Why Some Women Find Love and Others Do Not

Let’s just say there are four states of being:

Happily Single, Unhappily Single, Happily Coupled, and Unhappily Coupled.

If we were to rank them, from worst to best, I think most people would conclude:

Worst: Unhappily Single/Unhappily Coupled
Middle: Happily Single
Best: Happily Coupled

While we can argue about whether it’s better to be miserable alone or miserable with a partner, we can’t debate two things:

Whether it’s better to be happy than unhappy.

Whether it’s better to be in love or alone.

The jury is in. The tribe has spoken.

Pretty much all of us would rather share a fun, passionate, safe, stable, long-term relationship than to just be happy alone with our work, friends, pets and hobbies.

Pretty much all of us would rather share a fun, passionate, safe, stable, long-term relationship than to just be happy alone with our work, friends, pets and hobbies.

There’s nothing really controversial about this idea until you start to dig into it and see how we don’t necessarily live our lives according to this calculus. To wit:

If Happily Coupled is better than Happily Single, why do you try to convince yourself that you’re actually happier alone?

Take a second. Think about it.

If you’ve ever told yourself the lie that you’d rather be alone, what you’re REALLY stating is that you’d rather be Happily Single than Unhappily Coupled.

What you haven’t done is consider the third choice: Happily Coupled!

Interesting, isn’t it?

Basically, if you – like the rest of us – have experienced nothing but failure in the realm of dating and relationships, your mind takes a shortcut: in order to avoid the pain of getting heartbroken again, you don’t even consider the possibility that you can create an easy, joyous relationship.

You create a false dichotomy between being alone and getting devastated, when the third choice – Happily Coupled – is actually the most desirable outcome.

In other words, you live your entire life in fear of the worst-case scenario, and therefore, handicap your ability to achieve the best-case scenario.

Not anymore.

After hearing thousands of women complain how there are no good guys, how men only want one thing, how impossible it is to find a quality relationship-oriented man, I created an entire program around one question: why you should believe in love.

Believe in Love is laid out in 7 easy steps:

1. Let Go of Your Past
2. Set Realistic Expectations
3. Overcome Negativity
4. Defeat Your Fear of Failure
5. Reframe Your False Beliefs
6. Carry Yourself with Confidence
7. Take Action Now

Each step is around thirty pages long and comes with a few short exercises to help you rewire your mind and get all the tools you need to create lasting love.

Wait — Reading? Exercises? Tools? Why so much work? You just want Mr. Right to knock on your door with a diamond ring – to get happily married without any dating, risk, time or emotional vulnerability.

Sorry, but that’s not how it works.

Praying for a man will not deliver you a man. God isn’t Federal Express.

Not looking for love means only that you will not find love.

No dates means no opportunities for you to make a lasting connection.

Focusing all your attention on work, travel, family, and hobbies means only that you’ll reach the very middle of human happiness: happily single.

Which is to say that until you Believe in Love, you will never be Happily Coupled.

You will never achieve your peak happiness.

You will never have your husband greet you with an egg white omelet and fresh-squeezed orange juice on Saturday.

You will never have your husband surprise you with a weekend away in Vegas and two tickets to Cirque du Soleil.

You deserve to be that happy, but it won’t happen if you convince yourself that your only choices are to be unhappily coupled or single forever.

You will never have your husband comfort you after a hard day at work in which he listens to you vent, draws you a warm bath, and hands you a glass of red wine.

You will never have your husband make you laugh until your sides split while you’re driving to buy groceries for your dinner party.

You will never have your husband give you three screaming orgasms and fall asleep spooning you until the following morning.

You will never have your husband provide you with love, support, and companionship that good men routinely give their wives – a date to every wedding, a shoulder to cry on for every funeral, a best friend for everything in between.

In short, you will never reach the heights of what’s possible in life.

You deserve to be that happy, but it won’t happen if you convince yourself that your only choices are to be unhappily coupled or single forever.

There is a third way – a better way to live life – and I’m going to help you get there.

To celebrate Valentine’s Day, this week I am offering you my favorite program, “Believe in Love – 7 Steps to Letting Go of the Past, Embracing the Present and Dating with Confidence,” for 50% off of the regular $147 price.

Just click here, put in promo code VDAY2016 during checkout, and enjoy having your whole world turned around in less than a week.

Believe in Love contains an eBook, a workbook, an audio, three value-added bonuses and a 90-day 100% money-back guarantee.

This sale only lasts through Sunday, February 14th at 11:59pm PST so act now.

I can’t wait to hear how much better you feel when you’ve gone through my 7 steps and can say, with a straight face, how much more confident you feel about your relationship prospects.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. Elizabeth is a former client who sent me this email just this morning. I think it’s a perfect reminder of why you need to “Believe in Love.”

I so enjoyed reading all of your materials. Even at the time, I recognized I was learning a lot, and more importantly, gaining a new perspective on how to approach dating again after my 15-year marriage ended. I had to kiss a few more frogs that year, but don’t worry – there is a happy ending to this story!

Almost exactly two years later, I met a wonderful guy on Match by following what I learned in your programs. He pursued me from the start, has always treated me wonderfully, and very quickly he became my best friend and the love of my life. And almost exactly three years later, I am writing to say that we are engaged to be married in July of this year. I have others to thank, of course, including good friends who gave good advice.

But Evan, I really feel you deserve the largest share of the thanks for creating and maintaining a truly wonderful program that helps us get out of our own way so we can actually enjoy dating and relationships again. I especially appreciate how you have made your materials accessible to people from all walks of life so there’s something available for everyone who is open to learning.

So now I finally understand what you have said about how worthwhile it is to keep trying and never give up on finding love. If this 50 year-old divorced woman can do it (and I know you work with people of all ages) then pretty much anyone else can do it to, if they set their minds to it.

Anyway, I hope this email reaches you, with my sincere thanks and best wishes for health and happiness to you and your lovely family,

Elizabeth

This is what happens when you Believe in Love.

Click here to learn more and don’t forget to put in VDAY2016 on the checkout page to get 50% off.

Join our conversation (62 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 1
    Christine

    Very well said Evan.  Right now, I’m happier than I’ve ever been, now that I’m finally in a stable relationship with a wonderful guy.

    Not to say I spent all my time alone moping in my apartment while lip-synching to “All By Myself” like Bridget Jones (although I did have other “secret single behaviors” I haven’t even told my boyfriend about yet!)  I really tried to be content being single.  Yet deep down, I always felt a constant hunger for something more.  Little did I know that my true love was living just ten minutes away from me, also wondering where his match was!  Or that he’d suddenly show up online one day after breaking up with his ex–after all the awful online dating experiences I had before.

