Xmas Update

So I’m hanging out at Mom’s and finally have a spare second to catch my breath. I was thinking of writing a focused article about dating, but, for now, I’m just going to muse on a whole bunch of random things. That IS what people do in blogs, is it not?

Okay, in no particular order:

1) I just talked with one of my mom’s friends who is hesitant to date online. And who could blame her – all she hears are tales of liars. Strangely, while we were talking, as if it was scripted, I got a call from a sixtiesh year old-woman whose profile has a photo that looks like it could have been ripped out of an LL Bean catalog…from 1985. She swears that it was just taken a few years ago – and who am I to argue? I just feel bad that she thinks that she has to lie to me when I’m trying to work with her. Can’t help those who don’t help themselves, I suppose.

2) Last week I consulted with a client who wasn’t feeling too good about himself. And what a shame – this guy is a really nice guy who’s sincere about wanting to find a serious relationship. He’s just lost his “game” and feels ill-equipped to contact women until he’s confident again.

The thing about confidence though? It’s pretty much a state of mind. Which is to say that I’m almost the exact same person I was when I was depressed and unemployed four years ago. And yet I FEEL totally different. This gap is not something that is arbitrarily bridged; after all, external circumstances do a lot to dictate our moods. I just think that there’s some solace in knowing that even if your confidence ebbs and flows, it doesn’t change who you are on the inside or outside. By reminding my client that he was the same great guy who had previous successful relationships with attractive women, I hope I was able to tap into his inner reservoir of self-esteem – that part that looks in the mirror and smiles, that part that feels that he’s smarter, kinder and funnier than other guys out there. I think that most of us know that we’re worthy, but struggle to make sense of things when life doesn’t seem to agree.

This pertains to online dating in that you’ll only be valued as much as you value yourself. Carry yourself without confidence, people will flee. This doesn’t mean having an attitude, as much as it means not to get rattled when things don’t go your way. Every time you contact someone, it should be under the pretense that you WILL be written back – even if you know the odds are not in your favor. Subtle tones of confidence, especially in email, send strong messages. And believe me, if you’re insecure, people will pick up on that as well. So tone down the long intro emails where you overpraise the person you’re contacting and oversell yourself. Concentrate on making a cute remark and throwing the ball into their court. Don’t overxplain, always leave ’em wanting more. People have been doing this stuff for eons; no reason to reinvent the wheel for the 21st century.

3) I’m VERY excited for 2006. I have a few media appearances scheduled for January, including a profile makeover segment on the Today Show on 1/11. Also launching a new online magazine for JDate called JMag that should appear within the first two weeks of the month. Partnering E-Cyrano with Mate1.com, and looking for new partners at the Internet Dating Conference in Miami on February 2. It’s all good, but really, all I want to do is get settled in my new apartment. Ahhhh, natural light….

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  1. 1

    Evan, you write: ” By reminding my client that he was the same great guy who had previous successful relationships ..”
    If this guy is a client of yours and therefore looking for love online, this means by definition (unless he is widowed) that he has NOT had previous successful relationships. If he did, he would be happily enjoying that success, not paying you.
    Maybe you can clarify how you define “successful relationship.” Sounds to me that his previous relationships have ALL been UNsuccessful. Otherwise, why is he here?

  2. 2

    I do think that marriage is a goal for most of us. By the same token, I don’t think that two people who don’t work out = failure. If you feel that the only successful relationships are the ones that end with a ring on the finger, then I can’t convince you otherwise. For me, any relationship that lasts for awhile, where there are no hard feelings, where I feel like I’ve learned, where I know that I’m a step closer to finding “the one”…This, to me, is successful, if not the pinnacle of success.

  3. 3

    Well, Evan, I thank you for posting my note and replying, even if not quite at Internet speed. Yes, you absolutely cannot convince me otherwise.

    I do believe that a relationship that doesn’t work out is a failure. I do not believe that the object of a relationship is to have it end at some future point. Sorry if you disagree.

    (This is not to say that a lousy relationship should continue. There are many middling relationships that should and do end, so we can perversely consider those successful. But that’s not what we are talking about here.)

    Actually, I think you are confusing “relationship” with “process.” I don’t think you mean to say that a relationship that ends (i.e. a failed relationship, to use a common phrase) has been successful. I suspect you mean that the process itself shows glimmers of hope: it’s not that our client has had previous successful relationships, but rather that he has successfully been able to establish relationships of some longevity, giving him empirical proof that he has the ability to do so.

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