Why Do We Rush to Go on as Many Coffee Dates as Possible, When Coffee Dates Almost Always Suck?

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Why do we rush to go on as many coffee dates as possible, when coffee dates almost always suck?

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Zann

    Sometimes they do suck, but I have yet to find a good alternative. Because I’d sure rather go on a fairly brief coffee date with someone I’ve never met than on a lunch, dinner, or even “1 glass of wine” date. With coffee, the biggest investment is a couple of bucks, regardless of who pays, and about 45 minutes. I’ve learned this the hard way, and the coffee date is the only way I’ll agree to meet someone in person for the first time, regardless of how much we’ve emailed or talked on the phone before that. I also try to have something lined up for afterward so I have an honest excuse when I want to make my exit. It also takes the pressure off the guy, in case he’s not all that thrilled with me, either. Life’s too short to spend uncomfortably with someone who, for whatever reason, you just don’t click with.

  2. 22
    JuJu

    Oh, you know what else?

    All these “so, let’s go out for coffee” suggestions from men last time I was actively online-dating seemed to me to show lack of class. They were just too obvious in their reluctance to spend more money, but then, in my mind, going out is not necessarily associated with food – I could just as well go to a park or a [free] museum. (That’s not to mention that I am fully capable of paying for myself, if the expense is of such great concern to them.) If only these men weren’t so transparent.

    But maybe that’s just me.

  3. 23
    Kenley

    JuJu,

    I think it’s perfectly fair for a guy not to want to spend a lot of money on a first date because it can get expensive if they are dating/filtering a number of women, and I don’t think they are being cheap per se. Dating can be very expensive for men if women think they have to pay for everything. I always just to suggest a free date. In the summer, I will suggest a walk along the lake or something outdoors. Or I suggest an outdoor art walk. Those have always been my best dates and at the end, the guys typically suggest we grab a meal.

    1. 23.1
      Cocoa

      The point is women know you’re filtering by suggesting the coffee date which is not something I want to think about on a date.

  4. 24
    JuJu

    Kenley,

    I realize class can be expensive, and yet, it’s a trait I value highly and must, in fact, have in a mate.

    You know, honestly, at first I thought nothing of the phrase, it’s after a few months of hearing it that it started to grate on me.

    It’s the imposed limits I don’t like, I think, more so than the implied “cheapness”. On time (how flattering!), on effort (not exactly original, after all), and mostly, on MY input, in terms of ideas. Why doesn’t he ask what I want to do? Especially considering that from my response he could actually draw some valid conclusions about my personality.

    I think in my entire history of online dating I met up with only one man who suggested coffee, and that was a long time ago, when I was inexperienced. Well, not to scare any of the men here, it was probably not just the coffee suggestion in the other cases, but a comprehensive display of unappealing (to me) behavior (and in all of this I, apparently, started discerning a pattern).

    I do allow the possibility that my perception is all out of whack, though. 🙂

  5. 25
    Mary

    Online dating goes in stages..At first you are a little skeptical and email back and forth for weeks…When that gets boring…you go for a couple of emails then hours on the phone…when that gets boring…you go for an email..phone call…then a meeting..somewhere…When that gets boring….You just say …”hey you! Let’s meet for coffee…” Then you know the cynicism has set in and it is time to take a breather and get offline for awhile.

  6. 26
    Amy

    Yeah I agree with Mary and JuJu here. I think that I’m always on the look-out for cynicism – because expecting that you’ll need an “out” on a date can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. With the few exceptions I mentioned earlier (where we’ve already gotten to know each other for awhile and they were just coffee people), I tend to think of a “coffee date” as going into the date a little jaded.

    I mean, think about it. If you go into… lets say a job.. with a positive attitude, chances are you will be happier with the position and continue focusing on the positive. If you are jaded and thinking about your last job, which you found disappointing or even hated, sure… you MIGHT be pleasantly surprised. But you also might bring in some of that negativity to your new job.

    Not that dating and a job are the same but… right… hopefully you get my point. Lol. If I’ve been talking to a guy for awhile, I know that I’ll at least be able to have a good conversation with him. And that is worth a few hours of my time – whether there is chemistry or not. Its about respect, and I totally agree Juju, class. Two things I’d hope my date would have.

  7. 27
    moonsical

    Well, I’m one of those people who looks forward to job interviews–go figure–and I do not dread initial dates nor have I had a bad one. First, intentional meetings are almost always awkward for a few moments, but then they move forward.