    I just want to give encouragement to the single people out there that, like me, you could be a lot closer to love than you think.  Opportunities that aren’t here today can present themselves tomorrow.  So you just need to keep going, in order to grab them.  Believe me that the reward is more than worth it!  Keep the faith!

  2. 2
    Erin

    Surprising me with breakfast in bed?  With a weekend away?  With a warm bath and a glass of red wine?  Are you kidding me??!

    I’ve NEVER expected this of any man I’ve dated and I’ve never gotten it.  I’d go further and say that these are examples of NOT “setting realistic expectations” as Evan himself counsels us to do.

    My expectations?  Someone who makes me feel comfortable in his presence.  That requires kindness, integrity, and a lack of physical aggression early in the relationship.  I’ve dated less educated, far less successful, limited financial means, less good-looking, nearly always overweight (I am a serious gym-goer), bald or balding, and even  – gasp! – SHORTER THAN ME!!!  And I’m not tall!  And you know what?  Despite my flexibility on so-called “attractive” criteria, I never got ANY OF THE THINGS that Evan described above, and I think most men reading this would think me a princess if I expected such white-glove treatment.

    Who on earth could call these circumstances realistic?  And yes, I do know some men who are into such gestures…they flew off the shelves years ago and are happily married – no surprise there.

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I write from my perspective. In other words, I do those things. I’m just letting you know what’s possible.

      1. 2.1.1
        Erin

        Evan, I love your blog and materials and appreciate your response.  But you are writing about what is possible for someone who is with *you.*  You are taken.

        The rest of us are being warm and affectionate, cooking gourmet meals, sending baked goods and other gifts, picking up the check most of the time, taking lessons in our guy’s hobbies, doing laundry, giving long massages and sending appreciative text messages…to and for men who would never think to do any of these things.  You tell us that we are prioritizing chemistry too much or chasing attractive qualities…true for some; not all.

        For the record, I agree with nearly all of your advice over the years.  Really the only theme of yours that I have ever doubted is the one about good men (NOT “attractive” men) being out there and available.

        1. Karmic Equation

          Erin, are you really doing all of below?

          “The rest of us are being warm and affectionate, cooking gourmet meals, sending baked goods and other gifts, picking up the check most of the time, taking lessons in our guy’s hobbies, doing laundry, giving long massages and sending appreciative text messages…to and for men who would never think to do any of these things.  You tell us that we are prioritizing chemistry too much or chasing attractive qualities…true for some; not all.”

          If yes, then you are way way way overfunctioning!

          That drives men away, not keeps them close.

          I know you see what you do as a sign of caring, but to do ALL of them consistently is overfunctioning. However, doing any ONE of those things once in a while is a good way to keep his interest by being unpredictable.

          On a daily basis, mirror his efforts. Only do things for him that you would normally do for yourself. For example, my bf stays with me more nights of the week at my place than at his. So the tradeoff is that I do his laundry. But his laundry is easy, EVERYTHING goes into one load (normal, cold wash) and ALL of it goes in the dryer. I don’t need to sort. (This is because that’s how HE does his laundry at his place). — Now if he were as picky as I am about how to do laundry, I’d make him do it himself!

          As a rule of thumb, don’t give more than you get. And certainly don’t give what you will resent giving and not getting in return.

          This is not playing games and this not “keeping score” — this is making sure that you don’t overfunction and drive him away. Women who overfunction are displaying desperation. Never act desperate.

          You can show you care, without becoming a servant.

          An easy way to stop overfunctioning – Treat him like one of your girl friends — if you’re not giving massages or sending baked goods to your girl friend, don’t do it for the bf. Send appreciation messages to your bf, but don’t overdo it. If you already thanked him in person, don’t send a text message to repeat your appreciation. Appreciate a gesture once. And several weeks or months down the road you can mention again how you loved what he did.

          I know, I know. You’re trying to lead by example. But take it from me, men don’t notice what you do when you overfunction as indications that you like him a lot. He assumes that if you’re sleeping with him, you like him a lot. So the other stuff you do is overkill.

          Let’s take Evan’s example: breakfast in bed. If a man does this for you once in a while, that’s hot. If he were to do this every day for you, you’d start to wonder why he didn’t have better things to do with his time rather than seeing what he does as thoughtful.

          It’s just human nature. Surprise him with your thoughtful gestures. Don’t let him take what you give him for granted. You’ll resent him and he’ll get bored with you.

           

        2. Stacy

          Well, my current boyfriend does a lot of these things…granted, the relationship is still within the first 6 months so he could still be on that high.lol

          He is awesome, kind, wouldn’t even think about allowing me to pay for anything, sensitive, considerate, constantly asks me if I need anything, cooks for me, etc.

          So yeah, it is possible and I am no spring chicken. I am 38 years old and he is 40. I am also a divorced mother of 2 so it’s not as though he can’t get someone younger and unattached (his kids are grown and out of the house). He is not just a good man. He is a GREAT man. However (and I hate to bring this up but it’s true), I keep myself up VERY well physically so I am sure that helps. And I allow him to lead. I have always had problems receiving before…now I allow myself to receive/be feminine and he enjoys giving to me.

          Yes, it’s possible. I promise.

           

        3. Evan Marc Katz

          Appreciate it, Erin, but as you already know, your post says more about you than it does about me or the rest of society.

          It simply cannot be that of the remaining “good” single people on the planet, ALL of them are women. When you say it like that, it’s laughable, isn’t it?

          100M single people. 50M quality women. 0 quality men. 🙂

          You may continue to doubt whether there are good men, just as some men here doubt whether there are good women. To me, that only says something about the men you’ve chosen, not about whether there are good men anywhere in existence. Consider that millions of good men choose good women to marry each year. That’s a fact, not an opinion. And you can’t make the logical case that all of those men are liars, cheaters, players or abusers and that all of their marriages are doomed to fail.

          Moral of the story: get Believe in Love. You won’t regret it.

        4. Christine

          Wow Erin, you must be exhausted if you’re doing all that!  I hope all these comments won’t come across as us picking on you or anything–but you don’t sound so happy with where you are now, so we really are trying to steer you towards a different (and better) direction.

          I would seriously google the term “overfunctioning” and read every article you can on that subject, because that term fits your situation to a tee.  I’d also read up on “masculine” vs. “feminine” energy in relationships.  Not to say, stop doing anything nice–but just not more than your fair share.

          If you were in a boat and the other person was willing to do all the rowing to keep it moving–what incentive would you have to also row?  You can see how it’d be easy to just sit there, if you get to keep moving without doing any of the hard work.

