Why Do Men Who Seem Like Promising Prospects End Up Breaking Up With Me?

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I’m really excited to be here today, breaking out my new little FlipCam video just for you. The reason I’m doing this video blog is because after reading through nearly 1500 of your most intimate questions, some common themes became apparent.

And instead of waiting to complete my new book, I wanted to share the most powerful observations I had based on your survey answers.

The first big misunderstanding you have about men is a big one. In fact, if there’s one thing that you can take away from anything I write ever again, it’s this one.

Men Are About Feelings, Not About Looks

If you’ve ever been baffled at how men sometimes pull away from you, believe me, I understand. I’ve been dumped before and I remember the raw confusion, trying to reconcile how something so good could possibly go bad.

Now as a man, I don’t claim to speak for every guy, everywhere. I only speak for good, solid, relationship oriented men — the guys who are over the drama of dating hot, crazy women. Guys who want to date hot, crazy women aren’t really good relationship bets, so you shouldn’t worry too much when they disappear.

Anyway, every normal guy has had the experience of dating someone attractive and then breaking up with her. The physical is what pulls us in, but there’s a high price to pay for this kind of dysfunctional relationship.

You’ve probably done the same thing: been so drawn by attraction that you never looked up and considered that you’re always fighting, you’re always breaking up, and that, in between the great sex, there’s very little peace and contentment.

Are men drawn to smart, strong, successful women? You bet. The same way that you’re drawn to smart, strong, successful men. Really. Those characteristics are universally attractive and are considerable assets to you.

But where women and men often diverge is that we’re looking for different things. You’re looking for a man who is taller, stronger, smarter, funnier, wealthier.

We’re not. We’re looking for what we doesn’t have ourselves, what we can’t get at work, what we can’t get from our male friends: warmth, compassion, kindness, generosity, femininity.

Thus, your brains and beauty will always attract men, but they won’t keep them.

Thus, your brains and beauty will always attract men, but they won’t keep them.

Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws.

And if we don’t get all of that, we’re going to find a woman who does.

That’s why it doesn’t matter how impressive you are. You could be a Rhodes Scholar/TopChef/Supermodel, but if we constantly feel criticized, micromanaged, unattractive, emasculated, pressured and undermined, we’re gonna move on.

So when you’re trying to assess how to keep a guy around, remember:

Men are about feelings, not about looks.

Make us feel like a million bucks and we’re not going anywhere.

If you’ve struggled to understand and connect with the “right” men, do yourself a favor and put in your email address. That will put you on my priority mailing list so that you’ll get first notification when my new book comes out.

More importantly, it’ll take you to a special report I just created based on YOUR survey questions, called “The 3 Biggest Illusions You Have About Men”. This is some really valuable, challenging and eye opening stuff, and it’s all yours on the next page. Just put in your email, click submit, and stay tuned for more video updates in coming weeks…

Also be sure to offer your thoughts on my video in the comments section below and have an amazing week!

Join our conversation (73 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 21
    Rose

    Ok,
    I feel a bit better seeing this video, because I have recently fallen head over heels for a guy and I know I’m doing for him exactly what you said. I’m cherishing him and accepting him unconditionally. Me, on the other hand, I’m scared as heck because he hasn’t said “I love you” yet. We’ve agreed just on Easter we aren’t seeing anyone else and it’s been only about three weeks, but I already could have said “I love you” to him many times. However, I’ve not done so because I want to give him the space to know his own feelings. Therefore, I’ve used the word “love,” but only to say I love this about you or that about you. Still, it’s scary… what’s it gonna take for him to say those three words to me?!

    1. 21.1
      R

      It will take him to be comfortable and want to say them. You seem to be doing what is in your power to do. The rest is not really in your power (maybe that’s why you’re scared). There are other factors that can influence whether he says it or not.

      I am also surprized that you would give it so much importance. Don’t chase it, maybe you will be less scared. Try to enjoy what you have now. Who know what happens next.

    2. 21.2
      R

      Oh and if you love him why don’t you tell him? When you feel comfortable enough doing it, of course!

