Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave

Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave
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I’m still buzzing from the email that I got from my former client, Michelle. And let me say, that Michelle is one of my favorite clients ever.

Always good-humored, always confident, always present — and, most importantly, always coachable, Michelle saw instant results in working with me.

She attracted a man who was different than her previous boyfriends — and that’s exactly what she needed. After all, Michelle will be the first to tell you that she’s a bit of a handful. And after dominating (and losing respect) for her last guy, she craved the attention of a man who was a little more alpha.

Men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects — they bond with women who make them feel good.

She got him — and she got all the problems that come with being with such a man.

She couldn’t tell him what to do.

She couldn’t make him say that he loved her fast enough.

She couldn’t ensure that he wanted to stick around for the future.

Although Mark treated her great, he was still very much a MAN. Early 50’s, successful, busy, a divorced father of a teenaged son, he felt very fortunate to have landed a 33-year-old stunner like Michelle.

All of the stories that Michelle told me reiterated how much he valued her, and at the time that she gave me this testimonial that’s on my Private Coaching page, she was in a great comfort zone with Mark.

He treated her well, he told her he loved her, he put up with her self-proclaimed “brattiness,” and he alluded to a future together.
But all relationships have their challenges, and Mark and Michelle were no different.

The elephant in the room for this couple was that Michelle very much wants to have kids, while Mark never really anticipated that he’d be a father again in his 50’s.

While I was coaching Michelle through the first four months of their relationship (and intermittently in between), I cautioned her to NOT put any pressure on him about getting married and having kids. While theoretically, she could be “wasting” her time with him, my advice was to let him fall in love with her.

If he did, she would have a lot more leverage when the baby talk came up, as opposed to trying to extract an answer out of him in the early stages of the relationship.

This worked like a charm. Because really, it was no secret that Michelle wanted to be a Mom, and since Mark was a man of integrity, he wanted to do right by his girlfriend. He agreed, last July, to be the future father of her children.

Then he changed his mind a few months later.

No matter how much he loved Michelle, Mark just couldn’t pull the trigger on a second round of fatherhood, and they tearfully parted ways.

True love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life.

I was sad for Michelle, but very proud at how she handled herself. Despite her high-maintenance tendencies, she became better at understanding Mark’s needs and point of view, and created the healthiest relationship that she’d ever had before.

Every time she wanted to criticize him for how he handled his relationship with his son, or his ex-wife, or his boss, she remembered that men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects — they bond with women who make them feel good.

Most importantly, from our work together, Michelle knew that her future husband wants to be a dad, and thus, she had no regrets about walking away when she did.

That was the last I’d heard from Michelle. Until today.

Turns out that her breakup only lasted for one week.

Mark loved Michelle.

Her playfulness, her sexiness, and yes, even her attitude and mood swings. After spending a year and a half together, Mark realized that he couldn’t imagine life without her. Which is as it should be.

And while I give Michelle credit for becoming the woman that no man can ever leave, Michelle actually gives ME credit. Here’s a snippet of her note to me:

I asked him why he had a change of heart and finally came to this conclusion.   He said because he’s in love with me.  

I can’t tell you what this has done for me in this relationship.   I feel so relieved and at ease with it all.  

Evan, you taught me to be playful, lighthearted, patient, kind and compassionate.  

You’re an AMAZING (THE BEST) dating coach!

Thank you.   ”¨

Love,

Michelle

I love Michelle and I love this story.

A confident, successful, attractive woman in her mid-30s finds a masculine, confident man, wins him over with her feminine energy, and makes herself so indispensable to his life that he can’t imagine being without her.

I’m attending their wedding this summer in San Francisco and I couldn’t be more excited for the both of them.

Know that this is within your grasp and that true love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life like Michelle did.

Join our conversation (250 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 41
    Helen

    Also Evan, I see in your fifth paragraph of #40 that you make a distinction between reader questions and your clients’ stories. Now that you point it out, I can respect the difference between how these two should be responded to in general. But please understand that your readers generally wouldn’t have thought that they would have to change the tone of their comments for one type of entry vs. another – by and large, to us, an entry is an entry.

  2. 42
    Tina

    Hi,

    I’m a girl who wants to say something about this story – How amazing story!!

    I wish myself such kind love and i believe that love can exist between people of all ages.

