Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave

Become the Woman that No Man Can Ever Leave
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I’m still buzzing from the email that I got from my former client, Michelle. And let me say, that Michelle is one of my favorite clients ever.

Always good-humored, always confident, always present — and, most importantly, always coachable, Michelle saw instant results in working with me.

She attracted a man who was different than her previous boyfriends — and that’s exactly what she needed. After all, Michelle will be the first to tell you that she’s a bit of a handful. And after dominating (and losing respect) for her last guy, she craved the attention of a man who was a little more alpha.

Men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects — they bond with women who make them feel good.

She got him — and she got all the problems that come with being with such a man.

She couldn’t tell him what to do.

She couldn’t make him say that he loved her fast enough.

She couldn’t ensure that he wanted to stick around for the future.

Although Mark treated her great, he was still very much a MAN. Early 50’s, successful, busy, a divorced father of a teenaged son, he felt very fortunate to have landed a 33-year-old stunner like Michelle.

All of the stories that Michelle told me reiterated how much he valued her, and at the time that she gave me this testimonial that’s on my Private Coaching page, she was in a great comfort zone with Mark.

He treated her well, he told her he loved her, he put up with her self-proclaimed “brattiness,” and he alluded to a future together.
But all relationships have their challenges, and Mark and Michelle were no different.

The elephant in the room for this couple was that Michelle very much wants to have kids, while Mark never really anticipated that he’d be a father again in his 50’s.

While I was coaching Michelle through the first four months of their relationship (and intermittently in between), I cautioned her to NOT put any pressure on him about getting married and having kids. While theoretically, she could be “wasting” her time with him, my advice was to let him fall in love with her.

If he did, she would have a lot more leverage when the baby talk came up, as opposed to trying to extract an answer out of him in the early stages of the relationship.

This worked like a charm. Because really, it was no secret that Michelle wanted to be a Mom, and since Mark was a man of integrity, he wanted to do right by his girlfriend. He agreed, last July, to be the future father of her children.

Then he changed his mind a few months later.

No matter how much he loved Michelle, Mark just couldn’t pull the trigger on a second round of fatherhood, and they tearfully parted ways.

True love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life.

I was sad for Michelle, but very proud at how she handled herself. Despite her high-maintenance tendencies, she became better at understanding Mark’s needs and point of view, and created the healthiest relationship that she’d ever had before.

Every time she wanted to criticize him for how he handled his relationship with his son, or his ex-wife, or his boss, she remembered that men don’t stay with women who treat them as incomplete projects — they bond with women who make them feel good.

Most importantly, from our work together, Michelle knew that her future husband wants to be a dad, and thus, she had no regrets about walking away when she did.

That was the last I’d heard from Michelle. Until today.

Turns out that her breakup only lasted for one week.

Mark loved Michelle.

Her playfulness, her sexiness, and yes, even her attitude and mood swings. After spending a year and a half together, Mark realized that he couldn’t imagine life without her. Which is as it should be.

And while I give Michelle credit for becoming the woman that no man can ever leave, Michelle actually gives ME credit. Here’s a snippet of her note to me:

I asked him why he had a change of heart and finally came to this conclusion.   He said because he’s in love with me.  

I can’t tell you what this has done for me in this relationship.   I feel so relieved and at ease with it all.  

Evan, you taught me to be playful, lighthearted, patient, kind and compassionate.  

You’re an AMAZING (THE BEST) dating coach!

Thank you.   ”¨

Love,

Michelle

I love Michelle and I love this story.

A confident, successful, attractive woman in her mid-30s finds a masculine, confident man, wins him over with her feminine energy, and makes herself so indispensable to his life that he can’t imagine being without her.

I’m attending their wedding this summer in San Francisco and I couldn’t be more excited for the both of them.

Know that this is within your grasp and that true love will find you sooner rather than later – as long as you prioritize your love life like Michelle did.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    AnnieC

    I thought I must have been reading an old blog post, I was sure I had read about this before.