          If you’re exhausted from rowing the boat by yourself, then give yourself a break and stop rowing.  If you’re with a good guy, he’ll pick up the oars and also start rowing, to keep things moving.  Then, only row as much as he does.  If he still doesn’t step up, jump ship and find someone else who will reciprocate (and you will at least saved yourself a lot of time and trouble from doing thankless work)

          I know how it can sometimes seem like there aren’t good men out there.  Believe me that I often spent a lot of time wondering where the good men were.  I kept myself going by reminding myself that I only needed one good one.  I really doubt there isn’t one good man for you out there, out of all the single people on this planet.  That’s all you need.

          Best of luck to you, keep going!

           

           

           

        5. Emily

          I had a roommate who did what Karmic Equation described as overfunctioning. On the days her boyfriend had his kids, instead of giving him time with his family, she would invent reasons to go over his house. One morning, I found her busy in the kitchen. “I’m making him a cake,” she said. “Isn’t that nice of me?” It seemed self-serving and pushy. They had been dating for six months. Both were living apart from their spouses but yet divorced.

        6. Heather K

          Hi Erin,

          I used to be like you a bunch of years ago, and would do way too much for people who didn’t really care about me.  Whether it was guys, female friends, disgruntled family members, etc.  Nowadays, I do ask myself in any situation if I’ve done what I reasonably can in any situation, and I look to see where the other person is meeting me.  If I don’t feel they’re meeting me or making a reasonable effort, then I move on.  Even if they are making a reasonable effort, but it isn’t what I need right now, then I move on and conclude that it isn’t a match.  Sometimes we outgrow friendships, change what’s important to us in life, etc.

          I found myself unexpectedly single with a 15 month old baby a little over  a year ago, and six months later I found love.  I’m not perfect and he’s not perfect, but we are both patient with each other and incredibly generous with each other and meet in the middle all the time.  I was the single mother of a not yet 2 year old baby when I met my current boyfriend.  I am a full-time student, and I also work part-time, and my boyfriend and I live an hour away from each other.  I focused on finding a balance between my schedule and carving time out for my boyfriend, including making sure my son’s father stuck to the days he was supposed to be with our son.  And we spend a lot of time appreciating each other for the little things, and if we feel that one of us is unfair to the other, then we bring it up in a sensitive way.  But overall, we don’t sweat the small stuff.  I definitely got lucky finding this man, and he feels the same way about me.  And, another thing that helped me find love was something Evan writes about on this blog, which is that when you meet someone who doesn’t show up in the way you would reasonably like, you can only just move on to the next person.  That included my son’s father, as well as some dates and prospective dates.  It was very important to me to find someone who was generous, consistent, wouldn’t sweat the small stuff with me, and also was age-appropriate and that we would both be generous with each other, without sacrificing our own lives, and when a date or prospective date wasn’t consistent, or something else that didn’t feel right, I just let them know that I appreciated getting to know them but that it wasn’t the right opportunity for me, and just moved on.

        7. Adrian

          Karmic Equation,

          I agree with about 85-90% of what you are saying (a discussion for another time)

          and in the context of your point

          I agree 100%.

          But…

          I think you took Erin’s statement out of context.

          To me, she was saying that she does all the things Evan says a woman should to keep a man happy and be successful in dating

          NOT

          that she does them all at the same time or that she does them too much.

          She is not overfunctioning… Though I could be the one taking her words out of context.

        8. Nissa

          Erin,

          You might read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by Robert Glover, which explains this dynamic well. Glover has dubbed the “Nice Guy Syndrome” trying too hard to please others while neglecting one’s own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness.

          In other words, all that giving by you leaves them no space to breathe and they experience this as crowding, unpleasant, controlling behavior. This turns perfectly nice people into people who flee when they see you coming; you in turn have no idea why no one ever gives to you. (I mean “you” in the broad sense, not you individually). It turns out people actually like you better when they do you a favor. By depriving them of this, it again creates the opposite of what you want.

          Doubtful? Act differently and observe the effects.

        9. Agni

          Erin, I think the problem is looking at man as “good man or bad man”. I try to look at the man as a person. And where the click is. And how much we can enjoy each other together. I am a foreigner and after I came to the US I’ve noticed that rules are a little different here and some guys are not so much into a super cavalier mode. And I do need that cavalier style. So I told whats important for me and what are my expectation. Some of them I got met some not, but yes, I did start to receive coffee and juices to bed (although it wasn’t a usual behavior for them), vacations and good quality converstations from my last two long term partners. I wasn’t treated as a princess like in some fairy tale with all my wimps being catered to, but I couldn’t say anything bad about these people, who tried their best to adjust and work with me. At the end one of them said, thank you, you made me more of a man. True, I am not with them anymore, but thats probably more of my issues. Good luck.

    2. 2.2
      Rebecca

      I totally agree that these are unreasonable expectations. You EXPECT your boyfriend to treat you with respect and honesty and it’s a GIFT when he surprises you with breakfast in bed. I don’t know very many men (or women) who would be anxious to be in a relationship where they were expected to show up in this way day in and day out. I also have very few experiences of men (or women) who don’t actively seek out ways to make their significant other happy. If what makes you happy is gifts of service, early in a relationship when your guy is trying to impress you, he’ll try something like this, you’ll light up with pleasure, and he’ll think “a-ha” and keep doing it as long as he’s invested in the relationship.
      I wake up and eat breakfast hours before my boyfriend comes out of his coma and I could not be less about a bath and glass of wine, but there are few things that enrich my life more than his listening to me vent (and not preaching even when I’m being unreasonable); his taking me out dancing (even though I suck and he’s really good); his constant search for new places and activities to pique my curiosity; his warm body next to me in bed (and all the yummy precursor activities); his trusting me, having my back and being my best friend.
      I love to disagree with Evan, but his point absolutely stands on this one: there are advantages to having a partner who is the most important person in your world and who makes it clear from his behavior that you are the most important in his, and there’s really nothing else that can take the place of that primary relationship. People who believe that they’re just as happy alone probably aren’t spending their time on websites like this one, anyway.

    3. 2.3
      J

      Many of those men go on unappreciated and get divorced. That’s when you snag them up 😉

       

    4. 2.4
      Mike

      I’ll be brutally honest here, the ladies talk a lot about wanting Prince Charming, but in reality they have a tendancy to have dumped many Princes’ for the Black Knights. Second time around guys who have taken the time to work on their issues and become comfortable on their own again know this and are far less likely to invest much effort unless it’s reciprocated.

       

       

    5. 2.5
      Abigail

      I usually just lurk around here but this time I have to comment.

      Yes it’s absolutely possible! It really surprised me too, because my boyfriend seemed like such a gruff guy on the outside. Recently I had my birthday but I had to be out of the country. Without my knowledge, he got me my birthday present, and learned to make my favorite dish, and paid for an activity I’d always wanted to do with him. Oh and he makes me breakfast all the time. Once I had to get up early to get something done. I woke up at 3 AM. I woke him up accidentally so I went into the kitchen to avoid doing that some more. He realized I was gone, couldn’t sleep, so he got up and started making me coffee. He kept making me coffee until I was done and our eyes were both glazed over from sleeplessness. He’s done so many things to make me melt, sometimes I look at him and I wonder what I did to deserve him. But whatever it is, it must be something right.

