Where You Can Meet Tall, Dark, Handsome, Smart, Sexy, Relationship-Oriented Men

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First of all, I just want to thank you for being a regular blog reader.

I know that these posts are sometimes provocative (in both good and bad ways), but I greatly appreciate your readership and am always trying to figure out how to do a better job.

Since starting this blog in 2007, I’ve answered hundreds of your questions, clarified my thinking about dating and relationships, and — somehow, some way — became a husband and a father. Hard to believe that this was the same blog that was once called “Advice From a Single Dating Expert,” but, well, there you have it.

We live. We learn.

And in case you didn’t know, most of what I do as a dating coach does NOT take place on this blog. It takes place on my weekly newsletter, which comes out on Tuesdays. Last week, I sent out a survey to my subscribers, just to hear what their most pressing questions were about men and relationships.

The response was overwhelming.

Over 1300 women took the time to fill out my survey last week. What became abundantly clear after, oh, the first 954 responses, was that you’re craving more information, more clarity, more POWER over your own love life.

The #1 thing you want from me — by far – is how to understand men.

That wasn’t a big surprise.

After all, if men were easier to figure out, you’d already be in a healthy relationship, and I’d probably be out of a job.

I’m kidding, of course, but I’m very sympathetic to your frustrations and have made it my top priority to focus my energies on helping you “get” what makes men tick and how you can make better choices with your partners.

Surprising (to me, anyway) was that the second most-important thing to you was “meeting men in real life”. Here’s a sampling of some of your questions:

  • Where do you go to meet real men?
  • Where are the real men after age 50?
  • Where and how do I meet real available men that are close to my age (59)?
  • Where can I meet men in the suburbs?
  • Where do you meet men besides on-line and bars?
  • How can I meet quality men in real life, when my life is so busy?
  • Where do attractive, successful 46 year old divorced women meet men who are 41-50 aside from on-line, a bar and a gym? Where do guys who are divorced, or successful go? Seems like sophisticated guys go to their club or their boat or places we cannot find them? How can we locate our equals? Just want to find them! I can do the rest if I meet anyone similar to me professionally. Want to meet CEO or C level as that is my level…

Personally, I don’t know the difference between the “real man” of which these women speak and a “fake man”, but I am hearing an outcry for the one place that you can go to meet the man of your dreams.

And I was about to supply a few brilliant options, until I read this response:

  • I would love for someone (you?) to stop giving pat answers to “where can I meet a great guy?” like, “join a club!” or “try meetup.com!” or “volunteer!” There has to be other ways, and I feel like every dating expert gives these exact answers every time. I guess I would want you to get a little granular and give more LA-centric answers, because really, LA is different from anywhere else when it comes to dating!

I see.

Out of all the free stuff I offer to you, my next endeavor should be to build a tool so that any woman in any city can plug in her ZIP code and the search engine would spit out the local spot where all the tall, dark, handsome, sophisticated, quality, “real” men are hanging out and giving each other secret handshakes?
Seriously?

There’s no bar or store or city or dating site that has managed to weed out all the losers, liars, chumps and dweebs, thereby preserving only the cream of the crop for your choosing.

Let’s flip this around for a second.

What if a smart, kind, funny, honest, successful man told you that he had a very important question for you that he needs to understand about women.

“So, where do all the young, thin, sexy, witty, optimistic, confident, understanding, self-aware women hang out? There has to be a place because I can’t seem to find a “real” woman who is my equal ANYWHERE!”

What would you say to this poor guy?

“In your dreams.”

“Have you tried Home Depot?”

“I hear some porn stars in the Valley are really sweet.”

“You can hang out in a yoga retreat but most women find it creepy if you hit on them there.”

You know what I’d say to him?

“You’re asking the wrong question.”

There is no one place where all the “quality” women or men hang out.

There’s no bar or store or city or dating site that has managed to weed out all the losers, liars, chumps and dweebs, thereby preserving only the cream of the crop for your choosing.

