What I’ve Wanted to Say to You for the Past Year: Thank You

evan

I’ve had a shitty past year.

Wife, great. Kids, great. Evan: not so good.

The quick rundown:

  • I went four days without sleeping  on a Matchmakers cruise last March and literally forgot how to sleep. I’ve been on an anti-anxiety cocktail ever since.
  • I severely sprained my ankle at a summer camp for entrepreneurs last August and never got my mobility back, much less returned to playing basketball. Ugh.
  • Last month,  a door closed  on my right hand near the door hinge in the bathroom of a Hollywood  bar. Nothing was broken, but two  fingernails are bloody, black and numb – apparently for the next year, until they fall off and grow out.

And listen, that’s fine. Middle-aged man maladies are not unheard of. But, to be frank, my biggest challenge has been my business. For seven years, I had the same tech team. They were my business partners, my best friends, the equivalent of my work wives. Last fall, they decided to start their own company. They gave me two months notice. They interviewed other tech teams. They were classy. I can only liken it to an amicable divorce: “We had a great run, now we’re moving on.”

I’ve been struggling to find my footing ever since.

Plans to relaunch Love U were scrapped. A new team was  tried, which wasn’t a good fit. And, as most small businesses know, everything takes twice as long and costs twice as much as originally expected. The good news is that I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon, there will be some  exciting new offers to help readers like you understand men and find love. I guess that’s why, after a year of frustration, I’m writing this post. I’ve had lots of time to think.

And what I’ve realized is that I’m grateful. Not in that pseudo-humble, prayer-hands emoji, universe-loving way. I’m really, truly, deeply grateful.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve written in my 5-Minute Journal every morning and every night. It asks me to record what amazing things I accomplished each day, what I could have done better, and three things  I’m grateful for each morning.

What I’ve realized is that I’m grateful. Not in that pseudo-humble, prayer-hands emoji, universe-loving way. I’m really, truly, deeply grateful.

Looking back, I see patterns:

What I accomplished each day almost always involves work and something fun with my kids.

What I could have done better involves not reading my phone in front of my family, not arguing with strangers on Facebook or my blog, and not expressing frustration with the growing pains of building a better business.

What I’m grateful for varies wildly. Sometimes, it’s a sunny day in Southern California. Sometimes, it’s a good night’s sleep. But most often, I’m grateful for people. My wife. My kids. My mom and sister. My co-workers, Kim, Cindy, Krystal, Amanda, Dan, Jackie, Angel, and Emily. My clients (especially the ones who invest in coaching, get married and send wedding photos.) And, of course, there’s you, my blog readers.

As you know, there’s a symbiotic relationship between author and reader. The author writes to be heard. If he’s not being heard, he doesn’t feel content. When he is being heard, he hopes for praise and affirmation. When he doesn’t get praise and affirmation, he wonders why he writes at all. And around and around we go.

I’ve written a bunch of  books. I’ve been on TV, magazines and hundreds of websites. But I always come back to this frustrating place,  this home I built with thousands of regular guests that I futilely try to please.

And I have to admit: like my other meaningful long-term relationships – with my wife, with my business team, with my friends – I love it.

I love your intelligence. I love your wit. I love the challenge of responding to those who force me to look deeper, explain myself better, or even change  my position.

I don’t love being misunderstood, misquoted, or trashed in my home. But I do know that it beats the alternative – shutting down my  home because the kids are often unruly.

Of course you are. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Now, words on a blog post don’t begin to capture my essence, anymore than they capture yours.

If you only read blog comments, you may think I’m combative.

If you watch the podcast, you’ll see a softer side when I’m coaching women.

If you subscribed to my newsletter, you’ll hear a more empathetic story teller.

If you joined Love U, you’d get a larger sense of my personality and my beliefs.

And if you were in my house, observing me with my wife and kids after work, you’d see a side you can’t witness  from here: warm, sensitive, generous, playful family man.

To all of you, I say thank you.

That’s who I really am. That’s who I wish you got to see more often. And I guess that’s why I’m writing this today. Really, it’s the same reason I’m assuming most writers write – because we have something to say, because we’re trying to work out our thoughts, because we ultimately want to be understood.

I don’t get all of that every day from this blog. But I take what I can get. Sometimes, it’s a public compliment. Sometimes, it’s a private email. Sometimes, it’s a reader  who articulates my feelings better than I can. To all of you, I say thank you.

Thank you for continuing to engage in this important dialogue about dating, relationships and gender dynamics.

I appreciate you, and I want to acknowledge that this place isn’t the same without you.

You make me feel connected, and for a writer, that’s pretty much all one can ask.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. Your thoughts, below, are always greatly appreciated.