    6. 2.6
      S. Olivia

      Hi Erin, I’ve just read your comment, and I couldn’t agree more with you! I honestly wished that the men that Evan describes, existed in real life…although we both know that they are very, very rare, if they even exist at all…I too have never experienced any of the treatment and behaviours from a man that Evan is suggesting could be possible. I, like yourself however, continue to enjoy reading his blog, and learning from him. Good luck in your search for a nice man! x

  3. 3
    Andrea Franco

    I have had this internal debate so many times!  Passing up great guys because of fear… thinking it’s safer to be alone and “stress-free.”  You hit the nail on the head for me.

  4. 4
    Stacy

    Oh yeah,

    And I DONT do laundry…the most he will get is a good meal once in a while and the occasional massage.

    But when he is around me, I am super easy going, we have loads of fun, I make him feel good and he gets great sex.

    I will not do laundry until there is a ring on my finger. But that is just me.

  5. 5
    Jenn

    “Praying for a man will not deliver you a man. God isn’t Federal Express.”

    Preach, brother! 😆 I of course, have heard that saying many times, and told myself that very thing. I admit I have taken an extended hiatus from dating this past year due to burnout, so my perpetual singleness is my responsibility. I do sometimes wish I could just meet guys in the course of my daily life.

    BUT, that’s not going to happen and I do know that. I have to work on getting out a lot more. As one of my favorite comedic actors, the great Eddie Murphy, so eloquently espoused in the classic “Coming to America”: “You got to git out ‘n’ look, dey ain’ gon’ jus’ fall in ya lap!”.

    Or in my case, since I’m a more traditional woman and thus prefer being pursued, I like the equally-loud-and-funny-but-much-cleaner Pastor Mark Gungor’s advice: “If ya wanna find someone, ya gotta go out and get FOUND!”.

  6. 6
    Caroline

    Erin-I’m sorry you’re having this experience. I want you to know there are guys out there who really do sweet things. My guy mowed my lawn while I was out in medical leave. He brings me cups of hot tea in the winter at work and bottles of water in the summer. He takes me out once a week (we see each other 2-3 times a week). He occasionally allows me to pay the tip. We split our vacation expenses down the middle. I cook for him about every other week. It’s really the thought in it all to me. We always have pretty great sex but it’s not in exchange for thoughtfulness; we enjoy each other and share it. We connect and definitely share intimacy. I’ve been challenged pretty hard to lose weight (due to an illness). He cheers me on.

  7. 7
    Elle

    In the vein of some finding relationships and some not, have other women on this forum encountered once entering a healthy relationships, the discovery that some single girlfriends in their circle actually have very bitter mindsets regarding relationships, men, dating, marriage.

     

    I did not notice it, however, most of my girlfriends have been single for nearly a decade, me 3 years (with a few short term dating relationships). I believe in keeping a relationship private, not a secret, so I do not go on and on.. however, notice two seem to bait in conversation almost seeking out information or details to sabatoge or be able to cite, “see! Just like my ex husband or boyfriend “.

     

    I wonder if over time, they’ve hardened in distrust, hope and desire for a healthy relationship and partner.

    Thoughts?

    1. 7.1
      Kyra

      I wonder if over time, they’ve hardened in distrust, hope and desire for a healthy relationship and partner.”

      Single woman here. Single 10 years (technically, except for an off/on relationship with an avoidant it took a long time to even use the term “girlfriend or ex-girlfriend” to describe me). To answer your question bluntly and honestly, yes. 

      I’ve personally gotten to a point I don’t discuss dating or relationships with partnered friends. Not that I see my partnered/married friends much anymore, because their time, theirr priorities and their conversations have shifted, which is natural and expected. I used to have a couple of groups of friends (all married) I used to go out with. I’ve since stopped. Their dialogue was much different than mine. Men were a concrete entity in their lives and they spoke about them as a present entity. I can only see, view and speak of men as a past experience or a future hope. So… the conversations begin to differ greatly, as you somewhat pointed out in your post.

      But, our perspective of your conversation is changes as ell. What we begin to hear  is a woman who had similar views as us after experiencing bouts of singlehood or bad dates/bad men do a 180 degree shift. When you have a man arrive that comes into your life that gives you love and the opportunity to love suddenly the single experiences or bad dates/bad men suddenly don’t seem to have even happened. The narrative changes from “It’s tough out there. I’m so tired of dating and meeting bad men” to “It’s not that bad out there! If I can find it, you can too!”  I think the perspective of each individual just changes from where they currently are and the sort of relationship (or non-relationship) they are experiencing.

      I’ve had this happen a lot, because as the decade passes every woman I know gets married, but I stay single. I’ve even had friends marry and tell me they no longer want me to talk to them about being single. One even banned me from coming to her home for “girl talk” which would, of course, include men and dating, something she no longer chooses or wishes to discuss. My life no longer mirrors theirs so my personal views or feelings on men are not something they can, at this time in their life, understand or share. Same as I can’t with theirs where it currently stands. It’s a natural progression, I think.

      Some women will find love. Some women won’t.

      I think it’s a healthy mindset for both sets of women to accept and respect this reality and be open to both the positive and negative speech their friends from both realms of this reality need to speak about. Unfortunately, that isn’t the way it usually goes down.

      1. 7.1.1
        KK

        I agree Kyra, 100%

      2. 7.1.2
        Emily

        “One even banned me from coming to her home for “girl talk” which would, of course, include men and dating, something she no longer chooses or wishes to discuss.”

        I think it can be difficult to relate to married women if you are single. That part of their personality, the desire to be partnered, is satiated, while for you it is still something you search for. I do have one married friend who still wants to go out–and by out I mean clubs or bars, not lunch at noon on a Saturday–but a lot of times married women have no interest in doing anything anymore. At least with their friends. Well, fun things. If you want to go to the mall, they’re in.

        1. Caroline

          @Kyra and Emily-I also believe partnered friends can seem to be unwilling to discuss the single life. But I think if you were banned more than once-well it may be a sign of negativity on your part. I know when I first divirced, married friends would invite me to their gatherings and usually had a “potential romantic partner” there for me. It usually turned out badly. I just hadn’t healed yet. Luckily, I went off on my own, taking time to work on myself. Regretfully, I lost many married friends but I also found many new ones becoming the person I am today. I think it’s wise to share your struggles with someone in the same boat and be private about it. You can let her vent too. You can really immerse yourself in negativity if you let yourself-becoming a real “Debbie Downer”!

          i think it’s key to become happy in life by yourself. I don’t think you can share a happy relationship with a partner until you are happy alone.

