Why Do Men Pull Away From Relationships?

I’m still sifting through the hundreds of responses that you gave me on yesterday’s survey:

In case you didn’t know, all I asked was this: What is the most important question you have about relationships that you’d like me to address in my new eBook? Next thing I knew, I was flooded with questions like this:

Why can dating be so difficult for educated, career oriented women in their 40’s?

What makes a man want to commit and stay committed to a relationship?

Why do men act like they like you and then when you express how you feel about them, they disappear?

What makes men run away from a relationship when you start asking where things are going??

Why do YOU think men pull away from women and committed relationships?

I don’t understand the guys that come on super strong over the course of a couple weeks, and then, all of a sudden, say that they are “not ready for a relationship.” If my behavior hasn’t changed (e.g. they are the one pursuing me), what has changed in their heads?

Why is it that men have follow-through issues? The first date goes well and then there is nothing.

Why do they pull away when things get serious?

I would like to know what to do to get a man really interested and how to continue to hold his interest so he doesn’t pull a disappearing act.

Why don’t men seem as interested in long term relationships as women are?

I’m not kidding when I tell you that I’ve got SCORES of these questions – slight variations on the same exact theme. So, my brilliant readers, since you have strong opinions on all things pertaining to dating and relationships, I’d love to hear from you:

Why do YOU think men pull away from women and committed relationships?

I know it’s a broad question, but I really want to hear what you have to say! Both women AND men, please…

Join our conversation (318 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 151
    Karl R

    LR asked: (#151)
    “What about just teaching men to be honest and to not be cowards?”

    You seem to be under the impression that if Evan starts teaching men these lessons, your dating experience will improve. It doesn’t work out that way.

    As a man, I have gained no benefit from anything a woman has learned from Evan. None of my dates had read his books, read his blog, read his articles or used his dating coaching services. None of my girlfriends had. My fiancée hasn’t. I’ve successfully found a fiancée without ever dating someone else who learned anything from Evan.

    Evan has been teaching thousands (tens of thousands?) of women, but they’re not part of my dating pool.

    If Evan starts teaching men to be honest (and not cowardly), you will see no change in the men you’re dating. Those men will be so thinly spread throughout the population that you are unlikely to encounter any of them.

    I benefited from Evan’s advice because I read what he said to women, figured out how it applied to men, and then personally applied it to my dating life.

    If your dating strategy hinges on someone else becoming better at dating/relationships, it’s going to fail. Fortunately, you can make dating work just by changing yourself.

  2. 152

    1-) The legal system is biased towards females.
    2-) The legal system is biased towards females.
    3-) The injustice system of the U.S. is biased towards females.

  3. 153

    What it seems like is they just want the comforts/benefits of marriage, without the responsibilities & investments in a nutshell. If they can’t continue having someone on call when they want it available, they go somewhere else.

  4. 154

    Nora #156
    “If they can’t continue having someone on call when they want it available, they go somewhere else.”
    And the MARRIED people who can’t get it from their spouse when they want it…. what should they do?
    And when a man pulls away from a relationship, what does the girl do? Frequently, tries harder – which usually means more sex, and more ‘special’ sex. Additionally, a women that sees another woman in the picture, will also try harder. Yes, the man is smart like a fox!

    1. 154.1
      Karmic Equation

      So true, John.
      Women need to continue to mirror throughout a relationship. When men start pulling away, she needs to either stand firm as she is and also start to pull away, imo.
      The unfortunate part of women behaving as you stated, is that the UNINTENDED result of such behavior is REWARDING men for pulling away, which teaches them what? That pulling away from a woman gives them special benefits.
      When women start understanding how to give positive reinforcement to positive behaviors instead of rewarding negative behaviors, she will be rewarded with positive behaviors.

      1. 154.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Edit please?
        …AND also start to pull away, imo
        should read
        …OR start to pull away herself, imo

      2. 154.1.2

        So true, Karmic Equation. I really think many pple would be amazed at how much easier their lives would be if they took a few courses in psychology. 

        Although personally I believe that if u’re simply a decent human being, and u meet a member of the opposite sex u’re compatible with, u shouldn’t need to be a psych expert to make that relationship work. But for people who struggle with relationships, learning more about how the human mind works could be very very helpful. Or at least regularly put yourself in the other person’s shoes and see it from their perspective–that sounds easy and yet so many pple don’t do it! Which is why u get women “rewarding” men for pulling away, as u put it.  

