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Have you ever had someone offer to give you a foot massage after you worked out?
Have you ever had someone make you breakfast while you were still sound asleep?
Have you ever gotten a card that made you cry? Or a gift that made you gasp?
What a wonderful feeling, to be loved, appreciated, and honored. This kind of generosity doesn’t happen often, and when it does, it can be fleeting.
But it doesn’t have to be.
So what does it take to have a partner treat you like royalty?
Treat your partner like royalty every single day.
…Treat a guy well and he’s not going to go anywhere.
Simple.
Treat your partner like royalty every single day.
Impossible, you say. You can’t make a partner be as thoughtful and generous as you.
Ah, but you can.
Treat a guy well and he’s not going to go anywhere.
In Why He Disappeared, I outline some of the most common ways that women unintentionally sabotage their own relationships.
Once you learn how some of your thought patterns and behaviors can accidentally alienate men, you can make slight adjustments which will create long-term connections.
If you’re like me, you get along with most people. You don’t necessarily want everyone to be your best friend, but there aren’t many folks that truly rub you the wrong way.
When you look at the few people who do, you’ll probably notice a pattern.
The people that you can’t be yourself around are either:
Self-indulgent, narcissistic, arrogant, and outwardly rude.
Or…
People who make you feel wrong.
Now, none of us like to think that we’re arrogant and rude.
But when it comes to relationships, we often find tiny ways to make our partners feel “wrong.”
Imagine you had a boyfriend who said things like:
“Why don’t you grow your hair longer?”
“Why do you always complain about your job?”
“How come you can never do anything spontaneously?”
“Maybe you should start working out more.”
“Why are you always talking to other men at parties?”
“How come you’re always hanging out with your annoying girlfriends?”
Yeah, guys can be really critical and blunt sometimes. I’m not going to defend their behavior for a half a second.
However, I’d like to point out that you probably do the same exact thing:
See, it’s easy to remember all the minor criticisms you’ve received.
It’s a lot harder to recall all of the digs you’ve taken at the men you’ve dated.
“Why can’t you put away your clothes in the hamper?”
“Would it kill you to make plans with me more than a day in advance?”
“Why didn’t you make a bigger deal about my birthday?”
“How come you’re always running 15 minutes late?”
“Why is watching football with your friends more important than seeing me?”
“Why do you always wear that ratty old shirt?”
See, it’s easy to remember all the minor criticisms you’ve received. It’s a lot harder to recall all of the digs you’ve taken at the men you’ve dated.
But you’ve done it. We all have.
Alas, nobody likes criticism – even if it’s valid.
Your observations may be correct, but your messaging needs a lot of work.
So if a guy told you to lose weight or stop seeing your friends, you’d probably get really angry with him. You’d have every right to, and I can see why you feel justified in your anger.
Because you want to be loved unconditionally. Because you want to be accepted for who you are. Because you don’t want to have to change for anyone.
Yet, somehow you still think it’s fair that your boyfriend should change for you.
It just doesn’t work that way.
True love is about accepting his flaws – not because he’s perfect – but because you want him to accept YOUR flaws as well.
By telling you to accept your man for who he is, I don’t mean that you should start putting up with unacceptable behavior. The man who cheats or lies or can’t communicate or commit is a man that should be LEFT, not changed.
But if you’ve got a decent guy who is flawed (as all of us are), it means offering him more positive reinforcement and less negative reinforcement.
What happens when a man says something nice to you – compliments you on your eyes, or your wit, or your triumph at work? It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
It works the same way for us.
Positive reinforcement makes a man feel great about himself AND about you.
On the other hand…
Negative reinforcement makes him feel bad about himself and about you.
Why? Because nobody wants to be told that he’s “wrong.”
I can only imagine how you feel about me because I’m telling you this!
Understand, being critical is a universal trait – not just a female one.
The great news is: by being a more supportive and accepting girlfriend, you actually bring a better side out in your man. That’s right.
Most men are used to women telling us what’s wrong with us. When we find someone who accentuates the positive and ignores the negative, we feel like a million bucks.
Want to be treated like a princess? Start treating your men like kings.
My wife is gifted at this.
She has set the bar so high, that I have no choice but to jump it.
It’s hard not to give when you receive as much as I do.
In that way, HER generosity has made ME a better husband.
YOUR generosity will do the same.
You can literally TRANSFORM men just by treating them with more kindness and respect.
This concept works on dates, in business, with family.
Want to be treated like a princess? Start treating your men like kings.
I heartily agree.
I agree as well….I truly enjoy bringing out the best in my man. Makes me happy to see him perk up when I sincerely say awesome things about him. I try and do this with everyone and the kind words I get in return makes me feel good!
I would also add to this article that, as a woman, you are you able to not be silent on criticism or find so much to criticize, he is NOT the right man.
That support and non criticism is also crucial in supporting the man’s MISSION. For most men, their mission is their career, but not always. It could be a hobby or a cause that he is passionate about. I went out on a date with a man who was telling me he is away skiing pretty much the whole winter. Right then I thought to myself, “I cannot support this man’s ‘mission’.” I would be resentful that he would gone all the time, which would probably cause me to be bitchy about it and towards him. Neither would I ask him to ever give up his passion or make a demand he do that.
All of this support and kindness towards him and his mission have to be genuine and cannot be faked. It’s very gratifying and provides the best feeling to be genuinely and unconditionally.
(To re-iterate what Evan said, this does not include accepting a man who is a workaholic or any of the other examples he cited. And it does not mean we’re a saint by walking over the clothes that are dropped on the floor next to the clothes hamper each day, every date 🙂
Sorry, that first paragraph is horribly written, here’s a reword:
I would also add to this article that, as a woman, if you are not able to stop yourself from criticizing and/or find so much to criticize, he is NOT the right man.
