How Can You Attract and Keep the Right Guy?

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You were delighted when I told you how to tell if a man was falling in love with you.

You were thrilled when I told you when to dump a non-committal guy.

I think you’re going to be challenged by what I’m about to tell you in my next video.

We’ve long ago established that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

That describes most of us when it comes to dating and relationships.

You’re wired a certain way. You’re attracted to a certain kind of personality type.

Over and over, you plug away, trying to make things work, even though it should be readily apparent by now: there’s not necessarily something wrong with YOU, nor is every man in your life fatally flawed. The problem is how you two work as a couple.

Two great ingredients don’t necessarily taste good together.

Lobster and cinnamon come to mind.

So what we’re here to do is try to reduce this to a simple science, finding a man who’s not just a great guy, but finding a man who’s a great fit for your life.

That may sound a little cold and cerebral to you, but I hate to tell you, following your heart has caused pretty much all of your relationship troubles. If love is blind, it’s my job to take the blinders off and let you know how to make slight adjustments that will lead you to greater happiness.

And let me be the first to tell you, greater happiness doesn’t rest in choosing a guy who’s just like you. My mantra to women is to look for a complement, not a clone.

This may not come naturally to you, especially if you’re a smart, strong, successful woman who thinks that you “deserve” a man who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than you are.

Essentially, you’re trying to date yourself, with a penis.

That kind of thinking is a huge blind spot for many women.

(Just imagine if men said the same thing: “I need a woman who is smarter, stronger, and more successful than I am.” No one would ever be able to settle down because everyone would be trying to trade up!)

This creates a conundrum for women who consider themselves in the 90th percentile of everything. In other words, the number of men who are taller, smarter, richer, is going to be a small fraction of the population. (Consider: 15% of men are 6 feet tall. 10% have masters degrees. 2% make over 200K, etc.)

Furthermore, these prime specimens of man meat are NOT necessarily looking to date female versions of themselves.

You may want these alpha male studs, but these alpha male studs often prefer women who are less busy, more available, less critical, and lower maintenance.

Therein lies the friction.

What happens when you catch one of these Bill Clinton/Tiger Woods type men?

Well, consider the personality type of a guy who is busy, driven, and wealthy. He’s demanding. He’s used to getting his way. He’s a conqueror. He’s not big on compromise. He doesn’t think the rules apply to him. And he’s got an endless supply of female suitors. Add those all up, and you have a man who is really hard to land for a successful forty-year relationship.

These prime specimens of man meat are NOT necessarily looking to date female versions of themselves

The only way to land a man like that is to give him what he can’t get anywhere else. What he can’t get from his guy friends. What he can’t get from his work. What he can’t get from his hobbies. That’s why he’d date you, because you provide an element to his life that is unique and special.

He wants a woman who is nurturing and thoughtful and supportive and patient and fun and playful and sexy.

This doesn’t mean that he is turned off or intimidated by your intelligence or ambition, but it’s merely a bonus. After all, he’s surrounded by smart, driven people all day long. When he gets home, he needs to turn off his business mind.

He doesn’t need to be challenged or criticized. He needs to laugh.
He’s doesn’t care about your doctorate or your triathlon medals. He’s got his own.

And if you perpetually think that the more impressive you are, the more it’s going to allow you to land an impressive man, I would encourage you to reconsider.

Men are looking for someone who makes his life better, simply by being optimistic, silly, sexy, and fun. It’s a completely different energy from your ability to slay dragons in the workplace.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t consider herself an ambitious, intense CEO type, it will be far easier for you to land one of these men, because you offer a complementary feminine energy to his masculine energy.

This can be hard to swallow, I acknowledge.

But I’m telling you, after 8 years of coaching, I’ve become convinced that people don’t change. Which is why I’m not asking you to change yourself; only to change your choice of men. Recently I was asked what percentage of my clients found love by changing their personalities vs. what percentage of my clients found love from changing their choice of men.

All my success stories changed their choice of men. If you’re out working 60 hours a week, you don’t need a guy who does the same. You might need a guy who is your complement, a supporter, a nurturer, your biggest fan who is your strength when the going gets tough. He makes you laugh. He listens to you. He gets you.

You might need your own complement, just like the alpha males I’ve described above.

You can protest that you don’t want your complement; you still want your clone.

Fair enough. How’s that working for you?

So, to me, your takeaway in figuring out how to attract and keep the right guy, your biggest problem is not who you are inside.

It’s your picker.