        Actually I recently have been dating someone who I thought seemed to be slightly cooling in interest towards me, and it hurt. But my instinct was certainly NOT to jump into bed with him–quite the opposite! I forced myself to stay cool. Well we just had an amazing date yesterday, and at the end of the date he was eagerly making plans to meet up again soon (the way he’d behaved before suddenly seeming more distant). I’m reminding myself not to get my hopes up and date around though. 🙂

  5. 155

    IMO I think it’s because something reminds him of his past relationship(s) that he hated.  He feels like he’s walking the same path, different package.  I’ve known many men and when they pull back I can hear them saying in their heads “Not this again”. I’ve heard it from lovers myself and yes I’ve lost out as a reproduction of his past. The past that he promised himself he will never revisit again, ever! It does seem so unfair and that is why it is important to inquire about their past relationships and if they have any ill feels they are dealing with.  Sure there will be carry on luggage in our lives, but coping is one thing, dealing with it is another, healing it being the main objective.  I’m dating a man now with zero pain from his past relationship, I will never hear him say to me “you’re just like her” It’s refreshing when a man comes with a clean heart.  On the other hand I’ve had a sad, mad man who was ill prepared for any disagreements I had with him because I was “THE EX” god forbid, he never really knew me at all.  Then there is the PUSH, women who get the “Don’t push me” are dealing with someone who is terrified of their emotions and their past, whether it’s anger or grief or both.  This is a volatile man, please don’t take him personally, do take him seriously, he’s in mental pain.  But it is not something you can or have to try to fix, he needs time and professional help.  He will also most guaranteed break your heart in indecision, but that is your choice again and we must all be responsible for our choices.  If you recognize it keep your cards close to your chest.  It’s likely going to take off only to crash land.  It’s difficult for women to understand a man in pain because they don’t show it and women rarely think of a man with heartbreak or mental issues because we’re so use to them hiding it or we expect them not to have any issues because we’ve coined them as “self righteous, narcissistic bastards.”  So unfair, they are someone’s sons after all.  However, don’t play mother to a man who is pulling away from your threatening push.  Your push could be as simple as an extra hour with him.  It’s not us so much ladies as a man who is still stunned in grief and regret and numb to what’s infront of his eyes.  Be understanding but do not become delusional, he is not yours and that is ok, you do not want him in this state.  Also remember a man who is in pain or down on himself or in therapy or missing an ex will always and I say ALWAYS ! leave any women who has seen him in this state.  Find a man who likes his life, himself and is content, this is the man who will be there for you.  This is the man who sees exactly what’s infront of his face, he has dealt with his past, he lives in the now and he sees a future, this is the man all woman healthy women want.  A clean heart a clean shirt and a fresh outlook.  Long live the contented man, we love them, we need them and yes they are everywhere.  Best wishes to you women and also to those men living in the past best of luck to you also, may you find sanctuary and peace.

  6. 156

    It’s about the chase, men are hunters period. ANything to “get” you then game over.  Too much work for emotions and blah blah.  Most men that want relationships and commitment/marriage go straight for it are unwavering.  Most men especially in my age range over 44 like to just have convience and fun and are not looking for an actual monogomous relationship they pull back because they want “options” loss of their freedom is NOT an option. Sexual variety and the constant need to validation and the “chase” is what drives men also, having an “easy” relationship with someone who doesnt rock the boat ask too much allows him his space works around his issues and life is best cause then your easier to have his cake and eat it too. In my opinion there are great wnderful men who ARE looking for relationships, I believe as an older woman that amount significantly decreases and either way the total amount of relationship men available are VERY VERY few relative to the amount of women, its like a lottery. you are lucky if you can find a good one.

  7. 157

    i believe a woman shall show a man from the beginning that she is not a plaything, that she has standards, and she commands respect, she must not be hesitant to ask him what are his short term plans after a month or two of dating, so she can know if he a keeper or not. 

  8. 158

    Thrill of the chase.  Once they know you want them, they’re off to play a new game.

  9. 159

    Who knows why any particular man pulls away or disappears.   I don’t think there is one stock answer.  There are as many reasons for why they do so as there are men who do it.  The one consistent trait is that they are cowards.  

