I Think All Men Are Players. Why Can’t I Find a Boyfriend?

I am tall, blonde, 36, and curvy.  I also have a unique problem. I was raised by a “player type” father, and I am unfortunately too comfortable with their games.  As a result, I blow men off very quickly when I see the signs of being a ‘player’. If they dont call me when they say they will, I just move on and delete their number. When they do call and I don’t recognize the number, they get upset. If they ask me out for Sunday and dont call to confirm, I assume we are not going. When I do talk to them, they ask why I didn’t call and get upset. I know if I sleep with them on the first date, they will not call me ever, so I don’t chase them, even if we have a great two days of conversation and sex.  I do sometimes wonder if I should though.  If I know I am going to sleep with the guy, I will tell them up front that I want sex because I know we wont see each other again. They try to woo me over and say I am wrong and I just say ‘who cares’. I sometimes think I am already assuming it is over before it begins because I know “he isnt that into me”.

How do I know if they are into me since I now think like men?  I feel like they have to basically kiss my ass until I become fully aware, because now I feel as though I am somehow rejecting them before they have a chance.  Is that okay or am I just being smart?  Hard to ask my friends because they’re needy and I’m not.  I do not call unless they call, chase or bug unless I want sex. In person ‘I live in the moment,’ knowing full well men do too.  I even listen to the ‘I want a family speech’ and smile and playfully change the subject since I know it is meaningless. They even give me the speech that they are not ready for a commitment and I know they are trying to protect me, but I find it odd because I didn’t do anything to warrant the conversation. I know if he is into you, he will act it and all these speeches mean nothing.  (You can tell all your female clients that these guys call me for years as friends because I don’t chase them, BTW).  

I am just bothered because I am not dating them, and I want to date and have a good time and eventually find a good partner. I think I am pretty hot and fun so I am not too worried. Most younger men chase me, men my age are threatened and older men just don’t have the energy, but yes, chase hard. They all tell me ‘I am too cool’ and I don’t say that with pride BTW.  

So, Evan, am I being too cool or really playing smart?  How do I get to the dating part or is this normal by weeding out so quickly?  And why do they all, I mean all, come back to me after I blow them off?  

Thanks for your time!


Dear Tray,

The bright spot is that your understanding of men will make you great in a relationship. But in order to get into a relationship, you have to work backwards to find out what’s not working for you.

Here’s what’s not working for you:

You think that because you understand male behavior, you should be the woman men want to date.

It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!!

Not quite.

You’re trying to be ‘smart’ by cutting off men at the first hint of games. But they’re not even PLAYING games. They’re calling you, wondering what they did wrong, trying hard to win your favor, but to no avail. By looking for any sign that a guy’s going to hurt you, and turning it into a reason to freeze him out, you ultimately leave yourself alone and use your ‘coolness’ as the excuse. It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!!…

You live in a world where men are the enemies. But your heightened defenses are actually what’s killing you. By never showing any hints of vulnerability, you may prove to all the men who ‘come back for more’ that you’re the coolest chick around, but you’re not getting anyone to fall in love with you. You just become their guy friend. Which is where being ‘too cool’ flips over on you, Tray.

My wife is cool; she lets me be myself, hang out with guys, write about sex, talk about ex’s. But she’s not ‘too’ cool. She’s got a lot invested in me. She lets me know when she’s upset. If she acted like: ‘The dating coach is probably gonna cheat on me because most men cheat on women,’ I wouldn’t feel particularly good about her. Her trust is what inspires me to honor her.

In trying to beat men at their own game, it seems you’re only defeating yourself. You can call up a guy for sex so you can use him ‘like a guy’, but how does that make you feel? How does that further your goal of having a relationship? It doesn’t. Nor does assuming that every misstep is a ‘game’. Just cause a guy doesn’t call or confirm on time doesn’t mean he’s never to be trusted.

Just because five straight guys cheated on you doesn’t mean the sixth will as well. Each new guy has NO relationship to the last guy whatsoever.

This doesn’t mean that some guys AREN’T a load of shit. He’s Just Not That Into You tapped into the zeitgeist for a reason. If he doesn’t call, sleep with you, commit to you, propose to you, etc, he’s just not that into you. But that doesn’t mean that if a guy doesn’t follow up on a date the way YOU want him to, that he’s a liar who’s just out for one thing. It may mean he forgot, ran late, or had to take his ailing mother to the hospital. That’s life. Until you’re more forgiving, you’re going to be missing out on a relationship.

