I Think All Men Are Players. Why Can’t I Find a Boyfriend?

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I am tall, blonde, 36, and curvy.   I also have a unique problem. I was raised by a “player type” father, and I am unfortunately too comfortable with their games.   As a result, I blow men off very quickly when I see the signs of being a ‘player’.  If they dont call me when they say they will, I just move on and delete their number.  When they do call and I don’t recognize the number, they get upset. If they ask me out for Sunday and dont call to confirm, I assume we are not going. When I do talk to them, they ask why I didn’t call and get upset. I know if I sleep with them on the first date, they will not call me ever, so I don’t chase them, even if we have a great two days of conversation and sex.   I do sometimes wonder if I should though.   If I know I am going to sleep with the guy, I will tell them up front that I want  sex because I know we wont see each other again. They try to woo me over and say I am wrong and I just say ‘who cares’.  I sometimes think I am already assuming it is over before it begins because I know “he isnt that into me”.

How do I know if they are into me since I now think like men?   I feel like they have to basically kiss my ass until I become fully aware, because now I feel as though I am somehow rejecting them before they have a chance.   Is that okay or am I just being smart?   Hard to ask my friends because they’re needy and I’m not.   I do not call unless they call, chase or bug unless I want sex. In person ‘I live in the moment,’ knowing full well men do too.   I even listen to the ‘I want a family speech’ and smile and playfully change the subject since I know it is meaningless. They even give me the speech that they are not ready for a commitment and I know they are trying to protect me, but I find it odd because I didn’t do anything to warrant the conversation. I know if he is into you, he will act it and all these speeches mean nothing.   (You can tell all your female clients that these guys call me for years as friends because I don’t chase them, BTW).   

I am just bothered because I am not dating them, and I want to date and have a good time and eventually find a good partner. I think I am pretty hot and fun so I am not too worried. Most younger men chase me, men my age are threatened and older men just don’t have the energy, but yes, chase hard. They all tell me ‘I am too cool’ and I don’t say that with pride BTW.   

So, Evan, am I being too cool or really playing smart?   How do I get to the dating part or is this normal by weeding out so quickly?   And why do they all, I mean all, come back to me after I blow them off?   

Thanks for your time!

Tray

Dear Tray,

The bright spot is that your understanding of men will make you great in a relationship. But in order to get into a relationship, you have to work backwards to find out what’s not working for you.

Here’s what’s not working for you:

You think that because you understand male behavior, you should be the woman men want to date.

It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!!

Not quite.

You’re trying to be ‘smart’ by cutting off men at the first hint of games. But they’re not even PLAYING games. They’re calling you, wondering what they did wrong, trying hard to win your favor, but to no avail. By looking for any sign that a guy’s going to hurt you, and turning it into a reason to freeze him out, you ultimately leave yourself alone and use your ‘coolness’ as the excuse. It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!!…

You live in a world where men are the enemies. But your heightened defenses are actually what’s killing you. By never showing any hints of vulnerability, you may prove to all the men who ‘come back for more’ that you’re the coolest chick around, but you’re not getting anyone to fall in love with you. You just become their guy friend. Which is where being ‘too cool’ flips over on you, Tray.

My wife is cool; she lets me be myself, hang out with guys, write about sex, talk about ex’s. But she’s not ‘too’ cool. She’s got a lot invested in me. She lets me know when she’s upset. If she acted like: ‘The dating coach is probably gonna cheat on me because most men cheat on women,’ I wouldn’t feel particularly good about her. Her trust is what inspires me to honor her.

In trying to beat men at their own game, it seems you’re only defeating yourself. You can call up a guy for sex so you can use him ‘like a guy’, but how does that make you feel? How does that further your goal of having a relationship? It doesn’t. Nor does assuming that every misstep is a ‘game’. Just cause a guy doesn’t call or confirm on time doesn’t mean he’s never to be trusted.

Just because five straight guys cheated on you doesn’t mean the sixth will as well. Each new guy has NO relationship to the last guy whatsoever.

