Can a Smart, Strong, Successful Woman Get A Smart, Strong, Successful Man?

Hey Evan, I’m having trouble –as I guess most of the people on this blog are– with finding a partner. I took the big step of asking a friend to be brutally dead honest with me about why they thought I couldn’t find someone great. No wishy-washy answers about giving it time, or not meeting the right kind of people, just absolute dead straight feedback. They thought about it for a good long time, and then replied that I intimidate men. They pointed out that I have a very good degree from a top university, but more than that, in my personal life I am very straightforward and honest. I play no games, hide behind no lies and I play by my own rules. Basically it came down to the fact that I’m not super-feminine. I’m short and slim, and pretty enough if no great beauty, and I dress in a hyper feminine way: dresses, heels, makeup, hair done. I smile a lot. But personality-wise, I am not feminine in the least. I’m the kind of person that values energy, directness, and honesty, and provides them. I have a great sense of humor (verified by friends and family) and I am flippant rather than intense and romantic. My friend said that men didn’t like that. They didn’t like a woman who was funnier than they are, who would earn more at equivalent stages of life and who didn’t want a man to protect and look after her. My BIG question is: are there men who will want me as I am? I am willing to change a lot, but I’m not willing to become some submissive little doll of a woman who only cares about her husband’s success rather than her own. Am I destined to live alone, rolling in a big pile of money, but without anyone to share it with? Yes I have my faults, huge amounts of them, but would I be better off pretending to be someone else? –Amber

Hate to tell you, Amber, but…

Your friend lied to you.

You don’t really intimidate men.

Being feminine isn’t defined by long hair or a curvy body –– being feminine is about being receptive, warm, upbeat, nurturing, supportive, sexy, and confident in your own femininity.

The truth is that the men you want don’t want you in return.

This is the topic of the most popular blog post I’ve ever written, although I’m not exactly sure what’s up for debate.

Before I get into explaining my thesis, I want to backtrack a little bit.

It’s possible that you intimidate men. But even if you do, you wouldn’t really want to marry a man who is intimidated by you, right?

So if we can discard those guys who think you’re too much for them, why would any other man not want to be with you?

I don’t know you personally, but you’ve identified it yourself: “I am not feminine in the least.”

Being feminine isn’t defined by long hair or a curvy body or – as you falsely state – becoming some “submissive little doll of a woman.”

Being feminine is about being receptive, warm, upbeat, nurturing, supportive, sexy, and confident in your own femininity.

The great news is that you can still be smart, strong, and successful and possess ALL of these qualities.

But there simply aren’t many men who think that the most important qualities in a wife are straightforward, direct, flippant, funny and rich.

Sorry about that. I’m just reporting what you’ve already seen.

Now, to be clear, there’s nothing WRONG with being direct, honest, flippant, funny and rich (really, there’s not!). But you know who else is that way?

The men you’re looking to date.

Problem is: those men have no desire to date themselves.

This is the dichotomy of the smart, strong, successful woman.

You want to date the male version of yourself.

He doesn’t.

He’s looking for someone to complement him, to give him what he doesn’t get from his guy friends, what he can’t find in the office.

There’s one other thing that struck me about your email, Amber.

It was this line:

“They didn’t like a woman who was funnier than they are, who would earn more at equivalent stages of life and who didn’t want a man to protect and look after her.”

If we aren’t financially supporting you, if we aren’t protecting you, listening to you, helping to fix the plumbing, setting up the computer, picking you up at the airport… what exactly are we there for?

There’s just too many fallacies being thrown around here:

You’re too funny? And that’s a negative? My sister is certainly funnier than her husband. My mom was arguably funnier than my dad. Some people think my wife is funnier than I am (and I’m a former comedy writer).

So I’m not down with that. What I will agree with is that two people can’t be the center of attention and if you’re the center of attention and he (as an alpha male) likes to be the center of attention, his needs aren’t being met with you. Doesn’t make you wrong for being this way, but it might mean you need to choose a guy who can take a backseat to your big personality.

Your next point was about you earning more money than men.