Just because five straight guys cheated on you doesn’t mean the sixth will as well. Each new guy has NO relationship to the last guy whatsoever. Yes, men can be men, but that doesn’t mean that EVERY man is that way. By assuming each man is a player, you never let anyone in and you never experience love.

The reason I wrote Why He Disappeared is because while you may know that He’s Just Not That Into You, it’s far more important to know WHY He’s Just Not That Into You.

From what I can tell, Tray, the reason you’re single is quite simple: you don’t believe a guy can sincerely love you. And unless you believe it’s possible, no man is gonna believe it either.

Click below to learn how a simple shift in attitude can foster true understanding of men, and manifest the relationship of your dreams.


Much love,


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  1. 61

    re: Kris 8’s post
    For me, it depends on how “firm” the original plan was. If a man and I decide on a day to get together for  something and he says the day “sounds good”, yet no time/place is set in that conversation or during a later one, I assume it isn’t on anymore, unless I hear from him again.    I  stopped following up with guys like that to see if it’s still a go when  it was his idea. Because doing in that, they may say yes in some occasions, cancel, not respond, or take a really long time to get back to me.  Then it will make me wonder if they are really interested.
    The better way is to see if I hear from him. When I do nothing with some of these guys who didn’t set a time, the  day comes to pass and I never hear from him again. This has happened a few times, where a guy and I will agree on a day but then no time was ever chosen. (Or they try to call at the last minute)  

  2. 62

    Tray, you go girl!  I don’t really see what your problem is.  You’re doing fine.  When you find one that doesn’t bore the hell out of you, you’ll let him stick around for a while.  Men bore you easily.  You’re not alone – they can be so predictable.  That alone is such a bore.  I won’t mention other things. Anyway, keep playing.  You’ll stop when you find one worth stopping for…even if it’s only for a bit.

  3. 63

    Tray, I admire you!!
    Someone once said: Ignorance is bliss. I’ve had the exact same problem and even wished that like so many girls out there I was oblivious to all that goes on because at least that way I could actually have something that lasts longer. When I read thru a guy’s bullshit right away and just move on and blow him off, it’s done. While some girls who just don’t get it stay and have long-term relationships because in their minds everything is fine. I am talking about women accepting when guys tell them they only want sex and women stick around anyways hoping for more. The same when a guy runs strategy on you while he has a girlfriend, and the expectation that you should still stick around. Guys saying they want to date lots of women but wanting to keep you at hand as a booty call. Guys cheating but thinking women will stick around anyways. All that BS that goes on that women put up, you know… Hats down to you Tray for smelling it right away.
    I’ve read lots of men game/strategy books and forums, I’ve had lots of skillful players as friends; from a very early age since my teens and in my early 20s I made sure I stay close to guys, figure out how they hunt, how they talk and how they play strategy, so that I learn and protect myself effectively. Sometimes I just wished I couldn’t figure it all out. I swear 90% of the women out there who are clueless have an easier time — you can’t get depressed by what you don’t know.

  4. 64

    Folks, I think what Tray means by “confirming a date” is not that they have set up a date (3pm Sat there and there) and she awaits a double confirmation or otherwise stands up the guy, but that the guy says “let’s go out for coffee on Saturday” and then doesn’t specify. Her point is: I won’t chase you if you won’t even put the effort into that.
    Judging from the rest of the comments, I think that most people suggesting psychological counseling are going too far because they simply aren’t a hot woman who had to deal with all kind of gaming.  To lots of people the situations she is describing don’t raise a red flag because they didn’t have to deal with that i.e. men testing to see how much they can get away with/if they can get you angry and see if you care.
    A lot of the advice seems to suggest: Tray, open up, you need to accept some BS at first and then see where things go. Her position is fair I think: she just doesn’t want to deal with you if you have dished out BS at first. She moves on. Nothing wrong with that.

  5. 65
    Jeannette Namkung

    Hi Tray,
    I too had a Dad who was a player.  I made me aware of “the signs”.  When we are focussed on rattng them out, we might miss the opportunity to get to know a good man.  As Carl Jung so wisely said:  “What you resist persists”.  Relax about it.  Wait and see.  Let them reveal themselves over time.  Trust your instinct, intuition and inspiration.  Having sex on the first date does not necessarily mean that it will exclude a long term committed relationship.  All case by case.  