    This particular story(and it’s impact on me) is one of the main reasons my partner(50) and myself(38) are now in a commited relationship and are going to try for a child.

    I was worried also, that my partner would think he was too old, and wouldn’t choose to have one and I might have to walk. He has grown children, and had said to a previous partner, no more kids.

    However, I took it to heart this story didn’t pressure in any way, until the time was correct for me to express my wishes. He responded very quickly, and started thinking about having a little person who we could both care for and create a lovely family. He was actually getting more and more excited about it. He’s even asked me if I have been to the doctor yet, to ensure everything is in working order etc. We did discuss that he would be an older father, and we both agreed, if this was going to happen it would happen naturally only and we were going to make an extra special effort to remain physically active, healthy and keep our minds active as well.

    This story, is THE main reason, I went down the path I did, have ended up SO happy with an older man, and am about to move to Canada permanently with him and try and have a family.

    The negativity and bitterness of some of these posters is just horrifying. Men MAY like younger women but they fall IN LOVE with women who make them feel good.

    I have 2 friends who are marrying/have married men 10 years younger than them. I dated a man 9 years younger.

    Who you are, and how you behave and present yourself and how you make a man feel, is the key. Nothing else.

    I’m so glad you have shared this story again Evan. I am very similar to this situation, and by assisting this woman, you have also assisted me. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

  2. 82
    AnnieC

    Sorry for the double post, took a bit to wade through all that.

    For those that are saying that he left for a week is a sign of a no-go, I think you are way off the mark in your judgment People are not robots. They aren’t always going to react in the best way or the way in which we hope.

    My sister case in point. She dated a man whom she really fell in love with(and he with her). He broke up with her twice. To so many here this might be a red flag, however the reasons this happened were a reaction he had to a terribly stressful situation that he was struggling to deal with. She did say to him, if this happens one more time, then I am out because it is too painful. As they worked through the issue, it was decided my sister would move to where he lived(Long distance relationship to begin with). Once she moved in with him, she began to understand the serious stress he was under, and how she was asking too much of him without understanding his situation.She was like the straw on the camels back.

    They now have a beautiful baby boy and are as happy as Larry. You just can’t know what is going through a persons mind or what they are experiencing moment to moment. It’s about giving things some time, and not seeing the bad in everything, but just knowing within yourself what you can tolerate and when to walk away. Being a strong person is about giving people chances even if they may hurt you.

    Only very damaged or emotional unstable people can’t risk a bit of hurt from time to time making demands that they themselves are not capable of honouring.

    1 week breakup? Meh…not even remotely a big deal.

  3. 83
    nathan

    Annie, red flags aren’t – in my view – an instant signal to reject someone. In the case of them coming up while in a relationship, they are a sign to pay closer attention to the situation, and halt the free flowing “green light” you might have had with the other person before.

    You act like questioning that point with the boyfriend is “awful,” but frankly, I’d argue it’s being wise. The times I have had a girlfriend break up and then come back over some issue, you better believe there was a period of re-establishing the connection and trust. And the same has been true the few times I have done the same. Furthermore, this is one of those life changing decisions – having children – that yes, stirs up all sorts of responses. But I doubt Michelle simply took him back after the break up and went back to 100% trusting him the way she did. It sounds like it ultimately has brought them closer together -which is wonderful – but as you said, people aren’t robots. And the majority of writers questioning that piece of the story know damn well that such a rift over an issue like children is “a big deal,” one that either could be the thing that glues two people together, or which tears them apart. The risk needed to happen, and maybe the small break up was for the best. But sometimes it’s not. Only time will tell which one it is.