Sure, some guys have their masculinity threatened by that. For many years, we’ve been taught that we have to be the providers – witness the number of women who expect men to pay for the first date, to pay for the wedding ring, etc. It’s not something that we can easily get over. At the same time, you making money is not the deal breaker you think it is – at least not with an enlightened man.

Listen, I’d love it if my wife made a million bucks. But in order to do that, she’d probably have to work 50-60 hours a week, go into the office on weekends, travel, and be less available for nights watching TV, weekend trips away, and regular sex. No, thanks. I’m fine with her making $50K.

Most other successful men have come to the same conclusion. If he does fine for himself, he doesn’t care what his wife makes. It’s only women who make a lot of money who care what their spouses make.

Finally, what you don’t seem to understand here, Amber, is that men want to be NEEDED. If we aren’t financially supporting you, if we aren’t protecting you, listening to you, helping to fix the plumbing, setting up the computer, picking you up at the airport… what exactly are we there for?

You wrote that you don’t “want a man to protect and look after” you.

That’s unfortunate. Because that’s what WE want to do.

As to your final question: “are there men who will want me as I am?”

Are there men who don’t want to be needed? Who value your directness over your supportiveness? Sure. Probably.

But they may not be the men that you want to date.

Despite your attraction, any strong-willed man will clash with you non-stop, so what you’re left with is a more pliant beta-male.

Those are your choices: soften up a bit and tap into your feminine side or find a softer man who embraces your directness because he doesn’t have it himself.

P.S. Most of my successful clients were the ones who chose different men instead of attempting to change their own personalities.

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  1. 91
    Karl R

    Cat5 said: (#103)
    “You have to speak up and ask/discuss what you need with the other person.  If you don’t, you can’t putting it on him/her for not providing it because no one is a mind reader.  If you do ask him/her for it and that person either won’t or can’t provide it, that is when you have a decision about whether you can live without it or it is a deal breaker and you need to end then relationship.”
    I’m going to second that. Nobody should be expected to read their spouse’s mind.
    You’re more likely to get a need (or want) met if the person is naturally inclined to do so. But you may be surprised at the needs/wants that can be met if you ask.

  2. 92
    Sparkling Emerald

    Cat @ 103 – I’m curious, does that mean that you won’t ask for or discuss with him what you need?
    I meant primarily in the courtship phase.  I won’t ask for a “state of the relationship” report, to spend X amount of time together, ask for daily phone calls, ask for PDA’s, or be the first to say the “L” word.  If I find myself wondering where I stand, then I’ll know I have no standing, and I’ll move on.
    As far as what I will ask for once a relationship has been established . . .  Well, I eliminate guys in the beginning (or they disappear) who don’t consistently put  forth the effort to make plans with me, communicate with me, show me care and affection, and let me know where we stand.  That’s pretty much all of my emotional needs that I care to let a man handle.  If he continues on in the pattern that has been established, I’ll be a happy camper, and there won’t be any reason for me to ask for anything.  If what we once had, starts to wane, FIRST, I’ll check my own behavior, see if there is something I let slide or am doing to push him away.  After checking and adjusting my own behavior, if the emotional distance doesn’t start to shrink, I may just take a walk down memory lane and say something like, “I remember when we first met and you did such and such and I just LOVED that  !” or “I was really disappointed when the yoga classes we used to go to together discontinued, I’d love to find another class, could you please let me know when a good time and day would be for you, so we can start going together again ? ”   If my guy were to continue the emotional distancing after I checked my own behavior, and tried to gently guide him back to the way we used to be, I think I would realize that the relationship was already dead, bury it, and move on. No point in beating a dead horse.
    As far as my other emotional needs, my GF’s can handle them, or I can handle them when I’m alone.  I don’t want to turn my man into my girlfriend.  I DON’T want to cry and bleed in front of him.  I don’t need nor want a man to be my emotional baggage handler.  I just want someone who will love me (with all of my flaws), spend a reasonable amount of time with me, show me physical affection (not just sexual)  and have fun with me.  I am looking for a play mate, not a social worker. 
    Karl R @ 104 “You’re more likely to get a need (or want) met if the person is naturally inclined to do so. But you may be surprised at the needs/wants that can be met if you ask.”
    Thanks Karl, could you give me an example of a woman’s need that you didn’t know she had, that you willingly met when asked ?  I’m genuinely curious, because my experience, and the experience of my GF’s has been pretty much, if they don’t meet the needs because they are naturally inclined to, they will resent any request from their woman . That’s why I just will decide early on if the level of emotional giving that is voluntarily given to me is sufficient.  If not, I’ll end it before it starts.  If yes, well I will continue to explore the possibility of a relationship.  If he starts running hot and cold, I’m outta there. (Still talking early phase here)
    As an example, the recently resurrected thread, from the guy who’s girlfriend asked for daily phone calls.  His reaction is pretty typical  in not only my experience, but the experience reported to me by my GF’s.  In fact, the accusation of turning into the mother, for a simple request, seems to be a recurring theme among men.  And if you look in that thread, you will see many guys DEFENDING that man, and talking about how important it was for him to stand his ground lest he become p—y whipped.  (I don’t know that that phrase was used, but that seemed to be the underlying fear)  I think EMK was one of the few male voices telling the dude that he was just straight-up being a bad boyfriend. 

