How Do I Get Over My “Limiting Belief” That I’m Too Fat to Find Love?

My Boyfriend Only Wants to See Me Once a
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Been listening to your podcasts and I love them! I believe you touched on this topic once before but not really sure. I’ve been online dating for years. I’m not skinny – size 10/12 is what I am now and used to be thinner. I feel as though I have a “limiting belief” that I can’t get married unless I’m to the size I want to be. I have been called too fat to date by a lot of men I’ve met online and it’s soul crushing. And usually it happens after I don’t accept their invitation to just hang out or send naked pics. Do I stop online dating until I get to the size I want to be? Do you have any advice for women like me that aren’t “skinny” about online dating?

Thanks,

Michelle

Thanks for your vulnerability, Michelle. I completely understand where you’re coming from and feel deeply for your predicament. Truth is: there’s always something we can do better.

Men put off marrying until they’ve reached a certain point in their career.

People put off dating because they’re unhappy at work, suffering from an illness, feeling generally depressed, and any other number of common reasons.

And yet, virtually all of these people eventually get married, if they want.

And yet, virtually all of these people eventually get married, if they want.

Your observation that men can be shallow is real.

Your observation that you have more dating options at a size 4 than a size 12 is real.

Your belief that you are “too fat to date” is not real.

You may be too fat for certain men, just as certain men are “too poor” for certain women.

But that’s neither here nor there.

The average man’s income is $50,000. Some women won’t give him the time of day. But many other women will. That man with the average income who puts himself out there to date, eventually ends up being fully loved and accepted by his wife. If he closed up shop and gave up on love until he was a millionaire — because of his limiting belief that women only want rich men – he would not have his beautiful family.

The average woman’s size is 16. Which, by my crude, back-of the envelope math, Michelle, makes you THINNER than the average U.S. citizen. Surprise!

I’d love it if you could feel thin, if you could erase the media images, women’s magazine covers, and nasty comments from cruel men online.

But that’s not within my control.

All I can tell you are the facts:

As of 2013, only 4.6% of women 70 and older had never been married (not accounting for the 1.5% of gay women who couldn’t get married).

So, without any pep talk about societal standards, fat shaming, insecurity and the like, I can say, with great confidence, that if you choose to date as a size 10/12, it is inevitable that you will find someone to love you at your current weight — and even more.

Good luck, my friend.

You can do this.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Willowandy

    Unnaturally skinny models are not attractive to me, neither are  very big curves etc.

    For me a level of fitness (as in ability to go up hills/stairs or walk 10km without panicking) is attractive. If you can do that as a size 12, super. On the other hand if somebody is slim and (“hot”), but “physically lazy”, then that is a turn-off.

     

  2. 22
    Large Marge

    I’m late to the party but I wanted to add my .02.

    I’m fat. We’re not talking a little overweight here, we’re talking morbidly obese. I’m 5’4″ and over 300 pounds. But I still find dates! Yes, as  Evan states on his podcasts repeatedly, there’s a (much) narrower pool of candidates for me, but they’re there. I fully recognize most men aren’t attracted to my physically, and I’m ok with that because I only want to go out with the ones who are.

    All of my long-term relationships have come from activities in the real world, not online dating (Meetup and another specialized hobby group I belong to). Keep in mind, by default these men have seen my full body before they asked me out; it’s not like they saw a face pic and were “tricked” into thinking I was thin! The reason the relationships ended had nothing to do with my weight. I think they asked me out because I’m not afraid to be who I am, and own my body with pride.

    Yes, I’ve gotten online dates too, but surprisingly few fat-shaming messages. I suspect that is because I put full-body photos and mention being fat in my profile, essentially taking the power away from the haters. And although none of those have blossomed into romance, I did gain one life-long friend from OKCupid!

    I hope my “testimony” helps you overcome your limiting belief; if I can date despite my size, so can you!

  3. 23
    loubelle

    i hate this fat shaming age we are in. size 10-12 is the right size as long as you feel comfortable. i think thats a great size. we are living in a superficial world especially online dating, some women are constantly in competition with each other to ‘win’ one man lol, its silly. i will never be in competiion with another woman, you know why, because the man im interested in should only care about having me and no one else. If he expects a cat fight hes lost me already. im good looking, look after myself, am hilarious if i do say so myself :-), am a good ‘homemaker’, cook, do all diy, a good mum a good grandma, the list goes on. its about confidence. i lost confidence in my last relationship, was broken emotionally and physically. however after that ended my confidence has returned (i always knew i was pretty amazing anyway lol ;-). do not think u ‘deserve’ any less.. it shows and some men see weakness and use that to their advantage. if they think they wont get away with shenanigans they wont try it ..more than once lol. It is not the men to blame really, it is other women, yes your sisters. they are in competiton with the same sex for the same goal. theres enough men to go round no matter what you think and some nice men at that who will applaud your tenacity and no BS attitude. Its just finding them out. id advise you to join a meetup group where you show up in person to meet people, not to date but just to meet people. then you can show your awesomeness without being behind a dating app. faces have no dimension online. people have to see you laugh, talk, the way you move, interact before they date you, this cant be done online. dating online is superficial sadly, all about looks usually. ignore the men who fat shame, the woman who is a size 4 might be as boring as hell, that aint gonna last is it lol. superficial is superficial does. and any man whos that superficial ‘deserves’ the airhead. next!

  4. 24
    loubelle

    Contd:

    to explain… women are in competition with each other and its them who have conditioned some men into thinking they can have the ‘pick of the crop’. as women we should pull together, no competition over a man by any means, if we all walked away from men that are superficial and expected many admirers and thinks he can take his pick, then they wouldnt act like it lol. think about it. not feminist but common sense.

  5. 25
    loubelle

    contd lol:

    i am also a size 12 and age 45, and ive never had a problem ‘finding’ or ‘getting’ a man. they fall over you if your confident cos they know you wont put up with alot of crap (if they have something about them) :-).   being pretty, thin, big boobs,etc doesnt guarantee you a man, it may guarantee you one who is superficial and who wants that?

  6. 26
    kaystarr

    I’m a size 18. I’m at around 270 lbs. i’m Black, so I always hear I wear my shape “differently” or “better,” but I’m a big girl. While I never had trouble getting interest from men or catching a d#ck I did find myself perpetually single for years. And, even through losing ang regaining over the years I wondered if my weight had something to do with it. My now boyfriend and I started off as friends, but I always felt an undeniable attraction between us. I remember when I fell in love with him during that friendship. I was patient and just learned to hang out and have fun with him. Then, one day he kissed me. Then one day he held my hand and told someone that I’m his girlfriend. Was that easy. He’s a 6’3”, super skinny (he calls himself a bag of bones) heavy metal looking white dude. One day I told him all serious like that I plan to get back on my diet and commit to a healthier body. He squinted, stared at me quizzically and said “why’d you say that all seriously? Chill out woman.” He could not have cared less. It just took finding someone I had immense chemistry and compatibility with, showing him my true, honest, fun, loving self and building a relationship based trust, support and attraction. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. He’s the best boyfriend I could have ever conjured for myself.

    When OP find that one person scale weight won’t matter.

    My girl friend who is around 300 lbs is getting married in May to the greatest h/w proportionate man. I actually knew him before she dated him and I was, like, “ ya, you hit the jackpot  that man is amazing.”

    If you believe your love is awaiting you, they are. He’s out there, but you have to believe in him and yourself (which at a size 12, OP, is the BOMB!)

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