Okay, lets start the betting pool for how many comments will get posted before someone exaggerates what Evan wrote into the message that women should be submissive obsequious placaters 🙂
#5 Steve
I say two more ‘reasonable’ comments, then the exaggeration/outrage post 🙂
A number of years ago a friend of mine bitterly separated from his wife and got his own place. I had been friends with both of them for years and I was amazed at the intensity of the separation. After more than a year they began talking through a marriage counselor. I was completely dumbfounded that that cause of my friend’s *ANGER* and leaving his wife was simply that she criticized him all of the time. One day, he just had enough.
IMHO, when asked, “Why didn’t you, or how come you did” types of questions using a critical tone, most individuals feel immediately defensive and irked, but if they have a healthy, strong core, they don’t feel wrong. They will think the other person sounds critical and that their criticism is more of a reflection on them than the person they’re speaking to.
If a man tells a woman, ‘Why don’t you grow your hair longer?’ her response should be because “I like my hair short;” and not allow his comment to somehow make her feel that she’s wrong for not having long hair. And if a man told me to lose weight, etc., I wouldn’t feel irked because of wanting him to love me unconditionally or accept me as I am. I would feel irked because he was behaving like a pompous, insensitive jerk.
Part of what sometimes leads to criticism, unless you happen to be a naturally critical person (and there are many), doesn’t lie in not treating each other like royalty, but in taking each other and your life together for granted. At some point in a long-term relationship, most people move into this comfort zone without even realizing it. Which I suppose you could say is a version of not treating each other like royalty. 😉
There are ways of letting someone know how you feel without sounding critical in tone or words. It’s also about choosing the right time for the delivery. If you marry someone and they really cannot stand one of your habits, do you truly want them to remain silent all those years for fear of sounding critical or for the sake of seeming to blissfully accept you exactly as you are? (This is not meant to imply that this is what I think Evan is saying.) That’s not trusting yourself, them or your relationship enough to be authentic; not cruel, but real. When done right, this kind of communication can actually bring you closer, assuming you are both emotionally healthy to begin with because it opens the door to truly accepting each other as you are.
Anyway, I digress a bit. I think Evan’s article brings up how important it is to treat each other well, so that you will have many happy years together.
Defensiveness is a sign of a very insecure person and it is deadly to a relationship. I was with a terribly insecure person who jumped into defensive mode at the drop of a hat, eventually causing the end of the relationship.
Spot on!
Agreed!!
Okay, we have Denise down for 2 more comments. I’ll take 4. Any other takers? The grand prize is Evan and his wife hosting you for a fancy dinner in a swanky LA restaurant 🙂
Diana, sometimes I tell women that I like, not to lose any more wait, for the simple reason that, other men won’t look at them if they have a weight problem. hhhmmmhh…. : )
ha!, he, he, that was funny, I misspelled weight….
Is airfare included?
@ Steve
I think that people may surprise you. I personally didn’t see Evan’s post as “If you want to keep a man, make sure you put on your biggest smile, pander to him, and make him feel like a god no matter what he does” but more of “If you partner is mostly a good guy, but has a few minor flaws, what is to be gained by disregarding all his qualities and focusing on his flaws?”
It is the difference between a person constantly missing dates with you (without calling) and a person being 15 minutes late to every date. Are those 15 minutes really worth even mentioning? Wouldn’t it be better to let those 15 minutes slide and instead recognize the fact that he cleaned his truck inside and out just for your date? It is not as if he ditched you or anything, so why treat it as such.
I personally hate it when I work my bum off to be a loving and supportive girlfriend to a man, only to have him focus on small flaws. It makes you feel as though the person does not appreciate all the good that you do. (whether they do or not, that is how their complaining can be perceived by a person who hears far more criticism then recognition).
The reason I do not date or end dating is because men are so critical. I can only speak as a woman. In courting, they are over the top with compliments. After you are sleeping with them, they get ridiculous–career, hair, personality, money…Sometimes it’s said overtly, or implied, basically you must be a perfect goddess with the traits I prefer. My pov is to treat them as special every day I see them, I enjoy giving, but these attitudes end up w/ me 1 day saying get out, and then they act surprised. They like me, but take what is good as granted, chip away at flaws. And they themselves are not a god. As soon as I sense ego and arrogance, or rudeness towards anyone, I get queasy.
Nowadays men are so ignorant they will insult you to be noticed, etc. I find a man who actually has anything to offer, sans arrogance, extinct or fronting till they get involved and revert to disrespecting and taking for granted..
I suppose a few men exist not like this, but it’s rare. In this world, anyone above average feels the need to throw their weight around, oblivious to the fact being solo is preferable to the insufferable.
My take on this is that assertiveness works better than criticism, when there is a legitimate need to raise an issue. If you say “I don’t like… or I prefer it when…” you are not giving an order like “Stop doing that thing!”. If you just make your preference known it’s up to the other person if they want to change their behaviour or not. You avoid coming across as controlling or bossy. Sit back, relax and see if your partner wants to please you…!
#14 mo
Sounds like you’re making bad choices in regard to the men you are dating AND/OR you are not seeing things realistically. Both of these things seem to be giving you the mistaken impression that all 150 million plus men out there are all the same. ???
Denise, maybe I do or don’t make “bad choices”. Maybe you do, for all I know, but really don’t care. If you found my comment flip, whatever. It’s obvious these choices did not work. I never said 150 million men are the same. I do believe men are arrogant in expecting a level of perfection they do not meet themselves and that if I adopted such an attitude, they would be offended. If I wanted to twist your comments around I could, but that doesn’t interest me in the least.