This doesn’t mean that some guys AREN’T a load of shit. He’s Just Not That Into You tapped into the zeitgeist for a reason. If he doesn’t call, sleep with you, commit to you, propose to you, etc, he’s just not that into you. But that doesn’t mean that if a guy doesn’t follow up on a date the way YOU want him to, that he’s a liar who’s just out for one thing. It may mean he forgot, ran late, or had to take his ailing mother to the hospital. That’s life. Until you’re more forgiving, you’re going to be missing out on a relationship.

Just because five straight guys cheated on you doesn’t mean the sixth will as well. Each new guy has NO relationship to the last guy whatsoever. Yes, men can be men, but that doesn’t mean that EVERY man is that way. By assuming each man is a player, you never let anyone in and you never experience love.

The reason I wrote Why He Disappeared is because while you may know that He’s Just Not That Into You, it’s far more important to know WHY He’s Just Not That Into You.

From what I can tell, Tray, the reason you’re single is quite simple: you don’t believe a guy can sincerely love you. And unless you believe it’s possible, no man is gonna believe it either.

Click below to learn how a simple shift in attitude can foster true understanding of men, and manifest the relationship of your dreams.

www.evanmarckatz.com/products/why-he-disappeared.html

Much love,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 41
    Karl R

    Foxx said: (#39)
    “He just doesnt get it does he.”

    There is a problem (and you recognize that), but you don’t seem to understand what the problem is.

    There are 4 or 5 different ways people show that they care: verbally, time & attention, physical affection, giving gifts, and possibly one other (I forget). While all of these are important, each person has their own opinion about which is most important. It’s a personal thing. For me, physical affection is most important. I show  how much I care  by hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. That is also the form that is easiest for me  to recognize. When my girlfriend snuggles up next to me during a movie, I know she cares.

    Your boyfriend expresses himself verbally. He wants you to know how much he loves you, so he tells you. And if you aren’t doing the same, he picks up on it immediately.

    You express yourself through time and attention. You love your boyfriend, so you want to spend lots of time with him and focus your attention on him. If he’s not spending time and attention on you every day, it feels like he doesn’t care.

    This is effortless when two partners share the same preference. When I have an overwhelming need to let my girlfriend know how much I love her, I’ll walk over and give her a big hug and kiss. Since her preference is also for physical affection, she gets the message clearly.

    When your boyfriend has an overwhelming need to let you know that he loves you, he tells you. Since you want time & attention, his words don’t mean very much to you.

    Similarly, when you have that overwhelming urge, you try to spend time and attention on your boyfriend. While he probably thinks that’s nice, it’s not as meaningful as when you tell him that you love him.

    Foxx said: (#39)
    “What do I do?”

    Stop trying to pull away, withhold affection, or  “un-love” him. He loves you, and he  is trying to be completely loving toward you. He’s not playing games. You have been.

    Explain to him what I just explained to you. In order to overcome this issue, you both need to understand it.

    And you both will need to work to accommodate each other. He instinctively shows that he cares by telling you. In addition, he needs to consciously and deliberately spend time and focus attention on you. (It will have to be conscious and deliberate, because he is incapable of spending enough time and attention instinctively).

    You don’t get off the hook either. In addition to spending time and attention on him, you will also need to consciously and  deliberately tell him that you love him and how much he means to you. You will need to do so frequently and extravagantly (and that might seem ridiculous to you, because you’re also incapable of saying you care often enough and extravagantly enough instinctively).

    And this is extremely difficult because it  requires persistent effort by both of you. It’s really easy for one person to slack off. If he spends lots of time and attention on you, you feel like he loves you. And if you’re spending lots of time and attention on him, it feels like you’re reciprocating sufficiently … well … it feels that way to you. But unless you keep telling him how much you love him, you won’t be reciprocating equally.

    It’s a hard problem to overcome, and it’s deceptively easy to backslide. If you two can’t accomplish this, you have only one other option: break up.