  2. 22
    Diana

    While I like Evan’s insightful advice and first-hand view, I sincerely hope that women do not take this too far. Part of being a great girlfriend is having a great boyfriend. It’s a give and take. I think there’s a bit of danger in any woman thinking, “Well, if I am all of these wonderful things to him, he’ll definitely stay with me.” He might, but you can lose yourself, too, if you’re not careful, and possibly end up as someone’s used doormat or worse. You want a man to be with you because he loves and accepts you for who YOU are, too.

    Look, all we’re talking about here is being a fun, confident, loving, non-judgmental, caring and kind, accepting individual, and that goes for everyone. No woman wants to stay with a bad boy jerk (if she’s got any sense and self-esteem) and no man wants to stay with a cold hearted, “I’m wearing the pants” witch, no matter how hot she is in bed. It gets old on both sides. It’s about feelings for ALL of us. 🙂

    What I wonder about is how do the unattractive women with hearts of gold get any serious attention? Men are so visually focused. Or what about the “nice” guys?

    You know, if people stopped judging a book by its cover, this wouldn’t be such an issue. It’s actions that tell the story; not appearances.

    Alright, let me have it. 🙂

  3. 23
    Mary

    Well, I just don’t know. I hear what you (and some of the male posters) are saying, but then when you do that, the guy says you’re “too something: needy, clingy, involved, smothering, desperate, etc. ad nauseum. Or you get the conflicting advice that men want a challenge, so you should be a little aloof, unavailable, make them chase you … essentially be a bitch.

    The (great) guy I’ve been dating for about 2 months now is sending such conflicting signals in this regard, my head is spinning! He makes comments like “you’re TOO easy to be around,” “you’re TOO nice … maybe I’m just not used to that.” But then gets a little sulky if I don’t return a text or phone call, or I wait for him to show his interest. Sorry, but WTF?

  4. 24
    Evan Marc Katz

    All dating advice is meant to help you understand and connect with GOOD guys. There’s nothing that you can do if a guy is a selfish, flaky, emotionally unavailable jerk who doesn’t appreciate a good woman. Your job is simply to be the best girlfriend in the world; his job is to reciprocate with devotion. If he doesn’t, LEAVE!

  5. 25
    starthrower68

    I will say what I’ve said before is treat a man right, and if he leaves, then you will know you did what you could to make the effort. If he then leaves, its on him. That keeps you from going back, driving yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong.

  6. 26
    Casey

    “Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws. ”

    Well I guess the question is…do these men you speak of just see themselves as needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic…or are they really, in fact, needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic? Because therein lies the rub…a lot of men (and women for that matter) “see” themselves as these things, but they really aren’t. If you want to be treated that way, act that way.

    As for flaws, we all got ’em. Some are deal breakers and some aren’t. Personally, I liked a guy who’s been roughed up by life and made some mistakes. You know why? Because so have I. But, if a guy wants to be accepted for his flaws, he really oughta be willing to accept a woman’s flaws also.

  7. 27
    Evan Marc Katz

    Casey,

    I love you, but you can take every single thing I say and turn it around to “What about men?” However, my business is advice for women. As such, I’m going to be telling you what YOU can do better, and NEVER what men can do better. So please don’t hold the same thing against me, over and over again. This is advice for smart, strong, successful women, not men.

    Evan

    1. 27.1
      R

      Most things apply to both sexes. There are social differences, differences in wording, of course some physical differences, but the things about love, trust, respect, it applies to everyone whether you like it not.

  8. 28
    anette

    This was awesome!! Thanks Evan 🙂

  9. 29
    Diana

    To starthrower68, if it were only that easy for all women. I think some women are still inclined to accept more of the responsibility for why a relationship didn’t work out, even when she knows better.

  10. 30
    JerseyGirl

    Men may not even be able to articulate this themselves, but we want to feel needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic. In other words, we want you to see us the way we see ourselves. We want you to treat us the way you want to be treated. We want to feel unconditionally loved and accepted, despite our many flaws.

