Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave

Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave

I’m still buzzing from the email that I got from my former client, Michelle. And let me say, that Michelle is one of my favorite clients ever.

Always good-humored, always confident, always present – and, most importantly, always coachable, Michelle saw instant results in working with me.

She attracted a man who was different than her previous boyfriends – and that’s exactly what she needed. After all, Michelle will be the first to tell you that she’s a bit of a handful. And after dominating (and losing respect) for her last guy, she craved the attention of a man who was a little more alpha.

Men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.

She got him – and she got all the problems that come with being with such a man.

She couldn’t tell him what to do.

She couldn’t make him say that he loved her fast enough.

She couldn’t ensure that he wanted to stick around for the future.

Although Mark treated her great, he was still very much a MAN. Early 50’s, successful, busy, a divorced father of a teenaged son, he felt very fortunate to have landed a 33-year-old stunner like Michelle.

All of the stories that Michelle told me reiterated how much he valued her, and at the time that she gave me this testimonial that’s on my Private Coaching page, she was in a great comfort zone with Mark.

He treated her well, he told her he loved her, he put up with her self-proclaimed “brattiness,” and he alluded to a future together.
But all relationships have their challenges, and Mark and Michelle were no different.

The elephant in the room for this couple was that Michelle very much wants to have kids, while Mark never really anticipated that he’d be a father again in his 50’s.

While I was coaching Michelle through the first four months of their relationship (and intermittently in between), I cautioned her to NOT put any pressure on him about getting married and having kids. While theoretically, she could be “wasting” her time with him, my advice was to let him fall in love with her.

If he did, she would have a lot more leverage when the baby talk came up, as opposed to trying to extract an answer out of him in the early stages of the relationship.

This worked like a charm. Because really, it was no secret that Michelle wanted to be a Mom, and since Mark was a man of integrity, he wanted to do right by his girlfriend. He agreed, last July, to be the future father of her children.

Then he changed his mind a few months later.

No matter how much he loved Michelle, Mark just couldn’t pull the trigger on a second round of fatherhood, and they tearfully parted ways.

True love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life.

I was sad for Michelle, but very proud at how she handled herself. Despite her high-maintenance tendencies, she became better at understanding Mark’s needs and point of view, and created the healthiest relationship that she’d ever had before.

Every time she wanted to criticize him for how he handled his relationship with his son, or his ex-wife, or his boss, she remembered that men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects – they bond with women who make them feel good.

Most importantly, from our work together, Michelle knew that her future husband wants to be a dad, and thus, she had no regrets about walking away when she did.

That was the last I’d heard from Michelle. Until today.

Turns out that her breakup only lasted for one week.

Mark loved Michelle.

Her playfulness, her sexiness, and yes, even her attitude and mood swings. After spending a year and a half together, Mark realized that he couldn’t imagine life without her. Which is as it should be.

And while I give Michelle credit for becoming the woman that no man can ever leave, Michelle actually gives ME credit. Here’s a snippet of her note to me:

I asked him why he had a change of heart and finally came to this conclusion.  He said because he’s in love with me. 

I can’t tell you what this has done for me in this relationship.  I feel so relieved and at ease with it all. 

Evan, you taught me to be playful, lighthearted, patient, kind and compassionate. 

You’re an AMAZING (THE BEST) dating coach!

Thank you.  


Love,

Michelle

I love Michelle and I love this story.

A confident, successful, attractive woman in her mid-30s finds a masculine, confident man, wins him over with her feminine energy, and makes herself so indispensable to his life that he can’t imagine being without her.

I’m attending their wedding this summer in San Francisco and I couldn’t be more excited for the both of them.

Know that this is within your grasp and that true love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life like Michelle did.

Join our conversation (247 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 61
    DinaStrange

    Well, actually America is not a real democracy. Regarding the comments that imply that she is settling. After all, it’s her business and at this point we can only wish her happiness. If a guy is 50, looks good for his age and has money, and she is good looking and self sufficient and is truly into him, i think it might be a good match. I don’t think the problem is that he is 20 years older than her, maybe our general beliefs in gold digger, middle age crisis manifesting in getting a younger wife and our general cynicism is interfering in our judgement.