  2. 42
    Foxx

    @ #41 Yes we have agreed on exclusivity and he is actually extremely jealous so neither one is allowed to keep our options open. We have been talking about marriage so I feel like its wrong for me to go out and see other people. I’m currently living on the promises that things will change soon as he gets some things done with his business. But also there is the fear of what IF he gets used to me dealing with him this way and things dont change.

    @ #42 Thanks for seeing that he relly does love me. I have never doubted that he didn’t. The understanding how to accomodate each other is an ongoing process. Maybe I want it to change right away and I’m beating myself up about it because of the inconsistency. My parents are the sme way and have been married for over 32 yrs. Mom is affectionate and loves attention but dad communicates through telling her but not showing it everyday like she wants it. I see through it all and knows that he loves her even though he has never lived up to all her expectations.
    Me and my boyfriend have talked about it and he told me “I know you want attention, Im gonna give it to you that you will get tired of me, just have patience with me and get things done and you will not regret” Those are his exact words. So I can wait for things to get better but fear it may not but Im just trying to trust him that things will get better. Also keep in mind, I met him when not as an established relaxed business man. I met him when he is currently at his lowest finance wise. He is a manly man that wants to do so much for me that he is out making that money. I just want him to realize i am not materialistic and i need my emotions being taken care of than the shopping sprees and what not. Also want to add that when we are together, I dont feel this way. All attention is on me. But I need it more when we are apart and thats wht he is incapble of doing for me now. So I’m waiting but don’t wanna wait in vail. Thanks for your comments.

  3. 43
    Denise

    #43

    is actually extremely jealous

    Yikes, for ME, that would be a   big red flag.

    agreed on exclusivity

    Then right,   you can’t actually date other men.   You can talk with other men and interact according to how comfortable you are, but you’re in an exclusive relationship which you agreed to.   He says he’s not seeing any women while he’s traveling on business, you have to trust that’s the case.

    How long has this ‘relationship’ been going on?   How many times have you actually been in the physical presence of each other?   How much does he call/connect with  you?    You said what he says in regard to ‘loving’ you, what  does he DO to show you he loves you?   What actions does he take?
      

  4. 44
    Foxx

    The relationship has only been 5 mths. We started exactly Aug 1st.
    Before he left for overses in Novemer, we flew bck and forth every two weeks. Of which he spent 2 wks with me before. I normally stay from Thursday until Monday.
    I call him more than he does. And have long conversation depending on how busy he is. When I first had the communication convo with him, he called me everydy then it stopped. Considering he is overseas, I have made more calls than he has. He comes back next week.
    To show how he loves me, first he says it all the time, tell all his friends how wonderful I am, im the second girl he has introduced to his mom according to her and he is a mama’s boy, when i’m at his place, he cooks for me, we dine out and love the movies, he loves to have bedroom chat before we go to sleep which seldom consist of how how relationship is going and what we think of how future so far which of course communication issues surfaces ut he reminds me that he is trying. He never lets me carry anything heavy, he picks up my luggages and haul it for me, He hates that he cannot spend as much as he has spent on past flings on me becuase he is currently low on funds than normal. He is not ashamed to brag about me to everyone around. he calls to talk to my parents sometimes, he advices me and listens attentively when Im telling him about my day to day issues at the job and passionately hates anyone messing with me but gives me good advice….Wow this was therapeutical for me listing all these things. I never even knew he does this much. Ive been so fixated on negatives not realizing all these positives. hmm
    What action does he take? He is the first person that stops everything he is doing when I call him and tell him Im feeling some type of way. He is quick to say” Do you want to talk about it” That really makes me feel comfortable saying anything to him. Honestly this love had made me act somewhat crazy with some of my questioning and in the past men have left me alone with me acting like that but he totally understands and gets me.