    I dated a man, who came on strong at first.  I did all of the mirroring techniques that Evan suggests in his book.  The fact that we lived 30 minutes away from each other made it easier for me to not be available to him.   Both of us have children.  I have two teenagers and he has a teenaged son.  He constantly complained about our not being able to see each other, but every time we had plans to be together, he canceled.  He consistently told me that he loved me, I was the best person ever, etc., etc., etc.  The problems he had were all about  him.  He had problems with the disparities in our educations, salaries, home and cars.  None of this had any bearing to me, but he was festering inside and one day actually told me that it bothered him that I was so highly educated.  I almost dropped to the floor.  Despite that comment, he still claimed that I was the “one.”   After making plans and canceled again, I told him that was it.  He said that we should just break up.  A few days later he texted me that he missed me and was so sad without me.  Did I forget to mention that all of his communication was done by text?  I later learned that he left his son’s mother,with whom he lived with for ten years,  in the middle of the night.  She had no idea the break up was coming and that he had actually bought a house to move into without her knowledge.  Need I say more?

    Then I dated a man who on our second date admitted to having been married twice.  He divorced wife #1.  Wife #2 left him.  He also admitted to having embezzeled money from his former employer which lead to his being fired and blackballed from his professional industry.  In also filed bankruptcy.  While I sort of cringed at his history, I admired his honesty.  He also said he has spent the last four years in therapy and working on his issues.  There was not a connection on my end, but I respected the second guy a whole lot more and I feel confident that he will make the right woman really happy.

    Ladies, men who disappear and pull away are cowards.  Trust me when I say that you are not the first or last woman they will do that to.  If they are over 35, it may just be their MO.  If they are 50+ and neve been married (especially if they have children and never married the mother of the childre)— run the other way.  They are either emotionally unavailable,or commitment phobic or players.  


  10. 160

    I had a vanishing act happen to me recently. He met me 2/3 (not too sure on the timeline) months after he’d broken up with the girlfriend he was living with. Never told me about this initially because he said he “didn’t want to scare me”. I’m an only child and as such I’m not needy (have been told this) and can give people space if they need it … I “mirrored” for about a month and then slowly let my “shy” walls down, got the “we’re gonna be a couple you know” from him (he brought that up), got a million “I like yous”, the “it’s ok, waiting for sex makes things interesting”, “you’re flawless”, etc. etc. … then I displayed genuine interest and he faded away. It hurt. He really hurt me even though it wasn’t a “defined long relationship” I wish he knew this, but I will never tell him. I never nagged or asked why, realizing that he probably needs this time alone to deal with moving house, school etc … I tried/am trying my best to be empathetic about it seeing as it probably takes more than 2 months to let go of his past relationship.

    Disappearing was cowardly, and this was a blessing in disguise. I never thought this far into the future at the time but now I think … what if I had had children with this guy and then one day he disappears!?! Gosh, how would I feel then! I suppose sometimes I can shy away from intimacy, which I expressed but the only real thing I regret was not asking him about   why he thought telling me about the ex would scare me, and asking if he was truly past it. I cannot hold any ill will cause that’ll only work to my detriment. Not everyone is the same. Just looking around made me realize there are all kinds of gorgeous generous worthy fellas, and although I may not be quite ready right now, in time it’ll work out. Someone somewhere out there will be on my wavelength! Hope springs eternal, and thank God for that.

    Men are a mystery to me as I’m sure women are to them. I do not think there is a set formula for success, but I think honesty is key. Men + women stringing someone along for your own selfish ends/needs is deplorable. Going forward I’m going to ask potential partners questions, all kinds of questions! I cannot know what you’re thinking until I ask … I’m tired of the guess work and the stress that comes along when (women especially) try to fit the pieces together without knowing what the full picture looks like.

    Hopefully that all made sense.

  11. 161

    I dont know how old this tread it but Mel my relationship started like that.  He was so sure he wanted a relationship. I was very wary at first because he hadnt been single long. But he went full throttle and we got on so well…. Then bang he ended it after 6 weeks saying i quote  he doesnt want anything permanent atm and if he feels its getting that way he gets cold feet, thats the way he can only explain it!!!  i didnt even think that far ahead. So what happened there??? im still at a loss to why and feeling hurt because he said i could txt and keep in touch and when i did he replied a few days later. I txt twice in a week and it took him a day to reply. I honestly feel used… Is that an explanation of his feelings just to ditch me after he was the one that was so sure he wanted this and then basically forget about me and my feelings… even if it was bad timing for him we could have been friends.  Ive never felt so sad…..