    I think this is great advice. However, the things that make an individual man feel like you appreciate him for those qualities can vary. So you could still be doing all those things in your mind but the man in question might not feel that way because his interpratations of those qualities can be quite different. Then you ended up putting this effort into doing what you thought the man needed and still fail at it.

    Also, Evan, to your comments to Casey. We all understand that yuor advice is mainly for women. But it helps to hear, especially in the blog, that men want to recipocate and what men do or don’t understand about women. You can’t always discuss the one without acknowledging and discussing the other to have a further reach with your own message. So my question for you is how many men do you think truly understand what women need to feel to feel valued and open to their mate? And do you even know what qualities, such as the list you gave us on men, that women need. Any guy here is free to answer actually.

  11. 31
    Karl R

    Casey asked: (#26)
    ” do these men you speak of just see themselves as needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic or are they really, in fact, needed, trusted, important, masculine, sexy, smart, funny, and heroic”

    My girlfriend thinks I’m an amazing boyfriend because I make her feel hot, sexy and feminine. My girlfriend is 56 and went through menopause more than a decade ago. She didn’t think of herself as being hot, sexy and feminine (until we started dating).

    I am smart. Everyone has been telling me that since I was a young child. My test scores have repeatedly demonstrated that this is true. It’s kind of nice when my girlfriend tells me I’m smart, but it’s nothing special.

    As a teenager I was a scrawny geek. My self-image (and my appearance) has improved since then, but I have no aspirations to be a model or movie star. When my girlfriend makes me feel like I’m a gorgeous casanova, that makes me feel incredible.

    I think my girlfriend is attractive, and she thinks that I’m attractive. But the real reward in the relationship is that the other person sees us as being better than we see ourselves.

  12. 32
    mic

    It needs to be said – men rarely break up with particularly physically attractive women. It’s the women who break it off. However, things might be different prior to the “relationship” stage.

  13. 33
    Evan Marc Katz

    @JerseyGirl – Assume men understand nothing, want to understand nothing and are not going to change for you.

    Really. You’ve been reading here for years. You know that when I give advice it’s for the woman asking the question, not for the man who is the “problem”. So please stop asking me to give advice to someone who’s not reading my blog. As I’ve acknowledged 100 times, it’s not that you’re incorrect that men NEED to learn more. It’s that you can’t change them, and I can’t change them. Thus every woman who criticizes me for not telling men what to do is wasting her time. And mine.

    Listen to what the advice IS and figure out how to apply it to you, instead of trying to find fault in what the advice is NOT – and I think you’ll be a happier reader. And probably a happier person as well since that’s a pretty good philosophy of life, as well.

    Thanks for your patronage for these many years.

    Stay tuned for more in coming weeks.

    And where are the guys to comment on this video? Oh, yeah, guys don’t read my blog! 🙂

  14. 34
    HRGoddess

    Evan, love your advice! I have always held the philosophy that you communicated in your video. I don’t know if it was innate or if it was something I learned along the way, but when it comes to making the guys I dated feel special, I have always strived to do that because in my heart they always were. I know that I always did my best to be the best girlfriend – and if the guy I was dating did not want to play nice, I would kick him to the curb. More women need to learn how to do this and not waste so much time and energy trying to change the guy or wonder why the guy is not appreciating or reciprocating. Here’s the reason… He’s a jerk! Enuf said.
    P.S. I am now dating a wonderful man who appreciates being my sexy, masculine, smart, successful hero. He treats me like a goddess:-)

  15. 35
    Joe

    Posted by mic(#33)

    It needs to be said men rarely break up with particularly physically attractive women. It’s the women who break it off. However, things might be different prior to the relationship stage.

    “For every hot, drop-dead gorgeous girl out there, there’s a guy that’s tired of effing her.”

    Guys are probably loathe to dump a hot girl because of the social status dating someone that attractive brings, so they hang on longer to a relationship that isn’t going to work.

