I Think I’m Hot But My Boyfriend Doesn’t Seem to Think So

Evan, I want an honest opinion on my predicament. I am in a year-long relationship and my boyfriend is a wonderful man. We have a strong connection and share a lot of values, views and interests. We’re getting pretty serious but there’s something that is eating me up inside. I think my boyfriend doesn’t think I am hot!

Being 5’5″ and 115lbs and measuring 34-26-35.5”, I always assumed that I was in the same league as a lot of celebrities who boast similar bodies. Granted, I am a little heavier towards my hips and have a bit wider frame but does 1″ really make a lot of difference here? Well, yes, according to my dear b/f. He basically told me that I can’t even compare myself to an actress or other celebrities (this ridiculous conversation started while watching TV and making comments about some actress). To him, I am “good looking” and “pretty” but, say, Angelina Jolie is “hot”, and “beautiful” and I am well… a regular person so I am not, how could I possibly be? He “likes me and finds me attractive”, but by no means am I nearly as good looking as a movie star, and I am crazy to be even comparing myself to them. That was the essence of the conversation. Of course, I felt hurt and I had a few “nice” things to say to him in response – as in “look who’s talking” kind of things and this conversation went downhill right away.

Now, am I crazy to be upset about this outlook of his? Men I dated in the past were (or at least acted the part) infatuated by me. I am used to hearing how beautiful I am. Men turn heads when I walk down the street. While I am totally OK with the idea that somebody doesn’t find me the most beautiful woman on the planet, which a lot of people probably don’t, I am somehow not OK with that person being my boyfriend! I mean, if he was truly into me, wouldn’t I be to him more beautiful than all Hollywood celebrities combined? Wouldn’t he be saying things like “honey, Angelina Jolie got nothing on you”? What happens if I gain weight with age – do I go from being “pretty” to “ugly, but I love you anyway because we have 2 kids and a mortgage and divorcing you is too damn expensive”? Am I being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have I got a legitimate concern? Is recognizing that your girlfriend is not ranking at the top of your scale in terms of looks but is the best “package” you can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc. a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker? –Diana.

Love. This. Question.

It’s a microcosm of every misinterpretation in every relationship ever.

And before I answer it, I want to share with you a story.

It was a tale from a linguistics professor in college who explained to the class that, in studies, men tend to be much more direct in their language. Women are subtle.

We can see this in many forms of personal interaction.

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

Women are sensitive to each others’ needs. Men are blunt.

Women pick up on details. “What was he wearing? How did he kiss you? Where were you at the time?” Men just want to cut to the chase. “What’s the point?”

Women are supportive of their friends. “No, you don’t look fat in those jeans.”
Men cut their buddies down. “Dude, you gained, like twenty pounds!”

In fact, suffice to say, women are largely better and more sensitive communicators and men should really learn take a page out of women’s emotional playbooks.

Except for this one thing…

Because women are so kind and supportive, they don’t always speak their minds. They obscure the truth to be sensitive, but fail to communicate their true feelings.

My linguistics professor used an example of how a typical man and a typical woman would respond to being stuck in a hot classroom.

The man would say, “It’s hot in here! Open the window!”

The woman would turn to her friend and say, “Do you think it’s hot in here?”

The man issues a command. The woman tries to build consensus, but she doesn’t come out directly and say what she really wants: open the goddamn window!

I’m not going to get into some debate about whether this is 100% accurate, because it’s not. Not all men are direct. Not all women are subtle and nuanced.

But the reason I’m sharing this, in reference to your situation, Diana, is that the most interesting thing about women’s linguistics patterns can be summed up in one line:

Men say what they mean. Women don’t.

Thus, women are often surprised when men say what they mean.

You asked your boyfriend a question.

He gave you an honest answer. You seem shocked that he would do so.

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

I’d be shocked if he told you otherwise. His answer would be the exact same answer I would give to my wife. The difference is that:

a) My wife would never ask me to compare her to Angelina Jolie. She’s not that insecure.
b) My wife would not be surprised at my response, which is that she’s no Angelina Jolie.
c) My wife would not take it personally that I told her the truth, because she knows she’s no Angelina Jolie.

So what’s really going on, Diana, is that you wanted your boyfriend to LIE to you.

You didn’t want the truth. You wanted praise.

Even if it meant that he lied right to your face.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Women are always asking for “honest” men, and then, when you finally get one, you would prefer if he told you something untrue.

You basically set yourself up for failure on a couple of levels.

    • You expected your boyfriend to be “infatuated” with you because other men have been. Sorry, sweetie. Infatuation is soooo high school.

    • You insulted your boyfriend’s looks because he didn’t lie and tell you were as attractive as one of the most attractive women on the planet. Catty much?

