Where You Can Meet Tall, Dark, Handsome, Smart, Sexy, Relationship-Oriented Men

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First of all, I just want to thank you for being a regular blog reader.

I know that these posts are sometimes provocative (in both good and bad ways), but I greatly appreciate your readership and am always trying to figure out how to do a better job.

Since starting this blog in 2007, I’ve answered hundreds of your questions, clarified my thinking about dating and relationships, and — somehow, some way — became a husband and a father. Hard to believe that this was the same blog that was once called “Advice From a Single Dating Expert,” but, well, there you have it.

We live. We learn.

And in case you didn’t know, most of what I do as a dating coach does NOT take place on this blog. It takes place on my weekly newsletter, which comes out on Tuesdays. Last week, I sent out a survey to my subscribers, just to hear what their most pressing questions were about men and relationships.

The response was overwhelming.

Over 1300 women took the time to fill out my survey last week. What became abundantly clear after, oh, the first 954 responses, was that you’re craving more information, more clarity, more POWER over your own love life.

The #1 thing you want from me — by far – is how to understand men.

That wasn’t a big surprise.

After all, if men were easier to figure out, you’d already be in a healthy relationship, and I’d probably be out of a job.

I’m kidding, of course, but I’m very sympathetic to your frustrations and have made it my top priority to focus my energies on helping you “get” what makes men tick and how you can make better choices with your partners.

Surprising (to me, anyway) was that the second most-important thing to you was “meeting men in real life”. Here’s a sampling of some of your questions:

  • Where do you go to meet real men?
  • Where are the real men after age 50?
  • Where and how do I meet real available men that are close to my age (59)?
  • Where can I meet men in the suburbs?
  • Where do you meet men besides on-line and bars?
  • How can I meet quality men in real life, when my life is so busy?
  • Where do attractive, successful 46 year old divorced women meet men who are 41-50 aside from on-line, a bar and a gym? Where do guys who are divorced, or successful go? Seems like sophisticated guys go to their club or their boat or places we cannot find them? How can we locate our equals? Just want to find them! I can do the rest if I meet anyone similar to me professionally. Want to meet CEO or C level as that is my level…

Personally, I don’t know the difference between the “real man” of which these women speak and a “fake man”, but I am hearing an outcry for the one place that you can go to meet the man of your dreams.

And I was about to supply a few brilliant options, until I read this response:

  • I would love for someone (you?) to stop giving pat answers to “where can I meet a great guy?” like, “join a club!” or “try meetup.com!” or “volunteer!” There has to be other ways, and I feel like every dating expert gives these exact answers every time. I guess I would want you to get a little granular and give more LA-centric answers, because really, LA is different from anywhere else when it comes to dating!

I see.

Out of all the free stuff I offer to you, my next endeavor should be to build a tool so that any woman in any city can plug in her ZIP code and the search engine would spit out the local spot where all the tall, dark, handsome, sophisticated, quality, “real” men are hanging out and giving each other secret handshakes?
Seriously?

There’s no bar or store or city or dating site that has managed to weed out all the losers, liars, chumps and dweebs, thereby preserving only the cream of the crop for your choosing.

Let’s flip this around for a second.

What if a smart, kind, funny, honest, successful man told you that he had a very important question for you that he needs to understand about women.

“So, where do all the young, thin, sexy, witty, optimistic, confident, understanding, self-aware women hang out? There has to be a place because I can’t seem to find a “real” woman who is my equal ANYWHERE!”

What would you say to this poor guy?

“In your dreams.”

“Have you tried Home Depot?”

“I hear some porn stars in the Valley are really sweet.”

“You can hang out in a yoga retreat but most women find it creepy if you hit on them there.”

You know what I’d say to him?

“You’re asking the wrong question.”

There is no one place where all the “quality” women or men hang out.

There’s no bar or store or city or dating site that has managed to weed out all the losers, liars, chumps and dweebs, thereby preserving only the cream of the crop for your choosing.

Quality men are EVERYWHERE. They’re just mixed in with all the rest of the guys out there.

Quality men drive to work.

Quality men play golf and watch football on weekends.

Quality men work 50 hours a week.

But unless you’re going to hitchhike for guys, crash his golf foursome, break into his house or stalk him in his office, you’re simply not meeting him in real life.

You’ve been waiting forever to meet him in real life. Hasn’t happened.

Which is why asking for the location of quality men is the wrong question.

When I said I want to provide advice to you on “meeting men in real life”, it’s not about WHERE you meet them…

It’s about this: “Who am I being that will attract the right kind of man?”

“Who am I being that will attract the right kind of man?”

Put another way, quality men don’t run around asking, “where are all the quality women?”