  3. 93

    I think there is a misunderstanding about the word needy and need. Being needy is to be excessively solicitous of affection, contact, and time. Excessive being the operative word. Is the contact interrupting other conversations with family or other friends? Are the frequent calls interrupting work and becoming a topic of conversation for coworkers and supervisors? Would you like it if someone else touched you so often you started to move away to have a little space to yourself? That is needy.
    Wanting to hear the voice of the one you love daily isn’t needy. I hate to say this but I think the paradox with the meaning of need is related to level and quality of relationship. When I have been involved with a woman and felt like daily contact was too much I knew that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. Even if you can’t articulate why, you already know there is no future. That is an indication for me to break things off.
    When I need or want to hear her voice daily, I know there is a future. The few times I have really been in love, I wanted and needed a daily connection to her. Hers’ was the first and the last presence I sought out each day. Need in the context of love is an enhancement to life. It is contentment in anything I do.

  4. 94

    Example of needy:
    My friend is going through a break up with her boyfriend of 7 years, this is something she wants and its been going south for several months. Whenever I am with her, even before she started the break up talk (they have a child so its more challenging) her boyfriend texts her every 5-10 minutes to check in with her, he also texts her mother and sister. Needing to chat once a day is a breeze compared to that.

  5. 95
    Sparkling Emerald

    Joe @ 99  Star, I’m sorry, and I really don’t mean this in a snide, sarcastic way at all (because I think you’re really smart and have provided some great observations in your comments), but if you can’t understand the difference between showing someone you need them, and being needy, I can’t really explain it – it’s that obvious.
    Joe, I know you didn’t need to be snide, but I can understand StarThrowers comments, in light of the fact that she was talking about the thread from the guy who felt a girlfriend who craved daily phone calls was being “too needy”. (see link below)  Most couples consider daily communication to be part of any healthy, loving relationship, and not “too needy.” That usually happens with no one having to ask for it. And if it is asked for by one of the parties involved, if the answer is “NO WAY” then time to move on.  Thanks to Bob @ 106, it’s good to know that there are men out there who don’t think it’s needy, unreasonable or manipulative for a woman they love to want daily contact.
    Personally, I don’t think the woman was being needy, I think her supposed boyfriend was being emotionally stingy.  Too bad SHE wasn’t the one to write to EMK, and get the kick-in-the-caboose message that HJNITY.  She could have avoided another 2 years of being strung along, only to have her boyfriend break up with her, by leaving town for 2 weeks and not calling for 4 days. (and I do believe, that the trip was an EXIT strategy, not a vacation)
    Bottom line in relationships, if both people are on the same page about relationship needs, and are both willing to meet each others needs, they consider that as “having needs”.  When one partner is unwilling to meet the others needs, no matter how typical or reasonable the expressed needs are, they label the other person as needy.