My boyfriend says all the time that he’s never dated anyone who went to such conscious lengths to treat him well on a daily basis. He says he often wonders why I would even date him, when in fact we are quite well matched! It is just that no one he ever dated went out of their way to make him feel like the good guy before, so it is still hard for him to believe that that’s how I really see him. It is!
@Shouraku, Steve’s joke/bet had to do with the fact that Evan’s advice is frequently reinterpreted by readers(usu. the female ones) to mean that women should be doormats who let their boyfriends husband cheat, walk all over them, have affairs with their ex-partners, etc. No matter how sane the advice (and the frequent reminders that you should NOT stick around and cater to someone who is a player or who is otherwise no good), there is frequently a LOT of outrage from the female readers.
So read the old posts and you’ll see why he made this joke. I’m a newer reader here and I’m shocked at how many things seem to outrage my fellow females, esp. the advice to let guys be guys, to trust people from the start, or the idea that someone enjoying certain things is not automatically a sign that he thinks you are ugly or that he is disrespecting you.
What also happens is that many people were married or dating people that they didn’t have to work that hard to catch and keep(which I think is often the case when you are young and hot), so that is taken by many to mean that the advice to make your man feel good about himself is misplaced.
It seems as if a lot of women will add about 10 layers of meaning to everything, as the sample questions in the post indicate. So no, someone wanting to watch a football game is just someone wanting to watch the football game, not, oh my gosh, you love football more than me, why don’t you love me, oh no, you are looking at those cheerleaders and hate that I don’t look like that. It goes on and on and on.
I think the “bet” kept all of the people who’d normally write in to angrily criticize the advice that women should be doormats who have to do all of the changing to keep a man.
@Andrea
Oh, I get the joke. The humor was not lost on me at all (have been reading the blog though not always posting for almost 6 months). I just think that all joking aside, Evan’s post was very clear about pointing out that accepting a person for who they are is not the same as accepting poor behavior.
This is why I believe that Steve’s prediction/joke didn’t come to fruition (yet at least), because Evan was abundantly clear in his writing.
I am bit confused…
Here Evan suggest us to treat our partners like kings if we want to be treated like princesses…Other dating coaches say that this is the relation killer…giving all our attention, leaning farward…while they simply enjoy, perhaps not walking away(for awhile), and most of the time not giving back.Is my case also, i keep giving, and giving, and treat him like a king, but all i recive from him is .. not walking away…But no future plans, no commitment no nothing..(and is not like he didnt promisse anything in beggining.. HE DID) I know I must walk away, and i will, is only that is not so easy because i moved in other country to be with him and i need first find a job back in my home country.. So, where is the truth in the end? perhaps somewhere in middle? Sorry for my poor english..
That one’s easy, Anamari. You treat a man well because quality men respond better to good treatment. However, if you don’t get treated well in return, you WALK AWAY. This is a foolproof mechanism, albeit one that you haven’t exercised yet. Your power to LEAVE is the most important one you have. You can’t be treated poorly by a man whom you’ve DUMPED, so stop blaming him for not committing to you, and go find the man who will – a man, by the way, whom you will treat like a king…
Wow, I really loved this post! One of my former complaints in my current relationship was that my boyfriend didn’t make me feel special. He treated me well and was always very respectful, but some part of me held on to that fantasy of wanting to be treated like a princess. With time what changed was more my outlook, and I realized that it was a two-way street. Now I definitely go out of my way more to make HIM feel special. And to think I almost let a good guy get away!
I bet he feel the same … you forgot to mention it. If so, it is evidence of the main point of the original article. Hope that you are being treated like the Queen you sound like.
I believe in Evan’s philosophy. And, not every man will live up to it.
My current boyfriend and I have been together for over a year… We are probably going to break up soon. The fact that I treat him incredibly well and he does not feel he can do the same for me is playing a huge part in our split. Not that he is a jerk or mistreats me, but he does not respond to me with the same thoughtfulness and generosity that I given to him. He says it makes him feel like crap… so rather than try harder, he is letting me go so I can find someone who will give me more love.
I am so incredibly sad. I am telling myself that I have nothing to regret, because I know I really gave my all to this relationship and was my best self. It makes me so sad that he can’t respond to me the same way, but at least he is having the integrity to recognize this about himself and end things gracefully.
One of my best friends is an ex, who worked hard after our breakup to keep me as a friend because I treated (and continue to treat) him so well.
At the end of the day, I have to live with my decisions. I do not want to be the kind of woman who is unkind or manipulative to a man. I want to be the ex-girlfriend who men look back at and say ‘Why did I ever let her go?’ not ‘Thank god she’s gone!’
I’m a little confused. I’ve always treated my men like kings and haven’t ever been treated like a queen?
Because every Therapist I’ve even seen in my life has said that is being co-dependent?
Get a new therapist and man.
Not that he is a jerk or mistreats me, but he does not respond to me with the same thoughtfulness and generosity that I given to him. He says it makes him feel like crap…
I have to respond to this because it sounds like a really good relationship and it’s VERY sad if it has to end.
He’s telling you straight out what the problem is, and you’re acknowleding it in your post as well:
1. YOU are doing things out of the ‘goodness of your heart’ so you get something back, not for just the sake of doing the good deed. (You’ll probably deny this and say this is just the woman you are, but you just said you’re not getting back what you EXPECT.)
2. He’s feeling that (crap), which is why it probably makes him not want to reciprocate (because he feels like he could never keep up the frequency and level of the things you are doing for him, and that ultimately, you would be unhappy with his level of effort.)
