Do You Want Your Partner To Treat You Like Royalty?
Have you ever been treated like royalty by a romantic partner?
Have you ever had someone offer to give you a foot massage after you worked out?
Have you ever had someone make you breakfast while you were still sound asleep?
Have you ever gotten a card that made you cry? Or a gift that made you gasp?
What a wonderful feeling, to be loved, appreciated, and honored. This kind of generosity doesn’t happen often, and when it does, it can be fleeting.
But it doesn’t have to be.
So what does it take to have a partner treat you like royalty?
Treat your partner like royalty every single day.
…Treat a guy well and he’s not going to go anywhere.
Simple.
Treat your partner like royalty every single day.
Impossible, you say. You can’t make a partner be as thoughtful and generous as you.
Ah, but you can.
Treat a guy well and he’s not going to go anywhere.
In Why He Disappeared, I outline some of the most common ways that women unintentionally sabotage their own relationships.
Once you learn how some of your thought patterns and behaviors can accidentally alienate men, you can make slight adjustments which will create long-term connections.
If you’re like me, you get along with most people. You don’t necessarily want everyone to be your best friend, but there aren’t many folks that truly rub you the wrong way.
When you look at the few people who do, you’ll probably notice a pattern.
The people that you can’t be yourself around are either:
Self-indulgent, narcissistic, arrogant, and outwardly rude.
Or…
People who make you feel wrong.
Now, none of us like to think that we’re arrogant and rude.
But when it comes to relationships, we often find tiny ways to make our partners feel “wrong.”
Imagine you had a boyfriend who said things like:
“Why don’t you grow your hair longer?”
“Why do you always complain about your job?”
“How come you can never do anything spontaneously?”
“Maybe you should start working out more.”
“Why are you always talking to other men at parties?”
“How come you’re always hanging out with your annoying girlfriends?”
Yeah, guys can be really critical and blunt sometimes. I’m not going to defend their behavior for a half a second.
However, I’d like to point out that you probably do the same exact thing:
See, it’s easy to remember all the minor criticisms you’ve received.
It’s a lot harder to recall all of the digs you’ve taken at the men you’ve dated.
“Why can’t you put away your clothes in the hamper?”
“Would it kill you to make plans with me more than a day in advance?”
“Why didn’t you make a bigger deal about my birthday?”
“How come you’re always running 15 minutes late?”
“Why is watching football with your friends more important than seeing me?”
“Why do you always wear that ratty old shirt?”
See, it’s easy to remember all the minor criticisms you’ve received. It’s a lot harder to recall all of the digs you’ve taken at the men you’ve dated.
But you’ve done it. We all have.
Alas, nobody likes criticism – even if it’s valid.
Your observations may be correct, but your messaging needs a lot of work.
So if a guy told you to lose weight or stop seeing your friends, you’d probably get really angry with him. You’d have every right to, and I can see why you feel justified in your anger.
Because you want to be loved unconditionally. Because you want to be accepted for who you are. Because you don’t want to have to change for anyone.
Yet, somehow you still think it’s fair that your boyfriend should change for you.
It just doesn’t work that way.
True love is about accepting his flaws – not because he’s perfect – but because you want him to accept YOUR flaws as well.
By telling you to accept your man for who he is, I don’t mean that you should start putting up with unacceptable behavior. The man who cheats or lies or can’t communicate or commit is a man that should be LEFT, not changed.
But if you’ve got a decent guy who is flawed (as all of us are), it means offering him more positive reinforcement and less negative reinforcement.
What happens when a man says something nice to you – compliments you on your eyes, or your wit, or your triumph at work? It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
It works the same way for us.
Positive reinforcement makes a man feel great about himself AND about you.
On the other hand…
Negative reinforcement makes him feel bad about himself and about you.
Why? Because nobody wants to be told that he’s “wrong.”
I can only imagine how you feel about me because I’m telling you this!
Understand, being critical is a universal trait – not just a female one.