  2. 62
    maria

    THIS IS A WONDERFUL ARTICLE! Thank YOU EVAN for sharing!
    It is EXTREMELY SAD AND RIDICULOUS to read the rude remarks in regards to this young ladies success story. Perhaps, that is why most of you are still single and lonely.

    I am happy to read this for I am going thru the same thing and have also learned alot from EVAN from just reading his blog. This is amazing and I hope the best for them!

    Congrats EV!! You are a great coach!

  3. 63
    Margaret

    Soul, I am willing to bet your guy is successful, or you wouldn’t be looking at a man 18 years older than you. Just saying.

  4. 64
    DinaStrange

    I also want to add, and speaking from a different cultural perspectives, that both men and women in USA are extremely materialistic in their approach of relationships and lots of shallow factors play a role here…everyone wants a 10 (whatever that means), so you get lots of dissatisfied and miserable people…still looking for that then. I mean situations overall is extremely pathetic and is only getting worse.

  5. 65
    Clare

    Soul,
    I could not agree with you more! 🙂
    I feel strongly that sometimes in the shuffle of advice and skepticism, people get cold and forget the idea of love. Love should not blind you to a person’s flaws or cause you to overlook what should not be overlooked, but love is the reason we are all here in the first place.
    If you are going to live in the kind of black and white world that Heather painted, I submit that no one is ever going to be good enough.
    Love is about being prepared to be vulnerable, understanding the other person’s point of view and needs, as well as your own, and yes, sometimes it is about second chances. It is about compromise and sometimes it is about choosing an unconventional mate and finding unconventional solutions.

    For me, the *most* inspiring stories are not where a couple had a completely perfect, smooth and problem-free road to matrimony (I don’t believe these really exist anyway), but where love overcame their humanity and the unpredictability of life, and they decided they couldn’t live without each other.

    Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic, but I think if you believe in love and trust it, rather than finding reasons to drive it away, it has a much greater chance of finding you.

  6. 66
    Zaq

    Soul: “I am 34… 2 years ago I would probably have said that a 20-year age difference would have been my worst nightmare ahahahahah ….. and guess what I totally fell in love with a 52 year-old man!!! ….. and there are tons of younger trophies out there who would have killed to be with him..”

    It is my experience that most younger women think the idea of a relationship with a much older man is ridiculous. Until of course they meet HIM.
    I had one 25 year old tell me to my face that she didn’t agree with the age gap relationship of a mutual friend, and she would never do that. Seconds later it was made perfectly clear that wouldn’t apply to me !
    Women appear to think logically, but ACT emotionally. There is a huge difference between what they say and what they do.
    If younger women were not attracted to older men then older women would have them all to themselves.
    I don’t see blame being placed on the younger women.

    Also, I think young women are NOT attracted to MOST older men – only those, as in this example, who exhibit alpha characteristics.
    That leaves the majority of the older men still available to them.
    GREAT !! – except for one thing.

    YOU DO NOT WANT THEM
    You want the same men who ARE attractive to younger women.
    But, as Evan says “you are only as valuable as your options”
    Your options are ordinary men.

    Here’s a success story
    A friend of mine, mid 50s, recently divorced, is marrying a woman of similar age next week. He met her only a year ago.
    Woop !! Woop!!

    Here’s the thing – he’s in average condition and has been unemployed for 3 years – SAVVY ?

    1. 66.1
      babe

      Nope sweetie.  Not true that women over the age of thirty can only date men in ordinary average condition who are unemployed.  It may apply to you personally when your older man dumps you for a younger model in the near future.  However, that is simply not true.  In fact, some women are so hot and successful that they can date hot rich men their own age or younger even much younger at any stage in the game.  I personally have never dated an ordinary man nor will I and I am old enough to be your mother.  My man sounds like he blows yours away and I’m older. Ha!