        2. Emily

          Caroline,

          I have been to those events where married friends rather boorishly shove the one single man in the room at you. It is SO awkward, and people seem annoyed if you aren’t jumping at the chance to him.

          I just think there is a huge cultural/lifesytle difference between people who are unmarried, without kids and those with partners and a family. It can be difficult (though not impossible) to bridge the chasm.

           

        3. Russell

          @Emily,

           

          Yes, those are awkward situations, and are no better for the man than the woman.  You go along with it just to make other people happy.  The worst is when the person is just taking it on themselves to play matchmaker.  I don’t ever want to be introduced to a woman who does not want to be introduced.  It is much much much different if the woman comes to me and says, “Somebody wants to meet you.”   If the woman has asked to be introduced, that is so much different.  At the same time, give me a chance to decide if I want to be introduced.  Tell me who it is…point them out, and let me decide if I would also like an introduction.   In many ways, this is very refreshing because there won’t be any games.  The cat is out of the bag.  You are both interested, so now you can just relax and get to the business of getting to know each other.

           

          For this reason, if I were at a party and saw a woman that intrigued me, and I knew a woman that she seemed to know, I would tell that woman that I am interested, and ask her to ask the woman if she is interested in being introduced.  Though, to be honest, I normally just introduce myself, if I can.  But, there are situations where it would be better for both if you do ask for the introduction.  If she is a social butterfly, and is never without the company of several people, it will be less awkward for everybody if the mutual friend pulls her to the side and asks her.  This way nobody is made to feel awkward in front of a lot of people.  The same would hold true if it were a woman asking to be introduced.

           

          So to summarize, being asked, “Would you like me to introduce you to that person,” is fine, but only if that person also wants to be introduced to you.  Or being on the second part of that, and being asked, “That person wants to meet you, would you like me to introduce you to them?”  Both fine.  But just coming up and saying, “I want to introduce you to somebody,” and then pulling you off into the crowd, and suddenly you are in front of somebody being introduced…no…just no.  You are literally being put on the spot.  Not good at all.

        4. Emily

          Russell,

          I’m sure it is just as awkward for the man. I am talking about a situation where someone comes up to you and asks “Would you like to be introduced to somebody?” and the man in question is standing 3 feet away. What are you supposed to say? No? He’s probably been dragged over to meet you. And the thing is — Neither party asked for the introduction. I just came to the party to have a good time! If there was someone I wanted to talk to, I would have introduced myself.

           

           

           

        5. Adrian

          Emily and Rusty,

           

          I was recently told of a story with that exact situation.

           

          Neither the man nor the woman, knew their hosts were trying to set them up.

           

          She saw him before he saw her, and she was (in her words) very attracted to him, as they walked her over they even gave her a little background on his high status job, the many countries he has visited, his impressive athletic hobbies, and his numerous academic accomplishments, which increased her attraction more.

           

          Sadly, he was not at all attracted to her, and though he was very friendly, he later told the host couple in confidence that he did not find her physically attractive “At All!”

           

          They told her what he said later, which was a blow to her self-esteem. I think the blow was so hard to her, because it took her by surprise.

           

          She said the whole night, she and he laughed and talked for hours, she really enjoyed his company and it had been years since she met a man who she was both physically and mentally attracted to.. She believed he was as attracted to her as she was to him.

           

          In my opinion this woman (in her mid 40s), is not ugly, though she has a noticeable gut (though she is not fat), a few sporadic gray hairs, and more than a few crows feet.

           

          I would say she is plain looking, or average looking, but not ugly. However, from the way she talked about him, he did seem out of her league.

           

          So I am wondering if this guy was just really handsome  or if he was someone who because of all his academic accomplishments and high paying job, believed that deserved to be dating a model?

           

          I hope not, at 40+, you would think he would be old enough to know that looks don’t matter as much as having someone you can talk to for hours and actually enjoy yourself doing it.

           

          I don’t know, but I do know that as a result of that, she refuses to talk to a guy unless he approaches her first, that way she said that at least she will know that he is really interested and not just being friendly.

          …   …   …

          Stories like this, help me when I start to feel bitter that men are the only ones who have to take all the risk in approaching in the beginning.

           

          It reminds me that women are just as afraid of rejection as we men are. Though this knowledge does little to bridge the equality gap in who takes more risk (men) in the first stages of courting.

           

          Though complaining about what is and what is not fair, will not improve anything and only will give me an aura of negativity.

           

          So accepting the rules of dating and then doing what works is the best course of action.

        6. Emily

          Adrian,

          Yes, sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is being friendly … or FRIENDLY, if you know what I mean. Maybe the hosts of the party could have found a way to tell her he wasn’t interested in a slightly less harsh way. He probably should have excused himself after a few minutes of chit-chat if he wasn’t interested. Talking to her for hours gave her the wrong impression.

          Attraction is a strange thing, and there is no accounting for it.

          I will approach a man, but I try to be very cognizant of his response. If I don’t get much back, I leave him alone. I don’t mind a man approaching me, but I wish he would pay more attention to how I respond. I think one of the bad lessons society teaches men is that, if they keep trying with a woman, she will eventually agree to a date.

        7. Joe

          Well, it certainly was a faux pas for them to tell her he’d said he didn’t find her attractive at all.

    2. 7.2
      Adrian

      Emily,

       

      You are the rare unicorn; a woman who ask guys out first.

       

      After re-reading dozens of old comments on various other post by Evan, Karl R, Karmic Equation, Tom10 and many others, I will take back my statement about men taking all the risk in the beginning being unfair.

       

      With that said, Emily, I think you should let men be the ones to approach you, ask you out, and court you. To quote Tom10, “this site is not about what is fair, but what is effective”.

       

      If not that many men are asking you out, I think you should start placing yourself in situations where they can. If the majority of men who are asking you out are men you don’t want, then I think  you should find a way to filter them out. If you don’t like the idea of waiting for a guy to make the first move, become better at catching men’s attention and giving off subtle cues that give him permission to approach.

       

      Also be prepared to reject a lot of guys. Most happily married, or just happily dating women, had to go through years of rejecting undesirable men before they found the right guy. Those same happily married or happily dating men, had to go through years of being rejected before they met a woman who made all the no’s worth it.

       

      Unlike the movies, real happy endings are the result of hard, consistent work, and many, many failures.

      …   …   …

      I thought the same thing about the host bluntness. But I wasn’t there, so I don’t know if that is how they actually said it or just how she took it.

       

      I can’t say that I agree that he should have excused himself if he was not interested in her. If it was an enjoyable conversation, why should he stop it?