    • You actually feel that that a man who is truly into you would think you are more beautiful than all of the Hollywood celebrities combined? Really?

How much self-delusion do you have to have to say such things?

I mean, let’s just take it to the extreme:

A man with average looks, average intelligence and an average job gets pissed at his girlfriend who doesn’t think he’s the love child of Brad Pitt and Steve Jobs.

Note: the girlfriend didn’t say he’s “average”. She just said he’s not perfect.

Should he be upset? I sure don’t think so.

Obviously, she loves him – that’s why she’s his girlfriend.

But if you compare ANY man to the most impressive person in his/her field, ALL them are going to compare unfavorably.

So, to answer your question:

Are you being insecure and shallow for zooming in on this issue when everything else is fine, or have you got a legitimate concern? Is your boyfriend recognizing that you may not be at the very top of his scale in terms of looks but are the best “package” he can get in terms of looks-personality-values-etc? Is this a sign of a mature man, or a sign of a man who’s not really in love? And most importantly, is this a deal breaker?

I would only say this…

You’re spot on in assessing your boyfriend’s maturity. Well done.

The real question is whether it’s a deal breaker for HIM to stay with a woman who has such a hard time hearing the truth.

I’ve dated such women and personally, I would rather date a 7 who can accept reality than a 10 who expects me to lie to her.

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  1. 271

    I did have a lot of fun reading this. It was kind of funny. What made me laugh the most is that I must be sad because I literally do think that my boyfriend is the hottest person I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Every time I compare me to somebody he always comes out on top. Even love him more than Chris Hemsworth who I’m madly in love with by the way. Maybe it’s just because I’m so in love with them is the reason why I think he’s so sexy. But I seriously just do. And I hope he feel the same about me though it’s not likely I mean I’m pretty but I’m no Angelina Jolie.

  2. 272
    Bill Grumling

    This is the problem. First off you should not think you are hot. To me most women who think that they are hot without being told they are are just stuck up to most men. And you may look hot on the outside but how are you on the inside.
    My woman is almost 40, has a little bit of weight on her and does not have the biggest breasts in the world. But to me she is a thin 20 year old with the most beautiful body I have ever seen. (and not going into my past but I have seen A LOT of women with no clothes on). But to me she is the most beautiful and sexy thing ever to walk the face of the earth.
    She is beautiful even by others standards, I mean not just pretty but beautiful. But her beauty and her sexiness and all that comes from inside and that is where it has to come from.
    I am sorry but for most average everyday men we do not like the skinny hollywood version on what a woman should look like. We do not like the porn starlet thin big breasted woman.
    We like you average everyday a few extra pounds woman that can smile and laugh and hold an intelligent conversation and we can love for who she is, not what she looks like

  3. 273

    Anyone who rates their partner by an arbitrary number is not mature enough to be in a deep and meaningful relationship. I remember when I was 16 and a couple of lads walked past, noting that I was a “7”. Obviously they didn’t know me. They were merely just a couple of immature teenage boys with no girlfriends. But if my partner of 12 years, who knows me inside and out, decided to reduce me to a number that has no bearing on anything other than my looks, I would not be sticking around. Maybe it’s just me, but after you’ve been in a relationship for a while, the attraction you feel for your partner sexually is influenced greatly by their personality and demeanour, not just their physical exterior. I couldn’t even compare my partner to a movie star because I have no connection with them whatsoever, and therefore I would feel far more attraction to my partner no matter how good looking Mr. X has been rated by Cosmo or whatever.

  4. 274

    Evan I’m sorry but you’re the one who doesn’t get it. Most of the guys I’ve been crazy about haven’t been a “10”, not by your definition, but in my eyes they are infinitely better looking, more sexy and handsome than any Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell. That’s the point the OP is making and I think your answer is too biased to your own opinion on what constitutes ‘beauty’ and ‘honesty’ to really help the girl. She didn’t want him to lie to her, she just wanted his passion for her to make him see her in the way I see the man I love – and that is my 100% truth, sorry that you probably wouldn’t understand it.

  5. 275

    I agree with Catka. women have a need to feel very attractive to their partners 

  6. 276

    Also, no one is mentioning that the Boyfriend also may have insecurities to say something like this. 
    I’ve known plenty of men who do not receive adequate attention from women, her rejected, etc.
    As a Result, they develop this hatred towards women and they judge women (even ones that are out of their league!), and say “she’s not very attractive”, “she’s cute but not hot” 
    and sadly, they do not realize that these comments are fueled by their own  insecurities.