  7. 67
    Michelle

    #70, and when you’re 60, he’ll almost be 80.

    I was having a conversation recently with my colleague who is 57, her husband is the same age. I am 48 and was telling her about a man I met who was interested in me, he’s 57. I was concerned he might be too ‘old’ for me, although he’s in excellent health and looks younger than his age. She brought up this point: “when getting older, you want someone who is going through the same things you are physically”. And believe me, as you age, there are physical changes that pop up out of the blue or things perhaps worsen with time. That won’t sway my decision on maybe having a relationship with this man, but she gave me some food for thought. One thing I have learned is older people have wise advice since they have gone through or are going through the ‘reality’ of life.

  8. 68
    Soul

    @Magaret

    He is very successful! I have only had 3 long-term relationships altogether (I have never had any short-term story), and all of them were extremely successful…. and I was making a 6-figure salary myself until last year….I am successful too….I mostly meet successful men, because of my lifestyle…. the restaurants, private clubs, lounges, conferences I go to and hang out in….

    Also, prior to meeting him, I was alone for 5 long years (a few dates, a few kisses, NO SEX FOR 5 YEARS). I was still surrounded (and approached) by very successful men, some younger, some older….. I have always been approached by men actually….

    @ZAq

    This is hilarious loooool

  9. 69
    Soul

    # 78:

    My post is incomplete. What I wanted to say is that If I was a gold digger, I would have had many other opportunities (same age or younger!).

    @ Michelle, # 77
    “when you’re 60, he’ll almost be 80.”. Yes, I know!!! But I don’t care, I love him! we’ll cross that bridge when it comes….

  10. 70
    Brenda

    Margaret @69: I am 55, mother of two sons, one with special needs, and I dated men around my age for 3 years before my fiancé found me- yes, some had health issues, some had integrity issues and some just had way too many issues. BUT………there are really great men out there near our age, who are adorable, wonderful men (my fiancé, for one) who desire a great relationship with women our age………Just get back out there with a smile on your face and hope in your heart, and keep dating……date many different kinds of men in your age range.

    PS Evan, our wedding is in 4 months (have been engaged for 6 months) and I met him because of you and the fact that you asked me to look beyond those I typically dated………..thank YOU!

  11. 71
    priya

    I have seen in some of your post where you have given advise to ladies to not to date too older men.Isnt it applied here too Evan?There is 20 year age gap.

  12. 72
    nathan

    Zaq @76 “Women appear to think logically, but ACT emotionally.” And the same is true for most men. It may look different on the surface, but it’s a small minority of people who are actually mostly driven by logic and reasoning. And that’s a good thing. Human intelligence is much more diverse than how we think things through. Our thinking is frequently wrong anyway, and never completely encompasses experience. The problem with emotions comes when we let them take over and run us. Don’t bother trying to say men are more logical. If I had a dollar for every dude I have met who was controlled by anger, rage, or sadness, I could retire today – at 36 years old.

    DinaStrange @74 “both men and women in USA are extremely materialistic in their approach of relationships and lots of shallow factors play a role here” There is some truth to this. We have been sold the story of getting “the biggest and the best” of everything: house, relationship, business or job, etc. And that story has pushed many folks to create endlessly long lists of qualities and conditions they want. Those wants are then thought of as “must haves,” which leads to endless amounts of suffering. Because often, you can’t get what you want. And a fair amount of the time, getting what you want doesn’t actually make people happy. Or the happiness isn’t long lasting as we thought it might be.