       

      True she got the wrong idea, but he did not lie to her, nor did he lead her on. It seems he was just enjoying good conversation. Her attraction for him is what made the situation seem like it was more than it actually was. Now, if she would have said that he flirted with her, then I would agree that he was wrong, but great conversation is still just conversation.

      1. 7.2.1
        Karl R

        Adrian said:

        “If the majority of men who are asking you out are men you don’t want, then I think  you should find a way to filter them out.”

        I may be misunderstanding what you’re recommending, but I think I disagree with you.

        When dating, you will either attract more men -or- fewer men.  (Adjust the gender as appropriate, but the same principle applies.)  Most of the people you attract will be the ones you don’t want.

        If you try to filter them out before you’re asked, that will backfire.  You’ll still get the same ratio … but there will be fewer men in total, and that includes fewer that you do want.

         

        The correct way to filter them out is by declining a date (or by declining another date).

        Another effective way to filter is by changing the dating environment.  The men at a professional organization meeting will be different than the men at a dive bar.  If one of those environments has more of the kind of men that you want, then the men that approach you will be pre-filtered because of the environment.

         

        Adrian said:

        “I can’t say that I agree that he should have excused himself if he was not interested in her. If it was an enjoyable conversation, why should he stop it?”

        I agree.  If he was at the party to enjoy himself, and if he was enjoying the conversation, then he had no reason to end it.

        1. Adrian

          Karl R,

          Another effective way to filter is by changing the dating environment.

          This is pretty much what I meant, thank you for clarifying.

           

          Emily, has stated that she does not date online, and many of her recent dates have been men at her job or low caliber men off the streets.

           

          I remembered that women use to always complain that men would never ask them out when they were dressed up, or dressed professionally, but when they were looking like they just woke up and rolled out of bed, they had to beat the guys off with a stick.

           

          From the dozens of stories from women of all ages, races, and social backgrounds, that I heard, having this similar same theme, I realized that just by the “pseudo” confidence these women projected from the way they dressed, there were filtering out a certain type of man.

           

          I agree Karl R, that women shouldn’t stop men from approaching, but from my observation, a woman projecting confidence scares off certain types of men.

        2. Emily

          Karl R.,

          “Another effective way to filter is by changing the dating environment.  The men at a professional organization meeting will be different than the men at a dive bar.  If one of those environments has more of the kind of men that you want, then the men that approach you will be pre-filtered because of the environment.” This is a very good suggestion. I like the idea of the environment acting as a filter.

      2. 7.2.2
        Emily

        Adrian,

        I don’t mind being called a rare unicorn! 🙂    But it’s been a while since I pursued anyone. I was shot down by someone I really liked (he was extremely flirtatious and the situation had gotten somewhat physical), which made me distrust men and my own  judgment. I know I need to get over it. I’m working on it.

        “If not that many men are asking you out, I think you should start placing yourself in situations where they can.”  Yes, I need to be more proactive. The men who do express interest are either too old (upwards of 2 decades) or socially a little off (middle-aged and still live at home). I need a change of venue.

        “If you don’t like the idea of waiting for a guy to make the first move … ”
        I actually prefer that the guy makes the first move.

        “I can’t say that I agree that he should have excused himself if he was not interested in her. If it was an enjoyable conversation, why should he stop it?” In reading your thoughts about this as well as Karl R.’s, I am inclined to agree. 

         

         

  8. 8
    SMC

    Erin, the good guys ARE out there, I promise.  I, too, used to overfunction thinking that was the way to a man’s heart but discovered by reading Evan’s posts and the comments that follow that overfunctioning is going about things in the wrong way.  It’s hard for me to hold back, but I make myself do it anyway and have found it has improved my 10-month relationship for the better.  My guy isn’t much of a talker, I don’t hear a lot of sweet nothings come out of his mouth, but he shows me by his actions how he feels about me.  We live an hour apart and I have to leave his house by 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. to get home in time to get ready for work, and he always gets up and makes me a cup of coffee for the road even though I try to tiptoe out without waking him up.  He fixes things around my house unasked.  He cooks for me.  He stocks up on paper goods for me from Sam’s (paper towels, toilet paper, etc.).  He keeps my dog so I don’t have to pay to board her.  These might not seem “romantic” in the classic sense, but they thrill me to the core because they indicate a deep thoughtfulness, and I reciprocate by cooking for him when he comes down, helping him fold his laundry when I’m up there, etc.  But I don’t overdo it.  I don’t actually DO his laundry (he wouldn’t let me anyway), I rarely pay for anything (he won’t let me), but I do show my appreciation by giving him softness and warmth, non-jealous friendship, and yep, as much sex as he wants.

    They’re out there, the good guys, you just need to lean back and let them show themselves to you when you find someone who interests you.  Best of luck, Erin.  I hope to see you comment in the future when you’ve found one of them.  🙂

    1. 8.1
      Joe

      I sometimes wonder whether all the “bad” men that women supposedly say are out there are just men with different love languages than that of those women.  For example, if you, SMC, were the kind of woman who needed her man to whisper sweet nothings, you might consider your man to be “bad” even though he’s not.

      1. 8.1.1
        SMC

        I agree, Joe, in that different people have different love languages.  I’ve had the “sweet nothings” said to me, and they’re lovely, but then I consider that those men are now exes, so evidently it’s not sweet nothings that are as important to me as kindness and thoughtfulness and respect, which of course I return in spades (Golden Rule here).  Evan said it in his book WHD that (and I’m paraphrasing here) being treated well makes one want to treat that person as well, if not better, and my man’s behavior is the perfect illustration.  At first I thought “why doesn’t he say sweet things that men say,” but every time I’d get my nose out of joint, I’d look at his actions and realize that he WAS saying them, just not verbally.  He’s the strong, quiet type and I doubt if he ever WILL be very chatty when it comes to “love fluff,” but I’m ok with it.

        You’re absolutely right – love languages differ, and we need to be smart enough to pick up on them.  I’m glad I did.  We were supposed to go dancing tonight, but I’ve got a cough which requires a visit to the doctor, and when I told him that I wouldn’t be able to go but didn’t want him to miss the lesson, he instead said he’d come down and change my locks instead.  What a man.

        For the record, I’ve never classified my exes as being “bad,” we just didn’t fill each other’s needs.  If I had known then what I’ve since learned from Evan, they wouldn’t be exes because I’d have steered clear.  But they’re not bad, just not good for me.

  9. 9
    Jan

    You are making conclusions and assumptions about happiness based on your own personal beliefs of what happiness means and entails.  There are plenty of monks and nuns out there who are likely happier than any of us within their highly attained spirituality, but they are not spending their time chasing down a mate.  Happiness is personal.  And I do not believe that another human being is going to give me all that happiness.  It comes from within.  Just my two cents worth. 🙂

    1. 9.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Actually, I’m making conclusions based on numerous studies that illustrate that happily married people are the happiest people of all. Feel free to search the Marriage archives on here to check out a few of those studies.