  7. 277

    But what you are failing to address here Evan is that after a lifetime of feeling judged and valued by men and by society for the way we look first and foremost, some of us just struggle with our self esteem a little and sadly overcompensate.
    Even after we grow up and become educated, successful, fun, interesting people, it’s still hard to ignore the messages and how deeply ingrained they are. (Observe the daily treatment of women who are overweight, over 40 or otherwise not conventionally attractive in public, in the workplace, everywhere and then come back and tell me I’m full of it). 
    The media seems hell bent on convincing us that young, thin, attractive women are the only ones worthy of love, attention and happiness, and some of us unfortunately fall for it. I think women like OP who seem to base their self esteem on being affirmed that they are beautiful by the one who says they love them is just the result of this. Not saying it’s not messed up and totally unrealistic, as well as tiring to the man who has to hear “do you think I’m beautiful?” 100 times a day. But damn give us a beak. These aren’t our rules. 

    1. 277.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Sass – I could agree with every single word of your societal diatribe, but it’s as irrelevant as “Violent video games made me kill my teacher”. The OP is responsible for her insecurity and her unrealistic expectations that her boyfriend think she’s as hot as one of the hottest celebrities. Not the media. Not society. Not men. And the OP – and all of her supporters – are going to have to take responsibility when men flee because of such insecurities.

      1. 277.1.1


        It is not completely unrealistic that a man finds his wife or girlfriend as attractive as the beautiful celebrities. Hello, there are women out there that are just as attractive or even more attractive than famous women. Famous women are regular women, only difference is that they are in the public eye and have access to the best make-up, hairstylist, clothing. Famous women are not more special than non-famous women. The media does brainwash people especially men, that the best looking women are famous.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          It’s not a matter of whether it’s realistic. It’s whether it’s NECESSARY. The OP makes it NECESSARY for him to think her the most beautiful woman in the world. A healthy woman would delight in her healthy relationship and spend zero time worrying about such labels.

        2. Mya

          Ugh, no, a “healthy” relationship is not one where my partner thinks I am a “7.”

        3. Karl R

          Mya said:

          “Ugh, no, a ‘healthy’ relationship is not one where my partner thinks I am a ‘7.’”

          That’s ego talking.

          What about women like Lizzie Velasquez?  Do you think they’re all doomed to unhealthy relationships?

          I think she (and women like her) can (and do) find healthy relationships with men who value them for something other than physical attractiveness.


          Personally, I think someone like Lizzie Velasquez has a far greater chance of finding a healthy relationship than you … because she’s not hung up on this artificial requirement that she be considered the “hottest” woman out there.

        4. Karmic Equation

          Agreed, Karl R.

          I would add that women who believe that their boyfriends need to tell them that they are the hottest women they know, have nothing better to offer to the relationship but her looks. Hence the need to be affirmed, and even lied to, in that area.

          If a woman knows that she has more to offer a man than looks, she doesn’t need invite comparisons to other women.

          Men, if your girlfriend does this. Run. This is the tip of the iceberg of other issues you’ll want to steer clear of in a healthy relationship.

        5. Christine

          No, women like Lizzie aren’t all condemned to unhealthy relationships.  I remember watching some talk show a long time ago, with a disfigured woman who had a good-looking boyfriend. It really stuck in my mind because it showed me how women can be valued for more than their looks.

          When you heard her speak, it was obvious what he saw in her–a fantastic personality.  She just radiated this positive energy that would be great to be around.

          On the other hand, there are also beautiful celebrities with volatile relationships (i.e. Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Taylor).  Their ex-husbands probably did think of them as the most beautiful woman on the planet–but that obviously didn’t help them attain long-lasting, healthy relationships.

  8. 278

    I’m with Evan on this one. You think you’re hot or whatever, so what does it matter whether or not your boyfriend agrees? She’s just sorry because she’s not being patted on the head and fawned all over like everyone else is obviously doing. If you want constant praise, go marry your mirror. If you want a meaningful relationship, grow up. You need a man’s approval for that? Sounds to me like he’s a good guy to have around to help keep you grounded, if nothing else.

    I’ve always found it interesting that women want to be thought of as the prettiest woman ever, but not the smartest. Seriously. Everyone always seems to be asking their SO whether or not he thinks they’re pretty. Well kids, pretty fades. When’s the last time you asked your boyfriend whether or not you’re the smartest woman he knows?

  9. 280

    I have been with my wife for over 7 years. My wife to me is the most beautiful women in the world, I find her beautiful, sexy inside and out. Also, I know that my wife is natural, not like celebrities that have fake beauty. I do not understand why so many people are brought up to think that beauty made with plastic surgeries and make-up is better than natural beauty. And yes, I find my wife much more beautiful and hot than Angelina Jolie. Angeline is too skinny with no femenine figure. I find my wife the hottest and on top of the league. CELEBRITIES ARE NOT A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN.