  5. 45
    KimO

    Reading all the comments I can’t help but note the anger in some of them.   Its a little off-putting but bottom line, if everyone was nicer and more honest to and with each other, there wouldn’t be animosity in an arena where we all want the same thing. To connect in a disconnected world.
    To Tray, you scare me, sorry but you do. I’m a woman who is often more “man-like” because I work and support a family among other characteristics and needs that put women in a place that often doesn’t have much room for femininity. However, being abrasive never has a place anywhere. None of us are mind-readers and maybe letting ‘the other’ make the decision rather than you making the decision for both of you would open a few more doors. You are being chased because you are playing hard to get. Shoe would be on the other foot certainly if you chased them.   Being “cool” can be closer to cold than “kewl”. but being kewl can be a smoke screen. Just be you. don’t judge men on how your father behaved, unless you are looking for a father.

    I like to think all men are different, just as all women are different. We’ve all had bumps and bruises if we’ve lived outside of our homes. (with no disrespect to people who have been abused, but this is not the venue for that.) when we lighten up on ourselves, we can take ourselves more lightly and are more approachable.    Male or female bashing  is too often the norm but is really only that person’s opinion, which doesn’t make it correct.

    I am single and have been. I don’t date much at all, but human nature calls me to be me, be honest and stay open to outcome. Sure I’ve made some decisions that didn’t pan out. I’ve run back to my cave to lick my wounds, then venture forth and try to not make the same mistake rather than repeating it.   Big question:   What do we honestly want? Freedom from relationships or connection….to be advocates in our own lives or victims.   We get to make that decision.

  6. 46
    starthrower68

    KimO, I agree with you that the anger is off-putting and I’ve had to work on this myself.   All we can do is behave with integrity and if the other person can’t LEAVE HIM.   There’s no need for victimhood, though I admit if you really come to care for someone, you can get hurt.   I would submit that where the anger comes from is staying in a situation that is not good for us rather than just getting out of it and moving on.

  7. 47
    Kate Candy

    ReeseKb (#31)

    I’m very sorry that you have to go through prenatal alone.   I am sorry that your guy misled you.   Although you want to think he’s a jerk, it really really could be that he wanted to have a baby, but when you got pregnant, he freaked.   This happens.   You have a right to be angry and hurt, but don’t let this color your view of men.   As someone mentioned here, four men could be players and the fifth a good guy.   In my experience, things are never as cut and dried as one guys a player and the other guy isn’t.   Keep the lines of communication open with your baby’s dad.   Perhaps you can send him a neutral e-mail telling him that the door is open if he wants information about your pregnancy’s progress.   Although this man might not be a future partner, he is your child’s father and, however hard it is, maybe having some sort of connection is better in the long run?   But, again, I’m sorry for your loss.

  8. 48
    Ray

    I’d say I’m somewhere in between Cilla and Tray.   My dad was never a ‘player’, but I work in an all male field and know their junk pretty well.

    I’ve eliminated men from further consideration like Tray has if they appear to be dating for ‘sport’.   I also don’t believe that men really know what they want either… and  the blah blah blah that goes on in early conversations is just that.   I know  what to look for to see if they can back up  their words with actions.

    I do have a sense of humor about this, like Cilla, but what I  DON’T do is waste my time with men who are seeing other women at any level.    All that tells a guy is you are ok with them sleeping around and you will be there when he gets done ‘playing’… Sorry, get done playing first… then see me.   I don’t have time for that immature BS.

    If a guy is into you, and is not a commitment phobe or player,  he will  looking for opportunities to get to know you better ASAP.   I  personally don’t need to be dating lots of other men to maintain my detachment.   I have a life that I enjoy.   If, on any given day, I’d rather  take a guitar lesson than spend it with that guy, that’s what I do.    And yea, I cherish my male friends.   They are true friends.   Human beings… who have given me alot of insight into the male mind and heart.               

  9. 49
    Michael

    @ Tray:

    No matter how much you think that you think like a man, you’ll never measure up. Be a woman. Think like a woman. You’ll attract more men that way.

    And, if you agree to meet a man, but he doesn’t confirm the day of, and you decide, “Oh well, we’re not on I guess”, and no-show him, then the man is well within his rights to dismiss you as a flake. I personally NEVER confirm the day of.   If you  agree to  meet up with me  at ____ at ____ pm, I expect you to be there. If I get there and you don’t show up, then I’m gonna play you–expect to receive a text from me on the  following day  , apologizing for my missing the date.

