How Can You Attract and Keep the Right Guy?

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You were delighted when I told you how to tell if a man was falling in love with you.

You were thrilled when I told you when to dump a non-committal guy.

I think you’re going to be challenged by what I’m about to tell you in my next video.

We’ve long ago established that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

That describes most of us when it comes to dating and relationships.

You’re wired a certain way. You’re attracted to a certain kind of personality type.

Over and over, you plug away, trying to make things work, even though it should be readily apparent by now: there’s not necessarily something wrong with YOU, nor is every man in your life fatally flawed. The problem is how you two work as a couple.

Two great ingredients don’t necessarily taste good together.

Lobster and cinnamon come to mind.

So what we’re here to do is try to reduce this to a simple science, finding a man who’s not just a great guy, but finding a man who’s a great fit for your life.

That may sound a little cold and cerebral to you, but I hate to tell you, following your heart has caused pretty much all of your relationship troubles. If love is blind, it’s my job to take the blinders off and let you know how to make slight adjustments that will lead you to greater happiness.

And let me be the first to tell you, greater happiness doesn’t rest in choosing a guy who’s just like you. My mantra to women is to look for a complement, not a clone.

This may not come naturally to you, especially if you’re a smart, strong, successful woman who thinks that you “deserve” a man who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than you are.

Essentially, you’re trying to date yourself, with a penis.

That kind of thinking is a huge blind spot for many women.

(Just imagine if men said the same thing: “I need a woman who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than I am.” No one would ever be able to settle down because everyone would be trying to trade up!)

This creates a conundrum for women who consider themselves in the 90th percentile of everything. In other words, the number of men who are taller, smarter, richer, is going to be a small fraction of the population. (Consider: 15% of men are 6 feet tall. 10% have masters degrees. 2% make over 200K, etc.)

Furthermore, these prime specimens of man meat are NOT necessarily looking to date female versions of themselves.

You may want these alpha male studs, but these alpha male studs often prefer women who are less busy, more available, less critical, and lower maintenance.

Therein lies the friction.

What happens when you catch one of these Bill Clinton/Tiger Woods type men?

Well, consider the personality type of a guy who is busy, driven, and wealthy. He’s demanding. He’s used to getting his way. He’s a conqueror. He’s not big on compromise. He doesn’t think the rules apply to him. And he’s got an endless supply of female suitors. Add those all up, and you have a man who is really hard to land for a successful forty-year relationship.

These prime specimens of man meat are NOT necessarily looking to date female versions of themselves

The only way to land a man like that is to give him what he can’t get anywhere else. What he can’t get from his guy friends. What he can’t get from his work. What he can’t get from his hobbies. That’s why he’d date you, because you provide an element to his life that is unique and special.

He wants a woman who is nurturing and thoughtful and supportive and patient and fun and playful and sexy.

This doesn’t mean that he is turned off or intimidated by your intelligence or ambition, but it’s merely a bonus. After all, he’s surrounded by smart, driven people all day long. When he gets home, he needs to turn off his business mind.

He doesn’t need to be challenged or criticized. He needs to laugh.
He’s doesn’t care about your doctorate or your triathlon medals. He’s got his own.

And if you perpetually think that the more impressive you are, the more it’s going to allow you to land an impressive man, I would encourage you to reconsider.

Men are looking for someone who makes his life better, simply by being optimistic, silly, sexy, and fun. It’s a completely different energy from your ability to slay dragons in the workplace.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t consider herself an ambitious, intense CEO type, it will be far easier for you to land one of these men, because you offer a complementary feminine energy to his masculine energy.

This can be hard to swallow, I acknowledge.

But I’m telling you, after 8 years of coaching, I’ve become convinced that people don’t change. Which is why I’m not asking you to change yourself; only to change your choice of men. Recently I was asked what percentage of my clients found love by changing their personalities vs. what percentage of my clients found love from changing their choice of men.

All my success stories changed their choice of men. If you’re out working 60 hours a week, you don’t need a guy who does the same. You might need a guy who is your complement, a supporter, a nurturer, your biggest fan who is your strength when the going gets tough. He makes you laugh. He listens to you. He gets you.

You might need your own complement, just like the alpha males I’ve described above.

You can protest that you don’t want your complement; you still want your clone.

Fair enough. How’s that working for you?

So, to me, your takeaway in figuring out how to attract and keep the right guy, your biggest problem is not who you are inside.

It’s your picker.

The men you’re choosing are not necessarily the right guy.

Because when you choose someone with a complementary energy, the puzzle pieces just fit and the whole thing becomes easy.

And I assure you, there’s absolutely no need for dating coaching when you’re in an easy relationship with a guy who is a great fit for your life.

*UPDATE: FOCUS Coaching is now available! Click here to learn more about this coaching program for smart, strong, successful women.