    And I feel sorry that it looks like many people lost their faith in love.

    best regards,
    Tina

  3. 43
    AllenB

    Congrats to Michelle and her beau! I wish them happiness forever. 🙂

  4. 44
    Joe

    A few people get it, but the vast majority of you are missing the forest for the trees. The point of Evan’s post was not to show that 30-something women can grab 50-something men. The point was to illustrate that a woman who isn’t getting what she wants can walk away gracefully, and eventually end up getting what she wants.

    @ Mia #34:
    What you say just isn’t true. In general, alpha women do want alpha men. If they didn’t, Evan would still be working dead-end jobs, making $30k/year instead of being a successful dating coach telling these women to be a little less restrictive and find love.

    The fact is that Zaq is right, as he bluntly spells it all out in #29, even if y’all don’t want to admit it.

  5. 45
    amy

    I was a 39 year old woman who was helped by Evan’s advice. Evan wrote that that the pool of people you can date is *only* limited to those people who liked you. I was floored by that. I thought I had the whole world at my feet, but really I only had the men who were into me. And instead of chasing those others, that I had chased all my life, I let the guy who liked me in.
    He was four years older than me, divorced, no kids, smart, kind, funny, talented, masculine, a musician turned businessman. Yes, the WHOLE package!!
    I followed Evan’s blog throughout the relationship. Worked on not being too critical, just loving and enjoying him. We got engaged after 18 months and married in September. I was 41 and he was 45.
    Is that demographic good enough for y’all?
    Evan has great advice. I didn’t have to “change who I was” but just had to change my focus and be my best self, which yes, I still work on in marriage. I still work on not being too controlling or critical (and still read Evan’s blog).
    So thank you, Evan!
    And to all the women who have been hurt, disappointed, rejected, I hope you can imagine a different future for yourselves, and move yourselves to that future.

  6. 46
    Kathleen

    I very much agree with Zanns post #39

    The most memorable and inspiring story to me that I loved reading was that of the 75 year old woman Ive told several of may friends about it. I agree that Ive seen many posts that put down older women as “low value” so I appreciated so much hearing about her success.

  7. 47
    Nathan

    I would have been totally happy for them without reservation had the child issue not been present. Age differences are a challenge, but I really wishpeople would stop using them as a means to divide and discriminate.

    However, even if it works out for them, it’s just difficult to swallow the idea that this guy did a 180 about having children and is fully willing to be a father again. I don’t understand why questioning that aspect of the story is so upsetting or disappointing. I have not lost my faith in love, nor am I given to spreading negativity. At the end of the day, though, love alone doesn’t carry a relationship in the long run.

  8. 48
    Selena

    Evan,
    I had a partner 15 years my senior for long time. You’re correct: it IS irrelevant to me.

    If you go back and read your own articles and comments however, you may find not wanting an older man is relevant to your readers, especially the younger ones. You once told a 54 yr. old man seeking a 20 years younger women to have children with, women that age seek peers. And you went on to list reasons why.

    Consider how much more effective an example this would be if the couple were around the same age. If both were in their early/mid-30’s you could point to: “See ladies, there are commitment oriented men in their 30’s – just be patient and don’t put pressure on them.”

    Or if both people were in their 50’s: “See ladies, not all men well into middle age are looking for women young enough to be their daughters. Don’t get discouraged.” Can you see how your comment section would be very different?

    Most of your (female) readers don’t relate to the May/December love story because as you yourself have pointed out before, they prefer peers. Twenty years is not only not being peers, it’s being in entirely different generations.

    Nothing against Michelle & Mark, may they have a long and prosperous life together.

    1. 48.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Selena “Consider how much more effective an example this would be if the couple were around the same age. If both were in their early/mid-30”²s you could point to: “See ladies, there are commitment oriented men in their 30”²s — just be patient and don’t put pressure on them.”

      It’s the same fucking story! Men are men. This works if you’re 30, 50 or 70. Or if you want a man 30, 50, or 70. Any comment that ignores that point – the REAL point of the post – that Michelle was a dating rockstar who found love – is irrelevant. Doesn’t matter if you don’t want a 50 year old man, if you don’t think they’ll last, or if you think that somehow, in 2 1/2 years they’ve never discussed the ramifications of having children.

      These are happy people. Give it a rest, y’all.

      If this doesn’t relate to you because you would never choose an older man, then don’t say anything, Selena. Don’t be critical of someone who found love her way.

  9. 49
    Mia

    Joe — nope, I still maintain that the attractive women and successful men of high quality character don’t subscribe to the beauty/money thing. Obviously, a pretty girl who has her shit together is not marrying a schlub who lacks ambition, and a successful man isn’t marrying a dumpy average girl. But these high quality types are not DRIVEN by that alone.