  4. 84
    Androgynous

    Illeana at @66 – you’re right. We posters here do not know Michelle and have not invested in her the same way Evan has. We have every right not to feel inspired by this story, but not the right to be rude about it.
    While it is wonderful for Michelle to have found the man of her dreams willing to give her what she wants – a family, like a number of other posters here, I do wonder about the wisdom of new fatherhood at such at a relatively advanced age. I personally know of men in their 50s pressured into fatherhood (I use the word pressure because the men wouldn’t do it otherwise if they didn’t face the prospect of losing their beloveds) and while they may not come to regret their choice, the physical and mental toll on them has been very great – of course Mark could be the exception and his wealth so vast as to ensure a very comfortable upbringing for all of his current and prospective children. SO while this is a feel good story, there are elements of it that some people are wise to question.

  5. 85
    SS

    Like others, my worry is more about the fatherhood aspect than the age gap. If Michelle and Mark are happy with each other, more power to them and I wish them many wonderful years together!

    That being said, I was the “Michelle” in the story for most of my dating life. I’m only a year older than her now. I dated a few older men (and rejected others for age-related reasons), but the one issue I had with the ones I did like was the fact that they were reluctant to start another family or start a family at all.

    I didn’t blame them for feeling that way… I totally understand why a man in his late 40s or early 50s doesn’t want to start over again or become a father for the first time. I even saw this reluctance in men in their late 30s who had married early and now had three teenagers/young adults and considered themselves out of the raising newborn stage.

    However, I wanted children. I wanted a man who was eager to be a father for the first time (or another time) and not a reluctant one who had to be talked into it. I often ended these dating situations myself (or never let them get started) once the men expressed to me — without my prompting — that they really weren’t interested in kids. Plus, I did want a husband who, even if somewhat older than me, would still have a good 35+ years of time to enjoy his children. (Yes, I know we can never control when we’ll die and a healthy 25-year-old man can die in a car crash tomorrow, but I’m basing this on an average male life expectancy of about 75 years.)

    I do hope for Michelle that Mark finds himself adoring his second chance at fatherhood and that he lives a long and healthy life enjoying his children. It is a risk, however, that women in such a situation shouldn’t take lightly.

  6. 86
    Margaret

    @ Brenda, # 80. I am happy for you. But I still want a man at or within 10 years(if he is in good shape) . I don’t want to take on a sick old man when I didn’t have the good years. Congratulations to you!

  7. 87
    Margaret

    @ Soul #78 sorry for being a beotch. It’s just hard seeing eligible men my age going for women 20 years older, while I am supposed to be happy that some old foggie in his 60s or 70s will give me the time of day.

    I sincerely wish you happiness in your relationship. I, too, am successful and want the same in a partner.

  8. 88
    Margaret

    Oops, I meant 20 years younger! Either way, I wish you success and happiness.

  9. 89
    Soul

    @MArgaret

    I am a woman and I often get frustrated too lool. … and look at it this way: I’ll be the one stuck with an oldie foggie in his 70s when I am your age !!!!

    Thanx for your message and your nice words, I really appreciate it.

  10. 90
    Zaq

    A woman getting older is like a man getting shorter. Imagine a man being surrounded by hot women, but as the years go by he becomes less and less successful, because now he is shorter and no longer a catch.
    (yes I know it doesn’t happen to men)

    Perhaps that’s the problem. Women still expect to land the man that used to be in her league, but now isn’t.
    No one here is shedding a tear for young beta males who are losing women of their age to successful older men.
    Why is that ?

    If old men are the ONLY ones asking you out, then that IS your dating level. Take it or leave it. My guess is though that you do have more options.

    And what’s with all this not wanting to deal with sickness issues in 25 years time. Have you any idea how risky life is ?
    To have 10 years happiness together would be worthwhile.

    Here’s a salutary tale. I woman I know was finding it difficult finding a mate as she approached 30. She made it perfectly clear that she was not going to date an “old foggie”.

    Although she had little success in her 20s, as luck would have it, in her early 30s she met a young man with a good job, and quickly gave birth to a child. She got all those things that she had wanted.