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Comments:

  1. 221
    Ruby

    Annie #235

    I don’t know your profession, so I’m not sure how such a statement would be used in that context. But in the context that I believe Nathan is meaning it here, I have no issues with him saying he believes himself to be one of the most “impartial” commentators on this board, for example. However, if you disagree with Nathan’s statements and opinions in general, then you might have reason to challenge that belief. Certainly, there are both power-driven and ambitious individuals in most professions. but I’d agree that most women are looking for the hard-working type, rather than the power-hungry version.

  2. 222
    Jadafisk

    But… everyone “struggles with failing health in their later years.” It’s how you die.

  3. 223
    Ali

    It’s true 100% what you said in the post. Everyone wants a challenge. If I have seen already what you have to offer then why should I even stay here when I can get something better. The key is to not let the relationship become monotonous and always keep evolving.

  4. 224
    Eva Miller

    Really some very inspirational content! I am so pleased to know that information whatever you pop up here about relationship and attract a guy. Thanks Evan!!  

  5. 225
    Vanessa

    Totally not helpful. I have been trying to find the right guy for years. Not my clone like it suggest all women do, but the right man. Unfortunately I seem to only attract jerks with one thing on their minds. I was hoping this would tell me how to attract the right kind of man, not tell me what it thinks I’ve been looking for and why that isn’t working.

  6. 226
    Lana

    At the risk of offending, which I sincerely do NOT mean to do … geez, tough crowd in some places here.

    FTR, I perceive Nathan’s posts to be “balanced” as well. IN THE GREATER SENSE OF THE MEANING. Meaning, I may not agree on all of his points but feel he shares them in a “fair” and “just” manner. Overall. As a whole.

    I appreciate his contributions – and the other males brave enough to post on here. What is with the literal dictionary references? If that sort of thing is being done in your relationships, and I imagine it probably is, I’m guessing it doesn’t go over well …. but some of you are successfully proving true much of Evan’s advice, so at least there’s THAT.

    Karl – I’ve benefited greatly from your posts in this and other threads. Thank you for the no-nonsense, intelligent insight.

    As for Jonathan, geez – shaking my head how his contribution got so twisted? Why he had nearly each point/paragraph dissected? He seemed to have a great deal of depth and EQ; I did not assume his expectation to be that his GF prioritize him without any reciprocation.

    I can’t help but agree with some of the comments that a few on here sound a bit bitter and absolutely, obstinately unwilling to change their mindset with relationships, which as Evan likes to point out, isn’t working for us!

    Notice I said unwilling to, instead of unable. And you can save the dissection because I was once, and recently, in dire need of altering my own mindset. I didn’t want to hear anything that didn’t support my myopic viewpoint. And that’s putting it nicely. I only wanted what I *thought* I wanted, held staunchly to that, couldn’t see how my toddler perspective was flawed, yet all my “But, but, buts … ” in the world couldn’t refute the fact that I wasn’t finding a good relationship that was long-term and gave me what I actually needed.

    And then something shifted. It was a number of parallel factors, but I finally started to ‘get it’. That process will vary for most of us, but the basic premise of Evan’s advice and associated blogs, contributed to some very critical ‘Aha’ moments for me.

    Everyone’s situation is different. This is a help forum, take what resonates with you and leave the rest. But let’s not nullify men on here for sharing their perspective. Open your mind a little and really listen to what some of them are saying.

     

     

     

  7. 227
    Nisha

    What if I believe I am one of those rare women who really does want to change herself? I think most people would describe me as smart, successful and strong. I’m 31 and have a master’s degree, work in the medical field, and I am divorced with a 7 year old daughter. I spend so much of my time caring for other people. And I’m not complaining. I love it. But I wish I spent more time at home not at work. I want to bake more and make my significant other’s lunches and clean and play more of the supportive and nurturing role. I always thought I wanted a successful career because that came naturally to me with school and awards, etc. But I don’t. I found that is not the best part of my life. And it some ways I have come to resent working so hard and making six figures and being respected and honored in the workplace because I HAD to do it to support myself and family while being married to my exhusband because he was not. He was nice but passive, went through several jobs, wanted to volunteer all the time but was not a leader and did not have vision.   I want a smart, successful man who provides and protects and yes he may work 60-80 hours a week but he has a good heart. Being doted on is not always most essential. Men who work hard and often..that is a way of showing love and care too. I believe that kind of man needs love and support too and I think I would be a good complement to him. But it does not always come naturally to me because I’m used to wearing the pants out of necessity and I get frustrated because I want time he doesn’t have. But I’m patient if he reminds me I’m still loved. I don’t know if that puts me at wanting an alpha male, beta or omega… Quite frankly I’m confused by all those terms. Most people are somewhere in between. I am working to change and learn about who I am as well as change the type of men I date.

    *Evan, why are people using your advice and webpage if they inherently disagree with it? I don’t think you should waste time debating with them. I think this article and all the others are great and are so useful to me. You always provide an important often overlooked perspective.

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