  6. 96
    Karl R

    Sparkling Emerald asked: (#105)
    “Thanks Karl, could you give me an example of a woman’s need that you didn’t know she had, that you willingly met when asked ?”
    Off the top of my head, I can think of a couple things my wife wanted that I was unaware of and not instinctively inclined to provide. I believe I was already aware of everything she needed.
    Example 1:
    My wife grew up with southern manners and hospitality. I didn’t. She let me know that she’d prefer it if I would adopt a few, but she also let me know that it wasn’t a dealbreaker issue. I don’t always remember, but I make an effort to.
    Example 2:
    My wife recently mentioned that she dislikes grocery shopping, but she dislikes it less if I’m along for company. This was a surprise to me, since her behavior on previous shopping trips led me to believe that she enjoyed grocery shopping. (She frequently putters around looking at stuff that’s not on the list, while I just try to get the chore of shopping over as quickly as possible.) In the interest of marital harmony, it’s not that big of a sacrifice to go grocery shopping with her some of the time.
    Since I want a strong, healthy, happy, long-lasting marriage, it is in my best interest to do things that will make my wife happy. I can accomplish this more easily if I know what will make her happy.

  7. 97

    @Sparkling Emerald #102
    “Oh, my Emerald…once again you’re spot on! If I wasn’t already taken, I’d be chasing you down!    
    Thanks   You’ve just made my day.  Tell me, is it the sandwich, the monkey love, or the chance to be my handyman ?   “
    All the above, though any one would be a great start, and any two is a winning hand! 🙂 All three? <Joe walks away speechless>

    Actually what probably made the strongest impact was when you said “let the man be the man”…perfect! (And really the bottom line of Evan’s blog. Heck – he could just have that on page one and be done with it! lol)
    Re: Your question to KarlR about what kinds of needs she asked to be met.
    This is good stuff – like Karl, I’ve met requested needs because she asked for them in a way that was respectful. You know everything you said about letting men help you? That’s the key. If you approach a man from the perspective of asking for his help rather than telling him to do something you’ll get a much better response. Part of that is to ask for help when there’s no stress/conflict.
    Imagine asking your boyfriend for help in lifting a big box. It wouldn’t be emotionally charged, right? You wouldn’t be concerned or think about how you would ask – you’d just ask in a normal voice, normal words, with a normal tone.
    Now think about using the same voice, kinds of words and tone when asking for help with not feeling insecure when he pays more attention to other women at parties. Not asking for help with changing his behavior, not telling him he needs to change, not telling him what the solution is, but asking for help.
    This plays right into the nature of men to want to be helpful, to be useful to you. And when he decides to pay more attention to his behavior you both win! You gain respect for him, trust between you improves, and he feels like he did something for you, not something demanded by you. And you feel like you can go to him with emotionally-charged issues and be heard.

  8. 98
    Sparkling Emerald

    Hi Karl – 109  Thanks for your response !
    I was mostly talking about EMOTIONAL stuff, not like help with the grocery shopping, which I consider a practical need,  but it’s nice to know that you do stuff like that for your wife. Your description sounds exactly like joint grocery shopping with both my ex-hubbies.  They just zoomed in and got the job done, while I looked at everything and anything weather it was on the list or not.  Must be a Venus/Mars thing 🙂
     Most of my emotional needs are the type that are established in the beginning of a relationship. And if they aren’t freely given with out prompting, then I’ll pull my own disappearing act. I don’t think a man has to be a mind reader to ask a girl to be his girlfriend, say “I Love you” first, etc.,  just be willing to take the risk, and more importantly, REALLY MEAN IT.  No psychic abilities needed.  (Man led courtship is my number one emotional need)  Once a commitment has been made, there’s not much more for me to ask for in the EMOTIONAL realm, if he’s committed to me, & consistently tells me he loves me, shows me physical (sexual and non-sexual) affection, communicates respectfully with me, then I don’t need much else in the EMOTIONAL realm.  Almost anything he offers me above and beyond that, I’ll accept.
      Most problems I would ask a man to solve, would be something that could be fixed with a screw driver or WD40.  I guess you could say kill the scorpions in the house for me is an emotional need, because I am bug-phobic.  I’ve never had to directly ask for that. All I have to do is scream ! Any time a man (hubby, brother, father, son, friend, etc)  has been in my home and has heard me scream upon sighting a creepy crawler, they come running to rescue the damsel in distress.  Must be something embedded deep in the male psyche.
      I have some quasi emotional needs that I would ask for once a relationship has been established.  I would like to do more physical activity, it would be nice if my man would join me.  Yoga, hiking, biking, go to the gym.  I even put that in my profile.  (which is inactive now, until my divorce becomes final) So that’s a combination physical/emotional need.  I guess another practical/emotional need would be talk to the auto mechanic.  Yes, having the auto repaired is a practical need, but I feel that mechanics will try to pull the wool over a female customer eyes (although I really trust my current mechanic) so yes, I would ask an established BF to do that for me.  Also, if I had to buy a car, ask an established BF to negotiate the price.  Again, a practical/emotional need.  Yes, I have to buy the car, but most men have more of whatever it takes to dicker for the price.  (Maybe that’s why it’s called DICKering)
     I guess I have one purely emotional need that could ONLY be asked for after the relationship has been established, and that would be, to be my “plus one”, for weddings, office parties, class re-unions, etc.  I would never ask a someone who was only a potential relationship to be my +1 (that would send him running for the hills) but if after a relationship has been firmly established that would be an emotional need I would ask for.  I wouldn’t expect or demand 100% participation, but if being my +1 was rarely or never, that would be a deal breaker for me.
      As far as household chores, I won’t ever ask again for help with traditionally female stuff, but I sure would be glad if he offered. As far as the “manly” chores go, sure, I’ll ask for help with that, but I don’t really consider that an emotional need tho, that’s a practical need.