    For example — and I’m far from the only reasonably attractive young woman who thinks this way — older men who flash their money around and try to buy us off repulse us and remind us of our dads, bc our dads used to have to buy us stuff when we were kids and had no money. These are the kind of men who are alpha on paper but really aren’t. I was once, at different times, hung up on 2 guys who did not appear to be alpha on paper – one was balding, shorter than me, and made less money; the other never went to college and had an average paying blue collar job. But they were very confident men, my intellectual equals, and playfully put me in my place when I got bratty or whiny. I was clearly the younger hotter higher value one on paper but they were not controlled by that and didn’t care. I’d have dated them if they were interested in a ltr.

    Likewise , successful men don’t want a woman who is flashing her looks around and openly interested in being pampered by him. The best of them want a pretty girl but won’t be controlled by that and won’t be with her if she doesn’t have much to offer otherwise or is looking at him like a walking ATM.

  10. 50
    Dawn

    WOW – this really did bring out a gamut of emotions!
    I like what Joe#52 said – the story at it’s base is about a woman knowing what she wanted and not settling for less. And isn’t that what Evan has been trying to teach?
    I’m happy for Michelle and Mark – maybe Michelle will figure out that kids aren’t all they’re cracked up to be! *grin* (mine is graduating next Friday – YAY)

  11. 51
    AS

    A heated debate – to which I would like to share my thoughts. So here goes… What I believe Evan is trying to illustrate here (please correct me if I am wrong Evan) is the successful outcome of a relationship based on the tools & techniques that he gave to Michelle to improve her love life. A story to give others hope who may be in a similar position. It just so happens that the guy she attracted was older than her, they are happy and in love – it’s their lives, which does not affect any of us, so why all the negativity?

    As for will it last etc no relationship in this world comes with a lifetime guarantee and with all due respect, quite frankly it is none of our business. But I guess here’s some food for thought, a close friend of mine married a guy who is 18 years her senior, he was divorced with 3 kids, she is now 37 and he is 55, they have been together for 12 years, have 2 kids and are still happily married and in love…

  12. 52
    Karl R

    Ileana asked: (#10)
    “Ok, so what DID she do then? Did she just fight her instinct of trying 2 help him in certain areas of his life by making a few observations? Does this mean that we shouldn’t give advice to men unsolicited? I have the feeling that i am walking a fine line here… — so, if he was a terrible dad, did she just shut up?…”

    Have you ever complained about how you were having a bad day (maybe because of your job/boss, your family or your boyfriend/spouse), and someone chimed in to tell you how the promblem was your fault and all the things you needed to do to “fix” the problem?

    How did you feel about that? You were looking for a sympathetic ear while you vented your frustrations, not a lecture on your shortcomings.

    I’ve never met anyone who enjoyed receiving unsolicited advice. You even have to be careful about offering criticism even when a person has asked for your advice.

    Don’t give unsolicited advice. Let the other person decide how to solve their own problems.

    If you want to do more than sit and nod, learn something about the situation. You’re referring to three relationships (boss, ex-wife, son) that have formed over the years, have a lot of time invested, and are incredibly complex. How are you possibly going to offer advice when you don’t even understand the situation? When you’ve barely met the other parties?

    Find out from the father what makes the son tick. Why is the son making the decisions that he’s making? Has he made similar decisions before? Why did he make those decisions?

    Asking questions can help the other person solve their own problems. If you ask why the son did something, the father will end up thinking about the answer to that question. When a person starts thinking more about a problem, they may come up with solutions that they hadn’t considered before. Furthermore, they will be more inclined to pursue those solutions, because they created the solutions.

    Don’t get too clever with the idea of providing an answer through your questions. If you try to cleverly lead someone to a solutions by asking leading questions, it will be blatantly obvious what you’re trying to do.

    1. 52.1
      Nissa

      You said: I’ve never met anyone who enjoyed receiving unsolicited advice.

      Amen to that.

  13. 53
    Heather

    @ Evan:

    OK, nice story, it does sound like a happy ending. Two concerns here though.

    1) The man was pretty clear that he didn’t want to have kids. Broke up with her, came back, and “agreed to father her children.” OK now with that, my alarm bells went off. I have heard alot of stories of couples divorcing, due to “the kids issue.” I just finished reading a book actually, about this very topic. He made it clear up front that he wasn’t interested in having kids, and I do agree with your advice to your client to not push him, etc. I agree with the other poster who said she could forsee a divorce before the kid(s) turn 2.