  16. 36
    Jackie

    Evan does give out great advice where women have control. Looks may get you in the door, but getting in the door is half the battle. Otherwise, why does it getter harder for women to date as they age? A man will often give more room for the woman to be an “easy girlfriend” if she is good looking. But enough about stuff you can’t control. You can only realistically attract your equal. Most women, like men, overate themselves. Therefore when a perfectly fine guy who is your equal pursues you, there is a tendency for the woman to secretly think that she deserves better, hence her not being as nice as she could to the poor guy. I think what Evan is constantly trying to tell us is: be realistic; you are not that perfect either. Choose the men who choose you. You might be surprised to actually find love. Leave the Alpha males for the really hot women who can handle them.

  17. 37
    mic

    Joe, perhaps. One of the likely benefits is the higher appeal to women who see such a man with a beauty. In other cases, a major factor is pessimism about finding a replacement of comparable physical attractiveness.

    Characteristic tanget – there probably are certain types of men who won’t break it off even though they know they should. For example, the emotionally disconnected type who highly values sex.

  18. 38
    davd

    Evan very clever title. When I first read it my initial response was “your wrong” but you did a good job to conince other wise. Not sure I would have used the exact phrase, but love is loyalty for a man. And a flip cam? aww you should have gotten a kodak zi8, its way better.

  19. 39
    Casey

    Evan,
    Well, that’s helpful to know that you interpret my questions and/or comments as “But what about men?” a lot of the time. And maybe they are to you. But, I don’t mean it that way or that I want you to give men advice. Sometimes they’re just comments. Sometimes they’re questions, which can include “But, what about men?” I’ve tried to say this in other posts, perhaps somewhat inarticulately, and got hammered…but I’m gonna try again any way because I gotta be me. 🙂
    I know what I think, and I’m pretty sure you can’t expand upon that – mostly because a majority of the time my posts get construed in a way that I didn’t mean…so I’m sure we there isn’t a meeting of the minds. I know what many women think, because I know many women and have discussed these very subjects with them. You do expand on what women think with examples quite often, many of which are quite helpful.

    But what I don’t know is what men think…that’s where you could be really, really helpful. You are a man giving advice to women, and telling us what we should do and how we should do it…but I feel that you often leave out the part about what men think and why.

    I am a big picture kind of a person, and for me, I feel I am only getting part of the picture…what women should do. And I would like to get the whole picture.

    I, and perhaps other women, would find it useful to know more about what men think (cuz I’m assuming you know since you’re a man and probably talk with a lot of men about this stuff and they would tell you things they are unlikely to tell women)… and what kind of advice you would give to men.

    You might not agree, but that’s what I think. And as I’ve mentioned before, maybe bring it up once in a while in a blog post like every 3 months or so. It could be a very short, tiny, itty-bitty, little blog post. It’s just a suggestion of something I would find helpful and perhaps others would also…and has never been intended to imply in any way that you should write a entire book on the subject.

    Casey

    P.S. “Casey, I love you, but….” Right back at you babe 😉 But I’m pretty sure if you met me…you’d be torn between wanting to hug me and wanting to strangle me. 🙂

  20. 40
    Evan Marc Katz

    Sweet Casey,

    Thanks for trying to clarify. It’s exhausting being misinterpreted, isn’t it? 🙂 I totally hear you about how you’re not getting the whole picture. You understand women; you’re here to understand men. Got it.

    Here’s my response:

    Every single word I write is telling you how men think. I don’t tell you what men should be doing different – since we agree that it doesn’t really matter, and that you already KNOW what men should be doing different. But if you really, truly, want to know what men think, then keep reading my point of view on this blog. I don’t speak for all men, but I speak for smart, kind, relationship oriented men, who still have a bit of selfishness, narcissism, and player in them.

    What I find is that when I explain how men think – and you don’t like it – I get yelled at for telling the truth. The proverbial “shooting of the messenger”. So when I say that you should put up with his flirting, or his friendship with his ex, or his penchant to make corny jokes, or his confusion about whether he wants to marry you… THAT’S what we’re thinking. We want to be ACCEPTED, not judged. And, in exchange for accepting us (which no other woman has done), we will pledge our love and devotion and treat you better than you’ve ever been treated before.

    That’s what this video’s about. Make him feel special, he’ll make you feel special. And if he fails, then dump his ass instead of waiting for him. He’ll get the message quick!

    Are our minds meeting yet? 🙂

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