  6. 66

    “men my age are threatened”
    Oi vey, the narcissim practically drips off this woman. She needs to read “Why Men Don’t Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women”. Men her age aren’t “threatened”, they’re bored of women like her.
    Let her continue on her merry way dating like an angry teenager, while real players play her anger, fear and insecurity into one night stands for their benefit, while she continues to tell herself it’s what she wanted all along. And the “beta guys” she blows off are actually better off looking elsewhere.
    Oh, and saying “36 and curvy”? We can all read through that BS as her trying to whitewash what she looks like. After all, what does how she looks have to do with anything, other than her ego justifying her attitude towards men?
    Oh, such a laughable character…Mickey said it best:
    Men are dogs.
    Men are players.
    Men are only after one thing.
    Why can’t I get one? 

  7. 67

    Most of the women nowadays are the biggest Players when it comes to dating men, and they’re the ones that can really hurt a man’s feelings especially if he is interested in her.

  8. 68

    what you forgot to tell Trey is most men will come back for meaninless no stings attached sex. Even bad sex. It’s like offering a kid candy, there is no big mystery there girlfriend. You don’t have some special pull, it’s called being easy. Sorry for being so frank, but it is what it is.
    Someone said  it’s hard to find a marriageable man. Blame lack of parenting in most cases, and then turn around and blame us women. How a father treats his wife/woman is showing a son how you should treat women in the future. And what mothers will put up with from her husband/man is telling her son that this is how women will let you treat them. Same holds true for daughters. Then most women allow men to bed them before marriage, allow disrespect, or forgive unacceptabe behavior ….  Even take care of men to the point where the male/ female roles become blurred. This makes men think that if these women do it, they all will.  No one can do any more to you than you let them. If we stop allowing the bad behavior and disrespecting ourselves, men well stop acting like useless sperm doners.

  9. 69

    Maybe she could try a lesbian relationship.  If she’s got those kind of problems dating men, she can’t open up to men, maybe she’d be better off trying being with a woman out.  I’m a guy recommending this BTW

  10. 70

    Im alot like you, My mother and father both grew up in the sixties and they both throughout my life have played one another, It makes it really hard for a guy when doesn’t follow the so called rules that other men before have set. so often at times women won’t give me a chance because of this, its not because im ugly or have a small you no what, on the contrary im very good looking and attractive but i send out signals to women that i have a small you know what by not having the jerky attitude that guys who pick up chicks often do, i have to admit i do look like that sort of guy, the player type but im not, a very big problem because i end up with lets just call them questionable women out of respect for my mother the kind of women who don’t care what kind of guy they sleep with, the problem is those type of women just aren’t right for me because im just not the sleep around sort of guy, Im the nice charming guy that women are always staring at and flirting with but i just can’t seam to get the girls like you to give me a chance, even though they like me they just won’t but there slutty friend will, so again thats who i end up with, like you i get upset when they don’t call me and rush in to fast but then when i don’t, they feel like i don’t care but thats not true because if i didn’t, i wouldn’t of slept with them in the first place, it sounds so crazy but it is really hard to figure them out, admittedly i jump right in the sack with them but im lonely and horny so its really hard to turn a chick down when they want it, they will get it,if i make them wait they end up tearing my clothes off, which is good in the heat of the moment, the biggest problem is getting them to see me, i mean the real me, they seam to look right past who i really am and make up this guy im not and when they find out im not the guy they think i am it really devastates them, then i’ve inadvertently created a woman who loathes me for no good reason, then i move to the next hoping that shes the one who will see me, i understand where your coming from even though our problems are on different sides of the field, i think what you need to find is a man who is patient and understanding first, then be intimate with him and tell him how you feel about certain things, explain to him how your mind works and if hes right for you, he will understand, you just need a man thats going to see the real you and not run from it and stop dating the type of guys your dating because they will never make you happy

  11. 71

    If there is a problem with the phone, then the heck with the phone just go on over to his house and leave the phone out of the equation, he might be doing something he shouldn’t be doing over there and then again he might not, stop letting the phone call thing get in the way, i love it when chicks chase me

  12. 72

    The very sad thing is that many of these women are such losers in the first place since they like to play games with many of us good men really looking for a relationship since many of us are certainly nothing like them at all which most of us don’t play games. Women just don’t like good men anymore these days and are always going for the bad boy type of men which makes them very pathetic as well.  Most of these women should get a cat for a pet to keep them company since that is the only thing that they will ever have unfortunately since many women today are very picky when it comes to having a relationship.

  13. 73

    You need more social experiences with men good and bad, and you are not allowing those important experiences to help you develop the right sort of judgement you need to attract the right person for you. Your judgement of men in general is poor and you need to improve it by taking each man on their individual merit.

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