    2.) He dumped her, and then comes back. OK if he’s done it before, he may do it again. Maybe he won’t, but who’s to say he will or will not? If I had been her, I’d have continued to walk on gracefully. She made a graceful exit, and I am proud of her for that, but had it been me, I’d have just said I’m sorry, you’ve rejected me once. You also said you don’t want kids. I’d rather not revisit this issue.

    I hope she’ll be happy, but my gut goes, “I dunno about this!” And it’s not just from my experience either. Again, the book I read was very clear that alot of marriages do end over kids. The name of the book is “Two Is Enough” and I believe it was by Laura S. Smith.

  14. 54
    Karen

    Hi Evan, I love your blog and have been inspired by your insights into how men think and how relationships work – thank you! And although today’s entry caused some grief, I really hope the couple has a happy future. My question is how can I get on your email list? I totally missed the love story of the 75 year-old woman. Thanks and have a great weekend!

  15. 55
    Heather

    Sorry for the double post, but I just remembered.

    The woman self-described herself as “bratty.” I truly hope she didn’t think that was a badge of honor. Alot of men are turned off by that, and I know that topic’s been discussed here recently. Too much drama, and a guy will walk away. I’m not saying I hate on the woman but that made me downright uncomfortable.

  16. 56
    Ileana

    @Evan #58: ‘Any comment that ignores that point — the REAL point of the post — that Michelle was a dating rockstar who found love — is irrelevant’.

    Evan, look – we don’t know who Michelle is. We don’t know her story, her ups and downs, her previous or current relationship. Therefore, it is a bit difficult for us to understand the success story in ’33 yo hot blonde lands 50 yo dude, willing to worship the air she breathes’., without being a tad skeptical (in the given situation, where kids are involved. Think about it! People will be asking that kid later on : ‘Is that your grandpa?’, ‘No, it’s my dad’).

    What i see as a success story here is the fact that a self proclaimed ‘bratty’ woman managed to understand men, learn from her mistakes and be a even better catch than she was – with or without Mark, her success would have been the same for me. Maybe even bigger if it was a 27, 30 yo doctor or lawyer who swore never to date older women, but couldn’t live without her. But what do i know, i’m only 22!

    I understand that for you, as a dating coach, every story such as this brings a lot of satisfaction. It is the fruit of your work. Heck, you spent 20 hours of your life on phone with this woman and it brought results. But this doesn’t mean that we (your humble readers) should just blindly accept THIS particular case as eye opening material.

    Don’t get angry on us 🙁 I don’t think that anybody here, skeptikal or whatever, wanted to diminish your joy or Michelle’s…

  17. 57
    AllenB

    @Amy 53

    So very true. It is all about not spending our energy and attention and love on the ones who will not have us, and giving it to those who want us. I dated a woman to whom I was very devoted and we were a good match, but she just wasn’t ready at that stage of her life and broke up with me. I began to look around for someone who did want to be with me, and had some great dating experiences, but I learned during that I didn’t want anyone else for a very long time. Eventually there came a time when I was ready again and I found someone else who _wanted_ to be with me. It was so much easier than any of those earlier relationships. We all go through stages of being ready or not ready for love. It is a matter of finding a good match and when both are ready. From the sounds of these blogs and Evan’s stories, I think a lot of Evan’s clients might want a life partner or think they do, but really are not internally ready for that. They hide behind lists of why someone isn’t right, or how their lives are too full, when the reality is they can’t admit to themselves or maybe are not aware that they really don’t want a real relationship right now. Evan can provide them with dating tools, but he can’t change their fears or self doubts, especially when they are not self-acknowledged.

    @Heather 63

    “The man was pretty clear that he didn’t want to have kids. Broke up with her, came back, and “agreed to father her children.” OK now with that, my alarm bells went off. . . . He dumped her, and then comes back.”

    If Mark flipped 180 and they got married that week, you might have a point. Obviously that first week he is still conflicted. (And where did you get “he dumped her?” Evan wrote _Michelle_ walked away when it was clear Mark was not willing to be a Dad.) The story Evan tells is they split up _last July_ and they are getting married a full year later. Mark has had plenty of time to sit with the idea of fatherhood. Michelle has had plenty of time to watch Mark become comfortable with the idea and know whether it is for real. This is not an impulsive “Oh crap, I miss her so much, I will say whatever I think she wants to hear to have her back” story. I can’t _know_ this is true, but at some point I have to trust that two mature adults over the course of a year have carefully considered where they are going to go together and are happy about it.

