Why Do We Rush to Go on as Many Coffee Dates as Possible, When Coffee Dates Almost Always Suck?

Why do we rush to go on as many coffee dates as possible, when coffee dates almost always suck?

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  1. 1

    No idea. Maybe that’s why I eventually got so bored with online dating: the dates themselves were dull, and left me with little enthusiasm for seeing the other person again. Too many first dates, nowhere near enough fun.

  2. 2

    Who’s rushing to all these coffee dates? I’ve been on one in my entire Internet dating history, and it was so intolerable I couldn’t wait for it to end. It just didn’t feel like a DATE–it felt like a job interview with more uncomfortable personal questions.

    Nope, if possible, I like my early dates to involve a little liquor and some nice food (takes the edge off and gives you a distraction if the conversation lags). And save movies, amusement parks, tennis, football games, etc. for later–you can’t really get to know anyone in those types of venues. It’s possible, of course, to have a good date that advances the relationship without drinks and dinner, just more difficult in my mind.

    As far as the timing of the date goes, I’m a fan of finding a balance between meeting right away (you’ll know if there’s physical chemistry and no one’s time is wasted) with emailing and chatting on the phone for a week or two (you’ll have more to talk about when you actually do meet, and it weeds out the crazies who initially look good on paper).

  3. 3
    Karl R

    Talk about a leading question.

    I’m not trying to get as many coffee dates as possible. The goal isn’t to have a lot of first dates. The goal is to get beyond the first date and develop a relationship with the right person.

    Furthermore, I can’t recall a single coffee date that I had that “sucked”. I’ve enjoyed the company and the conversation, even if the dates didn’t go anywhere further.

  4. 4

    Because there’s that small chance that it might not suck.

  5. 5

    Funny question. I hate coffee dates, so I just go to coffee houses by myself. Usually, I’ll bring a good book. But I’m totally open to meeting single women that are there. Just strike up a conversation.

    Only problem – so many people bring their laptops to coffee houses and work! They are just staring at the screen. You can’t talk to them. And they take up an entire table by themselves. It sucks.

    Just as bad – I’ll go to a coffee house, see an attractive woman out front, try to catch her eye, but she’ll check her watch. Yep, she’s waiting for her pre-arranged coffee date to arrive.

    To all the women out there – do yourself and us guys a favor, and go hang out in a coffee house with a book that you’re not really reading, or just go and drink coffee, and flirt like crazy. It’s not that hard. And it’s way more fun than browsing profiles online.

  6. 6

    The problem, imho, is that while I am reading your advice… the guy who is writing me most likely is not. Ultimately it feels a little weird to keep leading things all the time – even if you are being cute about it.

    So, the few coffee dates I’ve been on were because I had already turned things around and asked to chat longer than they were used to or (fill in the blank with some other thing I thought was more important to make issue of). At the time it seemed like I’d look pushy / unable compromise if I made a fuss about it so it was easier to just go with the coffee idea. But right, I definitely don’t PREFER coffee dates.

    Though to be fair, at least one of the dates ended up being really fun… and both led to a second date… for what that’s worth.

  7. 7

    I actually make it a point not to go out on coffee dates. They’re great if you’re meeting someone in person at a bar or at Barnes & Noble, but coffee dates are waayyyy too popular when you meet someone online. I’d figure a girl has probably been on 15 coffee dates in the last two months before she goes to Starbucks with me.

    I make it a point to change up plans either beforehand, or even at the last minute…. activity dates (poetry club, salsa lessons) or something like mini-golf ALWAYS work much better. You get to chat, get comfortable with each other, and avoid the boring Starbucks atmosphere.

  8. 8

    A coffee date is one of the best ways to go for both parties. It lets you get out of the date if things aren’t going well and if they are then you can go somewhere else to continue the date if both agree.

    1. 8.1

      Except it shows that you are a cheap guy.   And women hate cheap guys.

      1. 8.1.1
        Sparkling Emerald

        Steve and Jil. I am a believer in inexpensive or free first meet and greets. I don’t expect a guy who doesn’t know me to be generous with me.   It’s no indication of his ” cheapness” to not shell out big bucks for a near stranger, any more than its a sign of ” frigidity” if a woman doesn’t have sex on a first date. I encourage men to make that first meeting with an online date inexpensive or free.   A nice girl won’t fault a near stranger as cheap for not shelling out big bucks.   I met my fiance on a coffee date.   I got there first and bought my own cup of coffee.   He offered to buy me a pastry, I accepted.   We decide to go for a walk afterwards.   He then offered to treat me to a glass of wine and appetizers. I said yes.   Then he suggested we go to a movie, Unsaid yes and suggested the dollar cinemas.   That initial ” coffee” date turned into an all day , day of fun, then a second date, a third, and a ring on my finger and a wedding being planned for next year.    So I am a big believer in initially scheduling a short inexpensive date as it is easier to extend a short date, than it is to cut short a long and expensive date.   I may be biased in favor of the ” coffee date as mine led me to love and an engagement, but I think the initial inexpensive short date works well for BOTH parties.   JM2C,. YMMV.