The men you’re choosing are not necessarily the right guy.

Because when you choose someone with a complementary energy, the puzzle pieces just fit and the whole thing becomes easy.

And I assure you, there’s absolutely no need for dating coaching when you’re in an easy relationship with a guy who is a great fit for your life.

*UPDATE: FOCUS Coaching is now available! Click here to learn more about this coaching program for smart, strong, successful women.

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Comments:

  1. 41
    RW

    @Heather
    I hear you and I see what you’re seeing  but might it be that  you’re too nice.   Maybe it is worth it to emulate some of the positive characteristics of the aforementioned “bitch”.   She doesn’t attract the men because she’s  difficult but she can afford to be  difficult  because she has many things that attract men.   In my humble opinion, it is the confidence and self assuredness that attracts the guys and 9 times out of 10, it is also accompanied by a patented brand of bitchiness.   Emulate the self confidence and sexiness without the nastiness and you will have struck gold.  

  2. 42
    Teresa

    As long as men are willing to put up with the bitchy high maintenance drama queens there is no hope for the nice women.   Maybe it’s the challenge as someone else mentioned?
    I see these relationships/marriages all the time.   Nice sweet male and his significant other is a bitch on wheels who  has him under her thumb  and I wonder what the heck!?!?   These women are not generally  above average  in appearance/intelligence/sexiness    confident yes very.

  3. 43
    Goldie

    @ Stacy #47:
      
    “In fact, when I turn my bitch on, I get more attention, more gifts and more pursuit than when I am being sweet and easy going.  So Heather is on to something — sweet girls finish last just as nice guys.”
      
    Nuh-uh, no. That hasn’t been my experience. I’m seeing the opposite – people like me and want to meet again (and again…) because, according to them, I’m nice, easy to deal with, and fun. Then again, I date divorced guys. They have already eaten a full serving of the bitchy and aren’t in a hurry to come back for seconds!
      
    Also, how can a genuinely nice person turn the bitch on and off on command? I mean, how is it physically possible? I know I can’t. I’m not a bitch one day and a nice person the next – I’m me. (probably a little bit of both…)
      
    Evan is right, though, nice girls have to be confident as well. There’s nice, and then there’s a doormat.
      
    @ Heather #43, not sure I understand this: “they see that I am so not a source of drama (ex has disappeared and I have no kids)…” What’s one got to do with the other? In my case, guys see that I am on civil terms with my ex, I haven’t taken him to the cleaners when I left, I have cool, smart, funny, independent kids that I have a great relationship with, and encourage them to have a great relationship with their father as well… where’s the drama in that? Guys appear to think it’s all pretty cool. Pretty sure drama means something different, not just “kids at home and ex still in the picture”.

  4. 44
    RW

    Stacy #47

    I’ve been following your  back and forth  with Evan,  admittedly  with much enjoyment 😀
    In theory, I see what you’re saying but I have to say that I agree with Evan.   I can understand that the true betas bore you and I know the exact type of man you’re talking about.   But I don’t believe that the alternative to this is to find a pure alpha who is unavailable.  Betas make viable, albeit mind   numbingly boring life companions and alphas make for highly interesting, unstable, short term relationships.   Now we’re talking about men at either end of the spectrum.   Neither is desirable though the latter is much more fun.   And who really wants to think about long term when dangerous fun is available in the short term 😛
    All snide comments notwithstanding, maybe it’s better to set classifications aside and just find a man who is neither alpha nor beta but a jack of all trades, so to speak.   He might not be as driven as a CEO but will likely have a satisfying, successful career that leaves some time in his schedule for you.   I agree that NYC is unique as cities go but you can’t possibly be saying that ALL men you meet fall only in the pure alpha or pure beta category.   And to satisfy my curiosity, have you had a successful, long term relationship with someone who could be considered a pure alpha?

  5. 45
    RW

    @ Goldie
      
    >> Also, how can a genuinely nice person turn the bitch on and off on command? I mean, how is it physically possible? I know I can’t. I’m not a bitch one day and a nice person the next — I’m me. (probably a little bit of both…)

    I think she’s confusing bitchiness with confidence, being unreasonably demanding with appearing to know what she wants, and being  all out difficult with asking to be treated with respect.  

    So turning the inner bitch on and off, no.   Tuning in to your sense of self worth and demanding to be treated well while still being your nice self, yes.