      1. 9.1.1
        ColdTruth

        Where does that leave people who won’t ever experience a happy marriage?  You can work on yourself,put lots of effort into meeting someone, and still die alone having never come close to finding what you wanted and needed most.  I’m sorry I didn’t put the money I wasted on dating sites into an investment fund instead, at least then I’d have something of value to show for it now. I used to believe in the power of attraction. Now I believe in either you’re lucky or you’re not.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          Your two false beliefs (the power of attraction and luck) best explain why you’re single. Good luck with that philosophy. Subscribe if you want more out of life.

    2. 9.2
      Kiwi

      Jan, there are many studies out there and books on happiness. Interestingly men are often cited as the happiest in a happy marriage and their health is better.

      Ive meet many people who told me that nuns were bitter and very physically abusive and punishing. We all know about Catholic priests and their abuse of children so I don’t think using them is the model of happiness and being well adjusted is a good example.

  10. 10
    Angela

    Hi Evan, is this offer open to your UK readers also?

    1. 10.1
      cindyp

      Absolutely!

    2. 10.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      Yes, Believe in Love is available around the world for 50% off this week.

  11. 11
    Janene (soon to be) Cooper

    A friend reposted a meme from Evan that really struck me and I began following him. His clear and simple explanations of why I was heartbroken…again and what to do right, changed everything for me.

    I realized that I was attracted to what I always thought to be “alpha males.” They weren’t really alpha at all. They were mean and I didn’t know how to spot the difference. Once I started looking for love the right way, i.e. not expecting fireworks and explosion’s to signal when I made a match, I began judging the inbetween dates behavior, making note of what he brought to the table as a good partner. When I looked for a man that way I ended up with exactly what you’d expect, a GREAT man!

    When I’m sick, he asks if he can stop at the store to get me anything. He rubs my back all the time.  Cooks dinner, sends flowers, proclaims his love for me publicly. He’s that man that does give me three screaming orgasms and spoons with me all night.   He’s a good man and a nice man and I would have overlooked him had I not listened to Evan.  He got on both knees and asked me to marry him in January. We are eloping on the 29th of February and I couldn’t be happier coupled if I tried! I’ve privately messaged Evan to thank him before but once again Evan, thank you for putting out there the information that we women needed to hear!

  12. 12
    Marie

    Evan, your advice is spot on.  I am sure Believe in Love is fantastic. My husband is wonderful. For our second wedding anniversary he surprised me with a weekend in Vegas which he planned all by himself. He even say through Celine Dion and an entire spa day with a couples massage and couples mani pedi. He does wonderful things all the time. I’m so grateful to have him.  Wouldn’t have happened without you to keep me grounded.

     

    Erin-please stop doing things for men you don’t think appreciate it or reciprocate. (“…to and for men who would never think to do any of these things.”)  That’s called over functioning and will attract the wrong men or just drive the good ones away.  It’s claustrophobic.

  13. 13
    Dawn

    Like Erin many years ago I did all and got nothing in return. I’d cater to him, pay for dates (often pay for him), do things like help with his laundry, babysit if he had kids (I no longer date dads so not an issue now), even have sex earlier than I wanted etc. The result? I am 45 and unmarried. Plain and simple I got used. I admit I was stupid to cater to men who had no intention of ever committing to me. The worst was when I saw a few of them actually commit to the next woman they dated after me. I was prettier than their never women, and probably did more but they didn’t care. I wish I had realized all of this when I was younger. I face a possibility of never finding anyone because of choosing the wrong men. The irony is most of these losers (and they were) is that they were way below my standards. One was an obese con artist for example.

    I’ve tried online dating to little success. I’ve done the singles groups, joining activities for fun and I meet great people just not the one. It’s to the point that no one in my family expects me to ever marry. I mean, my parents had money set aside for a wedding but they are just going to give to me since they expect I will remain a spinster. I suspect this is the case as well. While I just never met great guys for the most part, I also wasted too much time on trashy losers who were mean and did things like attack my weight (I was actually thin then as I was a model), or tell me I was just a sex partner. However, at the time I just wanted a boyfriend very badly and low self esteem and felt that was all I could get. No, all that is left it seems are damaged goods or men who don’t want relationships. I seem to come across bitter men who got stung by a wife they hate women (I generally avoid divorced men), men who cheated on their exes, etc. I prefer never married, childless men but many of them either don’t want relationships or want younger or have mental problems like the divorced men. Single dads have way too much baggage, no thanks. I wish I could tell my younger self to pick wiser but I’ve become used to the idea of being alone.

  14. 14
    Adrian

    I find myself envying my little (23 yr old) brother lately.

    He is what many women would consider a pretty boy and because of this

    he  has many women chasing him. Actually, he is almost a

    dead ringer for Cristiano Ronaldo.

     

    Now, personally I think I look better, and I am more successful, but what I envy is his ability to

    just date regardless of the feelings of women he plays.

    As I said, many women approach him, so he always has different women

    in his bed each night

    especially since he long-term girlfriend left for NYC

    in pursuit of a modeling career.

    Most of them, he is not even attracted to. Yet, I see them doing all the things that Erin mentioned,

    for him, and I wish I had that apathy toward dating.

     

    But every time I am in a situation where I feel the woman is feeling more for me, and I don’t see a future, I end it; without trying to sleep with her first,

    so I’m still single, while he has a bed full of hot women.

    I am not saying that I am noble and he is not, I am just saying that,

    people who can date for the sole purpose of just having fun, and not trying to plan

    future seem to reap more benefits.

     

    I guess in the end, we all want our sacrifices for love to be worth it.

    1. 14.1
      Callie

      Absolutely! Not caring about the feelings of others in any way can totally reap rewards especially if your goals are relatively shallow, ie: All I want is fun and pleasure and to satisfy my wants.

      It all depends on your goals. If you want to just sleep with as many attractive women as possible and that’s all that matters, then that is a doable goal (harder for people not as attractive, but one of the most successful men I knew at this was not at all typically good looking. But man was he funny and charming.). If you want love and a relationship and mutual respect and trust, well then . . . you need to use other tactics.  And quite frankly, it’s way harder to do the latter than the former. And can often feel far less rewarding because rewards are harder earned (in my opinion they also make the rewards when earned all the sweeter). Why do you think so many people in the American Banking system are criminals? It’s easy, it gets them what they want, and they don’t give a crap about anyone else. And so can you if you want.