Join our conversation (57 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 41
    Michelle

    I feel like this is the perfect moment to write to you. I’ve finally found the most amazing man who treats me how I deserve after going through some pretty awful experiences. But I doubt I would be so happy now if it weren’t for your brilliant advice! Even when I was in an abusive relationship and kept going round in circles your voice kept coming back to me making me listen to my gut during really confusing times. You gave me strength to search for what I needed and now I’ve found it. We’ve been together 6 months now, he’s quite a bit older and there’s been moments where I’ve wondered if it’s right but in the end I just trusted his character and lived in the moment. It’s been the easiest and most fun relationship because I just let it happen without forcing anything. Thank you! I bet there’s loads more women who would say the same 🙂

  2. 42
    Lucy

    Evan,

    Regarding the anxiety: I have been getting readings and guidance from Sonia Choquette for the last 20 years of my life..

    During that time, I have divorced at age 40, adopted two children from Russia by myself, raised them, started dating again in my 50s, purchased a home and car by myself, and managed to make a living as a musician in a major U.S. city. I also published books and music, and my music is licensed online. I’ve also performed in front of 100s of people on a weekly basis. I started a successful audio production business.

    Did I mention I did this without a mother (who died when I was 9) and my Dad and brother died also in the last 8 years?   (My brother was 52)

    This, as you might imagine, caused me the most intense anxiety. But I managed to persist, mainly because I am in touch with my intuition. It has never steered me wrong. I have studied intuition with Sonia Choquette and I highly recommend her as a way to get in touch with that deeper part of you that “just knows” and can steer you through life and help you face, or ignore, your fears.

    Blessings to you, Evan.

  3. 43
    Cindy

    I’ve only been reading your blog for about 4 months and your advice has helped me come to grips with a bad relationship. Ironically, on many angst-filled nights your words were the only thing that worked to ease my mind and let me sleep! I’ve bought one of your books, but honestly cant afford much more. Im thankful you’re so generous with your posts. You are doing a great service.

  4. 44
    Carol Allen

    Evan, everything you write is so beautiful and necessary and anyone can instantly take what you’ve said and apply it to their lives in a powerful way. Your work has literally changed the world, and this is just a weird “valley” you are walking through until you get to your next mountain and ascend the summit. You are on a mission from God, even though you don’t believe in him (or her, or it, or whatever…) and it makes a massive difference. Changing one life, helping one relationship, assisting one couple to come together that leads to one baby being born… that stuff ripples out and down the generations, and you’ve done that times thousands. I can fully attest at what you say – that you and your work are so much more than your readers could possibly know or appreciate, and the flip side is, too – your impact on their lives is so much greater than YOU could ever possibly see, because you can’t take in the millions and millions of moments of happiness, connection, closeness, and love that have been created because of what you’ve done these past ten years… And in this kind of work, it’s “thankless” endeavor, much like raising children. You can’t do it so that the people you help thank you – you do it so that they then PAY IT FORWARD by having better lives, allowing them to be better friends, daughters, sons, parents, etc. “A high tide raises all ships” – and you, Sir, have caused a tsunami. Even in this “bad” year of yours. Grateful for YOU!

  5. 45
    Victoria Vaja

    Evan, I appreciate you sharing your struggles. It’s good to know you are a real person. Sometimes, writers seem surreal, in that you have all the answers with few of the issues! It’s good to know indeed you are human. So now I say, I’m sorry you went through all those things this year. But, maybe it’s brought you some new and fresh perspective. I have always valued what you have had to say to women (and men) about relationships. Mainly because you are honest. No sugar coating, just telling it like it is and making people confront sometimes what they already know but don’t want to acknowledge. I have to respect that. I also admire how you are willing to listen to a reader’s opinion/perspective/view/insight. I have learned a lot in my dating/single/relationship/single/etc journey. I’m now engaged! I’m 40 and I’m proud of myself because I didn’t settle. And I remember once you acknowledged that and it meant a lot to me. Mainly because women usually are given a hard time for being single for so long. Something has to be wrong with her right? But you made me feel proud of myself because I didn’t settle for the sake of the title of “Mrs.” That I knew was wrong for me. I really appreciated the acknowledgement. It gave me a lot of confidence and I was even MORE ok with being single and then BOOM! In sauntered in my now Fiancé! So thank you! You helped to just reaffirm me to myself! I hope that this time, your readers can do this for you!!!
    All the best to you Evan!
    Continued Success!
    Victoria V

  6. 46
    Debbie

    Thank you Evan for your continued work on helping us women be the best we can be for the great guys out there. You are my all time favorite dating/relationship resource and I’ve always appreciated your free advice you have generously given over the years!

  7. 47
    AndyK

    Hi Evan,

    I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now. I originally came here looking for dating advice for men after a friendly but emotionally exhausting divorce, and in a roundabout sort of way it’s what I get from it. I’m sorry to hear about all the stress over the last year and hope you will find your centre again. My father always say “Good things happen to good people”. It might be a bit simple and clichéd but if there is any truth in it you are due even more good than you already have.

    I also applaud the freedom that is given in your comment section, I think you strike a very good balance between allowing conflict and avoiding echo chamber behaviour which keeps people coming back for an actual discussion.

  8. 48
    BTUQueen

    Evan, I can’t imagine all the headaches that come your way keeping and growing your business.   I can tell you that the fingernails will grow back sooner than you think.   I am not an avid poster but I am a faithful reader.   You wisely encourage us to look for the guy who is easy to be with, who treats us well.   I often share you words of wisdom with my teenage daughters.   I remind them weekly.    Thanks for sharing your wisdom on the blog.     

  9. 49
    Lynda Jensen

    Hi Evan

    As a divorced, middle aged woman who had been married for 22 years and was woefully unprepared for dating in the new online world    and who was also, unfortunately, not in a position financially to take advantage of your resources,   I read your blog religiously and turned to your search engine each time I had an online dating disaster or doubted myself (which was generally daily lol).   Your straightforward, logical, confidence-building words and responses to questions kept me buoyed up, facing forward and focused on moving past each hurtful or confusing encounter, and brought me to be the best I could be in that world.   I commented from time to time, but I”m not really a joiner, so I am one of the many in the background benefiting from your insights and advice.   I learned so much from you about how men are, generally, how women are, for the most part, and how to be honest with myself to determine and then find what I was truly looking for.   I am so happy to say that I did and my boyfriend of over a year have just bought a home together and are looking forward to a wonderful future together including marriage when the time is right for us. I credit you for helping me learn what I needed to know to move out of a cycle  of frustration and disappointment to become the best partner I could while identifying, and indeed embracing, my feminine qualities. They are exactly what attracting my bf to me and when he followed the pattern you described as showing a man is truly interested and his intentions are pure, I knew he was the one for me. He made it easy for me to trust him by showing me with his actions and I received and accepted his advances until on our 3rd date he asked to be exclusive.   He treats me with love, respect and admiration, as I do him. It’s not perfect-nothing is, but we communicate deeply, openly and honestly through our issues abut most importantly we also never forget to laugh and have fun together through it all.   Without your blog I would never have chosen him – you showed me that I choose  love with my heart and head, instead of    my loins lol

    I often read the blog comments, but generally only briefly as the negativity of some commenters would engulf me and I needed to not get caught up in all that and stay positive, but I just wanted to tell you to never give up what you do as long as you enjoy it. You are awesome at it and making more of an impact than you are aware of, on people like me who follow you quietly – and I’m sure there are many success stories you are never aware of. Your post encouraged me to let you know about this one.

    Thanks so much for all you do, did and will do going forward. Change, if you must, but keep following your heart, gut and instincts. I wish you the best of success! You rock!

  10. 50
    Tracy

    HI Evan

    I am new here , only having found this site last week. I feel like I have found a ‘tribe’ that is way more developed than myself , in terms of looking at dating in a different way.

    Thank you for your work, I just recently purchased the first book, and look forward to starting to ‘realign my thinking’ hopefully toward a more successful future in dating! Don’t quit now, I just got here, lol!

     

    1. 50.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Thank you, Tracy. That just made my day, and it’s only 8:30am here. 😉

  11. 51
    CC

    Hi Evan,

    Not to sound cliché or diminishing in anyway, but regarding the physical ailments “this too shall pass.” In my experience, physical healing typically happens at a much slower pace than I’d like so of course the wait can be grueling. That being said I’m wishing you a speedy recovery!

    If however, you’re not healing or mending as fast as you’d like, or if you’re having chronic issues then I offer you the same advice you offer to us — don’t accept the status quo. Keep persistently seeking out, or looking within, to determine what it is that you need to feel grounded, whole, and healed again. I suspect this blog post is part of that process. And,  it does sound like you do have a recovery plan in place. I’m sure it will continue to improve at a steady clip – so either way you’ll come out triumphant.

    Regarding your business, it does sound like you’re making progress toward getting everything back on track. Whats entrepreneurship without some major bumps in the road, right?!?   Setbacks suck, but at least you’ll have some wonderful stories to tell in the future about how you rebounded from some major doozys!

    I’m a relatively new follower, and an on-and-off lurker — but what I’ve gleaned from all your teachings so far has been invaluable, and I always look forward to learning and experiencing more!

  12. 52
    Candace

    Hi Evan,

    Sending you an email of appreciation has been on my heart, but after reading your post, I thought I would leave a comment of gratitude here on your blog. I have been reading your blog for three years or so and I think it has made me a better person  and a better partner, in general- and You inspire me to strive to continue to grow. From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for the podcast interviews and the platform you are providing to make the general public aware of some really fantastic people that are doing a lot of good in the world. For me, hearing Allana was life changing and I have to thank you for the podcast, being introduced to her, being coached by her- and healing some very deep seated emotional and psychological wounds that were brought on by childhood abuse and trauma. It has given me a completely different outlook on the world- and outlook on myself- and I am grateful to you for providing this amazing service to all of us. Being coached by you is also on my bucket list, but I knew I needed to take care of some wounds before I could move forward in any other area. So thank you again for all you do and know you are making a huge difference in many people’s lives!

     

    Much love,

    Candace

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