    Unfortunately, within a year, her partner came down with an illness which led to him losing his job. He cannot now work and is mentally incapacitated. Although having to care for a young child, she is the only one capable of working to bring in money. I bet “Old foggies” are looking pretty attractive to her now !

    As the Dalai Lama said “people spend so much time planning for the future, and fail to live life NOW”

    1. 90.1
      Emma

      Look,I am 19 so no older woman here and I think of it like this:  
      It   is 2045,I am 50 and I am an undesirable old crone.
      Do I go with Plan A?  
      1.In the course of the next few years,I snatch a wealthy man(I have money) in his 40’s-50’s   (preferably in his 50’s,that makes me even more ”valuable” little gem in his filthy old eyes.
      2.He pops the viagra,he takes care of the job (not really).I lust over the pool boy or the gardener (and I do the crap out of them,depends on how I want to play it).  
      3.I have the children that I desire,as a ”young and fertile lady” but with a much less superior genetic coding (poor critters probably are going to have some health issues)  
      3. Well,(hopefully) he dies when I get into my 40’s (no amount of love or  
      ”alphaness” is going to compensate for the resentment over having to take care of an old man,while life is going on outside this ”sacred” union),I inherit the good money and live the good life,meanwhile my poor children miss their father.  
      4.At 50 and beyond,I use beautiful rent boys whenever I feel like it,if I feel like it.
      Or do I go with Plan B?
      1.I find the beautiful young man that my heart desires and I have a relationship suited to my youth.Young,strong maybe even succesful (why not ?I have a good deposit of money and a more than decent education myself,still going at it.)
        2.Beautiful,passionate relationship with all the perks that are reserved with the young and beautiful.  
      3. I have the children that I desire.Genetically superior,with a young father that can teach them things and guide them through life.  
      4.We divorce in my 40’s,since I am older than the dinosaurs and less desirable than vermin.He gets the beautiful young woman,he wants.
      5.I   have money and I use it as I see fit for myself.I cougar it up or do whatever I feel like at the moment.I want more money?I marry   the wealthy 80-year-old.Well,I am not in my 20’s anymore but to a man with failing vision and some ”perseverance” that no woman in her 20’s is going to have (she will be up the 50’s one),I will seem like a treat.   
      6.My children will still have their asshole father.He will be there for the important stages of their lives.Who knows,maybe we will even manage to have each other as   a friend from the good old times.  
        7.See Plan A:Step 4.  

      Now,now.I have already predicted what you are going to say.Who knows what will happen tommorow?Maybe,the young husband will be sickly before an ageing husband,but let’s be honest:The torment and frailty of a beautiful youth is for sure more attractive (and poetic) than the gradual loss of lustre,the living corpse.  
      In the end,no matter what is going to happen I prefer Plan B.At no point,do I see any real benefits in Plan A.
      It saddens me of course that I will get dumped by the love of my life and that he will no longer find me attractive but at least I get to have him for a little while,at his prime (that goes for me as well).I wish I could have him all for myself but I am under no illusions.It seems like a quite fair exchange after all doesn’t it?  
      Asyou say:live life now!I will,with beautiful young men!

    2. 90.2
      pat

      I hate to break it to you, but the only 20-something year old girls that go for significantly older men are either 1) gold diggers or 2) have daddy issues. I’ve only known 2 women that actually went for significantly older men – they were both bonkers and were rejected by guys within their own peer group. But when you are a 40+ man, a screwed up 20 year old is still a 20 year old and a younger man’s trash will be a 40+ year old’s treasure.

    3. 90.3
      pat

      Most stable, functional women date men within their peer group. Most marriages within the US occur within a 4 year age gap. That is the norm in our society. But keep telling yourself that old dudes are attractive to young women. lol

  11. 91
    Lisa

    I’ve known lots of May-December romances. Some elements common to all of them: The younger woman usually feels very proud of her charms and the older guy is financially stable, maybe wealthy. The woman usually isn’t and has no interest in pursuing a career, or she isn’t very good at anything in particular, but she wants a certain lifestyle, which usually includes a baby. They both feel like they’ve made a catch. That catch is based on traditional gender roles, no question.

