Should I Continue My Long-Distance Relationship When We Haven’t Even Met Yet?

14 Shares

Dear Evan,
I met “Peter” online in January 2011 and have been emailing since. I am Canadian and so is Peter but he works in Silicon Valley. After our 2nd email, I told Peter that I do not believe in long-distance relationships even though I like his profile and he told me that he chose to connect with a Canadian girl because ultimately he wants to be relocated back to home to Toronto, where I live. In the first 2 months, we emailed once every week and in the last couple of months, we emailed each other 3-4 times a week. With all the lessons I’ve learned from you about ‘men should chase women,’ I did not ask when he will visit Toronto/visit me. He would write to say he is planning a trip and then something at work came up and he had to postpone it.

He told me he is looking for a sustainable relationship like me. On your advice, I am not sitting at home waiting to hear from him. I still go out with other guys; I am enjoying dating. (Again, I have learned so much from you. I even go out with guys who are 5’ 7” tall. I never wanted to before, but I am keeping my options open because you are correct in that this short guy could provide me with the best relationship and ultimately be a good partner.)

 

My question to you, Evan, is should I continue writing to Peter or should I write him a ‘last’ email to say I enjoyed ‘knowing’ so much of him/his work/his family/interest in the last about 5 months but that I am not looking for a pen pal but a relationship, and then move on? I will be very sad if I really have to do that, but I am levelheaded enough and I feel if he is truly looking for a real relationship/girlfriend, he should at least make an effort to visit me. Do you think I am correct? I look forward to what you have to say. Thank you Evan. —Melody

Armed with those tools, you should be extremely confident that you’ll find a man who is attractive, kind, consistent, and wants to be with you forever.

Sigh.

My dear Melody, you’re a living contradiction.

You’re a fan of my work, you’re actively dating and enjoying it, and you’re embracing your feminine energy. Triple Yay for you! Armed with those tools, you should be extremely confident that you’ll find a man who is attractive, kind, consistent, and wants to be with you forever.

And then you tell me this story.

You don’t believe in long-distance relationships, but you’re in a long-distance relationship.

You’re not looking for a pen pal but you have a pen pal.

You want the real deal but know that the real deal makes an effort to see you.

And my favorite contradiction: you’d be very sad to let him go, although you’ve never actually MET him.

To be very clear, you can’t lose something that you don’t have.

You don’t have a boyfriend. You don’t have a long-distance relationship. You don’t even have a “guy you’re seeing”. You have a nice-enough sweet-talker who is keeping all his options open at your expense. He lives in another country, says he wants a relationship, says he wants to move, and yet has done nothing to further either of those two goals.

To be very clear, you can’t lose something that you don’t have.

Don’t get me wrong: he may care about you, inasmuch as you can genuinely care about someone by exchanging emails three times a week for six months. But really, honey: the guy doesn’t even pick up the phone, much less book a flight? He’s just not that into you.

As for how you deal with it, I don’t even think it’s a matter of cutting him off or writing him a final email. There’s no reason to burn bridges or get overly emotional about something that only existed in your mind.

But you can certainly let him know that you’re going to focus on your local love life, and if he ever decides to move to Toronto, he should totally look you up. Wish him the best and cut him loose emotionally. And then, if he ever writes to you, you can write back at your leisure without being so invested in the long-term outcome. Believe me, it’s fun to have a guy in every port; the problem is in expecting that he will be anything more than a long-distance fling.

Join our conversation (49 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 21
    Ruby

    Lux #17

    Hmmm…this man has a girlfriend he “never sees”, but he’s in love with her and won’t give her up. He’s coming to Europe to see her, but you’ve invited him to make a side trip to stay with you. “He has said he’s open to the possibility of moving on from his girlfriend and let a new person in if it feels right.” That sounds to me like guy-talk for “I’m going to hook up with you, but keep my options open”. Same with what you see as “couply-talk”. It’s just words for now.

    “Would you go and stay with a woman for a week before going to see your girlfriend? Is that normal?”  

    No, most nice   guys wouldn’t do that unless they wanted to get laid. Maybe he’s pissed off at his girlfriend and using you to get back at her… maybe he’s trying to convince himself that he can move on from her. In any case, he isn’t really emotionally available, despite what he says.

    If you really want to see this man, have him stay in a hotel, rather than in your home, unless you are simply looking for a fling.  

  2. 22
    Angie

    You could say, “I’m not interested in the email thing any longer.   If you do decide to come to Toronto, drop me a line and I will see where I am at then”.

    I think your contact with this long-distance guy may be affecting your mentality.   You might be dating, but you may be  acting  as if you are already taken.

    If he does decide to come, who knows?