  9. 99

    Helen @55
    Both men and women will have to change, or there will be fewer matches.  As women earn as much or more than men, they won’t all be able to find higher income men to marry.  Women may have to accept that if she doesn’t need to be protected from sabre toothed tigers, maybe she doesn’t need that big strong alpha male.  As women become more independent, all men will not be able to find “submissive” partners.  Men may have to appreciate a woman more for her accomplishments.  That said, for a long period of time to come it may still benefit men to be high earning alpha males, and benefit women to show their softer side in the dating world.
    JoeK @94 and Sparkling Emerald @98 nailed it.  As does EMK.  You can stick to your guns and demand to be appreciated for what makes you most proud of yourself.  In which case your dating pool will be smaller unless what you are most proud of is what men want.  Or you can listen to the people telling you what most men appreciate, in which case you will be appealing to a wider spectrum of men.  Each individual woman must decide for herself whether the changes in behavior required to render her more attractive to men are worth the mental / emotional sacrifice.
    FWIW, men face the same pressures.  Women tend to prefer high income alpha males.  If that comes naturally to a guy, good for him.  If not, he can lament that few women appreciate his low-income beta sensitivity.  Or he can hit the gym, kick it into gear at work and grab some alpha.  Trust me, plenty of guys find “playing the game” just as emotionally draining as when smart accomplished go-getting women are asked to show their softer side on dates.

  10. 100

    Its simple. Men will take a woman for more than success and drive. Men have for years been the providers they have no qualms about dating a beautiful young woman who they have found in the poorest suberb. On the flipside women who have now become equal in earning power anda lot of women have become very successful still look for the characteristics that they have been programmed to look for in men since the dawn of bloody time. Success money and social standing! This in retrospect means that women with a high earning power and who are successful look for men of equal or actually i should imagine more to the point GREATER standing in society. This is mother nature! 

    Even if a women dates a man earning less and claims love sooner or later she will grow bored and move to someone who can provide more. Women especially ones with money and power have even more options couple that with beauty and you have a power house that’s not only hard to please but in some cases almost psychologically damaged in the pursuit of finding the next best things or a man who is earning more. 

    I am a care assistant i messed up a little in life low self esteem and recently came out of an abusive relationship. If i a well dressed male confident and not bad looking was to approach a women in society who earns lets say 80K and i told her of my profession would she consider me as a mate? I doubt it. Reverse that role the man earns 80K and a young attractive female approaches him. The man is unlikely to even ask the question of how much do you earn or even what her job entails as he is only interested in other features. 

    Both sexes are different. Feminism has created in its strive for quality a huge void of just what it strives against in society. More men and women are single these days than ever before. Women are more willing to divorce or leave boyfriends before even discussing issues and often line up multiple suitors if they choose to do so. As women have more choice less reliance on men some men including myself are being left to rot. 