  12. 162

    I believe it all boils down to the fact that men simply just take relationships much more seriously than women. Regardless if the man is a commitment phobe or a man wanting a happy family to live happily forever after with, most men take relationships very seriously because they really care who they ultimately end up with, because they DO want relationships, and DO want to end up with the woman they love. And thus they are far less likely to settle with somebody who does not make them feel good about themselves. Men just don’t want to commit to Mrs. Wrong because ending up with Mrs. Right is so much more important to them in the end. And I honestly think that is actually quite admirable.
    And although I think there are far less of this type, I think another reason a man might disappear, is because the male gender actually take breakups a lot harder than women do (especially if they were the ones dumped). They have less of a support system and aren’t supposed to show emotion. Instead they will repress it and end up doing things that many women might take as not caring, when in fact, they do care, and it probably sucks much more for them. So this is another reason men take having a “real” relationship so much more seriously. They don’t want to commit and invest into a woman who may later break their heart. So men are constantly testing us and trying to determine not only whether we are a good match to become Mrs. Right, but also whether we will be kind to their fragile hearts.
    So in my observations, the most common reason they bail are either because – they think you aren’t the one, or they are scared you will think they aren’t the one.
    I have no answers as to why men place so much more value on relationships than women, but I don’t question it. I have just learned that you have to deal with this fact. If we put our best face forward, and they still disappear, then time to gracefully take our exit and say nice knowing you, because it just wasn’t meant to be. If this happens, I always try to at least take a positive lesson from it so I can be better prepared for the next time around.
    An old man once told me this: A man will move mountains to be with the woman he loves. I believe that is true. If he is Mr. Right, nothing will stand in his way to him and his girl. I haven’t found my partner in crime yet, but I do know I keep getting closer. I know if women remain positive, and learn from past mistakes, I know some day, the right guy will come around.
    As for how to get the right guy to move mountains for us, well, I will refer that back to the dating coach. After all he’s the professional.

  13. 163

    Why men pull away in relationships – especially when things are going good does seem to be a mystery sometimes. But I think there are really many reasons that contribute to it, which I even recently discovered brain chemistry. It is important learn the differences in how men and women are wired differently to help get understanding and avoid getting offended and making things worse.

  14. 164

    Good lord I opened this site and read from all the girls comments here (though I haven’t finished reading every single comment).

    I’m SOOO glad I read Charlotte’s comment #2 cause it was EXACTLY like the one I’m dealing right now. Only the difference is, I haven’t asked something to him to put a CLOSURE on this thing.

    See, I’ve been going out with this guy for, mm.. 1.5 months. And that’s how long I’ve known him also. Mistake? Yes it is obviously a mistake. Cause the second date I already had ‘fun’ with him, though I never had sex with him until now *THANK GOD!

    He’s a really upfront/blunt person. So he kinda assured me that he’s NOT playing games, we’re not high school teenager anymore, bla bla bla..

    Part of me was still cautious, but also kinda “saw” a hope in him. I THOUGHT this time I wouldn’t need to pretend that I wasn’t really into him. So, instead, I told him that “I really like you and I’m afraid things won’t go well”

    OMG now I realized that I did a completely WRONG action. I felt I was secured enough to tell him that. He was super nice even 2 weeks after that but then just slowly pulling away..

    I was still hoping that HE could be serious with me, so instead of playing cool, I showed him how much I want to spend time with him.

    I guess I did the same things that most woman would probably do, chasing him a little bit, until my friends beg me NOT TO.

    See, we girls tend to do something based on our feelings which most likely is a WRONG thing to do. I read and read and ask other people and come to conclusion: if 99% people said so, it can’t be wrong. So who’s wrong? My feeling!!!

    I’m soooo blessed that I haven’t really make myself looked as a doormat in front of him. I WON’T ask for any closure (despite he’s been out of contact with me for a week now, and before it- we’re really in a GOOD condition), so that it won’t be looked as HE DUMPED ME.

    I don’t think it matters to him anyway.