  9. 9

    Most of my coffee dates in fact have not sucked. I can only think of one that I’d label as bad, but that is because the guy had nothing to say to me. But I have a feeling he would have been the same if it were dinner and drinks. And coffee dates don’t have to just be coffee at Starbucks. I’ve had dates extend to walks, lunch, dinner, and a movie.

    So I guess I’m a fan, but I like hanging out in cafes in general anyway. So even if it’s just coffee and conversation, it’s good to me.

  10. 10

    Evan, why do you think? Because that is the most creative “pre-date” our date could think of (so original)(and shows they’ve taken the time to know us and create something that fits the person.) It’s a long wait waiting for a man to, “get it,” and think of a new idea. So, while we are not rushing, we are not waiting around, either. It’s either coffee or drinks. That is the extent of it. Most men want to see you in person to make sure you’re “worth” putting, uh, say, fifteen minutes of extra thought into it. Do I sound jaded or what? Snort.



  11. 11
    happy girl

    I guess the reason I go on coffee dates is that if it does not work out you and the guy do not have to sit through a long drawn out meeting. However I have also gone for dinner, quick lunch, a drink at a nice bar. I almost always initiate the suggestion for a coffee date, but very often the guys I have been on a date with have suggested to meet for more then just coffee.
    I would honestly say that except for one coffee date, where were the conversation was just like pulling teeth, all my meetings have not been a bad experience at all.

  12. 12

    I do the screening process up front, with emails, phone calls, and the dreaded text messages. That way, by the time I meet I guy for drinks and dinner, I’m pretty confident I can stand to spend at least a couple of hours with him.

    Hell, I flew to another state after corresponding with a guy for a month, sight unseen (other than photos). It was understood (actually anticipated) that we would be spending the night together right away. Risky, I know, and the relationship didn’t last (don’t even want to get into all the commentary about how it was because I slept with him too soon), but the sex was ungodly good. Would I do it again? Yeah, probably, given the right circumstances. Beat the best coffee date in the world by miles.

  13. 13

    I don’t go on coffee dates. Meeting for ONE glass of wine and an appetizer after work works for me. No caffeine buzz, you don’t get drunk but you can relax, you don’t have to chew much, it’s a weeknight so you can keep it to a couple hours at most and neither one of you has wasted a precious weekend day if it doesn’t work out. And even if it does work out, the first meeting should be pretty short anyway — it makes it less nerve-wracking and builds anticipation should you decide to meet again.

  14. 14

    post #8. Another Steve, not the handsome intriguing regular. Good thread. I’ve only had a few coffee dates, but not second dates from them. Hmmm.

  15. 15

    The only conceivable reason I can think of to go on a coffee date is if you aren’t sure the person is worth your time. In my case (well, perhaps not *always*, but most of the time), even if I end up not finding the guy attractive, after a few good phone conversations I can still be pretty sure that the date won’t be a total waste of my time.

    So, the question should not be “why”, but “do you”.

    I don’t rush to go on many not just coffee dates, but dates, period, as I am into quality over quantity. I strive to filter (LOL). I am fully aware that if, for instance, my profile said something insipid like “I am looking for a MAN with a capital M!!!”, I’d get hundreds more responses. But going through the hundreds I already receive is enough of a second job for me.

  16. 16

    I’m of the school of thought that coffee dates are fine – ESPECIALLY if it’s an internet date. To me it doesn’t matter if I’m sitting in a Starbucks with some chick drinking overpriced coffee, at a bar sipping a glass of wine, or on a park bench drinking 40s out of a paper bag. It’s all about the company. If a person bores the shit out of you, they’ll bore you at Starbucks or at a four star restaurant.

  17. 17

    I haven’t had a coffee date which sucked. As another poster said, even when they haven’t worked out, they’ve always been good conversation.

    Save the $$$ dates for later. Especially since i have to pay for them.

  18. 18

    According to this LA Times article, a warm drink can warm the heart. Hence, the popularity of coffee dates!

    Or maybe it’s just caffeine addiction.
    (Nice to see you, Evan, and congratulations!)

  19. 19

    Out of all of the dates I’ve had there has only been one bad coffee date, but I won’t go into details. I honestly don’t mind meeting a date for coffee especially a first meeting. It’s casual and easygoing. It should give the two people on the date to have an actual conversation that is not dependant on 😉 or 🙂 to indicate a wink or a smile.

  20. 20

    the wink and smile were supposed to be the semicolon with ) & colon with ). oops

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