3. Men don’t want mothers, they want partners. Again, you’ll probably say this is just the way you are, nuturing and all, but he’s probably (and I don’t know for sure) feeling like you are acting like his mother. How excited do you think a man is about being with a woman who acts like his mother?
STOP doing these things for him. Give him SPACE to come to you, it’s too much on your part, you’re smothering and pressuring him. That doesn’t mean you need to be a bitch or anything, but be feminine and RECEIVING (instead of giving which is masculine and a turnoff too). STOP doing.
Really, consider doing something different as I suggest above, what do you have to lose?
Good luck!
Michelle(25),
Wow! Just wow! You have no idea the clarity you provided for me. I totally resonated with your comments about why I do what I do. It’s because I want something in return. That’s got to be present in my energy and I bet I don’t even know it. I have much to learn and much to work on.
Thank you.
I do treat my boyfriend like a king, but he just keeps taking & taking & I feel exhausted & used.
I feel exactly the same way. I don’t know how to change it. I don’t want to leave because I love him but talking about it doesn’t help =(
I agree with this article and thank you. I must add that when a women treats her man like a king, she should be treated like a QUEEN; not a princesses. They should be treated equally.
Bingo.
When you give and don’t receive as often as you’d like, it does seem exhausting, but it’s the principal. Treat other’s how you want to be treated. Most people tend be to be defensive of critisicm, when actually it needs only to be seen as how other’s see us so that we can possibly improve whatever it is, taking it as constructive criticism instead of as an insult.
It’s a good article in the sense that it says like actions have like reactions. Just like the moral of a fairytale story. In real life, this is just not so. If it were, life would be such a heaven. I treat my boyfriend like a king… I make plans and get gifts for his birthdays months back, but all I get is “no present” and always an “I want to break up with you” whenever an argument happens. It’s like I don’t have a position with him yet and he discard me off anytime. Now I have just decided to stop doing all those good deeds and just walk off when it hurts to the core
This is no where near true! I dated a man for almost a year, went out of my comfort zone.. Did things I would never do for no man! He was treated like a king! Bad days, surprise Starbucks or a drink at work, valentines day ~ I made a blanket with hand stitched lettering & 14 days of treats. I never asked for anything, except quality time. The time didn’t just cuddling watching a movie, a walk in the park, basketball.. I started working out .. He sat on his butt, he felt he had full control over me.. and now I’m broken hearted and he’s w/ another girl!!
I think you can do nice things and be generous and kind, but maybe it’s looking at what you receive in return. My mother, for example, is a very generous woman, but my Dad is very selfish. I remember watching them both get out of the car with bags of stuff and my Dad wouldn’t even help. He was oblivious! I’d even watch her trip and stumble and my Dad would roll his eyes and not ask if she was OK. Selfish man. Now, this guy I’ve started seeing, I have done nice things for. He likes orange soda so I got him one when he didn’t expect it, little things like that…Well went to the grocery store with me. I didn’t expect anything, but he was so awesome! He offered to pack up the groceries, then he carried them for me to the house. Yeah he doesn’t buy me things, but how awesome I didn’t have to carry groceries! I think you can receive but not get it in the way you expect? Yin and yang, push and pull…
This is in response to the women who feel like they give to their men but don’t feel valued in the relationship: ” I’ve always treated my men like kings and haven’t ever been treated like a queen?” and “I do treat my boyfriend like a king, but he just keeps taking & taking & I feel exhausted & used.”
This is just my opinion and not “the truth” but you may want to consider that there are different ways to “give.” Giving is a masculine trait…it’s a Doing thing…men are providers and they are naturally givers. As women, it’s easy to take on the masculine role of giving and then find that our men may pull back and give less. That’s because we’ve taken their role of giving away and often “out-give” our man.
A different way to look at it is the concept of “giving back” to our men. When our men give us things in the form of gifts, time, affection, dates, etc. sometimes our tendency is to give back at a greater level than they gave to us. I know, I’ve done this before. It can make a man feel uncomfortable. Often a woman is using her giving as a subtle form of trying to control the behavior we want from a man.
If on the other hand, you’re conscious to give back things like a warm smile, words of appreciation and admiration for everything he does…from remembering to bring home milk to planning a weekend getaway…men are refueled to want to do it again. Quality men give to make us happy and not to get something back in the same form.
Giving back is a feminine trait…leaning back and receiving what the man wants to give without ANY amount of trying to control what, how or when he gives…and then simply appreciating the gift of his time, energy, and thoughtfulness.
Amy #30 has been giving in a masculine way. Giving him Starbucks, blanket, 14 days of treats, although very thoughtful, it can be a turnoff for a man who is more comfortable in his masculine energy. He is the giver. We are the receiver and give back in the form of thanks, appreciation, admiration, affection, etc. When we do give back actual gifts or things like cooking a meal, it’s never in a way that “out does” what he’s already given.
Let the man control the pace of the relationship and what, when and how he chooses to give to you. Receive graciously and give back the love, appreciation and admiration so that he knows without a doubt that you are happy and that his gestures make you feel wonderful. That’s all you need to do ladies! It’s so easy when we can let go of trying to control how the relationship goes and just allow it to unfold at HIS pace and natural giving style.
If you’re not getting the attention and time, affection, etc that you desire from your man, you can choose to leave. You will not change a man from one who is stingy with his time and affection to one who gives more by over giving to him. However, you can change a man who is a natural giver and very generous to a man who pulls back and gives less by over-giving to him. Seems weird, but I have definitely experienced both.
I love the quote by Dr. Patricia Allen, “Women do not have ‘nagging rights’, only ‘leaving’ rights.
Jodi @ 32 – I agree with what you are saying. In fact when in my online incarnation as “Sparkling Emerald” some men came over from the manosphere to speak out AGAINST courtship, and to take EMK to task for DARING to take a break from advising women and to advising men to “court” women. They were extremely angry at the suggestion that men should court women, and were very mysogynist. The basic premise seemed to be that except for our uterus and the passageway leading to it, women were worthless and did not deserve to be courted.
I posted a 10 point list of non-sexual ways women reciprocate, in response to the gen’l assertion by the manospherians that women never reciprocate. (basically, a woman doesn’t go dutch treat on date 1, they see that as proof positive that she’s nothing but a gold digging leach, will always be a taker and will never reciprocate)
My 10 point list was similar in sentiment to your post.
Well the manospherians copied and pasted my list and posted it on their website. A few actually had a few good things to say about my list of how women reciprocated, but most just tore it to shreds. Just used it as fodder for how “entitled” women were and undeserving of courtship.
Some of the arguments against my list of feminine giving were as follows . . .
MOST women DON’T do that, so the point is moot OR MOST women DO that, so a woman who does that isn’t special OR I can pay someone to do that so why the hell should I court a woman ? So, as far as feminine reciprocity, it’s damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
One guy went on his anti-courtship rant and instructed men to NOT DATE women but to arrange “meetings” where you dont’ take her anyplace special, don’t treat her special, just initiate sex, and if she isn’t at least giving oral sex by the second “meeting” dump her. Basically, in his world, courtship would be replaced by men sniffing around women like a junk yard dog, trying to hump her upon first sighting, and if she was hot enough, give her a second chance “meeting” and if she doesn’t put out, or at least give oral sex than it means she doesn’t “like you” and you should dump her. His angry little sexually entitled rant did not indicate if a man should “like” a woman or not, just that she should “like” him enough to let him start putting out while getting NOTHING from him but sex. So apparently, he only wanted women who “like” him, but hate themselves.
Sometimes one of the guys from that website, who claims to be happily married, as many of them do, comes over here to try and convince us women that we should initiate a kiss with a man as a way of couching a “feminine” message in a “masculine” way. Not sure why “happily married” men are coming over to this blog to tell us women to basically “man up”. Very puzzling.
So there are a lot of confusing messages out there. Men claiming they want women to “man up” and split the check 50/50 from day one, initiate sex on a 1st or 2nd date etc. Or forget about “splitting the check” because women aren’t worth the effort to be taken out in public for a nice date, even if it is a free concert in the park, she should just settle for a “meeting” which is just code for a sexual encounter or an attempted sexual encounter. (AKA hooking up or a booty call)
I really think there are some angry men who aren’t doing well with women, and are trying to mess up the mate selection process for everyone else, with their pseudo online “happily married” characters giving REALLY bad advice to men and women, just trying to screw things up for everyone else. I really do believe MOST of the men are just venting, and when they find a woman who sets off their love alarm, they will put forth the effort to win her heart (and if they fail they will back to the manosphere hating women even more) I’m a little bit concerned about these manospherians because unlike the pre-internet days, their frustration with women rantings don’t just stay in the locker room, it reaches a world wide audience. Impressionable young men get the impressions that women really are worthless bitches only good for one thing, and should be treated as such, and impressionable women might get a hold of some bad advice and think they can actually turn a booty call into a real relationship. The other thing that is so depressing about such “man holes” is that they really are an incubator for angry, frustrated men like Elliot Rodgers, to go from being a bitter man, ranting on the web, to a serial or mass murderer. And of course MOST men won’t take their bitterness to such a murderous extreme, very few will, but that is little comfort to the victims and their families.
I think the best thing for women who are treating their men like Kings, and being treated like a subject instead of a Queen, is to assess their giving style to see if perhaps they are over giving or competively giving. If they are giving in a feminine way, and not being treated like a beloved girlfriend than walk away. Some men are just not going to ever appreciate a woman and her feminine ways. It might be because he is just not into that PARTICULAR woman, or it could be that they are narcissistic takers and won’t reciprocate with ANYONE in any relationship. Bottom line is, if you want be treated well, then treat the other person well. If they don’t respond in kind, DUMP THEM. I love that quote you ended with “Women don’t have ‘nagging rights’, only ‘leaving’ rights” Women should exercise the latter and not the former.
I can agree with a lot of what Jodi is saying, and yet I can also say that the idea of never spending a significant portion of our money on a man is not right. You show me a man who has been with his woman for a few or more years, and wants a Harley, who isn’t going to be wildly appreciative if she buys him a Harley. But, Jodi did touch on the real problem with giving for some women. We compare and contrast things. We are bean counters. We ruin our thoughtful gift in some way buy bringing it up later as ammunition in an argument, or when pushing to have something our way. This is what turns men off. This is why some men may not be comfortable getting a gift of value from a woman. They likely see it as coming with strings attached. Like, what’s this going to cost me? But, if you make as much or nearly as much as he does, and never buy him anything of value, then he’s going to see that, and it’s likely going to come off as simply being selfish. The truth is, we are to an extent. We aren’t nearly as generous with money and gifts as men are, which is why we mess it up when we do give gifts of value. So, I think the idea is to learn to give a gift because we simply love and care about the person, and then realize that once the gift is given, you can never eve bring it up in a fight, or argument, or negotiation, because then it does come across in a negative way. You might as well not give the gift if you can’t resist doing those negative things. Give because you love the person, not because you want to use it as leverage to manipulate them. You can’t tell men to adapt too the new changes if you aren’t going to adapt too. We are not just the receivers. We demanded the right to equality. We demanded the right to equal pay. What good is it if we then demand to be treated like 19th century women who did not have money of their own? You can’t tell men to man up and get with the times when we aren’t doing it ourselves.