    To Claire @75 Love is highly powerful. It’s the energy, really, that sustains our lives in my opinion. Furthermore, I completely agree with you that being black and white, fixed to a set of rules and beliefs about relationships, is probably going to lead to being alone or miserably together with another. There has to be room for surprise, flexibility, second chances, and compromise. With all of that said, sometimes all of these qualities can be present between two people, and it doesn’t last. The first post I ever wrote on my dating/relationship blog was about just such a relationship. http://21centuryrelationships.blogspot.com/2011/04/love-of-unsettled-hearts.html
    There is zero doubt in my mind that had a few things been different in the overall situation, the love between the two of us would have been enough to overcome the remaining obstacles. But it wasn’t in this case. And I think that’s where the romantic stories of lovers overcoming it all falls apart. Sometimes it’s really just too much – the circumstances of our lives. Neither person failed to love well enough, and both were the best partners they could be. But it just didn’t overcome. (I’m sure people could pick apart pieces of my story, but consider what I’m saying beyond the specific example from my own life.)

    Michelle’s relationship seems to actually be in a better place than mine was. Her fiance’s waffling on having children remains the biggest question in my mind. But it’s one that is answerable, and workable, between the two of them. So, although I have expressed some doubts about their situation, she could have chosen a man with a lot more red flags than this guy seems to have.

  13. 73
    Gina

    I think this is a great story. It seemed like many people were focusing on the age, but obviously Michelle is fine with it and fell in love with the guy, got what she wanted in a man. The opinions of the woman are based on what they find okay for them and feel Michelle didn’t get a happy ending because he was older – in their perception. And, they were not respectful at all in their opinion, they were downright condescending. Its funny because a man recently asked me out that is 49 and I am 30, turning 31. I debated but ultimately decided against dating him. I weighed the pros and cons but for me, it’s just too much of an age difference, however I feel that if a person is cool with the age difference, love is love. I think this post is more about her having success with finding someone she “wants” to be with and is in love… obviously if she wasn’t attracted or excited about it, she wouldn’t have wrote Marc a thank you with such excitement.

  14. 74
    Susan61

    When I first read the story my initial reaction was a heavy eye roll, shaking my head and thinking “well, I hope she’ll be happy with this much older guy”. My first thought admittedly, was “yeah, I know what HE gets – a much younger, beautiful woman that can still bear him children – IF he decides he wants this, and he sounds a bit ambivalent. And then I thought “well, what does she get out of this arrangement?” And then I experienced some of the feelings of resignation that at age 50, once being a beauty myself, I am now lodged firmly in the echelon of “low status women”. My automatic negative thought was: “All attractive men over 50 want women in their 30’s and I’m doomed”. So yes, I indulged in these feelings for a (short) while. I reminded myself how I was never attracted to much older men, still am not, and that’s just who I am. Perhaps a male poster will jeer at me “well, that’s why you’re still single, honey!” And I might jab back and say, “oh yeah, well.. let’s see YOU date and commit to a woman 10-20 years your senior!”. These feelings are familiar and very easy to resort to. I do believe I was dumped by a man two years my senior due to my age. This was *indeed* a painful experience.

    Yet, despite the above initial reaction, what I really took from this post was this: what you put out, you get back. Like attracts like. If I continue to put out any negative energy, that’s what I get back. If I continue to indulge in these feelings that just because ONE 52 year old guy rejected me that ALL 50 something attractive men will reject me, then THAT is what I will get. If I treat each day like a gift and accept with grace where I am in life, RIGHT now – and it’s exactly WHERE I should be and its a beautiful thing – and treat other humans with respect, kindness and convey a more joyous approach to life, then my chances of finding love increase exponentially. I am finally at this place and feel extremely happy to be alive – and SINGLE. If I find love, great. If I live another day to be single and live more joyously, GREAT. I’m just going to HAVE FUN and let the chips fall where they may. 🙂

    Best of luck to the happy couple!

  15. 75
    Happy

    I am married to a man 19 years my senior and have been for 28 years. I am now 55 and the marriage, although it was fairly happy, has run its course. I think the main issue was not age, however, it was differences in our personalities that have become magnified since he retired 8 years ago, he into a quiet life of TV and I into expanding my horizons more and more. Also our physical needs and drives are now quite different.

  16. 76
    Heather

    @ Soul:

    My opinion is my opinion and I really don’t appreciate your labeling it as “ridiculous.”