Quality men are EVERYWHERE. They’re just mixed in with all the rest of the guys out there.

Quality men drive to work.

Quality men play golf and watch football on weekends.

Quality men work 50 hours a week.

But unless you’re going to hitchhike for guys, crash his golf foursome, break into his house or stalk him in his office, you’re simply not meeting him in real life.

You’ve been waiting forever to meet him in real life. Hasn’t happened.

Which is why asking for the location of quality men is the wrong question.

When I said I want to provide advice to you on “meeting men in real life”, it’s not about WHERE you meet them…

It’s about this: “Who am I being that will attract the right kind of man?”

“Who am I being that will attract the right kind of man?”

Put another way, quality men don’t run around asking, “where are all the quality women?”

A quality man puts himself online, he smiles at strangers, he’s friendly at parties, and eventually, he meets women.

Some are great. Some aren’t. That’s the way it goes.

Same goes for you.

So while I’m excited to offer you more coaching and guide you through the dating process, let me make things very clear: don’t waste your time worrying about “where” he is. Worry about what you can control: who are you BEING that will make a guy want to ask you out and fall in love with you wherever you go.

I may joke about some things, but I take this responsibility very seriously.

After reading through every single one of your insightful, heartfelt questions on my survey, all I can say is that I’m honored you trust me with your heart.

I may be a guy, but it’s hard to listen to you and not feel sympathy, as you continually put yourself in harms way and feel like there’s no way to protect yourself.

Although I can’t promise that I will answer all of your questions in my new offering, I assure you that I’m digesting everything you gave me.
If you haven’t yet had your say in my survey (or listened to my free bonus interview that you get at the end), please click here to share your thoughts:

And if you didn’t fill out the survey, you don’t yet know about the exclusive list you can sign up for to receive special notifications about my new offering later this month. Please take a moment to complete the survey and sign up so you don’t miss out on what I’ve got in store for you…

http://web.archive.org/web/20120102105138/http://www.surveygizmo.com:80/s3/620891/Help-Me-Help-You

Thanks again for your kindness and generosity.

I very much hope I can repay you in some way very soon.

Warmest wishes and much love.

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Christina

    I honestly think that the women who never see a quality man ANYWHERE, either have delusions about their “standards” and what they can attract, or are simply not open to meeting someone truly decent.
      
    When I was dating, meeting quality men was not at all the problem- they seemed to be everywhere, online and off. (but then, I don’t think that being 5’7″ makes a guy undatable, either) Finding one who was right for me was another matter. 🙂
      
    No one is perfect, but it seems that everyone is looking for perfection. Tall and handsome won’t mean a thing ten years from now when what really matters is having someone with integrity and shared values in your life on a day-to-day basis.
      
    It’s hard to find the right person when you start out looking for the wrong things.

    1. 21.1
      Richard

      Christina hit the nail on the head. It’s the sights, sounds,and feelings of the road, not the car your driving in.

      1. 21.1.1
        Buck25

        “It’s the sights, sounds, and feelings of the road, not the car you (sic) driving in”

        Well, maybe…but you have to admit, that road looks, sounds, and feels a little different behind the wheel of a Ferrari, than it does behind the wheel of a Yugo. 🙂

  2. 22
    Gem

    I see tall, dark, handsome men often. But until I get to know someone, I don’t know if they are “quality” or not.

    Sometimes the men I see have rings on –   there goes that! Sometimes I’m just not in a position to saunter up and introduce myself. (I may have my son with me…). But when I can, I ALWAYS make eye contact, smile and say “Hi.”

    In real life, or online, we have to be open, we have to be positive, we have to get to know someone past their looks. That’s the only way to find “quality.”

  3. 23
    Stacy

    There absolutely is a single best place where you can meet “quality” men (“C-Level” and otherwise well positioned): WORK. I met and dated CEOs and I met them at professional industry events, schmoozed, flirted, went to dinner, the rest is easy. Another way to meet “quality” men is to go to clubs and have a crew of girl friends who are into “hunting” for mutual introductions and support, etc. This is easily done when you’re under the age of 35 i guess, but for a 46 yo getting into a hot club could be problematic and a futile effort anyway because she’d be going against 23 yo models.