The great news is: by being a more supportive and accepting girlfriend, you actually bring a better side out in your man. That’s right.
Most men are used to women telling us what’s wrong with us. When we find someone who accentuates the positive and ignores the negative, we feel like a million bucks.
Want to be treated like a princess? Start treating your men like kings.
My wife is gifted at this.
She has set the bar so high, that I have no choice but to jump it.
It’s hard not to give when you receive as much as I do.
In that way, HER generosity has made ME a better husband.
YOUR generosity will do the same.
You can literally TRANSFORM men just by treating them with more kindness and respect.
This concept works on dates, in business, with family.
Want to be treated like a princess? Start treating your men like kings.
I heartily agree.
I agree as well….I truly enjoy bringing out the best in my man. Makes me happy to see him perk up when I sincerely say awesome things about him. I try and do this with everyone and the kind words I get in return makes me feel good!
I would also add to this article that, as a woman, you are you able to not be silent on criticism or find so much to criticize, he is NOT the right man.
That support and non criticism is also crucial in supporting the man’s MISSION. For most men, their mission is their career, but not always. It could be a hobby or a cause that he is passionate about. I went out on a date with a man who was telling me he is away skiing pretty much the whole winter. Right then I thought to myself, “I cannot support this man’s ‘mission’.” I would be resentful that he would gone all the time, which would probably cause me to be bitchy about it and towards him. Neither would I ask him to ever give up his passion or make a demand he do that.
All of this support and kindness towards him and his mission have to be genuine and cannot be faked. It’s very gratifying and provides the best feeling to be genuinely and unconditionally.
(To re-iterate what Evan said, this does not include accepting a man who is a workaholic or any of the other examples he cited. And it does not mean we’re a saint by walking over the clothes that are dropped on the floor next to the clothes hamper each day, every date 🙂
Sorry, that first paragraph is horribly written, here’s a reword:
I would also add to this article that, as a woman, if you are not able to stop yourself from criticizing and/or find so much to criticize, he is NOT the right man.
Okay, lets start the betting pool for how many comments will get posted before someone exaggerates what Evan wrote into the message that women should be submissive obsequious placaters 🙂
#5 Steve
I say two more ‘reasonable’ comments, then the exaggeration/outrage post 🙂
A number of years ago a friend of mine bitterly separated from his wife and got his own place. I had been friends with both of them for years and I was amazed at the intensity of the separation. After more than a year they began talking through a marriage counselor. I was completely dumbfounded that that cause of my friend’s *ANGER* and leaving his wife was simply that she criticized him all of the time. One day, he just had enough.
IMHO, when asked, “Why didn’t you, or how come you did” types of questions using a critical tone, most individuals feel immediately defensive and irked, but if they have a healthy, strong core, they don’t feel wrong. They will think the other person sounds critical and that their criticism is more of a reflection on them than the person they’re speaking to.
If a man tells a woman, ‘Why don’t you grow your hair longer?’ her response should be because “I like my hair short;” and not allow his comment to somehow make her feel that she’s wrong for not having long hair. And if a man told me to lose weight, etc., I wouldn’t feel irked because of wanting him to love me unconditionally or accept me as I am. I would feel irked because he was behaving like a pompous, insensitive jerk.
Part of what sometimes leads to criticism, unless you happen to be a naturally critical person (and there are many), doesn’t lie in not treating each other like royalty, but in taking each other and your life together for granted. At some point in a long-term relationship, most people move into this comfort zone without even realizing it. Which I suppose you could say is a version of not treating each other like royalty. 😉
There are ways of letting someone know how you feel without sounding critical in tone or words. It’s also about choosing the right time for the delivery. If you marry someone and they really cannot stand one of your habits, do you truly want them to remain silent all those years for fear of sounding critical or for the sake of seeming to blissfully accept you exactly as you are? (This is not meant to imply that this is what I think Evan is saying.) That’s not trusting yourself, them or your relationship enough to be authentic; not cruel, but real. When done right, this kind of communication can actually bring you closer, assuming you are both emotionally healthy to begin with because it opens the door to truly accepting each other as you are.
