What I’ve Wanted to Say to You for the Past Year: Thank You

evan

I’ve had a shitty past year.

Wife, great. Kids, great. Evan: not so good.

The quick rundown:

  • I went four days without sleeping  on a Matchmakers cruise last March and literally forgot how to sleep. I’ve been on an anti-anxiety cocktail ever since.
  • I severely sprained my ankle at a summer camp for entrepreneurs last August and never got my mobility back, much less returned to playing basketball. Ugh.
  • Last month,  a door closed  on my right hand near the door hinge in the bathroom of a Hollywood  bar. Nothing was broken, but two  fingernails are bloody, black and numb – apparently for the next year, until they fall off and grow out.

And listen, that’s fine. Middle-aged man maladies are not unheard of. But, to be frank, my biggest challenge has been my business. For seven years, I had the same tech team. They were my business partners, my best friends, the equivalent of my work wives. Last fall, they decided to start their own company. They gave me two months notice. They interviewed other tech teams. They were classy. I can only liken it to an amicable divorce: “We had a great run, now we’re moving on.”

I’ve been struggling to find my footing ever since.

Plans to relaunch Love U were scrapped. A new team was  tried, which wasn’t a good fit. And, as most small businesses know, everything takes twice as long and costs twice as much as originally expected. The good news is that I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon, there will be some  exciting new offers to help readers like you understand men and find love. I guess that’s why, after a year of frustration, I’m writing this post. I’ve had lots of time to think.

And what I’ve realized is that I’m grateful. Not in that pseudo-humble, prayer-hands emoji, universe-loving way. I’m really, truly, deeply grateful.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve written in my 5-Minute Journal every morning and every night. It asks me to record what amazing things I accomplished each day, what I could have done better, and three things  I’m grateful for each morning.

What I’ve realized is that I’m grateful. Not in that pseudo-humble, prayer-hands emoji, universe-loving way. I’m really, truly, deeply grateful.

Looking back, I see patterns:

What I accomplished each day almost always involves work and something fun with my kids.

What I could have done better involves not reading my phone in front of my family, not arguing with strangers on Facebook or my blog, and not expressing frustration with the growing pains of building a better business.

What I’m grateful for varies wildly. Sometimes, it’s a sunny day in Southern California. Sometimes, it’s a good night’s sleep. But most often, I’m grateful for people. My wife. My kids. My mom and sister. My co-workers, Kim, Cindy, Krystal, Amanda, Dan, Jackie, Angel, and Emily. My clients (especially the ones who invest in coaching, get married and send wedding photos.) And, of course, there’s you, my blog readers.

As you know, there’s a symbiotic relationship between author and reader. The author writes to be heard. If he’s not being heard, he doesn’t feel content. When he is being heard, he hopes for praise and affirmation. When he doesn’t get praise and affirmation, he wonders why he writes at all. And around and around we go.

I’ve written a bunch of  books. I’ve been on TV, magazines and hundreds of websites. But I always come back to this frustrating place,  this home I built with thousands of regular guests that I futilely try to please.

And I have to admit: like my other meaningful long-term relationships – with my wife, with my business team, with my friends – I love it.

I love your intelligence. I love your wit. I love the challenge of responding to those who force me to look deeper, explain myself better, or even change  my position.

I don’t love being misunderstood, misquoted, or trashed in my home. But I do know that it beats the alternative – shutting down my  home because the kids are often unruly.

Of course you are. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now, words on a blog post don’t begin to capture my essence, anymore than they capture yours.

If you only read blog comments, you may think I’m combative.

If you watch the podcast, you’ll see a softer side when I’m coaching women.

If you subscribed to my newsletter, you’ll hear a more empathetic story teller.

If you joined Love U, you’d get a larger sense of my personality and my beliefs.

And if you were in my house, observing me with my wife and kids after work, you’d see a side you can’t witness  from here: warm, sensitive, generous, playful family man.

To all of you, I say thank you.

That’s who I really am. That’s who I wish you got to see more often. And I guess that’s why I’m writing this today. Really, it’s the same reason I’m assuming most writers write – because we have something to say, because we’re trying to work out our thoughts, because we ultimately want to be understood.

I don’t get all of that every day from this blog. But I take what I can get. Sometimes, it’s a public compliment. Sometimes, it’s a private email. Sometimes, it’s a reader  who articulates my feelings better than I can. To all of you, I say thank you.

Thank you for continuing to engage in this important dialogue about dating, relationships and gender dynamics.

I appreciate you, and I want to acknowledge that this place isn’t the same without you.

You make me feel connected, and for a writer, that’s pretty much all one can ask.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. Your thoughts, below, are always greatly appreciated.