    All other commonly recommended places are honestly a joke.

  4. 24
    Goldie

    My two cents on Stacy’s #24. You can get away with maybe dating one person at work (and you better end up marrying each other). When you get into higher numbers, you get a reputation in the office. I know at least one guy for whom it has affected his career, he’s very smart and capable but people now tend to not take him seriously, which is very sad. When I was married, I thought dating coworkers was in theory a good idea, because you know the person so well. But when I became single, I very quickly realized by watching other couples in my office that no, it’s not worth a try.
      
    I’m not even going to go into the subject of dating your managers, their managers, etc. – a disaster waiting to happen.
      
    A colleague from another company is a maybe, depending on how big your professional community is and whether, if things go bad, it’d be likely to hurt you when you change jobs. I just dodged a huge one in that regard. Bad breakup with a colleague that left me shaking in my sandals, thinking that I was now blacklisted from wherever he worked, and could never apply to work there myself. Then I found out that his place of work would be a 70 mile commute for me… eh, nevermind!
      
    An ex-coworker is probably your best bet. You’ve left the old job for a valid reason and so won’t be going back there again; and you’ve known the guy for years since you once worked together. Here, too, though, you can only date so many ex-coworkers before word gets out – you still need these people for references! I stopped at two 😀

  5. 25
    Sharon

    I’m with Helene. I play little game in the morning on my way to work on the subway. I try to match couples in the subway car based on appearance. (I figure it’s an exercise in the dating market.) I’m always stuck with 4 to 5 ladies with no comparable men.  

    The groceries store is men with their girlfriends/wives/families

    Restaurants are full men on dates

    I go to three different gym locations
    1. morning gym almost all women
    2. afternoon gym all gay (I work in Chelsea,   there is no helping this fact.)
    3. evening gym ….
    (ok there are single straight men there but it’s very jersey shore. So maybe I could screen until I found with   a soul and a brain, scrub out all the heinous hair product get him to grow back his eye brows beat him until “Bro” has been removed from his vernacular I may have something.)

    I don’t really expect to meet men at chichi art openings as Taken, Hoebag or Gay seems to be the norm.

    My best friend always is around boys but its more that tattooed, punk, low brow art scene.  (Not that I mind having a couple beers with some stoners as they debate the merits of thundercats. It’s usually hilarious and makes for an interesting circle of friends.)

  6. 26
    Stacy

    Sayanta #17:

    I wouldn’t advise Bryant Park as a place to meet “quality men”… maybe it would work for early 20-ies gals but not for those “extremely successful looking for their equal”. Highly successful men do NOT go to parks and takeouts for lunch (they either eat at their offices or expensive restaurants with their business associates. BP is populated with office plankton). Furthermore,  they do NOT go to meetup events that cost $20, they do NOT join book clubs and they do NOT take single cruises on sale for $950. They also, for the most part, do NOT attend “networking events” organized by alumni clubs (even ivy league) unless invited as keynote/speakers.
      
    Adopt the velvet rope mentality: if you can get into an event or activity easily and don’t have to belong to a curtain group to do it, the men you want aren’t there.

    So what DO they do and where do they go? They freaking WORK 99% of their time, which is what makes them so successful in the first place. When they don’t work, they relax at places where most “regular”  women would not have access to. This is not an illusion, this is reality. Golf with their buddies. Private parties thrown by NetJets and Nobu’s of the world. High-end night clubs. Private beach clubs in their communities. VIP  seats at sporting events.  Business class lounges at airports.  This is where you go to find them. And, I am imagining that a “smart, successful  woman” should  be resourceful enough to do it.  
    P.S. my absolute favorite “pick-up technique” is asking men for a blackberry charger in  airport lounges. Safe way to strike a conversation, he’s “rescuing” you which men love, he’s not surrounded by a bunch of hungry bimbos, and you know that he must’ve done something right in his life to end up in that $5,000 seat.
      