Anyway, I digress a bit. I think Evan’s article brings up how important it is to treat each other well, so that you will have many happy years together.
Defensiveness is a sign of a very insecure person and it is deadly to a relationship. I was with a terribly insecure person who jumped into defensive mode at the drop of a hat, eventually causing the end of the relationship.
Spot on!
Agreed!!
Okay, we have Denise down for 2 more comments. I’ll take 4. Any other takers? The grand prize is Evan and his wife hosting you for a fancy dinner in a swanky LA restaurant 🙂
Diana, sometimes I tell women that I like, not to lose any more wait, for the simple reason that, other men won’t look at them if they have a weight problem. hhhmmmhh…. : )
ha!, he, he, that was funny, I misspelled weight….
Is airfare included?
@ Steve
I think that people may surprise you. I personally didn’t see Evan’s post as “If you want to keep a man, make sure you put on your biggest smile, pander to him, and make him feel like a god no matter what he does” but more of “If you partner is mostly a good guy, but has a few minor flaws, what is to be gained by disregarding all his qualities and focusing on his flaws?”
It is the difference between a person constantly missing dates with you (without calling) and a person being 15 minutes late to every date. Are those 15 minutes really worth even mentioning? Wouldn’t it be better to let those 15 minutes slide and instead recognize the fact that he cleaned his truck inside and out just for your date? It is not as if he ditched you or anything, so why treat it as such.
I personally hate it when I work my bum off to be a loving and supportive girlfriend to a man, only to have him focus on small flaws. It makes you feel as though the person does not appreciate all the good that you do. (whether they do or not, that is how their complaining can be perceived by a person who hears far more criticism then recognition).
The reason I do not date or end dating is because men are so critical. I can only speak as a woman. In courting, they are over the top with compliments. After you are sleeping with them, they get ridiculous–career, hair, personality, money…Sometimes it’s said overtly, or implied, basically you must be a perfect goddess with the traits I prefer. My pov is to treat them as special every day I see them, I enjoy giving, but these attitudes end up w/ me 1 day saying get out, and then they act surprised. They like me, but take what is good as granted, chip away at flaws. And they themselves are not a god. As soon as I sense ego and arrogance, or rudeness towards anyone, I get queasy.
Nowadays men are so ignorant they will insult you to be noticed, etc. I find a man who actually has anything to offer, sans arrogance, extinct or fronting till they get involved and revert to disrespecting and taking for granted..
I suppose a few men exist not like this, but it’s rare. In this world, anyone above average feels the need to throw their weight around, oblivious to the fact being solo is preferable to the insufferable.
My take on this is that assertiveness works better than criticism, when there is a legitimate need to raise an issue. If you say “I don’t like… or I prefer it when…” you are not giving an order like “Stop doing that thing!”. If you just make your preference known it’s up to the other person if they want to change their behaviour or not. You avoid coming across as controlling or bossy. Sit back, relax and see if your partner wants to please you…!
#14 mo
Sounds like you’re making bad choices in regard to the men you are dating AND/OR you are not seeing things realistically. Both of these things seem to be giving you the mistaken impression that all 150 million plus men out there are all the same. ???
Denise, maybe I do or don’t make “bad choices”. Maybe you do, for all I know, but really don’t care. If you found my comment flip, whatever. It’s obvious these choices did not work. I never said 150 million men are the same. I do believe men are arrogant in expecting a level of perfection they do not meet themselves and that if I adopted such an attitude, they would be offended. If I wanted to twist your comments around I could, but that doesn’t interest me in the least.