  10. 281
    Karmic Equation

    Daria #279 wrote:
    Celebrities look like average looking women without all the make-up. Look here everyone it’s prove. 
    So, what is the message all “unattractive” women are missing here? I’ll tell you what: Taking the time to learn how to put on make up such that you look your most attractive is WELL WITHIN a woman’s control. I’ve tried hundreds of different ways to put on eyeliner; lots of different color palettes: pinks, peaches, reds; lots of hairstyles: short bobs, long lengths; lots of different styles of pants: skinny jeans; boot cut… Through trial and error and being VERY VERY critical of myself, I found a look and style that is very flattering for me. What this means is that I’m RARELY ever wear “current” styles. Skinny jeans aren’t flattering for me, they’re in for others, but not for me. I continue to wear boot-cut jeans/pants. Too-short or too-long hair is not flattering for me, so I wear medium length. Yada yada. Yes, this costs time and money, but once you find a look that is flattering for you, it becomes effortless.
    Sass #277 wrote:
    (Observe the daily treatment of women who are overweight, over 40 or otherwise not conventionally attractive in public, in the workplace, everywhere and then come back and tell me I’m full of it).  

    If you (generic you) know you’re overweight, and you have the means (i.e., you’re “successful”), you can do what I did, which is hire a personal trainer and go to the gym religiously 3x a week and commit to changing your poor eating habits, to lose that weight. In the six months since I committed to getting in shape, I’ve lost 2 dress sizes (went from a size 10 to a size 6), and feeling healthier, happier, and sexier than ever. Don’t get me wrong, as per the above, I looked and felt sexy as a size 10 because I knew how to dress and do makeup to accentuate my positives, but I’m just that much sexier as a size 6. The men I’ve been dating (yes, that’s plural) — and men with whom I’m “just friends” — comment more and more often on how lean and more beautiful I’m getting. 
    I’m 47 and look leaner and fitter than I ever was when I was 27. And because of the internet, more men have access to meeting me and me them. You combine the looking good/feeling good with online dating, and the world is your oyster, if you choose to view it that way.
    But it all starts with a commitment to CHANGE YOURSELF. Physically — if you’re overweight or lack knowledge of how to dress or put on makeup to be at your most attractive. Personality — if you’re insecure, bitchy, self-absorbed, “not nice”, etc., because while it’s physical beauty just gets your relationship-foot in the door with men, it’s your inner beauty that keeps them by your side. The beautiful often neglect to work on the latter; and the not-beautiful spend their energies lamenting the former instead of working to improve what they can.


    1. 281.1

      Yeah that wasn’t my point at all. Good for you for being fit. But if you (generic you) were not fit, I don’t think that would justify others in treating you poorly as if you were less valuable than a thin person. I’m not talking about dating preferences. I’m talking about treating people with common respect and decency even when one isn’t interested in sleeping with them.
      How ironic that your post is full of references to your dress size looks, how you snag looks from men because you look 27, etc, etc, but then you end with beauty is inside.  LOL! 
      no I’m not overweight either. Just sympathetic to my fellow humans who are good people but aren’t a size 6.

  11. 282

    This woman is perfectly justified in wanting to be beautiful to her boyfriend.  He was totally rude in saying she is not Angelina Jolie; he should have said ‘You’re a beautiful woman and I’m the envy of all my friends…”  This is not “female psychology” it’s just plain manners and courtesy. If you are used to being called attractive and your bf won’t ‘put out’ he’s trying to keep you in your place, or deflate your self-esteem.  Men use this to keep the upper hand (ha) and keep you insecure. You’re probably a lot better looking than he is.  I had a bf in college who used to say, “You’re not my ideal-looking woman, but I love you.”  Thank you for the crumbs from your table, butthead.

    1. 282.1

      I wonder how he would have reacted if you’d told him he didn’t have the “ideal” bank account or —- size but you love him anyway.