Join our conversation (57 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 21
    sabrina

    I have been reading your articles for years now – throughout my relationship and while I was single. Thank you for you insight – it is always interesting and appreciated.

  2. 22
    Margaret

    My goodness, a tough year indeed.   Perhaps it will be a benchmark so you can recognize a banner GREAT year when you see it.   I think you’re pretty swell – does that count?   REALLY sorry about your fingers.   Glad you still have them.   Typing without them would be a challenge.

  3. 23
    KC

    Bless you Evan!   I’ve been putting your free advice into action.

    I look forward to hearing about Love U when you start it up again!

  4. 24
    Ngoc

    Evan,

    Thank you for sharing your   insights, especially the  sometimes brutally honest yet most necessary ones.   I’ve learned the importance of   accepting better men in order to find the right man, and I continue to listen to Love U and go back to Why He Disappeared and Believe in Love to remind myself to stay cool, pay attention to the negatives, and that I too am in control of the fate of my 3 month  relationship with a kind boyfriend who follows through, yet doesn’t know if he wants to marry me – that it is OK that we are still both evaluating each other.   I find that when I run into any relationship-related block I turn to you for reassurance and I regain my confidence to date effectively.   Thank you for your hard work.  

  5. 25
    Leah

    Evan,

    Thank you you for all I learned from you over the years! I first found you on JDate about a decade ago! Going through a divorce with two young kids, and trying to find myself again, I took much of your advice to heart. Over the years, I read your blog, hired your company to write my online profile (twice), saw you speak in person, and took your LoveU course! As a fellow MOT, I came to think of you as a friend, someone whose advice I could trust. I became a strong, smart woman, who could also be a woman, and let men love me for who I am. I did not end up meeting my husband online, but we did meet at a singles meetup party. It didn’t take long for things to fall into place after we met. (Our wedding was a year to the day after we met 12/31/15-12/31/16.) He is an amazing man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy, and he is also a loving step-father to my two boys. I couldn’t have possibly dreamed of anything more. Thank you for being who you are. For helping women believe in ourselves so that we are able to live the happiest life possible.

    Sincerely,

    Leah

  6. 26
    Jennifer

    Evan,

    I’m so glad the year is looking up – though, business growing pains and some maladies aside, it sounds like it’s been a good year for your whole family. It’s nice of you to share your reflections with those of us who follow you, and I’m happy to have a reminder to thank you. I worked with you years ago — maybe nearly 10 years ago?!? — as a private coaching client. You had me re-do my pictures, you worked with me to improve my profile in a much better show-don’t-tell way, and you told me a bunch of things I didn’t want to hear. You didn’t sugar-coat things, and it was uncomfortable — and exactly what I needed. You gave me the tools to find and work on a relationship that lasted 4 years, and then your blog helped me with the courage and tools to get OUT of it when it turned pretty awful. Your advice saw me through a short relationship with a nice man who was all wrong for me (and I for him), and into the current, wonderful, supportive relationship I have with the perfect man for me. We’re coming up on our year anniversary together this Friday, and we’re more solid every day. Thank you for making me think differently about relationships and about myself, and for challenging some long-held beliefs. And for making me re-do those pictures!!

    Jennifer

  7. 27
    Evan Marc Katz

    Thanks to all the folks who responded. It means a lot to me – both the married clients I know well, the friends from Facebook, and the lurkers who came out to offer a kind word. You are the reason I’ve posted on this blog 2x/week for ten years and you are the reason I haven’t lost my passion for it.

    I also found it illuminating that so many commenters who post on every column couldn’t take a moment to say something affirming. It was not what I expected, honestly, but it was useful, particularly  in resetting my expectations.

    Fact is: I overestimated my connection with many readers and I will learn from it, just as one should learn  from one’s dating experiences. The readers who give back  emotionally and/or buy my products have earned my love and devotion. People who come here to learn for free but don’t take a second to appreciate the source of the free content…well, I’ve taken note.

    So thank you for both the appreciation and  a valuable insight about reciprocity that I will certainly use in both my coaching and my future interactions  on this blog. I’m very glad I wrote this.

    Warmest wishes and much love,

    Evan

    1. 27.1
      Chance

      Hi EMK,

       

      I’m not sure if you want a public endorsement or an open expression of gratitude from “some random red pill guy” (who has purchased a product of yours in the past), but I do appreciate the advice you give to women here because it goes a long way in providing them with insight into the male perspective.   I don’t always agree with you, and I’m sure you often don’t agree with me, but I appreciate it.   I especially liked your material from the 2000s as it was helpful for me as a man…. that’s not, in any way, a criticism of your work today.   I just understand that your target clientele has shifted.   Also, as I’ve said a number of times before, thank you for tolerating me and my comments here.