My boyfriend says all the time that he’s never dated anyone who went to such conscious lengths to treat him well on a daily basis. He says he often wonders why I would even date him, when in fact we are quite well matched! It is just that no one he ever dated went out of their way to make him feel like the good guy before, so it is still hard for him to believe that that’s how I really see him. It is!
@Shouraku, Steve’s joke/bet had to do with the fact that Evan’s advice is frequently reinterpreted by readers(usu. the female ones) to mean that women should be doormats who let their boyfriends husband cheat, walk all over them, have affairs with their ex-partners, etc. No matter how sane the advice (and the frequent reminders that you should NOT stick around and cater to someone who is a player or who is otherwise no good), there is frequently a LOT of outrage from the female readers.
So read the old posts and you’ll see why he made this joke. I’m a newer reader here and I’m shocked at how many things seem to outrage my fellow females, esp. the advice to let guys be guys, to trust people from the start, or the idea that someone enjoying certain things is not automatically a sign that he thinks you are ugly or that he is disrespecting you.
What also happens is that many people were married or dating people that they didn’t have to work that hard to catch and keep(which I think is often the case when you are young and hot), so that is taken by many to mean that the advice to make your man feel good about himself is misplaced.
It seems as if a lot of women will add about 10 layers of meaning to everything, as the sample questions in the post indicate. So no, someone wanting to watch a football game is just someone wanting to watch the football game, not, oh my gosh, you love football more than me, why don’t you love me, oh no, you are looking at those cheerleaders and hate that I don’t look like that. It goes on and on and on.
I think the “bet” kept all of the people who’d normally write in to angrily criticize the advice that women should be doormats who have to do all of the changing to keep a man.
@Andrea
Oh, I get the joke. The humor was not lost on me at all (have been reading the blog though not always posting for almost 6 months). I just think that all joking aside, Evan’s post was very clear about pointing out that accepting a person for who they are is not the same as accepting poor behavior.
This is why I believe that Steve’s prediction/joke didn’t come to fruition (yet at least), because Evan was abundantly clear in his writing.
I am bit confused…
Here Evan suggest us to treat our partners like kings if we want to be treated like princesses…Other dating coaches say that this is the relation killer…giving all our attention, leaning farward…while they simply enjoy, perhaps not walking away(for awhile), and most of the time not giving back.Is my case also, i keep giving, and giving, and treat him like a king, but all i recive from him is .. not walking away…But no future plans, no commitment no nothing..(and is not like he didnt promisse anything in beggining.. HE DID) I know I must walk away, and i will, is only that is not so easy because i moved in other country to be with him and i need first find a job back in my home country.. So, where is the truth in the end? perhaps somewhere in middle? Sorry for my poor english..
That one’s easy, Anamari. You treat a man well because quality men respond better to good treatment. However, if you don’t get treated well in return, you WALK AWAY. This is a foolproof mechanism, albeit one that you haven’t exercised yet. Your power to LEAVE is the most important one you have. You can’t be treated poorly by a man whom you’ve DUMPED, so stop blaming him for not committing to you, and go find the man who will – a man, by the way, whom you will treat like a king…
Wow, I really loved this post! One of my former complaints in my current relationship was that my boyfriend didn’t make me feel special. He treated me well and was always very respectful, but some part of me held on to that fantasy of wanting to be treated like a princess. With time what changed was more my outlook, and I realized that it was a two-way street. Now I definitely go out of my way more to make HIM feel special. And to think I almost let a good guy get away!
I bet he feel the same … you forgot to mention it. If so, it is evidence of the main point of the original article. Hope that you are being treated like the Queen you sound like.
I believe in Evan’s philosophy. And, not every man will live up to it.
My current boyfriend and I have been together for over a year… We are probably going to break up soon. The fact that I treat him incredibly well and he does not feel he can do the same for me is playing a huge part in our split. Not that he is a jerk or mistreats me, but he does not respond to me with the same thoughtfulness and generosity that I given to him. He says it makes him feel like crap… so rather than try harder, he is letting me go so I can find someone who will give me more love.