    My only point was how utterly mundane, even dull and common, “going for coffee,” is. There are millions of more fun things to do, and as my want is for a creative man, I do always hope for a sign of that. *I* have some fun date ideas, but as another woman on the blog made mention of, it feels odd to always have to lead. That’s not why we partner.

    moon

  8. 28
    hunter

    to moon on post #27

    How true!…Men should always ask their partner, about, where to go on a first date.

  9. 29
    Selena

    Glass of wine and an appetizer at a local place. Better atmosphere than a coffee house if nothing else.

    And yes, if he’s too cheap to pay for just that much I probably won’t go out with him again. Sorry. Been down that road.

    Subsequent cheap, free dates can be more fun than $$$ ones and I’m all for that. I simply have no interest in coffee after 10 am.

  10. 30
    JB

    The question Evan posed “Why do WE go on as MANY coffee dates as possible, when they almost always suck ?”
    First off I’ve never been on a “coffee date” and I’m not sure if “meeting for an adult beverage date” is the same thing ? I can assure you it’s not because it’s a little more expensive. I usually meet for a drink or an appetiser depending on my “perceived” value of the lovely lady in question as well as the amount of rapport we’ve built up by email & phone etc… I think this question is mainly directed at the women because they have the quantity power at their disposal for the most part. Meaning they could probably get a guy to “meet them for a drink” 7 nights a week and never pay for any of them where as most men have to really put in a lot of effort to actually meet 3 new women a month. So the point I’m trying to make is the term “as many as possible” must be for women because what’s “possible” for them is vastly different to what’s “possible” for MOST guys. We just don’t have that choice when it comes to the numbers. For some guys, 1 or none are what’s even “possible”.

  11. 31
    moonsical

    Hunter,

    Better yet, men can read profiles or have conversation with said woman and think to themselves, “Ah! She likes art! So do I! Maybe a Gallery Walk?” Possibly this is too much work for a man, though I find the men I actually do date have this going for them.

    moon

  12. 32
    A-L

    After reading JB’s post, I have to say, not really. Or maybe it means that I’m not willing to go out on as many dates as possible. Frequently my choices are zero or none in terms of new dates with guys I’m interested in. Guys who e-mail me one liner e-mails like “write me back” or have other horrendous errors…maybe. Guys who legitimately seem interesting and have potential? Maybe if I was a 10 I’d have all those offers, but as it is now, not so much.

  13. 33
    A-L

    Just as an addendum to my last post, if a guy seems as though there’s potential from his e-mail/phone conversations, even if the chemistry isn’t popping and the conversation could be more scintillating, I’ll frequently give him a chance with a date to see if things improve. I tend to have the philosophy that I’ll continue to go out with someone until I can say definitely that I’m not interested/don’t see long-term potential with them. Of course, I can usually tell within 1-2 dates at the most (few guys get to 3 but not beyond).

  14. 34
    hunter

    Keep in mind, the anxiety level is very high, on the first three dates. I ask all women out at least three times, even the ones I wish would die on the way to the bathroom!……

  15. 35
    moonsical

    hunter,

    That is SO comforting. Gosh I hope no one ever hopes I will die on the way to the bathroom! Egads.

    moon

  16. 36
    JuJu

    hunter, you some sort of masochist? =P

  17. 37
    hunter

    Masochist?,,,OMG!…..hhmmhh, I think the movie “Dangerous Laisons” is boring…..LOL!…….

  18. 38
    hunter

    Moon, I am sure you are a real sweetheart on dates.

  19. 39
    Trisha

    Mary 25 – you are right on.   If I get more than a few emails from a guy and it looks like a lifelong virtual partner, I’m out.   I prefer to meet up right away, but then it appears I’ve only obtained a first date and nothing further.   Grrr….!

  20. 40
    harley517

    I believe that a good way to break the ice is to meet for a cup of coffee an then sit in a park or take a walk and chat.   Talking on line is a good way to begin a relationship but I enjoy seeing someone’s reaction to things i say or they say.   Until you have spent time just sharing in the conversation you don’t really know who a person is until u do. Coffee is an easy way to do that.   Its a quiet relaxing place where you can have stimulating conversation get to know someone and make plans for getting together for lunch or dinner.   Things take time to develop to build on the foundation of a solid relationship.   A coffee date is a beginning to something more and yes sometimes it doesn’t work out but after the emails an texts u should know before u meet if the chemistry is there and no other time is wasted if u get together for coffee it shows each other that you are interested in getting to know them an to see what becomes of it.

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