    In all of these cases if there was a problem the woman left the man. In all cases as time went on the age difference became a burden for the younger woman. In some cases she had to leave her same-age friends because her husband didn’t fit in. In many cases the women are accused of being in it only for the money, even if he’s still attractive.

    I only know of one case where the situation was reversed–older woman, younger man (by 12 years). And yes, she was the rich worldly one and he was the young good-looking one who couldn’t make it on his own. He talked about his attractions to other women all the time, even though he wasn’t the unfaithful type.

    I don’t know of any professional women who married much older men. The May-December thing seems specific to career men with stay-at-home wives.

    Not judgments, just observations.

  12. 92
    Zaq

    @Lisa

    May-December romances are not at all uncommon, I know quite a few.
    The only common denominator that I can see is that the man is always confident and high status, but not necessarily wealthy.

    I can see little in common between the women.
    The women are usually more attractive than average. Some had children, some didn’t. Some were educated professional, only one stayed at home.
    Most of them had long marriages (some haven’t been going that long).

    Statistically May-December unions are longer lasting. Women are the ones who start divorce proceedings most of the time in any case, not men.
    As Psychology magazine article on unPC truths put it. Men marrying much younger women do NOT have mid-life crises.

    1. 92.1
      pat

      You may know “a few” May-December romances, but the vast majority of marriages in the US are couples within 4 years of age. May-Dec relationships are not reflective of what actually happens in reality.

      And just because women more commonly initiate divorce, it doesn’t mean that the husband had no part in the deterioration of the marriage or that the woman destroyed their marriage. It just means that the woman filed the paper work first. Goodness. You really need to lay off the MRA reading material.

  13. 93
    Gina

    Long time reader first time commenter. Just want to offer a little bit of perspective to all the people who say the 50year old guy is old compared to the woman.

    I bet a lot of the younger women who say they wouldn’t date anyone that much older would date George Clooney, a 50 ish year old man who routinely dates women in their early 30s.

  14. 94
    Margaret

    @Gina #103: We are talking George Clooney here! LOL, False equivalency. Sigh. Still, I *don’t* want George Clooney, even if he knocked on my door. I merely desire a man near my own age (51), in decent shape, who has his act together. That’s all. But it seems to be too tall an order.

    Sigh again. If only Mr. and Mrs. Katz, and by extension, Evan, had been born 20 years earlier. Then I could have availed myself of Evan’s expertise , and likely have made different choices in the past, believed more in myself, and be married with 1.8 kids now. And, I am not being facetious. As the Pink Floyd song goes, I missed the starting gun.

  15. 95
    Ana

    My sister married a man who was in his 50s when she was in her 30s. It was great until she was in her 50s and he was in his 70s. Suddenly, the age disparity made a big difference and eventually caused the marriage to break up. You see, she still had tons of energy, and contrary to what biologists and sexologist might say, a lot of 50 something women are really hitting their peak sexually in their 50s. Whereas, he no longer had the energy (sexually or otherwise) to keep up with her. She eventually came to feel like he was holding her back on life though she wasn’t the one who initiated the divorce. He did because he felt that they no longer had anything in common besides material things. Since their divorce my sister has gone through a transformation. She’s physically change for the better and is more active than ever, while her husband has slowed down so much he seems ready for a wheelchair. I hope your client doesn’t eventually become disillusioned like my sister and her husband did.

  16. 96
    Ana

    Just to see how differently people respond to May-December when the woman is older, read the negative comments thrown at the older woman on this thread:

    https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/i-dont-want-to-be-a-cougar-i-want-a-relationship-with-a-younger-man/

    Where are the stories about older women marrying younger men, since we know it happens. Maybe that’s why the women on this thread are so put off by the “isn’t this romantic” storyline here. The double standard is so obvious.

