        Many people are lonely (not necessarily alone) and that is a strong emotion. We see people around us every day who have someone, but we are alone, so to us hearing about a happy couple is normal, hearing about the people who failed at online dating… that’s different, it’s relatable, and it’s reassuring that we aren’t alone in… being alone
         
         

    3. 2.3
      Elle

      Fitblondebrit, would you snatch away a group of children’s Easter eggs, telling them that chocolate is bad for them? I hope not, but that is in essence what you have done to Maria by raining all over her online dating parade. In my view, you come across as both jaded and envious, a combination that can be quite toxic. As the saying goes, with friends like you, who needs enemies?  No doubt, when, not if, Maria ends up eventually getting engaged, you’ll be the first to post statistics about how many marriages end in divorce. Ladies, we are all familiar with this, aren’t we? The frenemy who comes along and undermines our self-confidence, our optimism, and chances of success – for our own good, of course – whenever we make brave, life enhancing decisions to explore online dating, or go back to school, start a business, loose the extra pounds, accept a promotion, etc. To Maria and all the other amazing women out there who are taking baby steps or giant leaps forward to make their dreams a reality, you go girls! Full speed ahead and don’t let the frenemy torpedoes keep you from achieving your full potential in life.

      1. 2.3.1
        Maria

        Thank you Elle for the wonderful message and encouragement. In this process I’m not only learning about online dating I AM LEARNING ABOUT ME. There is no therapy in the world that could help me understand myself and men than what I’m doing right now…. This journey is definetly making me a more confident woman. I can see the different shades of men and I because of it I will choose wisely when the right one comes around.
         

      2. 2.3.2
        fitblondebrit

        Jaded, certainly. Envious, not at all. I sincerely wish Maria and everyone the very best of luck. I would be ecstatic if she or any woman, posted news of their engagement. I don’t have an envious bone in my body. I am however very protective of other women’s best interests. And err on the side of caution. When it comes to communicating with and meeting complete strangers online.
         Maria is not a child and we’re not talking about taking away chocolate eggs! There is an absolute need for caution.. It’s very easy to get carried away and believe everything a complete stranger, tells you, online. I’m simply stating that flakes, scammers, players and honestly some not very nice men, abound on match and other dating sites. As do men who waste your time sending ” good morning” good evening” happy Monday” ” happy Tuesday” notes. With zero intention of taking it further. Great, if that’s your thing..and want pen pals..Not so great, if you don’t. It’s obvious that Maria is excited. And I’m excited for her. And she does have Evan to guide her along. I just hope she’s fortunate, to not come across too many of the seedy creeps and flakes. To deny they exist on match, is a disservice to other women. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m the first to admit I’m jaded and cynical! Obviously there are some great guys on match..and the possibility of success exists. But so does the need to sort through carefully and not jump into anything, too quickly..

    4. 2.4
      Clare

      Well isn’t your post just a wealth of unfounded “facts” designed to pop Maria’s balloon.
       
      “At least 90% of men on Match are flakes”
      “You honestly have more chance of being hit by a flying pig than of meeting a compatible man on Match”
       
      Where do you get these “statistics”? Because, with respect, they are completely made up.
       
      “Any man starting out with sex, is obviously only looking for sex”
      Newsflash – all men are looking for sex! Some are looking for *only* sex, but all are looking for it at least in part so if you are going to disqualify all men…
       
      “beware the guys who send, cute little messages every day.”
      Because nothing says unstable, emotionally unavailable psychopath like a man who sends thoughtful texts every day to the woman he’s interested in!
       
      “Online dating is seriously flawed.” How? Can you provide any scrap of logic or rationale in your hypothesis whatsoever.
       
      And my personal favourite: “Lonely men …very lonely men!”
      Aren’t all people looking for a relationship lonely to some extent? If they weren’t why would they be bothering? Is the inherent factor which makes people go on Match in the first place also supposed to be used to disqualify them?

      1. 2.4.1
        fitfunblonde

        To each their own, Clare. Obviously we’re all looking for different things when it comes to morals, values and relationships

        If you’ve yet to come across a flake, fader, scammer, pervert, predator, alcoholic, druggie, player, loner looking exclusively for a pen pal. Stalker, misrepresents himself..age/looks/weight. and so on.. I couldn’t be happier for you. 

        I’m also happy that you’re meeting so many men, you find yourself highly compatible with..

        And if you’re impressed by men who introduce sex, in their first email and/or phone call. You won’t go short there, either.

        Perhaps you enjoy your mailbox clogged daily. With happy Monday.  Happy Tuesday. Good morning. Good evening. Thought I’d send you a daily quote, joke etc. But never hint at meeting or even a phone call.

        But to me that’s a waste of time.. 