    So, I just feel I’m blessed enough to learn one more thing from guys 

  15. 165

    I don’t know the answer to this but I’m 40 and rather fed up with the whole thing.  Can’t tell you the number of guys who come on strong, claim up and down that they are serious, I reluctantly believe them, spend time with them, let them do their little mating dance and then poof, suddenly they aren’t looking for anything serious, they just want to be friends, some just disappear, some have told me they were never interested to begin with, one I dated for years and years after he claimed to want to marry me, insisted I buy wedding books to plan the wedding etc etc and then argued with me from dawn till dusk about any plans I had made re the wedding, I finally walked out, a few months later he showed up begging to get back together and I said NO!!!

    I have honestly had enough of all of this.  The problem is is that we play this whole game on the man’s turf.  I don’t know I sort of think the 1950s were better where you were never going to get laid unless you married the girl.  I think we live in a world of too much porn, too much sex out there, and not enough values on love and family and solid relationships or responsibility in those relationships.  and that goes for women too, there are plenty of women who cheat, are gold diggers, etc etc.  

    I think it’s pretty sad that I assume when I meet someone that it will not work out, that he’s just going to play the game and I have to put up with it and likely get hurt over the whole thing and waste a lot of time.   Just not sure it’s worth it.  I went out on a date a while back with a guy who had some female friends in their mid 40s, professionals, he said they had pretty much given up at this point on ever finding anyone because it’s just the same old game over and over and over again…. I tend to agree and am pretty much at that point myself.

  16. 166

    if he comes on strong that,s your early warning.
    someone with good intentions and a moderate level of self awareness will be more careful, considered and move the relationship more slowly. Goes for us too.
    slow doesn’t  mean no progress, ambivalence or not exclusive either. And Don’t date for years and years without marriage.
    im not saying it,s your fault and their behaviour is accepthole but you CAN get what you want if you read the signs and don’t expect some Casanova to come up with the goods. 

  17. 167

    I think when anyone pulls away from a relationship without notice is a coward. The word is “relationship” which means relating to one another in a calm rational manner.

    I think in the beginning of any relationship space should be rewarded.  It is in that space the couple can take a breather and reflect.  

    However, I don’t agree with disappearing without an explanation it’s childless,disrespectful and shows lack of value.

    I’m so tired of hearing about how to be a woman or a man.  I believe just be yourself and enjoy life and the fullness of it. The right man or woman will come your way and love “you” for who “you” are. 

    I personally wouldn’t spend my days trying to figure out someone else’s motivates. Life is too short and beside what is normal behavior? The way I see it we all have a measure of dysfunction. Therefore, there is not a magical script.  God says the greatest gift of all is Love. So embrace it with the realization that rejection is part of the equation. 

    Remember, you can never control another’s behavior or action…you can only control who you are, what you are, and where you are going in life. Never put yourself in the Victim Chair because someone fails to see the beauty within you 🙂

  18. 168

    Agreed Ms. E.  Playing victim is just self sabotaging and will just attract more disappointment, hurt and pain. And yes, we can only control ourselves, not other people.  However, we can either accept or reject certain behavior from other people. 

  19. 169

    Wow! Evan is SO Good! : )

  20. 170

    I met a fantastic gentleman online 3 weeks ago, which frankly  I’m not accustomed to this type of dating and feel anxious about it.  We’ve gone out on several dates which have lasted several hours (even up to 8hrs, initiated mostly by him) and he’s driven down and paid for almost everything.  He is affectionate, caring, brushes my hair out of my eyes, hugs me, smiles alot so all the signs are there. 
    At the beginning I think he overshot a bit and told me many things that made my heart skip a beat. For instance, how perfect i was and couldn’t wait to pursue a relationship with me, meet his family and friends, how he’d love to get married again someday, how we’re so compatible and he’s a one-woman, kind of man and would only be dating me. Obviously such words I took seriously because it is all the qualities I seek and reciprocated by sharing my feelings too. When I did mirror his excitement he started to become a bit distant.  I asked him about it, specificially mentioned I felt led on that he said so many things yet he seemed to cool off and back away slightly.  He said he didn’t want to ruin everything by jumping into this head first like in the past.  He wanted to take his time. It is now 4 weeks (I know very early) but my anxiety is getting the better of me. 
    I am an impulsive,  impatient person to begin with and I know I overanalyze and need to slow down, give him space. We have been texting daily… a little less than at the beginning but his interest still seems to be there. He’s asks me questions about me, my life, my kids, how I’m doing.  I saw him 2 days ago when we went out and we had a great time, he couldn’t stop laughing, hugging me, etc. so I really felt secure, but I think the problem is as soon as we’re apart, I feel so disconnected.  Also, he pulls away when our kissing gets too heavy… and when I ask him if he’s no longer attracted, he says absolutely NOT, that he wants to wait until we get to know each other better because he truly wants a real long lasting relationship.  Otherwise he’s very affectionate and cuddly.  I don’t expect sex but I’m just surprised as most men I’ve met can’t keep their hands off of me.  Now he did pause for a good minute like he was going to tell me something very important but decided to hold off… just my intuition telling me somethings off…
    Long story short… after 2 years of being single myself, this is the first man I’ve met in long time, that is compatible on many levels so in my opinion, he is potentially a great future partner.  Very ideal when it comes to beliefs, morals, family, etc.  I don’t want to push him away, lose him but feel like I’m not being myself.  I feel that he’s holding back and eventually he might just hurt me.  I’m 38, he’s 41, you’d think this would get easier, but I don’t want to ask him where he stands as far as we’re concerned because I don’t want to scare him off, at the same time, I don’t want to feel like I’m not that important to him.  So am I overanalyzing and should just relax, give it more time. Perhaps he got into it too hot and heavy and needed to backtrack a bit?  I don’t want to be naive either.  I  believe my intuition is off because I’m having old destructive patterns resurface because of past relationship.  Wish I could just turn my emotions off for a bit and enjoy the moment….