    Look i am excepting that i am unless i improve my income greatly in the next 5 years i am going to spend the rest of my life either being used and abused or single. Women expect to much from men they bargin and manipulate with sex and to make matters worse often deny any wrong doing. 

    Abusive relationships on the part of the women are buried by our governments and TV adds warning of abuse focus on domestic violence by men. Disregarding the amount of emotional abuse men take from women in flirting with other men, depriving sex with no explanation, and many many other actions. Both sexes want to be equal so lets start being equal i say. Sadly society and outdated laws / sayings like, Tall Dark and Hansome and must like Pink and sugar and spice need to DIE along with females repeatedly getting away with domestic violence and abusive natures. 

    it sucks being a man in this day and age. Getting a girlfriend is next to impossible for me and many of my friends. It took me until 26 to actually make love to a women for god sake. Women expect everything and in some cases don’t even understand why they want things.

    If you hit a woman your a monster yet if your kind and gentle you TO FUCKIG easy and boring. Never mind if that’s what attracted her in the 1st place. 

    Just just drop dead honestly this whole article is a homage to the self entitled bullshit we men have to put up with. Why can you not settle with a kind caring man who has good morals works hard and will support you? 

    Wheres the male article I WANT HER TO BE SUCCESSFUL AND RICH? There isnt one because at the end of the day we are the fairer sex not women. 

    I am a good looking guy 29 tall hansome etc but these qualitys will not net me a sexy high earning women. Yet the same qualities in a women will net them a high earning man.

    Its not fair life is not fair! But hearing self entitled shits whine about how they are hard done by and cant find a rich man to match there rich background education or just drive is sickening. Try you know loving someone not what they offer you. 

    God why why did you make me a man. Maybe there is a drug i can take to become gay. 

    1. 100.1

      I’m so sorry you’re having this experience! I wanted to put in my 2 cents. I’m dating someone who makes a lot less money than me. He has showed me from the beginning that I am his “special girl,” through compliments, treating me like a lady when we go out, makes sure ALL men know that I am with HIM, appreciating my physical appearance, and doing small things within his budget like surprising me with a cheap bottle of wine. He has walked his ass to and from my place many, many times. Our connection and how he treats me far outweighs dollar bills. I think perhaps if you feel a strong connection with a girl, just pull out the stops and show her how special you think she is, obviously without being a creeper. And if a love interest rejects you, try, and try again with others. I’ve lived in Europe for quite some time and the men there are less afraid of rejection, they also make sure you know how special they think you are. I’ve never been hit on so much in my life. Rejection is a part of dating. Even though we say no, we are most likely flattered. I know a couple who are together and happy for a couple years now, and she rejected his advances for a year and a half. He’s a good guy though, not sleazy.

  11. 101

    Wow! I can’t believe it!
    You all think you should change your self or, change the”person” you should be looking for????
    If you are a smart,  strong and independent woman , why struggle so much with finding a partner?
    Enjoy your independence , spend time with  people that  make you laugh, make you feel, challange your  your intellectual ideas, Make you  live yourvlife wholeheartedly!
    There is more to life than a partner , if one comes along that adds to yor life experiences,  it’s rare, most people just exist in relationships  . That’s reality, …. embrace it 

    1. 101.1

      [email protected]   – It sounds to me like you are suggesting that people just give up on finding love.  Most people are hardwired to want to partner up.  (Survival of the human race depends on it, so it only makes sense that we would crave this) So why advise people to just forget about it ?  I don’t understand why it has become so difficult now a days for people to do what we were designed by nature to do.  Our increasingly selfish society perhaps ?