  12. 283

    Hey Evan, I got some good news, you can pick up your prize for behaving like a lout. First of all, learn that when you love someone you NEVER hurt your bf’s or gf’s feelings by telling them how fat, wrinkled, thin is. There’s BIG, but BIG DIFFERENCE between being honest and being a lout, cruel, mean person. Of course not every man was taught how to be a gentleman, I guess. But anyways, it’s never too late to start. I think when your love says”Don’t you think I am beautiful?” You should always say “YES my darling. YOU are.” Because that is what true love is about. For example, you wouldn’t imagine another mother who is more beautiful, sweeter, and valuable than your mother, would you??? Well, that’s simply because you LOVE her a lot. In your eyes, nothing compares to her. Unless you didn’t love her or didn’t see eye to eye. BUT most people truly love their mother or father and respect them and look up to them. If you love your partner enough, you will treat them as right as you would treat your beloved parents. You would not think of another more beautiful, loving, and valuable person either. You would not use cruel comments or words to see just “how they react” or to show them that “you are not that weak and in love”. Some men have  very low self-esteem and when they date or marry an attractive woman they take her for granted. It’s their “prize, trophy” so they think they can say or do with it whatever they please. They don’t like to compliment their wife because it would be a sign of inferiority and humilliation. Their super ego must always be on top and out of reach or change. Some other men become jealous of their wife because they are more attractive, get all the atention from people, people praise them for their looks or intelligence and they never get that attention from people. Envy is destructive and besides hatred it is probably the second worst bad feeling a person can hold in their hearts. On the other hand, if a woman wants to believe she’s more attractive than all the actresses or models together… that’s a sign of insecurity, immaturity and extreme pride. We have to learn that in the world THERE WILL ALWAYS BE someone better than us, prettier, richer, happier, healthier, smarter, more famous, etc. Or people who are equally nice, cute, etc. It’s part of accepting the world such as it is. However, if a man wanted another woman because he thinks she’s hotter, then he is an asshole. He just likes your appearance and he won’t respect you as a person. If a man who has a very attractive wife or girlfriend thought that Angelina Jolie is hotter… then he’s an idiot. Because she might not be more beautiful but her fame and money makes him believe she IS. She might have the same body measurements and pretty features on her face than the man’s wife or girlfriend, but many stupid people think actresses or models are better because that is what FAME makes them believe. The movies and ads can convert an average, ugly or normal person into a hot, good-looking person. If they weren’t famous or on TV, those people wouldn’t probably notice them. So a woman should not care if she is smarter, more talented or prettier than a celebrity because if people tell her that she is, they most likely mean it. And a man who says “She is hotter than you” is a lout who has no manners or idea of how to treat a woman and that’s deserving of being dumped

  13. 284

    I will be responding to both the young lady who wrote in for advise and the author, “Evan.”
    First, concerning the young lady’s inquiry, it’s a good idea to ask yourself if this person you’re seeing is thoughtful, kind, caring and considerate regarding your feelings.  You should evaluate the pros and cons of your relationship, privately.  In so doing, if this man you are with truly makes you feel good about yourself, he’s worth keeping. 
    Lastly, my notes to “Evan.” 
    I think there may be some confusion regarding honesty vs. being downright rude.  It is wonderful that you have created a site where some can ask you for your input and opinion.  However, there is no need to insult the young lady by suggesting her boyfriend should think twice about her, when she has pointed out, it’s not about her feeling insecure, but perhaps more about her mate possibly feeling as if he could do better.  You can communicate just as effectively, man or women, without hurting or insulting the person you are speaking with, in order to make your point. 
    While I don’t have all of the answers, when it comes to comparisons, when it comes to an entertainer or otherwise, those conversations usually don’t end well.   

  14. 285

    Wow. I accidentally got here, and read this, and call me naïve if you want but I’m so, so happy that my fiancee and I are completely attracted to eachother. He thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, and I think he’s the most handsome, attractive man in the world. We don’t EVER compare eachother to celebrities we may or may not like because there is no comparison possible. We love eachother, why would we look at other people and compare eachother to those people, with their own flaws and insecurities and miserable lives behind closed doors? We are happy, we’re in love, we have an amazing sexlife, we are perfect for eachother. Comparing yourself or the person you love to celebrities you’ll probably never even get to see with your own eyes is just ridiculous. He/she is NOT a Hollywood star, but does that mean he/she can’t be as attractive, handsome or beautiful as a Hollywood star in your own eyes? My fiancee outshines all the Hollywood actors or singers or male models to me, because I love him, he’s goodlooking and he’s mine. And as far as I know he feels the same. Funny thing as well, his looks are so unique that he can’t really be compared to anyone. I’ve been told by others I look a bit like Coco Austin (yes, body type and all- huge behind, flat abs and big breasts only I have always had that body type and I have had no plastic surgery or training at the gym to achieve it- not that I like being compared to someone who has made a living out of throwing naked pictures of themselves up on the internet but alright- it wasn’t me who made the comparison but others, NOT my fiancee either), but he is tall, slim, wide shoulders, big upper arms, long, strong legs, dark blond hair, big brown bedroom eyes, light olive complexion, looks 23 even though he’s 30, the list goes on and on and on. He’s hot and very handsome in his own way.When we walk down the street together girls always look at him in awe, and it makes me so proud ’cause that’s my man! About celebrities and stuff there is no insecurity whatsoever from neither of us- we both find those celebrities hugely overrated in beauty and looks. I would say to the young woman who asked this question: find your own type of beauty and work it, and you’ll see that your man will soon come around. I think what’s important is that women should realize that comparing yourself to someone who probably slept around with every producer in the business is actually degrading. Why not compare ourselves to ACTUAL role-models? Smart, successful women who worked hard to get where they are today, women who fight for certain causes, or even the homemakers of the 1950s and ’60s? That’s what I wanna be compared to; my brave grandmother who got married at 16 years old, and made a fabulous home to grow up in for my mother and uncle. House always clean and neat, always fresh food on the table, everything looking impeccable and still, she was always able to make herself look good. And what about the whiny ‘teen moms’ of today? Even 40 year old women can’t take care of their kids, house and kitchen to save their lives.