A quality man puts himself online, he smiles at strangers, he’s friendly at parties, and eventually, he meets women.

Some are great. Some aren’t. That’s the way it goes.

Same goes for you.

So while I’m excited to offer you more coaching and guide you through the dating process, let me make things very clear: don’t waste your time worrying about “where” he is. Worry about what you can control: who are you BEING that will make a guy want to ask you out and fall in love with you wherever you go.

I may joke about some things, but I take this responsibility very seriously.

After reading through every single one of your insightful, heartfelt questions on my survey, all I can say is that I’m honored you trust me with your heart.

I may be a guy, but it’s hard to listen to you and not feel sympathy, as you continually put yourself in harms way and feel like there’s no way to protect yourself.

Although I can’t promise that I will answer all of your questions in my new offering, I assure you that I’m digesting everything you gave me.
If you haven’t yet had your say in my survey (or listened to my free bonus interview that you get at the end), please click here to share your thoughts:

And if you didn’t fill out the survey, you don’t yet know about the exclusive list you can sign up for to receive special notifications about my new offering later this month. Please take a moment to complete the survey and sign up so you don’t miss out on what I’ve got in store for you…

http://web.archive.org/web/20120102105138/http://www.surveygizmo.com:80/s3/620891/Help-Me-Help-You

Thanks again for your kindness and generosity.

I very much hope I can repay you in some way very soon.

Warmest wishes and much love.

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Trixie

    Women may have a preference for tall men but do they all insist on it?   Some do  and some don’t.   It is not absurd to have preferences both men and women do.    

    I would say many men also have  their expectations too high  and women are not the only ones with the “instant chemistry thing.”
        

  2. 42
    Goldie

    @ Stacy #36:
      
    “The point I am trying to  get across is that highly successful men as defined by some of Evan’s readers do not hang out with the “general population”.
      
    I don’t get it. If they don’t want to be around us, then why should we jump through hoops to position ourselves around them – faking a dead blackberry, etc?
      
    Maybe it’s just me. I have never felt any connection to the Fortune-500-upper-management type. Actually, knowing how much politics and backstabbing they have to engage in just to stay where they are/keep moving up, I frankly find these guys pretty repulsive. I’d take an “office plankton” equal over any of them anytime.

  3. 43
    Jennifer

    as a girl who is 5’7, I do not feel badly about rejecting profiles from guys who claim they are 5’7 or 5’8.   They usually are not.   I feel very uncomfortable being taller than my date.  
      

  4. 44
    Stacy

    Goldie #43

    So then you shouldn’t have a problem finding what you want. I was mostly baffled by the question “where do I meet c-level men” that one of Evan’s readers asked.

    On shorter guys – don’t even get me started. Dating a guy who’s shorter than you (or not sufficiently taller to allow for high heels) could be nightmarish. Me, being open minded and all, I dated one alright. And in addition to a whole bunch of insecurities rooted in it, had to justify wearing high heels every freaking time. Yeah, that guy definitely wanted me barefoot as it was the only way he could be slightly taller than me. Disaster!

  5. 45
    Sayanta

    Stacy-

    Lol- I don’t watch tv. Nice try though. At the same time, I don’t live in a cave, so I can use the Mad Men ref just by being out in the world and talking to people.

    I’ve worked at big law firms, and the associates and partners would occasionally lunch at BP. Because they want to enjoy a nice day in the park just like everyone else. So since you’re so confident about who goes in and out of BP, I assume you’ve talked to each and every male who’s been in and out the park over the years? Good job

  6. 46
    Goldie

    Have to agree with Jennifer #44 – I used to joke at one point that 5’8″ is Matchspeak for 5’4″! As a woman who’s really, truly between 5’8″ and 5’9″, I find it tough, not even on me, but on the guy. What’s the point in calling me and telling me “oh we’re the same height” when we meet face-to-face a few days later and you’re actually at my chest level? I’m fine with that, as long as the guy is smart, funny, and minimally cute – but I’m not sure if the guy is.
      
    That said, I’ve met a few people lately whose profile says 5’7″ or 5’8″, and they actually are. Had no problems hanging out with them at all. They’re confident guys who have no hangups about their or my height, and that, in my book, is more important than how tall they are. They all say they’re fine with me wearing heels, BTW.

  7. 47
    Tracey

    I couldn’t agree more with everything you wrote! I tell everyone that you can meet someone great wherever you are.   There is no shortage of single men, it’s just a matter of being open, ready and available for the right man.

  8. 48
    saint stephen

    Ladies do you want to know where you can meet the tall, dark, handsome, smart, sexy, successful men as described by this post? “Hollywood is the answer” if that’s the kind of men u’re looking for, then that’s where you can meet a whole bunch of them hiding.