  12. 102

    I have a guy who came back into my life after a complicated situation, and said he wanted to be exclusive. (yipee! clap clap) I thought I had lost him, and I was really broken up about it, to my surprise. On paper, this guy was not good relationship material and I struggled a lot with succumbing to my intense feelings and using common sense. Two of my friends told me, I could “do better.” He had hit some hard times when we met. Lost his job. Doesn’t have a car. I have been thinking a lot about this phrase: “do better.” What my friends don’t understand is that even though I had to pay for our outings, and I’d let him use my car for things, is that he is a wonderful companion. He voices how much he cares about me. Incredible sex. We laugh and have fun. He appreciates my physical appearance. He treats me like a lady when we go out, (I LOVE that). He checks in with me, often. Even when we were broken up he couldn’t go more than 3 days without talking to me. When I am with him I feel loved and appreciated. He did lots of very nice things for me, with what resources he had. Even now, he’s left town for work for a couple of weeks, I can count on him to be there in some way. He is my friend. That’s what I missed, even though he’s dirt poor, and I’m probably smarter, I freakin’ missed my friend and companion! One of my friends harped on me about letting him use my car. Well, I didn’t have a car for 6 months and I got help from my friends! I would be ‘marrying down,’ if this gets to be long term. But the package doesn’t matter to me, the quality time matters to me. He likes strong, successful women. He is such a caring person and treats me how I like to be treated in relationships. Oh well he’s never going to have a white collar job, but is that really that bad to be with someone who can’t pay for my drinks? The economy is still in the pits. There was a time you didn’t have to make a ton of money in this country to make it, and those days are gone. Maybe my big ego is satisfied with being the breadwinner too….This thing happened last night, and I believe as a result of reading these blogs I can now see how I react to our relationship, usually with selfishness. He asked me for my password to Hulu. My initial reaction was: “Go pay for it yourself, dummy!” But having lost him for a while I realized that is how he does things. He shares, he’s a what’s mine is yours type. How many times has he been there for me when I needed/wanted something? THANK GOD for this website.

  13. 103


    I love your blog. I find this particular conversation fascinating.  I do agree that on a certain level men “want” to be needed.  However, I’m not sure how that always translates IRL.

    I lived with someone for 7 years. We got together right after college  and bought a house. He made 5 times what I did and he wanted to split everything 50/50. I got another job on the weekends to help at my portion of the bills and I had school loans as well.  When, my car broke down, he certainly did not appear to “want” to take me to get if fixed and I generally ended up calling a friend to do so.

    I was was married for 12 years.  My x struggled with staying employed so u was the breadwinner. When I had a car accident with our 3 kids, he did not come get us-he was playing video games. I had to call a friend to get us and he was hurt that I asked same friend to take me to get a rental the next day. He didn’t seem to be bothered that I paid the bills but when he left he said I “doubted he would take care of us”. He was having an affair with a college student.

    I am very independent and I realize that is seen as a negative by many. I have a tendency to be attracted to my opposite which is very sensitive men. I am very nurturing, however, I have always paid for everything since I was 16. That being said, I do think some men want to be “needed” more than others.  I have never been referred to as needy or clingy, and I want to be more open and vulnerable in my next relationship.

    That being said, regardless of gender, I believe we all need to be responsible for ourselves and have the capabilities of taking care of ourselves. I’ve seen too many women fall into the “he wants to take care of me” role only to be left wondering “what do I do now?”


  14. 104

    I’ve always done a lot of “masculine” things: flying, ATC, fan of Sci-Fi, executive positions in business, but I have a really strong feminine side (I think). I love men who just take the lead -I’ll give in to them every time. I love men period, full-stop.

    My last three months of online dating has been, at best, disappointing.

    And my guy friends aren’t responding well to me being online.

    “Honey, we love you, you’re fabulous, but you must know, you scare the shit out of most guys.”

    Why? I ask. And they give me all kinds of vague feedback.

    “You’re intimidating.”

    “You’re fabulous, but you’re kind of a lot for most people to handle.”

    “You kind of fill up the room; most guys don’t want their GF to be the centre of attention.”

    “You have a big personality, that’s hard for any guy to deal with.”

    I’m waiting for delivery of Finding the One Online, but I’m not sure it will be of any help. It’s all I can do to hold back the tears right now. It all feels so hopeless. I’m not convinced it has anything to do with my technique and everything to do with who I am.

    Before I ventured into online dating I was so sure of myself. I was so secure in who I was, my values, how I saw my future.  And I’m still there, but I’ve found the assault on those things almost more than I can handle. I get it’s all about balance, but I just haven’t been able to figure it out!

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