    The truth is probably more that some men will marry older, and some women will marry older. Most won’t. Probably just about anyone will marry younger.

  17. 97
    Man

    Why would an man who can get a 25yo marry a 35+ yo?
    In most occasions he wants sex and can’t get it elsewhere.
    As for the storyline, well if she wasn;t so bitchy to men in her 20s she may have married someone in his 30s.  

  18. 98
    Anon

    Evan, don’t you think he came back after one week because, she was the best of his options and he realized it- with a 15 yr. age gap, her being a stunner, I think this is the case.   Catherine Zeta Jones getting Michael Douglas is a lot easier than her shooting for a dude her own age- Brad Pitt? Do you think it worked out not because of your magic program, but because she set her goal low enough, so that is was probable, achievable?

  19. 99
    Mallarde

    I mean this constructively, but most women today seem to have no idea how their attractiveness wanes with age.   In previous generations, everyone knew this.   Now it seems that women have been trained in school or somewhere to misapprehend what age does to their attractiveness.
    The difference between a woman age 27 versus 33 for a man is enormous.   For many men, women over a certain age hold almost no physical attraction.   Marriages used to stay together (and some still do) because of the bond that formed when women were in the prime of their beauty.
    Now women expect to have fun until their beauty wanes and then expect men to continue chasing them and marry them.   Others expect to ditch their loving spouse and go chase men they decide are more exciting.

    1. 99.1
      babe

      I’m 47 and get told I’m hot and get picked up by men aged 21 to 34 on the daily!!!   It’s the guys my age and older telling me I’m past my expiration date.   Do I want to marry these young men and have children?   No.   That’s not realistic and unfair to them and the children.   But why do men my age not have the same compassion?   Some of these boys develop crushes on me and our relationships and flirtations have gone on for years.   I’ve tried dating age appropriate men and they always are messing with my head telling me I’m a has been etc.   It’s chauvanistic and misogynistic and I am sick of hearing how I should just drop dead because I’m not 25 anymore.   Women live to age 90.   Men 75.   You are telling women they are worthless for 60 years of a 90 year life span?   I would never tell any of my loving younger sex partners who pick up the pieces and wine and dine me every time a man my age or older messes up and we break up to marry me and give up the idea of having kids and get a puppy like this man has done to this poor young girl!   What a jerk and what jerks you all are telling women my age and older that we are all “old crones” and “low value” and “jealous” “haters”.   WTF?   Seriously?!?   I was never desperate enough to date much less marry a man in his fifties at age 30.   I keep dating younger men even as an “old crone”.   And at my age I want these guys to eventually start a family with a girl their own age because in my heart of hearts I truly love them.   But these older men (like Donald Trump for instance) or the man in this “love” story don’t really love these girls or they would wish them the best which is true love with someone your own age.   Not only are women my age being treated badly in this story (his ex wife, the women aged 45 to 55 consoling each other and crying BS) but so is she.   Your relationship advice to her is let him do whatever he wants, don’t criticize him, cater to his needs, ignore all your own needs and let’s all pretend you are living a happy ever after love story!   And consider yourself lucky just to even have a man after age 30!   I’m sorry but that is not a real relationship.     And any realistic woman who cries BS is a…….”hater”, “jealous”, washed up old has been????

      1. 99.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        “But these older men (like Donald Trump for instance) or the man in this “love” story don’t really love these girls or they would wish them the best which is true love with someone your own age. Not only are women my age being treated badly in this story (his ex wife, the women aged 45 to 55 consoling each other and crying BS) but so is she. Your relationship advice to her is let him do whatever he wants, don’t criticize him, cater to his needs, ignore all your own needs and let’s all pretend you are living a happy ever after love story!”

        And yet, 8 years after writing this blog post, they’re happily married. Perhaps you should resist drawing false conclusions until you know all the facts.

  20. 100
    marymary

    Mallard
    Thanks but we get reminded all the time.

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