    2. 27.2
      paige

      Evan, I could tell from listening to the podcast and reading blogs that things just weren’t quite right with you. I’m so happy to hear that your family is doing great and nothing wrong there. I have so many friends going through divorces and have kids who are sick …perspective.      I really appreciate the honesty and vulnerability it took to write that blog.   I listen to the pods every week. I read everything. I am one of those lurking from afar fans. So I say thank you for all you do. All the advice. All the blunt direct talk.    I’ve learned a lot of people don’t appreciate that kind of communication but I do. All the best and keep it up

      paige

    3. 27.3
      kathleen

      Thank you Evan for the kind words,love and affirmation of confidence to all of us strong smart successful beautiful women ! I’m still here reading and putting my investment to work ! Thank you

  8. 28
    Roxanne

    Evan,

    Your books, emails, blogs and podcasts have changed the way I view men, dating and marriage. I share your name with every frustrated single woman I know. Even on your down days never doubt the impact you have on those of us trying to figure it all out. Whether you’re trying to spoon feed the info gently or the straight no b.s. way you set us straight… it’s deeply appreciated.

    Thank you for all that you do!

  9. 29
    Malika

    Hi Evan:

    It’s always darkest before dawn! I hope that   things look up for you and that you can enjoy quality time with your family in the  meantime.

    Your blog gives me hope when I want to throw the towel in, and to keep on trucking through online dating and learning the love lessons i need to learn. It’s been a great boost for my mental stability, being able to stay away from men that are only vaguely interested or who like to play games and it has given me the head space to think about other aspects of my life that needed quite a bit of reflection. I sometimes get blog jadedness from some of the more colourful commenters but i always come back for your words of wisdom.

    A big thank you also to all the people who contribute to the comments section! You give me a perspective in single life and dating that i could never get from my friends, as most of them are settled and married, and sometimes hardly remember what it feels like to be single and looking for love. You guys make me connect the dots, and that has made the dating world a far easier world to navigate.

  10. 30
    Sharon K

    Hi Evan,

    You are, in large part, the kind of writer and dating expert that I aspire to be. Some days are better than others, in that regards! 🙂   I’ve followed you over the years, first as a new online dater myself, and then later, for inspiration, as my partner (now fiance) and I launched our own smaller scale and personal dating/relationship blog (we hated 90% of the dating sites out there (reviews for $ only, stupid rehashed advice, unskilled writing). I’ve always heard your “voice” shining through, and I appreciate your honesty, your real-person-ness, and your perspective.

    Once again, you show that living through example, rather than words only, is the way to go.

    We truly appreciate you, and consider ourselves indebted to you.

    Sharon and Lee   TheDatingGurus.com

  11. 31
    Karen

    Dear Evan I really love your honesty and your guts to tell us when things have gone wrong! You are human you are subject to mishaps even in a good marriage with a lovely family. I am in transition 56 divorced 9 yrs after a31 yrs relationship with 3 kids one profoundly disabled and still finding who I am before I venture tomeet the big love of my life as I felt too vulnerable. I am now physically free to have a new love my life but my heart is still wary! You cheer me up give me hope and have taught me boundaries and to raise the bar men wise! I’m training to be a Yoga teacher over 3 yrs but I want love from a great man too. I will find him with your help. Lots love to you -change is scary but you are strong – accidents happen when you’re scattered but teach us to ground ourselves. Take care YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE xxx🌈🌻🌞

    1. 31.1
      sharon

      Karen, I too have a disabled (not severely) but disabled..and know how extremely hard it can be to balance parenting with the dating world. Hang in there, and know it can be done (it just takes ONE right person for you). Meanwhile, breathe, know you’re not alone, keep an open heart as much as you can. I started a Meetup group of my own for Parents of the disability category my son has..which has given me lots of great ideas for resources and also a couple of new friendships. Best of luck to you!! xxx

      Sharon

  12. 32
    Mariana

    Evan, Your website and advice column help MANY MORE PEOPLE than you actually realize. I bought your books and have been following your blog for YEARS!! I never posted until today. I just wanted to tell you THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Your wisdom has helped me in more ways than you could ever know… and countless other people too who don’t post here. You are pretty much a Savior of sorts. Your advice column and services are priceless. You saved me and sooooo many other women years of pain!! Thank you thank you, Evan Marc Katz!!!

  13. 33
    Kristin

    Dear Evan ,

    I sooo appreciate you writing from a place of gratitude & that emotion coming from your heart…   It is always so encouraging to know that it worked out well for you with marriage and a family in spite of the people that it didn’t work out well with along the way   …    I hope to have that joy one day & the bliss of getting the husband selection right. I know you have a joy and a fulfilled peace about who you are married to & the life you’ve been given – even with the real downers in business and injuries this year.