  10. 50
    Michele

    Thanks for this one- very useful!   It’s the first time I’ve heard of the ‘I want a family’ speech. Is that some mechanism guys use to get women into bed?

  11. 51
    larry G

    When i was reading Tray’s story i was looking for a case of beer to assist me in reading her story .  Seriously she is an over thinker – extremely  insecure  –  and someone who is a P.I.T.A.

    What normal caring man would want to put up with this drama queen.   

    She does not see this / blinders

    She needs a complete overhaul – more than a tune up , to get her head  straighten  out. Understand yourself now.  

    If she works at it their is hope.

    The best to Tray.  

  12. 52
    Miffy

    I knew I was onto a keeper when I met a guy who just told the truth, eg, “I may not ever want to get married, and I may or may not want children, it’s something that can change with time.” Lucky for me I don’t want either of those things and I told him and he was great about it. I guess being upfront and honest about exactly what you want from the start is great. I’ve heard the whole ‘I want a family and marriage,’ from so many guys who definitely don’t mean it, they just tell you what you want to hear, so when someone takes a risk and tells you the truth about what they want, it’s actually rather nice and you know you’re onto a good thing.

  13. 53
    Paragon

    I think its pretty obvious that the letter writer has become maladapted to *anything* other than casual sex over the years, from too much time spent in the FWB zone.

    Which can only happen if she’s *overestimating* her value(ie her attractiveness) with respect to the men she considers mate worthy.

    What many women fail to understand(or reconcile), is that the attractive men they desire are already a scarce resource
    courtesy of female selectivity(ie. because women are so picky, there simply isn’t enough attractive men to satisfy demands for exclusivity, except for all but the most attractive women).

    And since this is exacerbated by the fact that males *lower* their standards for casual sex(which women do *not* do), many women are under the false impression that they can justify a long term investment from any man they can attract for casual sex.

    So, it’s a pretty safe bet that if a woman is never progressing beyond hook-ups with attractive men, they’re probably setting the bar a little too high.

    Obviously, people are going to have limited control over the traits they find sexually attractive(or repulsive), and there’s
    nothing pathological with desiring the best.

    But, there is something very wrong with indulging unjustified expectations(which, to the letter writer’s credit, is not what she is doing).

    Ultimately, this is a problem that has only two likely solutions – either learn to ‘settle'(lower your standards and consider
    males who are more likely to stick around, because they know they can’t do any better), or learn to reconcile the FWB zone(which sounds she is close to accomplishing).

  14. 54
    Anna

    I guess you have learnt from Dad what players are like and what games are like.
    You are scared of being hurt like me and blocking them out.
    I guess by blocking them out and cutting off early you are cutting every guy out and Evan is right not all guys are players. Maybe you have attracted player types as you were used to it and seen it with dad.
    Counseling would be good.
    None of us want to get hurt but its about the balance of giving guys a chance and then making a decision about them later. We need t give them some room to lay out their cards and take for face value what they are saying. After a while or soon enough if they are playing games it will come out and whether you want to play or leave will be obvious.
    If you are angry at men that is another reason.

  15. 55
    Lovable

    I had a so called player playing around with me the whole spring.My heart was closed , He did not reach into my heart.He often said I had to “open up ” but I did not get what he meant.I just kept on joking,being funny,being friendly,always come when he asked me too.Until one evening we were watching a movie and I just sat there,in his living room,serious,quiet,said a few words from my heart.I felt stupid,I felt like a looser.And then,next day,he came with his arms out trying to hug me and called me “my love”.I did not understand ANything!!!But somewhere I understanded deep inside that this doing nothing had showed myself,my true self,to him.Well,he was not my man anyway,I rejected him,and two weeks later he met his girlfriend,I did some stupid things and I got my lifes biggest lesson in love so far.And then another man showed up,a great good man who had tried to reach me a year ago when I rejected him…I realized he is the man I truly want,the player was not a player but he was the opposite of what I really want,a man with more feminine energies,I saw the picture;I have always been the guy in my relatinships,doing things,being intellectual and acting too much.And never let love in only men who wants me to serve them,like he wanted.I call them players but deep inside I never really wanted them and they disappeared,of course.Men are not stupid,they disappear when they dont get what they want EVEN if that is something you dont even wAnt to give them!I love men,but I let the men come to me whovweren’t the men I need so that they could break my heart!Clever!