  6. 46
    Stacy

    RW #52

    I am glad you’ve been enjoying my comments 🙂 There’s definitely alpha’s out there who are available, so the right choice is between a beta and an available alpha. Unavailable people  are easy to weed out.  The vast majority of corporate CEOs, top-managers, wall streeters and the likes after the certain age are married. I don’t know where this image of “unavailable alpha” comes from, i really don’t.

    It’s a popular chliche that has little to do with reality, and honestly,  I think that most alpha-females that are struggling in the relationship space need more than just dating advice. They need more serious professional counceling to address the underlying issues that prevent them from forming a relationship. As SSW #10 alluded to, many of us grew up in a challenging environment, some are a product of a broken home, some have struggled in life a lot and while this has made us into who we are, it is also affecting our love life in a negative way. Reflecting on these underlying issues, dropping the emotional baggage we carry and becoming confident in our own (new) skin is what’s needed, not selecting boring guys for a mate. Just my humble opinion.

    Oh yeah, and to satisfy your curiosity – yes, I am enjoying being in one right now and it’s been anything but boring 🙂

    1. 46.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Fallacy #5, Stacy: “Men who aren’t corporate CEOs or Wall Streeters are ‘boring’.

  7. 47
    Linda

    Thank you so much Evan for your clear no nonsense approach to finding that special someone. I now understand   what my expectations should be and also   how women are often looking for a clone. My late husband was the complete opposite to me both  culturally and racially, yet we had a wonderful marriage where we certainly complimented one another. So I look forward to acting on your advice.
    many thanks Linda.  

  8. 48
    jack

    “Alpha” in the context of the sex/marriage marketplace is all about DEMAND.
      
    Wealthy, powerful, but physically unappealing CEO-type women are not alpha in that sense.
      
    If you are not in demand, you are not alpha.

  9. 49
    Goldie

    Maybe we should define boring. Something tells me that my “boring” and Stacy’s “boring”, just like my “fun” and Stacy’s “fun”, are worlds apart. (For example, my definition of a guy that’s fun to be with doesn’t include any mention of gifts. When I saw that word in #47, I confess it gave me pause.) In that case, sounds like she’s doing everything right… for herself.

  10. 50
    jack

    And like real estate, all alphaness is local.
    The guy who is a total alpha Wall Street type – let’s imagine him as wealthy, tall, connected, charming too.
      
    Now place him in a VFW in a small midwestern town. He might be perceived as a “city slicker” something of a dandy. Or put him on a ranch out west and the girls who work there might see him as good looking, but a total pu–y when it comes to macho cowboy activities. But the best cowboy on the ranch would be soundly ignored by the typical wealthy Manhattan socialite – he would be seen as a hick.
      
    To be truly alpha, you must have some dominance within your social circle – it is called social proof. There is no single scale for alphaness that allows us to rank one man or woman at the supreme top.
      
    Even among the most beautiful female movies stars, there is a preference for one look over another. For instance, I salivate for Jennifer Aniston, but think Angelina Jolie is unattractive. BUT – Angelina is female alpha because even though I do not want her, MILLIONS of men DO want her.
      
    If what you are and what you do makes you in demand by the opposite sex, then you have alpha elements. This is why everyone should do things they are good at and stay in environments where they flourish. It increases you apparent value to the opposite sex (unless you don’t care about attracting anyone).
      
      

  11. 51
    Ruby

    I don’t think it’s either: Be Bitchy or Be Sweet. When I read the book, “Why Men Love Bitches”, the author wasn’t really advocating acting mean and angry; she was advocating standing your ground and not being a pushover. Don’t jump through hoops to get the guy, and when something bothers you, don’t throw a tantrum, but stand your ground nicely, but firmly.

  12. 52
    Helen

    We should clear a fallacy here. “Boring” is not the opposite of “dramatic.”   There is every possible variation of “interesting” in between. My colleagues who are the biggest drama queens (both male and female) are actually the most boring, because they’re constantly focused on themselves and not interested in anything else. Likewise, those who aren’t dramatic but are brilliant and interested in other things are the most delightful company.
      
    Money and status also do not make a person interesting, and lack thereof do not make a person boring. Evan, though you didn’t state it outright in your blogpost, I think one of your points was that an alpha female can afford to marry a man with lower income. She should indeed open her mind to such men, because they’ll be the ones who are fine with her working long hours and will look after the kids, make meals, etc.
      
    Stacy, I wonder if some of your reactions and beliefs that dramatic relationships are good ones come out of not having found that calm, humble, sweet guy yet who quietly loves you for who you are, drama and all. I really hope you do find him, and that may be the thing that turns all your ideas about the importance of money and status on their heads. Debating on a blog may not do it, though it may offer different perspectives.