    I ve felt pretty beat up this past year too and the couple of years before that haven’t been a picnic either   …   I was laid off from a lucrative sales job  in 2015 ( the whole team was) and I had a break up with somebody that was extraordinary to me but he wasn’t extraordinary for me …   AND then had a 60 year old friend die suddenly …

    I suffered ALL of that and wishing the ex would come back and trying to believe one day he would love me …I discovered as you made it abundantly clear – I idolize that in my mind and he probably NEVER would have lived up to my dreams …

    Fast forward now ! I am still working out things in my life and back in school for Medical , but your words have taught me so much and the wisdom you bring in a video or a little statement is always so needed and valued … I am especially more aware of chemistry not running the show but being important … I think even knowing that the person I want is one that won’t/   hasn’t left me , has given me great hope …I don’t want someone who had “0” staying power.   Your words of encouragement are just so timely & incredible and I love how real you are with us …True Perspective is so important

    Anyway, I’m a Christian I don’t have it all together- not by a long shot   … God hasn’t looked at me and gone I’m going to do better for you than anybody else -In fact,   it’s been a trying year and I feel like the suffering has happened for me and maybe not to me…I’m still in the story & it’s NOT over …

    Like you ,   I have to turn to a place of gratefulness or I will hit the floor in tears   over what I wanted and what has past.

    I look forward to your posts, have read your e -book and I KNOW this is a calling you have and not just a way to make a living … Ultimately you practice tough love but you are right! All my best to you and your guided mission for us !!! I will hopefully get the relationship I hope for one day but until then I carry on !

    Thank you again !

    Kristin

  14. 34
    Melissa Jones

    I have referred so many ladies to your facebook page and all your links.   I just love the advice you give.   While I’m not ready to date again.   I hope that one day I will feel ready and WANT to date again.   (I want to WANT to date. LOL.)   When I do, I feel like I have some research under my belt that has given me alot of knowledge and attitude adjustment.   And when/if I do…..I have a place to go.   I read your stuff faithfully.   Even if I don’t use it myself.   Keep doing what you do.   You have a gift.   And you are really good at this. 🙂

  15. 35
    Leila

    Wonderful to read this Evan! You are a life changer… big love to you. Keep up your fantastic work!!

  16. 36
    Sierra

    I’m sorry Evan you’ve had a rough year. Thank you for sharing with us. Prayer emoji LOL!! You keep so many of us sane while dating so thank you!! 💖

  17. 37
    Henriette

    Awww, EMK… I had no idea that you’d been facing health issues over the past year.      I’m glad  that you requested positive feedback when you knew you  needed  that boost; there’s absolutely  no shame in asking for support when you know  it can help you get  through a  rough patch.   Although I am still too tired, scared and discouraged to fully  “get back out there,” you ~ as well as some of the commenters whom you’ve attracted, here ~ have made me  look at  dating (and my place/role in the dating world) in a new light.    I send  positive thoughts to you and your family.

  18. 38
    Tina Christie

    Great post thank you Evan! Sorry to hear you’d been having a tough time, but glad to hear that things are starting to get better.

    I haven’t read that much recently, but years ago was a member (got a monthly CD and newsletter) and learned a ton. I’m in a happy, healthy relationship now and a lot of that has to do with what I learned from you.

    I tend to be a lurker and your post above really made me aware that I need to express my appreciation more often. Posts like yours that are thoughtful and insightful tend to put me deep into thought and I neglect to stop myself and let the writer know how much I liked it, which really isn’t who I want to be. Thank you for yet another breakthrough.

    You and your work are fantastic! Thank you for doing what you do!

  19. 39
    Lauren

    If you decide to seek others to be on your team…I want to throw my hat in the ring. While some of your post strike a nerve…they have brought me growth and introspection that I truly needed and I am very grateful. As you build something new, and if you consider some of your followers to be team mates in your new direction…I am very interested in both learning and sharing. Thank you for all you do…sometimes it amazes me at the amount of content you give, but at the same time, I am drawn to it and seek to be a part of it. Thank you from my heart,   Lauren

  20. 40
    BellamyTree

    Evan, I’m sad to hear that you’ve had a such a bad time recently, and hope your health continues to improve, and that you find your sleeping pattern again.

    Simply, you’re  awesome. Your honest wisdom, offered with wit and integrity, make you the one dating expert I still turn to and check in with regularly – blogs, podcasts etc.   I like that you own your own learning curve and new insights. I’ve benefitted so much from WHD, BiL, and LU. And I haven’t yet got into a solid relationship, but I have learnt how to date (in mid-life) and I remain hopeful and positive. You’re a very important online presence   to me (including through some dark times, post-divorce). Thank you for everything.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *