How Can I Learn To Trust A Man And Give Him Freedom?

How Do I Cope With the Other Women in His Life?
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Hello Evan,

I’m new to you, but I’m a quick student. My question is not really for you, though, it’s for your wife. Has she written anything you can refer me to? Like her, I have ALWAYS believed in giving others freedom to live their lives, make their own choices, etc. I’ve not found a man that believes that’s a 2-way street.

I’m 49, out of a 20-year marriage followed by a 2-year relationship with a “player” who took advantage of that freedom. So now I am newly on the dating scene and need a fresh belief system that doesn’t trigger those old fears.

I am interested in her perspective and/or philosophy in regards to how she “deals” with the other women in your life, particularly those you might feel attracted to. I’ve investigated the “polyamorous” and “open relationship” scenarios and I don’t really think that’s what you have or nor what I’m looking for, but how does a woman handle those situations as I do believe in people having freedom in a relationship is the only way it can work. Is this a fine line?

Thanks, Kim

I like your question, Kim, and while my wife is too busy running to Mommy and Me classes and shopping for our dinner parties to sit down and compose her own response, I did actually read her your question after dinner one night last week.

A wife trusts her husband enough to not cheat, even when there’s temptation? That’s crazy talk!

She was flattered and really wanted to give you the best possible answer. Her only recorded thoughts on dating have been compiled in a four-page section of “Why He Disappeared” and I’ve been told, much to my consternation, that her part is the best part of the whole book. I don’t know that I’d go that far — but I would say that learning how to best deal with an alpha male from the horse’s mouth is pretty invaluable. I’m quite candid that everything I teach comes from the “What Would My Wife Do?” school of thought and I think you’ll really enjoy it.

As to your provocative question about how much freedom you should give a man when you’re in an exclusive relationship and how do you deal with the inevitable fears and insecurities, allow me to set the record straight:

It is not at all difficult for my wife to deal with me, for one huge reason.

She trusts me.

Unconditionally. No question about it. Wouldn’t even occur to her that I would ever do anything to breach our vows.

She knows that I value my character and morals as highly as I value anything else in my life. The way other people value religion, I value doing the right thing.

Acceptance is the most powerful tool in making a man feel loyal to you.

And because of that worldview, there’s nothing I can do that’s remotely threatening.

This is why I can be surrounded by five attractive 30-year-old women at a party in Hollywood and I won’t get lectured when I get home.

This is why I can get a lap dance at my bachelor party in Austin, and all my wife asks me when I come home was whether I had fun.

This is why I can occasionally point out a woman in a low-cut top in a restaurant or watch online porn. Neither my wife nor I thinks that this is a slippery slope that’s going to destroy the foundation of our relationship.

This is why my wife can hire burlesque dancers to join the 80’s rock band at my 40th birthday party last month. They were a big hit with everybody — and about 10 women came up to me and told me how extraordinary my wife was. Huh?

Don’t get me wrong, my wife is extraordinary, but the only thing I think is REALLY extraordinary is how RARE this kind of behavior is.

A wife trusts her husband enough to not cheat, even when there’s temptation? That’s crazy talk!

But why? Shouldn’t ALL wives trust their husbands? I sure think so. After all, what kind of relationship do you have if you don’t trust the man you’re supposed to trust?

Thus, the first thing you have to do, Kim, is to find a man that you completely trust, without a doubt. It’s your doubts that will drive you nuts, not the man himself.

Some women would be driven nuts by me, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me. You may think I’m disrespectful. My wife doesn’t. She thinks I’m normal and she loves the fact that I can be myself around her without any fear of retribution. And because she’s so accepting of me — a trait I’ve found very hard to find — I love her in a way that few men openly love their wives.

Acceptance is the most powerful tool in making a man feel loyal to you.

Now that does NOT mean accepting behavior that is inherently unacceptable.

Wherever you draw the line becomes the line

Some women freak out if he talks to another woman, has lunch with another woman, says something cute on Facebook to another woman, or looks at another woman. I think this is a bad policy because it’s essentially asking him to spend his entire life lying to you and denying the existence of any other woman. If you find a man who is willing to pretend that no one else in the world is attractive but you, I applaud you and hope you’re happy.

Agonizing about whether he’s going to cheat is like agonizing about whether a plane is going to crash. You really can’t do anything about it, so you might as well try to enjoy the ride.

But since you’re a freedom-loving woman, Kim, you don’t have to do that. You just want to know how far you should go. It’s not my place to say what’s right for you, but if you believe what I do — that both sexual contact and sexual intention can be considered cheating — then that becomes your tipping point. If your boyfriend is asking for women’s numbers, flirting on Match.com, taking other women out to dinner secretly, having phone sex, or actually cheating on you, then, well, he’s broken the boundaries of exclusivity.

In other words: fantasizing, fine. Acting on his fantasies without your permission, not fine.

As long as you know your boundaries, you can give him all the leeway in the world, until he breaches your trust. Which brings me back to the three things my wife had to say about your question:

1. Go with your gut.

My wife trusts me so much that even when she had physical evidence that I was cheating on her (panties in the dryer), she still believed me when I swore that I wasn’t.

She trusted her gut.

My wife knows infidelity — she’s had three boyfriends cheat on her — and each time, she knew when something was wrong. Her wisdom was in not treating those men (or me) as if they were untrustworthy until they actually did something untrustworthy.

2. Stop looking for it.

As my wife pointed out, if he’s going to cheat on you, he’s going to cheat on you. You can’t stop it with fear or worry or interrogation or jealousy. If anything, those kinds of behaviors will be more likely to drive a man to escape. Agonizing about whether he’s going to cheat is like agonizing about whether a plane is going to crash. You really can’t do anything about it, so you might as well try to enjoy the ride.

3. Trust

As I’ve long said, it’s either full trust or no trust. If you truly trust your guy, you couldn’t even imagine him cheating on you. He has a strong moral code. He treats you like gold. Even if he’s attracted to other women, he would never think of jeopardizing his relationship for a quick fling. And so you let everything go that is not actually cheating behavior — and watch him express his further devotion and appreciation to you.

For you will be the only woman ever who has done that for him — who was confident enough to let him be himself and not try to change him.

That’s why he’ll stick with you forever.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Dagaz

    Evan, i like your respond, no doubt, but there’s a huge difference between marriage and “just” a relationship, even committed one. Or between marriage and a newly-fresh relationship. And so on. It feels very different, especially for a man.
    Trust takes time to build up, also it takes a lot of time until man will be open emotionally, especially if he has a certain bad experience. In most of cases, he will would like to keep his options open, without being a player, but it will hurt woman, indeed. Am i right?..
    Also – yes, if man wants to cheat, he will. But, i’d say, the woman’s concern is not his loyality so much, but she would like to know the truth, so she won’t be fooled for long time.

  2. 42
    Hope

    Re: my post #31….I found the panties story and it’s incredible (when I wrote the last post, I had failed to click the hyperlink back to the first story).   And what a beautiful house you have, if it’s the CYE episode I’m thinking of!
    My trust story:
    I am eight months into a good relationship with a good man who I adore.
    This followed 6+ years of bad luck and bad decisions and having my trust violated in a series of shoulda-known-better relationships.   At the beginning of my current relationship (initiated on Match.com), I was extremely cynical on the inside.   Never mind keeping expectations low– I had practically no faith whatsoever in the relationship because of what had happened to me so consistently before.   Luckily, and with help from this blog, I was able to keep a level head (at least on the outside) and keep my baseless suspicions (i.e., “When we talked tonight, he said he’d call me again on Thursday….he must be seeing another woman on Wednesdays!”) to myself.  
    I just kept reminding myself that this guy was not those guys from before.  This guy is new to me, and has so far done nothing wrong and everything right.   And acting untrusting, suspicious or insecure is guaranteed to be a turnoff.   It really was a revelation….time and time again, my secret insecurities were proven completely wrong.  
    Example: back in January, just a couple months or so into the relationship, he suggests we go to Vegas for a weekend.   I enthusiastically agree and he says he’ll take care of the booking, assuming he can get the weekend I suggested to him.   A couple weeks go by with no more mention of the trip.   I start to assume he’s preparing to dump me or is seeing someone else. I receive a text from him one evening while standing in line at Whole Foods, that says “I emailed you about the trip.   Let’s talk later.” I reply, “Can you let me know now?” He responds “I’m in the car…will be home in 45 minutes”.   This strikes me as guilty avoidance and I am nearly in tears all the way home. When I finally get home to my laptop, I open his email to see the flight and hotel itinerary taken care of for the dates in late February I had requested, plus tickets for a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon “as a Valentine’s present.”
    By actual Valentine’s Day, my faith in the poor man was still lacking, and as we hadn’t discussed Valentine’s plans the preceding weekend, I was in a real funk on Monday (VDay was a Tuesday).   All day at work I was moody and even contemplated making plans with a single gal pal on Valentine’s so I could whine about my life.   But sure enough, just as I finished work, I received a text from my man saying he’ll call in a bit so we can make plans for the weekend…and “don’t forget to leave tomorrow night open for me to take you to a Valentine’s dinner : )”.
    Around the same time, a new female intern was put under his supervision at his male-dominated office…a 24-year old girl who had gone to the same college as him (he’s 39).   He arranged to carpool with her because she also lives in his neighborhood.   Despite this being the makings of a nightmare of suspicion for me, I kept my cool, kept a smile on my face, and never made any expression of jealousy, worry or distrust in regards to her.   Over time, not only did my boyfriend disclose that the intern is herself in a long-term relationship, but also that while he was friendly with her at first, he quickly came to find her rather irritating and immature.   I also met her and her man this summer at a pool party, and came away feeling confident there never was anything to worry about.
    Did I mention this man of mine is also handsome, funny, meticulously tidy, a well-paid lawyer, French and also owns a furnished apartment in Paris?  
    Dreams do come true! : )
    I just met his mother, who was visiting from France, and was invited on a two week family vacation with him and his folks.
    It’s still too early to feel completely sure of our future together, but I do have faith now, and I trust him completely.   It’s so nice to be able to relax and enjoy loving and being loved.   This would NEVER have happened if I had voiced my irrational suspicions, or had otherwise given up on or sabotaged the relationship, early in the game when I was still licking old wounds. I just kept cool, kept a smile on my face, and reminded myself not to punish him for my exes’ misdeeds.
      
    Thank you Evan!!!
      
      

  3. 43
    Katrina

    Lily2 41

    @ Katrina
    Help me understand this…
    A friend of mine has an open marriage and his wife allows threesomes and he is always cheating on her behind her back.
      
    Help me understand this. You state they have an “open marriage.” How does one cheat in an OPEN relationship? Do you mean he has more women than he admits to?

    I mean every relationship has rules including “Open” marriages. His wife allows him out and to sleep with other women and he shares her with his mates. You would think he’d be satisfied but she is always watching the clock to make sure he is home directly after work!
    I know because he tried to meet up with me during work hours! Hedge fund bastard!
    I’m sorry people.. but I have been dating for only 2 years now and in that time almost every single one of my friends and neighbors have made moves on me! Some with absolutely stunning wives!
    I am not all that great looking but I am a bit of a kinky slut who can appear deceptively open minded.
    I find that more men open up to me as a result!
    And what I found is that most women live in a dream world where their husbands would never cheat! TBH most don’t realize that he is taking that business trip and having a date at the same time. Or late for work because he was busy in a day hotel.
    These men are two different people! At home they are the ideal husband, seem attentive, sex life is great, always has time for his wife. Yet so many men complain that although they love their wives they just need that bit of excitement on the side!
    i don’t agree with it at all. But I think men who are faithful to their wives are few and far between! The ones who don’t cheat usually can’t find someone to cheat with them and can’t be bothered to make too much effort.
    It is hard work to find women to sleep with when your single let alone when your married.
    btw I don’t hate men! I love them.. but I have yet to find one that can keep his dick in his pants when tempted!

  4. 44
    David T

    Define “putting the moves on you.”   Some people flirt for fun and for some couples that is perfectly acceptable.   It does not mean they would ever act on it.   Now if someone grabs your breast and puts their tongue in your mouth, that is different!
      
    The men I know well and hang around with would not cheat on their partners, ever. I don’t seem them hitting on women etc. etc. Maybe I am naïve, but I can’t imagine the people I know are completely unusual.

  5. 45
    Fiona

    Katrina, are these people all Essex boy bankers with too much money and not enough brains by any chance? If so, I nothing would surprise me. A few weeks ago I stayed with friends in a wealthy part of Canary Wharf for the weekend and in the two days I was there we saw at least 4 hookers in the building. However, they are in no way representative of the majority of the population so you may have a very skewed view of the world.

  6. 46
    Katrina

    David in my experience any man who flirts is easy pickings for a bit of naughty time!
    I have tested it and asked them straight if they would like a bj and not one has ever turned me down!
    Not one!

  7. 47
    Leesa

    hi
    there are two things i want to write here. the last guy i was with knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel very safe and secure with him. i thought he was the most loyal, genuine guy and that he would never cheat on me. after he left me for another women (after i found out about her – he was sleeping with both of us for a couple of weeks), i found out that he had cheated on his wife (he told me that she had cheated on him). so there are these guys, who ease you into a false sense on security so that they can have you at home when they get home, and they can chase other women when they’re out, and you wouldn’t suspect or expect for a minute what they are doing.   so in this case, it’s very difficult to judge clearly. i think that’s how it happens to women. they believe what they are told and they trust their partners.
    two days ago, i was told by a construction worker that when his gang works out of town, every single guy in the gang (except 1), is cheating on their wives (or chasing other women).   now, i think those women would be sitting at home, not expecting their husbands to be cheating on them.   it’s saddened me to hear that all bar one guy was cheating. but then i was grateful that there was one not cheating and i hoped that that is the type of guy i find in the future … if i adhere to evan’s dating advice.

  8. 48
    Helen

    I think most flirting is harmless. If a man flirts, that doesn’t mean that he wants to (all things considered) sleep with the woman with whom he’s flirting.  Nor  does it mean that he is untrustworthy.

    The only real danger is when one person is being lighthearted about flirtation and the other party takes it more seriously than was  intended. But if it’s done in a culture or a sub-culture where everyone is on the same page about it, then flirting is harmless, and even nice and flattering. I can’t flirt to save my life, but like it when other people (men AND women) flirt with me. It cheers me up.

    So, David T, I agree with you on that.    
      
    More generally, I agree with everyone above who has said that you can’t stop another person from cheating. The only person you can control without causing resentment elsewhere is yourself. I think the majority of people at least have the INTENTION not to cheat on loved ones. So if you want to align yourself with a trustworthy person, the first thing to do is to gauge how he feels about the topic (when you’re close enough to do so), and to share honestly and without anger how you feel. That way, you’ll learn if you’re on the same page. But remember that you can’t change another person easily.

  9. 49
    Heather

    @ Leesa,

    I totally understand that.   My best friend is a military contractor and often goes over to war zones for work.   He’s come home telling me all kinds of stories about people over there (men AND women, military AND civilian) who cheat on their partners/spouses.   He told me that sadly, the majority of them do, and he would know, he’s been in the military and now as a civilian, been on numerous tours to the Middle East, so he’s seen alot.

    In fact, I dated a few military contractors and each and every time, they were playing me.   Every. Time.   They saw me as an easy target because I wanted to not be a jaded, cynical bitch, and try to believe them and take their words at face value.   My best friend finally talked to me last spring while home on 30-day R&R, and said gently that I’d probably be better off if I just avoided dating military or military contractors for awhile, due to this problem with fidelity (or lack thereof) when these guys are overseas.  

    Are there military guys and contractors who are faithful?   Indeed there are, my best friend worked with a good few of them who were excellent husbands and fathers.   Sadly, that was the minority though.

    So, I learned to weed them out.   If they wrote to me on PlentyOfFish, I either chose not to respond, or responded stating that I no longer wished to date anyone in the military.   Did it narrow my pool?   Considering that I live not far from the Pentagon, you had better believe it.   I live in a hotbed of military and military contractors so you basically cannot swing a dead cat without hitting one, here.   But the amount of drama in dating, dropped so much.   I was more at peace.   I could enjoy other aspects of my life without that awful knot in my stomach.

  10. 50
    Ileana

    Wow, Katrina’s comments in #46 and #49 kinda freaked me out…. I cannot understand how these guys would simply risk their   marriage only for a fling.

    Anyways, all this reminded me of a movie with Jennifer Love Hewit on this very topic. It’s called ‘The truth about love’. (SPOILER ALERT AHOY!) So the main character (JLH) sends her husband, a very successful lawyer, on Valentines day a prank letter, making it seem as if it was from another woman who admired him. She was very surprised when he didnt mention anything about the letter and this made her even more curious about what exactly her husband is thinking. The situation then evolved from   naughty texts to a meeting at a hotel, where she asked him to blindfold himself at the door, in order not to see her. He had sex with her, without even knowing who she was! Needless to say, he not only theoretically cheated on his wife with a ‘stranger’, but also on his long term mistress.  
    Needless to say, when he found out about this, he wasn’t exacly happy.

    Evan, what do you think of such a move? Is it wise to ‘test’ your partner in such ways- Send him anonymous texts and see if he replies?   Or is this just plain rude?

    1. 50.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Ileana: Seriously? What do I think of sending fake flirty messages to my spouse in hopes that she fails to fall for such entrapment? I think you’d have to be either a) paranoid, b) psychotic or c) in a really, really bad relationship to consider doing that.

  11. 51
    Paragon

    @ Katrina
      
    “My ex ex husband”
      
    What is an ex ex husband?
      
    Is that another way of saying, you divorced him, and then remarried him again?
      
    “He often says that he can’t believe his luck. I asked him if it was okay for his wife to have other men and he said his wife  doesn’t want too!
    In my eyes this is completely unfair to the wife. Its as if she is settling to make him happy without any concern for  herself.”
      
    On the contrary, perhaps she places more value on her keeping him happy.
      
    She is also probably savvy enough to realize that, if she can abide his open promiscuity, it is less of a threat to her.

      “That is an extreme case but back to the men whose wives trust them completely not to actually cheat behind her back I think  its a crock and alot of men are getting off the hook here. And they know it! A friend of mine has an open marriage and his  wife allows threesomes and he is always cheating on her behind her back. Yet she believes that because they are open about  everything he tells her the truth.
      
    The fact is that women need to be more independent and men need to learn how to be grateful for what they have!”
      
    Perhaps, it is the wives who are grateful for what they have – it is only a select minority(think 10-20%) of males who are  attractive enough to indulge in these kinds of arrangements.
      
    And this should be an expected trade-off to mating with a male who is of substantially higher value than  themselves.
      
    “As for trust… well it is usually undeserved but we will always have a few idiot women who truly believe her husband doesn’t  succumb to temptation behind her back.”
      
    I recall in Evan’s entry concerning Attractive men not always making the best husbands there was an insightful post from a  woman who admitted that this was the price(ie. infidelity, abuse, etc.) many are willing to pay, in indulging a  high value male.
      
    Of course, they reserve the right to vent, even if it is nothing more than catharsis.
      
    “I’m sorry people.. but I have been dating for only 2 years now and in that time almost every single one of my friends and  neighbors have made moves on me! Some with absolutely stunning wives!
    I am not all that great looking but I am a bit of a kinky slut who can appear deceptively open minded.”
      
    From which we might conclude that men(perhaps in a frigid marriage) are drawn to your reputation.
      
    “I find that more men open up to me as a result!”
      
    Go figure.
      
    “i don’t agree with it at all. But I think men who are faithful to their wives are few and far between! The ones who don’t  cheat usually can’t find someone to cheat with them and can’t be bothered to make too much effort.”
      
    Risk averse males with healthy sex lives and only inferior options(ie. less attractive than wife) have more to lose, than  gain.   
      
    So, it occurs that if women want to minimize risk, they should order their prospects accordingly, rather than just trying to  maximize the most superficial traits.
      
    But, if it is TRUST that you want, either learn to trust the one you love, or learn to love those who are TRUSTWORTHY(if you  are concerned with that trust being justified).

      “btw I don’t hate men! I love them.. but I have yet to find one that can keep his dick in his pants when tempted!”

    This is only relevant with respect to purportedly monogamous males.

    If so, it is not surprising, given that fidelity is inconspicuous, and requires more information of the system to be inferred.

  12. 52
    Fiona

    Katrina, what on earth? The onus is on the party in the relationship not to cheat but offering blow jobs to married men? Not sure what you get out of this or what your own dating objectives are but what goes around tends to come around and carrying on like this isn’t likely to get you a committed relationship nor help your long term self esteem.  

  13. 53
    Wendy

    @Leesa 50:  I understand and sympathize with you  for getting played like  a violin. I try to enter each new relationship with an open mind (and a closed mouth)  regarding my fears about getting cheated on again. Yes, I said again, because it’s happened to me a lot. I love it when people tell me I’m “choosing the wrong men.” These guys have all been upstanding citizens chock full of integrity, and yet they still cheat. It’s not like they wear t-shirts with “CHEATER” on the front, so please tell me how I’m “choosing” players! One guy was home with me every night, did all the right things, was very affectionate and sweet, and it turns out he was sleeping with a co-worker on his lunch hour. I completely trusted this guy–he’d given me no reason not to. I only found out because another co-worker felt sorry for me and filled me in, and after a little investigating I found it was true. But it always makes me laugh  when another brilliant person tells me I  choose the wrong men. The bottom line is, I have to believe that there  is a man out there who feels as strongly as I do that a solid, loving, respectful relationship is better than the “excitement” of a little on the side. The man I’m dating now seems to be that guy, but I can promise you this: I will not bury my head in the sand and pretend he isn’t capable of cheating; but I won’t go looking for it or poison the relationship with mistrust because he hasn’t done anything wrong yet.

  14. 54
    Heather

    @ Wendy,

    I understand how you feel, I really do.   My aunt and uncle are a PRIME example of what you are talking about.   They married young, just outta high school.   Had 3 kids and I think 5-6 grandkids together.   They’d been together forever.   Until last year, when he decided to have some kind of midlife crisis, said that my aunt didn’t truly love him (my uncle really needs to see a shrink, he’s psycho), and walked out.   And has come back.   And walked out.   Done this back and forth thing, a few times.   Why my wonderful aunt hasn’t cursed this jerk out and sent him to the curb with the trash, I have no idea.

    But how was she to know, that he’d do this almost 40 years down the road?   It wasn’t like my uncle had a t-shirt with “Asshole” on it, when she met him.   My grandparents raised him with much better morals and values, and he was very active in church and whatnot (then again, thinking about that, that should have been everyone’s first clue, IMO).   I don’t know that she’d really had a bad “picker” it’s just that he flaked out, decided not to commit, and walked.  

    This isn’t to say that we women bear no responsibility in a relationship going wrong.   However, we can go in as best we can, make an educated leap of faith, and still have it go wrong.   And yes it hurts when we’re told we choose the wrong men.   I was stung when I met a guy, while going through my divorce, and things were going great.   My family loved him, friends thought he was pretty decent, we were doing fine.   Then, out of nowhere, I find out that his Mom was talking smack about me behind my back for being divorced, even though she knew I was a survivor of domestic violence.   It turned out that I had a total coward and Mama’s boy on my hands.   People told me that I picked the wrong man.   I sat there and went look.   I went in with good intentions, paid close attention for warning signs, didn’t see any glaring problems, and we had had a pretty healthy relationship.  

    It can sting when we’re judged like that, and folks don’t know the whole story.   Again, sure, we often do pick the wrong guy, absolutely.   But we aren’t going to see everything coming down the pike.

  15. 55
    Ileana

    @Evan: Well, i didn’t say doing that in the hopes  of her falling for it. Just as to observe the reaction. If she’d respond, wouldn’t that be a bad sign?

    This whole idea probably seems ridiculous, but just reading some of the comments in here makes me confused. Why would somebody, male or female, who is in a happy relationship and gets all their needs met, still feel the need to cheat? And why would they then pretend that they are soo close to their partner and romantic etc etc. ?  

    I. JUST. DON’T. GET. IT! Maybe i’m just too young and with really little experience in this area, but… wouldn’t it be A LOT easier to end the relationship and start a new one, instead of cheating?…

      

  16. 56
    Clare

    @ Heather # 32

    I am with you on that. Cheating is a non-negotiable deal-breaker for me, and I have always known that. Guys I have been with have  known that upfront as well.

    It may seem a little harsh to some, but in setting this boundary my goal is not to judge the other person, but just simply that I know myself, and I know that this is something *I* cannot come back from. There are many other things I can  forgive and let slide, and I fully believe that each person has the right to set what is and isn’t a dealbreaker for him or her.

    (On that note, I was reading Evan’s post about Dan Savage’s  take on the virtues of infidelity, and it ties in quite nicely with this post.)  

  17. 57
    Ana

    @ Henriette: ”What should my small-breasted, brunette friend do when her boyfriend announces, loudly, at a dinner out with friends that he loooooves big-boobed blondes the instant the waitress fitting that description saunters away from the table?”
    That’s disgusting, I feel sorry for her…

  18. 58
    Ellen

    Ana: There’s a  local pizza place here that ONLY hires young girls with perfect figures. So transparent…..

    Oh, wait, NBC, CBS, CNN, Fox etc. do that also. But at least the old stereotype that good looking people can’t be intelligent is finally being laid to rest (for the most part anyway). 🙂

  19. 59
    Heather

    @ Clare,

    You put it beautifully.   I know myself very well, and abuse and cheating are two that I will never be able to come back from.   Trust is very big for me and if that trust is violated in any way, well, sorry, it’s gone and probably won’t be back so why should I date someone I don’t trust.   Been there, and done that, and enough is enough now.   It’s time to do what Paige Parker calls “Dating Without Drama” and time to set good, healthy boundaries to protect my sanity.

    Judgment, well, I would just go so far as to say hey, what they did reflects upon some pretty serious character flaws, but it’s not my place to seriously wish them ill, or take revenge.   I’ve had a couple of cases where “the best revenge is living well” has worked beautifully for me.  

  20. 60
    Mia

    Yes, a large number of men cheat- as I’ve posted before, I and every girl I know have been propositioned by attached guys. But I’m still not one of those cynical types that think all men cheat. I had a bf when I was younger who would have been great husband material – a nerdy 35 yo guy who had only had 11 sex partners, hardly any luck with women, and was kind, thoughtful, and was one of the only guys I’ve ever dated who didn’t make a big fuss over my looks. He never would have cheated. We broke up for legitimate reasons, but really, how many women want to date an honest, decent man like this ? They want a hotter, more exciting guy. If you go for more attractive types who have bedded a lot of chicks, what do you think is gonna happen? Men like Evan who have been serial daters and are good lookng flirts simply aren’t good bets – Evan himself may not cheat, as it would ruin his cred as a dating coach, but generally serial daters are not good bets. I dont feel like playing the alpha male lottery and frankly it’s like owning a white expensive coat – too much work to ensure it stays clean. Better to get the less stylish black pea coat on sale.  

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