  13. 53
    Stacy

    No Evan, these 2   occupations are not the only “non-boring”. All men who are instrinsically risk-takers are not boring. They could be doctors without borders, wall street traders, military officers, fire fighters or professional explorers. It’s just that  i personally don’t run into a hell lot of firefighters in my regular every day life, but I did date a DEA agent once 🙂 And, I hope that this point is not missed – this only applies to ME. I am sure some women find accountants exciting 🙂

  14. 54
    Sherell

    #26 Nathan So true!!!! ”  
    I have always found the alpha/beta distinctions simplistic. Seems to me that most of us fall along a continuum, displaying different sets of behaviors and traits at different times or in different situations. Those who actually manifest the extremes on either end of alpha/beta are probably the most challenging to be partners with.”

    I would add that I have always wanted a complement and that can be challenging as well.   For me it was a complement in a few specific areas.   Not a laundry list!!!    That being said I glad to find him 🙂
      

  15. 55
    Sherell

    Heather Men tolerate Bitches because of their confidence and challenge.   Often the choice is between a bitch and a needy woman and the bitch will win ever time!!

      I consider myself a bitch of the east, so to speak like the Wizard of Oz.   I am not mean, but confident, full of feminine traits, sweet,   not needy in the least.   And i let guys come to me.

    Generally when I hear the nice girl   versus bitch argument the aka nice girl is needy, chasing the guy down, always available,   and acts as if the guy is a priority as opposed to an option from day one. She appears an easy win.   Her value decrease because the guy believes that it did take much to win her over.   

  16. 56
    nathan

    Sounds like Stacy is into men who either risk their lives or risk other people’s money – interesting.
      
    The risk/predictable or safe dichotomy is also simplistic in my view. First off, there are many kinds of risk. Some risk is more dramatic than others, but I think it’s entirely possible for someone who regularly takes dramatic risks (like climbing mountains or gambling large sums of money on stocks) to be entirely predictable and/or safe in the rest of their lives. Or, maybe more accurately, they create the conditions for things around them to be a cushion for their risky behaviors. So, you get the wall street guy who pushes millions of dollars around by day, and then is surrounded by people who care-take for him in various forms by night.
      
    And I’d guess that the a fair percentage of these folks are pretty risk-adversive when it comes to emotional vulnerability, commitment, and other key relationship elements. They line themselves up with romantic partners who won’t really challenge them much, or who offer a lot of drama and challenge, but aren’t concerned about long term commitment.
      
    The other thing about those who are high on the dramatic risk taking scale in terms of career is that they tend to live short lives. Or spend their older years in failing health, due to ignoring it all along in order to get ahead. So, maybe you find the high powered CEO or world explorer who never inspires boredom and is even somewhat emotionally open, but the guy (or woman) has heart disease by age 50, stroke and heart attacks before age 60, and perhaps is dead before 65. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it’s more common than people think.
      
      
      

  17. 57
    Sharon

    Has anyone seen Bridezillas? I’m amazed anyone would be willing tolerate the women on the show. An alpha guy isn’t going to suddenly cave because you’re awful to him but there are men with a masochistic streak putting a ring on it.

    I could wake up tomorrow and choose to be unreasonable and demanding and find some guy willing to lick my shoes. But that sort of one way relationship is boring to me. I don’t want to be submissive to some jerk but to me a healthy relationship should have a subtle tug of war that keeps it dynamic and interesting.  

  18. 58
    Teresa

    Just because one is nice doesn’t necessarily mean they are also  desperate and needy.   Do men like women who play hard to get?
    It just seems that bitchiness and confidence seem to go hand and hand a lot of the times in women.

  19. 59
    Saint Stephen

    Sherell Said (#64)
    Generally when I hear the nice girl   versus bitch argument the aka nice girl is needy, chasing the guy down, always available,   and acts as if the guy is a priority as opposed to an option from day one. She appears an easy win.   Her value decrease because the guy believes that it did take much to win her over.
    Sherell- being nice/needy versus bitchy is a relative trait.
    A bitchy girl would turn nice and needy if she falls head over heels with a guy who swept her off her feet.
    And a nice/needy girl could turn bitchy if she is less interested in the guy.    

  20. 60
    jack

    Once again…
      
    Alphas are like really high-paying jobs. There are not enough of them for all the people who want one.
      
    Hold out if you wish.

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