  21. 171
    Sparkling Emerald

    From the OP
    Why is it that men have follow-through issues? The first date goes well and then there is nothing.
    Actually, in the very beginning before any commitments or intimacy have occurred I PREFER a man to just disappear.  Call me strange, but at that point, pre-commitment, pre-exclusivity,  & pre-intimacy, he doesn’t owe me an explanation, and I rather not have one.  About half the time I’m not interested, and if it’s mutual dis-interest, I am very relieved when he disappears.    If I’m interested and he’s not, as disappointing as it is, it’s not the end of the world, and a formal “I’m just not that into you” isn’t going to make me feel better.   The WORST for me, is when a guy is interested in me, but I don’t feel the same way.  I wish disappearing WAS an option for me, but since an interested man will usually pursue, it has to be dealt with. When he starts trying to arrange the next date, I’m not going to blow him off with “Hmmmmm, let me check my schedule.  Call me later this week”  (that is the gal-speak for “I’m just not that into you, but it’s too awkward to tell you to your face) So I’ve learned to say, “Thanks for taking the time to come out and meet with me,  I enjoyed talking with you, but I don’t think we are a match”.  That is my least favorite outcome of a first date, when I have to be the one to say it’s a no-go, to a guy who wants to go-go. Not that I enjoy being rejected, but at least, if a guy disappears it’s a very passive thing, requiring no action on my part.  (I refuse to call, text or e-mail a guy after a first date, unless I am returning a missed communication.)  If a second date hasn’t been arranged DURING the first date, I assume he’s JNITM, and life goes on. I would rather be passively rejected after a first date by the “amazing disappearing man” trick than to hear a speech about it. 
    What makes men run away from a relationship when you start asking where things are going??
    That’s why this time around, I refuse to be the first one to ask. (I have done this prior to any of my marriages, and no good ever came of it)  Perhaps it’s sexist, but if a man really is interested, he WILL tell a woman where he wants the relationship to go.  Evan’s advice to women to “do nothing” in the beginning stages of a relationship, is very spot on, in my opinion.
    As for the issue of post-intimacy disappearing, I read lot’s of good answers above.  I think the reasons are varied.  Yes, sometimes the man was just acting like a school boy in love, with every intention of disappearing after he got his booty.  Sometimes the man was looking for love, saw hope in a particular woman for love, then discovered incompatibility at some point.  Sometimes the man was upfront all along about not wanting to be serious.  Sometimes some women hear what they want to hear.  A man could tell them “Listen, I think you are really cute and fun to be with, but I’m not looking for a serious girlfriend now”  and all the woman hears is “I think you are really cute and fun to be with, and blah, blah, blah, something or other about a serious girlfriend”.  There is a selective hearing that filters out the “NOT LOOKING FOR” that preceded the phrase “serious girlfriend”.
    It is a cruel irony of mother nature, that attraction is discovered almost instantly, but it takes considerably longer to discover compatibility.  That unfortunate irony leads to many hurt feelings.  (for men and women both, but seems to affect women more) The sexual revolution has created a “man’s market”, where sex is as available as tap water, but love is a rare find, and since in EMK’s words, “Men look for sex and find love, woman look for love and find sex”, this imbalance puts the ball in the men’s court.  This is not a slam against men, just an observation coupled with my opinion. 