    I stand by what I say. Had it been me, that this guy had walked out on, I would not have him back. There’s a saying going around: “Taking back an ex is like going to a yard sale, and buying back all of your old crap.” He flip flopped 2-3 times on the kids issue, and broke up with her. What’s so hard to understand here? Sure, maybe she does “LOVE him!” But guess what. Love does NOT, and NEVER will “conquer all.” Had that been the case, then my love for my ex husband would have withstood his abuse of me, his multiple addiction problems, etc. But it didn’t. Her loving him doesn’t mean that it’s going to be a good, healthy, strong relationship that will go the distance.

    If you disagree with me, then disagree with me, but I do take offense to your rudeness.

  17. 77
    Soul

    @Heather

    Please accept my apologies for my words. You are right and I was wrong and rude; I should not have said that.

    On a different note, this is not YOUR story…. and her husband-to-be is not your ex. There is no reason why you should transfer your hurts and fears onto them. Love does “conquer it all” for some, and not for others….

    1. 77.1
      GADS

      Very gracious of you soul.

      in regards to your comment about people sharing their story…

      well… I suppose they can look at it that way. But it makes a big difference when people DO share their story. Then not only do I see the many paths people have walked that I wouldnt have seen if they stayed quiet, I wouldnt have benefited from all the insight and wisdom I stand to gain BECAUSE of others who respond to them.

      Sometimes pain brings gifts in disguise

  18. 78
    Christine

    Susan, I know where you’re coming from, even though I’m in my 30s (just turned 33). I often feel like I’m in the “low status” echelon in the romance department because attractive and successful men in their 30s often want women in their 20s. So no matter where you are along the age spectrum, there’s always someone younger or hotter who’s higher up on the “totem pole”, so to speak. However, I draw inspiration from my brother-in-law’s story. He was 33 when he started dating my sister (who was also 33). Before that, he had dated some young and beautiful, but vacuous and immature 20-somethings. He eventually chose my sister to marry, because he had similar shared experiences with her and could get a mental connection with her that he could never get with those younger women. If all he wanted was youth and beauty, he had his chance to marry one of those other women instead. So I’m hoping there are more men out there like that.

    Even beautiful 20-something women don’t always have it so easy. They can attract more men, but can’t always keep them and aren’t guaranteed lasting love either. I know a pretty 20-something who got dumped by her 40-something boyfriend because he felt she just wasn’t mature enough for him. I also know a beautiful but vapid 20-something model who has been repeatedly dumped by her 30-something boyfriend (they’re one of those on again-off again couples). He’s frustrated by her lack of intellect and ambition. So even the attractive 20-somethings at the top of the dating totem pole don’t have immunity to heartache and disappointment.

    To get back on track with the original post, congratulations to Michelle. I admit I initially had some reservations about the whole age difference, but I don’t know these people so it’s hard for me to judge. As long as they’re happy with each other, that’s what matters. What I got out of this post was that you can get love by knowing what you want, and not being afraid to take a chance to get it. I really respect her courage in being prepared to walk away when it looked like she wasn’t going to get what she wanted, and standing by what she valued. Best of luck to them!

  19. 79
    Kurt

    I question the relevance of this story. I mean if the 33-tear-old woman truly is as beautiful as you claim, that old man in his 50s must have felt so fortunate to have her and would be willing to tolerate a lot because he knows that not many beautiful women 20 years younger are going to want him.

    Maria (#6), your post makes you seem very angry. Although I agree that a 20+ year age difference seems huge in this case, you are hypocritical to label all men as “completely superficial.” In my own personal experience, women are far, far more superficial than my male peers.
    When women are younger they hold all of the power and often abuse it – women get away with this because they hold far more dating power than men at that age. However, when women get older, the balance swings back to the men and a lot of women just don’t seem to comprehend this.

  20. 80
    Love

    “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” ~ Dr. Seuss

    They found love!!!!!

    I am happy for them and hope I find love too one day!

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