  15. 286

    i was called ugly everyday by my mentally unstable mother, witch made me extremely insecure, and even anorexic.  I have always gone for guys that praised me constitutionally, but i started to date my best friend and he doesn’t and iv explained every little detail of why i am the way i am and he doesn’t seem to care at all.

  16. 287


    It is clear the woman who asked the question realizes her guy was using direct communication. She used direct communication right back. Then an arguement occured.

    I do think she seems insecure. But the insecurity comes from wondering if it is right for her to feel or think the way she does. The way she shows her insecurity is by writing to you and asking for your opinion.

    Her own feelings are telling her what is right for her and NO ONE else can tell her that. Not you, not your professor, not self help books , not anyone here including me.

    1. 287.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Yes, those are her feelings. And any woman who gets offended by reality is going to have a hard time maintaining normal relationships with men. She has the right to get offended by truth. He has the right to tell the truth. But let’s not pretend that it’s normal/healthy to ask your partner to validate that you’re the hottest woman in the world. It’s insecure, weird, and self-defeating.

  17. 288

    Perhaps I was too subtle. I should speak like a man.

    Direct communication caused an arguement between them. Both of them used it.

    There is no need to write letters to you or anyone else on the internet. You cannot and did not help her. Ultimately, she got the answer to her question on her own and made her own decision about what was right for her.

    You posted a theory. It did not make a difference at all.

    You don’t know her. I assume you never met and have never even seen a photo of her. You have made up a reality for her based on the little you know. She faced her reality herself and saw it was not what she wanted and made a decision that what was right for her.

    The reality is she has moved on past this and you are still stuck with the same ideas you have always had. You were wrong and cannot admit it.

    1. 288.1

      Louise, I admit I find your comment somewhat confusing.  The OP wrote Evan a letter asking for his advice, and so he offered it.  So I don’t understand your message “There is no need to write letters to you or anyone else on the internet.  You can not and did not help her.”  She wrote a letter to Evan requesting his help.  He offered the advice she asked for.  She chose to ignore it (as is her prerogative).
      None of that makes Evan “wrong.”  In fact, his posting the letter and his advice might be helpful to other individuals in a similar situation, searching for a perspective other than their own.
      I might be good-looking, but my wife will not ever find me more attractive than Jon Hamm (from Mad Men – I hear “he’s an attractive man” every time we see the show.  It makes me smile, and does not bother me – I am centered and not insecure).  I might make good money, but my wife will never say I’m richer than Bill Gates.  I do not need to compare myself to superlatives in order to alleviate my insecurities.  If the OP does, so be it.  The advice given to others that this behavior is needy and un-attractive (and ultimately self-destructive) may be helpful to someone else.

  18. 289

    I couldn’t help but respond to this conversation.
     Media has so much to do with the way our young females view themselves. We grow up believing we have to be perfect in order to have a man love us. The fault lies between the media and the way we raise our daughters. They need to be nurtured by their mothers and praised by their mothers and taught to be a lady and respect themselves and be competitive and strive to do the right things in life. My mother was that mother, I always had high esteem and respect for my self. So we all need to see that she may have esteem issues. Who wants to look like Angelina any way? Granted she is gorgeous!  But that’s her! We need to love ourselves more than that! We all have our own beauty and special press emcee. When it comes to relationships with husbands/ lovers we need for them to validate our special beauty, if they fail to recognize that we are special and beautiful then it leads us into thinking either he is not interested or he no longer loves us. That’s a natural feeling when a man can not lovingly compliment his woman. To me the man is also insecure if he can’t or he no longer cares,or he is just a self centered, eventually a woman will look else where if only for the compliments, a man would do the same! It takes two partners who are mature and willing to be in a relationship, it takes love and understanding, it takes courage and  acceptance, acceptance that we are loved for our imperfectness and for our differences. If we are never told then we start to feel a lacking and it’s like that with all things in life. We need to have validation that we are loved and a beautiful partner. Any way I believe when you truly love someone the compliments come naturally and then you wouldn’t even dream of being anyone but you!!  