    1. 26.1
      Interested

      Interesting and excellent advice. Sadly I am
      not in this economic class, but then again many men in this economic class are not necessarily seeking an economic equal. They are seeking some type of companion or peer. Generally money is not their objective.
      I would say to all women aim high for the man you want and try to go where he might be.
      An old beau of mine (from many years ago) was a Harvard grad and a true gent in every sense of the word. He ended up marrying a secretary in the company his family owned.
      He does not need money from her. He needed and found liove and companionship. He was handsome, smart and educated. I dated him when I was 19,not really looking for a husband. He was about 25 years old at the time. It was not the moment for me or him, but I can tell you this handsome, smart kind man was very down to Earth and found the same in a woman.
      So guys, next time you think a girl is not “good enough” for you, ask yourself “what does she see in me?” I have dated cheap guys, noncommittal guys, short guys , rich guys, fat guys, bald guys etc. what will make the relationship work? Attraction, love and compatibility. Period. I have dated handsome, smart, successful men that were unkind. NEXT!!! Don’t think women are so superficial when it comes to men. If I don’t like the way you smell or don’t have some type of interest in your physical company, your personality or you do not find me attractive, it will NEVER work. Relationships are not merely an economic equation for women. And for the record, I am a 5’8″ woman who prefers a man who is physically a bit superior to me. Call me crazy, but I am not comfortable with a much smaller man. I’ve tried it, done it. It didn’t work for me. It is hard enough to get a relationship of any type going. There are so many factors. I dated one man who had so many qualities I loved, but the sex was just NOT working. Tall, smart, educated, kind with plenty of money. and shared values. I was making good money at that time as well. Perfect on paper, not working in person.
      This BS about shorter men is too stupid for words. I have met many tall men who tell me they will not date a vey petite woman because they do not feel physically comfortable. Does that make either party inherently less attractive? NO.It just means that both people do not feel the same level of physical comfort with one another.. END OF STORY l
      Do t be a cry baby about it. 5’8″ is an average height for a man. It is okay if he’s got all the other stuff going on to make me feel comfortable and attracted. If he’s 6′ and there is nothing about him that is calling out to me, iPads. Why these vey short women reject men 2-3 inches taller than them as “too short” is beyond my comprehension. However, it is not every tall woman, just as it is not every tall man, that is comfortable with a partner of a much mor diminutive stature. Get real guys and girls!
      I remember having a long talk with one man at a party. He was attractive and bright. I am a slim brunette. Towards the end of our conversation he said too bad you’re not blonde. Thank you!!! He prefers blondes.. Great I excused myself to go to the ladies room and did not return. Personal preference is personal preference. I do not think he is a jackass if he prefers blondes. That’s what he likes! I would have been wasting all my time trying to convince him otherwise. Who cares how tall you are? The girl either likes you or not. I have one female friend who will only date tall skinny men. She is short and pretty with a nice figure. But that is the type of man she feels comfortable with. So why should she be with a man she feels uncomfortable with? I try to keep an open mind about physical appearance, but if I am not comfortable – why bother? It’s not a “judgement”, it’s a preference. Some like winter, some lore fee summer. Who cares?

    2. 26.2
      Emma

      Ive been in long term relationships with these types of men.   Engaged to 2. You are 100% correct. These are the exact places they hang out. You missed sporting events in quality seats.
      Thing is MANY of these guys are narcissists.
      They dont necessarily want high power women.   They want a cheerleader, hotness, good sex, and some brains.
      Dont expect to be swooned by these guys forever.
      They love attention.
      Its hard work keeping up because many other women are always trying to nip them away from you.
      Yes there are many positive aspects but Im just giving you guys a reality check.
      Best way to meet these guys is through a set up. Ask people if they know any single men. Ask everyone, nothing to lose.
      Luck. Ive had early dinners by myself at a high end resaurant at the bar. Ive been approached by numerous men of this type just by doing that. Had my meal paid for etc.
      I am quite attractive but not a bombshell. Its also about your personality, friendliness and demeanor. Be knowledgeable.
      Take care of any weight issues!! Dont have to be skinny but these men do not like out of shape women.
      Good luck if youre up for it. Its completely different than a relationship with the average Joe.