      So I guess the question is: what kind of benefits are you saying he reaps more of? Sex? Sure. Fun, maybe, depends how you define fun. Respect? Nope. Kindness? Nope. Decency? Nope. If you think going through life being a horrible person and treating people horribly (btw, I would have no issue with your brother except he clearly leads these women on by letting them dote on him, women only dote on men they want a future with, and is cheating on his girlfriend – unless they have an arrangement, do they? If he was open and honest and let them know he was just in it for sex and was seeing different girls every night then I wouldn’t care as much) is worth it for other benefits, go forth. But I think the benefit you get by being a decent person is pretty great as well.

      It’s all about choice and preferences and priorities. You can absolutely start emulating your brother, and quite frankly if you discover you enjoy it, then I think you know where your priorities lies.

    2. 14.2
      Emily

      Adrian,

      “But every time I am in a situation where I feel the woman is feeling more for me, and I don’t see a future, I end it; without trying to sleep with her first.”

      You are demonstrating what I call sexual responsibility. You don’t use women to massage your own ego or fill or void until something better come along. You are a person of principle and you will meet a woman who respects you for it.

    3. 14.3
      Christine

      Adrian, I wouldn’t envy your younger brother too much.  How can you know for certain that he’s necessarily happier than you?  I can tell you that the few casual flings I’ve had felt good at the moment, but left me feeling very empty afterwards.  My male friends have told me the same thing.  Your brother might also feel that way (especially since he isn’t even attracted to some of them.  I don’t see what there is to envy about sleeping with someone you don’t even feel attraction for)

      That sort of bed-hopping gets very old, very fast, which is why I didn’t do much of it.  It may not feel like it right now, but all the things you’re doing to learn and grow are valuable stepping stones towards a relationship.  Since your brother hasn’t dated with an eye towards commitment, he’s not developing the skills and decisionmaking conducive to building long term relationships.  And as he ages and starts losing his looks, even those offers for casual flings will start to decrease.  If anything, I’d actually be more worried for him, than envious of him.  What he’s doing now isn’t the path to long term fulfillment.

      I was once where you were and can honestly say that all the short term sacrifices I made were more than worth it for the committed love I have now.  Keep the faith!

       

      1. 14.3.1
        McLovin

        Hmmmmm, one brother has a different beautiful woman in his bed every night, and women throwing themselves at him, while putting in little or no effort.

         

        The other brother struggles mightily with an outdated “courting” model that positions him as cannon fodder and a walking wallet, subject to the fleeting whims of strong, independent “modern” (lol) women. All the while, he spends large portions of his day on an obscure blog for women, vociferously proclaiming how awesome and correct the “courting” model is, while readily admitting that this method has led him to exactly zero sexual relationships.

         

        Yeah, it’s hard to guess who’s happier.

  15. 15
    Reality

    Many women nowadays are very selfish and spoiled which has a lot to do with it since many of them have their careers today which many of the women really believe that they’re God’s gift to men with a very bad attitude problem which they really have these days since it is a real turn off for many of us men.

  16. 16
    Moomin

    Hi,

    I was in a toxic marriage for 6 years, it was a horrible experience and I dumped his vile ass March 2014 and am now divorced.  I have been to counselling, joining new classes, enroled at University, and am feeling like a brand new person.  I have dated on and off for  a year and it always ends in disappointment and they disappear, I have tried different ways off dating, over texting (fail), barely texting, no sex, sex in the 1st date, not paying for dates to paying for meals. Seems I cannot win whatever I do. They all say i’m a really nice person, very attractive, sexy, easy to talk to and they feel comfortable around me and like being with me but end up coming out with big belter off an excuses as to why they can’t commit full time, family illness where they have to take care off them, to not being in a good place in their head.

    I try not to take the rejection personally, and it annoys me how some say ‘i want to stay in touch’. I bid them farewell, wish them well and always say to myself ‘i give up i’d rather be single than keep constantly being rejected’. I think i’m a catch, why can’t men see that? I’m low maintenance, do my own thing, definately not needy. Who knows maybe the one I do really like will get back in touch…who knows.  But as it stands i’m getting to the point where I really can’t be bothered dating anymore. How come the crazy unhinged people always seem to be in relationships but ‘normal’ free spirited chilled out people like me struggle to even get a text back? ha ha.

  17. 17
    James

    Well when it comes to finding real true love which millions and millions of people on this earth just happened to be very very extremely lucky finding the love of their life which unfortunately many of us just weren’t at all so far but we’re very much hoping too.  A very different time that we live in today certainly very much adding to the problem for many of us good men really looking for a relationship now and really don’t play any head games just like many of these very stupid women now are playing.  Most women nowadays are very childish and still need to grow up which they still haven’t yet since most of these women are now so very picky and are really looking for a rich type of a man to spend money on them all the time anyway.  And these type of women that are really like this today are such users and losers as well to begin with.  It is a real shame for many of us men that just keep meeting these kind of women all the time and God forbid if we ever met a good normal one for a change which would be a real miracle for us too.  Most women today have really changed for the worst of all which is the real problem right there since this society now is at its lowest level that its ever been in years unfortunately.  With most  women now being so very greedy, selfish, and very spoiled really tells the whole story since they will only want the very best of all and of course they will never settle for less at all.  And now with all of these reality TV shows that they now have on which even made it worse altogether now since this has really corrupted many of these women’s minds now too.  Just too many women now that act like real princesses which they’re certainly Not at all which i am very sorry to disappoint you ladies which most of these women too unfortunately really think that they’re God’s gift too men which is a real joke.  It is very obvious to me why there are so many of us single men now since most of these women are very much to blame for this mess now since it does really take two too tango.

    1. 17.1
      Kath

      James … Hopefully you are out of the dating pool .. perhaps your poor outlook of women is based on the type of woman YOU have selected in the past

      1. 17.1.1
        James

        To Kath,  Well i know i made this comment a while ago but what i have said is the very truth since today unfortunately it is very difficult time for many of us men really looking for love since there are many of us very good men out there that would really know how to treat a good woman with a lot of love and respect.  Most women today are certainly not like the old days when they were quite different than today which made it very easy back then finding love back then.  I always was hoping to find that special woman for me to settle down with to have a family since i know friends that are going through the very same thing right now as well.  Many women nowadays are going for the very bad boy type of men since many of them really like a challenge i guess which i will never understand anyway.  It is very obvious why our family members were very lucky back then since like i just mentioned it was a very completely different time for them which made it happen for them.  So it is the women of today why many of us men will blame them which i know friends that totally agree with me as well.  Now i was married once before and i was a very good husband to my Ex wife since i was a very caring, loving, husband to her which i had a lot of respect for her as well as being very committed to her too.  But it still wasn’t good enough for that low life pathetic loser since she Cheated on me which devastated me thinking at that time that i had finally found the right woman to spend the rest of my life with to have a family as well which wasn’t the case unfortunately.  Now single again and at my age it is worse being in my early sixties with even no children to fall back on either.  But i will still never give up on finding love again.  Peace.

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