  18. 58
    Ileana

    @ Karl R # 62: Karl, thanks for your input!

    At the beginning of your post you asked me:

    ‘Have you ever complained about how you were having a bad day (maybe because of your job/boss, your family or your boyfriend/spouse), and someone chimed in to tell you how the promblem was your fault and all the things you needed to do to “fix” the problem?’

    Boy, oh, boy, does his happen a lot 🙂 Altough i generally dismiss any fixing atempt from others, i tend to react differently when the ‘fixing’ is just a mere suggestion and is not being forced upon me. (e.g. ‘I know this is your problem and you will surely solve it on your own, but maybe you could consider trying a. or b. if everything else fails’ and NOT ‘stop whining, you should absolutely do a. and b. There is no reason to be upset etc.’). I don’t know if this is normal or not, but that’s just me. Maybe a put too much value on how things are said…

    However, I agree with the rest of your post 100%. You can’t just barge in on other people and start ordering them how to live their lives.

    I guess that i have mistakenly assumed that Michelle was up to date and completly informed about the state of Mark’s relationships with the others. I wouldn’t have seen anything wrong with her telling him that maybe he is wrong in some aspects, say, regarding his son – assuming she knew the son and the dad and their history. Would it have been wrong?

    I sometimes get the feeling that men are hypersensitive when it comes to stating your opinion on whatever they’re doing, even if they’re terrible at it and they know it! WHY?
    (This is a bit off the record, but my ex-boyfriend couldn’t cook dinner even if his life depended on it – i knew it, he knew it and everybody else knew it. But whenever i tried giving him advice or telling him to try something else, he would either get defensive or ignore me, EVEN THOUGH he knew i was right. I ultimately gave up.)

  19. 59
    Margaret

    Evan, I am sorry, but stories like this just make me sad. I am 51, and no bow-wow, but it seems like my market is decrepit old geezers who are fat with a myriad of health problems. Or the 20 and 30 somethings who want a MILF because they don’t want to settle down. Nothing against Michelle, because I am sure Mark would assuredly NOT be dating me if he wasn’t with her, but how are women my age supposed to find good, viable men our age when they want girls young enough to be their daughter?

    @ Nathan: you renew my faith in men. Thank you for your posts.

  20. 60
    Soul

    @ Heather, # 63:

    You said:
    “He dumped her, and then comes back. OK if he’s done it before, he may do it again. Maybe he won’t, but who’s to say he will or will not? If I had been her, I’d have continued to walk on gracefully. She made a graceful exit, and I am proud of her for that, but had it been me, I’d have just said I’m sorry, you’ve rejected me once. You also said you don’t want kids. I’d rather not revisit this issue.”

    I am sorry to say, but I find your remark ridiculous (not you as a person, just your opinion as you stated it in this specific case). Here are the reasons why:
    1) Uncertainty is part of life, and it is part of every big commitment. If you do not feel uncertainty at all when making a big decision, it is far more worrying than when you do feel uncertainty and ponder things before making your decision ( that’s a psychological fact). It actually is a good thing that he walked away and then came back! Yes, it is!
    2) Keeping this in mind, it is not because you dumped sb once that you will dump them again (that’s nonsense!). If you have a pattern of dumping people and walking away now that’s different. One time is NOT a pattern.
    3) Don’t you factor in that this is not a business relationship? This is about LOVE : she loves him, it would be ridiculous if she “walked away gracefully”. JEEZ, this is about love. When you love somebody, you at least try to understand their point of view…. If she truly was ready to commit to him for life and have kids with him, she CANNOT just get rid of him at the first mistake he makes, she LOVES him!!!!

    One last remark regarding the age difference…. I am 34… 2 years ago I would probably have said that a 20-year age difference would have been my worst nightmare ahahahahah ….. and guess what I totally fell in love with a 52 year-old man!!! we want kids!! I love him!! he loves me ( and yes, he probably loves the fact that I am light-hearted and full of energy…. some of you would say that it’s about having a “trophy wife”. Hell no, this is about ME, I am no trophy, I have flaws and qualities, and there are tons of younger trophies out there who would have killed to be with him…It’s about Soul (that’s me ahahah), and what Soul brings to his life…

    I hope to still be playful when I am 60 though, its not about age, it about enchantment… it’s about fun…and love!!!

    Great post Evan!

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