Jodi, I am curious, what are your thoughts on the man that expresses interest but leaves it up to the woman to do the calling and the traveling to see them? I think that puts her in the position of pursuing, and he can really just take it or leave it. Or is that an unreasonable assumption?
I have to disagree. I treat my boyfriend really well, compliment him, give him massages, surprise him and he does not reciprocate at all. Unfortunately it has been like this for years =(
Well said. Your “criticism” was needed and received! Thank you for this!
Well, in theory this sounds great. In reality, if u have a guy who is “not perfect”, maybe pretty spoiled and feels entitled cuz He’s had a chronic ailment since he was young and Mommy told him he deserves the best!
Sooo.. Jump forward in time, nothing is really perfect, nothing is “the best” that’s a tough nail to hit. Find the perfect wife, put her on a pedestal cuz she treats u lIke a king? Nah! Not when u r reassured that u deserve that treatment, u take it for granted. U even lose respect for the person who is treating you so well, cuz deep down u know u did nothing to deserve it. Deep down u realize they are fools; to be abused emotionally and manipulated for what more can be had.
Also, think about the statement that familiarity breeds contempt. If someone us doting on you and you just happen to be a selfish person, you will take and take and not give back. U will lose respect for the person who is giving too much and your response will not always be to give back! U just may take more and get all full of yourself. It happens….
agree 100% I’m tired of people treating others like shit when they try to do everything to please them…
Agreeed!
i am indeed one of the fortunate ones….. After 5 years of “courtship” together with many highs and lows…. My man and I were married a fortnight ago. It was a beautiful and intimate ceremony which represented the specialness ( is there such a word) of our relationship. I even call him my king and he, my queen. We adore doing little things for each other, and do it willingly without any hidden agenda, because we want to. We are walking testimony of what Evan is suggesting…and it works.
Men take women for granted when we treat them like kings. It never fails. You treat the guy with love and kindness, and he comes out guns blazing with the criticism of my flaws and no reciprocation. The only time a man ever realized my value was when I left.
Thank you for the world’s worst advice, LC. “Don’t treat your man well.” Everybody take note and do the opposite.
I treat my man like a king. I do everything for him and anything he wants. But he’s goes ape shit if I ask emotional or ask for more love and support. Sometimes I feel like he treats his friends and dogs better than he treats me. He admits that it’s double standards when he is allowed to react a certain way and I am not.
Dump him. Problem solved.
My husband doesn’t respond like a normal person would. We’ve been together for over 2 decades and I fell in love with a guy who paid a lot of attention to me and responded to me when we were younger. He purposely doesn’t respond to me, or laugh at my jokes. Acts like I , or anything I like, is beneath him. The more I like something, the more he hates it. It’s a problem he has because he comes from such a critical, negative family. He shows some love, but rarely tries to connect. I think I have been keep our marriage going for years by being the person who has been doing it all! Planning dates, vacations, gifts, etc. He is baffled as to why I am no longer investing in him beyond cleaning and cooking. I just have nothing left. There is no real attempt to reach my heart that would soften the daily put downs and constant complaining and negativity. The only time I like him is when we are at church and he is being attentive and acts like the upstanding man I married so long ago. His parents are in their 80’s and bickering each other to death. Meanwhile, I just want someone who accepts me and stops treating me like an annoyance. Especially since I work myself to the bone to take care of the family and keep the house running.
Read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel.
You might be better able to understand yourself, your husband, and your relationship after reading them.
I treated a boy like a king and he left and went back to his ex so I don’t agree with this
Hi Megan,
I think you made the mistake that most women make, which is believing that GIVING a man everything he wants will make him happy. It doesn’t, as you’ve come to find out. Treating men like kings on make them take you for granted.
My experience is that ALLOWING men to do what they want (barring inherently harmful behavior to you, e.g., abuse, or to the relationship, e.g., cheating) is what keeps the man around. They feel lucky to be in a relationship where their every thought and action aren’t policed.
Respect his decisions even if you don’t agree with them. Voice your disagreements respectfully, etc. THAT is what men want. To be allowed the freedom to make his own decisions even when in a relationship. To be allowed to think differently than you and still be accepted by you.
It’s kind of a paradox, really. Once you let go of seeking to control a man, often, he often stops fighting for his freedom from you. By giving up what you want, you get what you want.
God has a sense of humor 🙂
The unfortunate thing about not caring what your partner does ie let him do what he wants, not ask him questions, enjoy him when he is available, always do your own thing when he does his, is that HE doesn’t WANT his partner to do what SHE wants. He wants HER to sit at home waiting patiently for him while he is off in the world and yes, he will always come back. But God forbid you go and get your own life, don’t wait around for him and live your own life and then you are subject to all kinds of manipulation to try and get you to stay ‘grounded’ while he is off flying. He will hint he wants to see you to get you to hang around and if you do – pull the rug out etc. Men do NOT want women doing their own thing and not caring what they are doing. Men want women sitting at home waiting for them to return. No thanks.
I have never asked either my ex husband or recent partner, where they were or what they were doing. Didn’t care how long they took. If they did what they did, I went and did my own thing. If they wanted to spend time with me, I tried to make myself available – but I sure am not going to sit around waiting, which is what men actually want us to do. They go out with the boys – they sure as heck do not want you going on a girls night out. I wonder why? With my advanced years I’ve figured out why they don’t want us to behave like they do in a relationship. It doesn’t work.
This is a generalisation based clearly on your own personal situation. But it’s not actually logical. Letting a guy do what he wants doesn’t mean he won’t let you do what you want. It’s a specific kind of guy who won’t let you do what you want: an asshole.
But there are plenty of men who are confident in themselves, who trust their partners and aren’t controlling. My boyfriend is definitely one of them and so were basically all of my exes (I’m one of those weirdos who is friends with all her exes still and really never chose a bad dude, all great upstanding guys). So is my dad for that matter, in fact he’s the one who prefers to stay home vs my mom.
So yeah, I understand where your resentment comes from and any woman who is not getting equal treatment in her relationship, is dating someone who doesn’t trust her and who controls her, needs to get out of that relationship ASAP. But that doesn’t mean all men are controlling and untrusting.
This could not be more true. I started dating my boyfriend 1.5 years ago, when he had only been divorced for a couple of months. Our courtship was over the top amazing and fast because I treated him like a king. He told me he loved me within the first three weeks. And then he panicked and pulled away. The truth is, I grew extremely anxious and needy about our relationship (even though I didn’t show it, he could feel it) because it felt like the most amazing thing I had ever experienced and I was petrified to lose it. He was the man of my dreams! From his perspective, I seemed like everything his ex-wife was not — caring, sweet, giving, etc, and it scared the crap out of him — he didn’t think he deserved that. We had a few months of difficulties during which I continued to treat him with the respect and love I knew he deserved without expecting anything in return, but I was pretty sure our relationship would not last. We broke up a few times but kept being drawn back to each other. Then about a year ago, during one of our “off” times I discovered that he was online dating and I sat him down and asked him a very straightforward question: Do you feel good when you’re with me? Do you feel that someone else could make you feel better than I do? If you do, then let’s just walk away from each other for good. And he said no, that no one else could make him feel better but that he felt he needed to explore his options after his divorce. I asked if he felt he had done enough exploring and he said yes. And since that day, our relationship transformed dramatically and beautifully, even though I continued to treat him the same way I always had: with supreme adoration and respect. But by asserting myself in a way that did not belittle him when I did not like something that he did, I helped him to think about his life in a new way. A man will NOT do this with nagging or complaining — he will do the opposite to spite you! He went from pulling away constantly and guarding me from his children to bringing me into their lives completely, from not making plans with me on a regular basis to having 4 set nights a week that we always spend together (and he asks me if he wants to make other plans those nights), plus eating dinner or hanging out on the other nights/afternoons when he has his kids. He brings me flowers, buys me dinner, tells me I’m beautiful, offers to help me with things, never says no to me when I ask for help with anything. When something comes up that frustrates or angers me, I take many deep breaths before bringing it up and I always try to phrase it in the most loving way without judging or condemning him. I never nag him for anything and always kiss him when he walks through the door, no matter how rough my own day was. I stroke his arms and head while we’re sitting watching TV and he just melts into my arms. We never fight! I’ve also made it clear through my words and actions that he’s not responsible for my happiness — only I am. And when I feel down, I don’t look to him to build me back up. I look within myself to find what I need, but he’s always there cheering me on, rooting for my deep happiness. Sex is amazing, like toe-curling amazing. I am always 100 percent willing to be with him sexually because I love him so deeply and crave that beautiful connection with him. Because I am always willing to satisfy him, he makes absolutely sure that I am satisfied sexually as well. He says he would never look anywhere else for what he needs because he has everything he wants with me.
This is a man who went from not knowing if he could be in a relationship with ANYONE to telling me he loves me multiple times per day. When he is a sarcastic SOB and I just laugh and take it as the joke it is instead of getting offended by it, he tells me how amazing it is to be with someone who lets him be his true self without trying to change him. He thanks me for all that I do to help with his kids, when I make him meals, and all that I do to make sure he feels like a king. He has transformed into the most grateful, happy, sweet man, because I gave him the respect and love he needed to flourish.
DISCLAIMER: I am a strong, independent, single mom who has been on her own for many years before meeting this man, so trust me when I say that I’m NOT a pushover. I simply realized that my life can be everything I want it to be with the man of my dreams — all I had to do was stop fighting my urge to be loving and giving (like society tells women they need to do to avoid getting hurt and walked over), and just give in to the feminine energy that radiates from my core. Now if he had not become this grateful, beautiful, loving man, I would have simply walked away. I would not have allowed myself to be used or pushed around. But I would have walked away knowing that I gave my love freely, without chains.
My wish for the ladies who get so incensed about the whole idea of giving love without expectations is that you can open your hearts and see that men are fragile and need love, too. There is no weakness in being his calm beautiful paradise from the rest of the world…in fact, there’s a tremendous amount of strength and beauty in giving that to someone you love so much. HUGS.
Excatly Amy alot women got this dumb thing in their heads “I must treat him like a king at a times” Err WRONG! doing that only makes him feel like he’s “your boss”
When I don’t date men u only wanna be treated with respect but not a queen cuz that is something I am not. I’m no royalty , I’m not related to royalty so why should we expect to be treated as such???
No Jessica – Treating a man like a King doesn’t make you his “subject” it makes you his queen. If he regards the relationship as a King/Subject relationship and not King/Queen then walk away.
Are you familiar with the concept of metaphors ? Colloquilisms ? The “Royal Treatment” “King” and “Queen” are not to be taken hyper-literally. It does not mean you literally have to bow before your King or Queen or call each “Your Highness”.
In non-hyper-literal terms treating EACH OTHER like royalty, means making them feel loved, respected, appreciated and that they are IMPORTANT to you and being LOYAL to them. Why wouldn’t anyone want to be treated like that by their beloved ?
Is is really a woman’s fault for being taken advantage of because she didn’t leave?
NO! Real men don’t take advantage of or mistreat women.
Get Smart,
In dating and relationships (as with most things in life), determining “fault” isn’t productive. Presumably, you’d like to solve the problem, not just find someone to blame.
An example:
Some years ago I ended up unemployed during a recession. It is extremely difficult to job-hunt during a recession, and it’s brutally hard to date while unemployed. While I think we can agree that the economic recession was not my fault, it was still my responsibility to find a job (and improve my economic and romantic fortunes).
Defining the problem … and solving it:
There are men (and women) who mistreat and take advantage of their partners. Why do they do that? Because they gain an advantage by doing so. (It says so, right in the words “take advantage”.) If you decide to wait for those men/women to voluntarily give up that advantage, in order to benefit you instead … well … that seems a bit naive. They already demonstrated how little they cared for your well-being when they mistreated you and took advantage of you.
Since these men (or women) are not inclined to look out for your well-being, its your responsibility to do so. The easiest way to do that is to leave and find someone better.
My boyfriend treats me like absolute royalty…I mean, it could not possibly get better than this.
But if he did not, I would have dumped him. I never understand when someone is in a relationship and keeps giving constantly, gets nothing in return, and constantly complains about the consequences of doing so. And I disagree with a previous poster, it IS your fault when you stay and put up with this kind of treatment. You teach people how to treat you. Some are so scared of being single that they put up with anything.
Stacy
It’s wonderful that you know your worth and will put up with no less. Kudos. Congratulations on the fantastic relationship and for choosing so well.
But it’s not that simple for everyone. You wrote elsewhere that your parents divorced and you were much better for it. You learned from a young age that breaking up is okay and, in some cases, the best outcome for all. Not everyone grew up like that or were given such messages.
The point being there’s myriad reasons people stay in less than perfect relationships beyond fear of being lonely, including (but not limited to): family, religious beliefs and pressure, financial instability and reliance, lack of knowledge or education, fear of repercussions for them and their children, etc.
Everyone should be lucky enough to believe as you do that the only relationship worth being in is one where you’re treated like royalty. I would just caution against judging others before you understand their situation.
This is such awesome advice from Evan! I absolutely love treating a man like a king. I am now divorced, even though I treated him well. He feels that I did not treat him well, because sometimes I had to work late and could not get dinner on the table at times.
In the list that Evan says “imagine you had a boyfriend who said things like…..”
I had a husband who said almost all of those things to me. Even though I treated him like a king.
1. Notice how every example of what men say to women has nothing to do with them and is literally an attempt to hurt the woman’s feelings. For example: your hair is too short; your friends are shit. Those things don’t directly affect the man whatsoever.
On the other hand almost every example of what women say to men is the woman calling the man out on their bullshit, and the ways they hurt them, notice how they criticize on things that affect them directly. For example: the man always runnig late on her; the man not caring about her birthday, an important day for her.
2. Maybe your wife was a one in a million lucky lady (though I doubt it based on this thing you wrote), but for most of us women “stopping criticizing” the shitty ways men treat us, and trying to start noticing only the good, only hurts us in number of ways. First of all we start convincing ourselves that “it’s not that bad” and start tolerating even shittier behavior towards us. Secondly, it gives the men a slack, a permission to keep engaging in whatever crappy behavior they were engaging towards us. Rarely does it motivate them to take a hint, and start treating us better and quit the bullshit. Rarely will they think “Gosh she treats me so well lately, I better start treating her the same and even better”. And instead most times it’ll be “Damn she treats me so well lately and ignores all my shit, what’s got into her. Whatever I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts. Most men won’t even SEE the bar she set, let alone trynna jump over it. I’ve experienced it, my friends did. For example my best friend likes getting gifts from time to time, like we all do, instead of nagging her boyfriend, she bought him a gift hoping he would take the hint. Eventually she bought him more gifts them he gave her, and even that happened only after she told him straight forward that she wanted gifts.
3. My third and the most important point relates to the closing line: “Want to be treated like a princess? Start treating you man like a king.”
Well that the thing my dear friend, most of us already do treat our men like a king, because that’s what love is. And that is what we expect in return, but don’t get, so ignoring the bad, and I don’t mean the obvious like cheating, and abuse, I mean the smaller things too like constantly running late, and disappointing us, won’t help.
In conclusion, you’ve wasted my time. If a man gonna treat you right, he’s gonna do it from the start, because that’s how his mama raised him. And even if there’s a way to make a man treat you better, it’s sure as hell aint shutting up about whatever bothers you in the relationship and putting up with the bullshit and only petting him on the back when he finaly does something good. Men aren’t 3 year old kids so quit trynna get women treat you like one, they’ve got a developed brain and a lot of time to learn to treat women right.
See Comment #5.
Okay pal you wrote a whole thing on the internet, on a site you specifically made for that, so you might’ve wanted to look into the possibility of someone actually reading it, so take responsibility. Maybe read the thing again and you’ll see why you getting so many “exaggerated” comments
Okay, pal. I did reread it. Sorry Still have no idea why you’re so upset but know you can’t please all the people all the time. Thanks again for your feedback. Glad to have you as a reader.
It s time to stop wishing your life was a fairy tale, because princesses don t have it as good as we think they do. In fact, being treated like royalty is the last thing you want, especially when you re in a relationship. Your boyfriend should be treating you like an equal, not like a helpless girl who needs a strong man around to protect her. That s why it s time to end the idea that “good boyfriends” should treat their ladies like princesses. You don t need a man to “rescue” you from your parents, your inner demons, or your life in general. You re an independent woman who can save herself. There s no reason to waste your time waiting for Prince Charming to find you when you re perfectly capable of doing all of the things that he can do.