I am so incredibly sad. I am telling myself that I have nothing to regret, because I know I really gave my all to this relationship and was my best self. It makes me so sad that he can’t respond to me the same way, but at least he is having the integrity to recognize this about himself and end things gracefully.
One of my best friends is an ex, who worked hard after our breakup to keep me as a friend because I treated (and continue to treat) him so well.
At the end of the day, I have to live with my decisions. I do not want to be the kind of woman who is unkind or manipulative to a man. I want to be the ex-girlfriend who men look back at and say ‘Why did I ever let her go?’ not ‘Thank god she’s gone!’
I’m a little confused. I’ve always treated my men like kings and haven’t ever been treated like a queen?
Because every Therapist I’ve even seen in my life has said that is being co-dependent?
Get a new therapist and man.
Not that he is a jerk or mistreats me, but he does not respond to me with the same thoughtfulness and generosity that I given to him. He says it makes him feel like crap…
I have to respond to this because it sounds like a really good relationship and it’s VERY sad if it has to end.
He’s telling you straight out what the problem is, and you’re acknowleding it in your post as well:
1. YOU are doing things out of the ‘goodness of your heart’ so you get something back, not for just the sake of doing the good deed. (You’ll probably deny this and say this is just the woman you are, but you just said you’re not getting back what you EXPECT.)
2. He’s feeling that (crap), which is why it probably makes him not want to reciprocate (because he feels like he could never keep up the frequency and level of the things you are doing for him, and that ultimately, you would be unhappy with his level of effort.)
3. Men don’t want mothers, they want partners. Again, you’ll probably say this is just the way you are, nuturing and all, but he’s probably (and I don’t know for sure) feeling like you are acting like his mother. How excited do you think a man is about being with a woman who acts like his mother?
STOP doing these things for him. Give him SPACE to come to you, it’s too much on your part, you’re smothering and pressuring him. That doesn’t mean you need to be a bitch or anything, but be feminine and RECEIVING (instead of giving which is masculine and a turnoff too). STOP doing.
Really, consider doing something different as I suggest above, what do you have to lose?
Good luck!
Michelle(25),
Wow! Just wow! You have no idea the clarity you provided for me. I totally resonated with your comments about why I do what I do. It’s because I want something in return. That’s got to be present in my energy and I bet I don’t even know it. I have much to learn and much to work on.
Thank you.
I do treat my boyfriend like a king, but he just keeps taking & taking & I feel exhausted & used.
I feel exactly the same way. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t want to leave because I love him but talking about it doesn’t help =(
I agree with this article and thank you. I must add that when a women treats her man like a king, she should be treated like a QUEEN; not a princesses. They should be treated equally.
Bingo.
When you give and don’t receive as often as you’d like, it does seem exhausting, but it’s the principal. Treat other’s how you want to be treated. Most people tend be to be defensive of critisicm, when actually it needs only to be seen as how other’s see us so that we can possibly improve whatever it is, taking it as constructive criticism instead of as an insult.
It’s a good article in the sense that it says like actions have like reactions. Just like the moral of a fairytale story. In real life, this is just not so. If it were, life would be such a heaven. I treat my boyfriend like a king… I make plans and get gifts for his birthdays months back, but all I get is “no present” and always an “I want to break up with you” whenever an argument happens. It’s like I don’t have a position with him yet and he discard me off anytime. Now I have just decided to stop doing all those good deeds and just walk off when it hurts to the core
This is no where near true! I dated a man for almost a year, went out of my comfort zone.. Did things I would never do for no man! He was treated like a king! Bad days, surprise Starbucks or a drink at work, valentines day ~ I made a blanket with hand stitched lettering & 14 days of treats. I never asked for anything, except quality time. The time didn’t just cuddling watching a movie, a walk in the park, basketball.. I started working out .. He sat on his butt, he felt he had full control over me.. and now I’m broken hearted and he’s w/ another girl!!