    Since i have just told you the truth Evan was concealing, why don’t you ladies hurry up and go claim the man of your dreams before someone else beats you to it?
    and please after you do, come back and share with us your own 20th-century  Cinderella love story, i’m sure we are all tired of the  ancient one (and they both lived happily ever after).    

  9. 49
    Sayanta

    Saint Stephen-

    Well, there’s Kate and William for your 21st century Cinderella story.   

  10. 50
    jack

    I wonder why some of these women don’t ask Evan what convenience store sells all the winning lottery tickets.
      
    What is interesting to me is that there are so many women who believe that they should get an above-average man when they themselves are probably average.
      
    A good, stiff dose of humility is my prescription for at least 60% of American Women who have been thoroughly brainwashed by movies and TV to expect ridiculous levels of entitlement.
      
    Average male height is 5’9″. That means that half of you ladies are going to have to accept either NO GUY, or a guy shorter than average.
      
    Oh, but really tall guys make you feel petite and feminine?
      
    Okay, well girls with a perfect chest/waist/hip ratio make me feel masculine. Pardon me while I reject you for your slightly thicker middle. Or those soccer-player thighs. And how dare you cheat a tall man, who will ALWAYS remain tall, even if you won’t keep your shape forever?
      
    The only reason a 5’2″ woman needs a 6′ guy is pure, unadulterated pride. Of the “pride-goeth-before-a-fall” type.
      
    It is amazing how many women with a thicker-than-average butt, a bigger-than-average nose, a squarer-than-average jaw, demand a taller-than-average guy. Oh, the pain of desire…. life is cruel indeed.
      
    Now, right about now, some gal is firing up her keyboard to start with the shaming language, calling me a loser, bitter, whatever. Heard it all before, ladies. Save your fingers. I’ve been called that a million times before, and you are unlikely to do it in a way that gets to me. Give it a try, though, if you like – you could be the first!!!
      
    Anyway, on behalf of all men everywhere, I would like to apologize for the fact that we are not all 6’3″, rich, and famous. We tried. Really. Stay single, though, please. Don’t settle for us. Ever. Better to die alone than to compromise even one element of the perfection to which you are entitled.
      
      
      
      

  11. 51
    jack

    On shorter guys — don’t even get me started. Dating a guy who’s shorter than you (or not sufficiently taller to allow for high heels) could be nightmarish.
      
    This is the narcissistic American Woman’s idea of a nightmare.
    Ever been to Haiti, princess? I have. Those people live in a nightmare.
      
    You should be grateful that you live in such a safe, prosperous, wonderful nation that you could even equate such a teenage fashion sensibility to an actual nightmare.
      
    What a shallow, narcissistic, adolescent thought. You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m ashamed to be from the same country as you.

  12. 52
    Gem

    I’m 5’8″.  Six foot in heels. I’ve dated men my own height and had no problem with it, but it was them who would steer me toward flats. There are just some dresses and outfits that look better in heels and I LOVE heels. I don’t have a problem being 3-4 inches taller than my partner (In heels) but the few men I’ve dated shorter than me sure did.

    I do avoid profiles now because of that. I search for men at a  minimum of 5’10” and event then, I’ll be an inch or so taller in heels. I just don’t see many profiles (with my search criteria) where the man is 5’11” or taller so I set my searches for 5’10” and hope for the best (because 5’10” may be 5’9″ IRL)…

  13. 53
    Stacy

    jack #52

    I am an immigrant. So nice try. I am glad you have been to Haiti. I actually lived in a place kinda like that. Uhm… still want a guy taller than me!

  14. 54
    Erinlee

    @Jack     Are you really short or something?   I don’t understand why a woman wanting to date a man taller than her is such a big deal.   You want to date a women who has a perfect chest/waist/hip ratio then go for it. Everyone has qualities they look for in a partner, some of those being physical.   Do I prefer to date taller men?   Definitely I do, this is one of my physical ‘likes’.   I don’t think you can say it’s just women who feel entitled to more than they are actually entitled to, I think that is a human flaw in general, it can’t specifically be linked to one or the other  of the sexes.    How do we determine what someone  is entitled to when it comes to dating?   I don’t think we can.   People are too complex  for this.   I’d say all you can do is be honest with yourself  about what you want and what YOU think you deserve, and go out and try to find it.     Whose to tell me I can’t have what I want?    Jack, whose to tell you that YOU can’t have what you want?   If you think it’s feasible, go for it.   If you meet someone who can fill  all those qualities and you’re  everything she needs too, then that’s awesome.    It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.   So yes, I tend to only date men who are taller than me, what’s it to you?   I’m brunette, I wonder if I’ve been looked over before because I’m not blonde or because my chest isn’t big enough.   Who cares?   I sure as hell don’t.   Like you said Jack, who wants someone to settle for them?   Not me.   So let’s lay off the girls who like to date tall guys, mmkay?   Go find some women  that don’t have that as  part of their dating criteria.