  19. 290


    I get what you are saying and I agree wholeheartedly that this girl is insecure. It seems to me that they are a very young couple. Only young teenage/young adult boys who lack real maturity would have walked right into that one

    but on the other hand only really young, insecure about who they are, immature  baby girls would have fished for a compliment like she did.  I used to have a roommate that would say everything indirectly. If she wanted something of what I was cooking she would be like “WOW, what are you cooking?! That smells SOO GOOD!!” And then a little later she would be like. “I’m broke, I don’t have any food.” That was her way of hinting at me to offer her some of what I was cooking. She did that with a multitude of things, clothes, asking who’s dishes were in the sink, her own beauty. There were times when I would give into what she was hinting at, but after a while I just got so tired of her “tiptoeing through the tulips” and just wouldn’t offer or not respond. My thing was if she would stop beating around the bush about it and just ask me straight out I would probably give her what she wanted. But the simple fact that she would play this game would annoy me, so I just wouldn’t play, or I would give her a response she didn’t like. 

    I know why she did it though, she was extremely insecure and was very much afraid of rejection. Partly due for her having experienced a rape in high school (something like that can really destroy a woman’s self esteem)  Now it wasn’t my job to be her personal self esteem coach and tell her everyday how beautiful she was, to take all her hints and offer her all my food, or clothes or anything actually. It wasn’t my job to do any of that and lots of times I purposely didn’t because she needed to believe it for herself, not just with me telling her…but there were some days..some days where I would do it. Days where she got fired, days where she couldn’t find a job, days where she missed a final, days where her and boyfriend fought…on those days I would tell her, I would reassure her. 

    Honesty is important. Very important. When I would reassure her I would just say “Britni, your worth it, but me telling you isn’t going to make you believe it anymore, or any more real, you have to believe it for yourself, then and only then is it real.”

    That was my honesty for her, full of tact, grace and gentleness. Women, all women, young and old, mature and immature, need that. I would argue men need it too. Reassurance. No matter how confident you are. 

    This guy was honest yes. But he was brutally honest. Hurtful I would argue. Now she shouldn’t have walked into that one and she’s insecure for setting it up that way but her guy failed to see a CRUCIAL need in her. To bypass the surface situation and see what is really needed or what she’s really saying. (You could argue women need to be more blunt but that might be as useful as women saying men need to shoot for an average looking girl verses the hottest one) Everything has a deeper issue or meaning with women, if we blow up at the store, if we go off the rail with our kids, if we fuss about the carpet, because it’s not really about the carpet, or the kids, or that stupid person but a deeper issue. What that girl NEEDED to hear was “Yeah, Angelina Jolie is like out of this world hot, like alien hot, but I’m not with her, I’m with you.” That’s all. 

    Your right she was totally wrong for having compared herself, she needs to be confident in who she is, she needs to not fish for compliments but this is a classic moment where she just needed to be reassured. I dunno if you have any kids, any girls in particular, if you do please don’t use this “truth” ideology on them without any gentleness or tact, I can only imagine how it might scar them for life….

    Daughter: Daddy, am I a princess?
    Evan: No, princesses aren’t real, you just plain, average.


    Daughter: Daddy, am I a princess?
    Evan: Your my princess, but you still have to clean up your toys!

    Sounds different doesn’t it? Sorry for the long post

  20. 291

    As a multi-generational veteran of living and working in Hollywood, here is what I would offer to this conversation regarding reality and maturity:

    Not even Angelina Jolie looks like what most people believe Angelina Jolie looks like.

    Those people who believe that celebrities are the hottest people on earth have a lot of maturing to do in terms of how they are swallowing the message of the media and publicity machines hook, line, and sinker.

    Celebrities are quite human, I assure you, and have very human flaws. Many, many individuals make their living each year off of hiding said flaws in the case of each celebrity.

    It is truly tragic to believe that any celebrity is more beautiful than the average pretty woman. It’s just not true. Such a false belief only robs yourself and the women in question the joy of celebrating the glory of their very real beauty.

    Here is my suggestion: before making the bold statement not no woman is as beautiful as any celebrity beauty, make sure the two of them are standing side by side in person, in street clothes, no special attention to their hair, make-up, or lighting. Make sure that you are taking an honest, indepedent look and processing what you see with your own, clear mind. That would be fair, and my guess is that in those circumstances, you wouldn’t recognize the celebrity if your life depended on it.


  21. 292
    roxana moisin

    Well… many women dont know that girls like Angelina Jolie have stilists, make-up artists that makes them look good, and many women dont know they actually look better than actresses like Angelina. There is no star and regular woman, this is a wrong classification. There are only women who take care of themselfes and women who dont take care of themselfes and who become fat, or ugly, or dressed like their grannies, or with a granny-like attitude. Of course, nature has its role, I mean u have to be a natural good looking woman, and this is all u need. Many “regular”women who would have Angelina’s stilist would look better than her. Have anyone seen the real and the nonphotoshoped Angelina? I dont know, but I am surely hot. 😉 :p This is because I know about aesthetics.