  22. 172

    I think it depends on many factors including age.  When a man is ready to commit he will.  Some are never ready.  Some men are still little boys.  They do not bond as we do at first. The saying is men look for sex and find love, we look for love & find sex.   There are good men out there that are ready to commit. 

  23. 173

    very interesting article and loved all the informative comments. I just wanted to add, in my view the dating ‘game’ has changed and women need to and are able to take far more control of situations from the get go. I mean, why are we women waiting around for these ‘dudes’ to approve us and ‘take us on’ in marriage or whatever it is that the woman thinks will ‘complete’ her. Times have moved on sisters (and brothers too). We need to have upmost value and respect for ourselves and be with ADULT men that want to be with us, are evolved enough to show behave with basic respect and curtsey, too many of us ‘settle’ all goo-eyed for half wit humans (some men) who simply are not evolved enough to be able to take the lead or know what they are offering. SO the answer ladies…. we raise these men – so firstly mothers, mothers to be – we need to re-educate our men emotionally, socially, spiritually to higher standards, we need to expect more from the men we choose in our lives, lead by example, set in good practice from the start – e.g. good communication, good characteristics should be praised, valued and brought to the forefront, women need to lead and be firm and fair and see if our mates are willing to deliver. Firstly we need to educate ourselves and look at our selves and make sure we our treating ourselves with the upmost dignity and have high esteem and worth, so maybe some self reflection and an attitude check is a good place to start and making sure we are aligned to and open for healthy happy positive intimacy in our lives. And then not sit around complaining – if someone is not meeting our standards – cut them loose, take control, take the power and don’t wimp about ladies. Why do men get to choose and bum around ‘deciding’ what their nether regions feel about us – take the opportunity and lead and cut them loose. Eventually, very soon you will have the person that is up to your standards, but you have to keep moving swiftly and be bold. I have been there tried it, had high expectations and was on a very high personal frequency myself and had the most wonderful 3 year relationship and then decided to let that go and live wild for a bit and now again am in a wonderful relationship which I really had to take the lead on  – don get me wrong I know how hard it is to bee tempted by the hot hunky bad boys – but you are allowed to look tease but not expect anything. I know it all sounds a bit crude – but trust me you us women need to change our attitudes to relationships. Take control!!

  24. 174
    Miss J

    They are ” fixers ” when things go too well maybe screwing it up serves their need to fix the relationship? And they say women are complicated? Gi figure.

  25. 175
    butterfly 07

    AMEN, Emily 🙂

  26. 176

    i do have some insight: furthermore, most men hate rejection.yes ladies, I have been married two times. And have been in more then a couple of relationships.
    i finally met the man of my dreams He, is everything I could ever want in a man.
    we play cat and moice games all the time. I know for a fact he is a fraid of commitment. Furthermore, we as woman open up to soon keep it  secret. To much to soon scares a man. Yes, I’ve been dating him for two In a half years now and boy when he thinks I’m leaving the relationship; he goes crazy, I do too. We are in passionate love. Read the signs. We are given a Gutt instinct us it 99% of the time you know, have fun, relax- keep your feelings to your self , ladies be a freak in the sheets and a lady in the streets. After 90 days don’t sleep with him .. Keep him coming to mama lol yes then give him a night he will never forget. Then detach. Let him chase you- until he proposes, whatever you do- stay detached, sexual, and ready to play- he will wonder why ypir so mysterious. And don’t tell him any thing about your ex- don’t complain, to much to soon. Wait; furthermore, to much information to soon boring.
    good luck ladies he will call you, text you, the secret: detatch and pray and if he’s the one God will bring it together. All those emotions are for your marriage not dating. 