  3. 23
    David T

    I need to read these posts more carefully… he is visiting his gf in Europe and you are side trip?? Yikes. Yea, no integrity at all. Don’t go there.

  4. 24
    Anita

    #17
    I agree with the other previous posters.   I would call him out.   You are more deserving than this.   Trust me on this.   I did this email/phone/video thing with a guy and only ended up with disappointment on my side because he didn’t have the courage to even meet me even on a friend basis.  
    I said goodbye and cut him out (as I should have for the past six months.   That’s another story liken to Austen’s “Persuasion”.)   Do NOT waste your time with him, especially if he already has a girlfriend.   You or the other girl will be the only one who will be licking their own wounds while he sits pretty.   Find a good MAN (not a boy) who has enough integrity and good character to not play you like that.

  5. 25
    lux aeterna

    Thank you all for your great, insightful responses!

    I’ve considered all your opinions carefully, and discussed them with a friend who knows this guy well. I feel a lot stronger and clearheaded now, and my romantic interest in this guy has dropped quite considerably, you’ll all be glad to know. I will let him stay, at least for a day and so, play it by ear. I don’t think he’ll try to get into bed with me, he’s a very shy introverted person, with very polite manners. My friend agrees with this. I won’t try to romance him either.

    I do agree with you all that he likes to be in the safe situation of having options, and probably enjoys the attention I give him. The idea that he might drop his girlfriend if someone better comes along is a big red flag, I realise that now. That’s way too convenient, and not at all a good reason to end one relationship and start another. Everyone needs space and time between relationships, to mourn and reflect, in my opinion. Jumping from one to the next seems to indicate not being able to be alone, and a certain neediness, not to mention an inability to take control of his love life.

    I might pick his brains about his motives and actions once he’s here, as I have nothing to loose. If I find I’m too uncomfortable with him staying at my place I will ask him to leave, and I will not pursue our ‘friendship’ further unless it’s actually become just that – good platonic friends.

    Thanks again everyone, and my apologies for diverting attention away from the original poster’s dilemma. Evan – maybe a members forum would be a good place for us readers who need each others advice about our own issues in reaction to your posts?

  6. 26
    mslove

    Evan was pretty real with his statement. This should actually make you lift your head up, push your shoulders back and keep moving.
    Disappearing & Silence is pretty strong. Like Evan said, you both have nothing more but a penpal-ship. Just “be too busy” to even notice if he writes you or not. Seems like you like the consistency of him emailing you. He giving you a little attention when in fact that shows that you are taking crumbs.
    If you truly want a real life relationship, keep faith keep busy and dont contradict your actions. Sometimes us women contradict what we really want.

  7. 27
    Flower White

    lux
    you could be clearer, like not letting him stay at your house, period! I also have a “shy” guy who is involved trying to flirt with me he’s 56!! “stuck in a dysfunctional relationship” with a women he isn’t married too. I told him that I save my tingles for single men! Since then-zip.

    WHY waste time picking his brain?? Doesn’t matter what men say it matters what they do.   Shy men want nookie, too. If I were him I’d try to see how silly you were and bed you right away. Many ‘shy’ men use their shy routine to get aggressive, needy women chasing them. Female harem, anyone?

    Let. Him. Go. 40+ is too old for such games!

  8. 28
    lorrie

    thanks for the advice you gave that woman i have similiar situation were not going together or anything just a guy ive known for almost 3 years now from across the country yet he won’t commit to meeting me or even calling on the phone . thanks for making me realize he’s probably stringing me along

  9. 29
    Shayla

    Wait, “long distance relationship”? What am I missing? You have only been communicating by email. There is no relationship. If you two have not yet met, how do you even know you like him and want to be with him? Let alone start talking about relationship.
    I’ll say it again. If a man is not going out of his way to come and see you on a regular basis especially since you are in different places, there is nothing more to talk about. End of story. That is how you make a LDR work.
    A man who wants you will move mountains to come and see you. He will make plans and follow through. You won’t need to post and ask questions because his intentions will be clear.
    Hope it all worked out in some way though. Either that you moved on or that he stepped up to the plate.
      

  10. 30
    Jack

    I would bet that the guy is either married or has a girlfriend.   But in reality its just a Nigerian scammer who is going to tell you he is stuck or kidnapped in Africa and wants you to send him money.   This is a very serious problem on dating sites!   I’m not joking.  
    In fact, I think this blog should warn Naive, Smart, Strong women about the serious dangers of Online Dating Scams.   I believe its far more prevalent than reported.