  16. 56
    Lovable

    Hi.I read your latest email and I want to answer it here.
    I think you are right.You dont want to talk about marriage and children and other serious stuff on you first date.But you want to have some kind of clue that this is a type of man you are looking for.But maybe you know it.Or not.You can actually ask other type of questions to get to know about him.And normally you hear pretty quickly if he has children,is divorced,have lot of friends etc,and you can get a clue of what type of man he is.
    And maybe you know it ,because you heard about it from someone.
    But there is another reason I really do not want to hear all about his future wishes.Theyre only wishes!You can have plans for the future and imagine what you want,but how the hell do you know?
    Like me,for example.How did I know when I was 20 that when I was 38 I was going to struggle a lot.I be a lonely mother after meeting this guy who broke me down,my mother became a very hard woman to deal with and her husband has a very bad temper,I could not ever get satisfied with the education i chose,with the work I had after that,with the town I lived in,the next town too.My child was a very energic one who made me a tired lonely mom.I had no strength,no self confidence,no home ver who made me happy.
    If you look at me I am a smart,artistic,beautiful woman and noone ever thought I eould have anything but succes in my life.I thought Id have at least four children,live in a great house by the sea and eork exactly with what i love most.So where is the point?i dont feel sorry for myself.But if I go on a first date today and meet a man in my situation,maybe I ll understand him!Maybe I know that you can be good anyway,if you meet the right person.And if he tells me he wants to get married and have more children,I would not think oh then he is my man.Because how can I know.Maybe I cant have more children.Maybe I dont want to get married again because we both did without success.Maybe I am emotionally avaliable to him even if I was afraid of most of the guys I met before.(I actually know because I know a guy I really feel connected to and he is the only man I ever met that i am totally not afraid of)He has been very kind to me many times and showed what a great man he is,but I let him go because I wasnt ready for him.He was too good for me I somehow thought then.Or I did not think at all.But if he came back today,when I have been working with myself for one year forgiving my past,highten my selfesteem a lot and am satisfied with my work etc,I would be with open arms,saying yes to him.One year ago I seriously thought my life was over and I did these CRAZY choices I cannot dream of doing to day.All the time!If I look at me then today,I was a crazy woman noone would ever choose.And today I think I am worthy of that good man!
    Do you get my point?The future can never be assured.On a first date,or maybe second,I want to have some kind of clue about if this guy is good at heart.But even that is impossible to know before there is some kind of challenge.
    Yes,on a first date,I only want to be there and have some great time.And hopefully a good laugh,too.
    The future?Depends much on our choices,and they got to be good ones

  17. 57
    antipodes

    Tray – the reason you aren’t finding a guy who doesn’t light up your bs meter is because the guys you have met are all full of bs. This is par for the course. Most guys (people) are full of bs. The reason other people get into relationships anyway is that they let their dreamy delusions carry their brains off somewhere so they can enjoy the feeling of what it might be like to be in a ‘real’ relationship. Rest assured, they will break up, cry about it, end up in child support court, move on to the next. Is this what you want? If not, keep using that trusty gut that has served you well.

    People will tell you that you need to be like this or that or the other to find love and be in a loving relationship. Some of it is true but is predicated on the idea that the person you are with is ALSO interested in said love/relationship and not in a temporary/superficial type way. If/when they are not, all this “letting down walls” etc is entirely misplaced, not useful, and not smart. How do you tell if you’ve found an appropriate person? The same way you’ve been doing so far. Your unfortunate experience with your father has actually left you with some very good smarts that it will take others decades to attain. Don’t drop them just because some other person told you you need to be different (ie stupid like them, or more available for manipulation).