  15. 55
    Collector

    Jack,
    Thanks for mentioning the circumstance of reality. I feel like so many women regularly and convieniently manage to overlook that. Yeah, it’s called the truth.

  16. 56
    jack

    I find men who insist on large breasts to be every bit as immature and repulsive as women who are 5’2″ and insist on men over 6′.
      
    Both are shallow, and are willing to forgo someone of possibly high quality in order to fulfill a meaningless physical trait that one should stop caring about after they turn 18.
    Seriously, it is discouraging to listen to women approaching 40 prattle on about such trifles even as their own dating potential drains away.
      
    The really sick part of this is the toxic overestimation that these women place on themselves. If you could get such a man, you would already have such a man. They have selected OTHER women, not you. They are not single, you will not find them. They are dating younger, prettier, and sweeter girls.
    Women who are obsessed with such superficial attributes are actually just insecure children who are seeking a quick-fix for their deep insecurity. It is easier to keep hoping to win the dating lottery than it is to do the necessary renovations to their egos and perform a realistic self-assessment.
      
    Anyway, the math of the situation does not lie. tall, wealthy handsome guys are very, very rare. Therefore, the vast majority of women who desire that will NEVER get it. Ever. A few will luck out. The rest will rage about the lack of “quality men”.
      
    The problem with “settling” on great guy who is “only” 5’9″ is that the blow to the pride is too great. They have convinced themselves that they are worth more, and like an overpriced house, sit on the market for years, drawing eye-rolls and snickers from others.
      
    Including me! Evan may kick me off here for saying this, but I deeply enjoy every comment and anecdote where some picky woman is getting her karma by winding up alone. It is nature’s way of keeping balance.
      
    Stacy:
    Then I am sorry to see how quickly the US has corrupted your priorities. We have a way of doing that.
      
      

  17. 57
    Helen

    Evan, that’s a sweet post. Thank YOU for all your advice and for entertaining us readers of all backgrounds, including already happily-married lurkers like me looking for good advice to give our searching sibs, in-laws, and friends of both sexes.
      
    I don’t think the question is really where the good men are. You’re right that they are everywhere. The problem is more the ratio of single women to single men. I just commented on another of your posts about that, and will generalize it here: If being in a relationship is your top priority, e.g., over a job, and you’re in a place where the sex ratio is seriously skewed against you, then you might consider moving elsewhere. This may not even mean a different geographical location, although that’s a possibility. It could mean changing fields: moving from sciences to arts, or vice versa, in jobs and hobbies.
      
    While I agree with Stacy that work is a great place to find mates (Goldie, dating in the workplace can be handled maturely and without drama, although you’re right that it can also implode), the use of such phrases as “office plankton” and “real people” strikes me as distasteful. (Who are all the unreal people? Martians? Sayanta, you’d better watch out…) Talk about dehumanizing others. It will be all the other qualities that aren’t apparent from office rank that will endear you to another, and make a relationship last in the long run. Not job status.
      

  18. 58
    jack

    Wow.
      
    I missed stacy’s plankton comment. Her attitude is even worse than i thought.
      
    This is just basic elitism, founded in deep insecurity. The truth is, most people are average. However, it is striking how many average people cannot handle that fact.
      
    Let’s face a simple truth. The vast majority of truly attractive women in this world will not be reading or commenting on a dating coach’s blog. They are already in demand and are not likely to seek out dating help. Exceptions? Possibly.
      
    But the majority of women here are probably average, and there is NOTHING WRONG with average. Unless you have a problem being average, of course. I’m average, and comfortable with that fact.
      
    And yet, these women want a man that is notably above average, and above average in multiple areas. Taller, wealthier, more intelligent, etc.
      
    And yet, they have only their average selves to offer in return. This creates a “no quality men” attitude among the average women. The most attractive women have no problem getting high-quality men. None at all.
      
    The average women, in the spirit of adolescent competition, seek to acquire a man of the same “quality” as women who are much, much more attractive than they are. This is in an attempt to validate themselves as above average.
      
    And this is because despite all the talk of “strong, independent women”, women still compete between themselves over who gets the most desirable man. And this strikes to the core of why women are obsessed with height.
      
    When a girl who is 5’4″ insists on a man over 6′, she will often give the reason of “feeling safe and protected”. She is lying to you, and perhaps even herself when she says this. Protected against what? Three guys with guns in a dark alley? The extra 6″ won’t do you much good there.
      
    The real thing she feels “protected” against is feeling as though she got a man that is inferior to her girlfriend’s 6′ tall guy. There are plenty of 5’6″ guys who can kick a 6′ guy’s rear end. So the “protection” thing is crap.
      
    Please understand…. I am NOT HERE to try and talk these shallow women into changing their ways. Because that would lead to them “settling” and making some poor guy miserable. I am here to point out why so many women are crying and moaning about a lack of quality men, and how it is their toxic sense of entitlement and tendency to think of men as some sort of consumer product that they acquire to boost their image in the eyes of their female friends.
      
    The truth is that these women are not quality women. The problem is that there are far too many of them. Shallow, petty, competitive and narcissistic. And in truth, incapable of loving anyone but themselves. And not even that in many cases.
      
    I’d say good luck, but it is too late for most of them already. See you at the old folk’s home.

  19. 59
    Erinlee

    @Jack, again . . .
           You seem to have a very angry tone when I read your posts and I’m not quite sure why.   I’m thinking that all of these ‘stuck up’ women who think they deserve better than what they are worth, are overlooking men like you.   It’s probably not for your height though, it may be for your attitude.  
           Why does being attracted to tall men make me shallow?   I hardly think that my physical preference for tall men makes me shallow.   I’m not willing to even entertain the idea.   Surely, if I was shallow, someone by now would have told me so to my face, in my 26 years of life.   5’9″ers just don’t do it for me, what do you want me to say?   Men may be more so, but women are visual creatures too, and I want a man who gets me excited when I see him.  
             I can agree with you that going for someone because of their wealth is a bit over the top.   But hey, it’s not important to me, so I guess it’s easy for me to say that.   Just because it doesn’t work for me doesn’t mean others feel the same way.   You do have to have something to get something though, so if you’re searching for a rich or incredibly handsome man you’d better be what he wants too, or you’re SOL.   Also, you’re being so sassy about how women are STILL single because all the good guys chose other women, like you’re trying to imply that the  women that are still single just ‘aren’t worth it’ or not good enough.   Chill out, there are good and bad single women and men, not EVERYONE decent is taken.  
           Lastly, liking tall sexy men has NOTHING to do with my pride.   My pride is correlated to how I present myself as a person, how I treat others, how I  maintain relationships with friends, family and SO,  as well as  accomplishing  the goals in my life.   When it comes to a relationship, hell yes my man makes me proud, shouldn’t he?   And yes, he is TALL and HANDSOME :o)   That’s not why I’m proud of him though.   I’m proud of him because he’s a great person and works his butt off to make me happy.   I’m proud to stand by his side because of his morals and integrity.   If he didn’t have those wonderful qualities I would not be able to be proud of him, and therefore, would not date him.   It wouldn’t matter how tall or sexy he was . . .

  20. 60
    Helen

    I actually find many of jack’s points reasonable, even if his tone is angry (which is an unfortunate distraction because of many of his points ARE good).   What I see here is a mismatch in men’s and women’s understanding of what makes a quality woman and a quality man.
      
    As Evan and other men have written before, many of the qualities that we women think make us spectacular, and therefore deserving of the top men, are not qualities that men consider all that important: being sophisticated, having multiple degrees, having traveled all over the world, being top-ranked in one’s career, being rich, dressing in the latest fashions. But we women think these are traits we should develop to increase our mating success, because that’s what we look for in men. And we think, if we have them, then of course we deserve any man of our choosing.
      
    But based on my own observations, men are a lot simpler than that (not in a bad way). They’re just happy if YOU’RE happy and not too much of a pain in the neck. Being warm and attractive also helps. Beyond that? Depends on the individual guy. Many guys don’t seem to require much more.
      
    Then when it comes to quality guys: it seems that several men who post here resent that women value education and steady and/or well-paying jobs in men. That is part of our definition of a quality guy. As individual women, we also all want different things. Some women value handsomeness and richness and height (I don’t). Some value kindness and willingness to share in household work (I do).
      
    What seems to be driving much of the bickering in these posts is that people feel that they deserve success in love, because they themselves have qualities that they value in others – without understanding that the opposite sex may want something different.   I remember Karl R going off on Sayanta because she said she wanted a guy who completed college, and thought to myself that sure, he could be upset with that, but he’d better understand that 99% of women want the same thing. Likewise, we women could spend less time congratulating ourselves for various accomplishments and work on developing the traits that men find attractive, if the goal is a LTR.

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