  27. 177

    I just feel men ahem boys are stupid. Sorry to be blunt! Amazing explanations here which are spot on. However I think men are very stupid because they do just settle with the first decent girl that comes along when THEY are ready to settle down…its quite selfish and it does backfire because the ‘decent’ girl that comes along is usually not the perfect soul mate if you will. So in a nutshell they just settle and thus they usually have unhappy married lives. Alternatively if they had stayed with their perfect girl during their dating years instead of being greedy going through women like I go through my favourite gluten free biscuit (lol) they’d most likely have found happiness in the long run. I’m single but not bitter. I’m 30 met my soulmate but he was so scared to settle he pushed me away and treated me so badly when after 5 years of dating HE felt pressured we should move in together. He suddenly changed due to fear and i let him go his loss. I see so many silly girls date or marry men coz the men are ready to settle down.  I find these sort of men immature and women who marry them equally silly.  I was proposed to by a man very gorgeous in his early 40s who was so clear that he was ready to settle down and wanted me because I would still look beautiful when I am 50 and my genes would mean our kids would be beautiful and was basically choosing me to mate with and settle down with coz of my looked. I dumped him immediately. All I am saying is don’t be downhearted if a man stops calling don’t call back they did you a favour move on. Men who settle when the time is right will hurt themselves more than they would have ever hurt you i promise! They will marry the wrong woman and most lead very miserable lives as a result. I know at least 15 marriages girls from my school who are so unhappy and married the guy because he was ready. Choose wisely don’t be in a rush just coz your biological clock is ticking. Because at the end of the day would you rather have kids with a less than perfect man potentially messing up those kids lives with your unhappiness?  Or wait for your perfect match? I’m in no hurry it’s sad being alone but despite having the chance of getting married after being proposed to by a non suitor I’d rather wait for some one who I genuinely love and who genuinely loves me and isn’t ready to be with me for wrong reasons ie selfishly had is ready to marry! A lot of women fall into this trap seduced by the fact a man wants to marry them instead of choosing the right partner for their future happiness. Blessings!  Xxx

  28. 178

    Here’s one that made no sense…met my soulmate, she was perfect. I wanted nothing more than to marry her and she wanted the same, after 8months I was ready, didn’t have the money for the ring although we both owned houses and had awesome jobs, couldn’t tell her, so I just left early one morning telling her ‘don’t ever contact me again’. i just suddenly thought she’d be happier with other people…and I’m educated, former military, worked for the government at the time, described as ‘a catch’ by a lot of people. There was just no reason for it, but I would never allow myself to go back on what I did, I’ve done this before without thinking, did it time and time again…ultimately, I just create a vicious cycle and end up alone, but really don’t think I ‘need’ anyone, although I do….it’s just so easy to go in the moment, when really what I did was leave a lifetime of happiness, who needs it? The world will remember me for my contribution, not whether or not I was happy. Big deal if it hurts and I walk through every day angry and full of contempt for the next 50/60yrs. Hope that provides some insight. Recently returned to professional track&field, refuse to even look at women I’m attracted to, go through my training with nothing but anger and piss-off-ed-ness in my heart and mind…it’s a great motivator; what can I say, I’m an awesome role-model for the upcoming generation : /        ….unhappy but winning 

  29. 179
    T. Marie

    For the sake of time was the question ever answered or is this just data collection for a book?  

  30. 180
    Will Jacobson

    I think Katherine’s (3) point up top about men coming on strong because they want sex is a good one, and I want to expand on it to apply more generally. I think that a lot of the time when a man seems to lose interest and disappear suddenly it is because he is lacking something on the inside, and he got the bandaid he was looking for. He may be looking for validation from (and to an extent, the actual experience of) sex. He may be looking for validation from feeling like he’s in control, which is why he might say he wants to be exclusive then “realize” he doesn’t want the person at all. He might not sense his true motives if he doesn’t know himself. 

    Another thing is that deep down, all men want to feel more free. Because of that, they run from pressure in their relationships. Even if a guy is crazy about a woman, if she starts asking questions like “where is this going,” his impulse might be to pull away. Any time a man seems over eager to give up freedom, become exclusive, or get a declaration of commitment, be wary that he could be doing it for a validation shot without realizing. Once he has it, he could lose interest. Either way, along the road from dating to marriage, almost all guys are likely to get the “bucket of cold water in the face,” as Karl R (14) puts it. It’s just part of a paradigm shift from lone wolf to couple forever. 

    Something I’ve read is that the release of oxytocin in men is coupled with decline of testosterone. Since testosterone counters cortisol, a strengthening connection with a woman could actually make a guy feel stressed out, which could cause him to pull away until he gets his grip on things. That one seems like a real catch 22 to me. 


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