    You are right, if a guy is truly into you, he WILL call when he says he will, WILL confirm dates, WILL show it in actions more than in words. The same as you would do for a guy that you are truly into. That’s how it works. So keep looking for that. Sorry to say, though, don’t hold your breath. Like I said, most (people) are full of bs and just looking for the next thing to boost their fragile ego. Somebody “open” with their “walls down” is much more easily used for that than somebody looking for evidence of a real relationship, or someone who sees them as and will treat them as a real person.

    1. 57.1
      blackcatmagic

      antipodes, you show a great deal of wisdom. Many people are manipulative users and will say anything to get what they want from you. I have found being open, vulnerable, and trusting a man’s words to be dangerous. EMK says that men don’t have to lie to get sex – maybe so, but to get a high quality woman to sleep with them or give them money, men will lie all day long.

      Case in point: the last man who asked me to marry him turned out to be married already. I thought he was the love of my life, but this man lied about his marital status and his finances. He kept pressuring me to let him move in with me, since we were “getting married soon”. Something did not feel right and further investigation turned up the fact he was married and had declared bankruptcy twice.

      I believe this man was looking for free room and board, access to bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Needless to say, my walls are firmly up and I doubt that I will ever believe another man who says he loves me or says he wants to marry me.

  18. 58
    Mickey

    Men are dogs.

    Men are players.

    Men are only after one thing.

    Why can’t I get one?      

    Really??? She’s got to be kidding!!!      
          
          

  19. 59
    Blueberrie

    hmm I actually tend to agree with Tray here.   I do a lot of the same stuff as her although I have softened a little in the last year or so.  

    I have been TOTALLY burned by players on an emotional level but I guard the rest of myself (finances, body, friends and family) like crazy.      

    What’s helped me most is figuring out what my boundaries are, thinking before I act and at least giving the guy a shot.   Mostly I’ve ended up with a lot of friends lol!   which is great actually, I know who to call when  I need advice on something or help with something.   And I must say a lot of those guys have a lot of  respect for me, treat me very well NOW that we are friends.   a couple of them even proposed.   so I think it’s more about relating to a guy as another human  being, seeing that ok maybe he’s a dog, maybe just trying to get into your pants… try and  relate to him like another human with feelings rather than letting him see you as a sex pot or thinking that he sees you as that… play his little game but also  tease him about  it.    

    I am currently trying to get a guy into an exclusive arrangement but I’ve left the door open for him to walk away as well… he’s half in and half out.   but I put my cards on the table and I know that he respects me and cares about me and so I know there’s a part of him that wishes he could just get away with just having sex but another part that  might want a lot more.   I’m just giving him the breathing room to decide this… meanwhile, I have probably 10 other guys chasing me down lol so I’m not freaking out over whether he’s into  it or not.   I would like it, I hope he wants it too but there are tons of  other guys out there if he says no and most likely i’ll  always have him as a friend, a guy i can call day or night if i ever need help, advice, etc etc.     i would love to believe that it’s all a about fairytales and happily ever after but really that’s just not reality and i  just pray i  make wise decisions in the men I chose to get involved with.   that’s the  most I hope for.

  20. 60
    Rochelle

    re: Kris 8’s post
      
    For me, it depends on how “firm” the original plan was. If a man and I decide on a day to get together for   something and he says the day “sounds good”, yet no time/place is set in that conversation or during a later one, I assume it isn’t on anymore, unless I hear from him again.      I   stopped following up with guys like that to see if it’s still a go when   it was his idea. Because doing in that, they may say yes in some occasions, cancel, not respond, or take a really long time to get back to me.   Then it will make me wonder if they are really interested.
    The better way is to see if I hear from him. When I do nothing with some of these guys who didn’t set a time, the   day comes to pass and I never hear from him again. This has happened a few times, where a guy and I will agree on a day but then no time was ever chosen. (Or they try to call at the last minute)   

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