    1. 30.1
      Tita

      I agree with previous message they are a lot of scams Marilyn’s Dating sites and social networks like VK, face book, gmail hang outs, once they manage to have your email they want to do this communication on email only or chat through hang out or messenger face book. Watch this tent all have this Nigerian/ SA accent. They start coming with story ans Pratt soon you are given they’re bank account to wire you some money to make payment via western union. That is a scary!. Is allnover the internet!.

      1. 30.1.1
        Amy

        I totally agree with you about the scammers, I got to talking to one when I first tried online dating about a year ago but was very skeptical from the first. So I googled his actions and the scamming is what came up and the descriptions of their ‘scripts’. I also looked up his area codes he was calling from and none were where he said he was. I’ve done online dating off and on since then and I can typically spot them within 3 messages…that’s if I haven’t picked up on it by their profile. Widowed, children not at home (aunt, grandparent, boarding school), lives in CA but is in Europe for work, an engineer of some sort…one even wrote that he was an ‘expert’ engineer. I laughed when I saw that one and had to ask him what an expert engineer does.

         

  11. 31
    starthrower68

    jack, the scammers become very easy to detect after a while. they use syntax, grammar and make other mistakes that give them away. many times the pics they use are too posed or contrived for lack of a better term. something is always off.

  12. 32
    Daisy

    I’m in a very similar boat, except we did meet once and I’m not dating…I’m waiting, and waiting, and waiting because sometimes there’s a glimmer, a something…that leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe…
    G-d, I’m such a schmuck. I’m grateful to you all for showing me.

  13. 33
    Daisy

    Okay, it’s over.  

  14. 34
    sassayangel

    I know what its like to be involved with a LDR… I was having one with a married man for 3 years and at the time i was involved as well..   It was just innocent chatting to start with then we developed some kind of feelings.. we emailed Skype, phone calls every day. i thought i met the man of my dreams till one day my world came crashing down…His wife divorced him he moved out then flew to another country after only chatting to this woman that he barely knew and she lost her husband 6 months prior.  
    What pissed me off the most was he was only a 12hr drive to me and he never ever wanted to meet up with me but flew to another country to be with someone who he “said he clicked with “.
    So my advice to all who is reading this don’t be blinded by what they like to tell you or what you want to hear cos in the end someone is going to get hurt and its not gonna be them..its YOU!.

      

  15. 35
    Kate

    I also have a boyfriend whom I havent even met, but we’ve known each other for 4 years now from facebook but just started our relationship this last month, and my friends always say that i should not trust him that much yet, because im from a distant country and he’s from Africa, but he is planning to come visit me here in my country. We only communicate through email and talked through phone but we havent tried talking through skype, though he wants to. I have already developed feelings from him and i want to trust him that he is not just playing with me because he always tells me that he wants me as his wife or else he wont marry.

  16. 36
    Paul Lane

    texting , phone, and or video relationships are pure fantasy, it is nonething more than your mind playing tricks on you, because you spend all day dreaming how perfect it can be. Heck yeah it is perfect, because you are just making it up in you own mind. It does not require you or him to have to invest anything at all, no time, no money, no plans they plan on keeping, and even if he or she ask you to marry them it will never happen, because you want perfection rather than a real relationship. Just think about it for a few moments, was he or she there for thanksgiving no, Christmas no, New Years Eve no, or even your birthday heck no. This person is nonething more than a time and emotion waster they need to feed on your very lifeforce to make them feel good about themselves. They are most likely a narcissistic person using you up everyday to make them feel alive. They are a narcissists vampire feeding on you daily, just think about and you will see it cleary.

  17. 37
    Paul Lane

    Ladies it is a fantasy stop making him perfect in you mind.texting , phone, and or video relationships are pure fantasy, it is nothing more than your mind playing tricks on you, because you spend all day dreaming how perfect it can be. Heck yeah it is perfect, because you are just making it up in your own mind. It does not require you or him to have to invest anything at all, no time, no money, no plans they plan on keeping, and even if he or she ask you to marry them it will never happen, because you want perfection rather than a real relationship. Just think about it for a few moments, was he or she there for thanksgiving no, Christmas no, New Year’s Eve no, or even your birthday heck no. This person is nothing more than a time and emotion waster they need to feed on your very life force to make them feel good about themselves. They are most likely a narcissistic person using you up everyday to make them feel alive. They are a narcissistic vampire feeding on you daily, just think about and you will see it clearly!

  18. 38
    Diamond

    Umm…I really don’t mean this in a bad way but he was never actually in a relationship with her . How do you even go into a relationship with someone you have never ever met . He mostly has a wife or just wanted to use her for money so, she may need to really thank her stars. They do it a lot in my country , women and men quality . Post up fake pictures , lie through their teeth and then ask the victims for money . It is really sad.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *