Where You Can Meet Tall, Dark, Handsome, Smart, Sexy, Relationship-Oriented Men

First of all, I just want to thank you for being a regular blog reader.

I know that these posts are sometimes provocative (in both good and bad ways), but I greatly appreciate your readership and am always trying to figure out how to do a better job.

Since starting this blog in 2007, I’ve answered hundreds of your questions, clarified my thinking about dating and relationships, and – somehow, some way – became a husband and a father. Hard to believe that this was the same blog that was once called “Advice From a Single Dating Expert,” but, well, there you have it.

We live. We learn.

And in case you didn’t know, most of what I do as a dating coach does NOT take place on this blog. It takes place on my weekly newsletter, which comes out on Tuesdays. Last week, I sent out a survey to my subscribers, just to hear what their most pressing questions were about men and relationships.

The response was overwhelming.

Over 1300 women took the time to fill out my survey last week. What became abundantly clear after, oh, the first 954 responses, was that you’re craving more information, more clarity, more POWER over your own love life.

The #1 thing you want from me – by far – is how to understand men.

That wasn’t a big surprise.

After all, if men were easier to figure out, you’d already be in a healthy relationship, and I’d probably be out of a job.

I’m kidding, of course, but I’m very sympathetic to your frustrations and have made it my top priority to focus my energies on helping you “get” what makes men tick and how you can make better choices with your partners.

Surprising (to me, anyway) was that the second most-important thing to you was “meeting men in real life”. Here’s a sampling of some of your questions:

  • Where do you go to meet real men?
  • Where are the real men after age 50?
  • Where and how do I meet real available men that are close to my age (59)?
  • Where can I meet men in the suburbs?
  • Where do you meet men besides on-line and bars?
  • How can I meet quality men in real life, when my life is so busy?
  • Where do attractive, successful 46 year old divorced women meet men who are 41-50 aside from on-line, a bar and a gym? Where do guys who are divorced, or successful go? Seems like sophisticated guys go to their club or their boat or places we cannot find them? How can we locate our equals? Just want to find them! I can do the rest if I meet anyone similar to me professionally. Want to meet CEO or C level as that is my level…

Personally, I don’t know the difference between the “real man” of which these women speak and a “fake man”, but I am hearing an outcry for the one place that you can go to meet the man of your dreams.

And I was about to supply a few brilliant options, until I read this response:

  • I would love for someone (you?) to stop giving pat answers to “where can I meet a great guy?” like, “join a club!” or “try meetup.com!” or “volunteer!” There has to be other ways, and I feel like every dating expert gives these exact answers every time. I guess I would want you to get a little granular and give more LA-centric answers, because really, LA is different from anywhere else when it comes to dating!

I see.

Out of all the free stuff I offer to you, my next endeavor should be to build a tool so that any woman in any city can plug in her ZIP code and the search engine would spit out the local spot where all the tall, dark, handsome, sophisticated, quality, “real” men are hanging out and giving each other secret handshakes?
Seriously?

There’s no bar or store or city or dating site that has managed to weed out all the losers, liars, chumps and dweebs, thereby preserving only the cream of the crop for your choosing.

Let’s flip this around for a second.

What if a smart, kind, funny, honest, successful man told you that he had a very important question for you that he needs to understand about women.

“So, where do all the young, thin, sexy, witty, optimistic, confident, understanding, self-aware women hang out? There has to be a place because I can’t seem to find a “real” woman who is my equal ANYWHERE!”

What would you say to this poor guy?

“In your dreams.”

“Have you tried Home Depot?”

“I hear some porn stars in the Valley are really sweet.”

“You can hang out in a yoga retreat but most women find it creepy if you hit on them there.”

You know what I’d say to him?

“You’re asking the wrong question.”

There is no one place where all the “quality” women or men hang out.

There’s no bar or store or city or dating site that has managed to weed out all the losers, liars, chumps and dweebs, thereby preserving only the cream of the crop for your choosing.

Quality men are EVERYWHERE. They’re just mixed in with all the rest of the guys out there.

Quality men drive to work.

Quality men play golf and watch football on weekends.

Quality men work 50 hours a week.

But unless you’re going to hitchhike for guys, crash his golf foursome, break into his house or stalk him in his office, you’re simply not meeting him in real life.

You’ve been waiting forever to meet him in real life. Hasn’t happened.

Which is why asking for the location of quality men is the wrong question.

When I said I want to provide advice to you on “meeting men in real life”, it’s not about WHERE you meet them…

It’s about this: “Who am I being that will attract the right kind of man?”

“Who am I being that will attract the right kind of man?”

Put another way, quality men don’t run around asking, “where are all the quality women?”

A quality man puts himself online, he smiles at strangers, he’s friendly at parties, and eventually, he meets women.

Some are great. Some aren’t. That’s the way it goes.

Same goes for you.

So while I’m excited to offer you more coaching and guide you through the dating process, let me make things very clear: don’t waste your time worrying about “where” he is. Worry about what you can control: who are you BEING that will make a guy want to ask you out and fall in love with you wherever you go.

I may joke about some things, but I take this responsibility very seriously.

After reading through every single one of your insightful, heartfelt questions on my survey, all I can say is that I’m honored you trust me with your heart.

I may be a guy, but it’s hard to listen to you and not feel sympathy, as you continually put yourself in harms way and feel like there’s no way to protect yourself.

Although I can’t promise that I will answer all of your questions in my new offering, I assure you that I’m digesting everything you gave me.
If you haven’t yet had your say in my survey (or listened to my free bonus interview that you get at the end), please click here to share your thoughts:

And if you didn’t fill out the survey, you don’t yet know about the exclusive list you can sign up for to receive special notifications about my new offering later this month. Please take a moment to complete the survey and sign up so you don’t miss out on what I’ve got in store for you…

http://web.archive.org/web/20120102105138/http://www.surveygizmo.com:80/s3/620891/Help-Me-Help-You

Thanks again for your kindness and generosity.

I very much hope I can repay you in some way very soon.

Warmest wishes and much love.

Your friend,

Evan

Join our conversation (160 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    adk

    I think that many women don’t want to waste their time anymore going to events, going online, going to parties, in search of the one. By a certain age, women would prefer to hang out with their girlfriends, go to work and the gym and pursue their own hobbies (like yoga and book clubs that don’t offer men). So I think they are asking how to behave if they feel that way.

  2. 2
    Evan Marc Katz

    You have two choices: put yourself in the position to meet men or keep doing what you’re doing (hanging out with your girlfriends, pursuing your hobbies, your book club, your international travel). Which gives you a better chance of finding love? Given that, what exactly is there to discuss?

    Seems to me that women want to keep their lives exactly as it is today – just with a man magically appearing in it. No work, no cost, no sacrifice, no shift.

    There’s no magic. It’s effort and perseverance and all those other things that people routinely do when looking for a job…but not when looking for a husband.

    1. 2.1
      Deb

      Evan – I love what you are doing and you are so great at it. We have the power and you remind us.

      Just tried the survey link and it is closed. Keep up the good work and making a difference.

  3. 3
    Ruby

    adk #1

    I disagree. I think many women over 40 want to meet men, but as EMK says, they want to find men outside of bars (where older men don’t really hang), and online. They want to meet men in real life. I still think there is a holdover with my generation about meeting men in a real-life, romantic way. And I think my generation remembers their twenties & thirties, when you could meet men at parties, through friends, classes, etc., at least more easily then we can today. 

    I was recently at two events where I happened meet to a single guy at each. One seemed interesting and attractive, so we made a date. On the date I learned some things about him that were dealbreakers for me (and would be problematic for many women). The second guy who approached me was obnoxious, and I was not even remotely attracted to him. 
     
    Not that I’ll give up on meeting men “in real life”, but it did make online dating seem a bit more appealing! At least you can avoid the ones you don’t want and qualify the others before dating them.

    1. 3.1
      Interested

      Tried Internet dating for 2 years and had exactly 3 dates. One lasted 10 minutes. 2nd much longer and consisted of a coffee and 1 drink (I paid for my own coffee. He sprang for the glass of wine.) this was followed by 6-7 messages from him as to when we would have sex together.
      Other date was with a very nice man with an outdated, incorrect photo of him. He was nice enough, but absolutely no chemistry whatsoever, never would happen. We had a nice meal and he was a courteous man.
      Not one other man made/kept a date. The whole experience was very time consuming and demoralizing. Sort of like dating my ex
      With none of the perks.
      I keep
      Going out and doing what I like to do. I do not need to join a women’s knotting circle. But Internet dating was like looking for a job as an astronaut online. A lot better chance of it by getting involved in real life experiences and encounters. On line dating consisted of MANY men who were unavailable (married, busy, scared, or only I retested in sex. I can find that on the corner any day of the week. Why waste my time in the Internet revealing personal I formation to thousands of strangers?
      Good for you MEK for finding your dream girl on line.
      Personally, it was an experiment I was very optimistic about. I received many relies who h was good for my shattered ego after my break up. But the men were not really forthcoming in actuality.

  4. 4
    lawyerette

    This discussion brings to mind my favorite quote from The Wire: you want it to be one way, but it’s the other way.

    The way I try to frame it to my girlfriends: any one event or night you go out, your odds of meeting The Guy are pretty slim. However, the more nights you go out and the more events you go to, your odds improve greatly in the aggregate.

    Evan, I think the reason why that idea is so discouraging to your clients is because they tend to be Type As who have a hard time putting a lot of effort into things (going out) that do not produce immediate and tangible results (meeting a guy). Harvard Business Professor Clayton Christenson illustrated this beautifully in an essay of his called How Will You Measure Your Life? His theory is that Type A people who are very successful in their careers are those drawn to doing things that offer immediate and tangible rewards. But over a lifetime, the sum of making decisions that way leads to lives that are unfulfilled and unhappy.

  5. 5
    david

    I think what’s at that heart of these inquiries is a fear of or an embarrassment of online dating….I know a very attractive woman in her 30’s who literally BRISTLES at the thought of online dating, like that is one threshold she REFUSES to cross…but I think her FEAR of online dating is MUCH MUCH GREATER than her WANT to meet someone…has she met someone in the supermarket? (One of the ways she wants it to happen) Nope….

    But to parrot Evan’s response — where are we? We are EVERYWHERE. But we may be 5’7 or 5’8 (oh the horror!) or not have as much hair as we did when we were 25 or aren’t “inspiring” the second you meet them….

    TEDx conferences are a good place to meet guys, btw. Sit at the counter or bar by yourself (or better yet, next to a guy) for lunch or dinner (AND DON”T PLAY WITH YOUR PHONE)…don’t be afraid to say ‘hi’ next to the guy next to you and we’ll take it from there….

  6. 6
    Shoegirl

    I totally agree with you Evan.  You can’t expect a different outcome if you continue to behave the same way.  You have to put yourself out there and enjoy it….enjoy life!  🙂

  7. 7
    Michael

    Evan hits the mark yet again.
    I talk to men about this all the time, like the guy who complained that the best women don’t go to singles events. I told him, no, that’s a plus, because when you see those women at the coffee shop, at the grocery store or in line for the ATM, they’re not also being circled by 10 other desperate men.
    Of course, you have to develop your social skills to meet people this way, but if you don’t have great social skills, you’re not going to get the pick of the litter in the first place.
    The handsome, smart, passionate men are out there, meeting women not at mixers or on Match but in the course of their daily lives.

    1. 7.1
      Liv

      Haha I agree with you!☺

  8. 8
    Judy

    This article made me chuckle. Evan, with your quick wit, once again you explained things by flipping the questions around, and seeing from the other side. You are right it’s not where, but how we are being to attract the right man.
    Thanks!

  9. 9
    Steve

    @adk #1
    I feel that way and I am a guy :).  I like yoga and bookclubs.  When I did them I never met single and interesting/interested women.  Anyway, just drop a woman off on my doorstep.  Late 30s – early 40s, in shape, likes to laugh.  Thanks

    1. 9.1
      Julie Poliscar

      Lol!

  10. 10
    Anne

    I’ve been reading EMK’s blog for a while and he is honest & consistent on his advice. I just turned 30 and I’ve been single 2 years. I’m at the age where I explore all avenues of chance which include…. Friends hooking me up, meeting men at bars, parties, online, in the dentist office waiting room….etc. The thing that ALL women need to understand is finding “the one” takes time & energy on YOUR part. There’s no ABC’s & 123’s How To manual on meeting “the one” & there’s certainly not an Island full of single men that single women swim to where we pick out Mr. Right. Mr. Right is found by making the most of every situation where there is potential to meet someone. Keep your eyes & mind open to the fact that he could be anywhere & anywhere there is potential is where you should be. EMK is simply our voice of reason & men are men regardless of the postal/zip code girlfriends!!!! So here’s to all of us single ladies taking ownership of our dating destiny 🙂 Cheers

  11. 11
    Bettina

    When I was in my 20s I was sitting on a park bench and a cute, shy kind of guy was sort of checking me out. Then, out of nowhere, a petite, non-sleazy, dressed-to-the-nines chick comes up to him, hands him a card, and says, “Hi. I am So-and-So and I’m looking to expand my social circle. Here’s my card. Give me a call if you’d like to get together.” Then she strode away, confidence oozing from every pore.

    This was before online dating. “Guerilla tactics,” I thought. “She isn’t looking to expand her social circle–she’s looking to get married!” (Duh.) Desperate times, desperate measures. He looked at me, kinda shocked. But he wasn’t checking ME out anymore, I can tell you that. (She was really pretty.)

    No moral or message here. Except that maybe you can meet men in a park if you are really, really ballsy. 

    Next thought: What if she’s like that ALL the time?

  12. 12
    Elizabeth

    She’s a little crazy, but The Millionaire Matchmaker’s book has a great chapter on where to meet men (see video above). 
    Also, rock-climbing gyms are a gold mine.

  13. 13
    Eric

    As one of these allegedly nonexistent guys that all of your clients are looking for who is looking for a serious relationship himself, I have to say that in my on-line dating experience (actively using for at least a couple of years) almost all of the women are not trying (and I expect that many of your clients say the same about men).  I may write my own book some day about how to write an on-line dating profile!  (I’ve paid the money and had a stellar, accurate and completely truthful profile written and had a professional photo taken.)

    The jerks are going to write to you anyway but I’m not likely to waste my time trying to write you a witty e-mail when I’m tired after a long day at work if your picture is a blurry head shot and your profile is two sentences long (giving me nothing to ask about).  I already have to deal with the fact that most on-line dating profiles are not “active” users meaning most of my e-mails will go into a black hole.  It’s also extremely rare that a woman initiates contact with me so it’s important to remember the numbers game involved here; even if I happen to click on your profile and think you’re nice I may arbitrarily decide to e-mail someone else but certainly wouldn’t mind an e-mail from you.

    I don’t mean to “complain” but I think some perspective is appropriate.  Several of my friends have married people that they met on-line.  I’m definitely open to the possibility if I can find someone else who is also.

  14. 14
    Dawn

    And sometimes we just have to accept that maybe we really aren’t ready to meet the “right” guy.
    In the last year, online and off, most of the guys I meet are out for just one thing. I want more.
    Recently I decided it was time to take a step back, and focus on other things for a change.
    Don’t they always say, you find what your looking for, when you aren’t looking at all.
     
     

  15. 15
    helene

    I think, to be fair, that the reason women ask “where are the tall handsome caring successful men?” is because of the manifest ABSENCE of such men in all of the situations we put ourselves in. Sure, the dentist’s waiting room, the mall, the summer barbecue, the online sites… you can meet plenty men who are short or overweight or out of work or not interested in committment or living with their mother or boring or shy or elderly or badly dressed…. but attractive, charismatic men – in your dreams! Evan’s postulate is that the attractive ones are just out there, mixed in with the unattractive ones… but the point is, they’re not! It is the stunning ABSENCE of these men in normal everyday situations that leads us to wonder if they are all holed up somewhere, in some exclusive yacht club or whisky tasting society or secret and totally exclusive gym or SOMEWHERE. It seems inconceivable that it you are putting yourself out there in varied social and work situations that you are not coming across at least SOME of these men at random – but you don’t! And I have to say that as far as cute, attactive, relationship -orientated women are concerned, they are, indeed, everywhere. Even as a woman, I can see that. I wish I was a man!

    1. 15.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      That’s right, Helene. Only one gender is filled with quality. Women. We men are so lucky that there’s 50 amazing women for every one man. You nailed it.

      1. 15.1.1
        Alexandra

        I completly agree with helen. And yes she nailed it. Damn spot on. 
        men ourdays are no longer men. They dont understand what in & out balance is, self awarenes even less so. Some are great tho, they go on their person growth & become men. But most, are lazy n happy with how they are. Women are by far more independent, brave, good hygene & self care … They can manage alone & raise kids & run several jobs & household. Men? Cant put up with half than that!! N always need a woman ( sorry a mother!!) some growing up & grooming & some bravery wouldnt kill u guys.

        1. RustyLH

          WOW, that’s some serious man hate? Makes one wonder why you are here?

          “”””””””””But most, are lazy n happy with how they are.””””””””””” A sign of maturity is being able to be happy with who you are and what you have. Immaturity is when you are never satisfied, always comparing to what other people have and thinking you have to have the same thing, or better. Men are best served running from women like that. We aren’t your beast of burden. The purpose of our life is not to impress your friends or provide you with new shoes.
          “Women are by far more independent,” Then you can get by without alimony, right? You’ll be letting your politicians know that you think alimony laws should be abolished, right?

          “””””””””””brave,”””””””””””” So when the ship goes down, you’ll willingly go down with it so the men and children can live?

          “”””””””””good hygene & self care””””””””””” Sorry but women do not have a lock on this. Most men I know practice good hygiene. What men are you surrounded by? Mountain men who never take a bath? But then, I’ve always lived around Navy towns so many people there are not true rednecks. Many are active, former active, or retired military. If you don’t have good hygiene entering the military, they will teach you have it. What exactly are you calling good hygiene anyway? Don’t most men take daily showers, use soap, shampoo, tooth paste, deodorant, cologne, etc…? I will admit that for most men, manicures and pedicures are not part of their routine. If that is what you want, don’t know what to tell you. Most men have not, do not, and will not ever have that as part of their routine. Men just aren’t raised that way. On the flip side, I’ve run into plenty of women who smelled bad, had bad breath, and couldn’t be bothered to run a brush through their hair that day. Laziness in this area is not the sole domain of a man. How many men do you see going to the store wearing pajamas? What is with young women doing that? The house dress? That man repelling garment worn by some middle age and older women? Yeah, we men don’t have a counterpart to that.

          “”””””””They can manage alone & raise kids””””””””” Bull pucky! Yeah, sure you manage, with a healthy chunk of the man’s income you manage. Besides, most men I know want at least a full 50% of the time but most women fight tooth and nail to deny them this. So this is not a badge of honor for you. You asked for it, you got it, so stop whining about it. Besides, the rare times men do get the custody, they do just fine and are more likely to have to do so without child support from the woman.
          http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joseph-e-cordell/the-myth-of-the-deadbeat-_b_4745118.html

          According to data gathered by the U.S. Census Bureau, “deadbeat mom” might actually be a more fitting term than deadbeat dad. While there are definitely more custodial mothers than custodial fathers overall, the data shows that women are more likely to fail to make child support payments than men, leaving the fathers stuck paying all the bills when it comes to the children.
          Source: http://www.scfamilylaw.com/are-women-more-likely-to-fail-to-pay-child-support-than-men/

          “””””””run several jobs & household. Men? Cant put up with half than that!! N always need a woman ( sorry a mother!!) some growing up & grooming & some bravery wouldnt kill u guys.””””””””

          I have news for you. I groom myself quite well. I take a minimum two showers a day because I take one before going to bed and one when I get up. I don’t like to sleep feeling dirty or sticky, and like to start the day fresh. If I worked, or worked out, to the point of sweating, I take a 3rd shower. I can cook, and did most of the cooking during my marriage. I can do the laundry and typically do my own clothes. In fact, I have yet to meet a woman who is my equal in the home because my mom taught me to do everything that a woman used to do in the home, but I also grew up doing construction work and have done so intermittently, and still do it part time while i go to college, so the odds of finding a woman that can do as much as me regarding the home…very very minute. Maybe if you didn’t hate men so much, you might find a good one. Likely the good ones detect that simmering hate and avoid you. Maybe that hate comes from the fact that you need a man around more than men need you around, and hat really bothers you. Start with an attitude adjustment. Learn that we don’t need you, but many might like to have you around if yo made them feel good about being a man.

  16. 16
    Sayanta

    Bryant Park, NYC. swimming with attractive men at lunchtime- now I just have to get the nerve to make eye contact with one

  17. 18
    Francesca

    Its funny how “putting yourself out there” is the answer to almost everything out there. Putting yourself into a position where you are approachable, where you aren’t coated up to your eyeballs in friends/family/hobbies.

    I recently went to a highschool friend’s engagement. I did know people but had no “base” (ie someone who would talk to me no matter what I said). I’m not sure what it was I was drinking but I made more of an effort to be bubbly, listen to other people, and pick up on others cues. I walked out of there with 4 numbers, 4 over 3 hours. I have a boyfriend as well so it wasn’t intentional at all! 

    Recently a friend of mine was lamenting (a little) about going travelling with her boyfriend because even though she’s very in love she remembers when she went backpacking alone a few years back she was more approachable then when she had this hulk beside her :p . 

    I don’t think you can really expect to meet someone wonderful without making some adjustments to your current life. Putting yourself in scary situations, adapting and so forth. Even when you find someone more adjustments will have to be made. I know it took a bit of juggling and a bit of tension to be able to see my boyfriend 3-4 times a week. 

  18. 19
    david

    I must say there is a particular, very specific LOOK of guy many women are describing online — you know, the athletic, tall handsome, fit guy with a strong jaw and a twinkle in his eye — the George Clooney, Jon Hamm types — hate to say it — I don’t see a lot of guys who look like that (“Guy 10s” if you will)..I live in LA, on the WestSide and I rarely see that type (single or with a lady)….when I do, they are in West Hollywood…if you know what I mean….

  19. 20
    Michael17

    Dear Ms Quality,

    I’m Mr The Kind Of Guy You Might Be Looking For. I’d to meet you as much as you would like to meet me. Yes I am online, but I am also in the supermarket, the coffee shop, and the gym. Anyway, I’m surprised you have any interest, or if you do, you have a funny way of showing it. I tried making eye contact and smiling at you, but you ignored me. We actually ended up talking and I got your number, but now you won’t call or text me back. So I find myself wondering if you ever really wanted to meet me. And yes, my ego can only take so much of a beating here…

    Yes Quality, I know I’m not perfect. I wish I knew what to say those 3 minutes when I had your attention in Whole Foods, but it does take some nerve for me to approach a woman I don’t know and I was a little nervous (I never invested in PUA training, sorry). I wish I had enough luck to cross paths with you not at the gym (you’re busy working out), the supermarket (you just want to get your shopping done), on the street (you don’t meet guys at the street) but at the…. bar? (Wait, I don’t go to bars.)

    It’s OK though. Smile at me next time we cross paths and all will be forgiven. I’ll talk to you like nothing happened. If I get your number, I will call you, but get back to me, OK?  

    Looking forward to meeting you soon!

     

    1. 20.1
      ScottH

      Bravo!

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