  22. 293
    roxana moisin

    By the way, who said Clooney is good-looking? I would never date smb that looks like him. :p

  23. 294

    well the reason I came.across this post is because I was searching for anyone that had had a similar episode like myself. When seeing this blonde in a bikini a conversation came up with the boyf and when asked if he would be with a girl like that he said “hell no she would be too up herself…!”
    To me that makes me seem just an average joe …..that maybe he is settling because he can’t be bothered with the work and the chase
    But maybe he is just interested in ‘average ‘ :/

  24. 295

    Firstly, the woman just want to hear from the guy in her life that she is his number one hottie.  How bizarre is that??  How strange that when a woman commits herself to someone that she wants a compliment from him.  
    Secondly, no one has to lie.  My husband isn’t too great on the compliments but he would be SMART enough to say,  Angelina’s not all that, you’re nicer than she is, or you’re the perfect woman for me.  Just SOMETHING nice.  I would dump this guy and find one of those ones who think you are gorgeous because he’s not very sensitive and it will never get better. How’s THAT for blunt?  

  25. 296

    I have same experience with my husband, what i do is take care of myself better, i may not have complements and praise from him but people around us compliments me and think he is blind…my thing is im proving him wrong.  And for boost of confidence i started talking to other guys…well if i cant get it from my husband i will get it somewhere else 😉

  26. 297

    I’m not going to play the blame game. All I’m going to say is that if my boyfriend said that to me, it would be a huge set back in our relationship and possibly be a deal breaker. You can call me “catty” or whatever you want, but I expect a guy that’s in love with me to see me as the most beautiful woman in the world, not because I’m perfect or because I need the ego boost, but because he’s in love with me. I expect just about every woman out there feels the same way. If she tells you she doesn’t, she’s lying to appear more “secure” for your taste because she has taken note of mens unrealistic demands of female behavior and is attempting to put herself above other women to impress you. That’s just the way I see it. Take it or leave it. 

  27. 298

    To me, most people here are missing the most critical points. What do you really want your relationship to be like? Best friends right? With benefits? 

    Do best friends need to support fragile egos with superfluous affirmations? If you said yes then you might not have experienced a true best friend relationship yet. Real best friends expect truth and that means speaking it AND living it.

    If my friend asks me to patch a hole in a broken ego, the tendency is to point out the hole and who broke the ego in the first place. It’s not the popular approach but it is common sense.

    A man wants to solve problems and emotions cloud that process of efficient resolution.  A woman wants all of the yummy feelings that make life worth living. In the above situation, he wanted to speak something true, without any disrespect. He wanted to recognize that there is hardly a comparison. 

    She wants affirmation that she is loved and beautiful.  She doesn’t see that she began by not feeling beautiful.  She doesn’t see she is causing a vaccuum of lack inside, and asking him to solve the problem.

    Friends treat each other with true love and respect.  He needs to tune in to her need for more emotional expression and she needs to make sure she places responsibility for the need she feels where it belongs, in the mirror. 


  28. 299

    uuurrrggghhh ignore him babe honestly, he’s just a creep that wants to hurt you, try not to worry too much about what he thinks, what you think matters much more <3 <3 xxx

  29. 300

    Honesty is the best and loaded questions aren’t healthy- but people shouldn’t ever bluntly compare their partners- even if they are asked to, and cold logic shouldn’t kill your ability to be caring and give a real compliment when it’s obviously needed. The media’s BS fake beauty standards are so harsh on women these days anyway, the least a decent bf could do is help their lady out.

    Maybe I’m just the ‘illogical’, ‘insecure’, romantic type- but me and my BF have no problem telling each other we are the best, the hottest etc. to us – that no one compares and that’s how we enjoy talking to each other. Of course we both know logically he isn’t the ‘most successful guy in the world’ or something and I’m not exactly ‘Miss Universe’ – but hey- he’s the most successful at making me happy – and he’d say I’m the universe to him. 😉 Cheesy, non-logical shit right?- but it works for us.

    Saying something a little sweet (that’s still genuine) to answer your partner’s reach for affirmation isn’t gonna kill ya. I’m not saying always tell your partner they are perfect and never need to change even if they have some serious obesity issue, I’m saying a proper compliment shouldn’t be so hard to give just for the sake of wanting to be completely honest. If your GF has some insecurity issues and you know she’s having a ‘fat day’, you could ‘honestly’ tell her yes, that celeb is skinnier and ‘hotter’ than you – or you could be better and just say ‘honey, don’t ask me silly questions – I don’t wanna compare you- yes, that model’s good-looking but you’re the one for me and you are BEAUTIFUL.’

    Just making the effort to say something sweet is gonna do a whole lot more good in the long run – it’ll help your partner’s confidence and it’s less likely they’re gonna be asking needy questions afterwards – which is a win for everyone!

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