  7. 27
    Angie

    @David #5 and #20
      
    I live on the westside of LA and 90% of the single women I have met in this city (I’ve lived here about 7 months) are on a dating site.   Most of these women are incredibly attractive, successful and young.   I’m not sure why your friend is so weirded out by it, since there are more people in LA on dating sites than I have encountered in any other place I’ve been.
      
    The weird part is all the crazy messages you receive, but at least some of them are worth a laugh.   I’ve met some decent guys in LA online, but have also met some completely awkward guys.   There were no absolute jerks that I met online (although, I probably received messages and ignored them).

  8. 28
    nathan

    To the women who are complaining about the lack of “quality” men.
      
    Is it you that I see when I’m out at the local coffee shop, sitting there behind a computer screen or book, absolutely unwilling to engage even a smile from across the room? Is it you in the grocery store, who is turning away from every last glance because you’re “only there for shopping?” Is it you who is the one who always trots out the “you could be a serial killer or rapist” line whenever you meet a stranger? Is it you that I met at a friend’s party who works 60-70 hours a week, and then hides out at home the rest of the time, to exhausted to do anything else? Is it you that I met in yoga class who has a “strict policy” of not mixing romance with your wellness practice?” Is it you that has your guard up in almost every   situation because “you never know what could happen”?
      
    I guess I’m just asking, because there seems to be a fair number of you out there, from my experience.

  9. 29
    Ruby

    Stacy #27

    A man who works 99% of the time, golfing in his 1% of free time, and hanging out in airport lounges, may be wealthy, but might not be the best match if you are looking for real companionship. Nothing wrong with a man who makes money, but does he have to be rich? Perhaps a man who makes a decent living, but is more well-rounded, with a bit more free time, is actually a better partner. Money is not synonymous  with “quality”.

  10. 30
    JB

    @Evan #16…………LOL You’re right,we’re so lucky to have THAT ratio. 😉

    But in all honesty,(and I’ve said this in other threads on here) I understand at least a little where Helene is coming from. From my own experiences as a guy dating online for many years(too many…lol) I can search/peruse female profiles in my age range(40-55) and I can pick out many what I consider to be attractive “quality looking” women’s profiles.But when I do a reverse search putting myself in the shoes of one of those  “attractive” 44 yr.old woman searching for an ‘equal” or  “quality” man I can barely find 3 men.(taking myself OUT of the equation of course,because I’m not one of them)Leading me to always wonder:

    A.) Who can these women be emailing back and or meeting on this site if any??
             3 guys ?!! Boy they must be busy and lucky….lol
    B.) Are everyone’s(men and women’s) expectations so delusionally out of whack that it’s close to impossible FOR SOME to find happiness? Maybe.
    C.) Do women find things in many of the other mens’profiles that I’m missing? I doubt it……I think I know a good profile after 15yrs.
    D.) Is it because SOME women for the most part put a lot more effort into making a “quality” profile with many pics in stylish outfits than their “busy” tall,dark,handsome,successful male counterparts?? Probably.
    E.) Is it true that those types of men that are delusionally out of most of these women’s leagues DON”T HAVE TO DATE ONLINE ??? So unless you’re hanging out at The Yacht Club you’re SOL.

    I was having a conversation with a female friend over the weekend who’s been online dating for a few years and I told her simply for the most part online a woman just has to attractive(good pics)  and she’ll have at least some success online but men have to be attractive,tall,educated,have a good job title/income  etc……just to have a chance.  

    I think the media(TV shows especially)  over the years has had a hand in “brainwashing” people into thinking what’s attractive and what isn’t and if you’re not with someone who is you’d rather just be alone and /or wait………and wait…..and wait………………and many …….wait forever.Sadly,I might be one of them.

  11. 31
    Stacy

    Ruby #30.

    I agree. Which is why i put quotation marks around quality. If quailty to someone means c-level, they should realize what comes with it.

  12. 32
    Sayanta

    Stacy

    Whoa…I go to Bryant for lunch. Guess I’m not ‘highly successful.’ Where do you get all this from?

  13. 33
    Sayanta

    Oh, to Stacy, in addition to my other comment, everything you’ve described about where to find ‘highly successful’ men sounds like an episode from Mad Men, not real life

  14. 34
    Daphne

    I have never met a ‘dangerous’, criminal, creepy, or otherwise unpleasant man through Match. I have met about two dozen who are not my match at all, and two who I dated. But online dating is not disreputable at all. You just have to keep at it. Thank you EMK for point out that there’s no success without effort !

  15. 35
    Stacy

    Sayanta
    I dont watch TV (much) so I am not getting the reference to Mad Man. (another thing BTW – want to meet more men – cut your cable. Sitting in your apartment instantly becomes less appealing).

    The point I am trying to  get across is that highly successful men as defined by some of Evan’s readers do not hang out with the “general population”. If you think this isn’t accurate, please share with us when was the last time you met  a CEO (like a real one, not of a company based in his rental apartment), a fund manager or even a mid-level trader or any other measurably successful man in Bryant Park (i actually work 2 blocks away from it, so i know the scene. For all it’s worth, if you want a good crowd in that area go to the Bryant Park Hotel bar downstairs right after work. There you see some real people).

    Again i am not saying that money=quality. This is far from obvious to me, having dated my fair share of high-fliers I am not convinced I’d enjoy being married to one. But if THAT’s what you want, do NOT expect to meet them in the commonly suggested places…
      

  16. 36
    Michael17

    Well said, nathan #29. Women are the ones who make dating harder by having both their guard up AND their expectations “too high” (the Instant Chemistry thing).

  17. 37
    AQ

    It is a numbers game – there is nothing like being online in a great place. BUT big question for you – how do we trust some of these candidates – I am in the over 50 category even though upper 40s myself. I have a tall, dark, handsome successful man who was really into me on the first date and wants a second date as soon as possible. Dream? Right? But what about his past? He walked out of an almost 20 year marriage and three young teens for a job in another state. And he thinks the only thing missing is the girl of his dreams. How do I know he wouldn’t put his job ahead of “us” the way he just did to his family? I don’t see that as something disposable. “Into me” is not enough!

    1. 37.1
      Liv

      That is correct! I agree! Full history of his past is a must. @AQ

  18. 38
    Ted

    Women these days in general that believe some perfect guy is going to fall out of the sky, and “chemistry” is going to let them know that he’s the one instantly.   From there he will always “get her”.   He will talk when he wants to talk, and not talk when she doesn’t.   He’ll understand “what she needs” and basically never have any of his own feelings or opinions to get in the way of her fairy tale.   That’s why women don’t want to put in the effort.   They are far more focused on themselves and getting their feelings taken care of and not into building something on a two-way street.

  19. 39
    daphne

    Put in effort as in email you guys first on Match ? I thought women were not supposed to do that.

    Second, the poster earlier was right, it’s absurd that women insist that the guy be over 5 8.   

  20. 40
    Sypherton

    “Chemistry” (n): Perception bias that separates the “Guys Perceived As Frogs Until They Prove Themselves To Be Princes If You Give Them The Necessary Time At All” from “Guys Perceived As Princes Until They Prove Themselves To Be Frogs, Which Is Again Only A Matter Of Time Which In This Case You Will Give Them Unconditionally From The Get-Go”.
    P.S.: Evan, I love your website and the general direction you’re pulling your audience towards. Keep up the good work!

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