        What one woman finds, time wasting or inappropriate, dangerous, frustrating, deceptive. Another might welcome, with open arms..

        So obviously every woman’s experience on match will differ. Depending on her standards, desires, expectations and goals..

        1. Clare

          Nope, you’re reading things into my comment which I absolutely didn’t say. How you love to extrapolate.

          I was simply pointing out how your initial comment was entirely inaccurate. And that if you’re determined to have that negative attitude, you are going to end up disqualifying everyone and/or trying to spoil it for other people. And since your follow up comment was just as negative as your first, you’ve just proved my point. 

  3. 3
    London lass

    Thanks for sharing your journey Maria: it sounds like you are having a good time and learning a lot. I love your positive attitude. You will meet someone great soon I am sure!

  4. 4
    syela

    Maria, I want to say thank you for sharing your journey with us!! While you’re busy learning about online dating, I’m learning as well in the meantime from you, so thank you!! All the best to you!!!  

  5. 5
    Debbie

    Thanks so much for addressing how to handle a conversation if it turns sexual! Now I know exactly what to say and not fumble my words. I am sad there’s only three more weeks of updates. Hopefully we’ll hear more from you even after your time with Evan is over. 🙂 

  6. 6
    CC

    Here’s a fact for everyone: seven of my colleagues in Washington DC met their husbands on match.com over the past 5 or 6 years.  I actually counted!  Two were in their late 20’s, one in her 30’s, and the others in their 40’s and 50’s.  Maria, hang in there and don’t be detracted.  Not only my colleagues have met lovely men, but each of them met someone commitment and marriage-oriented.  Of course it is possible!  I’m still single, but I am very encouraged when I read your blog post each week.  I know it can happen, for any one of us.  I recently purchased “Believe in love,” which is also helping me to stay positive and confident.  Thanks Evan, and thanks Maria.

  7. 7
    KARON

    Maria, you are in very good hands with Evan guiding you.  We all thank you for sharing your journey and adventures on Match.com.  Also wanted to let everyone know that Evan is a fantastic coach.  Even though I am not in any of his coaching sessions, I have read all of his books.  I listened to Evan when he said to try looking for someone not in your usual group.  I did!  I am 5’5 and always looked for men who were at least 6 feet tall.  Well, I finally changed my settings to meet men who were 5’5.  

    I started communicating with a guy online who had so many of my interest.   Even though he was short, I thought, oh well, at least he is really nice.  When I finally met him, he was exactly 6 feet tall!  He had incorrectly stated his  height.  We have now been together for over a year.  He is fantastic!  If if didn’t follow Evan’s advice and cast my net and look for  someone different, I never would have met my sweetheart!   Thank you Evan! 

    1. 7.1
      Maria

      Great story! Thank you for sharing! I’ve listened to Evan and broaden my search in terms of age, religion, distance and height…. I’m not choosing just the good looking men, which is what I would’ve done (I’m sure is my blind spot.) I’m making sure to choose “out of type” to have different experiences. 

  8. 8
    Cassandra

    Thank you Maria for sharing your journey. Your weekly videos encouraged me to start online dating again. Best of luck to you!

  9. 9
    Maria

    WOW! Thank you all for your support! Truth is that even in real life most of the men you meet are not going to be your husband or good partners. Of course, dating sites open up an opportunity to encounter more people and more people mean more of every kind of people….
    What I’m learning with Evan is very valuable. I’m learning to sort people fast, to not waste my time with men that don’t deserve it, to have control over my emotions and to not take anything personal. All this skills I can use outside of Match! Like every new skill it takes time to master it and I know I’ve been taught by one of the best experts on online dating. 
    Lots of love,
    Maria 

  10. 10
    Ruby

    The third of all marriages resulting from online dating statistic makes me wonder how this breaks down by age. If it’s mainly people in their twenties and thirties, I could see that. Online dating is much tougher for women 45 and older. A number of my friends who have met men in this age range met them OFFLINE; through work, friends, or activities. Give online dating a try, but always keep other options in mind, especially when you are over fifty.

    1. 10.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Ruby, you have it completely backwards. People in their 20’s can easily meet other single people. The fastest growing market for online dating is over 50.

  11. 11
    Ruby

    That still does not tell us the breakdown for marriage by age, or how successful it is for people over 50. I am not denying that is is a viable option, just that it’s not the only one.

    1. 11.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      No one said it was the only one. Tell me when you find a salsa dance class, bar or Meetup that has the volume of options that online dating does.

  12. 12
    AllHeart81

    Maria – Thank you for giving us a window into your dating experience and being so sincere and honest about it!

    I’m a little worried about the man in Cali looking for someone in Miami. Why is he looking for someone in Miami? Does he live there half of the year?

    I wonder where you are now and how things went.

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